Author's note : There is a section in this where Bella rethinks her stance on not wanting children. Just to be clear I don't believe in any of the "all women want children deep down and don't know their own mind if they say otherwise crap". I think there are a lot of women that do intrinsically want children, but don't feel like they do because their circumstances are not stable or safe enough. I also think there are a lot of women that do not intrinsically want children, but convince themselves they do because it is expected by their partner or community. Both deserve to get the support they need to live their lives as they truly want.
Dear dad,
It has been some weeks since I last wrote to you. When I opened my diary something fell out, it was the picture of little Iris that I included with my previous letter because I was so eager for you to know her. It was a simpler time, before Victoria came to attack us. I was so careful then to not mention anything about the supernatural world, only to learn later that you had already found out. Moreover, that you had been introduced to it in the most brutal way possible.
Where are you daddy?
I shut my diary before my tears can ruin the paper. Another unanticipated side effect of the bloodshake diet is the ability to cry, which regular vampires are apparently unable to. Initially I had not been pleased by this, I had always been an emotional crier, but I eventually found that it does give some relief when you are overwhelmed. I suppose humans cry for a reason, and I sure have a lot of emotions to process at the moment.
Physically we had beaten Victoria, but mentally she had beaten me. It was pure torture, the uncertainty. Was she lying? Was it the truth? If she was telling the truth, he was alive when she brought him to the south, or rather changing into a vampire. But what would have happened next. Would Maria have killed him outright? Tortured him? Made him a soldier in her hell of a war camp? Whichever scenario, it was highly unlikely he would still be alive. Especially after the explosion in the camp. And yet, there was that small sliver of a chance and it was driving me mad.
Jasper was, of course, the voice of reason. He figured she was goading me, that it would be a tidy bit of revenge to send me chasing into the south and have the other warlord kill me. I fully agree that this must be her intention, but I do not believe it was an empty threat. I have the entirety of the police report of my father's death committed to memory, and one thing that has always struck me as odd is the way she blew up the car. If she had merely drained his body of blood, then setting the car on fire would have been enough to hide her traces. However the explosion destroyed all evidence, to an extent that it could only be deduced that this was my father's police cruiser by eyewitness accounts and GPS data. Not conductive to making me believe he is dead, but the best possible way to make me believe it without actually seeing a body.
It has been four days since the news, and I have yet to manage focusing my mind on anything else.
Tadump, tadump, tadump. In the distance I faintly hear several heartbeats and a car approaching. Odd. We do regularly have werewolf visitors now even at the house, but they tend to just run over rather than drive. I put my diary away and go downstairs to join the family.
Our visitors turn out to be the entirety of the Clearwater family. Seth bounds into the living room energetic as ever, and Leah sulkily brings up the rear equally in character. In between them is their mother Sue, whom I had not seen in some time.
"Oh love.", she sighs as she embraces me. "Seth told me about that vile business with your poor father. I hope I am not intruding on your grief too early, but I wanted to make sure you know I am thinking of you."
All I can bear to do is nod my head silently and lean into her hug, but I think she gets that I am grateful. Meanwhile Esme is quick to offer refreshments.
Esme and Rosalie had returned with Iris the previous day, after the rest of the family did one final sweep to definitively confirm there are no hostile vampires left in the area. Eager for another person to show off her baby to, Rosalie soon has Sue wrangled onto a couch with a cup of tea. Seth happily joins them in cooing over little Iris. His infectious cheer makes him a great favorite with her, and his werewolf smell does not seem to bother her at all.
Leah meanwhile hangs back, which does not surprise me. As the only female werewolf in known history, she faces a struggle unique in the pack of being rendered essentially infertile by the activation of the werewolf genes. Frozen in their early twenties, the men still produce healthy sperm, but Leah no longer has a menstrual cycle. It must be an especially painful punch in the gut to now see live evidence that a cold dead vampire has been able to birth a child while she can't.
Not in the mood to join the happy little bubble on the couch, I take a seat next to Leah. She gives me a look that dares me to talk about the baby, but I know better.
"How are the renovations going?", I ask instead.
The newborn attacks on the reservation during Sam and Jacob's tenures as pack alpha had left tremendous destruction in their wake. Many houses were damaged beyond repair, and some of the utilities shut off where cables and pipes had been broken.
"Shit.", Leah answers concisely. "We have no money, no resources, and few builders, as most of the young men died trying to protect the weak from the vampires."
"Did the insurance really refuse to pay out anything?" This had been a big problem. About half the buildings on the reservation had at least some form of property insurance, but the companies smelled miles away that this is a vulnerable community that can never afford to take them to court if they deny the claims.
"They had a change of heart actually." Leah's face forms into a slightly feral grin. "Your boyfriend put this shady lawyer guy on the case, and suddenly they agree that they owe us money."
"Ah Jenks, he's a good one. Helped me get the paperwork sorted for Iris' birth.", I grin in return, and make a mental note to thank Jasper. Considering how long the relationship between the pack and the Cullens had been hostile, I really appreciate his efforts to help them now.
"Still, it will take a good while to process all the cases and get a payout. And then more time to actually build anything.", Leah sighs. "And meanwhile nearly a quarter of the tribe is homeless. Sleeping outside is not so bad when you're in wolf form, but it's annoying to always have to ask people if you can shower at their place."
"Your house was hit too!", I exclaim, surprised. Seth had been by a few times, and not mentioned anything. Leah glares at me. I suppose it must be a point of pride to them.
"We're not the worst off. They tore right through our place, but at least left most of our stuff alone. We still have most of our valuables, important paperwork, and clothes. Plenty of people can't say the same. And of the three of us mom is the only one who really needs a bed at night. She has been bunking with Emily."
I frown. Emily was a cousin of the Clearwaters, the one that Leah's former fiancé Sam had left her for when he imprinted. I can't imagine Leah wanting to spend much time around that situation.
"What are the plans for the rebuilding so far?", I try to divert the situation.
"We are prioritizing the town hall, because it can serve multiple purposes while we tackle the rest. School by day, homeless refuge at night."
"I'd be happy to help.", Emmett chimes in, evidently warmed by the two other Clearwaters' adoration of his daughter. "I learned quite a bit about construction when we were all building my house together with the family. Time to give some good karma back."
Kate joins our conversation as well. "I'd love to help fix up the utilities.", she says. "I can probably get some extra credit for my engineering degree for it."
"I'll swing it by Quil.", Leah says. "The council of elders will have to agree, but the only two of them left are mom and Quil's granddad, and they realize we need all the help we can get."
Over the next few weeks we start helping the Quileutes where we can. They are grateful for the extra hands, but won't take any money or supplies. Thus we get creative with the limited budget and natural materials.
Kate and Rosalie design an extremely efficient sawmill apparatus together, for which Kate receives an honorable distinction at her engineering college.
With good quality hardwood planks now in ready supply, Emmett, Jasper and Garrett make quick work of fixing up the town hall.
Peter and Charlotte tackle the broken utility systems with their prior experience from Montana ranch life.
Esme 'loans out' a set of large pots and industrial gas burners (that she absolutely did not acquire just for this purpose) and recruits several local women into running a soup kitchen.
Carlisle, finally allowed to provide medical care to the people on the reservation, runs an extremely busy free walk-in clinic. Seth, ever eager to please Carlisle, starts helping out as an orderly. To everyone's surprise he takes to it like a fish to water and finds a genuine passion for the medical field, absorbing everything Carlisle tells him like a sponge.
Before the month is out every person on the reservation is at least assured of a dry place at night and three square meals per day. School has resumed for the children, even if in improvised conditions. The first insurance payouts are made, helping people get started with the rebuilding of their own homes.
The sense of community within the tribe is stronger than ever, as everyone helps each other. And distrust of the Cullens quickly fades as my family works tirelessly to aid the rebuilding efforts. I throw myself into the work as well, finding that it soothes my grief to help others and see progress as the buildings are repaired.
I have no particular talent or interest for construction, but I have claimed the old fishing boat that dad used to share with Harry Clearwater and Billy Black. I never had much of an interest in fishing either, but now I find peace in being out on the water, and fresh food is ever welcome to the people on the reservation.
While I have picked up my course work at university again, the crowdedness of Seattle does not suit me well in my current mood. We drive back to Forks every weekend, and the quiet hours out on the water soon become the highlight of my week. Especially the times when Jasper joins me, which is often.
Somewhat to my surprise at first, when Jasper is occupied elsewhere I am also regularly joined by Leah. I suppose she too must find some solace in remembering her late father in his favorite environment.
"My dad would have come to your graduation.", she says one day out of the blue.
"What?", I reply, surprised. We rarely exchange more than greetings to begin with, but this was also a rather confusing comment.
"I was thinking about my graduation. That it was the last time I saw our dads together. Billy Black was there too. I heard he didn't go to your graduation because of your vampires. My dad would have come, whatever the tribe bullshit."
"Thanks.", I say, not knowing what else to say.
Suddenly a thought occurs to me. "You mind finishing up here alone Leah? I need to do something."
She looks at me in confusion, but I am already out of the boat, wading to the shore. My clothes dry while running down to Forks and five minutes later I am seated in the diner, where Sue joins me at my table as it is a quiet day.
"You know Sue, my father's house is still sitting empty. I don't have any use for it, but I don't want to sell it or rent it out to strangers either. However without anyone living there the maintenance is starting to fall behind. You would do me a great favor if you were willing to move in there, and I wouldn't want any money. Some help with the upkeep is enough."
Sue swallows. She is a proud woman "Really?", she asks.
"Really. We'll draw up paperwork in the morning." Being a person who has trouble accepting help myself, I know I have to push this immediately to get her to accept.
I can see her run the math in her head. In addition to the mortgage, her former house had a far higher energy bill since it had thinner walls without proper insulation. It and any other property on the reservation she might find is also much further away from her work than dad's house in town, and the gas mileage on her old car is very poor.
"Seth wants to drop out of school to get a job to help me."
I have never wanted children, but suddenly I understand exactly how Rosalie's brain works. And Esme's, and Sue's. She would rather sleep under a bridge than accept help for herself, but to improve her children's prospects she'll take charity with both hands. I nod encouragingly.
"All right, if I can truly help you out by taking care of Charlie's house for you I would be glad to move in. Just until we are able to afford a place of our own again mind you."
I smile and hug her. She shudders a little, we have been standing out in the cold for a while so my reptilian like body must have cooled down a lot. It does not make her let go.
Briefly I think of my own mother. How often I had had to reason with her that if she signed up for another pottery class we wouldn't be able to pay the energy bill at the end of the month. That if she stayed out late she wouldn't be able to get up in time to drive me to school early for my school trip. That if she adopted that kitten and the landlord found out we would be evicted. Did she miss some gene that these other mothers in my life all seemed to have, that made them put the needs of their children first?
For the first time in my life I wonder to what extend my reluctance to have children was shaped by my reluctance to put another child trough the childhood that I had had.
Charlie was a terrible housekeeper, but a good father. When I moved in I had taken over the cooking and laundry because I am better at it, not because he made me. I never even gave him a chance really. If I left him to it we would probably have eaten at the diner more than I can stand, and some of my more fragile clothes might have been destroyed in the laundry, but I instinctively knew that to whatever standard he could manage he would have made sure my needs were taken care off. My mother however... Suffice it to say I am glad my grandmother was around until was ten and could keep myself afloat.
I think of Iris. My amazing baby goddaughter. When I accepted the role of godmother, and Jasper the role of godfather, we theoretically signed up to be her guardians should both her parents die. That is unthinkable of course. Strong Emmett, tough Rosalie, I cannot imagine even the combined forces of Maria, Victoria and the Volturi being able to take them down. Should it happen though, I would have to be a replacement mother to that little girl. I never questioned my ability to do that. But what about a child of my own?
My eyes tear up yet again, and Sue holds me a little closer.