Chapter 21: Never Enough

I had never been confronted with these feelings before. Failure, emptiness, numbness. Experiencing them all once was too much. The weight of it all sat on my chest. It felt as if it would cave in. Was it selfish of me to feel this way? Others around me had lost just as much, if not more. Companions, loved ones, homes, their lives. What right did I have to feel sorry for myself? I had failed my people, my mate... my child. I was a pitiful excuse for a ruler, a mate, and a father. I'd failed to protect them all. They deserved better than someone like me. My people were shaken. My mate gone and my child cold and burried in the ground. Yet, here I was, cowering behind closed doors, hidden from the world, hidden from my shame and self-loathing.

In the very room where I shattered her, I sought her in our bed, desperately clinging to the faint hope of finding a trace of her warmth or scent. Foolishly, I yearned for her to have left behind something—anything—that might comfort me, that might pull me from this descent, to halt my drowning. Yet all I found were the memories of our final moments here, a stain I could not remove. In half a century, I have never felt so utterly hollow. My troops scoured every corner of the Western Empire for Akio, but their efforts brought nothing—not a trace. Instead of being out there with my men and leading them, I remained here. I sensed Botan's presence at the door. I said nothing, hoping he would leave.

He waited for a few moments before speaking.

"My Lord," he had said.

Again, I said nothing.

"My Lord, please. You must come out," he urged. "The people need to see you. They need to see that their Lord is not shaken. That you are still strong. Despite us recently being attacked. That there is nothing to fear... the people are frightened, my Lord. They need to be put at ease, they need you."

I knew he was right. Still, I said nothing. I continued to lay in the spot where she once did. He slid the door open angrily, stepped inside, and closed it with equal force. The frames rattled from the force.

"My Lord. We need you. You cannot simply lie here, wasting away like this. We need our ruler."

Simply lying here was all I was capable of right now. I was not fit to lead them, not after this.

"Sesshomaru," he said curtly.

It had been centuries since he had last said my name, and in that way. My guard, my oldest and closest friend.

"You are better than this! The eldest son of your father and mother. You have carried his legacy for half a millennium. You have been doing it phenomenally. Do not let one fool ruin that. As heavy as it may be, you have carried the weight thus far. You have lived up to and surpassed every expectation. You have lived by their rules and given them everything they asked for. No matter what they have asked of you. You have given it to them. You are the Lord we need. Please, I beg of you. Do it for your people, for our Lady... for Rin."

I sat up slowly, staring at her spot. I let my hand linger there before turning to Botan.

"What news do you have to tell me?"

He straightened up and cleared his throat.

"We have received word from the scouts sent to the East."

I gripped the best frame. "Has Akio been found?"

"No, My Lord. However, Akio's brother has returned. He is ascending the throne in Akio's absence.

His brother Yuta... in his absence. Who sent word for him to return? There is a chance the two of them have exchanged correspondence. He could know where the conniving snake is.

"Botan. Fetch me a new sword and ready my armor. Place more guards around the palace. Dispatch one hundred more scouting soldiers in my absence. Have them placed throughout the villages."

"Your absence, My Lord? If you do not mind my asking. When and where will you be going?"

"Tonight. I set off for the Eastern empire."

I moved stealthily through the dark, dense forest, clad in the armor my father had worn in countless battles. His sword at my side. It had taken me hours to reach the outskirts of the East. Suddenly, I heard the snap of a twig behind me. I halted and glanced back over my shoulder.

"Botan. Why did you follow me?"

The bushes rustled as he came out of hiding.

"I could not let you venture off alone, My Lord."

"Return to the palace, Botan," I ordered.

"You have known I have been here all this time. I must respectfully decline, My Lord. Had you instructed me to return hours earlier, I might have been more inclined to comply."

I continued. He was a loyal soldier, but his loyalty aside, when it came to matters like this, he would not move. Leaving my side while I walked into danger was one of those things.

"My Lord. What are you planning to do? Surely you do not think Akio will be there hiding."

"I do not," I said plainly.

A few moments of silence passed between us. The realization must have been setting in for him.

"You never intended to find Akio there. Some answers perhaps... mainly for revenge."

I glanced over my shoulder. "Will you still not turn back? The things I am about to do will be considered an act of war. You could be punished. Or, if I was to die here. You would likely die with me."

He rested his hand on the hilt of his sword. His face hardened. "I would gladly die by your side, My Lord. Besides, they have already started a war, My Lord. We will finish it."

"Hn."

I could see torches coming up in the distance. A single human guard stood at the village entrance. His back turned to us. I abruptly stopped. Botan followed suit. I sharpened my claws, letting my whip drop from them. I whipped it, wrapping it around the guard's neck. I yanked him backward, causing him to drop his spear. He crashed into me, and I quickly wrapped my arms around his throat. He struggled against me, thrashing and clawing at me. I squeezed tightly until I heard the subtle crack of his neck. His body went limp in my arms. I dropped his body to the ground, and we continued stopping at the village entrance. A few villagers still lingered during the night. They mingled without a care in the world. They had no worries. They had not an inkling of how wrong they all were. It mattered not. Soon, there would be nothing left of this place.

"My Lord."

"Turn your back, Botan."

I did not want him to bear witness to what happened next.

This time, he did as he was told. I drew my sword. That is when the villagers began to take notice of me. The slow realization seeped in as their fear-stricken faces twisted in horror. They knew what was going to happen. Some had even accepted it. Hopelessness washed over them. Some still had hope. Already turned on their heels and ran, but it mattered not.

"Yes, my Lord."

I took a deep breath. My shoulders sank. I let it take over... the rage. I could see nothing but red. I took off after them. One by one, I cut them down. Men, women, and children. They were all the same to me: a means to an end. The words repeated in my mind over and over. Cut them down.

Men.

Slice.

Women.

Slice

Children

Slice.

They meant nothing to me. Their lives held significance to me, just as my child's life held none to him. I had already lost the most important things to me. I would make them feel a minuscule amount of the pain I felt. Ending their lives swiftly was the only kindness I could show them. Their blood-soaked my clothes and shoes. Each step I took left a bloodied footprint. I looked down at the dead bodies around me. Seeing them this way. Their dismembered bodies did nothing to pacify my anger. I knew it would not, but I would not stop.

"Botan."

He made his way over to me. He paid no attention to my appearance.

"Yes, My Lord."

"Burn this village to the ground if you find any survivors. Bring them to me."

He bowed. "Yes, My Lord."

I watched him set every hut ablaze. Still, it did nothing to ease the ache in my chest. Botan returned, accompanied by four survivors—all young men. They trembled with fear. I sheathed my sword and knelt to meet their gaze at eye level.

"I am showing you four grace, by letting you live. In return, you will do something for me. Know this: what happened here is no fault of your own but the fault of your Lord, Akio. It is because of his atrocities against the Western Empire that you have lost your home, your kin, and your companions. You will four will go and spread stories of what happened here and why it happened. Do you understand?"

They shook their heads vigorously

"Now, go."

They scrambled away from me, tripping over their own feet. I watched them run off into the forest. I committed to remembering their faces. To not kill them when I encountered them in the next village.

Dead men are unable to tell tales.

The sun would rise soon. We spent the night moving from village to village, laying waste to them. The blood of the people I'd slain had dried and crusted over my skin. My clothes were stiff and stained red. My hair clumped together, pieces of their flesh hanging from them. I smelled of iron smoke and ash. Looking at my reflection in the river, I saw that I looked unrecognizable.

Slaughter.

Arson.

Threaten.

Repeat.

Still, it mattered not what I did. The emptiness remained. No number of lives would equal to hers. Nothing would fill the void in my heart. Nothing would bring Rin back. Still, I did not care. Until I found the one responsible, they would continue to pay. I would force them to deliver him to me. Botan and I trekked quietly towards their palace. Off in the distance, we could see the guards posted out front. The closer we came, the more we noticed they made no movements. There were no weapons pointed at us. They did not question us.

We were expected. The survivors had played their roles well.

I took a step forward. All five guard simultaneously pointed their swords at me.

Were they only instructed to attack if I did not leave?

"Turn back." One of them ordered.

I sheathed my sword.

"Five of you will not be enough."

Before one of them could speak, Botan had cut them down where they stood. We stepped over their mutilated corpses and continued to the palace doors. I leaned back and kicked the door open. Both flew off the hinges. The music had stopped. The room had gone silent. Everyone's attention was on me. Their eyes raked over my disheveled appearance. Yet, there was not a single look of surprise. My showing up here was expected. I am sure they knew what Akio had done and no doubt what I had done to their people had reached their ears. Botan stood tight by side. His hand was on the hilt of his sword, watching the crowd just as intensely as I was. That is when I saw them: the children. Two young girls and an eldest boy. Children I had seen before. Akio's children. I gripped the hilt of my sword tightly. Until my fingers burned. White hot rage burned in me, burning in my veins. His children still lived and breathed. While my only child was cold in the ground, rotting. I demanded to be paid in the blood I came for. I dashed towards them, ready to strike them down. Akio's brother jumped in front of the children at the last moment. As I assumed he would. The tip of my sword was firmly pressed against his throat. A single drop of blood cascaded down to his collarbone. He did not move. He did not plead for his life. The look in his eyes was not one of fear.

"Move,"

"I cannot. This is not right. These are my brother's children. My family. If you are angry with my brother, speak to me. Do not take it out on his children, Lord Sesshomaru."

I pressed the sword in deeper. The tip was fully submerged. Blood dribbled from the corner of his mouth. Still, he did not move.

"YOUR BROTHER KILLED MY ONLY CHILD!" I yelled.

His eyes went wide. It seemed as if he had not been aware.

"He assaults my mate, kills those she cares about. I had to send her away to keep her safe. He marches into my lands and kills my people, my men, my child. YET YOU TELL ME THIS IS NOT RIGHT!?

"I did not know," he said quietly.

"Bring him to me." I bit out.

He clenched his jaw. "He is not here."

"Then tell me where her is Yuta."

"No one has seen him."

My eyes narrowed into slits. "If he is not here to pay for the sins he has committed. Someone will pay in his stead. Doing so will buy you some time."

"Our people have already been slaughtered. Villages burned to the ground."

"It is still not enough. It will never be enough." I whispered harshly.

"Please. Lord Sesshomaru, not the children. They are innocent."

"Just as my child was innocent?"

I pulled my sword from him, grabbed a fist full of his hair, and yanked his head forward.

"CHOOSE!"

"Alright!" he said, choking on his blood.

He stood and turned to look at them, he gave them one last hug. Fear rolled off them in waves. I looked up and saw three women. Horror was plastered on their faces.

Their mothers, no doubt, were waiting to see which of their children would have to pay the price for their father.

He turned back to me, fists clenched at his side.

"The youngest girl." He said quietly.

The woman behind her fell to her knees. Grief-stricken that her child had been chosen to be sacrificed.

"Step aside. I ordered.

He did as he was told. I went to her and stooped down to look her in the eyes. Her little eyes were glossing over. She was young, but she was old enough to know what was about to happen. Her eyes were kind. A sweet-looking child. She was shaking, and rightfully so. I must have seemed like a monster to her. I pushed her hair over her shoulder and patted her head.

"It is all right, little one. You need not worry. I am not here to hurt you."

Hope shone in her eyes.

"Go to your mother, little one," I told her.

She smiled and ran away, crashing into her mother's arms. I stood up, watching the two embrace one another as they cried.

"Lord Sesshomaru... have you changed your-"

I swiped my sword quickly. No one knew what had happened until it was over. A woman's voice cried out in terror. The pain in her voice rang out and echoed in my ears. His body hit the floor with a loud thud. His head rolled over and stopped at my feet. Gasps could be heard coming from the crowds.

"YOU TOLD ME TO CHOOSE!"

"Yes, and you chose wrong," I said, walking away. "Each year, I do not have Akio. Someone will have to pay the price. Let today be a lesson to you. All of you. I intend to come and collect." I called over my shoulder.

All I had done here was still not enough... it would never be enough.