Chapter 4: Disquiet

Makoto strolled into the diner at Shibuya. It had been about two weeks since they'd last all met here, and somehow, that seemed like a long time. Maybe she was already getting used to seeing everyone regularly again. That would definitely be a good thing; while she generally enjoyed being at the university and wouldn't say her life there was bad, there was nothing quite like the bond she shared with the rest of the Phantom Thieves.

Then she saw that only Ryuji was at the table when she approached, and wondered if this might be a much smaller meeting than before.

"Hey, Makoto," Ryuji said, waving as she walked up. "How goes it?"

"Hello, Ryuji," Makoto said. "Has anyone else arrived yet, or is it just us so far?"

"Just us." Ryuji paused, looking like he was about to say something else, then jumped and reached for his pocket. Makoto felt her phone vibrate at the same moment, and knew what that meant. The two of them both pulled out their phones, and she saw a message in the group text from Yusuke.

YUSUKE: Heart and mind, at odds

An artist's work, a challenge

Occupies my day.

"He . . . wrote us a haiku," Makoto mused. "I think he's saying he can't join us?"

"Yeah, last time we talked he said someone was teaching him poetry," Ryuji said. "Is that a good one? I don't remember reading much of this stuff."

"It's not bad," Makoto said with a nod. She slid into the booth across from Ryuji. "Haru told me yesterday that she won't be able to make it, she has a board meeting. But Ann hasn't said anything about missing this, so hopefully she'll be here."

"Yeah, she's gonna be here." Ryuji put his phone away and grinned. "You remember how she was, all about figuring out when we could meet next. And y'know, I've been missing this. All of us, together again?"

"I did too." Makoto smiled. Just as she'd been thinking about, there really was something special about this group. Even if not all of them were around–

"Hey, everyone!"

Makoto turned to see Ann striding toward them, a brilliant smile on her face. She looked so happy, and Makoto wondered for a moment how much of that was because she was back with friends and how much of it was because she went home to Shiho every day. That had to make things better, didn't it? Makoto wasn't sure how she'd handle something like that, but she could see how the idea was appealing.

Was that something she wanted? It wasn't something she'd thought about much before, and unfortunately she didn't have the time to consider it right now.

"Look who I pulled away from her studies," Ann added, and gently shoved Futaba out from behind her. The younger woman looked kind of nervous, but waved at them all, and Makoto wondered if she still had trouble sometimes with being around a lot of people, even after all these years.

"Is this everyone who's showing up?" Ann asked.

"It looks that way," Makoto said. "Yusuke just texted us-"

"A haiku," Ryuji interrupted.

"–to say he won't be here," Makoto went on, "and Haru has a board meeting."

"Still waiting to see if my girlfriend's gonna be able to show up," Ryuji said, his voice almost too casual.

The table went silent. Makoto blinked at him; she knew she hadn't misheard him but still found it very hard to believe. Futaba just stared at him, mouth open.

Ann recovered faster than the rest of them, and asked, "You have a girlfriend?" She slid into the booth across from Ryuji, making Makoto move over. "Spill," she said, staring directly at him, as Futaba sat down next to her.

Ryuji laughed, loud and with a huge grin, like he had back in high school when there was something to celebrate. "I didn't think you'd believe me," he said, then rubbed at the back of his head. "Kind of glad I was wrong about that."

"It does kind of feel like what happens when the world's ending," Futaba said. "Is this a sign of the end times? Did the moon turn red?"

"Yeah, there you go." Ryuji rolled his eyes, but he still grinned. "No, I'm serious. This was a couple weeks ago, maybe a day or two after we were here last. I went to a girls' basketball game with the rest of the track team – we go and support other teams if we don't have our own stuff going on, it's something all the school's teams do."

"That is nice," Ann said. "Now tell us about the girl!"

Ryuji laughed again. "So we were all hanging out after the game, the track team and the basketball team, just listening to music and shooting the shit and all that. But I started talking with one of the girls, and it was like, we had the exact same vibe. We were making the same kind of jokes, we knew all the same shows and music, and it was just – you ever talk to someone for like five minutes, and it feels like you've known them forever?"

Makoto shook her head. "I've heard of that, but it's never happened to me." Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Ann nod. Was Ann agreeing with her, or had she felt like that when she met Shiho?

"That sounds scary as heck," Futaba said, her eyes wide behind her glasses. "I'd think they were reading my mind or something."

Ryuji paused, a curious look on his face. Then he shook his head. "Nah, if she'd read my mind, she would have asked about something I don't want to talk about here, so I don't think she can do that. Anyway, when things started dying down, this girl, she said she wanted to go try this new ramen shop, over in Kichijoji. The place has only been around for a few months, and she'd heard it was really good, so she wanted to go."

"That definitely sounds like your type," Ann said. It sounded like she approved. That was a good thing for Ryuji – if Ann didn't like his girlfriend, Makoto was sure she wouldn't have any trouble saying so.

"I know, right?" Ryuji grinned again, his expression brightening. "And I was good to go, because there's no way I was gonna miss out on trying a new ramen place. I dunno why, but nobody else wanted to go. So the two of us went and checked it out, it's good stuff, you should totally go there."

He paused, and something about his smile changed, something Makoto didn't have words for. Makoto leaned in a little before she realized she was doing it. Or maybe she was just mirroring Ann, who had leaned in quite a bit more, like she sensed something good was coming up.

"So we finished up and headed out, and we were talking about if we wanted to do something else, because it wasn't too late and we were already in Kichijoji. And she said to me, this kind of feels like a date."

Ann giggled. "Ooh, she got you."

Ryuji nodded, his eyes wide. "And I just knew I had to take my shot, so I said, do you want it to be?"

Makoto narrowed her eyes, peering at him. "That's much smoother than I'd expect from you." It seemed almost unreal that it had been so easy for him. She'd heard about him fumbling at trying to pick up girls before.

He held up his hands, and shook his head. "I'm not smooth, I know that! It just seemed like the right thing to say, and it worked!"

"She said yes?" Ann said, utter glee in her voice.

"Yeah, she did!" Ryuji looked like he'd never stop smiling. "I told her, there's this darts place I used to go with my friends all the time, and she was into it, so we headed there." He laughed again, and knocked his knuckles on the table. "We've been going out when we can for the past couple weeks now. It's . . . it's real good, I still kind of can't believe it."

Silence hung over the table for a moment. There was something really nice about seeing him happy like this, Makoto thought. But now that made two of her friends who were dating other people, when they'd all gone through high school with every single one of them staying single. Was this how it was going to be in the coming years, everyone meeting someone and pairing up?

It came to her again – was that something she wanted for herself? And if she did, who?

"It just seems weird that you've got a girlfriend," Futaba said. "I kind of thought you were doomed to die old and lonely."

Ryuji's face fell. "Gee, thanks, Futaba. . . ."

"I think it's amazing," Ann said. She seemed almost as . . . emotionally enthusiastic as she'd been after she told them all about her relationship with Shiho. "What's her name? And when do we get to meet her?"

"Her name's Tsuruko," Ryuji said, "and-" He froze as his phone buzzed, and he glanced at it, then sighed as his whole body seemed to deflate at once. "And she can't make it today. Damn it."

"Oh, that's too bad," Ann said, and it sounded genuine. It seemed that she really did want to meet this new person in Ryuji's life. "Do you have a picture of her?"

"Yeah, one sec." Ryuji started thumbing through something on his phone, then flipped it around to show the rest of them. "Here she is."

The woman in Ryuji's photo was absolutely an athlete, tanned and slender and fit, with long black hair tied back in a loose ponytail and blunt-cut bangs just above her eyebrows. She was standing next to Ryuji at what looked like a basketball game, clad in her uniform that left her arms and shoulders bare. Both of them were grinning widely at the camera and holding up two fingers in a V-sign.

They really did look happy, Makoto thought. A twinge of what she hoped wasn't jealousy twisted somewhere inside of her, and she squashed it as quickly as she could.

"Whoa, she's taller than you," Futaba breathed. It was true – just from the picture, Makoto guessed Tsuruko was even taller than Ren, maybe Yusuke's height.

"Those cheekbones – has she ever modeled?" Ann asked.

"Dunno, she's never told me if she has," Ryuji said. "And of course she's tall, she's on the basketball team," he added, looking at Futaba.

Makoto leaned back and took it all in as the others talked, putting a hand to her chin as she thought. It had never bothered her before that she hadn't dated anyone; she'd had enough going on in high school for it to hardly be a concern. But now, having it happen for several of her friends . . . it seemed like something had changed among all of them. Maybe she was imagining it. Or maybe she was just thinking too hard.

But somehow, it was sticking in her mind, and all through their meal and conversation, it refused to go away. She knew dating someone wouldn't suddenly make her happy – life didn't work like that. But being that happy to be with someone?

She couldn't deny that it sounded really nice.

Haru returned to her dorm room after spending far, far too much of her day in the corporate world. She let out a long sigh, and took off the fancier coat she'd taken to wearing to meetings in an effort to look more professional. Despite technically being head of the company, she knew many people on the Okumura Foods board still thought she was too young to be there, so she did what she could to show them otherwise.

But all the same, it was good to get home, to a place that was only hers, and feel like she could be her actual age again. The dorm room was small, but there was a genuine comfort to having a place that was only hers, that had only ever been hers.

She took off her shoes and put on some comfortable clothes, and was about to figure out what to do for dinner, when her phone rang. She glanced at it, and her heart gave a single hard pound.

Makoto was calling her.

Haru answered as quickly as she could. "Hello, Makoto," she said, fighting to keep her voice from shaking. "How are you?"

"Hello, Haru," Makoto said.

"I'm sorry I missed lunch with everyone today," Haru said, leaning against her dorm room's desk, and staring out the window at the city lights. "I couldn't get away from the board meeting." She paused. "I feel like such an old lady, saying something like that."

"You're fine," Makoto said, and from the tone of her voice, Haru could tell she was smiling. "You're younger than me, remember?"

Haru held her phone closer, wishing she could see Makoto's face right now. True, she could try a video chat, but the last time she'd tried that she'd hung up on the person three times trying to get it going, and she didn't want to risk that right now. Just hearing Makoto's voice was fine. And if she started blushing again . . . maybe Makoto didn't need to see that.

Or maybe Haru wanted her to. Maybe Makoto would ask why, and . . . no, that wasn't a good idea.

"And I understand," Makoto continued. "I've spent enough time with Sae to know that being grown up sometimes means spending all day talking with people even if you don't want to."

Haru sighed, shoving away her thoughts from a moment ago. "It really does."

"But I wanted to fill you in on what you missed today," Makoto said, then paused. "Ryuji told us he has a girlfriend."

"Oh! That's a surprise," Haru said, then winced a little, hoping that hadn't been too mean. "I mean . . . I guess he's grown up some over the past few years."

"He said she's a lot like him, so how much he's grown is up for debate," Makoto said, though it still sounded like she was smiling.

"But that's good to hear, I'm happy for him," Haru said, then the next few words slipped out before she could stop them. "It seems like a lot of our friends are dating someone now."

It was a moment before Makoto replied. "I noticed that," she said. It . . . it didn't sound like she was smiling anymore.

"I . . . can't help but wonder if you're going to be next," Haru said, then put a hand over her face. That was a terribly leading thing to say, wasn't it.

But maybe it wasn't a bad thing to say. She did want to know how Makoto felt about . . . well, about all of this. And at least they had reason to be talking about relationships, if Ryuji was in one now. It wasn't like Haru could simply ask if Makoto liked girls or something like that, could she? Maybe she could . . . find a way to make it come up naturally.

Makoto laughed, just barely, then said, "Now saying that, that's what makes you sound like an old lady."

"Someone once told me only an old lady would wear sweaters like mine," Haru said, sighing at the memory.

"That person was wrong," Makoto said. "But . . . I don't expect to date anyone anytime soon."

Haru's heart sank, and she stepped away from her desk, pacing around the small room to keep herself from sinking down to the floor like she had before. That was not what she'd expected to hear. She'd never known Makoto to be a romantic, but surely she hadn't just given up already?

"It's not like I have any prospects in my classes, I mean," Makoto continued. "Most of the people in my law classes want to become lawyers, and so many of them are very focused and very serious, so much that they remind me of my sister. And the ones who aren't, well, they seem like the type who'd turn out to be the wrong kind of lawyers."

That was . . . not where Haru had thought this would go. "I see," she said, more to keep the conversation going than anything else.

"And the people who're going into law enforcement, like me, they're all stern and hard-nosed men who remind me too much of my father." Makoto paused, and Haru could almost see the other girl shaking her head. "I'm not sure if I have a type, but it's definitely not that."

Some part of Haru rejoiced, a tiny burst of hope. She was neither stern nor hard-nosed, so that meant she had a chance. Haru bit back another sigh and told that part of her to be quiet, that wasn't what Makoto meant.

"That's mostly where I see people these days," Makoto said, "and I'm not meeting anyone there I'd like to date. So I'm not getting my hopes up."

Don't say it, Haru told herself. Don't say it. "But that's not the only place you go," she said. "What about someone at aikido club?"

She'd said it. Haru squeezed her eyes shut and hoped Makoto didn't think she was hinting at something. What if she realized it? What if she told Haru that wasn't going to happen?

Or what if she said it could happen?

There was silence for a long moment, long enough for Haru to wonder if Makoto had disconnected, or if something else had happened, or if she truly had said the wrong thing and Makoto was upset with her now. But when Makoto spoke again, her voice sounded different – a curious, almost dreamy tone that Haru had never heard from her.

"That's . . . an interesting question," Makoto said, quieter than before. "I don't know if there's anyone at aikido club who'd be my type, but anything's possible, I suppose."

Haru's heart started beating faster than it had in a long, long time. She held her phone in both hands and dared to hope.

"There were two people there, last year, who started dating, and last I heard they were going to get married," Makoto continued. "I know I'm not really the sentimental type, but there was something so sweet about the way they treated each other. They said they felt like they were just plain right for each other, like they just knew."

Haru bit at her lip to keep from making a noise. What Makoto was saying sounded wonderful. And she wouldn't have thought the other girl would ever say something like that, would ever talk about two people in love like that.

Was Makoto hinting at something? Could she be? Or was Haru just reading into it, hoping so hard she saw something that wasn't there?

"It must be nice," Haru said quietly when the silence had stretched on too long, "to find someone like that. To know someone is right for you."

"It must be," Makoto said, her voice still low.

And that was just too much. Haru knew that if she kept talking, she was going to blurt out something she didn't want to say. Everything she was feeling was just . . . too raw to deal with right now. And – and there was still no way to know what Makoto felt, about girls or about her specifically or anything else, really. Now was not the time to ask. She just couldn't handle it right now, no matter what Makoto's answer was.

"I'm sorry, but I should go," Haru managed, fighting to keep her voice steady. "I'm tired and I need to figure out what I'm doing for food." She cleared her throat, trying to sound normal. "But thank you for calling me, it was good to hear your – to hear about all this," she managed to get out.

"You too," Makoto said. "Will you be at aikido club tomorrow?"

"I will," Haru said. "Goodnight, Mako-chan."

"Goodnight."

Haru set her phone down and finally slumped to the floor, breathing hard. She held her hands together and pressed them to her chest, then let out a sigh and looked out the window again, in case there were somehow some answers in the city's lights.

How was she supposed to handle this? It had barely been more than two weeks since she first started realizing what she felt, and it had only gotten harder to deal with since then. It seemed that falling too quickly and too hard was just how her heart worked, and that . . . it wasn't bad, but what was she supposed to do about this now?

She didn't want to get hurt again, not like before. And she knew Makoto would be kind if the answer was no. But Ren had been kind too. That hadn't made it hurt any less.

If only she had some way to know – some hint that Makoto was interested in girls, or even just her, that would make everything easier. But just asking seemed like . . . she didn't know if she could do that. And if she started asking her friends if Makoto had said anything about it, that would only lead to a lot of questions she wasn't ready to answer.

It was fine that Futaba knew, because she could keep a secret. But if Haru told Ann – Ann would be supportive, of course she would, but she'd want to make things happen. Ann would try to set them up on a surprise date or something, and Haru knew that would only end in disaster.

Haru sighed again, then picked herself up off the floor. She'd been through this before, she could find her way through it again. There was reason to hope it could end differently this time, but how was she supposed to make that happen when there was so much she couldn't figure out?