Haymitch's pov

Everything was so well planned, every testimony matched that I had to stop asking questions. Leila had volunteered and Peeta had been ' chosen' because Plutarch had complained about the lack of enthusiasm in the propo. One thing Plutarch and I were sure of, Coin wanted Katniss dead.

"Haymitch, Boggs wants to talk to you," Plutarch informed me, I took the intercom from his hands.

"I listen to you."

"We have a problem."

"Leila is she ok?" Boggs took a few seconds to answer me

"Yes, soldier Brighlock is...fine" I didn't let slip the pause in his answer "It's soldier Everdeen we have a problem with" I sighed irritably

"What about her?"

"She's provoking soldier Mellark."

"provoking how?" I mumbled

"To attack her, kill her, hurt her, you name the term. Which is creating an unnecessary tense situation in my squad."

"I want to talk to her"

" That's what I assumed" I heard Katniss's breath taking the phone.

*"What are you trying to do? Provoke him into an attack?" I asked containing my rage

"Of course not. I just want him to leave me alone," She responded defensively.

"Well, he can't. Not after what the Capitol put him through. Look, Coin may have sent him there hoping he'd kill you, but Peeta doesn't know that. He doesn't understand what's happened to him. So you can't blame him-"

"I don't!"

"You do! You're punishing him over and over for things that are out of his control. Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't have a fully loaded weapon next to you round the clock. But I think it's time you flipped this little scenario around in your head. If you'd been taken by the Capitol, and hijacked, and then tried to kill Peeta, is this the way he would be treating you?" I sigh of frustration at her silence " You and me, we made a deal to try and save him. Remember?" more silence. "Try and remember."* I barked before hanging up the phone.

Boggs was dead. Peeta had caused the death of one of his comrades, communication had been lost and the building where the rest of the squad had sought shelter had just been demolished by the capitol. They were dead or so the capitol images showed, something inside me refused to accept that they were dead.

Coin had ordered the respective propo to be made paying tribute to our 'heroes', the most significant propo to be made according to her words, this would motivate the troops.

Two, three and four days passed. There was no sign of any of them. I still refused to believe in their deaths. With no bodies to show for it, Snow televised the execution of six fellow victors who were in the capitol. Deterrence tactics, but already our full troops were only hours away from entering the capitol.

" Soldier Abernathy, you are wanted" I followed the soldier out of command. Johanna was holding a crying Milly. It wasn't new, since the little girl had also witnessed the Capitol broadcast, she cried all the time for Leila.

"Have you had any news?" I took Milly from her arms, I hated seeing her in that state and not being able to do anything.

"No, tomorrow will be definite. Where is Annie?"

"with the shrink," she shrugged without having to explain further to me "there's a big commotion at the hospital, what are they planning?" I had no knowledge of anything extraordinary going on.

"I suppose they are preparing to attend to the wounded. It is certain that as soon as the capitol falls, medical teams will go there, there are more resources and easier than attending to everyone here."

"What about us?" I looked away "what's going to happen once we take over? Am I going to stay here? Are you going to stay here?"

"Johanna... "I tried to reason.

"answer me"

"I don't know exactly...I" I hugged Milly tighter.

"promise me you'll do everything to get me on one of those hovercrafts as soon as possible" I didn't answer '"look at her and look at me!" Johanna ordered me. Big circles under her eyes from sleepless nights, her face still with traces of scratches. "We can't stay here as prisoners, Annie is on the verge of losing her mind and no matter how much I lie to her it's no use. You asked me to do it for her. If I appreciate her a little, well, I make the same request of you."

"Mish, I want my Leia back" whimpered Milly into my neck.

"I know sweetheart, I'm trying," I said, swallowing the knot in my throat "As soon as I can I'll get you out of here" I promised Johanna.

With a team of soldiers, Coin, Plutarch, Fulvia and I were heading in a hovercraft in the direction of the capitol. Drones were televising all the war and chaos going on in the capitol. I watched the screens looking for them, any trace that they were alive.

"Snow has opened the doors of his mansion to take in his people" Plutarch said behind me.

"Or to use them as shields, you mean. how long until we get there?"

"3 hours" parachutes of bombs exploded at the presidential gate. Countless lives lost. did they come from us or the other side? I kept quiet, my questions were useless. No matter where they came from it was a massacre my eyes were seeing.

"It is fortunate that our medical team left first, those poor people need us" said Coin joining in. I felt a shiver, were we heroes or villains?

A flash on the screen made me tense up. In one of the images, the camera was shaking a little due to the instability of the drones, but I could clearly distinguish a figure in the center of a group of medics, surrounded by the chaotic storm of explosions and smoke.

Prim.

The feeling in my stomach tightened. I saw her, it couldn't be, but it was her. The same blonde hair pulled back, the same worried but determined look. My throat tightened and the air grew thick. Something was not right.

The throng of people were running every which way, dismembered bodies littering the snow, parents passing their children to be protected by Snow's peacekeepers.

Suddenly, a series of explosions sounded in the distance. The ground shook slightly through the transmission, and I saw the distorted image of Prim disappear with the explosion. My heart stopped for a second, my eyes not wanting to believe what I was watching.

"No!" my voice came out broken, barely a whisper. But on the screen, the chaos continued. Drones were spinning, capturing images that were not meant to be seen. Prim was gone. Her young life cut short in a second.

Anger washed over me. Why her, why now?

A few seconds later, the doctors disappeared from the screen. Silence, heavier than ever, filled the cockpit of the hovercraft. The faces of Coin, Plutarch and Fulvia were still staring straight ahead, oblivious to what had just happened on the screen. Did none of them see what I had seen?

But I couldn't keep looking. I couldn't anymore. My breathing quickened, the pain I felt was real, as if the emptiness in my chest was taking the form of an earthen void, black, dark, impossible to fill.

What was left of it all, of the war, of the rebellion, of the sacrifices that had been made? Nothing. Nothing made sense. Nothing I had done seemed to matter.

We landed at the capitol. A hurried soldier greeted us as soon as we descended from the hovercraft.

"They've found them. They're alive" who, Prim? I wanted to ask but no words came out of my mouth. "Cressida, Pollux, Gale. Katniss and Peeta are being taken to the hospital."

"How serious is their condition?" asked Plutarch.

"Quite a bit, from what I was informed they have severe burns."

"What about the rest of the squad?" asked Coin.

"We have no news yet, president. We are waiting for Cressida's report"

"president Coin, if I may, I think it would be timely to send for Mrs. Everdeen" she nodded

"Fulvia gives the order for Katniss' mother to be brought to the capitol, along with the other two victors."

"Johanna and Annie?" asked Plutarch.

"Yes," Coin said without explanation.

"Leila's sister too" I said, finally finding my voice.

"no, this is not the time to bring children"

"she'll be left alone, her sister is most likely dead, she's coming"

"she won't be alone, district 13 will take care of her like with all the other orphans"

"She's not an orphan" I growled.

"President, she is just a child, I doubt she will cause any problems, we shouldn't put so much importance on this matter when there are other priorities" interjected Plutarch. Coin and I held our gazes until finally she nodded.

"soldier Banner, take soldier Abernathy to the hospital, I think his presence is more necessary there than with us" Without complaint I followed the young soldier.

When I arrived at the hospital I immediately asked about Peeta and Katniss. Both have been in the OR since they were brought in, burns over most of their bodies from what the nurse told me. I sit waiting, that's all I know how to do lately.

"Prepare OR 5 and 6 as a matter of urgency. We have two casualties" I heard a nurse order over the phone.

"Is it true what I heard from a soldier? Have they found him?" asked the other nurse in whispers.

"Who are you talking about?" asked another gossipy one.

"Finnick's" says the second one with a high pitched squeak. I feel my heart beating wildly "I heard they found him barely alive" then grimaced "apparently he's deformed".

"Stop it, you two!" ordered the first nurse.

"Is that true? Did you find Finnick Odair?" I asked them.

"Mr. Abernathy we still don't know who he is..."

"Where are OR 5 and 6?"

"only medical personnel are authorized" she sighed "as soon as they arrive and the identity of the patients are confirmed I will inform you"

"So I just have to wait, right?" I huffed angrily.

"Be patient, it's not only chaos outside, we are also overwhelmed."

"Well those two don't look like it" I pointed at the two gossips. Before Nurse 1 could answer me her phone rang.

"Yes, I understand, right away doctor. Silvi, Diane get ready for surgery, you have an assignment in OR 5." The two gossips got up immediately, following nurse 1's orders.

"It's Finnick isn't it?" she nodded "was he alone?" I asked in desperation.

"Mr. Odair has been found with whom they identified as Leila Brightlock."

"What's the status of both of them? Is she okay?"

"I don't know, you'll have to wait for the medical report."

"Fuck, but if they're taking them in for surgery it's because they're going bad" I growled angrily running a hand through my hair.

"I don't have much information, I just know that apparently Mr. Odair was in a more critical condition than the girl".

"Mr. Abernathy" called a doctor behind me "I have news about patient Everdeen, you're her mentor aren't you? "I nodded, feeling a pang at the last word. "She was brought in with burns over 70% of her body. Luckily the flames didn't touch her face" she was lucky?.. I took a deep breath "we have done skin graft transplants to replace the damaged one, we have also left her hooked up to a ventilator, her respiratory system was also affected by the smoke and flames, we will immediately start treatment to help her lungs recover".

"What about Peeta?"

"The percentage of burns was higher than the girl's, they are still working on him. With a little time they'll be as good as new."

The doctor walked toward the nurse. I clenched and unclenched my fists trying to calm down. I approached the doctor again

"Can I see them?" he looked at me confused for a few seconds.

"Not at the moment, authorized medical personnel only. Until the new skin has 'stuck'. We don't want it to get infected with external bacteria" he turned his attention back to the nurse.

Hours passed and I had no new news from Katniss, Peeta, Finnick or...Leila. They are alive, I wanted to console myself. It wasn't enough though, Prim was dead, Katniss volunteered for her, followed Snow's orders for her, went back to the arena and fought for her and she was gone. It was my fault. It all happened under my nose and I did nothing.

"Haymitch" I lifted my face meeting Johanna. I looked around looking for the others "Mrs. Everdeen has been taken along with a doctor to see Katniss. Annie and Milly are with Dr. Aurelius,"

"why?"

"until we have no further news. They only authorized me to come to the hospital" she half smiled humorless. "I heard from Katniss and Peeta. Have you heard anything new from Leila and Finnick?" I shook my head. "What a son of a bitch, bombing kids in their own mansion" I remained silent. Why would Snow do something as stupid as that? Attacking his own people was the final lunge to give us victory, why would he do something like that? "Do you think she knows?"

"I have no doubt."

"Mr. Abernathy?!" the nurse called out to me. I rushed over. "Miss Brightlock is out of surgery, the doctor is on his way to give her medical report" my heart started pounding and the feeling of nausea was increasing. In the distance I saw a doctor coming in smiling from ear to ear.

"I guess you guys are waiting for news of our dear Leila" the doctor chuckled. I took another deep breath. "Well, she has received a few scratches here and there but nothing serious and nothing we won't be able to erase."

"Then why was she in surgery?" barked Johanna.

"How impatient. I was getting to that. She only got a gunshot but the good news is that it didn't compromise any vital organs" then he faked a grimace of regret '"and the bad news is that we couldn't do anything for the unborn baby."

"What unborn baby?" I mumbled.

"Oh! our dear Leila was pregnant, by the size I would say 6 weeks" Leila was pregnant? she was expecting a child "But you don't have to worry, the scar that will remain is almost invisible, maybe in a few months with another intervention we can make it disappear completely, and it will be as if nothing had happened" he smiled again. Right there I lost it.

My fist smashed straight into his face taking away his fucking smile, he fell on his back. I lunged at him wrapping my hands around his neck. If I choked him long enough, he could 'pretend nothing happened'. The screams around me I couldn't hear, I could only feel a satisfaction in seeing the life of this asshole leave his body.

Some soldiers stood in my way preventing me from continuing with my goal. They took me with them to an empty corridor. They injected me with I don't know what and handcuffed me to the chair. No tears came out of my eyes, Snow had taken everything from me again, I became numb. Or at least I was going to be as soon as I was released from here. How long had it been, a minute, hours?

"What a great show you put on, Haymitch" Johanna mocked angrily.

"Shut up" she sat down next to me. "get the hell out"

"Since you almost killed 'doctor smiles' and we couldn't find out more about Leila's condition, I had to talk to the other doctor. Are you interested to know?"

"I think it's all said and done, isn't it?"

"no." Johanna snorted "you really screwed up and you know what? I can't even be upset, because I would have done the same" I looked at her without understanding "your actions reached the ears of up there and therefore the shrink; Milly from now on will be under their custody and for the time being, you are banned from visits, in case you are cared"

"maybe it's for the best"

"Are you listening to yourself? Have you forgotten how bad she's had it these days without hearing from her sister and you were the only thing that connected her to her? Have you even thought about what state Leila is going to wake up in?" I didn't answer. Johanna took a frustrated breath "Finnick is out of surgery. Annie has been brought to the hospital of course. We've been able to talk a bit. Did you know she's pregnant? I asked her what contraceptive she used and she replied with the same stuff Leila used. Wasn't District 13 supposed to need to repopulate? well apparently it wasn't in their goals to give their residents an alternative" she laughed angrily '" motherfuckers".

" Isn't she happy?"

"Yes or she was, I think that's what she was raving about when Finnick left. She's terrified of being alone and well now Finnick" Johanna shut up.

"Is he alive?"

"Yes, barely. The next 24 hours are crucial. He has an amputated arm, his entire right side is fractured, several head contusions, internal injuries and almost total blood loss. It's almost a miracle he's still breathing" I saw Johanna's held back tears "he's strong, I know." She said more to herself than to me.

"What did you want to tell me about the doctor?" Johanna looked at me hiding her pain and looking at me with sorrow. " could it be worse?"

"It wasn't a common bullet that hit her. It was poison, the doctors are still studying the type but although it didn't affect any vital organ it did affect one" she looked at me sideways again "if you want more precision you will have to ask the doctor, I just repeat what I think I understood" I nodded encouraging her to continue "they removed a tube, you know it is part of the uterus and from what he said, it also received part of the poison, the thing is that'".

"Leila is not going to be able to have children in the future" I completed the sentence.

"They don't give much hope, she will have to have more tests, maybe undergo treatments or a new surgery, or I don't know, well, not even the doctors are sure it will work" I closed my eyes and swallowed saliva. That imperious desire for alcohol was consuming my body "are you ok?"

"I'm the one imprisoned here, Johanna. Go and accompany Annie" without another word Johanna left.

At night the soldiers released me and kicked me out of the hospital. One of the fucking benefits of being part of the leaders of the massacre was that I had immunity from my reprehensible acts against the capitol doctor.

By Coin's orders I was assigned a room, in none other than the presidential house. More than a reward it was a punishment, I was sure she knew what she was doing, the house was infested with his filthy stench. I searched every corner within my reach for as many bottles of liquor as I could.

I wanted to erase the image of that child in my mind. The son who would never have a chance to see the light of day, to run through the fields of a district that never knew peace. Why hadn't I been there, why hadn't I fought harder, done more, to protect Leila, to protect them both? Our son. The child who would never get to laugh, never get to scream, never get to need a father to guide him. That fragile creature, who had been lost in the shadows of war. I had failed. I had failed Leila and our unborn son.

I remembered how much Leila dreamed of starting her own family, now all that was an illusion, a dream that would never come true and I was responsible for it. I could never forgive myself for the damage I had caused her.

By the next morning I had finished Snow's exquisite stock of alcohol. Maybe being here did have an advantage.

On the third day I was taken along with the president, Plutarch and who knows who else back to the hospital. Plutarch had informed me that Katniss and Peeta had been allowed visitors as of today. "They'll be happy to see me" I slurred my words in a growl.

"Haymitch" Plutarch stopped me before I entered the hospital. The president and her entourage entered without looking back.

"What now? You just remembered that I'm banned from entering."

"that matter is already settled. The hospital staff understood the pressure you were under."

"yay me!" I took a swig from my bottle "but that's not what you stopped me for".

"no, of course. The president is visiting Katniss and she has wanted me or rather...The president has suggested that in this difficult time your duty is to accompany Katniss and Peeta, until their full recovery."

"what she means is that she wants me away from her business now that she doesn't need me" I scoffed "tell me something, Coin is unsatisfied that the Mockingjay is still alive, right?"

"Everyone's safety is the president's primary concern" Plutarch replied with the polite smile I've known for years.

"and right now she's making sure Katniss isn't a problem down the road, right?" he didn't answer and that's all I need to know. "Well, let's not piss off Madam President." In light of the fact that Katniss is going to get the honors of her visit, I went to Peeta.

I approached his bedside, his face partially bandaged. Machines attached to his body while he seemed to sleep peacefully. At least the drugs were working.

"Haymitch" he mumbled slowly, opening his eyes.

"hey kid, try to rest" his eyes filled with tears.

"Katniss" he whispered

"she's" okay? I couldn't lie to him "in another room, recovering"

"Prim is dead" I didn't know if he was asking me or just confirming it, I just could nod. Tears rolled from his eyes "don't leave her..." he pleaded with me before falling unconscious again. I took another swig from my bottle.

When the nurse came in to clean him up I left the room to give him some privacy. I wandered down the halls until I reached Leila's room. I looked out the window, she seemed to be sleeping.

"She's sedated," said a nurse behind me, before entering the room.

"Until you finally show up" I turned around to find Johanna.

"You're still here?"

"the ideal place for me, surrounded by good drugs and broken friends" she rolled her eyes "it's not like I really have anywhere to go anyway, what about you?"

"I wasn't allowed to come" I excused myself poorly "how is she?"

"What do you think?" she said sarcastically. I looked down, what a stupid question "bad but she tries to hide it, sometimes she pretends, you know, like only she knows how to do it. But as soon as she is alone she cries. The doctor has decided to sedate her to help her rest."

"has she asked for me?"

"no" of course not, everything that had happened was my fault. They killed our son because of me "but don't take it personally, neither for Milly and I think if I didn't impose my presence she wouldn't want me there with her either"

"Why? Milly has nothing…"

"nothing to do with it, I know, but I told you she's not well. The shrink says she needs time to do her grieving" Johanna shrugged. "She just asked about Finnick. Apparently at some point the group split up, and Leila finished the journey together with Finnick" I'd been so drunk these past few days that I'd completely forgotten about Finnick.

" Is he alive?"

"Yes and awake since yesterday" Johanna looked worried "can I ask you for something?" it was strange that she wanted something from me

"Yes, I guess so."

"could you go see him"

"Finnick?" she nodded "is something wrong?"

"he's been in a mess crying since he woke up. I've told Annie to refrain from giving him any information until he gets better but you know the nurses here haven't stopped gossiping."

"What's it got to do with me?"

"he feels guilty. Because of you and Leila" I averted my gaze drinking from my bottle "You and I both know it's not his fault" I nodded without adding anything else.

I went straight to Finnick's room. Annie was sitting next to him humming softly to a song. I could hear Finnick's choked sobs. His leg was suspended slightly and wrapped in casts. Her entire upper half was covered in bandages. I cleared my throat. Annie turned, looking in my direction and giving me a better view of Finnick's missing arm.

"Haymitch, hi," Annie said. Finnick snapped his eyes open. Red, filled with tears.

"Hey" I didn't know what else to say. The image of the handsome, flirtatious young man had disappeared and in his place was a fragmented boy.

"Haymitch I.." started to say Finnick, I raised my hand shushing him.

"Don't say it, it wasn't your fault. Are they treating you well?" he nodded and his face contracted.

"I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be alive."

"hush Finnick don't say that" Annie's voice cracked.

"listen to her"

"no" he denied "you don't understand, if it hadn't been for Leila I...Haymitch I'm so sorry, if I had been stronger, she wouldn't have"

"stop it Finnick" I said more in a plea than a command.

"I owe her my life"

"I doubt she sees it that way" a heavy silence fell in the room.

"ever since she arrived, she was so disturbed and scared" Finnick muttered "she should never have been there"

"None of you should have been there" I corrected him. I was getting ready to leave but Finnick's voice stopped me.

"Was it worth it?" I didn't answer "I heard Prim died, Katniss and Peeta are in the burn unit" he omitted to name Leila again and himself, the aftermath we already knew "Snow is imprisoned in his own mansion, I can't stop wondering if all this was really worth it" Not for me.

"rest up boy, you still have some recovering to do".

The next few days or maybe weeks passed like a fog to me. I spent most of my time between Peeta and Katniss' rooms. But mostly with the girl. She was better company, she didn't talk, Aurelius had determined she was an avox by choice, pure bullshit, I called it being dead in life. Why live if everything you love is gone.

A retch made me roll on the bed and vomit on the floor. I stumbled over whatever garbage was on the floor looking to open the curtains. I took a look outside, and by the position of the sun it must be past noon. I cleaned myself up as best I could, grabbed another bottle and left my room for the hospital.

I hated this place, I hated it when it was inhabited by Snow and I hated it just as much now that Coin had taken it over.

"Mish!" the childish voice of Milly shook me awake. She ran up to me and hugged my legs, behind her a stern looking woman, accompanied by 3 other children of different ages, gave me a scathing look.

"Miss Brightlock, come back immediately!"

"I missed ya so much" I knelt down to be at her level. She wrapped her little hands around my neck. "you smell wike mommy used to" I felt a twinge of disgust at myself. I tried to pull away from her grip. "The doctow said my sister is siwck. Can I stay with ya?" she begged me.

"Milly it's complicated now."

"I prwomise I be good" her eyes filled with tears "I promise I be a good girwl, I won't complain and I'll let you sweep and...and" with a knot in my throat I shook my head. I had nothing good to offer and Milly was too little to understand that she was much better off away from me.

"Milly, I'm sorry but.." holding back her tears, she walked away from me. Without another glance back she returned with the woman. I stood there as I watched her leave.


*original dialogue from Mockingjay