Chapter 15 - Deliver me to safety

Livia.

Yes?

Get out. Please.

So… are we doing this? Now?

Yeah. Let's give it a try.

Tiefling stood. They both focused. There was no movement… And then, like a ghost, though material, a human, shorter and not as skinny as tiefling, stepped out of the girl.

"Hi."

"Hi."

It was like… seeing a lost family member, sort of.

"You are truly so beautiful, Livia." The girl said.

Livia regarded her. She was as she appeared in their mind. Human. Pale, white skin. Brown straight hair, rounded ears, brown eyes, sense of… tiredness. Like she lived a thousand years, though by all accounts she was younger than Livia herself. Livia managed to gather, that before she ended up on the Nautiloid, she herself was about fifty-something. No age for a tiefling… with something else mixed in… at all. Young. This was… But a child. But she felt old like Jaheira, that's what the look on her said. Exhausted to death.

"I just…"

"You need to be alone. I get it." They would come back to the body and then embrace, like sisters. For now…

The human whose eyes were ancient, needed to be alone.

Livia took a deep breath and recalled the last sensations they experienced… as one. After Alfira… The other hid, that she wanted mostly to never sleep in that camp ever again.

They wore the cape they received. She told herself she deserved a good weapon, that made her invisible in combat because she sooner she defeated the enemies, the closer she was to the cure. But the other one influenced her like it was… well… herself. Urges that felt dark and familiar mixed with completely new sensations, that were obviously unpracticed. She constantly was falling back on the other one's different instincts, and it honestly didn't matter Faerún wasn't her ground. She had an insanely extensive mind and seemed to be especially educated when it came to… emotions? Mental structures? How… slavery could hurt you? And she wasn't judgmental. She could detect no memories of murder, or horrific deeds, but this one acted as if she had no moral high ground over absolutely anyone, ever. She insisted they wear the cape - to remember what happened.

As if she could forget.

This felt weird. She had a vague sensation that before the Nautiloid, this would not have bothered her, the murder of the bard girl. And yet locked as she was in this body with the other mind, she felt the weight of it, understood what was destroyed there.

A human and a tiefling. She could feel and understand, and didn't need to ask, why Ana asked her to leave her alone. What the girl felt right now after speaking to Astarion was nigh unbearable.

Normally… her closest idea of… kindness… would be to ask: "Do you want me to slit his gullet for you? He was mean. He made you sad. I can make him pay." But now she was long past that, developed much beyond sympathy so blunt and simple. And she understood more. "Do you think…" She wasn't sure how to ask.

"What?"

"Do you think… he needs someone to talk to him? I could go to his tent, you know, check on him." Was this… what the human wanted? For someone to comfort Astarion, as she herself couldn't do it, steeped in despair as she was?

"I… don't think he is there. And I think he shouldn't be searched for that night. Just… Leave him alone."

Livia nodded, relying on the other woman's experience.

"Some things…" Ana started and winced as she tried to get up: "It's not that we're ashamed of them. But we still cannot stand others to see."

"We shouldn't have fed him tonight" Livia muttered, still trying to do something, anything, to cheer the other one up.

Livia thought she hit the roof on learning after a single week with this good-doer. After two, constantly in unfamiliar mind structures, she was starting to see the world… differently. And after two months… Was it only weeks ago they saved the grove?

Was it only few weeks ago, she slept with Astarion for the first time? It was fun. It was harmless and just sex. The pleasure she experienced second-hand, when she starting kissing him and Ana sort of… took over… if she didn't disappear… that was insane. And frightening and alien to Livia, so she just, sat back… let Ana do it and enjoyed the second-hand from the safety of knowledge, it wasn't her emotions and experiences, she only was a passenger, and this way she could take them. If she were to be the one feeling them? Fuck no. This rapture wasn't worth the insane vulnerability, the nakedness it came with. It was a blade on your throat, in your throat, between your legs. Even as unexperienced with love and deep feelings like she was, this warning was so loud even she could see it from a mile away. Sure, probably made sex amazing, if the kissing was anything to go by. But if it was so amazing, why didn't Ana ask her to leave so she could fuck him alone? If it was so worth it, why didn't she kick her out straight up? She could. Or make her fall asleep, so she was alone with Astarion, in Livia's body? Ana kissed Astarion with reverence, it was… a revelation to see and feel, that lips could be kissed this way, that mixing breath could feel like this. And yet, when he lost his shit, and was roughly pushing her down like a mad man, she smoothly retreated back, leaving Livia with Astarion.

Astarion was weak and sort of stupid. Again, from a mile away she recognized someone who would not, and could not rule, no matter what he told himself. Gortash, from Ana's mind, would run circles around him with his mind and Orin, with her cruelty alone. When she first saw him, all she could think about was that… he would make such a pretty corpse. So, so pretty.

Warning Ana delivered to her then was subtle, and yet so strong, she didn't even dare to think about the elf in those terms again. Invite him to camp, just like Shadowheart and there will be others, she instructed. Again, the mind that normally she couldn't even feel, that took so little space and weight she felt… like herself. Without memories, but herself, ordered her gently, but she listened automatically. She recalled them talking. Ana directed her where "elf" would be, damn her. But she didn't warn he wasn't quite as helpless, as he appeared, when he asked one of the two women if she can kill one of those brain-thingies. On the other hand…

To fall for the oldest trick in the book…

A man… in front of two (three) women presenting himself as if he cannot kill something that barely reaches his ankles… Surely he is genuine, because this is so fucking embarrassing, so let's kill this thing for him, or watch it kill him and goooo.

Wait, this is the elf?! To invite to camp!?

He just tried to slit our throat!

The other presence in her mind chortled without mirth.

I am glad you approve of him, too.

Well, Livia thought then… Damn straight I do!

She was not impressed though, he was weak and not very smart, she thought at the time. She came back to the surface from her memories of meeting Astarion, when Ana responded.

"Of course we should have. He was hungry."

Livia was desperately running out of ideas on the right things to say.

"We're not feeding him tonight" she muttered quietly thinking about the next night, unsure if this was the right response.

"No, not today. But tomorrow - yes."

"Why?"

"Because he didn't choose to be hungry any more than you chose to kill Alfira, and I hate the sensation of hunger in others."

"I don't get it. You're empathic to the point that you can literally feel, with help of tadpoles, everyone's emotions all the time around you. A skill you insist you had, before you ever showed up here. And you're so good at this you can turn this off - I witnessed you turning it off before battle and when making choices! Why can't you just…"

"Stop feeling it?"

Livia nodded.

"Because I don't need to feel him or his hunger to know he is hungry. Empathy is not necessary where there is knowledge. Me feeling it, being exposed to, won't change the fact. He is hungry. Issue isn't that I can feel it, issue is he is suffering from something. He has an endless pit in his stomach, gnawing constantly. And no one else in the camp can comfortably, safely, feed him without feeling weird. Karlach would burn him, Gale is apparently disgusting, Wyll is scared of him. Lae'zel would be insulted. We're the only ones left. And we're so strong, you don't even feel that blood missing, Livia."

That was true. The results of weakening were negligible.

What about Halsin then? Mizora? Volo? The fucking owlbear cub?

What does it matter that he is hungry? WHO GIVES A SHIT?

"And what does it matter if you are?" Ana read her face.

"Should I take over and take control and not eat, just for one fucking day?"

"I don't understand why you insist on feeding him every night! He doesn't do anything to grant it, you feed him even if he is mean! This is the first night since we started feeding him you won't go to him! And I am quite sure it's also because he doesn't want to see anyone!"

"Livia…"

The woman took her hands in her own. They looked into each other's eyes.

"Look at me, please." Livia looked, and… took… warmth and comfort? From them holding hands? Alien sensations, all the time, every day a new one.

"I think… he is hungry every four hours for approximately seven ounces of blood. We give him two, every twenty four hours. He is starving. Yes, he drinks some bad guys. Yes, he was subsisting on rats before. You've been in me, you know I can't stand it, same way it would chafe me, if Gale walked thirsty, same way it chafes me what is happening with Karlach."

"Same way I am scared for you." She finished.

"You mean of me."

"No. For you. I see the darkness of the urge in us. And it's intense. It's so dark. I see the ease you wield a blade with, and I touch your mind and I do not find structures that would reassure me you're not a psycho. You are… in many places, simply, not normal. In a way that means you never stood a chance against those urges before. My presence teaches you. But we don't know why we are together in this body, why I was catapulted here and I am scared I might be ejected out at any moment."

Suddenly, Ana squeezed Livia's hands.

Their minds connected, seamlessly.

Promise me.

What? But she could already tell the shape of the request in the woman's mind, also her own.

Uugh, seriously…

Really? You could ask me to travel, and defeat the source of the cult, but if you can ask me for only one thing, this is what you're asking for?

Yes.

Fine.

Thank you. In case I am not there, listen: don't take him with you. Leave him behind. In this fight, he is a liability only. Stop by the cells that are present right before Cazador is there, and speak to who is inside. Both sides, both cells. Let him see who is inside. Once you killed Cazador, he will be back resting in the coffin, ready to regenerate. At this point, leave and go get Astarion, and come back with him. Let him do the killing. Let Astarion complete the ritual or not, but make sure he doesn't die and Cazador doesn't survive. Nothing else matters.

Complete the ritual or not… Doesn't matter? You mean… He will learn about the 7000 souls and he will still want to complete the ritual!? Livia shouted.

Yes.

What a fucking monster. Livia thought, disgusted.

It wasn't just the cost it was that to her eyes, the Rite was for Cazador, by Mephisto. Had Cazador completed it, he would get his money's worth. If it's Astarion… No. Ascended Astarion is swindled in this completely…

But Ana spoke in her mind again: If he can be swayed from it - good. Try to sway him away from completing it. If not… I prefer him alive, and Cazador dead, and him alive. Try to sway him if you can, but his life, and that he stays in the party, is what matters most.

How do you know this? What happened last time?

Did this once before, Ana swallowed heavily. Without you. It was… different.

Were you… in your body…?

Ana swallowed again. No. The deal that is happening now between us, and Withers… never happened before. The way I feel towards Astarion… has not happened before.

Things are… different this time around. You are the biggest difference, not Astarion. Your… urge. And I cannot control what happens when I sleep. If I sleep and wake up with extra knowledge, I don't know how it happened. You don't know how it happened. But I know what matters to me.

Livia conceded.

I will do whatever I can.

But if he completes the ritual, I am not fucking him ever again.

Ana nodded. He wants such complete subjugation, you would've been rightly offended. And now, you're offended by his stupidity, and the sacrifice he makes for power. You changed, Livia.

I have.

And?

What does it feel like… to be sort of a goody two shoes?

It's not so bad, Livia conceded. It… is not being good. We're still… quite evil, aren't we? We just operate from another perspective. It's not true good and evil are just perspectives -they are, even there, there are dimensions within.

Exactly. Emperor doesn't get that exactly, actually.

Interesting, Livia responded.

So… I can help him complete the ritual, without wanting to kill him immediately after. But I won't be swayed into respecting him.

Good girl. Be on guard he behaves. He is so arrogant and stupid, he reaches being delusional about his own power. Be ready to rein him in, should it be necessary. He cannot wield the Absolute.

The dawn hurt on his eyes, but he felt strangely better. Almost… empty. A dried up pea pod.

Now that he was done sobbing, and slobbering all over himself, he was slowly coming back to. The device ran out of magic and no longer glowed blue, no matter how much he pressed it.

And the first thing that occurred to him was what she said before she left: I kept listening to this song all the time, for myself.

So much for his ability to spot victims of rape.

But she was… so different. Livia was so bold, so lewd… So used to sex as fun…

Aaah, and there lies the crux of the matter, doesn't it? Two minds in one body. Which one did you sleep with? How exactly did it work, where was the boundary? Livia? Liviana? Ana? If there was one set of body language and two minds, the responses would not be keeping to the framework he was used to. And he doubted he would get any answers after the shouting match he subjected her to, yesterday.

He was thinking, how to approach her, what to say… How could he apologize, if he could. For… more than one thing. Two things, exactly. If she would let him.

Suddenly, a voice spoke in his mind.

Astarion.

Yes?

You're thinking at me. I am trying to sleep.

Shit. Sorry. I didn't realize a connection can happen like that.

Me neither.

Usually our minds connect when we're in the same physical location… but I am not in the camp.

I know.

How do you know.

I always see glimpses of thoughts, visual your eyes see for a split second, just like you see glimpses of mine, when you connect minds. Same effect applies for me to the other one, Livia.

So… You're not asleep then?

Irritation flowed at him.

No. Trying hard as I might.

Maybe… Maybe you could join me. And we could talk. I am not far.

He felt her swallow, and consider the offer, and he realized his palms were… sweaty.

You need to come back here, if you want to talk.

Shit. He would've preferred their conversation without any extra ears in the fifty mile radius, but he was happy she would speak with him nonetheless.

It's not because I don't want privacy for this conversation. It's because…

Doubt. Being… unsure… what to say, how much to say… through mind connection speech was telegraphed so differently, it was so much richer, so much deeper.

Without Livia, I am… quite weak. The conversation we had was not easy for me, and I just… don't want to do the walk, and you're further away from the camp than you think.

In that case, I will be right there.

No, wait.

Her mind indicated something else consumed her attention. Withers approached her, she shared the image with him of the Bone Man, coming over out of fucking nowhere now, and then, she came back after a second. He gave me a single use scroll. Sit right there.

You want something to drink? Eat?

Astarion felt like shit she thought to ask. Your throat, he thought, but the thought was directed only at himself. Yeah, maybe some wine and water would be good.

I will be right there.

There he saw her for the first time. Initially he thought his mind played tricks on him, as they kept the mental connection despite the distance, so he could feel her moving, activating the scroll, and saw the silhouette about 50 feet away she had to walk to him. And this… was a stranger. But the mind connection was there the whole time, so there could be no doubt.

The woman looked young, but she walked like someone who lived a thousand years. Stiff hips and hurting back, no grace whatsoever.

But her face and body… Were young.

He was so used to his blue haired tiefling, with her pale blue skin, later darkened with black veins of ceremorphosis, but before that, orange eyes blazing on black corneas, he for a moment forgot himself.

Even though it was hard to describe her as objectively beautiful, she drew him like a magnet. Objectively: nothing special. A human, nothing else included in the mix. White corneas, no magic, nothing like that. Average figure, though really curved waist and hips in a beautiful sharp line. Bust, shoulders, legs proportionally built. She would fit so exactly, he could kiss her forehead without lowering his head, she was so short.

This was not one of those loud obnoxious beauties of huge lips and striking makeup. There was no makeup, no dress, no hair done. But the hair… Oh it was luxurious, straight, even brown, reaching the small of her back. Almost exactly the same shade as her eyes - apple seed. Alabaster skin, tired, swollen face, signs of premature aging. Uneven skin on the face, genuinely whiter than his, rounded, even features, calm expression on that face.

He realized… he was nervous. His heart would be pounding.

The hair was beautiful… But he could still coldly tell: it should be much, much thicker. She is either ill, on substances or something else like that. This is not… a healthy human, he thought suddenly. Was it the events of Faerún and all this insanity, being in Livia, being in Faerún, that exhausted her so? Must be. The dark skin under her eyes alone… And yet as he inhaled she smelled… utterly delicious. His heart would be pounding, he thought again.

She looked up from the walk at him, their eyes met.

Oh gods.

Those eyes were ancient. Thousand years old at thirty. And… the sheer willpower and calm mirth behind those eyes alone... The air of gentle sarcasm. The faint impression of warmth and kindness, but not to be mistaken for weakness, like in Jaheira. But that's where the similarity to Jaheira ended. And so, so different from Livia! Much more subtle, and soft and warm in the way she carried herself, but… as he looked closer… It was a hidden dagger in a gloved hand, not a court's puddle. That much colder, that she would stab you without a word, looking into your eyes to the last moment, until lights went out. Without sadism. But because murder ordered being there, for what you did. And murder she would, if she exhausted all other options her mind strategically came up with.

She walked to him slowly, as if her back was really giving her problems, wine and water in hand. She stopped in front of him and allowed him to look up close. Maybe thirty years old? Old twenty five? Young thirty five?

"So.

How is the judgement presenting."

That voice!

He stopped the shudder going through him, going for collected.

You're… magnetic, he thought but didn't say it. He could suddenly see, without any issue, what her connection to the song was. He himself always liked everything, but preferred men… just a bit more than women, but women like this one drew even him, like Jaheira. Isobel was another good example, though the candy sweetness of this one put him off.

There was no rule to them, at least not outwardly. They could be halflings, dwarves, humans, elves, orcs. What they had in common was some kind of… magnetism. Just… something about them. These women… he could almost understand how others desired him. It was nuts, but then he noticed he wasn't the only one reacting like that, and it clicked for him what it really was. It was innocence and goodness, somehow telegraphed. Even experienced and able to defend themselves, even then, they stood out to a specific kind of people.

There were… people. Women, men, girls, boys, children. Who… just… They stood out to those who enjoyed rape, and abuse, and mental violence, above anything else. Humanoid predators for whom other humans were prey, singled them out without a doubt, like sharks smelling blood in water. This happened if someone was raped before, Astarion knew. You gained this dubious highlight on yourself, if you were raped, and he was even easier spotted after his first few years in slavery. But he saw healthy children, boys and girls, who were clearly never abused… and yet they commanded attention of some very select adults.

These women… These people. Even in shitty clothes they drew attention of men. Or… those women. Even standing next to women, who were objectively more beautiful as the current fashions proclaimed, they drew men. They could be fat, they could have aging face, sagging cheeks, could be five year old kids. And still… It took him a few years to put this puzzle together. Initially he thought it was just kids, then he learned maybe just beautiful magnetic peoples. Then he thought: they were previously victims of rape. And then he realized… No, it's not like this either. It's… something else about them.

He wasn't drawn to her like a rapist, he didn't wish to hurt her, see her subjugated. He felt like… he could fall in love, same as with these people he met over the years. A sense of wonder, beauty… That this is someone kind, someone true, a stranger you can give your infant to, your life's savings and you will get those back, intact. Some people… when they beheld that inner light… wanted only to corrupt that.

He could completely see this creature, as a child, as a teenager… attracting all sorts of stares. Yes. She knew. She… knew.

"You're sort of tired looking, but it's no wonder if my thoughts kept you awake."

"No, I couldn't hear you the entire night."

Dear gods below and above, thank you so much, soooo much for that. Astarion felt suddenly inspired for the first time in centuries to maybe… do an offering to some friendly shrine. He didn't even know when the connection was established, how much she heard.

"Nothing. I don't make a habit of spying on people's thoughts." He raised his eyebrows and kept them up at her, as she handed him the bottles.

Now she looked at him. There was a subtle threat in that gaze she didn't even seem aware to be making, that suddenly made him think: of these two sharing a body, this one is more dangerous, instincts of a slave said. And the other one was a fucking mystery murder maniac with uncontrollable urges.

How though!?

Why was this his sensation present? She was objectively weaker, she had nothing!

"No, I am not reading your mind, I don't have to. I usually don't have to. -She spoke. It's obvious where your thoughts are going, the conversation is streamlined and you're not a complete stranger. I can somewhat see your responses. So no. I was awake for until dawn, and only once light started to break, my eyes finally closed. And I was almost asleep, when I felt you… thinking at me? Don't get me wrong, I still have a good sense, what you were thinking about, but you were the one who initiated the contact, not me. My only fault is that my mind wasn't protected, I was distracted, so you slipped in."

"I want to apologize." She sat down next to him, groaned at her bones. Wasn't looking at him.

Suddenly, now that they were physically next to each other again… he felt… different. He recalled his rage from yesterday. His lust before the rage, the sweet, sweet blood dripping down this throat, gentle swallows. The smell of the throat… the view of the veins in the throat… Calling like a siren's song… The overall heat this creature- or the two of them - caused in him, despite everything. Was this the woman, whose lust he smelled…? He couldn't confirm.

Fuck.

Just in case he was still all over the place, he locked his mind tight.

And now I have my answer, if one of them makes me react. She makes me react like a fucking mythical Resonance Stone, which by the way we picked up yesterday... She sits next to me, and just like that… His emotions were heightened. Everything was… more intense. He just felt the same stuff, but… much closer to the surface. This. So we kissed, we made out… but we never had sex. She is responsible. I lose my mind like a lad when we kiss, but she leaves me and tiefling alone, before I enter her.

Buuuut… This is the smell. Yes. The throat. This, this is somehow the throat I was feeding from, for sure.

"Astarion, vampire spawn. Pleasure minding you. Sorry, meeting you." He said eventually, struggling to look composed and measured, scrawling for purchase.

She looked at him and smiled and waved. Said nothing.

Didn't Vlaakith get the same treatment from Liviana? Godsdamnit.

"I… want to apologize."

"It's fine."

"I… still want to apologize."

The woman wasn't looking at him. Her eyes were fixed on the east and the slowly rising sun. She barely acknowledged him. She made the impression she came here, because he didn't let her fucking sleep. Shit.

"I… didn't think… That... When I was freshly tadpoled all I could think about was securing my place in the camp."

Technically, he didn't sleep with her. But this… this was like a lanceboard. What will she say? Come on, come on, reveal your hand, he thought. And realized instantly, he learned a lot in the past weeks.

"I didn't think… the person I would be having sex with… Would be also a victim of abuse… who later reclaimed themselves. The thought simply never occurred to me."

Her lips thinned, but she didn't look at him even then.

What will she say, what will she say?

"This is why I judged you negatively. Because it didn't occur to you… though... it should have. I was, of course, wrong about you. I utterly underestimated Cazador's compulsion. It is… my mistake to see room for maneuvering where others don't, and I am used to others not seeing, that there were things they could've done, so I kept thinking there must have been something. Now I know I was right.

You could've died. And you decided to live. You were… focused on survival, you still are. Survival changes how we think, we… generalize about the others. I was wrong about you. I offended you greatly yesterday, so we're even. It's all fine."

Goddamnit. She confirmed, she spoke and yet she… revealed actually nothing. All real information he had, was still only on the murderous tiefling.

She suddenly breathed and rolled her shoulders, as if they were stiff. Without looking at him once, she fluently got up and moved to leave back to the camp.

"I shall head back. See you there."

He nodded, though she wasn't even looking at him, but it was obvious she didn't care.

Wasn't she… moving with difficulty before? No. This creature moved even more… fluently than the tiefling with her hammer lack of subtlety, and happy stomping on the ground, every step a happy claim on life and land she was exploring. This was someone… like a rogue. She could wear stilettos and not make a single sound. She controlled her hips and feet in a way that made movement fluid, graceful… and silent. And it wasn't natural, it was a choice. At the moment she didn't care she made sounds, as her boots crashed the leaves. Again, he gained almost nothing from observation. But he had to know more.