Chapter 18. Believe

Content warning: Contains some sexual content.


She should have stopped Bucky from leaving, but Hope just listened as he went downstairs, then she heard the front door open and close. If she had moved to the window at that moment, then she would have seen him walk away without looking back but she didn't. When her mother came up the stairs alone Hope knew for certain that he left, feeling only numb at that moment.

"Want to talk?" asked Joyce. No answer from her daughter who just stood in the centre of the bedroom. "Okay. What are you planning to do about whatever happened?"

There was more silence for several long moments.

"Nothing."

"Hope, you're just going to say and do nothing?"

"Yup. He went behind my back, not just seeking out what Adam was up to but also Kane."

"What?"

"Kane's in prison."

"Thank God for that," huffed Joyce. "You're mad at Bucky for finding out about Kane?" Hope still stood there. "Oh, I get it. You're mad that he didn't tell you."

"I didn't ask him to do any of that."

"And you're mad that he did."

"Mom, what else has he done that he hasn't told me about? Did he hunt down Rafe as well, and raise him up by the throat with his left hand? You were mean to my girlfriend in college. Bad boy. Did he go looking for Jack and throw him off a building for breaking up with me by letter?"

"Don't be st..." Joyce bit her tongue.

"Don't be stupid. That's what you were going to say, isn't it? You think I'm being stupid."

"I didn't say that."

"You almost did."

Joyce breathed out, silently counting to 10 before speaking. "Yes, I almost did because for a moment there I was falling back into my old bad habit of ignoring the subtext." Hope stared blandly at her mother, deliberately choosing to appear ignorant. "You're doing it, too." She approached her daughter, who stepped back defensively as Joyce extended her hand towards Hope's cheek. "I love you. The last six months with you here have been everything I ever wanted in a relationship with my daughter. So, I'm going to be honest, and blunt. You're being a bitch right now." The eye roll from Hope was almost audible. "I get it. Bucky went behind your back. Well guess what? It's what he does, just like other men do on occasion. He was born in 1917, for crying out loud and became a man during a time when men were completely responsible for the women in their lives. Not just looking after them physically, but financially, emotionally, the whole thing because women didn't have the rights then that they have now. It was a responsibility that expected him to be a good husband, father, provider, partner ... the whole damn thing but it was denied to him by war and HYDRA. He's trying to adjust to life in this century and he's doing a pretty good job of it. You told me this morning that he's a very good boyfriend. You think of how much he tries to be thoughtful, helpful and loving towards you, and then tell me that a big part of you doesn't like it." Hope remained silent. "You can't, can you? He's the total package, a man who accepts that a relationship is all in. He may have kept some things from you, but he did still tell you, didn't he? Just on his terms and not on yours."

"But Mom ..." Joyce could see in the dim light that Hope's mouth was trembling. "What else is he keeping from me? If he isn't telling me everything ..."

"Why would you want that?" Joyce ran her hands down her daughter's arms. "There's honesty and there's too much information. You think your dad and I told each other everything? Some things are need to know." She swallowed. "Just after we got married, I didn't tell your dad about an old boyfriend that wouldn't stop showing up when he was out, because I knew that he would confront him and get into a fight and get the crap beat out of him."

"Really?"

"Really. I called my brother instead, who was six inches taller than the old boyfriend and made it very clear that if he ever showed his face around me again that he'd end up in hospital. Your dad never told me about getting a second job when I got pregnant with Bobby. It was to build up a nest egg so we could put a down payment on this place as we didn't have enough money. For six months, he said he was either picking up overtime at work or going for drinks with his co-workers. His sister told me the truth when I complained about never seeing him. I thought he was being selfish."

"But Mom..."

"No buts. Read The Gift of the Magi by O. Henry. It's about a young couple who don't have enough money to buy each other a gift for Christmas so she cuts her hair on Christmas Eve day to get the money to buy him a fob chain to go with his gold pocket watch. When he gets home that evening, he's shocked that her hair is gone, then she gives him her gift and he admits that he sold his watch to buy her a set of combs for her hair which she can't use anymore because she cut it off. It's one of the most ironic stories ever written but it's also one of the most precious because they hid the truth from each other so that they could do something wonderful for their spouse with their sacrifices. Let some things be a mystery and accept that he loves you so much he wanted to make sure those two men would never be able to hurt you again." She gazed at Hope, fighting back the tears that threatened to make them both cry. "Accept that he loves you more than anyone else in the world."

Hope sobbed, placing her head on Joyce's shoulder. The older woman held her daughter close, hugging her firmly. After several minutes of mutual crying, Hope gathered herself.

"He loves you, too, you know."

"I know. I've known that for some time. It wasn't hard to love him because he needed that so desperately. But he needs you like he needs air to breathe."

"I guess I should get over there," replied Hope. "I do love him, so much that it scares me sometimes."

"I know. Now go tell him that."

A few minutes later Hope was practically running towards Bucky's place. She unlocked the security door and went up the stairs to his floor, then stood outside the door, hesitating as she held the spare key in her hand. The door opened, because of course, Bucky heard her coming and she rushed into his arms with a cry.

"I'm sorry," she gasped. "I was so stupid. I had no right to be mad."

"No, it's okay. You were right. I should have told you sooner about Kane and I should have told you I was looking for Adam because I had the means to find him when the police couldn't or wouldn't..."

She planted her mouth on his, as he lifted her up, moving her legs to wrap around him. Pushing the door closed with his hip, Bucky pressed her against the wall in the small entryway, working her coat open with one hand while still kissing her and holding her up. Her coat ended up on the floor as Hope pulled at his shirt, trying to tug it over his head, then Bucky stopped kissing her and instead rested his forehead against hers, smiling and breathing heavily.

"Bedroom?" he asked.

"Yeah. Bedroom."

"You came back," he murmured as he carried her there.

"I always will," she replied, caressing his face. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

Lowering her onto the bed, Bucky pulled her boots off, tossing them behind him. While Hope undid and removed her jeans, he finished taking his shirt off, then undid his jeans, peeling them off, followed by his socks. Hope was down to her underwear, kneeling on the bed and holding her hands out to Bucky. Facing her, he placed his hands on her waist, gazing at her face.

"I was afraid I had blown it with you," he admitted.

She shook her head. "No, not even close. I just had to get off my high horse. It's hard to accept that you love me so much you would hunt down Kane and Adam."

"I wasn't going to hurt them. I don't hurt people anymore. But if they did hurt you I would." He closed his eyes and shook his head. "I'm not saying it right."

She raised herself onto her knees, aware of the heat coming from his body, feeling it through her fingertips as she brushed them against his chest.

"It's alright. I know what you mean. I love you so much that it scares me sometimes because the only thing I have to compare it to are the four men who broke my heart. You're not them."

They crushed their bodies together, their hands seeking a place to grasp and hold as they fell towards the bed. Grinding their hips into the other with low moans of desire and need, they writhed with abandon, seeking the perfect melding of their bodies. His hand met hers as they both tugged her panties over her hips, dragging them down her thighs to where they could be kicked off. His other hand struggled its way under her bra, pressing it up so that his mouth could latch on to her breasts, so sensitive that she gasped when he succeeded. As he pulled his mouth away, he reached for the drawer of the nightstand, his free hand plunging into it in search of a condom. Hope took the offending bra off, flinging it away then pulled the waistband of Bucky's underwear away from his body as he leaned over her. Tugging it down over his hips and thighs, it was clearly evident that his body was eager in anticipation of what was to come.

"Where are the condoms?" he whined, yanking the drawer completely out of its channel and spilling its contents to the floor, pawing through the odds and ends before looking back at Hope. "There are no condoms!"

He leaned towards the other nightstand, pulling the drawer out, searching but still not finding the protection that was needed for what they both wanted. With a groan he lifted himself away from her and rushed to the bathroom, the sounds of his search reaching her until he came back through the door, looking like a man desperately searching for water.

"We're out of condoms."

"No," she sat up. "I'm sure we just bought a new box. I know I must have at least two more."

Hope got up, hurrying past him to where her purse had been left on the floor, picking it up and bringing it into the bedroom where she frantically searched inside, then finally dumped out the contents onto the rumpled bedclothes. Unable to find one, she ran out again, pulling open all the kitchen cupboard doors, hoping that the box, that she was sure they bought recently, was just put in the wrong place. Eventually, she had to concede defeat that they were definitely out of condoms. She leaned against the counter, looking over to where Bucky leaned against the bedroom door frame, his once proud erection now less than half-mast.

The air between them was still electric but there was no doubt that they had only two choices. Keep going without a condom and run the risk of pregnancy, or one of them had to get dressed, go out into the cold night and find an open store that sold what they needed.

"We need more condoms," he murmured. "I'll get dressed and go get some."

"You know, I could always get an implant," she replied. "Then no condoms needed."

"That's playing with fire. Shuri said the serum makes my sperm very potent. She's not sure if any implant or the pill, or an IUD is enough to protect against pregnancy."

"I'd be willing to try it," she uttered, more to herself than to him, but he heard it and stiffened noticeably in the darkened space. "You're scared about getting me pregnant, aren't you?"

"Yeah," he replied, searching her face. "I'm not normal. There's a good chance a baby would inherit my physical abilities. That's a lot to put on a kid and a lot to put on their mother. I wouldn't do that to you."

"Even if I'm willing? I've seen how you smile at people with toddlers. Your face lights right up. Every time a little kid comes to you; you're engaged with them. You want to be a father."

"Wanting isn't the same as actually having a child. I remember looking after Rebecca when she was a baby, and I'm not worried about that part. I know times are different but that would be asking you to put your career on hold. Not to mention I'll be busy with school."

"Yeah, I get it, but what if I'm ready to have a baby and I still want you to be the father? Doesn't that count for anything?" He lowered his eyes and breathed out. "Bucky, I'm 35 in a month. I would like to have a child before I'm 40, possibly two." His jaw was set firmly, but she felt the emotion he was tamping down. "What is it? What's the real reason?"

Bucky turned away, not wanting to face her. But after the stupid fight they had earlier because he wasn't completely truthful with her, clamming up now would be just as stupid. Coming closer, Hope gently put her hand on his right shoulder, stroking it to soothe him. He turned back to face her.

"How can I protect him or her from people who would salivate at the prospect of a natural born super soldier?" His right hand came up to rest on his left shoulder, squeezing the black vibranium insert in a futile attempt to comfort himself. "It doesn't even have to be a remnant of HYDRA. It could be anyone, domestic, foreign, corporate ... they might come after the baby, and you could be tossed aside as collateral damage." He breathed out again, only this time it was hesitant and shaky. "If you have my child, they'll want it for themselves."

There, he said it, his greatest fear about being a father. Not actually being one but being unable to keep his family safe. For all of his physical abilities, how could he protect his family from someone determined enough to take them away from him? It was all there on his face, his fear just as visible in the darkened space as it would be in the middle of a sunny room.

"Bucky."

She wrapped her arms around him, bringing his head down to her shoulder so she could run a hand through his hair and massage the back of his neck, trying to relieve the tightness there from something that obviously had been bothering him for a long time. There were no words that could convince him otherwise because his reasoning was sound, it just wasn't something she had ever considered before. It must have kept him awake at times.

"Do you still want to make love?" He nodded, smiling slightly. "Alright. I'll clean up here while you go and restock our supply." She caressed his face. "Thank you for telling me."

He nodded, then disengaged himself from her arms, retreating into the bedroom. With the light on they could both see the mess on the floor from their flung clothing, the drawer contents and what had been in Hope's purse. She started there first, placing everything back inside. Bucky quickly dressed and kissed her, leaving the apartment. While he was gone, she continued to pick up the scattered drawer contents, then slid the drawers back into the nightstand. After remaking the bed, Hope found her robe, pulling it on and tying the belt together as she headed out to the kitchen, closing all the open cupboard doors. Alpine came out of her hiding place, meowing at her, so she picked the young cat up and stroked her back. They sat on the couch, waiting for the sound of Bucky's footsteps coming down the hall.

After more than a half hour of waiting, Hope's phone rang. The call display was Bucky's number, and she answered it, puzzled as to why he was phoning when he should have been home already.

"Hope?" She answered him then heard a sigh. "I'm at a police station." He said the next sentence right away. "I'm not in trouble but I got involved in something and they need me here to file a statement. I don't know how long it will take. You might as well go to bed."

"What happened?"

"I can't tell you right now. They only gave me a couple of minutes to let you know that I would be delayed. I'll tell you everything when I get back. I'm sorry."

"Okay. You promise that you're not in trouble? I don't have to phone a lawyer?"

"No, I don't need a lawyer. It will be okay. Go to bed."

Hope hung up, looked at the cat, then prepared to stand up, allowing Alpine to jump down to the floor. That's when she saw it, a box peeking out from under the coffee table. Reaching over, she gave out a short, sharp laugh and pulled the condom box out, then looked at the cat.

"Did you do that? Did you knock it to the floor then under the table?"

Alpine looked placidly at her, licking her paws and rubbing her ears as if it was the most normal thing in the world for a cat to have knocked a box of condoms underneath something. With a sigh, Hope put the condoms on the kitchen island, turned off the lights except for the one over the range hood, and went to the bedroom. What a weird night this had been. What had happened to Bucky that he had to stay at a police station? Taking her robe off, she considered putting on some sleep shorts and a T-shirt then decided to sleep in the nude. It would be a nice surprise for Bucky when he did get back. Slipping between the sheets she turned off the light and pulled the covers over her shoulders. Surprisingly, after all the drama of the evening, she fell asleep within 10 minutes.

After Bucky hung up on his end, he pocketed his cell phone and sat back in the chair, waiting for the detective in charge of the investigation to call for him. He ran his left hand over his face, suddenly tired. Then he went over what happened after he left his apartment, wanting to make sure he didn't forget anything.

The bodega nearest his place was closed, the door locked, and lights turned off, so he kept walking to the next one, several blocks away. As he approached it, he could feel the hairs on the back of his neck tingle, as if there was something wrong. The lights in the bodega didn't seem to be working right; they were flashing on and off sporadically. When he looked in the window, he didn't see anyone at the counter. Testing the door, it opened to his touch, and he entered carefully.

"Hello?" he called out. "Is anyone here? Your door was open."

That was when the lights flashed quickly, and he heard a moan. Following the sound, he found a man, pressed against the wall in the back room, touching the light controls for the front. He had been shot. Pulling his phone out, Bucky called 911, requesting police and an ambulance, then with the emergency operator online he approached the man, asking him questions and relaying to the lady on the other end what the man was able to say. The man's wound was quite bloody, so Bucky went quickly to where the feminine hygiene pads were, saying it out loud as he did it that he was getting some to staunch the blood flow. Using duct tape, he taped several of the thickest maxi pads over the wound then pressed on it for good measure, all while calling out to the man, trying to keep him responding. Police arrived first, coming to him with their guns drawn and asking him to raise his hands.

"If I do, he'll bleed," said Bucky. "I found him like this." He looked up at the security camera. "You can check. I'm the one who called for help."

As the one cop kept his gun on him the other went to the security display behind the till and brought up the footage, confirming Bucky's story. Satisfied, both cops holstered their weapons then took over from Bucky as he waited near the front of the bodega for the ambulance. When it arrived, he directed the paramedics to the back room where they began treating the man. Unfortunately, the man coded within moments of them taking over. Their efforts brought him back, but he was still in rough shape when they loaded him into the ambulance. It was an attempted murder investigation for now, and Bucky had to go to the station to be questioned and file a statement. That's where he phoned Hope and was now waiting to be questioned.

"James Barnes?" said a voice. Bucky looked up at a man bigger than him. "You're James Barnes?"

"Bucky," he replied. "James is my first name, but I go by my nickname."

"Right," smiled the man, who offered Bucky his hand as he stood up, then led him down the hall. "Dan Matthews, I'm the lead detective. We'll talk in the interrogation room, but it's been confirmed that you're a witness and not a suspect. I just wanted to give you some privacy as you're giving your statement. Don't need an office full of Avengers fans listening in to a living legend."

Bucky smiled grimly, then sat at the table that already had some forms and a pad of paper on it, as well as several pens. The detective took a pocket recorder out, placing it on the table. He turned it on, stating the date and time, his name and Bucky's full name. Then he looked at Bucky intently.

"So, why don't you tell us everything, starting with why you were out at that particular time."

As Bucky told his story, the detective wrote it down, asking more questions when something wasn't quite clear. When Bucky got to the part where the paramedics arrived, Detective Matthews sat back after writing it down, then pushed the pad of paper over to Bucky.

"Read this over, make any corrections or additions that you feel are necessary," he said. "If you're satisfied that the written account is consistent with your spoken recollection, you can sign off on it, I'll give you a copy of the statement, and you can go."

Bucky read it over, changing a couple of words, then nodded.

"Before I sign it, may I ask if you have any suspects?"

"Yeah, the security footage does show a couple of guys coming in about twenty minutes before you. They herded the guy into the back and returned without him, then emptied the cash drawer. We're checking footage of other security cameras in the area."

"May I have a look?" Matthews looked strangely at him. "It's not my usual bodega but the one in my neighbourhood was dark and the door locked. I'm just wondering now if they hit that one first. At the time I just thought that maybe the guy that usually worked that shift was sick. I'm pretty observant because of my past. If the two guys are from my neighbourhood, I would recognize them and could point you in their direction."

It took only a few moments for the detective to make a decision, and he asked Bucky to follow him to a viewing room. Logging into the system he pulled up the security footage, then watched Bucky as he studied the screen.

"Well?"

"Yeah, I've seen them around. The tall guy is Boo." He shrugged. "Apparently, he likes to sneak up on his friends and scare them. He hangs out at a bar, Izzy's." Matthews nodded, familiar with the place. "The shorter guy is the one who's a piece of work. He has a real chip on his shoulder, really cocky. He hangs out at Izzy's as well, but I've seen him being a jerk to women at that little park near the Borough Hall. You know the type, that stands in front of them trying to get them to engage with him. They say no, but he doesn't back down. I've had words with him."

"Gotta name?"

Bucky thought for a moment. "Robby."

"That's good info," said Matthews. "We'll check it out. I'll send a unit to the first bodega and make sure everything's okay there. Do you need a ride? They can drop you off."

"Yeah, thanks, that would be great. You'll let me know, right? There are people I care about in the neighbourhood."

"I can do that."

He shook Bucky's hand, then had him wait while he found a uniformed unit available to drive him home and go on to the first bodega. As he stepped out of the police car in front of his place, he checked the time on his phone. It was after 2 am and he still didn't have any condoms.

Figuring it was a lost cause for the night, he trudged up the stairs then unlocked his apartment door. It was dark inside, except for the range hood light which lit up his tiny kitchen with the weak glow of the small light bulb. That's when he saw the box of condoms on the small island that separated his kitchenette from the living room space. Hope must have found them after he called. A small chirp from the floor revealed the arrival of Alpine and he kneeled down to scratch the cat's head. He hung up his jacket, toed off his boots and turned off the range hood light then silently entered his bedroom, bringing the box of condoms with him, placing them on the dresser. Listening, he smiled at the soft snores coming from the mound on his bed.

Stripping down, he slid under the covers, surprised to find Hope was naked. She whined a little as he pulled her into his arms, then whispered into his chest, her voice slurring as she struggled to speak from the depths of her sleep.

"You're back. Is everything okay?"

"I think so. Are you alright?"

"Hmmm?" She sounded so warm and soft as she pushed at the sleepiness to talk to him. "Am I right about what?"

"Not important right now." He whispered to her. "Go back to sleep."

He could feel his body responding to her touch as she smoothed her hands over his chest then around to his back to hold him, but he didn't press his advantage. There would be time for lovemaking when they were both in a state to get the most out of it. Right now, his brain was working overtime as all sorts of thoughts and questions crowded into his mind.

The box of condoms was visible to him as they rested on top of the dresser. Where had they been? Their disappearance had brought sexual frustration, then questions about Hope's want for children versus his own fears for the safety of any potential family. She had accepted his reasons for continuing their reliance on them but there was no doubt she wanted his children. Did he want the same, regardless of what might happen? Then he went out into the night to get more condoms, coming across the bodega clerk whose life hung in the balance until Bucky walked into the store. Was he meant to be there at that specific moment just to ensure that man's fate?

A whimper from the soft warmth of the woman in his arms drew Bucky back to this moment in this bedroom. There was nowhere else he wanted to be right now but here with Hope, even as she slipped deeper into slumber. Pressing his lips against her forehead, he breathed in the scent from her hair that filled his brain with her unique essence. As the sound of her heartbeat dominated his hearing, he knew her physical presence was like a balm to his soul, grounding him in a way that was comforting yet all-encompassing at the same time. Her emotional connection to him was even more intense. Was this what it would always be like with the one you loved the most but were just too dense to know it before now? This synchronization of heart, mind, and body in this specific moment in time ... did it prove that he had truly found the one person he needed more than anyone?

He did need her. That had been clear when he found himself alone here after the disagreement at her mother's place; how lost and insignificant he felt when he contemplated the thought of not being with her again. She made him feel strong with her proximity but also with her belief in him as a good man. When she questioned his motives for seeking out Kane and Adam, she struck him harder than she realized and his reaction had been to withdraw, wounded from her words. That was when he felt her absence the most. It was like he couldn't breathe, that he was suffocating because she wasn't there, and he never wanted to feel that way again.

Getting his grandmother's ring repaired; the same ring his father proposed to his mother with, the ring that Rebecca had held onto, giving it to him when he was in Tampa with Hope, had been the right thing. Having the ring had been a wishful plan to propose to Hope before, now it was a necessity. The ladies' man of his youth was long gone. The lone wolf of his post-HYDRA years had been a lonely, cynical man. Bucky Barnes had finally grown up and accepted what would make him happy and she was in his arms at this moment, sleeping like a baby, secure in the belief that he would be there when she woke up. He would do whatever he needed to make her happy, because he was all in for real now, not just in words but in mind, body and soul. So much had changed in less than 24 hours, and maybe all that happened in that short time was meant to spur him into embracing more than just living with Hope. With her, they could have so much more because it was right for them, if he believed in it, and he did ... Bucky believed.