A/N: We're baaack! I'll do a longer A/N at the bottom (is it even an update if I don't waffle on about my IRL problems?) but first I want to issue a CONTENT WARNING for this chapter. There are descriptions of depression in this chapter that might be triggering for some people. It's nothing too heavy but this is a sensitive time for everyone and I don't want to end up making anyone feel worse. Action wise nothing happens in this chapter and it is a Juvia-centric chapter so you can easily skip to the next one. I will post a short summary of this chapter at the start of the next one, so you won't miss out.
Remember, you are perfect and amazing and doing a great job just being you! 3
Chapter Sixteen
Friday Night, Date Night is what she had taken to calling it. Every Friday at six o' clock, without fail, Gray would turn up at Fairy Hills, flowers in hand, ready to take her out on a date. It was the highlight of her week. She snuggled closer to his arm. It was hard to maintain her balance, walking and snuggling simultaneously, but it was worth it. As an added bonus, it meant they had to walk slower. The more time she got with Gray-sama, the better.
Gray shifted his right arm, trying in vain to get some circulation going. Juvia's grip was far too strong. He huffed, but there was no real annoyance to his tone. They had spent the evening at the fair in Hargeon, eating overly sugared confectionery and playing rigged carnival games. He turned to view the third member of their trio; a life-sized stuffed teddy bear he had won for Juvia in the ring toss. It stared back, cross-eyed at him. God, was it ugly. He adjusted his hold on the toy, thanking his stars that Fairy Hills was looming into view.
He had become a master in walking with an attached limpet within two weeks of dating Juvia, but this stupid bear was really throwing him off balance. He did not know why Juvia insisted on walking this way, but Mira had informed him that it was what couples did. She probably knew what she was talking about, given that her suggestion of flowers had been a huge hit.
"Here you go," he said, unpeeling Juvia from his arm and thrusting the bear at her. The gates to the dormitory creaked as he pushed them open. "Good night."
"Thank you for the date, Gray-sama!" Juvia leaned forward and kissed his cheek, smiling at him sunnily as he shooed her indoors. "Good night! Have sweet dreams of Juvia!" she waved.
He raised his hand in farewell, already walking away. Mira had told him he ought to stay until he saw the light come on in her room, but there was no way he could change that much. Baby steps. That was the only way he saw them moving forward. His weekly dates with her already felt like too much too soon. But he was stepping out of his comfort zone. And making progress. Maybe. He still was not quite sure where he stood on the whole 'love' issue.
'Still,' he thought, as he lay in bed that night, 'I think we're doing well.'
He woke up to thunderclouds and torrential rain.
"Thanks for helping me catalogue and pack my books, Lu-chan!" Levy taped the last cardboard carton shut and wiped her brow.
"There were a lot more than I expected," Lucy said, the undercurrent of a whine in her voice. She smiled gratefully as Levy handed her a can of coffee from the minifridge. "Can't believe it took us all night!"
Levy smiled sheepishly. "Yeah, I was supposed to get started on it months ago. But every time I sat down to catalogue, I'd find an interesting book that I'd forgotten I'd had and then I'd just end up reading it instead of packing."
Lucy giggled. That was so typical of Levy. She glanced at the empty shelves lining the wall and smiled wistfully. After her wedding the next weekend, Levy would be moving into a house in the city with Gajeel and Lily. It was the end of an era.
Levy walked over to her nightstand and retrieved a browning and tattered volume. "Here's the book you wanted to borrow."
Lucy got to her feet. "Thanks a bunch Levy-chan!" Levy's collection of dictionaries and grammar books was vast. She was sure that this book would help her translate the tablet that Vega had given them. "Um," she said, tugging on the book, "you can let go now."
"You will be careful, won't you?" Levy said, smiling blithely.
"Of course! You have my word." Tug. Tug.
"It's not that I don't trust you," Levy continued, keeping a firm grasp on the book.
"Isn't it?" Lucy muttered under her breath, sweatdropping.
"It's just that this volume is very precious to me."
Tug. "I know that." Tug. "I will treat it with the utmost respect."
"Good! Good."
"Um, Levy-chan?"
"Yes?"
"You can let go now."
"Oh gosh! Sorry! I didn't realise." Levy reluctantly released the book, one hand at a time. Lucy speedily stashed it in her satchel before she changed her mind. Borrowing a book from Levy came with its own set of rules, and that was when she was borrowing a mass-printed novel! A priceless tome like this, well, let us just say that Levy would not have even contemplated releasing it into anyone's hands but Lucy's.
Lucy hugged her friend goodbye, promising to see her at the guild later that day. She yawned as she exited the room. What had started out as a cosy sleepover between the two girls had turned into an all-night packathon. She was exhausted. She pulled her new portable communications lacrima from her pocket and checked her messages. Fourteen voicemails from Natsu.
Mildly panicked at her usually taciturn boyfriend (Is that what he was? She could never tell) leaving her so many messages, she hurriedly clicked on the first. The sound of Natsu and Happy bickering over dinner filtered through the tinny speaker. She smiled. Natsu was so careless sometimes.
Twelve increasingly random voice messages later, she was feeling less indulgent and more irritated. Just how many times was it possible to butt-dial a person? And why did it take – she pulled the lacrima away from her ear to check the time – an hour to decide between meat and fish for dinner. Natsu and Happy only ever ate the same thing. A red stressmark pulsed ominously at her forehead. Irritated, she clicked on the final message.
"Lucy?" Gray's voice was worried. "I borrowed Natsu's portable communicator to call you. Have you heard from Juvia? We were supposed to have breakfast this morning, but she didn't show up. Call me."
She clicked redial and made her way to the second-floor.
"Hello?" Gray picked up on the first ring. "Have you heard from her?"
"Nope. Not yet. But hold on, I'm just about to check her room." She heard Gray say something about the rain as she pushed what she hoped was the correct door open. A soft gasp escaped her lips. "I'll call you back."
"What do you mean she won't get out of bed?!"
Lucy pinched the bridge of her nose. She could feel the beginnings of a migraine setting in. She needed a nap. And a change of clothes. Preferably with a bath in between.
"She won't talk to me. All she says is, "Go away." Finally, after four hours of my prodding, she said she'd see you tomorrow. She's just too tired today." Lucy did not mention the fact that both statements had been obvious lies. Or that Juvia had burst into tears as she had said them. It was only the realisation that her presence was causing Juvia more distress that had finally sent her from her side.
Gray eyed her sceptically. There was something Lucy was not telling him. It was pissing down outside. There was no way that Juvia was OK. Something was not right, and he had to fix it. He owed her that much.
There was a dull thunk of metal on wood as Gajeel took a seat next to them. "This used to happen all the time back in Phantom Lord," he said, "I thought she was over it by now."
"What do you mean?" Gray asked.
"We used to call them her 'rainy spells.' She would stay in bed for weeks, no one knew why. There was nothing physically wrong with her. We called enough doctors in to check. She just… lost the energy to do stuff." His brow wrinkled with concern. "I had thought maybe it was just the environment in Phantom, but it seems that isn't the case."
"What can we do to help?"
Gajeel shrugged as if to say, 'The hell if I know.' He rose from the table. "Wait and hope for the best."
Gray scowled at him and opened his mouth to say something scathing. Maybe even pick a fight. At least then he would feel like he was doing something.
"Look," Lucy said softly, hoping to calm him, "I've asked Erza to look in on her tonight. Maybe she can get some more answers out of her. I'm sure she will be fine tomorrow."
Gray grunted, unconvinced, but nodded at her. He would wait. What other choice did he have?
"Talk to me," Erza coaxed. Juvia had drawn the covers up over her head, fed up of her privacy not being respected. First, Lucy. Then Erza. Not to mention the incessant buzzing of her portable communications lacrima, the one that she had so wittily programmed to chirp, "Gray-sama Call of Love!" every time he rang. Fortunately, that had run out of magical energy after the 413th call. She did not know what she would have done if it had not.
Could they not see that she just wanted to be left alone? Especially now that the tears had begun and would not stop. She pressed her forearm against her eyes, willing them to just stop. She wanted it all to stop. It was too much.
Erza's heavy armoured hand patted the duvet, hoping she was somewhere close to Juvia's head. "Is this about Gray?" she hazarded a guess.
The sobs increased in volume.
"I see. Right. I will go beat some sense into him," she said loudly and got off the bed.
"No." The plaintive whimper had been almost inaudible, but Juvia's pale, clammy hand had reached out and wrapped itself around Erza's arm.
Erza requipped her gauntlet off and placed a gentle hand on Juvia's. "Tell me about it."
Silence reigned. Erza observed the rise and fall of the white duvet, unsure if it was from Juvia's breathing or if it was because her shoulders were shaking as she wept. She did not know how long she sat there, trying to convey reassurance through the weight of her hand, when Juvia finally spoke.
"Juvia can't get out of bed."
Erza said nothing, just increased the pressure of her hand on Juvia's fractionally.
"Juvia doesn't know why."
The rain pitter-pattered steadily onto the window-pane, the grey skies turning darker as dusk fell.
"It's supposed to be over," she mumbled, "I have Gray-sama now. Why am I still not happy?" The duvet contracted as Juvia shrivelled in on herself. She let out a shuddery sob that seemed to come from deep inside her, struggling to break free from the weight that pressed down on her chest.
Erza's brow furrowed, sensing a sort of kinship with the girl. Was she not in a similar situation a mere month ago? Albeit her pain had manifested in a different way than Juvia's. She turned to look out of the window. No. Her pain had been almost mild as compared to Juvia's.
Still. A month ago, she could not have imagined ever feeling happy again. And now look at her. She nodded her head firmly. There was only one thing for Juvia to do. "Go see Porlyusica."
Juvia retracted her hand. Of course, Erza did not understand. No one ever did.
"Trust me. She can help you."
"Juvia is not sick."
Erza crossed her arms and regarded the lump under the bedclothes, repeating what Porlyusica had said to her all those weeks ago. "The mind is just as important as the body. If you need help to cope, it is no different that taking a cough potion to ease your throat. I-," she paused, reconsidering what she had been about to say. "Porlyusica helped me."
The duvet inched down Juvia's face until her eyes were visible. "What did she help you with?"
Erza's jaw tensed and she decided to go for brutal honesty. "Every morning-" Her eyes widened in surprise as her voice choked. She blinked back the tears that sprang, uninvited, to her eyes. It was easy to be glib about seeing Porlyusica. But those watery blue eyes demanded total vulnerability. She swallowed the lump in her throat and went on, "Every morning I would wake up, unable to breathe. It was as though something was sitting, heavy and unyielding, just here." She gestured to her chest. "There was nothing wrong with me either. But Porlyusica helped me."
Juvia's limpid eyes blinked once. Twice. She turned over and drew the covers over her head again. "I'll think about it."
He was waiting outside the gates of Fairy Hills again, pacing a groove in the walkway. "Well?" Gray asked, the moment Erza exited the building. It had been two days since he had seen Juvia. Erza had told him that Juvia had declined all visitors, no longer allowing even Erza into her room. The meals Erza had been leaving outside her door had remained there, untouched.
"No change," Erza replied.
Gray ran a frustrated hand through his hair. "Maybe I should try getting in touch with Meredy again. They're close. She can help."
"I don't doubt that."
"And maybe Wendy should come home. I know she rarely gets to visit Cheria but she's going to come home this Friday anyway. A few days won't hurt."
Erza leaned against the cold steel of the gate and eyed him. "You and I both know there is nothing Wendy can do." Rain dripped from the umbrella she held over her head. "She has to want to be helped before she can be helped."
"That's bullshit and you know it!"
Erza flinched from the harshness of his words. "Go home, Gray, you're getting drenched" she said, turning away.
She was almost at the door when she heard Gray whisper, "Can I please see her?" For the past two days, Gray had respected the rule that no men were allowed in the women's dormitory, but now he was getting desperate.
"You know I can't allow that." Erza cast her gaze downward to hide from the disappointment in his eyes. Disappointment in her.
"You enforce the rules. Can't you look the other way, just once? For me? Are you that much of a hard-ass?"
She winced inwardly but did not allow the hurt to show on her face. It was better to be the bad guy than for Gray to turn up at Juvia's door and have his heart broken when she refused to see him. Her eyes met his, and her heart gave a lurch. She had expected to see anger and resentment in them, but all she saw now was wretchedness. She slipped out of the gate to the building and indicated for him to follow her.
They turned the corner of the boundary wall, coming upon a bench overlooking Lake Sciliora. Erza took a seat, the wood having kept relatively dry thanks to the tree that grew beside it. "Sit," she instructed.
Gray huffed and plopped onto the bench. A few seconds later, he blinked as the rain suddenly stopped dripping down on him. He looked up to find Erza had stowed her umbrella and was now holding a shield overhead. One large enough to cover the both of them.
"That's unnecessary." His tone was clipped.
"Indulge me."
Gray snorted derisively but did not argue. "Well?" he said after several minutes passed. He turned to see Erza gazing out at the lake pensively, her eyes clouded with emotion.
He tsked in annoyance and ruffled his wet hair, spraying a shower of sparkling droplets over the white wood.
Eventually, Erza turned to him and fixed him with her most earnest look. "Tell me why."
"What?"
"Why do you want to see her? Maybe if I understood, it would be easier to relent." She thought she had been protecting Gray from hurt but what if she was hurting him more by denying him the chance to make his own decisions?
Gray blinked in surprise. He had not been expecting that. It was his turn to stare out over the lake. The minutes trickled by and he wondered idly, if Erza's arm was starting to hurt from holding her shield up like that. He turned to pose the question flippantly but was arrested by the sincerity in her expression. "I feel like I'm failing her," he said feebly. He ducked his head, finding it easier to talk of such a weighty matter when he did not have to watch her reaction.
"I think it's my fault," he continued, "It's my fault. For not being a good enough boyfriend." His bare feet were spattered with mud and he flexed his foot, examining the scars on the sole from many years of casually discarding his boots. "I think she can sense the doubt in my heart and that's why she's so unhappy. I think she knows," he lifted hopeless eyes to meet hers, "That I'm not able to love her the way she deserves to be loved. That's why this is happening."
Erza's eyes widened in surprise. Gray had given everyone the impression of a man in love. She would never have guessed. She shifted her arm a little. The strain of holding up the shield was getting to her. She said nothing, giving him space to continue.
"After Tartaros, I was… in a bad place. My dad had just died, and I was coping badly. She took care of me. Made sure I was eating. That I wasn't training too hard. She was there for me at a time when I was making bad choices and being reckless."
"Like with Avatar?" She could not help the words that slipped past her lips. She had to know.
"It's not your fault."
Erza's lips parted to deliver a rebuttal. "I-," she began, but then changed her mind. "No. I am not here to ask you to comfort me for the choices I made. I asked you to do it. I did not think about how you were feeling or why you were doing it. That is on me. It is something I will have to make peace with."
"If it wasn't Avatar, it would have been something else."
Erza hummed noncommittally. "Go on."
Gray dug his feet into the cool earth, the mud squelching between his toes. "I just… I never want her to hurt like you did." The hand holding the shield above his head wavered the slightest bit. "Because she has done so much for me. I owe her so much."
The rain puddled in the muddy grooves left by his toes, the splashes a sonata of skittering drums. "OK."
"OK?" He jerked up, surprised.
"Come along. She is upstairs."
"Really?"
"Do you want me to change my mind?"
"No. No." He paused. "Thank you."
She instinctively reached out and took his hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze. He looked at the hand on his in confusion. Erza hurriedly made to draw it away but he caught her fingers in his before she could. He clutched her hand in his, drawing strength from her solid presence as the tears pushed their way out of his eyes.
Erza sat there beside him as afternoon turned to evening, her sword hand in his, her other raised above their heads, shielding him from the world's pain.
Gray moved the oversized teddy bear off Juvia's bedside table and replaced it with the ice rose he had crafted. If he was unnerved by the number of Gray-plushies that decorated Juvia's room, he tried his hardest not to let it show. He heard the toilet flush in the en-suite bathroom and squared his shoulders, readying himself.
Juvia emerged, her hair tangled, her skin paler than usual. "Gray-sama?" she whispered, the words coming slowly, as if spoken with monumental effort.
"I brought you a present," he said, offering her a hesitant smile.
She looked at the beautiful rose upon her bedside table and the wretched tears that she thought she had finally gotten under control started again.
"What's wrong? Don't you like it? I can get rid of it." He had never seen Juvia like this before. Her usually sunny disposition was nowhere to be found. Panic flooded his body. He realised, belatedly, that he should probably try to comfort her. That was what a good boyfriend would do. He tried to wrap his arms around her, but Juvia pushed him away. She just about made it to her bed before she collapsed.
"Juvia, what is going on?" he asked, the concern evident in his voice, "What can I do? Tell me. How can I help you?"
She shielded her face from his probing gaze, willing him to leave her be. Why was he here? And why was he not making things better?
Something had to give. "Take me to Porlyusica," she said between sobs.
So that was what he did. He drew her arms around his neck, supporting her thighs when he realised that her grip was too tenuous to keep her safe upon his back, and carried her across Magnolia to the East Forest.
The forest witch took one look at the rain-soaked pair at her threshold and cursed the day she decided to open her doors to human patients. She ordered Gray to stay outside and escorted Juvia inside.
Juvia had stopped crying somewhere on the way to Porlyusica's cottage, but the compassion in the stern woman's eyes threatened to set her off again. She felt bleak. Like everything around her was wrong; it was oppressive and heavy, threatening to crush her. She stumbled to the couch in the centre of Porlyusica's cottage, her legs ready to give out under her.
"Drink this," Porlyusica ordered, handing her a steaming cup of herbal tea. "It will help you sleep. We can talk in the morning."
Juvia blinked, wondering how the healer knew that she had been having difficulty sleeping. She nodded meekly and took a sip of the drink.
Porlyusica swept from the room, grabbing an umbrella from the stand by her door and throwing it at the fool standing in the rain outside. "Go home. There is nothing more you can do here."
"Will she be OK?"
"Go home. I already have one patient on my hands. It won't help if you catch a cold and join her in my care." She shut the door in his face with a decisive slam.
Juvia woke in an unfamiliar room, the sound of birdsong ringing in her ears. She rolled over to try and go back to sleep, the blissful numbness of a sedated slumber beckoned. "Urk!" she shrank back on the couch upon being confronted with Porlyusica's lined face.
"Good. You're awake," Porlyusica said, drawing up a chair and pulling a notepad from her pocket.
Juvia inched into an upright position, the memory of the previous night coming back to her. Gray-sama had brought her here. She flinched. After she had begged him to. Her eyes came to rest on a silver tray on the tepoy before her.
"Eat," Porlyusica ordered, picking a bun off the tray and shoving it in Juvia's hands, "then tell me what is troubling you."
Juvia took a tiny bite, too afraid to disobey the crotchety old woman. She suspected that the faster she complied, the sooner this would be over, and she could go back to bed. She risked a peek at Porlyusica, fully expecting her to be glaring at her. Instead she found Porlyusica's usual brusque demeanour replaced by… well, she could not say that she looked soft but there was a kindness to the lines around her mouth. She choked on the mouthful of bread in her mouth and reached for some tea to wash it down. It was hot and sweet and gave her the strength to find the words.
"It's too much," she said finally.
"What is?" Porlyusica's words were flat, expressing just the right amount of concern but without making it seem like an interrogation. It encouraged Juvia to continue.
"Everything."
Porlyusica waited patiently for Juvia to go on.
"Juvia can't do this," she said, but did not make to move off the couch. Her bones felt like lead.
"It's OK. Take your time."
"There's something wrong with me." The back of her throat itched, a warning that the tears were on their way again.
The birds in the woods outside stopped trilling, took up another thread and began another song. Juvia closed her eyes to listen, the sound less jarring now that she was more awake.
"Why don't you tell me what you think is wrong with you," Porlyusica prompted, gently.
Juvia looked away, out of the window at the rain beyond. "It's always raining."
"Hmmm."
"Ever since Juvia was a child. It was always raining. The rain followed me everywhere. Cold and wet and… bleak." A sudden sob escaped her throat and she clapped a hand to her mouth. Porlyusica silently handed her a handkerchief.
Juvia wiped her eyes and continued, "Gray-sama. He made the sun shine on Juvia. It was the most glorious feeling. Warm. Golden. And Juvia thought. I just… I thought if Juvia could be with Gray-sama then she would be in the sunshine, always. Whenever he left Juvia, the dark clouds returned, but they'd disappear when he came back.
"But, why are they here now? Why is Juvia still not happy?" The tears kept running down her cheeks but she seemed not to notice them until her voice cracked. "What is wrong with me?"
Porlyusica snapped her book shut and moved to sit beside Juvia on the couch. "There is nothing wrong with you," she said fiercely.
Juvia was taken aback at her vehemence.
"Some people feel things more strongly than others. They have less protection against the world. So they hurt more. They feel more. More joy. More sadness. More pain."
"There are others like Juvia?"
"More than you know."
Juvia sniffed. "Can you make it stop? I need it to stop."
Porlyusica fixed her with a stern look. "It will be a lot of work. And I can't promise it will ever stop completely, but if you are willing to do the work, then you can learn to cope. Maybe even be happy."
"Will it hurt?"
"Yes."
"But then it will get better?"
"Yes."
"OK." She blew her nose loudly. "Then Juvia is willing to try."
"It won't be quick. It's going to take a long time," Porlyusica warned.
Juvia smiled weakly. "Where do we begin?"
"How about we make it stop raining first?"
Porlyusica bustled out of her hut, muttering darkly about silly humans and their belief that love would cure all their problems. "Everyone feeds you that lie, but the truth is if you are unhappy when you are alone then you'll be unhappy when you are with someone. There are no two ways about it," she grumbled. She flung the towel in her hands at the fool sitting on a tree stump a little way from her door. Figures he did not go home when she instructed him to. Focusing more on feeling useful than actually being useful was another issue she had with these blasted humans.
"Dry yourself and then get off my property."
Gray caught the towel in one hand and looked skyward, suddenly realising that the rain had stopped. "How is she?"
Porlyusica harrumphed. "She's resting. There is nothing you can do here. So, go home."
"What was the problem?"
"That's for her to tell you. If she wants to tell you."
Annoyance flickered across his brow, but he set the feeling aside. He was burning with questions but chose to ask the only one that mattered. "Will she be OK?"
Porlyusica's lips twitched upwards for a microsecond. "I think so."
A/N 2: First off, thanks to everyone who faved/followed and to those that left reviews! You made my day, week, month, yea- OK it's too early to say year. I am hoping some better things will come my way this year after all haha. I'll be PMing those of you who I can. To the second guest who left a review: Thank you! I do hope you read beyond chapter one!
To the first: Thank you so much! It really means a lot to have my work appreciated and to be told that it is in character. I've mentioned it several times before, but keeping things in character is SO IMPORTANT to me! I could just write my own original story if I was going to make up my own characters. Anyway, I know we don't know each other, but is it too early for me to say I love you? Gahaha.
A/N 3: I know anti-Gruvia's normally hate Juvia but I am an anti-Gruvia who loves Juvia, not just coz she is kawaii AF but coz the 'waste time on a dude who is not into you' thing is so painfully relatable (I never drugged anyone tho. Phew. But if we can forgive Gajeel his trespasses, then we can forgive Juvia). My own kind of depression is more the Erza sort than the Juvia sort, so I hope I did an OK job there. No two experiences are similar. I also hope I did a good job explaining Gray's motivations behind dating Juvia. I rewatched the Sun Village and Avatar arcs recently and suddenly realised that Mashima never really addressed Natsu and Gray's trauma from losing their dads... which is, I mean. Idk. Speaking as a member of the Dead Parent Brigade, it is a huge deal and it changes you in ways that a training montage does not adequately cover.
A/N 4: I know it's been a loooong time since the last update. Let's see. My thesis did NOT go well. I got thrown under the bus by my advisor at the last minute (and he then crowed about convincing the examiners to give me a lower grade and tried to cut me out of our publications). Needless to say that sent me into a bit of a depression spiral for a couple of weeks and I recovered just in time for the borders to my home country to close, so I would be stuck here in Germany, away from my family for an undefined period of time. Woohoo. So now I am job hunting in a pandemic. Funnn. How are you all holding up? I hope you are all doing well 3. I'll repeat what I said at the start of the chapter. You are all stars!
Hang tight, I am not so cruel as to leave you with a depressing chapter at a time like this. This is another double update! Hijinks and more importantly GRAYZA incoming!
