Trigger Warning: Suicidal thoughts


Picture that you get handed a bag of jellybeans.

It's pretty remarkable. Just behind a thin layer of cellophane, right in the palm of your hand, lies everything you ever wanted.

Every flavor there is: Strawberry. Rootbeer. Pineapple. Buttered popcorn.

You know the plastic packaging will be tricky to get through, but the reward on the inside is going to be worth it.

So, you're careful. You start by chewing off the corner of the bag. All the while, you can smell them.

Cinnamon. Bubblegum. Cherry.

High school. College. Birthdays together. A letterman jacket which smells like the sky.

The solution isn't comfortable. The plastic is cutting into your gums. You taste blood more than sugar. It's all you can taste.

But you can still smell what's on the inside of this stupid bag. Even if it's taking longer than you expected to reach. You've made it so far already. Why would you turn back now?

Graduation. A dorm room. An apartment with a pair of high heels and some faded blue sneakers at the door.

Raspberry. Vanilla.

A house with spare bedrooms. A bottle of champagne beside a white lace veil.

Four sets of handprints set into concrete. Two big. Two small.

Maybe you get too impatient. Maybe the smell is overwhelming for you, and you just lose it. You put too much force behind your jaw.

The bag tears, and the candy all spills out onto the floor.

That's how Juliette is feeling.

She's feeling like she just spent spent six months chewing a hole into a bag of jellybeans. Millimeter by millimeter, she worked to keep from losing any of them. She worked to keep them safe.

Julie has been kidnapped. Three times. She's broken every bone in her body putting on a show for some psycho in a banana hammock. She's spent nights alone, bleeding, crying on the cold concrete of a prison cell. She's been betrayed by her own family. She's had her body used as a weapon to hurt people she cares about.

She's been enslaved. She's been tortured. And she's taken all of it in stride, fighting to keep her mind whole and the bottom of her bag well maintained.

All for other people.

For Meg. For Lit. For Aphrodite.

For Jason.

Now, she's in the driver's seat of a broken old van. Alone. Half naked. Soaking wet. Feeling like fire is charring solid every vein in her body.

Her jellybeans are not only spilled, they're squashed into pulp.

And she is so hungry.

Juliette's gold foot is the one on the accelerator. The needle on the speedometer is flush to the right.

She's burning from head to toe. She's sizzling with adrenaline.

Every story that Nico has ever told her, every word of advice from Grover and Percy is playing in her head. She can hear all of their voices at once. She can hear Annabeth's teacherly lecture from that campfire two years ago.

'Charon won't just let mortals through the entrance that he guards,' Annabeth had warned the campers. 'If you ever need to get to the Underworld, you'll have to convince him that you're dead.'

'Charon's cool,' Nico had sighed, clicking his lighter on and off. 'Sometimes, we play poker. I win.'

'Just tell him you drowned in the bath. Worked for us,' shrugged Percy.

'The Underworld?! Ummm, don't go?!' had been Grover's advice.

She's going. That's not in question. Juliette is going to the Underworld.

Because she wants her fucking jellybeans back.

It's a miracle that Julie gets to LA without killing anyone on the roads. A neutral miracle. She'd have killed anyone she needed to. She didn't even bother thinking of others' safety. If they're in her way, they mean nothing to her.

What are a few mortal lives compared to what's already on Juliette's conscience?

She hasn't ever been to LA, and yet she knows exactly where she's going. How? She doesn't care. There's a cold, dead tugging around Julie's heart that's guiding her. She narrows her eyes and presses harder on the accelerator.

Her powers don't seem to be functioning right now. Probably because of the amount of that toxic shit Medea pumped into her bloodstream. She's nothing if not ingenuitive, though. And her idea beats paying $12 for parking.

When DOA Records appears around the corner she's swerving, Juliette leans back and aims for the 'NO LOITERING' sign.

Right in the middle of the main window.

CRASH

Honking, screeching, shattering of glass, and the immediate yowl of a tripped security alarm.

The airbags deploy, earning her a bitten tongue and a broken nose. She rolls her seat back, spitting blood into the passenger side, and reaches up to pop the cartilage back into place.

Juliette doesn't feel it, so she doesn't even flinch.

Her gold foot kicking the van open ends up having more strength behind it than she expected it to given her body's current state of 'fucked-up-ness'. The door tears off of its hinges. It soars across the room and slams into the wall of the tiny, cluttered, red-light-flashing recording studio.

Again, Julie doesn't flinch. She climbs out of the car and turns her back on the shattered front entrance.

Juliette has done her fair share of ghost hunting. She's done her fair share of ghost helping. Pretty much everything 'Underworldy' stopped phasing her before she even had her first kiss. She can face Charon. She can do more than that.

She'll get past him.

Julie scans the entrance to the Underworld.

The room is small and stuffy. The walls and carpets are all steel grey. There's minimal furniture. What is here is black leather and has been knocked onto its side from the impact of Julie's vehicle. At the far end of the room from where she's standing (about twenty feet away), there's a podium. On the podium is a lectern. Behind the lectern is an elevator.

Setting her eyes on it brings Juliette the first gasp of oxygen she's breathed since...since she watched him look down at the spear in his chest.

She's halfway to the elevator, not yet having blinked out of fear it will disappear like some sort of fucked up post-captivity mirage, before she realizes that the room she's in is...

Empty.

Julie pauses.

She tears her eyes away from the lift. She turns in a circle.

Yes.

Empty.

Not a ghost to be seen. Not a god.

Nothing is in the room except the faint humming of jazz from a bronze record player in the corner.

Juliette grits her teeth, laying eyes on the lectern in front of the elevator. Her demigod instincts curl like a viper. Percy has always taught her to trust them - to assume that they're the only thing standing between her and Elysium.

This time, Julie pushes them aside and approaches the podium.

The lectern is dark wood and polished. The symbol of Hades is etched into the flat backing of it. She expects that this is where the Tollkeeper must keep his shared ledger with Thanatos. The list of the dead he's expecting. When Julie rounds it to stand in Charon's designated place for eternity, that's exactly what she finds.

Open.

Well, that's a bit surprising, but she'd be the last to call any god 'responsible.' Still ignoring the war drums her instincts are beating against her brain, Julie lets her gaze rake down the open page.

In their blood red ink, she memorizes the names.

Lorelai Spencer.

Jered Marcus Mendenhall.

Eloise Rose Carter.

Jason Grace.

Electricity burning her synapses, Julie runs her thumb across the slashmark through the letters. They're all marked out. Even Jason's. But the ink on his is deeper. Darker. Like the hand that drew it did so with hesitation.

It's marked out, all the same. Which means Juliette is going to be upsetting her instincts even further. She doesn't know where Charon is. She was expecting an argument. Maybe even a fight. But, if he's not here, there's no one around to stop her.

Julie knows better than to look a gift hydra in the fangs.

Without pause, she turns on her heel and makes for the elevator.


The Underworld has never scared Julie.

She could make jokes about how its king is really just a marshmallow in an Italian suit or how the fearsome guardian of the palace will sell you his loyalty in exchange for a pizza crust and a belly rub. Really, though, Juliette thinks that she feels at home down here like nowhere else because, at some level, it truly is her home.

For all that she tries to be a sunspot when she's topside, attempting to somehow compensate for her kind's reputation through sweet smiles, Juliette is a creature of darkness. At a fundamental, primal level, shadows are her nature.

She's a being of nightmares and terror. Of loneliness and grief.

That's why Nico understands her. That's why their friendship is so strong.

She and Nico are kindred spirits. She knows he'd understand what she's attempting right now, even if he didn't agree. It's just what creatures like them do when it comes to their families.

They love, and they defend.

"I'm going to give you one chance," Julie says blandly, eyes narrowed on the three winged women circling up above her.

Alecto, face still scarred, still half-melted from the last time they encountered one another, sneers at her. "You shouldn't have come back here, honey."

Juliette knew there was something different about her body. She remembers Medea mumbling into her ear as she poked needles through the layers of her skin. She remembers the way Piper paled when Julie turned to face her.

By all accounts, she should be unconscious by now. Julie has used more of her power in the last few days than she has in her entire life collectively. Instead of powering down, though, she feels like there's an engine revving in the middle of her ribcage. It's getting hotter and hotter by the second.

And Julie feels like something bad is certain to happen once whatever that energy is bubbles over.

"I go where I want," She corrects, flexing her fingers. "I have an errand to run in Elysium. Once I get who I came for, we'll be out of Hades' hair."

The Furies land on all sides of her. The impact of their taloned feet dropping down onto the black surface of the Underworld sends obsidian gravel scattering down the pathway they're on. Juliette scans their surroundings.

The moment she stepped out of that elevator, these three were on her. They didn't let her get more than a yard away from the standalone black doors before intercepting her. She didn't even make it to the first TSA security line, which is spiraled like a snake outside the front gates of Asphodel.

She can't imagine that this is where Hades' top lieutenants are usually stationed. They were sent here to wait. She's been expected.

Julie meets Alecto's scarlet gaze. It's eager and violent. She starts to wonder herself if she really wants them to back off at all. Honestly, she's itching for a fight.

Killing something would feel wonderful right now.

"Get out of my way, or go down to Tartarus," Julie warns lowly. "You can decide."

Megara and Tisiphone glance at their sister. Good. At least they have some sense. But Alecto is angry. Her red lips - REDREDREDREDREDREDRED - part in a snarl, and she leans forward over Juliette's head.

"Naughty children should get what they deserve," hisses the monster.

Juliette nods. Decision made.

"Alrighty, then."

She isn't expecting it, so her body must react all on its own. The sudden instinct to thrust out her arm is too strong to deny. When Megara lunges forward, talons out, to gut Juliette from the side, she ends up with Julie's fingers wrapped around her leathery throat instead.

It's like she's swatting a fly. There's an aggressive sort of irritation controlling Julie as she bares her teeth at the woman, who's wide-eyed, reaching up to claw at the hand on her neck. A darkness is brewing in Julie's gut. It's hot and angry and bitter. She leans into it, letting it bubble up her throat like bile.

There's power draining out of the Fury. It's trickling into Juliette's reserves like an IV. It refreshes her. It lightens the bags under her eyes, cools the fire on her skin like aloe on a burn. She almost releases a sigh of pleasure.

Instead, Julie watches the whites of Megara's eyes begin to bug out as she curls her lip and squeezes.

There's a flash of blinding gold. Veins spiderwalk up Juliette's wrist. Up to her bicep. Her muscles strain against the shackle still fastened there.

There's a pop.

Then, there's dust falling in between Julie's bare toes.

Tisiphone screams. Alecto howls with rage. Juliette watches in interest as a palmful of golden sand slips through her fingers into the pile now building beside her.

Her arm is glowing. Both her arms are-oh. Every vein in her body is glowing.

That's probably not good.

But, gods, does it feel good.

She blinks, long and slow, and wets her cracked lips on her tongue. The air tastes like misery. This time, she lets her happiness sigh out of her.

She fixes her attention back onto Alecto, rolling the grains of sand between her fingertips in morbid fascination. Julie raises an eyebrow, power burning behind her retinas.

"Would you like to reconsider?"

The remaining Furies screech in rage and kick off the ground towards her. Juliette's lips twitch. Her heart skips a beat. She welcomes the heat in her extremities like a brand new friend.

"I guess not."


Even in her numbest state, Juliette could never be okay with hurting Cerberus. Luckily, the animal is smart enough to take a whiff of whatever black and gold sludge is pumping through Julie's tired heart and decide to go back to chewing on his elephant tusk.

Either he recognizes her from the Battle of Manhattan or Juliette looks rougher than she thought. It could be the latter. Alecto got a few hits in before she followed her sisters down to the Pit. Julie's got one hand clamped over the left side of her ribs where some deep claw marks are oozing an oil-slick colored liquid. She can feel more stinging on her cheek and the back of her shoulder.

She's added 'change of clothes' to her mental shopping list. Priority #2 after 'resurrect dead boyfriend.' For now, her zombie impersonation is helping her get a pity pass from Cerberus, so she's going to continue counting her blessings.

The skeletons posted outside of Hades' throne room doors look familiar. Julie slows to a stop a few feet away, panting, and nods.

"Jeff."

Nico's favorite undead sparring partner attempts to wave at her. His arm falls off at the shoulder. Juliette watches the other guard catch it for him and offer it back. She nods at that skeleton too.

"Esmerelda."

Esmerelda nods back at her. Her jaw unhinges on one side until she reaches up to punch it back into place.

Julie motions at the doors they're standing in front of.

"Can I go in?"

They shake their heads.

Juliette rolls her eyes and crosses her arms.

"Is Hades in there?"

Nod.

"Is he hiding from me?"

Hesitation. Head shakes.

"But I can't go in?"

Nod.

"Am I going to have to fight you guys?"

Nod.

"...You know you're going to lose, right?"

Nod.

"So, why don't we just pretend that we fought, and you guys can walk down to Tartarus instead? It'll save us some effort."

Head shakes.

Julie sighs. Then she uncrosses her arms expectantly. "Alright. Fine. Who's first?"

Both skeletons draw their swords. They advance as one.

It really does feel like swatting flies this time. Julie barely moves from her starting position. One dodge and an open palmed slap to the center of their ribcages, and the bones of each skeleton crumble to dust.

Julie sighs and stands up straight again, looking down at the glowing veins in her wrist. As the heat of her newfound strength fades, so does the light.

Unhealthy looking, but useful. Julie idly wonders if demigods can get cancer or not.

No time to worry about that now. And if she lives through today, Apollo is going to owe her for life after this anyway. Juliette had better not get even a case of the sniffles for the rest of time.

It doesn't take super strength to kick open Hades' throne room doors. Julie still does it with her golden foot just to be obnoxiously loud about it, though.

When the Greek flame torches spill green light through the entryway, she feels as if she's stepping into another dimension.

It's been two years since Juliette was last in here. Back then, she'd been side by side with Nico, preparing to shadowtravel to their friends' rescue with the armies of Hell at their backs.

Now, she's an intruder. An outlander. And Hades doesn't look begrudgingly warm where he's sat stiffly on his throne of bones.

His black eyes are alight with anger. They're narrowed on her. They wrinkle in distaste on either side of his nose as Hades curls his lip and grips the arms of his chair.

Juliette lowers her foot down. She drops into a mocking bow.

Hades is not amused. He grinds his teeth so aggressively that Julie hears it as she strides forward until she reaches the base of the steps to his dais.

"What in the Great Inferno have I ever done to deserve you children?" He snarls. Hades waves a hand at her aggressively, and the doors slam shut behind her. "I told Persephone we should have squashed you when you first came trailing behind Jackson years ago. Now look where we are!"

"Your lieutenants are dead," Julie informs him, voice flat.

The armrest of Hades' throne splinters under his grip. "I am aware."

"So are your guards."

"I have others-"

"Give him back."

Hades glares at her. Juliette holds his stare unwaveringly.

There was a time when the endlessness in the King of the Dead's irises terrified her. The sheer blackness of his gaze felt like she would fall through time if she looked into it too deeply. Now, falling through time sounds peaceful. Now, Juliette is not even a little bit afraid of the dark.

"Give him back to me," She repeats.

Hades scoffs. "Why should I do that?"

Julie stares at him.

She doesn't have an answer he'd like. She doesn't care what the right answer should be. Her head is empty right now. Empty, all except for-"Give him back."

The King of the Underworld rolls his eyes.

"This is what is wrong with you heroes," He exclaims. "You get yourselves killed for nobility and then come traipsing down here like I can just snap my fingers and make all the consequences go away. What are you expecting me to do for you, little girl?" Hades mocks. "You want me to give you your boyfriend back?"

Julie's knees are shaking. She locks her jaw and nods.

The god lets out a frustrated shout and throws his hands into the air. The Greek fire in all the sconces leaps higher. The shadows grow longer. Juliette's heart sinks down deep into her chest.

"My son was not joking when he said none of you are intelligent! Pathetic." Hades bares his teeth at Julie, rising from his throne to tower over her. He leans in close and scowls. "If I had the means to revive the dead, do you not think I would have used it to save my daughter?"

Bianca.

That's...that's right...

Julie's toes go cold.

Or were they cold before, and she's just now noticing?

"What?" She chokes. Her head is already shaking back and forth. She can't control her limbs enough to get it to stop.

Hades shakes his too, but in irritation rather than denial. "I am the God of the Underworld, you imbecile. Not the God of Death. But even Thanatos cannot resurrect those who have already reached the end of their thread. Once Atropos's shears snip shut," He mimes a pair of scissors closing. "That mortal's time on earth has ended. Permanently."

No.

No, but that can't be-

That can't be-"That can't be it," Julie insists, sweating. "I mean," She's panicking now. She's bargaining. "You-Perseph-You told Orpheus that it could be done! You gave him a deal! I want a deal-!"

"I told that fool what he wanted to hear!" Hades shouts at her. "I gave him a test, yes. A test that I knew he would fail. A hero whose fatal flaw is devotion could never walk blindly out of the Underworld without his lover. Orpheus never would have completed that trial-"

"But you said-!"

"I lied," Hades growls. "No god can bring back the dead. None. When the Fates tire of spinning, the tapestry is discarded. So it goes for every mortal. So it goes for every god."

Julie can't feel her legs anymore.

She finds herself stumbling backwards.

Her eyes are swimming, her vision is blurry, and suddenly falling through time is less a past nightmare than a current, desperate need.

"No..." She mumbles. "No, there...There has to be a way. There's always a way-"

"There is not," Hades cuts her off. He shakes his head again, looking more exasperated than angry now. "You simply trashed my home in pursuit of a fairytale. A embellished story glamorized by the poets. Jason Grace is dead. There is nothing that you or I can do to change that. Not that I would bother myself, anyhow."

She...

No, she can't...

She can't have come all this way just to...

Juliette's legs finally give out. She hits the cold tiles of the throne room.

The familiar sensation of kneeling at an angry king's feet.

Is this all she has left in her life?

Is this...it?

She looks down at her hands. Her bloodied hands.

Jason's blood-REDREDREDREDREDRED-is still underneath her fingernails. She wants to smell the sky again. She knows that now, miles above her, Jason only smells like iron.

The end. Yeah. It must be.

Because Juliette isn't going to make the walk back out of here.

Julie's not going to do that.

Julie is going to see Jason again. One way or another.

She stands back up. Slowly. Her skin feels rough when she hugs herself, focusing only on the sharp cut of Hades' cheeks rather than his endless, timeless black eyes. "Okay."

Okay.

She can feel the god watching her intensely. The heaviness of his attention only makes her more ready to do what she needs to.

But first- "Where is he right now?" Julie asks. "Elysium?"

Hades' face twitches. A flash of discomfort. Of wariness. Julie feels the emotions from him, but only apathetically.

Nothing matters anymore.

He can feel whatever he'd like. It won't affect her.

"Judgement," answers Hades. "He is communing with the Ghost Kings. I would be with them now if it weren't for your little attempted heist," He snips with another eyeroll, dropping back down tiredly into his throne. "And then, yes. Elysium, I expect."

Julie nods.

"Right. Okay."

"...Yes."

It's a bit awkward. Juliette isn't sure whether the proper protocol here is to apologize or not. She did send most of his staff down into the Pit today. But he couldn't give her what she came here for.

He's letting her go without smiting her, though. Even if that's counterproductive to what Julie is now in the market for.

Still. Maybe she should apologize so he doesn't damn her soul just out of spite. She isn't planning on giving him much cool-down time, after all.

So, huffing, Julie gives in an opens her mouth to apologize.

Before she gets the words out, the doors behind her slam open once again. Hades groans. Juliette wonders if she's finally gone insane.

Shining blue, translucent, a figure walks through into the room. Juliette's restraint on her emotions finally gives out, crumpling her to the floor.

He's resplendent as he marches through the doors and tosses down a white powder wig. It comes to rest between Julie's knees and Hades' feet.

Cocky, angry, and so incredibly real, Jason nods at it and frowns.

"You're going to need some new judges," He explains. "They tried to keep me from coming here."