Chapter 3: Widow's Comfort

How long must my world spin slowly? When will it feel normal again? Will the pain numb when I can't think? Can't remember. It feels so unreal. I told him not to go. Now he will never come home.

The candles in George Square were enough to warm the early January chill. The mists rising from the breath of the grieving like a gathering in clouds. Words struggled in weeps echoed through the crowd from a microphone. Each candle bearer without dry eyes. 1976 was supposed to be a year of celebration in Glasgow's night life. It was now the cocoon of a memorial – a vigil. Every face lost on the Beira was held in a photo. Cradled and fondly cherished in the moments it was in a loved one's hands. For each person on the rig was loved. And those who loved were in attendance. The young and the old. All walks of life. Even those who did not know a crewmate still offered their respects. As the explosion of the Beira had shaken a nation. Had broken so many homes.

"My name is Suze… uh. Susan McLeary. My husband was Cameron McLeary. He was an electrician. Not the greatest in the trade but he sure thought he was."

A few weepy laughs came from the crowd. Suze weakly smiled and sheltered her teary eyes down to her notes again. "His good friend Roy was on the rig, as well. He was the chef. Responsible for keeping our men fed. He was also a dear friend of mine. He was someone who could bring light to the darkest corners. Crack a smile from the most stubborn frown. He was our family, an uncle and godfather to our girls. He will not be forgotten. And will be missed so fiercely." Suze almost lost her breath but pulled herself together. She rubbed the tears from her cheeks and sighed. "Cameron. Most of us just called him Caz. I'm sure he was known as it on the rig. He was always Caz. A bloke you'd warm to know. A feeling of home. No matter how you'd meet or what you'd say, Caz would always make a friend outta ya. Even if it started with a brawl." More scattered laughs, smiling on Suze and telling her she wasn't alone on the stand. Cait and Maidie stood by her sides. "I'll… never forget his spirit. The way his voice would wheeze when he'd laugh. The way he… the way he always saw the best in people. No matter who you were, he'd find a reason to like ya. To help you out and get through. My man. My love. He was a true port in a storm. A hero. Just like all of 'em. That's why we're here, that's what we'll remember them for. Doing what was not for the faint-hearted to keep our homes warm and our children's scran hot. Making Scotland proud. So very proud. Caz is the father of my children. The greatest friend I've ever had. The love of my life. Wherever he is, I pray he's smiling down on us. Guiding us. All of them that gave their lives on that rig. I pray they're at peace together. I pray that… that we will see them all again. I love you, Cameron McLeary. We love you and will cherish your memory forever. No matter what, we will weather this. Donny worry."

Suze got off the podium staggeringly. Her eight year old helping her steadily as she started to weep. Slowly families started to come up to the wall behind the podium. Each placing a picture of their lost on the board. Each picture decorated in its own touch of love from home. Children's drawings attached for daddy, flowers, rosaries, records, and even jewellery. Karen Addair and her son and daughter came and hung a picture, as well as Joseph Finlay, Jane Innes, Connie and Harold Muir, Elizabeth and Lennox Gibson, and Advik and Damini Sunil. Suze and the girls hung a picture of Caz when he was still boxing. His happier days. A picture of Roy and Caz together. Drawings from Cait and Maidie attached behind it. As well as a necklace he had given to Suze on their second anniversary she rarely took off. Now to be left on the memorial wall. A small redheaded woman with shoulder length wavy hair passed Suze on their way down. She gripped a photo to her chest. Her tears wetted her cheeks and sharp sweeps of air coming from her nose. She placed the picture on the board, setting one rose behind it. As well as a pen she slipped the lid handle on the far right of it. A Cadal pen. Callum and Jack Rennick came after to set the picture of their father, only to briefly pause in surprise to see she had left a picture of him, as well. Despite their dire attempt to recall, they did not know her.

Suze walked with her daughters from the crowd. Certain it was time for home. She had hoped to gather some kind of closure from the vigil. It remained dauntingly irrelevant. A bandaid to the floodgates. Then Cait began to fight her pull.

"Cait, darling, we're goin' hame now."

"No! I won't leave daddy!"

"Cait!"

She fought the pull, nearly tugging Suze over. Maidie began to wail.

"Cait, please! Not now, don't do this now! I canny!"

"I don't wanna leave daddy! Mum! Please! We canny leave him!"

The scene was attracting some displeased stares. Startled and dreading. She was certain the wails of her children were greater harming the already hurt around them.

Let me disappear. I just want to disappear. If Caz was here he'd… he'd help me. I can't do this without him. How can I?

Then the same redheaded woman came over. She knelt down to Cait and didn't say a word, but it was enough to startle the girl. Maidie kept whimpering but even she ceased her wails at the strange woman. Suze spooked, waiting for some kind of judgement. Then she pulled out a lily. Fresh and still with droplets of water. As if she had gotten it from the flower shop just a moment ago. She handed it to Cait, smiling up at her with sparkling eyes against the candlelight. Cait took it cautiously, but a warm smile creased to her face.

The woman said, "A lily. Pretty like you." She gave one to Maidie, as well, "And also you." Maidie's tears seemed to dull in moments as she took the flower in a small giggle.

She carefully stood from ground and made short, awkward eyes with Suze before pulling another lily from the zipper of her jacket. She handed it to Suze timidly, a nervous smile faded to warmth. A kindred pain in both of their eyes when they finally set on the other. Suze took it gently. "Thank you."

"Kindness to zy neighbour, right?" She had a thick French accent.

"Right." Suze cooed. She began to lead the girls out the crowd once more. Then the woman called out. Something striking.

"I knew him… your husband. I knew Caz."

Suze turned her head back and her eyes began to sparkle once again. "You what?" Suze let the girls admire their flowers and talk about them together as she paid her attention to the woman. "You knew Caz?"

"I'm Josie Cartier. I… I knew him, oui. I mean… yes. I was friends with him. He was my friend. I was working on the oil rig. I trained him, actually."

"How… how did you – "

"I was on leave. Had an accident. I've been at zee hospital and uh… I was… actually scheduled to return to work today… believe it or not."

"My God… talk about luck. You're one of the only survivors."

"Surviving isn't what it's all chalked up to be…" Josie muttered in a weak scoff, taking her teary eyes from Suze's for only a moment. "I just wanted to say… I was really fond of your husband. He… was a good man. You're right. He was definitely zee port in a storm. Zee helping hand when people needed it. He never stopped being helpful. He always thought of you. Your girls. Always. He'd talk an ear off about you all if he was given the chance."

Suze smiled, only letting the tears fall down her cheeks. Josie continued shakily, "He was so proud of his family. In the short time I knew him, he taught me a lot. I used to be… well, kind of a bitch. He set me straight a few times I don't care to count. He wasn't afraid to speak his mind. Zare was a lot of good men on zat rig. Caz was one of zee best."

Suddenly Suze pulled Josie in for a hug, a bit startling, but comforted the more it held on. Josie tried not to cry, but the pull in her gut made it futile. "Thank you," muttered Suze through her shoulder.

Josie didn't respond, but the pat on Suze's back said enough. When they released, Josie asked it impulsively, but it slipped out anyway.

"Do you… wanna go grab something to eat? I'll get something for the little ones – my treat."

Suze replied, "Oh, no, it's fine. I donny wanna impose."

"It's no imposition whatsoever. I…" Josie looked back to the board. The picture of Rennick highlighted in the candlelight, "I just… don't want to be alone."

The pain in Josie's face was all too familiar. A feeling Suze was battling to hide from her girls. She took Josie's hand. "Neither do I. But we're going dutch, right?"

"Fine by me. Greasy spoon?"

"Aye, you know what's good."


"I feel like… the world has stopped spinning. Like I'm underwater walking in slow motion. Sometimes… I swear I can hear his voice. Smell him. It's been… five months since I last saw him. It still doesn't feel real he's gone. Like any moment we'll get a call saying it was all a mistake."

Suze explained as she poured herself another scotch. The girls were tucked into bed. The house cleaned thanks to Josie's help, who was sipping a tea beside her. Josie replied croaky, "I feel it, too. I'd rather have hope in something hopeless than none at all."

"The last memories I have… were in anger. The last letter I sent him was a threat of divorce. His last thoughts of me were the darkest moments for us. It's my fault. I… I pushed him away."

"Whoa," said Josie as she took Suze's hand (who was beginning to sob), "You can't blame yourself for zis. No, it was not your fault. No one's fault. If you hadn't told me, I would never have guessed you two were in zee shit. From Caz's words, you were the most important thing in his life. You and the girls. He never had one negative thing to say. Not to me or anyone. It was always good. He cherished you, Suze."

"But he didn't know how I felt. He thought I was done. That it was over. It'll be the regret of my life not making things right. You know how precious that is? Making sure the people you love understand how much you mean to them. Not telling them the truth. Knowing you never can…" Suze choked on her voice, bowing her head into her hands before hastily pouring herself another shot of whiskey. She grabbed another glass at the counter next to the table and poured one for Josie.

"No, I can't." Josie pushed the glass away.

"Naw. You're not letting me drink by myself again, come on."

"No. I'm fine."

"Jo, come on."

Josie flicked her eyes up to Suze, "I'm pregnant."

"You…" Suze stammered her words, "You what?"

There was a shared silence, giving time for Josie to grow tears and wipe them away before she finally spoke. "Found out a day before I met you. You know, the vigil. I was… waiting for it to get further along before I said anything but… yeah. I'm pregnant."

Suze wanted to celebrate or at least congratulate, but given the dour look on Josie, she held it back. "Is it… Davey's?"

Josie rubbed her mouth and rested her eyes, "Yeah. Would have to be, I haven't fucked anyone else."

"God, Jo… No wonder you been crook." Suze remorsefully quaked, "I'm… I'm so sorry. Are you…"

Suze went quiet again. Josie caught the silence as a hint. "Am I what?"

"Gonnae take care of it?"

Josie's brow curved, "What're you saying? Am I gonna kill it?"

"Right. Nevermind. Forget I asked. So, you're keeping it?"

Josie's memories tried to bring Rennick back, but she pushed it down. Just long enough she could answer Suze. "Yeah. Looks that way."

"Do you want to? There's options, Jo. There's adoption."

"That's a shit option."

"Are you sure you're ready for this? Having a baby… it's going to change your life. I mean, completely."

"Yeah, I get it. Trust me. Being around you and the grommets has taught me that, believe me. I don't know if I'm ready. I don't sink I ever could be. Not without him. Davey's dead. He's never going to know, maybe he wouldn't even want to. Either way, I'm doing this. Zis train took off a while ago, and there's no getting off. Even if I wanted to. It's the last part I have of him. Zee only proof that we actually had anything together. Maybe… maybe I'll be good. Better zan my bitch mum ever was."

"No matter what you choose, you know you got me in your corner, always. If you keep the bub, she'll have the girls and I. You wonnae be alone, Jo."

"Who knows," wept Josie as Suze consoled her by patting her back, "Maybe… maybe I'll be half as good a mum as you. Even just half… that's pretty damn good."

Suze pulled Josie over for a hug, who started to silently sob into her shoulder. "Oh, little mouse, it's a'right. You'll be grand, you'll see. You will."

"Of all the ways I thought my life would turn out. I never thought it be like zis. I should have never… never applied for that fucking rig. That fucking… piece of shit metal death-trap. Putain. Sometimes I wish I never met him. Zen I wouldn't… it wouldn't tear at me every moment of the day."

"Shh… it's alright, love. I know. I know how it feels. The pain only makes us stronger. It's gonnae make you a mom who will fight tooth and nail for her ween."

Josie's voice broke like the shattering of glass, "He's… gone."

Suze tried to console Josie, but in the back of her mind was rage that was left to slumber until now. The real rage. The hole out of the pit.

"What was the name of that company? The one that owned the rig?"

Josie took heavy breaths before finally quavering, "C-Cadal?"


Suze and Josie waited in the lobby of the clinic. Suze still had the girls in the back of her mind. She always worried when she tried a new babysitter. Despite the worry, she knew they'd be alright. Now it was Josie's turn to worry. Her second and possibly most crucial check-up was today. Her stomach was beginning to round. Her second trimester at its peak. All that was sound in the room was the contemporary flute on the radio behind the clerk desk.

Suze asked her quietly, "You alright?"

"Six fingers and eight toes, that's all I'm saying."

"Ugh. Shut it. Forget I asked."

"Maybe two heads and a foot growing out of its forehead."

Suze snipped in a hiss, "The fuck is wrong with you, honestly? Stop thinking the worst, it'll be fine."

"'Worst' seems to be a theme in my life, Suze."

A nurse peeked around the corner, "Josephine Cartier?"

Suze and Josie sat up together, with Suze warning in her ear, "No mutant baby talk."

"I'll talk about my mutant baby all I like."

Josie and Suze followed the nurse to a room with a bed and an ultrasound machine. "Alright. Gonnae have you remove your undergarments there, love. Radiologist will be in shortly." The nurse left after setting a hospital gown in the bed, as well as a drape sheet. Suze looked away but wasn't at all unnerved when Josie was beginning to change. Much like one of her daughters or a sister, she wasn't phased to the two changing in front of the other.

Josie laid down on the bed and nervously asked, "Hey, you spoke to Carmin yesterday?"

"Aye. She said we're just waiting for the approval of the court. Lawsuits like this usually take a while. Especially against… you know, a conglomerate."

"Did they say how much we could get? I mean… for Rennick and Caz?"

"A half a million each."

Josie's face went white, "What?!"

"That is if we donny settle, which I don't think we should anyway. Carmin got some research done, that place was a ticking time bomb as far as they're concerned. Hazards and not meeting code. Bastards were way over their heads having men on that rig."

"Oh, trust me, I know. That place was falling apart. I spent a month in hospital because of it."

The door cracked open to the doctor with a clipboard in hand. "Hello, lasses! I'm the radiologist, will be trying to take a wee peek at the bub today. Now, there's only so much these machines can do. We likely won't be able to get a clean look at baby or the gender, is that alright?"

"I got zee spiel from my OB, I know. I just… wanted to see if we could try." Josie said sullenly.

"What will you be looking for, then?" Suze asked.

"Any abnormalities. You know, conditions with the fetus that raise any brows. Says here you're a healthy twenty six year old woman and this is your first baby."

Josie nodded, and the radiologist continued, "Right then, let's have a look see, aye?"

Josie laid back and let the doctor press the doppler over her lower abdomen. For a while, the radiologist was taking dimensions, but nothing distinct of the baby's features for Suze who could see the monitor. Josie had her head leaned back, baring the press of the doppler painfully against her full bladder.

"Any chance we'll see the gender?" Suze asked sweetly.

"Oh, I'll be honest. Very hard to see the gender on these machines. We may catch a glimpse at baby's face but other than that, we won't be too lucky. Any gender you want in particular?"

Suze chimed, "Girl!"

The radiologist laughed as Josie groaned, "As long as they are healthy and don't have six fingers and a foot growing out their head, I'm happy."

"Excuse… me?"

"Ignore her. She just wants a healthy baby." Suze amended with a brief 'what-did-I-tell-you' glare at Josie.

"Could be a boy, too! I bet dad would be right craic, then, wouldn't he? He working today?" The radiologist asked down to Josie, who fluttered her eyes at Suze sadly.

Josie simply answered, "Yup."

"Well, from what I see you've got a healthy baby! No abnormalities. Would you like me to try and take a gander at their face?"

Josie and Suze almost answered simultaneously, "Yes!"

The radiologist made a quick chuckle and started to move the doppler for the baby's face. Seconds melted into minutes. With each minute passed, the pair were becoming discouraged.

"Like I said, these machines can only show so much."

Josie replied, "Nevermind, it's fine… Just another surprise I gotta wait for."

Suze then gasped, "Whoa, wait! Take it back just a wee bit. Where you just were!"

The radiologist did as she asked, and Josie raised to Suze, "What?"

"I thought I saw a nose!"

The radiologists concentrated glare melded into a smile as she nudged the monitor around for Josie to look. She had it in just the perfect position. The screen was black and white, but clearly a round cheek, a closed eye and a nose and mouth. Josie beamed a grin. Shaky and vulnerable – falling to tears the more she stared up at the monitor. Suze awed, "Look at the wee one, eh? Oh, Jo, she's adorable. Or he. My money is on she."

"She has his nose." Josie muttered weakly, "I can see it."

The radiologist added, "Very beautiful. Baby is gonnae break hearts, I'm sure. Congrats, mama."


"Suze, you have a call on line eight."

Suze picked up the phone at her clerk position at a small medical clinic. "Hello, this is Susan McLeary."

"Suze! It's… happening! My water broke! Oh, Jesus Christ. Merde! Please come here! Come now!"

"Oh, shite! Alright, fuck! I'll be there soon, just hang tight, love!"

Suze got off the phone in a hurry and called back to her co-worker, "Kenneth, I gotta go! My mate is having her baby and she needs me! Direct my calls to you, please?"

"What about Dr. Kaine?"

"Tell him I had an emergency, because I do! I gotta fly, I'll be back tomorrow!"

Dr. Kaine came around the corner then as Suze was grabbing her purse. "Whoa, where's the fire?"

"Oh, Dr. Kaine, I need to leave. I'm sorry. My mate is having her baby and I promised her I'd be there."

"Well, you can't expect Kenneth to answer your calls and his own. I get it's your friend, but you're needed at work."

Suze made a grievous sigh, "Look, Edward. I've never called in sick, only time I've taken leave was when my husband died. I've been working here for three years, and not once have I left work. This… I wouldn't be leaving if this wasn't important. You don't understand. She… she has no family. She has no one. She has me, that's it. There's no father for the baby, and I'm all she has. She was there for me when my husband died. I promised her I'd be there for her when the baby came. Please. I promise you I'll be back tomorrow morning. But I need to be there for her now. Please."

Dr. Kaine looked back to Kenneth, who meekly went back to his work at the desk. He returned his gaze with a quieter tone, "Fine. Alright. Go be with your friend."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you, Dr. Kaine!" Suze pulled down his collar with a kiss on his cheek and grabbed for her belongings before scurrying out the doors.

She made it to the hospital in a hurry, parking angled before darting into the doors. Suze reached Josie's room in loss of breath, as was Josie, who was already muddled in the worst of her contractions. The baby was coming quickly. Neither Suze nor Josie was prepared.

"Hey darling! Oh, God, bub isn't giving you time to adjust, is she?"

Josie wept in pain as she forced a smile, "Little shit is currently making arts and crafts with my abdominal organs. Jesus zis fucking hurts!" She wailed and strained.

"It's gonna feel like you're taking the shite of your life. You'll be right. You got this."

The nurses and doctor came in. "Alright! Josie, gonnae check your dilation real quick, alright, love?"

"Can you just… knock me out? Cut me open like an orange and take it out. Zis feels like the pain of a million fucking razors in the gut and vagina!"

Suze hushed her, "You're right, lass! You donny need a c-section."

"Oui, of course! But fuck do I ever want one!"

The doctor spooked, "Oh, my! You're crowning, love! Alright, we're gonnae get ready for you to push! You wanna take her hand?" The doctor asked Suze who took Josie's sweaty palm hastily.

"Whoa… crowning? Crowning? Already?! I just fucking got here! I have to push now? You want me to push?! I'm not ready!"

"Whether you're ready or not, that baby is coming, Jo. You're not alone! You can do this!" Suze said over the assembling nurses and doctors readying for delivery.

"No, I can't! Non! I… I made a mistake, Suze. I… can't do this. I fucked up! I fucked it all!"

"Donny talk like that! You're grand. Your body is made for this, and you can and will do this!"

"He's not gonna have a dad! Davey's dead. He… he's dead. I'm all alone and I'm having a baby without a dad. I'm scared and I'm stupid for thinking I could do zis! Davey's gone. He's gone, Suze! What… what the fuck do I do? What did I do?"

The nurses started to glance nervously at Josie as she panicked, but Suze was utterly confident. "You're not alone! I told you. I'll keep telling you until it finally sinks into that thick French skull of yours. You have me! You have Cait and Maidie. Stop saying that. You're not alone. You're a mum. No matter who is in the wee bub's life, they'll have us. Most importantly they'll have you. Now… don't you want to meet her?"

Josie's pain faded for only a moment as she stared into Suze's eyes. So sure they could convince anyone. Even the fragility of Josie now. Suze squeezed her hand once more. Josie's tears fell down a now settled face. She nodded jittery, "Yeah. I do."

"Then you're gonnae need to push, wee lass. Bury down the fear. Grit through the pain so you can meet your baby. I'll be here the whole time. I ain't leaving."

The doctor called at the end of the table, "Alright, Josie! At the count of three you're gonna push. Ready? One, two, three! Push!"

Josie's screams filled the delivery ward. Rattled the ear drums of the nurses, doctors and Suze, who let Josie nearly squeeze her hand right off. For nearly an hour or more it went on in panicked heat. Suze couldn't help but feel this was Caz's ordeal when she delivered the girls. Both labours he was there. Telling her exactly what she told Josie. To bury the pain. Bury the fear. Fight for that first wail of the wean. The stubble on his chin was vividly felt along her sweated forehead as she'd push. Both anxiously anticipating meeting Cait for the first time. Josie's labour was faster than both her births. Every push left a throttle of exhaustion, taking Josie's will to continue with it. Where the pain was so terrible it would break her consciousness. In the small moments she'd close her eyes. Behind her lids she'd see herself enter Rennick's office. His stained scowl only breaking when she'd enter the room. For once he'd smile. Show parts of himself he never revealed to anyone. It somehow comforted her in knowing she could give him that. Even if it was just a foolish fling. An indulgent affair. Temporary and not thought out. Josie would be more than happy if it was for a lifetime. If their relationship became something more than on the rig. Now that she was on the hospital bed baring down on her body's most testing battle, she realized it was.

"Push! Push Josie! Your past the shoulders! One last big push!"

With one last push came a lasting relief. A wash of clear water. Like the warmth of a hearth after a trek in knee high snow. The pain left and the cries gargled. Small and innocent. Docile squalls that grew stronger with every inhale from the bairn's mouth. Josie caught one glimpse of her baby and her eyes filled with tears. So fast she could barely see until they fell down her cheeks.

"It's a girl!"

Suze broke out in a weepy giggle, "I knew it! Oh, by the powers that be, she's utterly gorgeous!"

The doctor laid her on Josie's chest and her wails seemed to fade as soon as they touched skin. She was woven in a blanket, her skin softer than anything Josie felt. Softer than lily petals or spring water. Her smell succumbing Josie into the warmest love that could never be described. The only way to describe it was to feel it. That she would kill to protect her. Die for her in a second if it came down to it. Work to the bone and spill her blood for the life she deserved. Every second of her daughter's life she loved stronger. Aged years. A life that changed her whole world.

Suze gently petted the baby's soft blonde fuzz on her head. "She's beautiful, Jo. Absolutely beautiful. I'm so rapt for you, mate. You did it!"

Josie was so exhausted she couldn't speak, but she had enough to look up to Suze and tearily smile. "Thank you. I couldn't have… done it without you."

"No, you did. Was all you, darl'. All you."

The nurses helped in cleaning the baby and helping Josie with ice packs, then moved them into their own room in the maternity ward. The time neared 6pm, and Suze knew she'd have to take off before the babysitter got scunnert of the wait. "I gotta go, Jo. I'll be back in the afternoon tomorrow, right?"

Josie sat cradling the baby and smiled, "Yeah, of course. Get home to your girls."

"Maybe I'll bring Cait and Maidie to meet the baby, would that be alright?"

"That would be amazing." Josie nodded excitedly, gently patting the baby's rump when she started to upset.

"Any names? Love to tell the girls."

Josie thought for a moment a suggested, "I like… Noelle? Noelle or Fleur."

"Which one you fancy more?"

"Noelle."

"Fleur as a middle name, then?"

Josie looked down to the baby and smiled, "Noelle Fleur… Rennick?"

"You don't need to give her his last name if he's not here, Jo."

"Yeah, I know. But… I want to."

Suze pulled her purse strap over her shoulder and shrugged, "Maybe hyphenate it?"

"What… like… Noelle Fleur… Cartier-Rennick?"

"Aye, sure. I like it, has a ring."

Josie nodded and kissed Noelle's forehead, "You got his and mine, ma fille."

Suze gave one last farewell before leaving Josie and Noelle in the quiet maternity ward. Listening to Josie faintly hum a lullaby as she walked out the hall. In the nine months of grief that seemed it would never end there was light. Something hopeful for herself rather than fantasy. Where life ends, new life is born. I've spent months broken. Maybe it's time to put myself back together. Find a reason to laugh and love again. I know he'd want me to. Maybe this is his sign it's time to start.