The celebration was all over now. And what a celebration it was. Ten-year-old Lilian had finally calmed down from the excitement of the day and gone to bed – actually sleeping, not just up up creating some story in her mind. She was in on all the surprises of the day and honestly, he was surprised that she didn't tell him anything. He had seen something off about Barry that morning before he left, but that was to be expected from a fourteen-year-old.
Honestly Kermit was just expecting a little extra bread – he never would have dreamt that his parents were actually going to pitch in and get him a cake. And what a cake it was.
He had never had such a… Colorful food before. And he had never eaten something with such flavor. Just a small spoonful was enough flavor to fill his whole mouth! It was amazing. He had no idea how long they saved for that, but it certainly did make his sixteen especially sweet. Literally as well as figuratively.
He was still clicking his tongue as he opened a book in the room he and Barry shared, clicking on a flashlight to read with. Now that the hullabaloo was all over, he was looking forward to a little bit of calm. Even his coworkers remembered his birthday. He smiled to himself as olive eyes skimmed the page of words. It detailed a great adventure – a trip to the moon – and he couldn't help but wonder what it would actually be like to go there. If he were a Gamemaker and had to choose something to make a Games based on, he would hands-down pick the moon. The idea that a place existed with little to no gravity or oxygen was as chilling as it was exciting.
How would he navigate a moon arena? Well that depends on if the Gamemakers made them wear space suits – suits to make you breathe?! That would make a pretty easy Games because all he would have to do was damage the others' outfits so all the oxygen went out. So if they did just have oxygen and no gravity – actually what technology would they even require in order to manipulate gravity? Was that even possible? Well surely someone could figure it out. In that case, he would use the lack of gravity to his advantage. After all, throwing weapons would move differently from how the Careers were trained their whole lives. And nobody could use their hulking body mass as an advantage there. So-
Kermit closed his book when he heard the thump on his window and tried not to be startled, but of course he was. He was startled every time. But he had to act like he wasn't or else he was definitely going to get teased. Just like always. But hey, there was nothing wrong with a good routine. He knew that if he didn't show his face another rock was going to get thrown and it was definitely going to be thrown a little harder so he had to make haste.
He slid out of bed, trying to be quiet to not wake Barry. He was dressed – had to stay dressed. There was no way she wasn't gonna come around on his birthday! All he had to do was slip on his shoes and he did so quickly.
"Liv?"
Kermit jumped at the sound of his brother's voice and stared over at him, shining the flashlight over at him for just a second. "How long have you been awake?"
"Uh, this whole time?" Barry asked with a laugh. "One of these days you're gonna get caught sneaking out. And I am not covering for you."
"Ah, it's worth it to live," Kermit said, swatting his hand a little bit. "You'll understand someday," he said as he didn't worry about being quiet as he finished pulling on his shoes and making sure the laces were double knotted. Then he opened the window, and sure enough, there she was with a grin on her face.
"There you are, Kermie," she said with her lip quirking up a little bit.
"Aight, cool your chops Liv." Kermit slowly climbed out of the window, only taking a second to nervously glance at the front door, just expecting Mom to come out of it all in some tizzy and Dad to be right behind her.
"Ey, there's no chops to be cooled, it's your birthday!" she said, revving the engine of her bike and Kermit quickly put up his hands.
"Alright, not too loud now, my house ain't that big."
"Of course, you goody two-shoes," she said with a chuckle as Kermit hopped on the back of the bike. "Aight, hold on lovey."
"Yeah yeah, I'm holdin," Kermit said, without even as much as a blush anymore about her saying it. But he felt better as soon as she was speeding off on her bike with him on the back. The summer wind felt nice, when it cut through the smokey air, and it was just nice to be away from everything for a little bit. The wind cut through them and messed up his hair – not that he cared about that, it was short enough that it wasn't going to get tangled up. At one point maybe he would have been nervous about going on the bike without a helmet, but it wasn't like they were driving at top speeds down busy roads. They were still going fast, but… Well, why think about that when this moment was just so perfect? The summer wind felt great, and he liked the feeling of riding.
"Perfect night!" Liv said loudly as they were going further out from the District center – all that smoke and light pollution was insufferable. And while it was tough to escape, Alivia knew a place or two, and Kermit was her loyal…. Friend? He wasn't totally sure. And honestly, didn't care much to ask. When he was with her, he could just forget about all the shit that was going on in his life and live in the moment.
"It sure is!" Kermit agreed quickly as he held on to her tight. A strange feeling had now become… Comfortable. He loved watching the sky and seeing the illuminated smoke get less and less. Sure, he could never really see the stars better, but at least it was a little less…. Commercial, he supposed, as pretentious as that sounded.
It felt like the ride was far too short – it always felt too short to him. But when he finally looked around, he realized that this wasn't their normal spot. His brows creased. "Wait wait wait. What?"
"What? You never gone searching for ghosts before?" She gave him a confident smile.
"What do you think?" Kermit asked her with a brow raised. He had barely been outside his own neighborhood before the two of them met and now look at him. He had experienced and grown so much since he met her. And only with a little teasing about how sheltered he was. And he could understand why now.
"Oh, you're in for a good time," she said, going into her bike bag and pulling out some things. "Take this," she said, putting a notepad and pen in his hand. "You'll be our designated note-keeper. Also, I'll give you this to record audio."
"Woah, this must have come from the damn stone age," Kermit laughed as he took it from her and held it up.
"Hey, I did a lot of thrifting for this stuff."
"And asked Daddy for the rest," Kermit teased her with a laugh as she handed him a flashlight as well.
"Hey, having a Dad that's a doctor has its perks," she said as she had a compass in one hand and in the other… She held up to show it off to him.
"Oh wow, what is that?" Kermit asked as he leaned over to look at it and she opened up the screen to show him. "Woah!"
"It's a thermal camera," she explained as she held it up to her hand to show him how her hand was red in the camera.
"Wow, I've only ever heard of those!" Kermit said as he watched. "Bruh, why did you waste all this time taking me to old ruins and stargazing when you had all of this?!"
"You would have asked me the same question if I did this first and then later showed you my telescope," Liv said matter-of-factly.
"Well…" Kermit laughed. "Yeah. The telescope is also hella."
"Okay don't push it with the hip language thing," she said with a grin.
"So the thermal camera will show us the ghost?" he asked.
"That's the idea!" she said. "I've been around a few times but never with a buddy so this is going to be our chance to really get evidence."
"You think it's the ghost of who? A tribute?" he asked.
"I don't know, but that would be hella cool," Liv said as she watched him examine the digital recorder and put his thumb on the button, then hook the pen on his shirt collar. "Could just be some boring old person. But there's only one way to find out." She held up her compass. "We gotta just stay together. I want some walkie talkies, but that shit's expensive and there's not another gift opportunity til Winter Fest."
"Well thankfully we have all the time in the world," Kermit said with a chuckle. "Alright, so we stick together. And… What's the compass for?" He wanted to know everything, this was so cool, she was so cool.
"Oh this? I read somewhere that it's a good way to track paranormal energy. You know, if the needle wobbles and struggles to find the magnetic field for north, it means it's being blocked by something." She was always patient with him when he had questions and he was grateful for that.
"Oh," Kermit said. "Of course. Wow, that's cool too."
"I try, I try," she said, brushing off her shoulder a little bit and turning to smirk at him over her shoulder. "Aight, you ready? Don't get too scared now."
"Scared? No way," Kermit said with a chuckle as he pressed the button of the voice recorder. "Alright, this is our excursion on June tenth. This is the dashing Kermit Fisher, alongside Alivia Mostellar. Any last words, Liv?"
"Last words?! Fuck off!" she said, shoving him a little bit and making him let go of the record button as they were both laughing.
"I meant, last words before I stop recording and we go in already!" Kermit said but he was laughing as well and shaking his head. "Geez. Alright, I don't wanna wait anymore!" The curiosity was killing him! So Kermit fearlessly led the way into the house, and Alivia let out a noise of surprise before she quickly went over to join his side. She grabbed a small handful of the bottom of his shirt to make sure they stayed together while Kermit flicked the switch on to turn on the flashlight.
It wasn't very exciting, but it was new. And it was discovery. Sure, it was all dusty, dim, and brown, but it answered a question that was burning in Kermit's mind. He shined his flashlight up, down, and around the room. "Huh."
Liv held up her compass to the light, and besides a small wobble from being moved quickly, the compass was still dead-set on north. She moved her camera around the room slowly.
"Nothing here," she said as she turned to look at the back, while still staying close to Kermit.
"Well that's no good," Kermit said with a bit of a pout and a sigh as he shined his flashlight all over the place. On the walls was some torn-up, wet, faded wallpaper revealing rotting plywood underneath that was becoming overgrown with ivy. "Guess we gotta keep going."
"Right," she said, holding onto his arm a little bit as he held the flashlight and they stepped into the house a little further.
"Must have been the kitchen," Kermit said as he just walked in and looked around. The floor was dark, covered by now by dirt and grime, but must have once been tile. There was a sink and cabinets for which the doors hung off their hinges, or just fell straight off. "Wow. Anything?" He leaned over to shine his flashlight again on the compass. Still nothing. The thermal camera still showed completely normal images. "I mean, if I were dead, I wouldn't want to hang around the kitchen."
"Yeah right," Liv said, and suddenly they heard small scratching sounds and Kermit quickly shined his flashlight, pressing the record button on the recorder. For a long moment, he listened, before the culprit went scurrying across the floor.
"Just a mouse," Kermit said with a sigh before he let go of the button again. "Bummer."
"Bummer," said Liv, but she was breathing a little heavy.
"Are you… Scared?" Kermit asked, looking over at her with his flashlight shining away from her face. She was definitely a little pale. He was going to laugh at her, but the expression on her face melted him a little bit. She looked so upset and yes, afraid. He couldn't tease and laugh at her like she did to him so frequently when she looked like that. "Oh shit, I didn't think you actually were. Sorry Alivia. You wanna get out of here?"
"N-No," she said, crossing her arms stubbornly and shaking her head. "I'm not scared."
Kermit just reached over to take her hand for a moment and gave her a small smile. "It's okay if you are," he told her honestly, before choosing to not push it anymore and just start walking towards the living room, out of the kitchen. "You wanna keep going?"
"Of course I do!" Liv said quickly, but she was squeezing his hand and after a moment she took a deep breath. "I might be… A little scared," she said, looking over at him in the low light. "So j-just don't go anywhere okay, and no games or anything!"
Kermit smiled a little bit at her. All the time he'd known her and she was always so… Well, tough. And now she wasn't so tough. But she was honest. "No games," he said as he squeezed her hand softly. "I'm with you, okay? I got your back."
Alivia looked over at him, her face… Actually getting a little bit soft for once. Her voice going a little quiet. Her lips pulling up into the slightest little smile. "Thank you Kermit," she said, giving him a kiss on the cheek.
He smiled back at her and then he started moving through the hallway, towards the back of the house, slowly, and still holding onto her hand. He always had fun with her and was glad that he got to see the real her, even if only for a fleeting moment.
Even if they found ten ghosts… That would be his favorite part of the whole day.
~.~.
He was sitting on his doorstep and just waiting for when he had to leave for work. His breaths were shaking a little bit as he stared at his hands, a little bit cut up still from the night before.
"Liv. Put it down."
"Come on baby don't you trust me?" With the way she smiled over the knife he suddenly wasn't so sure. She seemed a little bit too happy to run her tongue across the edge.
Kermit was just staring at her for a moment and wondering the question he still hadn't been able to answer.
Who was that?! Because it definitely wasn't Livi.
But that was just it. That was Livi. He had just never seen her like that before. It was like her heart suddenly had teeth.
She was laughing as she was swinging the knife towards him in a teasing manner. He realized pretty damn fast that despite the adventures they had together… No, he didn't trust her. His heart was pounding, he was so fucking scared that he didn't even feel the cuts she made on his hands until there was blood on his shirt coming off his palms.
"We're playing a game. A fun game. It's kind of like tag."
It wasn't a game to him in that moment. It was like there was a stranger in the room and he was just lucky that he was close enough to the door to get out of there.
He rubbed the hickeys on his neck with the back of his hand. It was still a fucking miracle that nobody asked about him wearing a scarf because it was just the cusp of October. His parents would kill him if they knew what he was doing in the night while they were sleeping. But like she said, nobody was getting hurt and they weren't doing harmful or rebellious illegal shit. They were just having some real fun. The nighttime was the only time to do it because they all worked through the day. And they were only going to be young enough to stay up through the night once, after all. Might as well enjoy it while they had the youth and the energy. Then when they got older they could settle. Not that Kermit was even thinking about settling down yet.
"Liv?" Kermit looked up when he saw his brother standing there and he quickly sat on his hands.
"Yeah," he said, but it came out in a completely different tone and Barry could tell as he gave his brother a look for a moment.
"Are you okay? You look like you've seen a ghost."
Kermit laughed a little bit. They still hadn't seen one of those. But he really felt like he saw one last night… "I'm good," he said. "We go out looking for ghosts after all."
Barry looked at him a little longer. "I bet the ghosts made you really cold. Like bruh, come on man, it's fifty-five with sun!"
"Okay okay, shut up," Kermit said quickly, instinctively holding up a hand.
"Man!" Barry said. "What happened to you?!"
"What?" Kermit asked before he pulled back his hands and noticed what he was talking about. How could he forget? He quickly shook his head. "It's fine, man," he said. "Just tripped over a ledge and totally ate it while running away for my life from a ghost. A real one. It was fuckin' terrifying and… Awesome." Awesome. Not the word he would use.
Barry looked at him for a moment. But he still had that youthful innocence of living a sheltered life at the age of thirteen and he just gave a chuckle. "Damn, you got that shit on video? I would even take the audio recording!" He started laughing and Kermit just laughed with him. He couldn't know, none of them could know. Liv always domineered Kermit and everyone that saw them together pulled his leg about it. This would only make it so much worse.
"Oh yeah, of course," Kermit said with a chuckle. "But I'm deleting it all when I go there tonight. We don't need that existing any longer than necessary."
"But won't that erase your evidence?" Barry countered with a grin.
"Maybe, but I'd rather lose evidence of a ghost than have evidence of me being a little bitch." He meant that too.
"Aw, I'm sure it wasn't that bad," Barry said, but the grin on his face indicated that was definitely a lie.
"It sure was that bad, and you know it you little squirt!"
"Hey, at least I tried!" Barry said with a laugh as he jumped out of the way before Kermit lunged at him. But Kermit stopped short, struck by the fear of how he felt watching her lunge towards him last night. Barry laughed as he ran away and Kermit watched his brother go, but he realized that there was definitely something different about him after that night. And… It was something bad.
Kermit sighed as he saw the sun was almost touching the roof of the neighbor's and went in to check the time.
The silence was deafening now. It used to be calm, but now it was just… He was constantly aware that it was silent. For better, for worse… He didn't quite know that yet.
But he didn't have time to focus and think about that. He just needed to get himself ready for work. For some reason, today doing that felt like such a chore. Sure, that shit just happened sometimes, but… Today it was definitely worse than always.
So he tried to fill the silence.
And he started to count.
Brush.
Swish.
Swallow.
He planned three steps. He finished brushing his teeth.
Swish.
Swallow.
No, not good enough.
Turn on water.
Fill Cup.
Sip.
Water was on.
Fill Cup.
Sip.
Swish.
Cup was filled.
Sip.
Swish.
Spit.
And so he continued with this. It filled a silence in his mind that he didn't realize existed before this. He still had that feeling of his heart beating with nerves, but he was just… Stressed right now.
Cut floss.
Floss.
Five on the top left. Four. Three. Two. One. Zero. Middle.
Five on the top right. Four. Three. Two. One. Zero.
Bottom left. Six. Five. Four. Three. Two. One. Middle.
Bottom right. Six. Five. Four. Three. Two. One.
Fill cup.
Swish.
Spit.
And onto his hair.
What else did he have to do?
Shirt on and two arm holes.
Two pant holes.
Two socks.
Two shoes. Put on left, tie, double knot. Put on right, tie, double knot.
Jacket with two arms.
Zipper.
Button. How many buttons were there? He was going to count them so he knew for the future.
Snap, snap, snap. The buttons were done and he was ready to go to work. Ready for work now, very good. He left the door and turned around to lock it. Now more than ever he had to make damn sure it was locked. Then the keys went in his pocket and he was on his way to work.
He pulled his badge out from his jacket pocket to make sure it was there. Now he was looking over his shoulder every once in a while. But thankfully, it went by without much of a hitch and he walked onto the hospital campus just as usual.
The front desk ladies greeted him with a smile and he smiled back at him, but… He wasn't feeling it today. Everyone had off days sometimes, it was just one. This too shall pass.
He scanned his card to be let into the patient buildings and went to check in for the day and head to his supervisor's office. She gave him the low-down while he was changing into his PPE – mask, goggles, gloves, and went to the cart. It was all so natural for him to do now. He made sure that all the cleaners were full and the supplies were in stock before he went off to start his shift.
It was an easy one to start. Thankfully there were no bodily fluids for him to have to clean in this room. But it would need to be fully sanitized after a patient was in here.
A lot of people turned up their noses at him for his job. Who would want to be a janitor, much less in a hospital? But it was honest work that paid well despite his age, and it was not all that bad. It certainly gave him some time to think to himself for a little bit.
The curtain to the other side of the room was closed, and he worked as quietly as possible to not disturb whoever was on the other side. He always did try to make it fast.
Kermit was disinfecting the trash can when he heard… Something that wasn't so common around here.
Music.
It was a girl, and she was singing a little song. Kermit stopped what he was doing for a moment, frozen there as he was staring at the curtain. Her voice… It was beautiful. He didn't really know the song she was singing, but she sounded like the birds that always were shown on TV. If anything, even nicer.
The music was a little quiet, but it was… Soothing. It stopped his mind for a moment, which had been running so quickly. She stopped for just a moment, and Kermit had completely frozen. Only when there was a moment of silence did he turn back to his job and continue. When the voice heard things shuffling around in the room over, she stopped. He didn't want her to stop, but it wasn't his business.
He started on the high-touch surfaces, focusing his mind back on the work, but it was wandering so quickly.
"We're just having fun. Like always."
"D-Don't hurt me."
No. He couldn't think about that now. He tried to remember the tune of the girl's song. It went something like… Hm… What was it?
Before he knew it, he was humming the melody softly. He didn't even notice that he was thinking about the music until a small sound snapped him out of it. From behind the curtain. The song resumed. From where he had left off, and not even known it. What a lovely voice, and a beautiful melody…
Kermit looked once more at the curtain and continued his work. He was putting off going into the bathroom just to hope he could hear a little more of the song. It was pretty short. But it was infectious.
Suddenly the door opened and Kermit jumped, putting a hand on his chest as he looked at the man that was quickly slipping through. He had messy brown hair, wore glasses, and looked tired.
"Coming through," he said softly, and crossed through the curtain.
"Dad," said the voice of the girl, and Kermit was scrubbing a little slowly. "Papa fell asleep."
A sigh. "About time."
"Eliezer?" came a groggy voice and there was another sigh.
"Algy, go back to sleep." He sighed and Kermit could hear him sit down.
Algy!? Kermit froze for a moment. The new mayor was here?! He was very quiet about his private life. Now he was even more curious.
"I can't-" and sure enough it was the mayor! Oh shit!
"If you don't, I'll just smush your face into the bed and make you."
"Dad, stop that."
"Cool your jets, it was mostly a joke." Mostly. "Your Uncle Clyde's the one that could suffocate a bitch and get away with it. Might have done it to our Mom honestly, I don't even know. All I know is that she showed up at Levon's house in a fuckin' tizz after Lars did his gay little thing and then she didn't show for his funeral, and literally was never heard from again. And that's saying something because the Victor showed up and hid in a little hood in the back."
"Elie."
"Please, she's heard way worse from my stupid brothers and she's seventeen, that's old enough to know the dirty family secrets!"
"I like the Uncles," she protested. "But also, he is right, Papa. I'll be fine for a little bit, it's not my first chemo session. I have a TV and the boy on the other side was singing with me."
"I have some work to do anyway-" started the mayor but was cut off.
"Wait, that boy?!"
Kermit wasn't sure what that was supposed to mean, but he still felt his face heating up a little bit. He quickly went back to scrubbing somewhat aggressively so it didn't seem like he was listening in, even though he totally was.
"Yes, Dad," she laughed. "Now shush."
"Oh, now you've done it, Die Nachtigall," said Mayor Algernon, and Kermit's face started to heat up even more if that was even possible and he got the sweats.
"Hold on!"
"No," said the girl, and Kermit was thankful for that. He made his way to the bathroom pretty damn fast after that, not sure if he really wanted to hear what they were saying about him or not, but he was leaning towards not.
Back to the monotony of the job. At least this bathroom was left in a pretty good state. He couldn't say the same about most of the bathrooms he cleaned, but it was all in a day's work.
He felt his hands sting in the gloves holding a bottle wrong and winced.
He could hear her laughter. It rang in his fucking ears. It made his heart start to race thinking about the look in her eyes as she was coming closer to him and he was completely helpless, backing away from her.
The song.
He thought about the song. And how light her voice sounded for the few seconds he could hear her singing… and that made things feel a little better for a moment. It made his body calm down a little bit. So that was what he thought about as he was scrubbing the toilet with a brush. That voice. The song. He could hear it clearly in his mind. And it made him feel better.
This time he knew he was humming it. But it made his mind silent for a moment. So he went ahead and continued, trying to see if he could finish the song and try to remember how it ended. He reached the end of what he could remember and paused, trying to think about it for a moment.
It was quiet since he was back in the bathroom, but he could just barely hear it because the door was open and he was somewhat close to it. The last notes to finish the song.
And he smiled.
"Such a lovely voice you have," hummed the mayor.
"She gets it from her Papa," said the gruffer voice.
"You have a good voice too Dad," said the girl, little Nightingale.
"He's good at everything," said the mayor.
Kermit wasn't even sure he knew that the mayor was gay before this whole… Thing. Whatever was happening. He just knew that he had the song. And the song made him feel… Better.
So he held onto the song as he continued to scrub the bathroom, and went through the rest of the steps. The other side of the room had gone quiet as the Mayor had finally fallen back asleep and outside of the occasional hum, the only sound coming from the room was the TV playing some Games special quietly and the sound of a pencil scratching on a notebook with an occasional flip of a page.
He got the rest of his job done in a timely manner, as much as he didn't want to. He had to move onto the next, though. He had to sanitize and clean the rooms so that they could continue to be used for patients. When he opened the door to the second room, he could smell it even through his mask.
Oh it was going to be a long one.
But as he cleaned, he didn't think about the unnerving grin, the glint of the night in the dim light of her apartment.
He just thought about that little song, and the little voice that sang it.
He didn't even know the name of Little Nightingale, or even a little bit of her story. But that day she had given him a real and true gift. A little song that would make the time go by just a little easier.
And he would never be able to thank her for it.
~.~.
It had been about a week. A whole week without Liv.
It was the most horrible week of his life.
The song was nice, but didn't last. Little Nightingale must have finished her treatment, because he never met her again. Nor did he hear her sing. And without them, he just felt an empty, lonely pit in his stomach. He felt like nothing without being able to go on a new adventure with her. See the softer sides of her that she didn't show to others… It was all he ever wanted to be – somebody to someone, and then somebody to her.
He was walking back home slowly from his work in the dusk. It was a tough day – a few messy, stinky rooms for him to disinfect and sanitize. And he barely talked to anyone at all without her. In the daytime, he was a quiet guy, he didn't have anyone else.
"Hey, Fisher!"
Kermit jumped hearing the voice and looked around. "I-Woah. Wait." He looked around, but the streets of the residential area were empty, the wind blowing quietly.
"Up here."
"Oh," Kermit said when he finally found the boy that was sitting up on the roof, looking at him, a cigarette lit up in his hand as he took a small sip of air out of the end and blew the smoke out into the air. "Hey Ivan."
"You look down. Liv finally get to you?"
Kermit crossed his arms as he was looking up at him on the roof. "What? No. We're fine." They… weren't… Really fine.
"Uh huh. I haven't caught you two on the bike like maniacs down these parts. I've actually been sleeping through the night without a motor waking up my whole family." He let out a puff of air in a laugh and then relaxed against the side of his house.
"Yeah yeah," Kermit grumbled, but he was right. "I didn't realize you were creeping on us."
"I just spend a lot of time up here on the roof," Ivan said with a shrug. "I see lots of things. Know a lot of business."
"Alright, that's enough, do you just want to gloat or what?" Kermit asked him.
"I was just curious," he said with a shrug. "I'll have to pass it onto Georgy."
"Oh please," Kermit chuckled. Georgy was just known for crushing on everyone in the class above him, one by one. It was such a small school area that everyone knew when it happened. But of course Ivan was the cooler Kasser sibling by far as he was a year older than them. "It's just complicated."
"Complicated. Math is complicated. Relationships are either good, or they're dead." Ivan just shrugged, but Kermit didn't want to listen to him.
"Good night, Ivan," Kermit said, putting his hands in his pockets. They still weren't fully healed. Maybe they would never fully heal and he would have these scars forever.
No.
Healing was possible. He was going to heal. He just had to… Keep up thinking about the song. Or…. Something.
So he walked towards his house slowly.
What was the point? The longer he walked the more he knew that Ivan was right. Relationships were either alive, or they were dead. And this relationship was way past the point of death.
He was back to being a small, unimpressive, but by all means… Normal boy. He would get up in the morning, go to school. Do what he was supposed to, complete the tasks in an order that was logical. Take care of his siblings.
But without her, it all felt so… Gray. Some days, he only ever lived for those brief few hours at the end of the day that he would get to see her. What was he outside of that? Sure, he was still alive, but he didn't really have a future. He didn't really have friends. He kept to himself – that was one of the things that drew her to him. He was a bit of a lone wolf and so was she. They really connected over that.
And now he could say in all honesty that he just felt numb. Not even sad anymore, just… Numb.
But numb was worse than sad. At least when he was sad, he had something that could get him out of it. But now that he was numb, everything just deflected straight off of him. And yet, nobody would ever know how dead he felt behind the eyes.
He counted his footsteps, trying to see how many he did in a normal stride before hitting a crack.
One two three four five – crack.
One two three four – crack.
One two three four five six, half – crack.
He tried to aim to put the center of his foot against the crack each time.
One two three four five – crack.
One two three four five – crack.
Oh yes.
The counting made time seem to go by faster. Maybe it just made him aware that he wasn't frozen in the clutches of time. Nobody could ever freeze him in time. Time didn't stop. And each second that went by was another second closer to a time that he didn't fucking feel this way. The seconds flew away like blackbirds into the growing darkness brought about by the dusk and Kermit passed a familiar landmark.
How long from here? Five minutes? 300 seconds. Each step was over a second of time, so that meant that by 300 steps he would be home.
One, two, three, four, five. Two-ninety-five left to go, or less, seven, eight, nine, one ninety, eleven, twelve… He counted. Something, anything to keep his mind from thinking and worrying about the lonely night he was going to have. He couldn't change it. So he just had to try to distract himself. Distract himself from the thoughts by thinking about distracting himself, by counting, and searching for another landmark. And that was what brought him home.
He looked up when he saw the familiar lights of his neighborhood and watched the doors go by, counting the steps between each. And then of course, he finally reached his front door. When Mom saw him coming, she opened the door for him, smiling in that way of hers that screamed exhaustion.
"Quietly, Dad's sleeping," she said softly as she gently pulled the door closed behind him, quietly closing the latch by slowly moving the knob once the handle was closed.
"Thanks Mom." She was always there to greet him. Dad tried to stay up for it, he really did, but he just worked too much and it took so much out of him. At least Barry and Lilian were there to greet him when he got home every day. Kermit would hopefully get to catch up with him on the weekend.
"Dinner's waiting for you on the table," she told him in a hushed voice, grabbing his cheekies to give him a kiss. Sometimes Kermit protested – he was sixteen, he was too old to be kissed by his mother like that – but today he just needed it.
"Thanks," he said again as he went over to sit at the table.
Martha smiled sadly as she thought for a moment before going over to sit down next to her kid. She pushed some of his dark hair away from his face. "Are you okay?" she asked. "You seem a little down lately."
Kermit looked at her for a moment as he spooned some soup into his mouth and he could feel his lip quiver. "I'm alright," he said softly.
She frowned because of course she could tell he wasn't actually as okay as he acted. "What happened?" she asked.
Kermit just shrugged, subconsciously pulling his sleeves over his hand. "Nothing." She would freak the fuck out and maybe have a heart attack, and even though he was a janitor at the hospital, there was no way he could foot the bill for her staying there.
"Girl problems?" she asked.
Kermit shrugged a little bit but he couldn't speak, it would betray the emotions in his voice. He just whispered a little bit. "Yeah," he said softly. That was an understatement and he didn't know what he got himself into.
"I'm sorry," Mom said sympathetically. She was cooing a little bit – almost as if it was an elementary school girl that told him she thought his shirt was ugly, and not… Not what he'd been through. In that moment, looking into her brown eyes that were identical to his own, he almost spit out the truth. Livi went totally blank for a moment, it was like she was someone else, she cut me, she laughed, and I'm scared. But he couldn't make himself spit it out to her. Not when she looked so obviously stressed and tired, awake and listening to him out of her own personal obligation to be a good mother rather than actually wanting to listen.
"I'll get over it. I'm a kid." He didn't feel like much of a kid anymore. His childhood went away when he started working. But for a while, sneaking out and running around doing crazy and slightly dumb shit with Livi made him feel like he'd reclaimed a part of his childhood that he lost from being so responsible all the time. And they were only young once.
"There are plenty of fish in the sea, love. It took me five boyfriends before I found the right one for me."
"Only five?" Kermit asked, and he forced his lips up into a smile. It was a dead smile in front of dead fucking eyes. She knew it. He knew it. But she patted his cheek.
"That's a story for another day. When Dad's out of the house and won't be there to get too jealous." She winked. She said things like this sometimes. But that day never came. Because there was no such thing as a vacation in order to keep all three kids and two adults well-fed and healthy. Kermit had learned to stop hoping.
"Sure," he said, willing to delude himself into believing it was candor when he truly knew better. "Another day."
"I mean it this time." She didn't and they both knew it. But she just kissed the top of his head. "Alright honey. Good night. Come get us if you need anything." She said that, but then neither would ever stir. They were just too exhausted, and it wasn't their fault. Besides, it used to let Kermit actually enjoy his youth a little bit when they slept so soundly.
"I will," Kermit lied again. "Night. Love ya."
"Love you too." Mom smiled and looked at him for one more moment before she went to bed. That was all she could do for him, and he knew that it took everything out of her to sit up for even ten extra minutes just to be with him. He appreciated it for what it was to her, but it wasn't enough for what it was. He slowly finished his dinner. At least he could finally go to bed himself. Then he wouldn't have to think about it anymore. Just as long as he didn't have any… Dreams.
He did his nighttime routine, this time thoroughly as he was getting used to not leaving in the night anymore. Barry just watched him silently, before he curled up himself when the lights went out. The book sat on the nightstand, untouched. He just wasn't really feeling like reading anymore. He didn't really feel like doing anything anymore except for sleeping.
He couldn't sleep.
One. Two. Three. He wrote them in his head as he counted.
He spelled them.
He made patterns with them.
He did anything he could to keep his anxious heart from worrying about nightmares. If he worried about them, he would certainly get them. And he was so damn tired, he just couldn't afford for that right now.
But sleep was being stubborn. He knew that reading would make him more tired, but he felt too exhausted to even do that.
Until a rock hit his window, and sent him jolting awake. Before he could even think if it was a mistake, another followed quickly.
"Kerm?" asked Barry groggily as Kermit was hurriedly putting on his slippers.
"Shush," said Kermit. "Go back to sleep."
Barry knew, but he rolled back over with a sleepy mumble of "Whatever."
Kermit opened the window and sure enough, there she was. Hands tucked behind her back, eyes slightly teary. "Liv?" he said in a loud whisper.
Alivia frowned and looked at him with sad eyes. "We need to talk."
Kermit's heart started to pound in fear, but he had never seen her like this before. So… Vulnerable. So he couldn't make himself say no to her. He slowly opened the window and slipped out of it just like he was so used to. But this time he didn't go far. He just stood against the side of their small sorry excuse for a house, leaning against the ivy. Away from her.
"Kermit…" she said softly as she looked at him but kept her distance away from her. "I miss you…"
Kermit frowned as he looked at her looking like that and then at his hands. "I mean…" he said. "I miss you too, but…"
"I know," she said, sniffling as she was crying a little bit. "I don't know what happened that night. There's something wrong with me. I don't know how to even explain it, it's shit in my brain."
Kermit frowned at her. "Liv…"
"I can't control it. But I ended up hurting you because of it. It's selfish to even come back here. But I need you."
Kermit stared at her for a moment, not sure how to feel but seeing her cry made his eyes tear up for her. This was his best friend, they went on so many adventures together, and… Well, she was a special girl to him. A special person. His only person. "I…"
"Without you I've just…" she shook her head. "All I can think of is that a world without you isn't worth even living in. I need you." She slowly sunk down to the ground. "Please."
Kermit shook his head a little bit in disbelief, trying to process that. Liv… Thinking about that? "Liv, no."
"I don't even see a point. You are the only good thing that's ever happened to me. Good things don't happen to me, okay? Then you happened. You're the only thing I have. Nobody else treats me like you. And it's not fair to ask you to deal with me but I have to hear what you say before I decide."
"Decide?" Kermit asked, his eyes widening because he couldn't let her leave now… Whatever she did by herself would all be his fault. And of course… This was someone he really loved. The thought of something bad happening to her and not being there to stop it was a new fear he never knew he would have to fear. Looking at her crying like this and breaking made the pain in his hands seem so much smaller – it was going away anyways.
"Yeah," she said softly, staring at the ground. "You're my light. My only light. I have nothing left for me here."
Kermit shook his head, his cheeks a little wet and he didn't even notice he was crying because he was so focused on her. He went over to her right away. It was something wrong with her mind, with her health, but having the real Liv right here back with him made it impossible to cast her away. He just knelt next to her on the ground and wrapped his arms around her. "We're going to figure this out," he said softly as he pulled her into his chest a little bit. "I know that wasn't you."
"I just scare everyone away, the good things always just go away!" she said with a sob into the night.
"No," Kermit said. Everyone else left her, well he wasn't like them. He would be better than them, for her. He was going to stay by her side, regardless, and not let her scare him away. "This good thing's not going anywhere," he said to her as he pressed his face into her hair. "I'm not budging."
"I just hurt everyone I touch," Liv said, shaking her head.
"You came back for a reason," Kermit said. "Because you are Liv. Whatever happened that night wasn't you. We'll figure it out. I'm here and I'm going to help you and I'm going to make everything better." Could he really do that? He was going to put all his energy into it. He was going to make his life purpose helping her. It was a purpose that was special, that meant a lot to him.
"Kermit…"
"I'm serious," he said right away, pulling up her face and it was such a different side of her than he was used to seeing. But he felt special that he got to see it, and know her deep vulnerability. "I'm not leaving you, Alivia. You're my person. I love you." They say love is pain, well darling… They were hurting tonight.
Liv stared at him with her eyes full of tears for a second. "I…" she said, but he didn't look away from her, holding strong contact with her teary eyes. "I love you too," she said, grabbing onto his shirt and staring at him. "Thank you. I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt you. I'll never hurt you again. I love you." She crumpled a little bit into his arms.
Something changed in him hearing her say that. Seeing her smile a little bit at him through her tears. He made her feel better. He was saving her life by being her good thing. The only good thing, he was special to her because he was there when everyone else gave up. He was selfless to her. He was her hero. He never felt like this, he never was that to anyone else. But he liked it. And it made him happy.
And he loved her.
"Come on. The night's still young. Let's go somewhere and do something fun." He grinned and she reached up to wipe her eyes as she went back towards her bike.
And things felt okay again. That one instance wasn't going to change things because Kermit was going to show her he loved her that much. To let her mistakes be bygones, act like they never existed. It was what was good for her. It would make her happy. He would do about anything to make her happy, he knew that now. It was because he loved her!
He knew her.
He saw all the sides of her.
But it didn't worry him. He was riding on the back of the bike but he knew that he was doing something amazing just by being there for her.
He tucked his hands around her, the cuts hidden under the flaps of her jacket. Out of sight, out of mind, all forgiven, all fine.
It was a blip, but from here it was all going to get better .
He just had to show her how much he loved her. Then everything was going to change and that would never happen again.
It just took a little bit of love.
I can fix her.
~.~.
A/N: Realizing why it's called Intro "Hell."
Next Chapter: Skip to District Seven for a little twink mailman that doesn't have a name.
