Fractures in the Grin
The next morning, Itsuki woke up. His head was pounding, his throat felt dry. And his eyes hurt.
Ugh, what time is it? He glanced at the alarm clock. 11:45 a.m.
Crap. I'm late for work. Oh well. Whatever. It's just half an hour.
Itsuki got up, groaning in frustration. His body felt like a bag of sand, weighing him down.
After forcing himself to eat breakfast, he took a quick shower, so he wouldn't be even later.
This'll have to do. He thought while getting out of the shower and brushing his teeth.
Itsuki grabbed the keys, locked the apartment door, and went to his car. He started the engine, the growl almost mocking his bad mood.
His foot was pressing down on the accelerator a bit more than necessary, speeding towards the gas station.
I hate working on Saturdays... But at least I can look forward to the Speed Stars meeting tonight. That'll be fun. Might even win a race. But probably not. I'll just make a fool of myself again...
When he arrived at work, Iketani was already standing there, his face not exactly showing a smile.
Great, he's already pissed. Can't I just turn around and go back home?
"You're late! Where were you?!"
"Sorry, I overslept. My alarm didn't go off."
"Yeah, right. Get your ass over here and help with the gas. Kenji is on break."
He changed into his uniform and got to work.
After Kenji returned from his break, the first few hours passed uneventful. But Itsuki failed to maintain his usual cheerful facade fully.
Him and Kenji were cleaning a customer's car, while Iketani was refueling it. Wiping the slight layer of dirt off the car felt like what he wished he could do with his mind. It was foggy with a blizzard of far too many emotions to even comprehend any of them.
"Itsuki, you okay?" Kenji asked, ripping him out of his thoughts.
"What? Uh, yeah. Why do you ask?"
"Well, you're awfully quiet. Did something happen? You've been acting weird."
"I'm fine, dude. Just focusing on tonight's race." Itsuki gave him a convincing excited and smug smile. They finished cleaning and refueling.
As if you cared. All you ever do is make fun of me. Not once have you shown any interest in my well being. Sorry for not being obnoxiously cheerful after my only friend told me she almost committed suicide, and was forced into a marriage with an abusive psychopath, who hurt her in ways I cannot even imagine. You're only pissed because you can't laugh at me today.
The car drove away.
"Hey, Kenji! Ready for tonight's race?" Iketani interrupted.
"You bet I am! I'll beat you this time!" Kenji got excited, forgetting all about the previous conversation.
And I thought they find my over the top cheerfulness annoying... But like I said, no one cares. They don't even know I have any problems in my life. The clown never struggles with anything, right?
Itsuki returned to sweeping the floor, ignoring the rest of the conversation.
The next two hours passed, feeling like five. The storm in his head was still raging on. Itsuki and Iketani were on break, while Kenji kept working.
"Hey, Itsuki. What's up? It's not like you to be so quiet and calm," Iketani started.
"I'm fine. Just not feeling very chatty today, is all." Itsuki waved him off, while walking to his car. He had to get something.
"You're not getting out of this so easily, Itsuki. Talk."
"I told you, I'm fine." He opened the passenger door to grab something from the glovebox. Iketani was quiet.
When Itsuki turned around, he saw his coworker smirking, his gaze fixed on the rearview mirror.
"What?"
"The hair tie," he laughed.
"What about it?" Itsuki was confused.
"It's obviously not yours. So, what are you doing with it? Why do you have it in your car?"
"Oh. It belongs to a friend." He shrugged, genuinely unfazed.
"Who's the lucky lady?" He wiggled his eyebrows, and Itsuki sighed.
"Not important."
I'm not gonna tell you. You don't even know her. And even if you did, I'm not gonna just tell you about her past. Which is the reason she was in my car in the first place.
"C'mon, Itsuki. Tell me."
"No. Drop it."
"What are you guys talking about?" Kenji came closer, overhearing the last part.
"Itsuki's love life."
"Iketani!"
"Talking about non-existent stuff then, huh? Who is it? Tell us. Is she hot?"
Great, now they won't leave me alone. Fuck my life.
"Drop it."
"Oh, c'mon, Itsuki."
"No. I won't tell you. You wouldn't even know her."
"We're not gonna stop, until you spill. We won't shut up until you talk."
"Fine! A friend I haven't heard from since high school. Called me last night, we hung out. She must've lost the hair tie, and I'll give it back the next time I see her."
"You 'hung out'? In the middle of the night?"
Oh my god, are we seriously going there now?
"No, Kenji. Nothing like that happened." Itsuki rolled his eyes, annoyed.
"Wait... The real Itsuki would be bragging about a girl in his passenger seat, regardless of what happened or didn't. He'd just lie in that case. Dude, where's Itsuki and what have you done to him?" Iketani questioned.
"Huh?" Itsuki was genuinely confused.
Is it that weird that I'm not bragging about it? I don't see the big deal, just an old friend who needed a shoulder to cry on. They act like I'm a total pervert or something.
"Are you really Itsuki?" Kenji asked, concerned.
Oh my god. These guys are idiots.
"Yes. What is wrong with you?"
"But you're never this quiet and serious. And you're not all excited about a girl. Something's definitely wrong with you," Iketani noted.
They're acting as if I'd jump any female human being that's just breathing. Do they really think I'm that pathetic and perverted? I'm respectful and not some kind of animal. Maybe they're projecting or something...
"Maybe he grew up a bit after all." Kenji grinned. "But seriously, man. A girl calling you in the middle of the night, wanting to go for a drive? Sounds like she was pretty desperate for—"
"Kenji, shut the fuck up. If you say another word, I will kick your ass. You have no idea what she's been through, or why she called me. So, keep your fucking mouth shut and stay out of my business." Itsuki's patience snapped.
Both men were stunned into silence.
That's it. I've had enough. These assholes.
Itsuki walked away, to the bathroom. He locked himself in a stall and sat down, his back against the door, burying his face in his hands.
What the hell?! How dare they assume Nelly is some cheap whore?! She's my friend. She was vulnerable, and she needed help. So I helped her. I comforted her, and talked her out of it. I saved her life. And all those fuckers do is assume, simply because she's a girl and I'm a guy. Why can't they just mind their own damn business? I mean, what would've been their reaction, if I'd told them the truth? I bet their disgusting smiles would've vanished.
Itsuki took a deep breath and pulled his hands down his face.
I'm sorry, Nells. I should've defended you better. But these guys are idiots, and I'm not gonna take it anymore. Their ignorance, their immaturity, their disrespect, their assumption. Everything. I'm fine with them mocking me. But letting them make fun of you, belittling your struggles and invalidating them... That's where I draw the line. I'm sorry, but the next time they do that, I'll let them see how messed up they are. I hope you'll forgive me.
"Itsuki, where are you?" He could hear Kenji's voice.
"I'm in the bathroom, leave me alone."
"Why'd you freak out on me?"
"You know why."
"But why did it trigger you so much?"
"It's none of your business, really. Just drop it."
Kenji's smirk became audible. "Is it because she left before you could—"
"Kenji, would you shut the hell up?!" Itsuki's anger was growing. "I'm not kidding. If you want your ass to remain unbeaten, you'll drop the subject. I'm serious. You have no idea, what you're talking about."
"What happened?"
"You know what? Fine. Let me spell it out for you, idiot. The girl you assumed was 'desperate for a man's attention', almost killed herself last night. I went to be there for her to talk. So, excuse me if I'm not in the mood to joke around, and don't appreciate your shitty humor. You have no idea what kind of hell she's been through."
"Oh... I'm sorry—but, where do you even know her from?" Kenji sounded stunned and a bit overwhelmed.
"High school, you dumbass. We used to be best friends. Until I became an idiot and abandoned her."
"Wait—do you mean that French girl everyone said you were dating in 10th grade, and then dumped her because they made fun of you?"
Everyone did assume we were a thing, huh? Great. Thanks for making me look like a heartless bastard. Which I was, to be honest...
"Dutch, actually. And she wasn't my girlfriend, and I didn't dump her. We were good friends, that's all. I was an idiot and pushed her away. Now, can you please leave me alone?"
"Yeah. Sorry."
Kenji left the room and Itsuki stayed a little longer, trying to pull himself together.
I have two hours left, then I can go. This day sucks.
He sighed and took a deep breath, preparing mentally to go back.
After a while, Itsuki left the bathroom.
The next two hours dragged on forever. His mind was filled with guilt and rage. He was absentminded for most of work. They had a moderate amount of customers that day.
When his shift finally ended, he got changed and was about to leave, when Iketani stopped him.
"Itsuki. Sorry about earlier."
"Don't worry about it. It's whatever."
"So... Will you come to the race tonight?"
"Wouldn't miss it for the world. You know, there's no way you'll beat me!" Itsuki forced a smirk.
"Oh, really? You're not even racing me tonight. I'd wipe that smug grin right off your face."
"You wish. See ya."
"See ya."
Itsuki turned around and walked to his car. He started it and drove off. His fingers kept digging into the wheel, something was bothering him.
On the way to his place, his eyes spotted the hair tie again.
Right, I have to bring that back.
He changed the direction and drove towards Nelly's house.
When he arrived, he took the hair tie off the mirror and exited the car. He rang the doorbell. The familiar bark of Nelly's dog sounded after the doorbell.
This sure feels like back in 10th grade... He thought while the warm blanket of nostalgia wrapped around him, disturbed by the sharp blade of guilt.
The door opened, and a young woman was standing there. He almost didn't recognize her.
Is that... Wait, what was her name again? Nelly's older sister, right?
"Who are—wait, I know you. You're that boy Nelly used to hang out with, right? Her secret boyfriend at the time, or something."
Her what?!
"We weren't dating," he laughed, awkwardly. "Is Nelly here?"
"Sure, I'll get her." The woman turned around to call out to her sister, grinning. "Nelly! Your secret lover is here!"
Oh my—what is it with everyone still thinking that? We weren't dating.
"The hell are you talking about, Emily?!" The girl in his age rushed down the stairs.
"Hi, Nells." He smiled at his friend.
"Itsuki? What are you doing here?" Her long hair stopped flowing when she arrived downstairs.
"I'm just dropping this off. You must've lost it last night." He held up the hair tie.
"Oh, thanks. But why bring it now and not just next time we meet? I have like 20 more of those, you know?" Nelly took the hair tie reluctantly. Then her face softened a bit at the rubber band in her hand.
Uhm... That's actually a very good question. No idea...
"I wanted to make sure I wouldn't forget it."
Then Itsuki noticed the wide smirk on Emily's face.
Damn it, probably should've worded that differently...
"Em, I've told you then, and I'm telling you again now; Itsuki is not my boyfriend. Never was, and never will be."
Thanks, Nells. At least one person isn't delusional.
"I was just kidding, sis. Jeez, learn to take a joke." Emily rolled her eyes, before disappearing upstairs again.
"I'm sorry about her."
"It's fine, no worries. Anyway, I have to go. I still have some preparations to make."
"Where are you going?"
"Speed Stars meeting."
"Speed Stars?"
"Yeah, our racing team. The Akina Speed Stars. We race on the mountain road."
"You're a street racer?" Nelly looked surprised.
I didn't tell her? That's usually the first thing people get to hear from me...
"Uh, yeah. I'm not the best, but I'm getting there. Just a hobby, you know."
Itsuki caught himself not putting on the mask of confidence as he usually would. It felt strange, but it would've felt even weirder to use his fake arrogance on her.
"I didn't know you're a street racer."
"Well, it's not like we've spoken since high school, right? Besides the conversation yesterday, but that wouldn't have fit in it."
"Yeah, right. Anyway, sorry for taking up your time. You probably have to go now."
"No rush. Uhm... How are you feeling? After the drive last night, what you told me... Are you doing okay?"
"Yeah, I'm alright. Still not fully over everything that happened. But I'll manage. I just wish it wasn't so hard, you know?"
"I understand. I'm glad you're feeling better. I'm here if you need anything, Nells. Just give me a call, okay?"
"Thank you, Itsuki."
"Don't mention it."
"Oh, and have fun racing. Maybe I'll come and watch some time."
"Yeah, that'd be nice. So, I gotta go now. See ya, Nelly."
"Bye, Itsuki." Nelly smiled and waved. But before she could close the door, Itsuki remembered something.
I told her not to hurt herself until next time we meet. That's now. She's alive and relatively well. Gotta keep it that way. He stepped closer.
"Hey, wait." He stopped her from closing the door by putting his foot between it and the doorframe. The material of his sneakers gave in to the wood of the old house's door.
Damn, that hurt a bit more than I anticipated—maybe people who do that wear more stable shoes...? Either way, better my foot than her wrists. He didn't let his pain be seen.
"Huh?" Her confused eyes moved up from the door handle to his eyes again, while she opened the door wider once more.
"Promise me not to harm yourself in any way until we meet again, okay?" He lowered his voice, making sure Nelly's sister and mother didn't hear.
"Okay. I promise."
They shared a smile.
"Great. Thanks, Nells. See ya."
"Bye."
They waved and the door closed.
Itsuki went to his car and started driving to his apartment.
I wonder, would she have gone through with it, if I didn't pick up the phone? Would she be dead, had I missed her call? No, don't think about that. You're here now, and she's alive. That's all that matters. I don't like how she's lying about feeling alright, but I can't expect her full trust.
Itsuki arrived at his place. He unlocked the door and walked in. His parents weren't home, the silence pretty calming.
He changed and started preparing for the race.
