"Sometimes I feel like I don't know who I am."
Lainey's eyebrows rose in surprise. Willow hadn't been seated longer than a few seconds before those words tumbled out of her mouth. Clearly she'd been thinking of that for a while now.
"Why do you think that?" Lainey asked.
A heavy sigh escaped Willow as she slumped against the chair. "I've just been experiencing so many emotions that it's hard to find stability," she said.
"Okay…can you start from the beginning?" Lainey gently questioned her as she readied herself to begin taking notes for their session.
Willow picked at her cuticles, a nervous habit she's had since she was a child. "For starters…we—my boyfriend, my family, and I—went to the hospital recently to visit Aaron. He had a heart defect and he was having trouble breathing, so he needed to have surgery to fix it so he can have a better quality of life. While we were there, one of his aunts was, too, and she went on a date with my boyfriend before I came to town."
Willow swallowed nervously, averting her eyes from Lainey as she remembered how envious she felt, how for a split second she was terrified that Lena was going to take Chase from her. She felt stupid saying it out loud, but she knew that she needed to do this, so she continued: "I was so jealous of her for a moment. I mean, Lena's beautiful, successful—she's a fashion designer at Crimson, the company where my mother is CEO—, kind, and just all around a good person and obviously my boyfriend felt something strong for her if he wanted to go on a date with her…"
Lainey nodded, understanding dawning on her as she wrote down a few quick notes. "I see…are you afraid that Lena will try to reunite with your boyfriend?" She asked.
Willow shook her head. "No," she answered. "She's in love with someone else and my boyfriend is in love with me, it's just…" She trailed off and Lainey waited patiently.
"I'm just afraid. I mean…" Willow felt confused and upset, her mind scrambling to form a coherent thought.
"Willow," Lainey began when she noticed that the younger woman was beginning to spiral. She waited for her to look up before continuing in a reassuring voice: "Remember what we talked about? You're going at your own pace, not anyone else's. Take your time; you're in control here."
Willow took in a deep breath before exhaling slowly, trying to calm her nerves. When she felt like she could continue, she said: "I just feel lost, I…I'm insecure and jealous of a woman who my boyfriend hasn't even looked at since we started dating, I feel like I still need to protect a child when he's not mine, I'm upset that my best friend is pregnant when I should be happy for her, and to top it all off, being a nurse doesn't feel right to me anymore."
"Okay," Lainey began in a soothing voice. "Let's take this apart piece by piece. First, why do you feel so insecure and jealous when this woman only had one date with your boyfriend and they hadn't been in a committed relationship?"
"I…" Willow stammered. "I don't know, I just…I feel like he could realize that Lena comes with less baggage and eventually he'll get tired of dealing with mine."
Lainey nodded in understanding. "So you're afraid that you'll lose him like you've lost everything else in your life," she said.
Willow nodded. "I've lost everything good in my life until recently," she said with a sniffle. "I don't think I could handle losing Chase, my boyfriend, after everything we've been through together. He's given me so much and he doesn't even know the full extent."
"Have you discussed this with him?" Lainey asked.
Willow shook her head. "No," she admitted. "I was afraid to."
"Why?"
"I don't know…maybe he'd think I was silly or dismiss me."
"Has he ever done that to you before?"
Willow felt embarrassed as she answered: "No. He never has."
And he hasn't. No matter what she's told him, Chase always gave her his undivided attention and always let her say her piece; there was never a time in which he refused to listen to her or thought what she wanted to tell him was ridiculous or worth ignoring.
"Then why do you believe that he would dismiss you?" Lainey asked softly.
"Because that's all I've known," Willow whispered, her voice so low that the psychiatrist almost couldn't hear her.
Lainey waited patiently.
Willow looked up at the ceiling for a moment, her eyes stinging with tears. Looking back at Lainey, she continued: "My mom—Harmony—wouldn't listen to me or my dad—Douglas—because what we had to say wasn't anything that she wanted to hear. We both begged her, I begged her, to settle in one place so we could finally have a stable life and she didn't listen. It didn't matter how miserable I was or how disappointed my dad got…she just ignored us every time.
"It got to the point where we didn't even try anymore because we knew the answer would be the same. Then when Shiloh—" she swallowed the scream that instantly built in her chest when she thought of that monster. "When he led me to that room that night, I didn't want the tattoo and then I didn't want him to kiss me, but he ignored that, too.
"Harmony refused to take me out of that cult because of who she believed she was at that point. She dismissed Dad every time he tried to reason with her, to tell her that letting me be under that monster's radar was a mistake and was damaging me instead of helping me…she just didn't care…"
Willow couldn't continue after that, bowing her head for a moment as sobs wracked her body. Lainey watched her with sympathetic eyes.
After a good five minutes, Willow finally returned her gaze to her therapist's, her face blotchy and eyes red and sore with the tears she already shed and were continuing to slide down her face.
"No one's ever made me feel the way that Chase does: so valued and heard," she said, her voice a sniffled whine. "But I'm just so terrified that I'm going to do something that could make him change his mind."
"Willow," Lainey said softly. "Your fear is valid. With everything you went through, this reaction became your defense mechanism, a way to block the hurt so it didn't overwhelm you, but you don't have to feel that way anymore. Your mother Nina, your friends, your boyfriend…they all love you, they all hear you, and they all will protect you."
"I know," Willow replied in a watery hiccup. "I know and I love them so much and I believe them, I just—" She reached for the box of tissues and blew her nose with a few of them before drying her tears with the rest.
"It's a process, Willow," Lainey told her. "Some days you feel invincible, like you're turning a corner and then the next few days you feel as if you've hit rock bottom and can't fight your way back up. It's worse when you've experienced trauma and learn to brace yourself for the worst in order to shield yourself if it occurs. But you'll get through this. You're strong and you have a good support system now and if you confide in your boyfriend, you'll find that all of your fears, while valid, are unfounded with him."
Willow nodded, staring at her.
"Tell me about the other things," Lainey continued. "About still feeling like you have to protect a child that isn't yours."
Willow sighed, her back slumping against the chair. "When my best friend called to tell me that Aaron was in the hospital for a genetic heart defect, I felt like my own stopped beating for a moment and then all of those protective maternal instincts reared their ugly heads, especially when we got there and found out that his mother initially didn't want to sign the consent form for his surgery," she said.
'I do not appreciate your choice of words,' Maternal Willow snapped in her mind. 'My head is not ugly!'
Rational Willow cackled gleefully. 'I think it's funny,' she crowed.
'You would, you heartless cow.'
'Ha! And you claim that your head isn't ugly!'
Willow rubbed her temple in frustration. She wondered if she could get rid of these voices by asking for medication…
'Good luck with that, honey. We're not going anywhere.'
'Leave her alone!'
'I thought you were upset with her for calling your head ugly?'
'That doesn't mean you need to antagonize her! We're supposed to help protect her, not further stress her out!'
'And we do,' Rational Willow replied seriously. 'So don't take what she said so personally.'
That finally silenced Maternal Willow and Willow sighed in relief when both voices retreated to their corners.
"Why would Aaron's mother refuse to sign his surgery consent form?" Lainey's puzzled question brought Willow back to reality.
"Because she was afraid…or so she says," Willow answered. "I still think she was being selfish and not wanting him to have a better quality of life just to stick it to his father." The bitter rage in her voice was palpable, her fists clenching as she remembered Nelle's words in the hospital.
"You said that she initially didn't want to sign the consent form," Lainey said. "That means that she eventually changed her mind and chose to sign them."
Willow sighed. "Yeah, we have Michael's cousin to thank for that. Michael being my friend and Aaron's father, I mean," she answered.
"So if your friend's cousin managed to convince Aaron's mother to sign the consent form for Aaron's surgery, why do you still feel that you need to protect him from her?" Lainey asked. There was no judgment in her voice, just curiosity so she can understand what her patient is thinking.
"Because of how she didn't even want to sign it in the first place!" Willow burst out in frustration. "She uses him all the time to manipulate my friend and his family, first by switching him with my baby and lying that he was dead and now by initially refusing him a surgery that could improve his quality of life! What kind of mother does that?!" Her fury was re-ignited and all she wanted to do was take Aaron and get him as far away from that blonde demon as possible.
"Willow, calm down," Lainey told her. "Take a few deep breaths…repeat after me, okay?" She breathed in and out slowly, watching Willow repeat her actions until the younger woman's anger dissipated. Then, the psychiatrist continued: "I understand how frustrating it must feel for you to see another mother treat her child in a way that you never would."
"She's lucky that her baby is still alive," Willow whispered, her eyes filling with tears again. "And she acts so flippant about what happens to him…how could anyone do that when other women have lost their children?"
Lainey nodded. "Is that why you feel like you still have to protect your friend's son? Because you lost your own?" She asked gently, cautious with her word choice as she knew how delicate her patient's emotional state was.
Tears slipped down Willow's cheeks and a short sob escaped from her mouth before she could stop it. "I miss my son so much," she whimpered. "I fought so hard to protect him from his father, but I couldn't protect him from what killed him."
Lainey reached out and offered her hand for Willow to take, which she did after a moment. Gently squeezing her hand, Lainey asked, "Is that why you feel you need to protect your friend's son no matter what's going on?"
The brunette nodded. She was crying so hard now that hiccups were peppered within her sobs. "I know it's messed up, but I see my son in Aaron. I can't help it, but I do. I feel like I have to protect him the same way that I protected my baby because…because somehow it keeps my son alive."
Lainey nodded, her hand still clasping Willow's. "Is that also why you still feel so conflicted about your friend's pregnancy?" She inquired.
"Partly," Willow admitted, reaching for the tissues with her free hand and blowing her nose into the soft paper. She balled it up and threw it into the nearby trash can before grabbing another one to wipe her eyes. "When she told me that they told Aaron's mother about her pregnancy, I got upset and I kind of yelled at her about it. I know I shouldn't have, but I was scared that something would happen to her baby because of Aaron's mother's jealousy."
"I can see why you would think that," Lainey began. "With your personal experience, it would be difficult not to assume the worst."
"Exactly," Willow agreed. She felt Lainey squeeze her hand again before withdrawing it to write something down in her notes.
"It's more than that, though," the brunette continued, both of her hands twitching in her lap. "I think I'm also…jealous."
Lainey stared at her in interest. "Jealous?" She repeated.
Her cheeks flaming with embarrassment and shame, Willow nodded and answered: "Yeah…I'm happy for her, for both of them, but I…I can't help but think about the experiences that I had. I mean…she never had to endure the Hell I did when I was pregnant, escaping from a cult and the monster who was also my baby's father. I spent so much of my pregnancy changing my identity and setting it up so my son could have a normal, happy life that I didn't get to truly enjoy the good sides of pregnancy, like feeling him move and imagining what he'd look like. Instead of focusing on the little things that made me happy, I was consumed by my fears…I didn't have a normal pregnancy."
Lainey nodded, understanding her reasoning. "I understand. While you're happy that your friend isn't experiencing the same struggles, you also yearn for it yourself. In your mind, she has what you never did and it upsets you."
Willow was silent, but she watched her therapist with relieved, grateful eyes. It was already hard enough to discuss these things no matter how comfortable she was with Lainey, but it made things a bit easier when the other woman could understand. It made her feel like she wasn't this envious monster trying to ruin Sasha's happy life.
"You're a nurse, aren't you, Willow?" Lainey suddenly asked.
Willow was surprised to hear her ask such a random question, but she answered: "Yes. Why?"
"Do you work with children?"
Willow's entire body tensed. "No," she said tersely.
"Why?"
"Because it's painful."
"Have you considered that, maybe, to help your healing process, you should work with children again?"
"But how would that help me?"
"Think of it in terms of Exposure Therapy. Sometimes, in order to overcome our fears, we must face them, especially if it's to improve our lives. Would I be correct in saying that since discovering the truth about your baby, you've been afraid of children in some way?"
Willow pondered that question for a while before admitting to herself that yes, she was somewhat afraid of children now.
It felt like such a silly fear, but it was a fear nonetheless. The moment she realized that her baby died and the child she spent months protecting was actually someone else's, it broke her. Her world felt shattered beyond repair, her entire self crumbling under the weight of the tragic news. Losing her son, her sweet baby, caused her an immeasurable amount of pain. She knew that from the beginning.
Now, because of her therapist's words, she realized that she left her teaching position not just out of grief, but out of fear as well. Despite her love for them, she couldn't face interacting with children. She couldn't fathom walking in that classroom every day and seeing all of those young, sweet little faces and not breaking her heart all over again, so she chose not to. She chose to resign and begin a nursing program at GH. At least in her new occupation she could shadow Elizabeth Webber, watching her work with patients much older than her former pupils and help others while being disconnected from the very youths who hurt her.
The revelation knocked the breath out of her and she finally answered with nothing but pure shock in her voice: "Yes, I…I think I'm a nurse because I don't have to work with children every day."
A small smile lifted Lainey's lips as she witnessed this breakthrough. "Do you enjoy being a nurse?" She asked.
A week ago, Willow would have answered that question with a resounding yes, but now…now the confession tumbled past her lips without hesitation: "Not as much as I enjoyed being a teacher."
"Being a teacher was your passion."
"I think it still is."
"Then you know what you need to do."
She did. She really did.
Willow stood up from her chair, smiling at Lainey and telling her, "Thank you, Lainey. I'll see you next week?"
Lainey returned her smile. "You're welcome, Willow. And yes, definitely," she replied, ecstatic that she could help this grieving young woman realize that she was on the wrong path.
When Willow left her therapist's office and headed towards the hospital elevator, she felt lighter than she had in months.
Losing Wiley devastated her—it always will, but she understood now that she couldn't hide from the very thing she loved: children. Despite the ache in her heart, she knew that she was meant for more than a job she only obtained due to fear. She was meant to be a mother, to be around children, to love and nurture and guide them, and she'd begin this newfound journey by returning to Port Charles Elementary.
