Castiel missed Lt. Arthur Ketch. While Ketch couldn't ever come near to what he felt for Dean, Castiel had enjoyed their time together for the most part. Ketch always took the time to explain things to Castiel. Dean hated the man and blamed him for many things, but Ketch was a soldier who followed his orders, much like Jimmy Novak had been. Castiel had no doubt that the two of them would have become friends. The only thing that really made Castiel uncomfortable was Ketch's obvious sexual interest in him. Ketch was an attractive man, although he couldn't hold a candle to Dean. Still, Castiel had never found himself attracted to him. He couldn't recall saying or doing anything that might have been misinterpreted as sexual interest. Yet Ketch had seemed perfectly at ease with kissing Castiel, and even seemed to be under the impression that Castiel reciprocated his interest. It was awkward. Dean was obviously angry and protective about it. His bondmate's hackles went up any time the subject of Ketch came up, especially in conjunction with kissing Castiel. Unfortunately, Castiel understood that now. Dean viewed him as little more than a child, someone in need of care. Of course Dean was upset when his "child" was made to feel uncomfortable in a situation like that. It was part of what made Dean Dean, and part of why Castiel loved him, even as it tore him apart.
Still, Castiel wished Dean and Ketch would get along. For all their many differences, the two men did have some things in common. Both were loyal and dedicated soldiers in their own way, willing to fight for what they believed in. Both were strong and brave. They both also cared deeply for Castiel. A small part of Castiel actually wished that Ketch was here now. While there was nothing at all wrong with Dean, Dean's knowledge about dragons was more than a little lacking. Ketch, on the other hand, understood a great deal more. Ketch was the one Castiel was able to talk to about things like dry scales and loose feathers and the occasional soreness he felt in the lower membranes of his wings after a long, hard day of arduous aerial maneuvers. Ketch was an expert in wing massage. The man actually seemed to enjoy it nearly as much as Castiel. In fact, it was often the first thing Ketch did after they ate when Dean was out, bring Castiel out into the domed room to transform to have his wings massaged. That was also when they had their best talks. It was during one such talk, the last one they'd had before Castiel had run away with Dean, that Ketch had brought up Castiel's growth.
"You're very nearly fully grown now, Castiel," Ketch had admired, fingers never ceasing their ministrations in his feathers. "You should have one more growth spurt coming up soon. It's your last chance to catch up to Michael, so we need to do everything right. You need to be very sure that you are well fed. You should also start taking vitamins. I'll be sure to get some from Dr. Tapping for you. If you want to grow into a big, strong dragon capable of taking on Michael and Raphael, you need to be sure to take your vitamins every day. Otherwise, you're likely to become weak and sickly. That won't do at all, will it?"
No, it would not do. Castiel had anxiously awaited the arrival of his vitamins. Naturally, Ketch had delivered them quickly. Castiel made sure to take them religiously. He'd checked to ensure he had them with him, safely tucked away in his pocket, when he made his escape with Dean.
Of course, he'd been sure to take the vitamins every day while he'd been away. The fact that he only had one bottle was upsetting. What would he do when he ran out? He'd wanted to talk to Dean about it, but Dean got so angry any time anything Ketch-related was brought up that Castiel had held his tongue. Plus, a big part of him didn't want Dean to think of Castiel as weak. Even though Dean surely knew that Castiel wasn't yet fully grown, the idea that his dragon was somehow lacking wasn't one Dean should ever have. Dean needed to know he could depend on Castiel to be strong, to be able to face his foes without flinching. The fact that said dragon needed to take vitamins to get that way wasn't something that needed discussed. Castiel simply continued to take them every morning when Dean was out of the room. His bondmate was none the wiser, and Castiel could continue to get stronger.
The problem was, he was feeling anything but stronger. As the days passed, the dragon found himself actually feeling weaker. He felt tired, sick, and worst of all, cold. He couldn't understand it. After his fight with Raphael, Castiel had studied his vitamins, counting them and trying to decide if he should continue to take one a day. The fight had taken more out of him than he was comfortable with. He needed to be strong to face Michael. That was what the vitamins were for, after all. If taking one every morning was good, then surely taking two was even better. By his count, that would mean he'd run out in a couple of weeks, but that was a price Castiel was willing to pay. Hopefully, by then they would have found Michael, resolved that situation, and he and Dean could find somewhere to hide away and live in peace.
Unfortunately, not even two vitamins every morning was helping. Castiel felt worse and worse. Worst of all, his bond with Dean seemed to be weakening. Any other time, Castiel should have been able to pinpoint where Dean was with much more accuracy. It said something that Castiel had completely overshot Dean's location and then couldn't find him again. It didn't make sense. He was even having trouble sensing Dean's emotions unless they were strong. That was so completely unnatural it made Castiel shudder to even think about it.
"Cass? You're awake?"
Castiel moaned and forced his eyes to blink open. Dean was there, his face just inches from his own and sideways. They were lying on a bed facing each other. Dean was lying on top of the covers that were bundled around Castiel, one hand gently stroking over Castiel's side. The dragon smiled. "Hello, Dean," he said weakly. "You're so far away!"
"I'm here," Dean insisted. "I'm right here with you, see?" He squeezed Castiel's shoulder.
"I know you're close, but you're not," Castiel whispered. "I can barely feel you."
"You've been poisoned, buddy," Dean explained. The green eyes had grown hard. "Who gave you those fucking 'vitamins?' Was it Ketch?"
Uh oh. Dean must have found his bottle. Well, no point lying about it. "Y-yes, from Dr. Tapping. I've been so good about taking them, Dean," Castiel insisted, trying to make his voice stronger, trying not to show just how weak he really was. "When I started getting sick after I fought Raphael, I started taking two."
"Two?!" Dean's eyes went wide, and his face paled.
"Maybe I should start taking three?" Castiel suggested. "Since they're to help my health…"
"No!" Dean yelled, his hand on Castiel's shoulder suddenly gripping tight. "Those weren't vitamins. That was that bitch's hormone! Ketch wanted you to take those pills so he could try to trigger a second bonding cycle. Giving them to you wasn't him trying to help you. It was yet another attempt to steal you!"
Castiel stopped breathing. "No," he whispered. "Ketch told me they were vitamins to help me get stronger, because I'd be going through another growth spurt soon. They were to help me be strong enough to fight Michael."
"He lied to you," Dean insisted. "That fucker has been lying to you from day one, trying to manipulate you, trying to steal you away, and now he's poisoned you!"
"No, that isn't true! He was trying to help. Tapping must have tricked him." Castiel nodded, eyes brightening at this idea. "Ketch was only following orders. If she told him that they were vitamins…"
"Why the hell are you trying to defend him?" Dean exclaimed. "He showed me his true colors the day he took you out with the volunteers." He dug under the blankets to seize the dragon's arm. Pulling it up, he pressed Castiel's hand against his brand. "Can you do that thing, like you did before, where you showed me your memories? If I remember that day, can you see it?"
"I…" Castiel flushed, shook his head, and pulled his arm away, wrapping both arms around himself. "I'm sorry, but it feels like you're far away, even with you right here." He shivered.
"It's ok." Dean scooted closer, pulling Castiel tightly against his chest. "It's ok, buddy. It's not important enough to strain yourself over."
Castiel shivered again. Dean slid a hand up his back to cup the back of Castiel's head, pull it forward, and press his lips to the dragon's forehead. "Please get better," Dean whispered. He ducked his head, pressing his forehead against Castiel's. "I need you to get better, ok? I need you!"
"I'm sorry," Castiel whispered.
"Sorry? What do you have to be sorry for?"
He closed his eyes, unable to look at Dean. "That I'm not Jimmy."
Dean froze.
"I know he's the one you want," Castiel continued, miserable. "He's the one you bonded with, not me. I'm not human, just a thing, a monster with his memories. That's why they kept calling me 'it' at the base. They understood that." He closed his eyes. "I guess you do now too, don't you? That's why you got so upset when I wanted to have sex with you."
"Bullshit!" Dean hissed. "That's bullshit, Cass. Ok, yeah, Jimmy was the one I called for in the beginning, but he was the only one I could call for. The moment I saw you, in Jimmy's body? Well, I knew immediately that you were something else. At first, I couldn't see you as anything but a dragon, that awesome but seriously terrifying creature that swallowed Jimmy. But after we met Raphael?" He shook his head. "Lanette and Donnie were married before she became a dragon, but the way they look at each other, you can see that it doesn't matter. When Donnie looks at her, he doesn't see the dragon. He sees the woman he fell in love with. The thing is, he's not in denial. He knows exactly what she is, and… and he accepts her. Just as she is." His eyes grew wide. "It's like he loves her just as much now as he did when she was human. It's just as obvious that she loves him right back."
"I know," Castiel agreed sadly. "I saw that, too. She loves him just as much as I still love you, even if you can't ever return it."
That seemed to startle Dean. He cleared his throat. "Well, like I said, I've been doing a lot of thinking about their relationship, comparing it to ours," he said. "I know what you feel is every bit as real as what they have for each other. And I'll tell you something else." Dean licked his lips. "What I said to you before? I thought I was protecting you. It's not that I forgot why you shot yourself, it's just that you seem so…"
"Childlike," Castiel finished bitterly.
"But you're not a child," Dean insisted. "You're not Jimmy, either. You're Castiel, this amazing, incredible person, not a monster. You're the best thing that ever happened to me, despite all the shit we've gone through and whatever might come after." He gently stroked Castiel's cheek. "I've been looking for someone like you, someone kind and sweet and trustworthy, all my life. Someone who didn't judge me. Someone who's always there. Someone who l-loves me." Dean swallowed hard. "You're more than Jimmy. You're more than anyone else I have ever met in all my life. I cannot imagine my life without you in it. I need you, Cass! I… I…"
Castiel looked at Dean. Dean looked back at him. Neither spoke. Later, Castiel wasn't sure which one of them moved first. All he knew was that Dean's lips were pressed against his, that they were holding each other tightly, kissing over and over again.
When they eventually had to separate to gasp for air, Castiel was smiling. Dean's face was flushed, his eyes glassy. "Ok, maybe this isn't really the time and place for that," Dean managed, "but fuck it. C'mere."
They were kissing again, hands clutching at each other like they were drowning. Deep inside, Castiel felt something, a warmth that was rapidly spreading. He gasped, eyes opening. "Dean? What happened? Everything's blue, I can't see!"
"Your eyes are glowing again," Dean told him. "Just like they did when we…"
Panic made strength flow through Castiel's weakened body. He pulled away from Dean, kicking the covers away. "Get me outside!" he exclaimed. "Quickly!"
"Whoa, what now? Why would you want to…?"
"Just do it!" Castiel roared. "Hurry!"
Shouting from somewhere nearby, excited male voices coming closer. "Oh bugger me," a stranger groaned. "Get him outside, quickly! He's re-initating his bond, and that means he's about to turn back into his dragon form!"
"But he'll die!" Dean's voice sounded desperate, even as he finally started rushing Castiel forward. "Cass, you can't go into another bonding cycle, Raphael said that would kill you!"
"Breaking the bond will kill him," the stranger confirmed. "Fortunately, you're right here with him. You'll just have to reaffirm the bond, and hopefully, that will correct this. Now for the love of God, hurry!"
Castiel blindly stumbled along, trusting in his bondmate to guide him. His body was shaking with the strain of preventing his change. It was a relief when he finally felt dirt under his feet. "Ok, Cass, you're outside and you should have room," Dean announced. "Give everyone a few seconds to get clear, then go!"
Castiel nearly fell when he was suddenly released. He somehow managed to hold on for a count of five seconds. Then he transformed with a roar. Dean. Where was Dean?
"I'm here, buddy, right here with you," Dean soothed. Hands stroked his wings, making the dragon moan in relief. "I'm here. I love you, do you hear me? I love you, and we're going to get you through this. Just stay with me."
Castiel snorted. As if he'd ever leave Dean. Those three words were enough to banish most of the cold remaining in his aching body. Purring, he bent his neck toward Dean's stroking hands, purring even louder when his snout encountered a familiar warm body. Dean hugged his muzzle, fingers gently scratching at the dragon's eye ridges. Dean was here. Dean loved him. Nothing else mattered in the world.
It was even better when the blue light that had engulfed everything disappeared. There was Dean, smiling fondly into his eye. "Hey there, Sunshine. How are you feeling?"
"Wonderful," he purred. "I feel fantastic."
"Oh, thank God," moaned another male voice Castiel didn't recognize.
"Indeed, that was entirely too close." This was the voice Castiel had heard before, the one who'd told Dean Castiel could die. Castiel swung his head around to look at the two.
A tall, shaggy, well-built young man was standing close by, smiling brightly at Castiel. He didn't bear much of a resemblance to Dean, but his scent was similar enough that Castiel realized he was looking at Dean's brother. The other man made Castiel frown. He, too, was smiling, although in his case, the smile seemed less like relief and more like that of someone secretly enjoying the fact that they knew something no one else did. Castiel tilted his head curiously at the pair, eyeing them through one eye. "Who is that?"
"That's my brother Sam and his friend, Balthazar," Dean explained, moving over to pat his muzzle again. "Balthazar is bonded to Gabriel."
Oh. That explained the odd sensation Castiel got from the man. In retrospect, it had been similar to what he'd sensed from Donnie, although it seemed somehow stronger. Castiel narrowed his eyes. "Dean, is this the asshole?"
"Yes, and no," Dean sighed. "While Balthazar is certainly an asshole…"
"Oi!"
"…He's also someone who can help us try to get out of this mess," Dean continued, undeterred.
"Right now, you need to help your dragon get out of that harness," Balthazar declared. "Looks a bit tight."
It was tight. Castiel craned his neck to look at it, noting how the once-snug straps securing the saddle were now uncomfortably tight. Ketch had been right about his growth spurt. Dean quickly undid the straps and, much to Castiel's irritation, removed the harness and saddle entirely. "Dean, we need that. How are you supposed to ride me?"
"I'm not riding you," Dean retorted. "At least not in any way that will need that stupid saddle. Besides, I've been thinking about it. I pulled out the transmitter I knew about, but what if there's another? With you being in your human form and the harness being in whatever dragon dimension you keep it in, it wouldn't have been easy to track. But every time you went dragon…?"
"Ooo, that's good thinking, Dean," Sam complimented. He'd moved up to take the harness. "Let's get rid of this. I'll run it to the truck stop and toss it onto a truck. That'll draw them off the trail."
The way Dean smiled at his brother made Castiel smile, too, although it faded quickly. "You don't want to ride me, Dean?" he asked in a small voice.
Dean grimaced. "Don't get me wrong. Riding around on you is awesome, but it really degrades you. You're not an animal, Cass. You're not a form of transport. You're you, this amazing, wonderful person."
"But I like you riding me," Castiel protested.
Dean pinched the bridge of his nose. "Fine, we'll revisit the subject later, but for now? I still think getting rid of that harness is a good idea, just to be safe."
Castiel had to be content with that. He extended a wing, tucking a laughing Dean against his side and purring loudly.
"As much as this lovely moment is just oh so touching," Balthazar called, cutting into the moment like a truck hitting a deer, "I'm afraid the Hallmark special needs to end, and quickly. Even if there's no more tracking devices in the harness, Castiel is quite exposed to any eyes in the sky." He pointed up. "It really is best that you change back as soon as you're able."
Oh. Castiel trailed his long flight feathers over Dean one last time, producing a chuckle, and changed back to his human form. "Who are you again?" he asked, squinting at Balthazar.
"Long story, I'll tell you in the car," Dean announced. "Sam and Balth can get rid of the harness. Meanwhile, let's head out. I'll call Bobby, see if he can help us with a place to hide for a bit while we look for Michael."
"Bloody hell, you're still wanting to go after him?" Balth complained. "What, do you have a death wish?"
"Well, it's pretty damned clear that you and Gabe aren't going after him," Dean retorted. "That leaves us. So lead, follow, or get the hell out of the way!"
Balthazar stiffened, his face going blank. He briskly turned on his heel and stomped off for the car.
"That was a pretty low blow, Dean." Sam's bitch face was back. "Just because someone has a dragon doesn't mean they're willing to risk that dragon fighting Michael. I thought you understood that, when you told us you'd let Raphael and her husband go?"
"Raphael is just a scared woman who stumbled into a situation she wasn't ready for and couldn't understand," Dean growled. "But Balthazar and Gabriel are both soldiers. Gabriel was chosen to bond with that dragon because he could fight. Balthazar killed a bus load of kids. As far as I'm concerned, neither one of them has any right to take a knee now just because one's hiding out and the other grew a conscience. They both agreed to their part and now they're both trying to back out of the deal and let us fight alone?" Dean scoffed. "I have no time for either one of them right now."
"You sure do have a lot to say about things you don't understand," Sam retorted. "Gabriel was meant to be a fighter, but he's not like the other dragons."
"He's an illusion dragon, right?" Dean jerked a thumb back at Castiel, who was frowning as he watched the exchange. "Cass already figured that out. Maybe he can't go head to head with Michael, but Cass sure as hell could use his help! If the chickenshit is too scared to fight, then once again, I have no time for him."
Sam's face darkened in anger. "I wouldn't be alive today if it weren't for them, Dean. When we ran, we thought it was because of Gabriel, but maybe you were right? Maybe those people came after me because of you. If that's the case, then you put all of us in danger. Now you're going to climb up on your high horse and look down at them?" He shook his head. "You haven't changed, have you? You're still a selfish bastard!"
Dean sputtered after his brother as Sam stormed off after Balthazar. Castiel put a hand on his shoulder. "You can't ask anyone to risk themselves," he advised his seething bondmate. "They have to decide if they want to fight on their own, not because you guilted them into it."
"They're letting you face Michael alone because they don't want to risk Gabriel's precious hide," Dean spat. "They're going to sit back and let you take all the risk while they hide under the bed? I'm not ok with that." He turned around to lay a hand on Castiel's cheek. "What if they have the right idea? Maybe we shouldn't go after Michael. We can hide, too, and have a life together?"
"I can't do that," Castiel said quietly. "I can't hide while Michael hurts innocent people. I don't think you can, either."
Dean took a deep breath and let it out in a sigh. "No. I can't. I just hate that you're taking all the risk."
"That's what I signed up for when I joined the military." Castiel kissed him. "We should be going. Give your brother and Balthazar some time to cool down and we'll meet up with them. Do you know where you want to go?"
"Bobby told me about that bar, the one he sent Donnie and Lanette to? I thought we'd start there. That computer guy they have out there, Ash, is probably our best bet to figure out where to start looking for Michael. If you're really sure you want to fight him, that is?"
"I'm sure." Castiel put his arm around Dean's shoulders and started walking toward the car. "Come on. We should get going."
