Remus set the potions on the table and then headed for the kitchen. He returned moments later with a damp washcloth, which he immediately cast a cooling charm on and gently placed on Harry's forehead. Sirius tucked the blanket around Harry and gently stroked his cheek. For a moment, the two old friends stood in silence. Neither one seemed to know what to say.
"Sirius," Remus said after a few moments of silence. "Why don't you go get cleaned up? I'm sure it's been a while since you've had a warm shower. I'll leave some extra clothes on the dresser and then make some soup. When you're ready, we can catch up."
Sirius looked at Harry, hesitation clearly written all over his face.
"I'll keep an eye on Harry." Remus said. "Besides, he's likely going to be asleep for a while." When Sirius still didn't look convinced, Remus added, "Do you really want him to meet you like that?"
For most people, this would have been an insult. But Sirius just chuckled. "I suppose I don't look my best."
It was true. Sirius looked as if he had just crawled out of a muggle horror movie. His hair was long and unkempt, his fingernails long and dirty, and his robes filthy and torn. He could only imagine what he smelled like to those who weren't used to the horrid conditions in which he escaped. Still, leaving Harry, even for a short amount of time, felt wrong.
"I'll keep a close eye on him." Remus promised. "Nothing is going to happen."
Sirius finally agreed, heading for the bathroom so that he could take his first shower in nearly three years. He turned on the shower, turning it well past warm, and stepped inside. The hot water was a shock at first, but it felt nice as it cascaded down his back. Years worth of dirt and grime was washed away, and Sirius felt a sense of relief as he watched it go down the drain. When he stepped out of the shower nearly twenty minutes later, he almost felt like a new man.
After drying off, Sirius looked at himself in the mirror, and he sighed. He didn't look like himself at all. His hair, although clean, was still a snarled mess. He had dark circles under his eyes, which were haunted from all that he had seen and been through. He was also much too thin. He could practically see his bones.
Sirius took a comb and a pair of scissors from the bathroom skink and after brushing his hair, he gave himself a haircut. He had never been good at cutting hair. Lily was normally the one who insisted he needed a haircut, and she was usually the one to cut it. Before Lily, it had been Euphemia Potter, James's mum. But Lily and Euphemia were both long gone, and there was absolutely no way he would show up at his own mother's door asking for a haircut, nor could he see a stylist, so his own skills, or lack of skills, would have to do.
By the time he was done, his hair was just above his shoulders, and although a bit uneven, it didn't look too bad. Sirius wrapped the towel around his waist and headed for the bedroom where Remus had promised to leave some clothes. Sure enough, on the dresser, there was a pair of shabby robes and a brand new toothbrush. Sirius dressed and brushed his teeth, and although he was nowhere near the person he was three years ago, he also wasn't as bad off as he had been half an hour ago.
Feeling somewhat refreshed, Sirius headed back into the living room, where he found Remus, sitting in a chair by the fire, reading the newspaper.
"Anything good?" Sirius asked, motioning at the the paper.
Remus looked up and smiled. "It's just a bunch of rubbish, as usual. Your pictures in here, though. There's a pretty hefty award for your capture."
Sirius grimaced. "Planning on turning me in?" He joked.
"Course not." Remus said as he folded the paper and set it down.
Sirius glanced over at the couch, his eyes glued to Harry who was fast asleep with his thumb in his mouth. Harry had never been a thumb sucker, so Sirius wasn't sure when or how he had picked up the habit, but he looked content in his sleep.
"He's doing alright," Remus said, as if reading Sirius's mind. "His fever's gone down a bit."
"That's good." Sirius said, though it didn't do much to ease his worries. Harry's fever may have gone down, but he wasn't out of the woods yet.
"I made soup." Remus said. "It's on the stove if you're hungry."
Sirius's stomach growled at the thought of a warm meal, but he made no effort to move. His stomach was currently in knots, and he was far too nervous to eat. Albus could come through the fireplace at any moment, and he could either bring news that would lead to his freedom or his capture.
"Look," Remus sighed. "I know you're worried, and I can't even imagine what you're going through right now, but you really should eat something."
Sirius looked up at his old friend, and a small smile crept upon his face. "Okay, fine. If you insist."
"I do."
Sirius shook his head and laughed. "You always were the mother hen of the group, you know."
Sirius headed to the kitchen and poured himself a bowl of soup before joining Remus, who had just taken a seat at the kitchen table. The two friends sat in silence as Sirius moved his spoon, pushing around the contents in the bowl. He forced himself to take a small bite when Remus looked up, but although the warm meal tasted delicious, he couldn't help but push the bowl away.
"Remus, I need you to promise me something." He said, his voice more serious than was normal for him. "If things don't go as planned, and I end up back in Azkaban, or worse, given the Dementor's kiss, I need you to promise you'll take care of Harry. I need you to promise that you won't let them send him back to the Dursleys, even if you have to take him and run. I need you to promise me, Remus."
"Sirius..."
"Promise me, Remus."
Remus closed his eyes and sighed. "I promise." He said softly. "I promise that no matter what happens, Harry will not go back there. But Albus knows what he's doing. You have nothing to worry about."
Even as the words left his mouth, Remus didn't look completely convinced. Still, his words brought some comfort to Sirius.
A strangled cry brought both men out of their thoughts, and in no time at all, they were both up and running to the living room. Harry's green eyes were wide open, a look of pure terror on his face as he frantically looked around the room.
"Hey, it's okay." Sirius said as he rushed to his godson's side. "You're okay, Harry. You're safe now." He knelt down by the side of the couch and took his godson's trembling hand, but Harry immediately jerked away as if expecting a blow.
"It's okay, Harry." Sirius said again, as if trying to convince himself as much as the small child. "Do you remember who I am?"
Although Sirius was almost certain that Harry wouldn't remember anything from earlier that night, he couldn't help the small bit of hope that bubbled up inside him. The hope was immediately squashed, however, when Harry gave a small shake of the head.
"That's okay." Sirius said. "It's been a long day. My name is Sirius. I was friends with your dad."
Harry didn't say a word, but he seemed to relax a bit as he looked at Sirius, curiosity in his eyes.
"When you were born," Sirius continued, "your parents made me your godfather. They wanted me to take care of you if there came a time that they couldn't." Sirius looked into his godson's eyes, searching for any anger or resentment, but he didn't see any. Still, he felt the need to apologize. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, Harry." He said. "I'm sorry you were sent to your aunt and uncle's. I promise you won't go back there."
Harry studied Sirius's face for a moment, as if trying to decide if he was telling the truth. He must have believed him, even if it was only a little bit, because he seemed to relax even more.
Remus coughed, and Harry jumped. Sirius reached out a hand to comfort him but stopped when the boy flinched. It was as if every time he made any progress, a step in the right direction, they took two steps back.
Sirius could see the guilt on his friend's face and knew he felt bad, so he motioned for him to come closer. "This is Remus." Sirius said as he nodded in his direction. "He was friends with your parents too. He was like an uncle to you."
This seemed to be the wrong thing to say, however, as the moment the last word left Sirius's mouth, Harry flinched, burying himself in the corner of the couch.
Sirius and Remus shared a look of confusion before it dawned on Sirius. Harry had been completely fine until he had said the word 'uncle.' He was sure Harry was now comparing Remus to Vernon and he was quick to correct it. "Not all uncles are bad, Harry." He said gently. "Remus isn't like your uncle Vernon. He would never hurt you, okay?"
This just seemed to confuse the poor boy. It was clear that he didn't have any good experience with family, and that was something Sirius could relate to. It was also something he was eager to change.
Remus walked over to the corner of the room, where he had put all of the potions Poppy had left them. He grabbed all three and made his way back to the couch. "Sirius, we need to make sure he takes these before he falls back asleep."
Sirius nodded as he took the three potions from Remus and read over the directions. Harry didn't fight him like Sirius expected. He took all three of the potions without complaint and then eagerly gulped down the water that Sirius offered him.
Remus heated up a bowl of soup and then returned to the living room. Sirius helped Harry to sit up and then slowly fed him spoonfuls of soup until Harry turned his head, indicating that he was done. He hadn't eaten much, but it was a start.
Within minutes, Harry was sound asleep, the only sound in the room being his soft snores and the ticking of the old clock on the wall.
By now it was very late, and both Sirius and Remus were exhausted. Remus headed to his room for the night while Sirius took the chair. Within minutes, he was fast asleep.
He was cold. So cold. The anguished cries of prisoners filled the room. Shouts and high-pitched screams making his ears ring. Looking around, Sirius found himself in his old prison cell, his filthy robes hanging on his skeletal body.
He shouldn't be here. He was innocent. Besides, he had escaped already. Hadn't he? Sirius tried to wrap his mind around it, but it didn't make sense. Why was he so cold?
Suddenly, he couldn't breathe. No matter how hard he tried, it was as if the air was being sucked right out of him. Looking up, he saw the dark figure of one of his worst fears, and it was sucking his soul right out of him.
Tears poured down his cheeks as he thought about all the people he had failed. James and Lily. Harry. Remus. And then the tears stopped, and he felt nothing at all.
Sirius woke with a start, letting out a strangled cry. He barely had the chance to register where he was before he was running to the bathroom and throwing open the toilet cover. The small amount of last night's dinner was soon gone, his face and body soaked in sweat.
It's just a nightmare. He told himself. But the words failed to bring him comfort. It may have been a nightmare, but it could soon become reality.
Sirius stood on wobbly legs and stumbled over to the sink. Turning the faucet on cold, he quickly splashed his face with water, willing himself to wake up from this nightmare that was now his life.
Tears poured down his cheeks as he hit himself in the head. Maybe if he hit himself hard enough, he would wake up in his old flat, only to realize that the last three years had been nothing but a nightmare. Maybe James and Lily would be alive. He would have his brother back. But Sirius knew deep down that no amount of pain would wake him from reality. He stumbled backwards, where he collapsed against the wall and slid to the floor.
"Sirius, are you okay?"
Sirius looked up through tear-filled eyes and found Remus standing there, a look of concern on his face. And then, without warning, Sirius started to laugh. It wasn't a joy-filled laugh. He hadn't laughed like that in years. Not since he was running around the grounds of Hogwarts with his friends or playing with baby Harry, his little squeals of laughter filling his heart with joy. It was more like the crazed laugh that came out on the night Peter outsmarted him. He was sure he must look insane, but he couldn't seem to stop.
"Alright, Sirius," Remus said gently. "Let's go into the kitchen and have a cup of tea. We can talk and—"
"Talk?" Sirius said as if it was the most insane idea he had ever heard. "There's nothing to talk about, Remus. They're dead. James and Lily are dead. And Peter—Peter outsmarted us all. Who would've thought..."
"Sirius..."
"The little bastard betrayed them. He betrayed them, Remus. He betrayed us all, and now Harry's paying the price. Sweet, innocent little Harry, who never did anything to deserve this."
Sirius put his head in his hands and sighed. "And the worst part is, I betrayed them too."
"No," Remus said firmly. "Sirius, you didn't betray them. You didn't know—"
"It doesn't matter if I knew or not." Sirius snapped. "James trusted me. He and Lily put their trust in me, and I convinced them to choose Peter. All because I thought I was the obvious choice. I got them killed. And to make it worse, I got myself chucked in Azkaban. Harry nearly died because of my choices."
"But he didn't." Remus said. "Harry didn't die, Sirius. Because of you, he's going to live. And because of you, Albus knows who the traitor is, and you're one step closer to freedom. You just have to hold on a little bit longer."
Sirius shook his head. "Hold on for what, Remus? James is gone. Nothing is the same as it used to be. What is the point in living? I have no purpose."
"No purpose?" Remus asked, his sympathy turning into anger. "No purpose? Really, Sirius? What about that little boy in the other room? Hmm? You're so focused on failing when you switched secret keepers that you don't seem at all concerned about making sure you keep your promise as godfather."
Sirius stood up, his own anger growing too. "Don't you dare make it sound like I don't care about Harry." He snapped. "That little boy is the only reason I'm still alive right now. If it weren't for him, I would have given up a long time ago." Sirius took a deep breath and sighed. "I love Harry, and I want what's best for him. But look at me, Remus. I'm a mess. Harry deserves better than me."
"James and Lily didn't think so." Remus reasoned. "They knew what they were doing when they made you Harry's godfather. They wouldn't have chosen you if they didn't trust you. You've been through a lot, Sirius. Anyone would crack after going through what you have. But you're still here. Now you need to fight. If not for yourself, then for Harry. Because if you don't, then who will?"
Sirius knew his friend was right. He almost always was. He couldn't give up. Not when Harry needed him. He had let Harry down once. He wasn't going to do it again. Still, his anger and self-hatred were eating him alive.
"Why don't we head into the kitchen," Remus suggested for the second time, "and I'll make us both a cup of tea? It's early, but I doubt either one of us will be getting any more sleep."
Sirius followed his friend into the kitchen. On the way, they passed through the living room, and Sirius glanced at the clock. He hadn't realized he had slept for so long. It was just after 6:00 in the morning. He stopped to check on Harry before heading into the kitchen and taking a seat at the table. Remus had just made tea for both of them and had sat down himself when the floo chimed.
Remus put up a hand as if to tell Sirius to stay and then headed into the living room. Sirius's heartbeat quickened as he thought of who it could be. Perhaps it was Poppy. She promised she would stop by to check on Harry. Or it could be Albus who was supposed to let them know when he had news. But what if it was neither one of them? What if it was the Minister of Magic, here to take him back to Azkaban?
Sirius didn't have to worry for long, however, because Remus returned a moment later with Albus Dumbledore. The man was smiling, and for the first time in a long time, Sirius felt as if hope was on his side after all.
