Sirius walked through the door, eager to tell Remus the wonderful news, when the most wonderful sound pierced his ears. A small giggle. It lasted only for a split second, and for a moment Sirius was sure he had imagined it, but when he looked over at the couch, he knew he hadn't.
Remus sat on the right, an old photo album in his hands. On the left was Harry. He sat curled up in the corner of the couch, wrapped in a blanket so that only his head was poking out. He had a small smile on his face, and he seemed content, though it was obvious he still tried to keep a bit of a distance from Remus. Sirius thought back to the tiny giggle he had heard when he first entered the house, and he wished more than anything that he could hear it again.
"Sirius," Remus said as he looked up from the photo album. "How'd it go?"
"I'm free." Sirius grinned. "I'll tell you all about it later. What are you two doing?"
"Oh, I was just showing Harry some old pictures."
Sirius walked around to the back of the couch. He peered over his friend's shoulder and smiled as he looked down at a picture he had almost forgotten about. It was a picture of James and Lily, no older than fifteen, standing in front of the Great Lake. Both were dripping wet, and although James was grinning, Lily was not.
"I was just telling Harry about what happened leading up to this incident. Remember Sirius?"
Sirius chuckled as he recalled how he, Remus, and Peter had watched from a distance as James asked Lily out for the dozenth time that year, only to be turned down once again. James, being immature and a bit bigheaded at the time, had made some snide remark, causing Lily to turn around and shove him. James had fallen into the Great Lake, and Lily, feeling bad, had reached a hand out to help him up. Just as Lily took his hand, James had pulled her in, causing her to land on top of him. James had meant for it to be romantic, but Lily didn't see it that way at all.
Sirius's smile faded as he thought about his brother and sister in all but blood and how in love they had once been. He wished more than anything that they were still here. That they could watch their son grow up.
"How's my favorite godson?" Sirius asked as he ruffled Harry's hair. The little boy flinched, burying himself deeper in the blanket, and Sirius cursed himself for being so stupid. He knew he needed to take things slow, but he just couldn't help himself.
"He's doing good." Remus said with a reassuring smile. "He was in and out of sleep quite a bit yesterday, but he's been awake all morning so far. His fever's gone away, though he still has a nasty cough. But Poppy said he's doing really well, considering, and that he should be up and around in no time."
"That's great." Sirius said, shifting awkwardly on his feet. He couldn't help the bit of jealousy that was creeping up inside him. He should have been here when Harry woke up. He should have been the one showing him pictures and telling him stories. Instead, he spent an entire day and a night in Azkaban, and now it seemed as if Harry had more of a bond with Remus than with him. It wasn't right. He was Harry's godfather. He couldn't help but feel jealous and he hated himself for it. He should be thankful that Harry was comfortable around someone, even if it wasn't himself.
Remus seemed to sense Sirius's awkwardness, because he stood up from the couch and handed his friend the photo album. "I should start making lunch." He said with a smile. "Why don't you show Harry the rest of the pictures. I'm sure you have quite a few stories as well." He didn't tell Sirius to get to know his godson, but it was implied, and it made Sirius feel awful all over again.
Sirius made his way over to the couch and sat down. Looking over at Harry, he could see that the boy was watching his every move, and Sirius wanted more than anything to make sure he didn't mess it all up.
As Remus left the room, Sirius turned the page of the album, his eyes landing on a picture of the entire Gryffindor class of 78. In the front row, James stood with his arm around Lily. The two had just started dating that year and you could see the excitement in his eyes. In the photo, James turned to kiss Lily, causing Peter to blush and Sirius to make a fake gagging face. Remus just rolled his eyes from behind the two lovebirds.
Sirius was so lost in the memory of the picture that he almost didn't notice Harry staring at him expectantly. But once he did, he cleared his throat. "That's your mum," he said as he pointed to Lily. "And that right there," he said, pointing to James, "is your dad. They were about seventeen in this picture." He held the album closer to Harry so that he could see it and then continued to point out the others in the photo. Himself, Remus, Marlene, and a few others. He skipped over Peter, hoping that Harry didn't notice. If he did, he didn't say anything, which Sirius figured was more because of his shyness than lack of curiosity.
Harry looked at his parents with a longing in his eyes that broke Sirius's heart. He was so busy thinking about how much he missed his best friend that he hadn't even considered what it must be like for Harry who never knew them. He wanted to hold his godson close, but he knew Harry wasn't comfortable with touch. So instead he said the first thing that came to his mind. "They loved you so much, Harry. Your mum and dad—they loved you more than anything." As Sirius said these words he felt a single tear slide down his cheek. Not wanting to cry in front of Harry, he quickly turned the page, ready to show him the next picture.
After a while, Remus came in with a tray that held three bowls of soup. By now Harry was obviously growing tired and was fighting just to keep his eyes open. Sirius made sure Harry took his potions and then helped him to eat, and when he was done, he tucked him in. When Harry was finally asleep, he turned to Remus, ready to tell him the results of today's trial.
"As you probably guessed, I'm free." Sirius grinned. "And Peter was sentenced to Azkaban. He'll be in a special cell so he can't escape."
Remus nodded as he took a bite of soup. "That's great. And what about Harry?"
Sirius sighed. The last thing he wanted to do was make Remus feel bad by talking about the ministry's fear of him, but he figured Remus already had an idea. "I have temporary custody." Sirius said. "There will have to be another trial in the near future, and I'm supposed to find a place to live by then."
"You mean a place with no werewolf." Remus asked. "You can say it, Padfoot. I know what they're like. And to be honest, I understand their fear. I'm dangerous."
"Only during the full moon, Remus." Sirius argued. "The rest of the time you're perfectly safe. And it's not as if you'd be around Harry during the full moon anyway. They're being ridiculous."
"Maybe," Remus agreed. "But that's just how it is. I'm used to it, Sirius. It isn't going to change."
"And that right there," Sirius fumed, his voice raising in volume, "is the problem, and one of many reasons that I don't trust the ministry. They're bigots—all of them."
Remus, who had just been ready to take another bite of soup, quickly put down his spoon and set the bowl on the table. He pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. "While I appreciate your opinion on the matter, would you mind keeping it down? Harry's sleeping."
Sirius glanced nervously at the couch, but Harry hadn't appeared to have heard anything. He was still sound asleep with his thumb in his mouth.
"I'm sorry," Sirius sighed. "It just really pisses me off. You would never hurt Harry."
Remus smiled. "I know that, and you know that. James and Lily knew that, and maybe in time, Harry will come to realize that too. That's all that matters, Sirius. Not what the rest of the world thinks."
While Sirius didn't completely agree with his friend, he took the hint and dropped the subject. He knew that no amount of ranting was going to change the ministry's opinion, and besides, it only upset Remus. So the two friends sat in silence as they finished their soup.
Harry slept the rest of the afternoon and well into the evening, and although Remus assured him that Harry needed the rest, Sirius couldn't help but worry. He found himself continually checking on the child, looking for any signs that he was going downhill. But his temperature stayed the same, and although there was a slight crackling in his chest as he breathed, he seemed to be doing alright.
It was late by the time Sirius finally managed to doze off, and it didn't take long before he was plagued by the nightmares he had become all too familiar with.
Sirius pulled to a stop outside Godric's Hollow, looking up at the cozy little home in horror. The door had been blown off, and shattered glass littered the ground. The dark mark lingered in the sky, leaving a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach.
Jumping off of his motorcycle, Sirius rushed to the house, begging anyone who would listen to please let them be alive. He had barely made it through the door when he found James. His best friend was lying by the stairs, his hazel eyes wide open—his glasses slightly askew.
Sirius fell to his knees, his body trembling with every gut-wrenching sob. He could have ended it right then and there. All the pain and suffering. But he knew he couldn't. He needed to find Lily and Harry.
Sirius forced himself to stand up. He had just made it up the stairs when Hagrid exited the nursery holding Harry. Sirius let out a sigh of relief as he heard his godson's soft whimpers. He was alive. But something wasn't right. Where was Lily?
Sirius headed for the nursery but was stopped by a firm hand on the shoulder. "I wouldn't go in there, Sirius."
Sirius pushed his way past Hagrid and into the nursery. The room that Lily had spent weeks decorating, until every little detail was perfect, was now destroyed. And on the floor, lying with her eyes wide open and a single tear on her cheek, was Lily.
Sirius stood up and punched a hole through the wall. He screamed until is voice was raw. And then he fell to the floor, tears streaming down his cheeks.
Harry's cries echoed throughout the house, and Sirius forced himself to get up. He made his way downstairs, but the crying had stopped. Hagrid was gone. And Harry—Harry was lying motionless on the floor. Sirius screamed.
"Sirius, wake up."
Sirius woke to someone shaking him. He thrust himself forward, his hand reaching for his wand, but stopped when he saw Remus's concerned face. It had just been a nightmare. He was at Remus's cottage. And Harry was safe. He glanced over at the couch just to be sure, and there he was, still sleeping, though Sirius wasn't sure how.
Sirius looked down in shame. He had had this same nightmare several times since that Halloween night. The beginning of the dream had been real. Harry's death, however, was Sirius's worst fear. "I'm sorry." He croaked.
"Don't be." Remus said firmly. "You have every right to have nightmares after everything you've been through. You don't have to apologize."
"But I could have woken Harry." Sirius said, shaking his head.
"But you didn't." Remus said softly. "Come on, Sirius. Let's go to the kitchen and have a cup of hot chocolate."
Sirius couldn't help but laugh. Chocolate, no matter what form, was Remus's cure for everything.
"Alright," Sirius agreed. "But I'm not talking about it."
"That's fine."
Sirius followed Remus into the kitchen. He took a seat at the table while Remus started the kettle. By the time Remus had finished making the hot chocolate, Sirius was already telling him everything.
"I know Harry didn't die," Sirius said. "But that's almost always how that dream ends. It ends with me failing them completely."
Remus nodded. "It makes sense. You care a great deal about Harry, and you would be devastated if something happened to him. Add the fact that the killing curse should have killed him; it makes complete sense. But you just have to try and remember that Harry is just fine. He's right here."
Sirius took a sip of his hot chocolate. It was so hot that it burned his throat as it went down, but he didn't care. In fact, he barely even noticed.
"Maybe you should consider seeing a mind healer, now that your name is cleared." Remus suggested.
"No!" Sirius said. "Absolutely not, Remus. I'm not crazy."
"Nobody said you were, Padfoot. But after everything you've been through, it could be a big help."
"No! The last thing I need is for the ministry to find out I'm seeing a mind healer. If they think I'm crazy—if they think I'm incapable of caring for Harry—I can't take that chance."
"Alright," Remus sighed. "Then at least consider talking to me every once in a while. Don't keep it all bottled up. I know you tend to do that—you always have, but it isn't good."
Sirius grunted in response, unable to form any actual words. He took another sip of hot chocolate, desperate to busy himself with something so that he wouldn't have to talk. He had never been good at talking. He was always better at listening to other people's problems than talking about his own. He figured it had a lot to do with the fact that growing up, there was nobody around to listen to him. It wasn't until he had become a part of the Potter family that he felt valued and heard.
A loud scream startled both Sirius and Remus and caused Sirius to jump, splashing hot chocolate down his front. In a matter of seconds he was up and running into the living room, where he found Harry thrashing around on the couch.
Sirius froze. What was he supposed to do? Wake him up? He didn't want to scare him even more. Let him wake up on his own? But then he'd be left to suffer what was an obviously bad nightmare. Before Sirius could make a decision, Remus was gently shaking Harry's shoulder and whispering soothing words in his ear. Sirius watched as his godson sat up, sweat pouring down his face and tears in his eyes. And as Remus rubbed Harry's back, Sirius felt the jealousy bubbling up inside him again.
Not trusting himself to speak, Sirius quietly made his way outside into the cool night air. As he looked up at the stars above, he thought about James and Lily and their decision to make him godfather. It had been great when he was nothing more than the fun 'uncle' who stopped by to bring him presents and to spoil him. But now that the responsibility was kicking in, Sirius couldn't help but wonder what his friends had been thinking. Maybe he wasn't what was best for Harry after all.
