Chapter 25

Pop quiz:

You need to locate the domicile of a certain family.

There are a couple of things you know about this family. You know, for example, that they live outside of the city limits. You also know that they are cannibals. However, being cannibals, they still need to live somewhere close enough to get a fresh supply of 'food'. They also need to find some way to, if not necessarily hide the evidence, then to get rid of any excess remains. One can only make so many knick knacks out of femurs and rib cages before some house cleaning is in order.

So with all of that information, what is the best place to go to in order to triangulate their location?

Answer: the sewers.

"Mind you head, dear.", Alastor remarked as he twirled his cane. Chay followed him close behind, her scarf wrapped tightly around her face. "This part of the city's underground wasn't exactly built with Sinners in mind."

It was like the worst kind of flashback that Chay could have had; a grotesque reminder of how she managed to even get into Pentagram City in the first place. She saw all of the same slimy bricks, the wriggling sounds of things behind the walls, the rusty catwalks that appeared to crumble at any moment, and worst of all was the meat growth.

Yes, meat growth. The deeper one traveled, the meatier the walls became. Some sort of horrific organism had seemed to grow like a fungal yeast on the walls and ceilings. It even seemed to breathe.

"Brings back memories, eh Miss Ong?", the Radio Demon remarked smuggly.

"Don't remind me.", she grumbled. "I still have the migraines from the impact. Are we getting close?"

"Just about.", he answered. "I should warn you that the passages will get a little tighter towards the end here. My acquaintance down here does try to be mindful about his growth but…"

He reached up with his staff and tapped on the pulsating meaty wall. An indent was formed by the impact that quickly filled back in with a wet sucking sound.

"...well, he does his best. Now, remember what I told you..."

"Let you do the talking.", Chay remarked irritably. "That seems to be a really common occurrence with you, you know that?"

"I did make a career our of this voice, it's true.", Alastor replied cheerily. "Now we just need to squeeze through here…"

Up ahead, the passage began to narrow significantly. The growth was now so thick that it had completely overtaken every inch of brick and iron around them. Both Overlord and Sinner flattened themselves against the meat wall and slowly squeezed through. Chay found herself taking short, shallow breaths as the pulsating flesh growths pressed against her.

At least the meat wasn't as slimy as the bricks had been. Otherwise she really would have to take that second shower.

"Almost, and...here we are!"

Chay exhaled loudly as they finally squeezed out (though it felt more like being spat out) into their destination: a rusty memory of a catwalk that extended out over the largest chasm that Chay had ever encountered in her afterlife. It was the first time she could genuinely describe something as 'bottomless', because no matter how hard she looked, she could not see the faintest whiff of a bottom.

"...So, where are we?", Chay asked as she looked down into the pit. "I'm guessing this is where the city's waste ends up? This place is certainly filthy enough to meet the description."

"You're correct, in a way.", Alastor answered. "A lot of it simply washes out into the other rings. But quite a bit of it ends up here. Fortunately, the Pentagram has its own garbage disposal."

Alastor cupped a hand around his mouth.

"Salutations, mon cher ami!", he yelled in French.

Out of the pitch black pit came a gurgling rumble. The meat growths began to pulsate faster and faster, frantically clenching and unclenching like over-worked muscles. Some even appeared to peel themselves off of the walls before refastening themselves back into position.

Slowly, ever so slowly, an enormous something inched it's way out of the darkness.

Something round, and pulsating, and filled with teeth. Teeth on top of teeth. Teeth that surrounded teeth and rotated around teeth.

It was like the nightmarish platonic ideal of a carnivorous sea turtle…except that the 'turtle' part never showed itself. Just the mouth.

Out of its enormous gullet came a burbling gargle that almost appeared to be language. Was the thing attempting to speak?

"Can that thing actually talk?", she asked.

"Oh yes, very much so.", Alastor said. "Just give him a moment. It takes him a little time before he can properly speak."

As the gargling continued, she noticed an odd, rod-like growth slowly slithering out of the creature's gullet. It snaked around as it extended out the mouth and into the meager light.

A tongue? No, it was too lumpy and meaty to be a tongue. Tongues were largely muscles and fat. This was more like muscle and connective tissue covered in moisture.

The thing finally stopped just below them, sticking straight up like a meaty stalk with a bulb at the top. From the sides another set of meaty growths appeared, slowly growing outwards until they curved into the vague imitation of arms. At the top, an indentation formed at the 'bulb' where a mouth would be.

The thing palmed a cigarette (Chay had no idea form where) and stuck a match. It put the cigarette into its 'mouth' and puffed.

"Bonjour, Monsier Alastor.", it answered in perfect french. "Cela fait un moment."


"My lord Vox, I do not say this to insult you…but this might very well be the worst security detail I have ever seen."

In the lobby of the Vee Tower, Vox was silently listening to Bodfish giving him the most honest and brutal deconstruction of his building's security.

Valentino stood across from them, silently hearing the entire discussion with a smug grin.

Val had been telling them for years that their security was shit. The previous evening, Bodfish had confirmed every single suspicion he had; the Ram-Sinner had made a thorough inspection of the building, taking notes and tut-tuting every fault he found.

Sometimes, he only needed a little vindication to get rock hard.

"To begin with, your screening process for employees is absolute bollocks. For low level workers that might be understandable, but if what you and lord Valentino have been telling me is true-"

"That's right, you tell em cabron", Val concurred.

"-then even your hiring practices for confidential projects is filled with holes. By all that is unholy, how could you not realize that your own employees had been stealing from you?"

Vox said nothing. He simply grumbled something in the affirmative and hoped this conversation would quickly end.

"Well, worry no longer, my lord. I can assure you that WUL is not only the best security company in the Pentagram, but in all of the seven rings. We have a lot of work ahead of us, but I can guarantee that when I am finished, you will no longer want for security in your company."

If this limey fucker says the word 'security' one more goddamn time, Vox thought to himself. Even Velvette's accent didn't get on his nerves as badly as this guy did.

"Oi, ya posh cunt!"

Speak of the devil, the Overlord herself stormed into the lobby.

"One of your men just tried to feel up one of my employees!"

"Relax, madam Velvette,', Bodfish replied calmly. "He was simply frisking for weapons. Honestly, I'm surprised you've not at least taken the courtesy of installing a metal detector."

Velvette reached up and knocked on the side of Vox's screen.

"Yeah, brilliant suggestion genius.", she replied.

"...Quite.", said Bodfish. "Now, to business: My team will need reign of the building over the next 24 hours. We will be inspecting every floor for any possible security flaws, after which we shall make my recommendations and supply solutions at your request. For nominal fee, of course."

"Wait a minute.", Vox interjected. "The Extermination is tonight."

"You needn't worry about that, lord Vox.", Bodfish replied. "We're more than equipped to protect ourselves. I've survived over forty Exterminations, and I plan to survive many more."

"Yeah, good for you.", Vox replied. "So what happens now?"

"You do as you typically do during Exterminations: put the building under lockdown and leave every man for themselves."

"Fine.", Vox said. "You better be worth the fucking money, Bodfish."

"Mi amor,", Valentino cooed, "Need I remind you that you were the one who called him in the first place."

"I fucking know that!", he sighed. He wiped his hand down his screen face, leaving a squeaky impression on the 'glass'. "Just...just fucking come up stairs with me. We need to go over what you told me last night."

Val raised one of his fuzzy eyebrows. "Por que?"

"Because if she's willing to go that far, then we need to make so serious recalculations going forward., Vox replied.

"...'Scuse me.", Velvette interjected. "I'm kinda lost here. What the fuck happened?"


Fyewackett wasn't exactly sure what he should do in this situation.

Standing in front of him, roughly a foot or so taller, was the infamous monarch of Hell himself. This man, this creature, who was responsible for so many of his brethrens' suffering. It was because of him that Chariman Grizelle and a young Lucius had been forced to take the long march to Imp City in the first place.

And that wasn't even including the Exterminatons. The very thing he so callously signed off on, allowing not only his subjects but all of Hellkind to be subject to Heaven's death squads.

And all Fye could do was just stand there, dumbfounded.

Gishram kept on her raw egg sucking, as if nothing new had happened.

Lucifer's eyes whipped back and forth between the two Imps.

"Well now...this is awkward.", the king said.

"You're telling me.", Gishram replied.

"I, uh...I like your hats?", Lucifer said. "Also nice...paint job? On your horns there?"

The two Imps looked at each other. Neither one of them had any idea how they were supposed to reply.

"Sooo…", Lucifer began. "Seen any good movies lately?"

"This is so goddamn corny.", Gishram replied.

"Charlie?", Fyewackett yelled. "I could use some help here!"

"Dad?", Charlie asked as she mosied her way over to them. "Is there a problem?"

"No, no problem.", Lucifer said. "Just trying to make conversation with the help."

"Excuse me?", Fye asked through gritted teeth.

"Well, yeah!", Lucifer responded cheerfully. "Charlie hired you guys to work at the Hotel, right? Real progressive, Char-Char."

"Oh, daddy, don't be silly. I didn't hire them. They volunteered!"

"Yes.", Fye responded. "We volunteered to help improve the Hotel's security. We were paid afterwards but only as reward for our hardwork."

"Heh, yeah.", Lucifer said. "Much like how Angel is a 'volunteer'. I get it."

Gishram spat out an egg shell. "Did this motherfucker just call me a whore?"

"No no, of course not.", Lucifer answered awkwardly. "I mean that you simply provided a service, and then were in turn given money for that service. Isn't capitalism wonderful?"

Gishram reached around to grab for Jude.

"I'm about five more words and three steps away from shanking this godda-"

She was interrupted by the sound of the front door opening in the lobby, bathing the room in crimson afternoon light.

It revealed both Lucius and Viola, casually walking in with yawns.

"...Huh.", Fye said. "I didn't even hear the helicopter land."

It was Viola who spoke up first, looking behind her as she shut the door.

"Charlie, we're back. Lucius left a coffee stain in the interio-huh?"

Both Imps halted a few feet from Lucifer, who casually looked over his shoulder at the two Imps.

Lucius's eyes began to glow.

CHAPTER 25 END