Lily

She could tell she was hurting him, but she couldn't prevent herself from retreating into herself.

Couldn't stop avoiding him whenever he meant to catch her eye, whenever he attempted to catch her in the corridor and she fled. Two weeks into November, her interactions had gone from meeting nearly every day to her avoiding him at all costs.

DEATH TO ALL MUDBLOODS AND THOSE WHO SUPPORT THEM

It was on blast in her mind nearly all of her waking hours. She found herself even pulling away from Marlene and the others, feigning Head Duties to excuse herself from their study table in the Library, or from meals in the Great Hall.

She was ever aware of the eyes of the other students on her - as she'd expected, news of the slogan that had been written on the wall had been passed around, though she caught different variations in passing in the corridors between classes.

"It said, KILL ALL MUDBLOODS AND THEIR FAMILIES," a 2nd Year Slytherin said to their friend.

A Ravenclaw Prefect to a Hufflepuff. "I heard it said, TORTURE ALL MUDBLOODS AND BLOOD TRAITORS."

A scared 5th Year Gryffindor in the corner of the Common Room. "I'm telling you - it said, DEAL WITH THE MUDBLOODS BY DEATH."

Nearly all of them were wrong, but the sentiments were all nearly the same, though. It all meant the same, at least.

It was terrifying; never before had something been so blatant in front of the students. Sure, news of Death Eater attacks would creep into the gossip, but they'd remained safe inside the walls of the castle. This had felt like a threat.

Lily's stomach was in knots, her chest tight as she tried to breathe through the internal panic.

James's aptitude for finding her was damned-near perfect though; somehow, impossibly, he'd find her between classes or meals - even when she went out of her way to change up her routine, even if it meant being late for classes.

God, did she regret being with him?

Absolutely not. Her body still craved his touches; she'd fall into constant daydreams of what he'd done to her, her body's reaction fast and heady - yet she could no longer manage to get off on her own, as if her body was punishing her for indirectly punishing him.

"Okay, what's the deal?" Marlene cornered her in the bathroom after Charms class, where Lily tried to ignore Flitwick's disappointed look for her lack of interaction within the session - not for the first time.

"What do you mean?" Lily asked carefully, turning off the tap and avoiding the witch's eyes in the mirror from behind her.

"This 'I've got Head Duties', or 'I can't hang out, I've got to do homework' ignoring us - shite you've got going on."

"I have got a lot going on," Lily sighed, shaking her hands of the excess water. "I don't mean to -"

"Oh, rubbish," Marlene snapped, coming to block Lily's path towards the drying-cloth. "You are ignoring us. Hell, you've been ignoring James - "

"Marlene."

"It's the truth!" Marlene cried out. "Ever since what - that stupid vandalism in the Entrance Hall?"

Lily twisted with a glare, forgoing the drying-cloth and darting around her friend to exit the loo. "It wasn't just vandalism, Marlene. It was a threat."

Marlene huffed as she struggled to keep up. "Is that anything new you've dealt with, Lily? The bullying, the harassment -"

"That isn't new, Marlene," Lily retorted over her shoulder. "I know it isn't! But the threats against my friends, towards those who support Muggleborns, that's new."

Marlene's brows knitted as she stopped in the corridor. "How -"

Lily's steps halted when she noticed her friend had stopped, taking an impatient breath. "Emmeline's dad works at the Ministry, in connection with the Department of Muggle Relations. The department alone has been cut at least 75% from its original assigned members."

Marlene took a step back, snapping her mouth shut.

"Do you know how many wizards and witches in the Wizengamot who supported Muggleborn-integrations have tendered their resignation over the last few months? How many happened to have family members murdered in the attacks that have been happening?"

"Lily…" Marlene shifted between feet, at a clear loss of what to say.

"By mere association, these people are putting themselves in danger - and why would I let you do that to yourselves? By being my friend?"

"But nothing's happened," Marlene cut in. "We're fine - nothing's happened to us."

"Yet," Lily spoke aloud the silent implication. "Yet," she repeated, stepping closer to her best mate as she urged her to silently understand.

"You're daft," Marlene said in a low voice, looking at Lily with disappointment.

Lily smiled bitterly, looking away. "I know."

Two days later, James was finally able to corner her.

"Are you avoiding me?"

In an ironic semblance of James confronting her two months ago, Lily felt caught out as she snuck into their shared Head's Office, the one she'd been avoiding and only visiting when she knew he had other commitments.

"What's happened to Quidditch Practice?" she blurted, twisting away from the desk.

"I've cancelled it," he replied, staring at her with a closed expression. "Are you avoiding me?"

Lily looked away from him, down at the desk just to evade his eyes. "I've been busy."

"Right."

"And I've had to… catch up on homework."

"Sure," he said, the tone in his voice peculiar.

Involuntarily, Lily looked towards him, afraid of what she'd find.

His expression was no longer as closed, instead, his brow narrowed, his eyes bright with hurt. "Have you been avoiding me? "

Lily exhaled in a stuttering breath, quickly dropping any plans of working on actual Head Duties and heading towards the door. "Please let me pass."

"Not until you tell me why," James said quietly. "Why you've been avoiding me."

"I haven't -"

"Please don't lie to me," he cut in.

Lily could already feel her throat starting to tighten. "I'm not -"

"Don't," he requested softly.

She closed her mouth, letting her eyes fall shut as she swallowed hard. "Please just let me pass."

Through the darkness behind her eyelids, she listened to the silence, until - the subtle shift of fabric.

Scared, she opened her eyes to find James had moved, shifted sideways with just enough space to let her through the open door.

Seizing the opportunity, she rushed forward to pass by him, heart stuck in her throat as brushed past him.

For a moment, she thought he'd reach out - grab at her arm, stop her - but he let her pass with no interference.

Successfully through the door, Lily breathed in shakily, raising her hand to rub at the spot above her sternum to ease the sudden pain.

"Wait," James's voice demanded from just behind her, and with a heart-stopping tug, he pulled at her arm and twisted him towards her, bringing them face to face. "You -"

"Well shite, we've certainly lowered our standards, haven't we?" called a voice - Avery.

As they turned, Lily instinctively took a step away from James.

"I didn't realize you understood what standards were, Avery," James was quick to snap back, his cutting smirk sliding into place. "Though… can't say for sure you've even had any of your own."

"One to talk, Potter," Mulciber spat. "Slumming it with Mudbloods from the start, haven't you? Don't think we haven't seen you chasing after this mudblood slut for some tail."

The barbs against her rolled off of Lily - the insults old and overused; but James .

James's body tensed from beside her; she could see his hands clench at his sides out of the corner of her eyes. Still, he remained silent, not raising to the bait.

Avery knocked his elbow against Mulciber's arm. "Heard Mulciber's dear old dad ran into your parents in Diagon Alley, Potter. Looking a bit frail and old, aren't they? Not much fightin' left in them."

They'd mentioned his parents. James's doting parents. Was it a threat? Did they happen to keep an eye on all Pureblood families outside of the Ministry?

James bared his teeth. "I suspect they looked healthier than your dad; heard he just got out of a holding cell in Azkaban?"

"Yeah, just got out. You see how they can't hold us down for long?"

This was escalating, quickly.

In flash, James had retrieved his wand, brandishing it.

The two Slytherins had done the same.

"No, stop!" Lily shouted, trying to keep her trembling under control. "Would you all like McGonagall to hear? She's right around the corner in her office, I bet."

"Sounds like it's worth the risk," Avery mumbled, adjusting the grip on his wand. "What say you, Potter?"

James narrowed his eyes, his wand held steady.

"Go back to the dungeons," Lily snapped. "You really want to fight Head Boy and Girl? Are you looking to get expelled?"

There was a long pause as the two Slytherin boys communicated via silent side-eye, until eventually, they slowly lowered their wands.

"Be watching you," Mulciber murmured, as they slowly ambled past where James and Lily had been standing.

James watched them as they went, his glare fixed.

He didn't speak until they were gone from the corridor, and even longer still. "What the hell were they doing up here?" he asked, more to himself than him.

She turned on her heel and left.

"Wait, wait," James hissed, catching up to her rather quickly, slipping his hand into her in order to stop her progress.

"Let go," she said immediately, tugging on her hand, worried he would feel it shaking.

He pulled it back, pulling it hard enough that her body twisting back around to face him, pulling her incredibly close - close, but not touching.

"I won't," he murmured, eyes roaming her face. He was riled from the near-altercation, she could see it written in the lines of his face, the lines of his frame.

She did her best to keep her expression neutral, closed. "Please."

The corner of his mouth turned up for the briefest moment; he'd misconstrued her Please in the manner he'd become accustomed. She couldn't blame him.

His brow furrowed as he studied her expression more closely. "You can't be serious."

Unbidden, her own painful smile tugged at her lips as she began to murmur the over-told joke, "No, he's -"

"Stop," he cut in sharply, "I'm not kidding. What are you saying right now?"

"This -" she gestured between them, her free hand accidentally knocking into his middle. "This can't go on."

He shook his head, immediately grabbing onto her other hand where it hovered between them. "Don't be fucking stupid, Evans. You can't mean that."

Her own brows furrowed as a flash of embarrassed annoyance cut through her. "Don't tell me what I mean, Potter. I've meant it. We're done. We can't keep doing - this - whatever this is."

"Stop, Lily," he said, his voice a plea. The grip on her hands tightened. "Why are -"

"Let go," she whispered, her throat tight. " Please , James."

There was another beat - a long standstill between them as James stared down at her, his gaze penetrating, as if to suss out the seriousness of her words.

Lily steeled her own gaze, forcing all of her pain, anxiety, and doubt down and away where she hoped he couldn't see it.

James finally dropped her hands, releasing her from his grasp.

Wordlessly, he backed away from her and turned, leaving her to watch his back as he disappeared from view.


James

"You're awfully quiet this morning," Sirius murmured, taking a long pull from his glass of juice.

In actuality, James had been silent all morning. Ever since last night, when he'd let go of Lily's hands per her demand.

He wasn't sure what he'd say if he opened his mouth.

"Did you end up owling your mum? Are we thinking of going home for the holiday break?"

James shrugged, pushing around the eggs on his plate with his fork.

"Or was this the year they were going to visit Mallorca?"

James wasn't sure. It was either Mallorca or somewhere in France.

"Merlin, Prongs," Sirius huffed, shoving away his plate. "Not much to say, then?"

There was movement towards the Great Hall's entrance that made him look up, but it was only a flash of a red Gryffindor scarf.

He felt sick.

Something had to have gone very wrong. He hadn't thought Lily had found out about the older Slytherin boys having had to spent time in the Hospital Wing - a combination of permanent Wrackspurt dandruff stuck to their bare skin - but it was possible she had.

He'd ruined it by being juvenile, like the fucking prat he'd been in 5th Year.

"Brilliant," Sirius murmured beside him. "Suppose we might as well get going. Prongs?"

James made a non-committal noise.

"Ah, finally, he speaks."

"Did he really?" Remus asked idly, having sat silent himself for most of their breakfast meal. Fairly so - the full moon was due in a week. Between the physical strain and emotional burden, James had never been more sympathetic to Remus's situation.

"He made a sound, that as good as counts," Sirius pointed out.

"As a response, maybe," Remus countered. "I wouldn't consider it speech."

"Peter, what do you say?" Sirius demanded.

"Speech," Peter said definitely. "When he's like this, I've already considered it Prongs Speech."

Sirius snorted, clapping on the boy's shoulder. "See? Well noted."

The three other boys looked closely at James, who stared back unimpressed.

"Well then," Sirius said bracingly, smacking his hands down onto the tabletop. "Suppose that settles it. Shall we head to Muggle Studies?"

Not willing to give the satisfaction, James simply pushed his plate away and stood silently, grabbing his bag from beneath the table. He raised his brows at Sirius with an expectant look.

"Alright, alright," Sirius hissed, retrieving his own bag. "Silently lead the way then, Prongs."

James wanted to hex him.

Muggle Studies was a disaster. James had ended up knocking over the basin of petrol they'd been using to study. The odor of it had been headache-inducing, increasing his foul mood by ten-fold.

He ended up assisting the professor with casting an air-flow charm to help ventilate the classroom well after the class ended, meaning he missed his chance to run into Lily.

James's stomach was starting to tighten with anxiety as he begun to come to terms with the idea that he hadn't missed his chance - it was starting to feel like he'd lost it.

Had he ever had it to begun with?

He thought of the first time she kissed him - on the stairs, just before he had to leave her to help Moony.

And then he'd confronted her - she hadn't quite admitted to anything, but they'd snogged. She let him touch her. He thought finally, he was hers.

And then, like that, she'd taken it away.

It was well within her rights, of course - he knew that. Gods, he absolutely knew that - knew she had the power to do anything that she wanted.

The coil within his chest had just hoped it would always involve him.

And so for the next few weeks - up until holiday's break - James did his best to wallow in his own pity as he watched her from a distance. And when they had to interact for Head Duties, he'd kept civil, polite - and when he'd accidentally make eye contact with her, did all that he could to not show the hurt he'd been feeling.

"Fucking snap out of it, Prongs," Sirius scolded the eve of the train returning to London.

"Out of what?" he asked, irritated, laid out on his bed. The snitch he'd kept in his nightstand was flitting in and out of his reach, but he had no desire to retrieve it. The hum of it was nice - soothing, if anything.

"This fucking - whatever this is -"

James rolled out of bed, not in the mood to hear another diatribe about how he'd been acting.

"If I had known she -"

"Oi," James snapped warningly.

"I'm just saying - "

James whirled, pointing a threatening finger. "Don't go there, Padfoot."

Sirius threw his hands up with a scoff. "Whatever, mate. I'm over it."

James opened his mouth with his own retort - but realized he had nothing to say. Angry, annoyed, hurt, James instead flipped him off and stormed into the loo and slammed the door behind him.

"Very mature, Prongs!"

He stood over the sink, huffing as he braced his hands against the porcelain, his stomach knotting.

Lily hadn't wanted him. The spot in his chest ached with the knowledge.

He'd heard she had planned on returning home for the Holiday Break, to which is why he assumed Sirius had mentioned something about the train leaving in the morning. Perhaps her being gone from the castle would be… helpful. He wouldn't have to ignore her presence in classes or in the Great Hall.

James couldn't be sure how many times his legs had automatically put him in the path that would lead to her between sessions, but he'd find himself often having to redirect in order to ensure they didn't cross paths.

It didn't help that he'd often find himself, instead, in the places he and Lily had found detours in quite often during their patrols.

In the present moment, James reached out to splash frigid cold water onto his face, rubbing at his eyes till they burned.