"Friends?" Leliana wrinkled her nose in disgust. I groaned, lying back on the grass.

We were sitting on a sloping hill overlooking the Halla enclosure as the night drew in around us. The rest of our party was gathered around a fire in the centre of the camp, but my one-on-one excursion with Alistair hadn't gone unnoticed. I had managed to duck Grayson's attempts at cornering me, but as the evening stretched on, I had let my guard down enough to be separated from the group and had found myself accosted by Leliana, Zevran and Morrigan.

"How could you let this happen?" The bard demanded, dragging me by the arm to sit upright. "Tell me again what he said to Wynne?"

"He just said that he wasn't sure if he had done the right thing." I muttered, squirming. "Have I mentioned how comfortable I'm not with talking about this?"

"Your comfort is of little consequence." Morrigan said, wryly. "I am afraid you lost the privilege of keeping your feelings to yourself when they started setting things alight."

"I have it under control." I insisted. "I just…he was flirting with her."

"Truly?" Zevran raised an eyebrow. "I admit, I am rather sad that I missed it. I cannot imagine our friend flirting with anyone. Not competently, at least."

"He was not." Morrigan said, rolling her eyes. "You have just spent so long ignoring him that you have forgotten what it looks like when he talks."

"I can't believe you're defending him!" I started to bristle in annoyance, before I remembered who I was talking to. Morrigan would never defend Alistair without cause, and would rarely defend him even then. "Oh. Right. I really can't believe you're defending him. Have I just gone insane, do you think?"

"I'll say." Leliana scoffed. "Friends! I mean, honestly, Lauren. I thought you were smarter than this."

"Why?" I demanded, with an exasperated laugh. "Because I have such a sparkling track-record of smart decisions under my belt? What was my highlight, do you think? When I got myself captured in Denerim or when I died?"

"Neither of those things were your fault." She snapped, irritably. "You know that is not what I meant."

"Would a friendship with Alistair be such a terrible thing?" Zevran asked, wincing under Leliana's withering glare. "My dear Leliana, even you must admit that the last few weeks have been trying for us all."

"But they are not friends! They are supposed to be together."

"You're such a romantic. I'm sorry to disappoint you." I glowered, wrapping my arms around my legs and dropping my head to my knees.

"Perhaps, a taste of his own medicine would bring him to his senses, no?" Zevran suggested, before lowering his voice, wickedly. "You should make a move on the other Warden. Jealousy, as you have discovered, can be a powerful motivator."

"Sure, why not?" I grumbled. "Let me just jeopardise the fate of the world by turning the two remaining Grey Wardens in Ferelden against each other by snogging Grayson in front of Alistair."

I felt Morrigan's eyes boring into me at the same time that Leliana slapped my thigh, with a little more force than was necessary.

"Kidding. Obviously." I said, rolling my eyes.

"You may have a point." Zevran mused, thoughtfully. "Well, if you were looking for a willing participant in such a charade, I would happily offer my services."

"No, Zevran. Not you." I sighed, rolling my eyes. "Kissing Cousland would make Alistair jealous. Kissing you would just make him concerned for my sanity. I'm not sure how templars go about checking someone for demonic possession, but I imagine it's a pain I can probably live without."

"You wound me, Warden." Zevran said, clutching his heart, dramatically.

"Not a Warden, remember." I muttered, glumly. "I'm an ex-Warden and an ex-girlfriend, and all I did was die. I don't want to be dramatic, but I don't think anyone's death has cost them more than mine has cost me. Usually the dead are lucky enough to stay that way, they don't have to come back and deal with the consequences."

"Well, you are not dead, so you have to at least try to start living again." Morrigan said, firmly.

"I'm not?" I asked, bitterly. "How can you tell? I have no purpose beyond stopping a blight that I am now physically incapable of stopping. I have no home, no boyfriend, and no life beyond this, and yet, my hair and fingernails continue to grow. As far as I can tell, the only real difference is that death was peaceful."

"You have friends." Zevran said, gently.

"Friends." Leliana repeated, scowling. "Oh, this is so frustrating! I just want to knock your beautiful, ridiculous heads together!"

"Truthfully, we all thought he would come to his senses before we even left Redcliffe." Zevran said, thoughtfully. I raised my head from my knees and glowered at him.

"What do you mean, we all?" I asked. "Who's we?"

"Everyone." Leliana sighed. "All of us."

"Even the golem was confused." Zevran shrugged, apologetically.

"So you've all been gossiping about us behind my back?" I asked, narrowing my eyes. "Some friends."

"We are gossiping about you to your front." Zevran said, helpfully.

I groaned again, dropping my head back down.

"Maybe Zevran's right." I said, after a long silence. He opened his mouth, with a hopeful look on his face, and I cut him off. "No, I'm not going to make out with you, Zev. I mean maybe you're right that…it's not a terrible idea, us being friends. It's not like we've never been friends before. And we do have more important things to deal with right now. It might be time to just…put my feelings aside and focus on the task at hand. That might be easier if I'm not constantly holding my breath and waiting for him to fix things."

Leliana looked appalled at this suggestion and I sighed, miserably.

"I'm not exactly jumping for joy at the prospect." I assured her. "I'm just so tired, Leliana. I'm so close to being done. Morrigan's right, I haven't figured out how to live again in this world. I've been too busy being heart-broken to even try. I have to figure things out for myself. I can't do that if all of my time is spent waiting for him to love me."

"I suppose." She conceded, pouting. "But I won't give up on you two."

I laughed, and pulled her into a one-armed hug.

"Good. Somebody should hold onto hope for me." I said, with a decisive nod. "There's not a soul in the world who hopes quite like you do, Leliana. But I think…maybe I'm done. For real, this time."

"Oh, Lauren. I know it is difficult, but-"

"It's not difficult, Leliana." I cut her off, shaking my head. "It's worse than that. It's unbearable. And it's not just Alistair, it's everything. The things I've been through…the things I've lost. I can't sit here and pretend that I don't want Alistair back. You all know that I do. But I want myself back more. I love him more than anything. But I loved myself first. And I don't know if this world will let me hold onto her. I hardly recognise the person that I am anymore."

"You will regain your strength, in time." Zevran said, kindly. "You must be patient with yourself."

"I don't have time to be patient…it's not like the world will wait for me. I just keep on falling further and further behind. And I don't mean I don't recognise my body. I can already feel myself getting stronger, physically. I mean…" I sighed, reluctantly. "I just…I used to be so sure of myself. I don't have that anymore." I trailed off, chewing my lip. "I don't know how you do it. Any of you. This world chews you up and spits you out and you just…dust yourselves off and carry on."

"Speaking of chewing…" Zevran said, glancing pointedly in the direction of the campfire. "Perhaps you should take the opportunity to indulge in a meal that was not prepared by our dear mutual friend. There is a chance it may actually be edible. When was the last time you ate?"

"You three should go ahead." I said, releasing Leliana from my side. She started to protest but I waved her off. "I'm fine, honestly. I'll be along soon. I just need some time to myself. She and I have some things to figure out."

"You are certain?" Zevran asked, though he had already started walking.

"Absolutely." I said, with a reassuring smile. "Save me a plate, will you? I'm still getting used to fighting the Grey Wardens for scraps. It's quite revolting, really, the way they inhale their food, now that I've seen it from the other side."

"I always found you to be more impressive than revolting." Zevran assured me, with a wink.

"At least now you know what we have been dealing with all this time." Leliana giggled, and planted a swift kiss on my cheek before rising to her feet to join Zevran.

They left together, but Morrigan hesitated, looking at me cautiously.

"Go." I urged, with what I hoped was an easy grin. "I'm fine."

"No." She said, sadly. "You are not."

I opened my mouth to argue, before thinking better of it.

"You're right." I conceded. "I'm not fine. But I think I will be."

"You must be." She said, firmly. "Lauren Duval…you did not travel between worlds to overcome taint and torture and death, only to be bested by a man who was not worthy of you to begin with."

"I wouldn't say-" I started to defend Alistair's worthiness but she cut me off.

"Swear it." She demanded. "Swear to me that you will find your strength. I cannot bear to see you brought so low. You have given me strength, in difficult times. You taught me to believe that I could allow myself to love. Seeing you like this…it has given me cause for doubt."

"Oh no, don't do that." I said, quickly. "No projecting, Morrigan. I forbid you from projecting. You're not me, and Alistair isn't Grayson."

She scoffed, folding her arms.

"That much is obvious." She sneered. "Were Alistair half the man that Grayson is, he would have never allowed fear to rule him."

"And if I was half the woman you are, I wouldn't have let it break me quite so pathetically." I smirked, gently. She looked down at me, regretfully, and looked as though she wanted to reassure me that that wasn't what she had meant, but I didn't need her to. "I will be fine, Morrigan. I don't know if I can swear it, just yet but…for the first time in a long time, I think I might actually believe it. At least, I want to believe it. Trust me…that's a pretty humongous step up from where I've been these last couple of weeks."

She sniffed, looking away from me. I watched the way her eyebrows knitted together, and her expression grew conflicted. Her eyes darted from side-to-side as her thoughts raced, and I raised my eyebrows at her, cocking my head to the side to catch her attention.

"Did I ever tell you that I didn't have friends until I came to Thedas?" I asked. She looked up at me, curiously. "It's true. Emily was my only friend and, given that she was my sister, I'm not sure that really counts."

"I find that difficult to believe." She said, doubtfully. "Friendship seems to come so easily to you."

"Weird, right?" I said, thoughtfully. "Don't get me wrong, I was never exactly an outcast. I didn't grow up alone in the woods with only my mother for company, or anything." I threw her a sly, sideways glance to make sure she knew I was teasing.

"Well, that is a relief. I imagine that sort of isolation might turn a person rather strange and disagreeable." She smirked.

"My social isolation was self-inflicted." I grinned. "I just…never needed anyone. I liked being by myself, and other people bored me. I never knew how to be anything other than who I was, and I didn't see any point in pretending."

"Nor should you." She said, appreciatively. "Most people are fools, and hardly worthy of your time."

"Of course." I nodded. "Before I came to Thedas, I had no interest in love or friendship...any of it, really. And I was content. I had so much beautiful time. If things had been different, I don't know how much longer I might have felt that way. There was this man who lived near us. People were afraid of him because they thought he was crazy."

"Was he?"

"Oh, definitely. Beyond a shadow of a doubt. Yeah, he was stark-raving." I nodded. "He used to walk around the village talking to himself. He didn't have a friend in the world. I used to visit him. I thought that one day, that would be me. I'd be an old, crazy lady, living by myself. And I was fine with it."

"So…you would be Flemeth?" She asked, raising an amused eyebrow.

I smiled, shaking my head.

"She had you." I reminded her. "And crazy Bert had me. And I had Emily. Because I was wrong, you see. We need people. All of us do. Sure, people might be terrible and selfish and cruel and stupid - sometimes all at once - but it doesn't matter, because people are all we have."

I pushed myself to my feet and made my way over to her. I expected her to flinch away from the contact when I took her hands in mine, but she surprised me by returning my grasp with a reassuring squeeze.

"Friendship isn't a chore, it's a gift. Being friends with Alistair is…a complicated feeling. There's a part of me that wants it, even though it hurts. Even though it means what we had before is over. The friends I've made here are the only reason I'm still going. I can't do this by myself. But Alistair's friendship won't be the thing that helps me find my strength again." I said, softly. "Your friendship, though? That just might."

She threw her arms around me, pulling me close to her. I was so shocked by the unexpected gesture of affection that I froze, my arms hovering on either side of her waist as my brain struggled to process that she was hugging me. I gently folded my arms across her back and allowed myself to relax into her embrace. The only other time I could remember her hugging me was the night I had come back from the dead, and I had chalked that up to an involuntary shock reaction.

"You're going soft." I smiled into her ear, and she laughed, quietly, drawing herself back up to her full height and resting her hands on my shoulders. She studied my face, and a fond smile played on her lips.

"If you tell anyone, I shall deny it, of course." She said, warmly.

"Why, Morrigan. If I'd known that all I had to do to win you over was die, horribly, I'd have done it ages ago."

"'Twas not your death that won me over, Lauren." She scoffed, rolling her eyes. "I much prefer you when you are alive. Though you were far more agreeable as a corpse."

"Agreeability is for the birds, baby." I smirked. "Well…maybe not all the birds."

"No. Some of us have talons as sharp as our wits." She agreed, with a wry smile.

"Maybe one day, you'll teach me that shape-shifting trick of yours." I said, raising my eyebrows hopefully. She laughed, stepping away from me. "My mother always said I was a bird."

"Perhaps, one day. When you are ready." She smirked. "For now, let us concentrate on keeping you from burning down this world we have been tasked with saving."

"It was worth a try." I sighed, resuming my seat on the grass. "Go. Eat. Be merry. Find some handsome Grey Warden to canoodle with. I'll be fine."

"Yes." She said, turning to leave with an affectionate smile. "I believe you will be."

She shifted into a raven and took off in the direction of the campsite.

"Show off!" I called over my shoulder, grinning.

I lay back on the grass, squirming to get comfortable.

"Just me and you now, Lauren." I said to myself. "And…Valour. Sorry. I always forget about you."

The spirit responded with its usual silence. I sighed, looking up at the stars. I needed this time, alone.

I had been so afraid of diving beneath the surface of my own mind, but it was time. I was too raw before. I was still healing, and I knew it would be a slow and painful process, but I had to rip off the bandage and cut out the infection, or the wounds would never heal properly.

I had a sudden memory of hard scales being chiselled away from raw, pink flesh, and I struggled, for a moment, to place it, before I realised it was from one of the last episodes of Game of Thrones I had seen. One of the last times I had ever watched television. I groaned, inwardly. God, I missed television. As far as bards went, Leliana was more than adequate, but nobody here knew what real entertainment was. Sure, they had monsters and dragons and magic, but it wasn't the same when it was real and really trying to kill you.

I had told Flemeth that this world was trying to kill me, but I didn't believe that anymore. Killing me hadn't been enough. The world wanted to destroy me. It wanted everything that I was. After Alistair had broken up with me, I had almost let myself be destroyed. Part of me would have welcomed it.

Why? Pain was only a feeling. It shouldn't have stripped away my sense of self like that. I had never doubted myself like this before. So it had to be something more than pain. My grasp on myself felt so tenuous now. Like I was holding on by my fingertips.

Before Alistair, I had Emily. She was my person. She made me brave. I was always strong because she needed me to be. I was confident because she was shy. I was mean because she was too nice, and she needed someone mean to keep the wolves at bay. She had been my anchor. I always knew who I was when I was with her. I didn't have to question it. She was the string that tethered my paper kite heart. When that cord had been severed, I didn't have time to feel lost. Every moment was still so full of her.

When Alistair had taken over her role of anchor, I hadn't even noticed. It had been such an elegant hand-over that I didn't even feel the shift in my centre of gravity. It had all just felt so right, and so safe. And now, I had been cut loose again. That was the only thing that could explain the feeling that I had been slowly drifting away from myself.

I frowned, in angry determination. No. I wasn't a fucking kite dressed as a girl. I was more than the people who loved me and the people who left me behind. What was it that Flemeth had said? Trust no one but yourself. Rely on no one, depend on no one. The world will swallow you whole if you give yourself over…you saved yourself.

So what, if I didn't have an anchor? What did an anchor do, anyway, but hold you down? What had I to fear from the sky? My mother always said I was a bird. It was time for me to learn how to fly solo.

"I am Lauren Duval." I whispered through gritted teeth, closing my eyes and branding the words into my heart. "I am enough on my own. I survived the Battle of Ostagar. I stormed a tower full of demons and rescued the future Commander of the Inquisition. I defeated a Sten of the Beresaad in single combat. I punched Seth Logan in the face and it felt amazing. I fought an army of the undead and saved an entire town. I have endured torture and imprisonment. I have endured the loss of my sister. I have endured death. I am Lauren Duval. I can endure anything."

I vowed to myself, then and there, that this was the last day I would cry over Alistair. The boy said he didn't want me, and he didn't want me. The man told me it was over, and I listened. It was time for me to be strong again. It was time for me to be me again.

If this world wanted to destroy me, I wasn't going to make it easy. If this world was going to swallow me, then I would make sure it choked on me. If the world was trying to kill me, I would kill it back. I would be my own person. I would make myself brave.

I was Lauren Duval. I could endure anything.

"Lauren Duval." I whispered to myself, with a smirk. "Welcome back."

AN: This chapter was probably more for me than anyone else. Lauren and I had to spend some time getting to know each other again. It's not self-indulgent, it's meta. I learned that from the internet, probably.

dude41: Thanks for the review, it's nice to see a familiar name! I'm glad to be back. I've had a lot of fun these last few days. And I've had four years to come up with all kinds of batshit insane ideas that may or may not work but you've hung in there this long so let's find out together.