Chapter 15: The Wedding

It was now Saturday, the day of Lori and Chandler's "wedding". True to his word, Clyde convinced Chandler's family to prepare everything. They location they chose to have the event at was the Royal Woods High School gymnasium. In just one week, they had transformed the said room into a beautiful wedding hall, complete with food, decorations and even a six-foot-tall ice sculpture. All the children from Royal Woods High, Middle and Elementary Schools were dressed in their fanciest clothes. Lincoln wasn't present since the Louds were still under the stupid impression that he was bad luck. But Chandler's family along with Ronnie Anne were present. Everybody made sure not to tell Bobby about what was happening. So he didn't known that Lori was being forced into an unwanted marriage before they could get back together . . . yet. "Man. I can't believe we have to go to school on SATURDAY!" complained Lola.

"I know. Why couldn't we have had this wedding during Monday's math test?" asked Leni.

"Good thing that Luan is not here. She would've used her pranks to ruin this whole wedding," said Ronnie Anne.

"Our parents would've made sure that she wouldn't do anything to ruin it," said Lucy.

"Good thing Stinkoln is here. He would've ruined the wedding with his bad luck," said Lynn Jr.

"Lynn, let's just drop the bad luck thing until the wedding is over, okay?" asked Lana.

"Fine," said Lynn Jr.

In no time at all, Lori Loud and Chandler McCann were standing in front of Principal Rivers, who was doing the ceremony. Both Lori and Chandler looked quite ill. "Chandler McCann, do you take Lori Loud to be your lawfully wedded wife?" asked Principal Rivers.

"B-B-Bubba bobba hob-hobba-hobba wah-wah," said Chandler.

"Lori Loud, do you take Chandler McCann to be your lawfully wedded husband?" asked Principal Rivers.

Before Lori could say either "I do", everybody heard the sound of the door to the gymnasium being kicked open. "No, she doesn't!" said a voice. It was Bobby Santiago.

"Boo-boo Bear! Thank goodness you're here! I've been forced into this wedding by Chandelier McBane!" said Lori. Chandler finally was able to speak.

"It's Chandler McCann! CHANDLER MCCANN!" cried Chandler.

"Stuff it! Just because Lori and I aren't on speaking terms, doesn't give you the right to try to steal her from me! I was hoping that she would see that Lincoln isn't bad luck! And you trying to marry her is not helping our case!" said Bobby.

"Hey, look over there, it's Larry!" said Chandler, pointing toward the left of Bobby.

"Huh?" asked Bobby, looking toward the direct Chandler pointed. But when he looked, he saw Lincoln wasn't there. Bobby then looked back and saw Chandler wasn't next to him. And he saw why. Chandler was trying to flee the gymnasium. Bobby then began to run after Chandler. "I'M GONNA GRIND YOU INTO HEAD CHEESE, CHANDELIER MCBANE!" yelled Bobby. Chandler screamed as he ran for the door. But unfortunately, some of the guests who were victims of Chandler stood in front of the door, cutting him off. With his only escape sealed off, Chandler ran to the back of the room where the refreshments tables were at. He hid behind two large wooden pillars.

Bobby approached the pillars and grasped them with his mighty hands. With a horrible, bear-like roar, he pushed the right pillar over. It land on the back of the luncheon table, causing the table to split in two. In the process, the front of the table flipped high in the air. Unfortunately for everybody, this sent all of the food flying into the crowd.

The creamy candied carrots clobbered the kindergartners. The fatty fried fish fritters flipped onto the first graders. The sweet-n-sour spaghetti squash splattered the second graders. Three thousand thawing thimbleberries thudded the third graders. Five hundred frosted fudgy fruitcakes flogged the fourth gradders. Fifty-five fistfuls of fancy french-fried frankfurters flattened the fifth graders. Sixty thousand spinach and bacon salads smashed the sixth graders. Seven hundred syrup seasoned sausages slugged the seventh graders. Eight million eggplant and elderberry enchiladas egged the eighth graders. Nine thousand noodle and nougat nachos nicked the ninth graders. Ten thousand tomato and tangerine tacos trampled the tenth graders. Eleven billion eggfruit and eel eclairs exacerbated the eleventh graders. Twelve million trout and taffy tofu trampled the twelfth graders. And thirteen billion tangerine and tabasco tarts trounced the teachers and other adults.

By now, you're probably worried that the wedding guests had nothing to drink with their lovely appetizers. Well, rest assured, the second pillar took care of that. Bobby pushed the left pillar into fresh fruit displayed, causing it to topple over, sending two large watermelons crashing down into two oversized punch bowls. This created two enormous splashes of tropical fruit-flavored punch, which rained down upon the wedding guests like a torrential downpour.

Now, no wedding is complete without a wedding cake. And when Bobby kicked the ice sculpture over, the resulting crash sent the beautiful double-deckered cake flipping flipping into the air, right over Bobby's head. "I'VE GOT YOU NOW!" screamed Bobby triumphantly, as he grabbed Chandler by the necktie. Chandler undid his tie and ran out of the gymnasium screaming just as the wedding cake came down on Bobby's head with a tremendous SPLAT! Chandler ran until he got into the kitchen.

"Man, I thought I was done for. I guess that's what I get for going to school on a Saturday. At least I'm away from that grizzly bear," said Chandler. But he spoke too soon. For Bobby burst into the kitchen, angrier than ever.

"CHANDELIER MCBANE!" screamed Bobby. Chandler screamed and tried to run for it again. As he was running, he bumped into a table that sent a large amount into a large bowl, which consisted of the following ingredients in the follow order: 100 eggs, 150 cups of flour, 200 boxes of baking soda, 7 quarts of green food coloring, 50 sticks of butter, 150 cups of sugar and 200 bottles of vinegar.


I had fun writing this chapter. Now, since I knew that other students past the fifth grade were attending the wedding, this gave me the chance to come up with some crazy dishes for them to get hit by. I just let my imagination run wild for that paragraph. For those who read the Captain Underpants books, you probably guess what's going to happen when those ingredients Chandler accidentally sent into the bowl in the last paragraph will result in . . .