Elphaba can only stare in horror as the lump that's been growing inside her begins to squirm. It begins to flail its arms and claw at the air, desperately seeking for something to grab onto. No matter how much she desperately tries to back away, the thing only seems to get closer.
Tears cascaded down her cheeks and Elphaba tried to look away, but she couldn't. It effectively had her in a chokehold. It was forcing her to come near it, to touch it. "No!' she screamed. "Get away from me!" it reached out to her. "GET AWAY!"
It opened its eyes, looked directly at her, and joined her screaming.
Elphaba's scream died on her throat as she shot up from her bed, nearly falling onto the ground. She breathed heavily and gently let herself fall back into her pillows.
What a surprise, the same nightmare as last night, and the one before and before; being forced to relieve the ordeal. Every Oz forsaken night.
That night, Elphaba had cleaned up after herself. In a trance-like state, she'd easily gotten herself on her feet, washed herself in the bath, and put on a new nightgown. The first thing she'd addressed was her bile; it hadn't even smelled, a large towel had been enough to absorb the entire spill. She'd wrapped the dirty towel in two others and tied them in a knot, effectively preparing them for the housekeepers to pick up. Her soiled clothes had gone into the bin; they were far gone and useless, and it wasn't as if she was hurting for clothes these days.
She'd saved the worst for last. She'd avoided looking, directing at the gray lump and focused solely on the dark red against the white-tiled floor. Elphaba had thrown a towel as quickly as she could over the pool of blood, she'd only let her eyes wander when she was positive she'd covered it. With trembling hands, she'd scooped up as much of the mess as she could and stiffly walked over to the latrine. She'd laid the towel over it and patted the center until she heard the sound of an object hitting water. Without even looking, without removing the towel from the latrine, Elphaba had pulled on the chain to begin its rinse cycle. A loud noise echoed in the walls of the washroom, water refilled the latrine, and then it was quiet.
She'd removed the towel to find a clean latrine inside with only bloodstains on its sides from the towel. It was gone.
Cleaning up her blood had been easy, she'd done it many times before, though the amount was certainly more than she'd ever had to clean before. It was nothing she couldn't handle, however. Elphaba certainly knew how to leave a room spotless, and that'd been how she'd left that hotel washroom by the time the sun had risen; absolutely pristine. As if nothing had ever happened.
She was now back in Kiamo, in Kiamo Ko.
Elphaba can't recall a single thing that happened in the days that ensued. She and the king had finished their tour, she'd had several meetings, she'd walked a lot, and she'd signed countless papers approving…something. But she couldn't name a single person she'd talked to, couldn't say what'd been accomplished nor what still needed to be done. She just knew she'd gotten out of bed, done work, then was back in bed; and the cycle repeated itself again.
She'd taken to journaling more frequently than in the past. After…that, she knew she'd been distracted that first day back to duties, the journal was supposed to help her remember everything that had happened, it was supposed to get her mind to focus back on her responsibilities. She didn't know if it'd even worked. More often than not, the only time Elphaba had the opportunity to write was late at night, after more than twelve hours of constant toil. That combined with her miserable sleep left her only partly conscious with a pencil and journal in her hand; she'd made her best effort.
Her fingers moved of their own accord until her body begged for sleep. Elphaba knew she'd filled many pages, but as far as their actual content, she had no clue. She had yet to go back and read anything, though she doubted it would be of any help. What could possibly be worth remembering? If anything, she just wanted to forget, to permanently erase what she'd seen...she envied the emptiness of her days. If only her nights could be afflicted by that vacantness. She may ultimately burn the pages.
For a brief moment, in which her mind wasn't constantly plaguing her with unsettling images, Elphaba remembered that the next three days were a holiday for her; there was no work to be done, though there was always something that could be at the very least outlined for when duties resumed. Even just a few hours a day would serve as an opportunity to prepare certain matters and decrease her workload for a few days. Only…she made no effort to get out of bed.
Her eyes never left the sun, she watched as it went from a mere line just above the horizon to a sphere high in the sky. There may have been knocks on her door, someone may have come inside her chambers and spoken to her, but she couldn't hear anything. Someone may have blocked the sun for a split second, but Elphaba couldn't see anything. Nothing could distract her from the screams in her head and the shadows crawling in the corners of her room, not even the blinding light. Soon enough the moon was once again in the sky and Elphaba had not moved an inch from her mediocre sanctuary.
Mina hesitantly knocked on the door of her mistress' chambers. Her entire body tensed as she entered the room. "My lady?" she could tell the queen was awake and, scarily, in the same position she'd been in since yesterday.
The teen had managed to coax the queen into taking a bath before going to bed last night. The green girl had not said a single word throughout the process. Mina didn't know what made her more uneasy: when her mistress said absolutely nothing, or when she'd snapped at her.
She carefully walked over to the side of the bed so that the queen could see her - or, at the very least see through her. "Your Majesty, the king asks if you'd like to join him for breakfast this morning?"
No answer.
Mina swallowed, looking down at her hands. In the past couple of days, she'd at least gotten some sort of 'no'. What was she supposed to do now?
"Would you like me to help you get dressed?"
"I'd like for you to leave me alone."
Mina nodded, she hadn't expected anything other than a refusal, and it worried her to no end. Her mistress hadn't left her chambers in days and she doubted she'd even left the bed sans the times Mina assisted her to that washroom and back. And now that she thought about it, had the queen eaten anything in…a while? "I'll tell his Majesty you're undisposed," as she had the other times. "And I'll bring you a light breakfast, my lady," surely something fresh and warm would lighten up the queen's spirits even the slightest bit. She had recently taken a liking to pears; she could fetch some for her.
The teen received no acknowledgement as she took her leave.
Once she'd gathered a tray of food for her mistress, Mina passed the king as she approached the stairs. His expression fell once he saw the tray of food in her hands.
"She's - "
"Undisposed," he nodded. "Thank you, Mina."
"Of course," she said, though he'd left her before she could even get one word out.
When she reached the queen's chambers, Mina quietly announced that she was leaving a tray of food, then guiltily closed the door behind her. Her worry only escalated when the lunch and dinner hours passed and not one thing in the trays she'd gotten the queen was disturbed. She came to the grueling realization that the queen was in fact not eating. Mina hadn't been called nor instructed to bring her anything in the days since they'd arrived back at the castle, and unless the queen was sneaking out in the middle of the night to eat alone - which the teen doubted as her mistress was always in the exact same position Mina would last see her - then she'd truly gone days without food.
Worried, Mina set the dinner tray down and grabbed a spoon and small cup filled with a banana pudding. "My lady," she began. The queen had her eyes closed, but Mina knew she was awake. "The chef has prepared something special this evening, a favorite of many of the staff," she knelt down, making an effort to not let her eyes linger on her mistress' dry lips. "Won't you have some dinner, my lady?"
Silence.
"Please?"
"Get out," the queen hoarsely whispered.
Mina sat back, her mouth agape. She glanced at the objects in her hands then back at the queen, who'd opened her eyes - and was glaring at Mina as if she despised her. Mina actually shivered at the cold, hateful stare. She began to shake her head. "Your Majesty - "
"Get out!"
Mina nearly dropped the cup and spoon in her hands. The queen had yelled at her a few days before, but never this ferociously, never with such…hatred. Swallowing and despite her instincts telling her otherwise, Mina stood, promptly gathered the food she'd left on the queen's desk throughout the day, and exited the room. She breathed out and remained frozen outside the queen's chambers.
"Mina," a hand was woven in front of her face.
The teen blinked and cleared her throat. "Forgive me, Ezra," Mina looked back at the closed doors behind her before stepping away.
"Nonsense," the raven-haired young man said. "Are you alright? You seem…frightened frankly."
"I am," Mina confided "I think - " she paused. While Mina trusted her dear friend, she didn't think it would be appropriate for her to reveal her worries and suspicions to him; her mistress was notoriously private, she certainly wouldn't appreciate other members of the staff knowing about her business. But what was more was that Mina didn't even know what was going on. Something must've happened in order to provoke this switch in the queen. And…there's only one person she could confide this in. The queen may be angry with her for doing so, but Mina felt that this was something that must be addressed, otherwise she feared her mistress would only get worse.
"What?"
"Do me a favour?"
"Absolutely."
"Take this back to the kitchens," she hurriedly handed Ezra the trays of food she'd been carrying. "I need to speak with the king."
Elphaba had had enough.
It wasn't fair that she was being tormented like this, it wasn't fair that this Oz-damned nightmare refused to loosen its hold on her. What did it want? How far was it willing to go to get it? It'd already robbed her of her sleep, her peace of mind, even her much sought after solitude. Elphaba was never alone anymore; there was always something talking to her if not screaming, there was always something hovering nearby if not suffocating her. And no matter how many times she washed her hands, the blood never seemed to disappear.
She'd left one hell behind, now she was in a new one, one that constantly transported her back to that hotel washroom with the…thing.
This was her reality now.
Elphaba once again washed her hands to no avail, never looking up at her reflection. She sighed and turned the water faucet off. She half-heartedly dried her hands by flailing them about at her sides. This attempt resulted in her fingers catching the knots that had formed in her long hair. She pulled her fingers free, paying no mind to the large amount of strands that had been yanked from her scalp nor the sting it caused.
She held back an angry groan at hearing someone call for her. "Do not disturb me," she threw the greasy, dead strands of hair into the waste bin, flinching at the horrible sound they made; it was just like - stop . She exited the washroom and closed the door behind her.
"My lady - "
"Are you deaf?" Elphaba was fully irritated. Was it too much to be asked to be left alone for the love of Oz?
"I'm deeply sorry for disturbing you, Your Majesty," Mina said with her head down. "But Miss Nessarose and Her Highness Princess Galinda have just arrived at Kiamo Ko; I thought you'd like to know."
Elphaba closed her eyes and sighed. She truly did not want to see anybody at the moment nor for the rest of the day; she would've been perfectly content to just remain in her chambers. Though if she could play a tolerable hostess for a little while then complain about a migraine, which wouldn't be a complete lie, Elphaba would be back in her room after an hour or two. Dear Oz, she hoped she wouldn't have to put up with two hours of the girls.
She loved her sister and had a growing fondness for Galinda, but she didn't think she could take the two of them together; not today.
"Fine."
"Shall I - "
"No, I'll get ready myself. Tell them I'll be down in a moment."
"Yes, ma'am," Mina curtsied and left the queen's chambers.
The green girl cracked her incredibly tense neck and, with much reluctance, changed out of the nightgown for the first time in three or four days. Elphaba pulled the first dress from her closet that caught her eye, one of the many black ones. Her frustration nearly turned to fury when she realized the damn frock didn't fit her; she would have to tighten it from behind in several places in order for her to wear it properly, and she'd already dismissed her lady-in-waiting.
Elphaba simply tied the bodice and left the garment to hang on her. She wouldn't be leaving the castle walls, there was no need for her to put on an extraordinary or especially tidied appearance. With that thought in mind, she forwent brushing her hair, putting it up in a makeshift bun which most certainly created more knots, and left her bedroom.
She grabbed on tightly to the handrail of the stairs for fear she may end up tumbling down the steps. Her legs felt as though they would break if she wasn't careful with her footing. The sound of lively chatter let her know she was headed in the right direction. She could identify the voices of four distinct people: Nessa, Galinda, Fiyero, and someone else.
Elphaba forced herself to smile and entered the living room the group had gathered in. Ah, Val; that's who she'd missed. Their conversation ceased as soon as they saw her.
"Fabala!" Nessarose said in a tone Elphaba couldn't quite discern. Though she was still smiling, there was less of a sparkle than there had been in the young teen's eyes. "I've missed you so much!" The green girl was immediately pulled for a hug and Elphaba squeezed her younger sister tightly.
"It's so lovely to see you, Nessa."
"May I?" Galinda stepped forward shyly, almost…worriedly?
"Of course," Elphaba stood up straight and stepped into the blonde's offered embrace for a brief moment. She locked eyes with the king and simply acknowledged him with a smile and nod. His face remained void of any expression; he still nodded in her direction. "Am I missing something?" she asked when everyone remained quiet.
Val readily dismissed herself just as Galinda said, "Oh! Well, I've just arrived for this special weekend," she squealed with excitement, though the princess was being relatively tame compared to her usual bursts of energy.
"And Fiyero asked me to come over," Nessarose added, lightly touching her older sister's arm. "Galinda wants all four of us together for her birthday and since there's a bit of traveling involved, he figured it would be best to discuss everything together to plan accordingly."
Oh, that's right. Galinda was turning nineteen in two days. Elphaba spotted the pink, butterfly decorated bag next to the princess that she'd missed when she first entered the room. She felt a surge of dread run through her body. 'Traveling'? Elphaba barely wanted to leave her room let alone Kiamo Ko. She'd just gotten back from the tour, the king had as well; did he really want to leave again? Was there any way she could bail herself out of this?
"Let's sit, yes?" Nessarose tugged on Elphaba's sleeve. The green girl frowned at her sister's tone; had she imagined it, or had Nessarose been overly cautious when speaking to her? She caught Galinda nervously glancing between her and Fiyero, who had yet to say anything.
Had it shown on her face that she wasn't precisely looking forward to traveling? Elphaba decided to let that be and just listen. The sooner they all had this conversation, the sooner it would be over; she desperately wanted to go back to bed.
Elphaba took a seat on the edge of the largest couch in the room and Nessarose moved her wheelchair next to her. Galinda tentatively sat herself on the other side of Elphaba leaving enough space between them to allow for her skirt to rest on the cushions without crumpling it more than necessary. The king placed himself in a chair across from his sister.
"Well, I guess I should reveal what the big surprise is," he said, at last showing some sort of emotion by smiling softly at the princess. "We'll be spending the day in Emerald City."
Gasps erupted from the two teenagers in the room.
"You're joking?!"
"Are you serious?"
"Fifi, I'm warning you, you best not be messing around!"
"I've never been there! Have you been there?"
"Oh you're going to love it Nessa! In fact, I know a place where…"
Elphaba stared at the coffee table in front of her. The silver lining was that the voices in her head had now faded into the background, her mind instead concentrated on processing what was being said by the people around her, albeit failing. But it was a welcomed change; the soft timbre of the girls was much preferred over the snake-like hissing and piercing screaming she'd been hearing for days.
Maybe if she closed her eyes, she wouldn't see a gray lump crawling towards her. What if she managed to, for once, not see anything at all? Elphaba touched the couch, the soft fibers confirming to her that she wasn't on a tiled floor. Her vision began to darken and Elphaba blinked rapidly; she didn't want to risk it. If by any chance she found herself in that washroom, she would scream.
The absence of the voices were enough; she would take that.
She was tired.
No matter how hard she tried to separate herself from it, it was still with her. She'd let the sewers claim it, she'd cleaned everything - thrown the paper towel away and sealed the red towels to avoid looking at them. She'd left the hotel, left Altar, and yet she was still there. She was still crying, still vomiting, still struggling to breathe; no matter what she tried, she couldn't stop reliving it - mentally or physically.
A sinister thought occurred to Elphaba then as she - for the first time, willingly - thought back to that night. For a few seconds, she'd managed to pull her focus away from the pain she'd had in her abdomen because she'd readily hurt her thigh in a desperate attempt to distract herself; she still carried bruises from it. If she did something similar now whenever she was tormented with images from it, would it successfully distract her again? Elphaba saw no harm in testing out her theory; any pain stemming from an actual injury would certainly be better than dealing with that horror over and over again.
She dug her nails into her palm after, once again, being dangerously close to slipping back into unwanted territory. She lifted her head and found that everyone was staring at her. Elphaba looked between them. "What?"
Nessarose cleared her throat and Galinda stood too quickly afterwards.
"I'm feeling very hungry, I haven't had anything to eat all day. Though I'm not sure what it is I want. You know what?! I'll go arrange a tray; anything I see that I want, I'll throw it in there."
"I'll go with you," the king stood as well. "I have a feeling you'll need help carrying everything."
"Fine by me. Anything I can get for you ladies?"
"Oh! You know those sandwiches they make but they're of," Nessarose held her index finger and thumb an inch apart. "This size?"
"I do," Galinda smiled. "I'll bring those for you. What about you, Elphie?"
Elphaba looked between Nessarose and Galinda; she'd missed the question.
"She'll just have what I'm having," Nessarose answered. "You'll like them, sister."
"If you say so," Elphaba muttered, not fully knowing what Nessa was talking about.
"Got it. We'll be right back," the princess locked arms with the king and the two of them left the living room.
It was just Elphaba and Nessarose.
"Um…I never did get a letter from you, Fabala - and I'm not mad! Please don't think that, I know you must've been busy; and it gives us the opportunity to talk instead! I know you went to your first horse race, won't you tell me everything?" Nessa leaned on the arm of the couch. "Are they everything they're made out to be?"
"Sure?"
"Oh," the teen fought back a frown once she realized her older sister wouldn't say more. "Well, I'm looking forward to when the first one is hosted here at home."
Elphaba nodded.
Nessarose bit her lip, then a story came to mind. "Oh! Did I ever tell you of what happened when Val came to have lunch with me at work?"
"No."
The teen grabbed her sister's hand and nearly froze. It wasn't a novelty for Elphaba's hands, her overall skin, to be dry, Nessa herself had the same plight; something she now knew had in part been due to their prolonged lack of food. But both of them had been improving. It was why Nessarose was now holding back tears. The last time Elphaba's hands had been dry enough to warrant small cuts all over the back of her hand had been before she'd left Munchkinland.
It seemed her brother-in-law may be correct on many of his terrifying suspicions.
Not wanting to corner Elphaba, Nessarose went ahead and told the story of how when Val had visited her at her job, the girls had randomly put together leftover ingredients from the morning rush on a hard tortilla. Though the ingredients had seemed far fetched - eggs, fish, tomatoes, celery, and hummus - it had been surprisingly delicious. The strange concoction had caused some of her coworkers to replicate it and try it after seeing how much Val and Nessarose were enjoying it; they'd also loved it. Word had gotten to the owner of their stand; she'd tried it and also loved it. All of this to say, Val and Nessarose accidentally created a new menu item. With a few tweaks and modifications, they would start selling the 'Everything but the bin' dish - that's what they'd penned it, in a few weeks.
Nessarose knew that Elphaba hadn't heard a single word she'd said. She snapped her fingers in front of the green girl's face.
Elphaba flinched.
"Fabala?"
"I…I apologize, my sweet. I'm…I suppose I'm a little tired today."
The teen nodded, her heart pounding in her ribcage; here was an opening. "I'm sorry about that sister. Have you not been sleeping well?" anyone else would've missed the way Elphaba physically reacted to her question. Something took Elphaba away from the room for a split second.
"At…times."
"Are you alright?"
"Mhm."
Ok. "And how…" Oz, how could she word this?
"Ow," Elphaba muttered.
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry, Fabala," Nessarose soothed the scratch she'd unintentionally made on Elphaba's hand. Sweet Oz, it must no doubt sting.
"No worries," Elphaba removed her hand from her sister's hold.
Nessarose frowned. "How have you been?"
"Fine."
"Elphaba, how have you been, truly?"
"What does that mean?" It's the loudest Elphaba's spoken yet.
"Are you well ?"
" Yes ."
"You're not lying to me?"
"Why would I?"
"I don't know! To spare my feelings?"
"Not everything is about you," Elphaba sneered.
But Nessarose didn't flinch; her eyes went wide. "Then something is wrong?"
Elphaba stood. "What is it with you?"
"What is it with you ?"
" Me?! "
"There's something wrong."
"Nothing is wrong!"
"Stop lying! Do you think no one sees it?"
"What?"
"Fiyero's noticed that you've been off for over a week now. You're here but…you're not; you're extremely distracted, you're barely eating, and you're closed off again; it's like the two of you are back to where you started."
Those weren't her words. "Has he been talking to you?"
"Well you certainly haven't been talking to him!"
Elphaba turned away from Nessarose, her anger bubbling in her chest. She now saw this for what it was: an Ozdamned intervention. What gave them - all of them - the gall to think they could corner her like this or that they were privy to whatever she may or may not be going through? Elphaba ought to give them a piece of her mind, she had substantial urge.
But she remained quiet.
"Mina's noticed as well. You're locked in your room all day - "
"It's hardly a prison, it's bigger than this room."
"You're harsh with her for no reason," Nessarose continued, undeterred. "You've been dreadful to - "
"I apologize for being a nuisance," Elphaba said with such vile, Nessarose nearly recoiled in her chair.
"You know that's not what I mean…and no one thinks that."
The green girl kept staring out the window. If the ground couldn't open up and swallow her, perhaps she should simply break through the glass. Her eyes stung and her fists clenched. Her breathing quickened as flashes of that night in the washroom attacked her mind.
"Elphaba, you know there's nothing you can't tell me."
That was a lie. This was someone she couldn't tell anyone, not even Nessa. There were some things that were best locked away and buried. And how could any of them possibly understand? She knew for a fact that not one of the three of them ever went through something even remotely similar. They were fools if they thought they could find a way to empathize; even greater fools for thinking this little intervention of theirs would make her talk.
Not even Frex's blows could make her reveal her secrets; they'd never had before either.
"Sister…" she could hear Nessarose wheel herself closer. "In just ten minutes I could see why Fiyero and Mina were so worried. Whatever it is, please let me - let us help you."
Her fists shaking at her sides, Elphaba said, "I don't need your help."
"Evidently you do. Would you like me to stay for a few - "
"That's not how this works," she harshly said as she turned to face Nessa.
"What in Oz is 'this'?"
"You don't take care of me," Elphaba answered without missing a beat.
The teen's mouth dropped, her own anger sparked. "What in hell are you talking about?"
"Nevermind that."
"No, you said it; what in Lurline's name did you mean by that, Elphaba?"
"Nessarose, drop it."
"Do you think you're the only one allowed to care?"
"I'm the eldest; it's my responsibility to carry these burdens alone."
"What?! No - sister where did you even get that idea?"
"Just stop, will you? I don't want to talk about this anymore."
"Well I do," Nessarose deliberately wheeled herself in front of Elphaba to prevent her from leaving. "What else, then, haven't you told me?"
Though Elphaba's face looked in her direction, her eyes looked anywhere but. The younger girl knew then the list must be extensive and her heart shattered. She thought she knew Elphaba better than anyone else on earth; evidently not. She didn't even have a clue as to what was haunting her sister. It had to be so much bigger than their nightmarish childhood, that was something they openly shared, at least she'd thought so. This was something far worse.
"Fabala, I'm sorry. I'm sorry if you felt - feel - that there are things you can't tell me, that you feel the need to carry so much, that you feel that you're alone," desperate, Nessarose again grabbed her sister's green hand and held it to her chest. "Please just…you don't need to tell me what's wrong, alright? I…if you want to hold on to it for longer, then that's fine; just tell us what you need from us. How can we help you if only for…for you to bear it better? I just…I don't want you to waste away in front of me."
"I'm not wasting away."
Nessarose held on tighter when she felt Elphaba's attempt at pulling away her hand.
"Have you looked in the mirror?!" tears began to spill out of her eyes. "If I didn't know any better, I'd think you're suffering from a terminal illness. Do you have any idea the shock that went through me when I first saw you today? You left in improving health and you came back in a deteriorating one; you're scaring me!"
Elphaba's eyes watered and her resolve threatened to break. She could understand Nessarose's concern, but her sister needed to understand her. Some things were, simply, best left unsaid. There were things that were for Elphaba alone. It would pass, excruciatingly slow, but it would.
"Nessa…it'll be alright."
"Then let me help you."
"I don't need your help."
"Ozdammit Elphaba!"
"I can handle this on my own!"
"You don't have to!"
"I want to."
"Then I won't let you!"
"That's not your decision to make."
"And why not?"
"Because I said so."
"Don't do that," Nessarose now held both of Elphaba's hands tightly. "Please don't use your authority over me like that," she'd never had. Why was Elphaba determined to push her out of her circle? It couldn't possibly be so grave that her older sister was determined to fight this battle in solitude.
Elphaba leaned over Nessarose, her expression frightenedly cold and distant. "End. Of discussion."
A chill ran down the teen's spine. "How could you not let me aid you at a time like this?"
"It's not your duty to do so."
"Yes it is!"
"And how do you figure?" Elphaba asked, almost laughing.
"I love you - "
"Then obey me."
"You're my sister!"
"Half sister."
Elphaba may as well have slapped Nessarose.
The younger girl dropped Elphaba's hands; the wind was literally knocked out of her at hearing those hateful words thrown at her. Out of all the fights they'd had throughout the years, all the things they'd said to each other, Elphaba had never resorted to hurt nor repel her like this. More tears streamed down her cheeks. "Why - " she choked.
But before she could continue, Elphaba impassively strode away from Nessarose. She slowled her steps at seeing Fiyero and Galinda hovering near the entrance. The universe seemed to simply adore her, didn't it? She sent both of them a glare that dared them to utter a single word.
Galinda immediately turned away while Fiyero held her gaze.
Elphaba rolled her eyes and continued her path to her chambers, confident that no one would follow her. The staff knew to not say a word when they passed her, they simply bowed and let her keep going on her way. At least some people in this castle knew their place with her.
Her angry steps as she went up the stairs nearly shook the walls of Kiamo Ko.
She threw her door behind her and locked it. Elphaba madly wiped the hot tears that had escaped her eyes away.
She slowly turned around, lifting her gaze from the ground little by little. It was eerily quiet. She could hear the soft breeze through the closed window, the sounds of the staff finishing up the day's tasks. It appeared the sun had set long ago, coating her bedroom in darkness.
Elphaba walked further into the room. She shook with every shadow she spotted. She should be used to them, they'd tormented her long enough to cement themselves as an expectation. But if she was honest, they still petrified Elphaba to the core; she never knew what else they would do.
They seemed content to simply loom around her, in the corners of the room, tucked away in the ceiling. But there were times when they escaped their usual spots. They would move. Float to the middle of the room and absorb all the light out of it. Sometimes they merged and made themselves bigger.
Then there were times when they got closer. Not always, but when they did, they rendered Elphaba helpless, practically immobile, even if they never touched her. She could swear that they would speak to her, taunting and mocking and forcing her to remember every single wretched detail from her ordeal in the washroom.
Much like one was doing now.
Elphaba trembled where she stood; a chilly hiss blew on her ear and erupted cascading goosebumps over her body. As much as she wanted to move away, to run away or at the very least take a step forward, she couldn't; Elphaba couldn't even blink. Her body surrendered its control over to this thing that loomed over her neck, deepening its unwanted connection to her.
Somehow, the green girl found the strength to let out a hoarse whimper and shut her eyes. Sweet Oz, thank Lurline. This was good; when some sort of autonomy returned to Elphaba, it meant the torture was nearly over.
But when Elphaba opened her eyes, she nearly fainted.
No. no, no, no. This wasn't real. It wasn't real…right? It couldn't be. She was at Kiamo Ko, she was in her chambers, she was - she was…she or had she imagined everything?
Had she hallucinated every task, every conversation she'd had this past week? Was she truly trapped in the washroom still? No - no, no, no, no; it was impossible. She couldn't be.
And yet.
Elphaba could see everything so clearly. The air in this room was different…reminiscent.
Her chest tightened, her breaths fell short, and she cried out as her hands forced themselves into view. Elphaba desperately shook her head and tried in vain to close her eyes.
"Stop," she pathetically whispered. "Please. Stop, please."
Her useless plea echoed in her ears along with her sobs as she stared at her bloody hands. Her panic only grew exponentially when she realized the blood was traveling down her wrists, down her arms.
"N-no, no."
The awful stench of it increased significantly until it suffocated her. In an anguished effort, Elphaba wiped her hands in her clothes, but the blood was endless. She nearly ripped her dress in her hopeless attempt of ridding herself of it. She looked around and spotted the water faucet. Elphaba ran with all of her might to it and turned the knob to get that blessed water, staining it in blood as well.
She stared in horror as the faucet only coated her hands in more blood. A darker, thicker coat that trapped her hands together. Elphaba was once again frozen in place, not one muscle in her body responded to her. She could feel them clenching underneath her as she tried with all her might to rip her hands, herself, away from the bloody faucet.
"Stop! Stop!"
Finally, her body came alive again and Elphaba pulled her hands away in anguish. The looking glass showed not her reflection, but the gray lump with blinking, black eyes and outstretched arms, reaching out from it.
"No!"
She slammed her hand on the glass and she was instantly transported to her own washroom. Elphaba frantically took in her surroundings. The latrine, the bath, the large closet, and the now broken looking glass; she was in Kiamo Ko.
Elphaba focused on her breathing. Unable to breathe through her stuffy nose, she controlled her breaths through her mouth with a hand to her upset stomach. Eventually, her breaths got longer and slower, softly blowing on a single strand of hair in front of her face. She swallowed and grunted; her hand stung as if on fire. Trembling, Elphaba turned her palm to her and was greeted by tiny shards of glass buried in her green skin.
She mechanically located a pair of tweezers in one of the drawers and began to impassively remove all the glass pieces from her skin, a task she was not unfamiliar with. Elphaba didn't so much as flinch when she removed a particularly large piece from the bend of her finger; she couldn't feel much of anything anymore, not even the pain she'd felt in her belly.
Tears yet again threatened to fall from her eyes and Elphaba forced them away in irritation. What was this feeling? She couldn't place it, all she knew was that it squeezed her chest, burned her eyes, and all she wanted to do was cry; and Elphaba needed it to go away.
The broken looking glass came into focus and Elphaba eyed the sharp, pointy edge near the center. The shape was rather beautiful, as if it'd been intentionally broken that way to create a jagged, makeshift dagger. A dagger that could pierce skin, causing a warm, tingling sensation to it. If Elphaba used it, only for the moment, just to make these awful, unspeakable feelings disappear…it would be wonderful.
Fixed on her intentions, Elphaba carefully used her finger to lift the thinner end of the broken glass, and unintentionally caught her reflection - for the first time since that night.
The woman staring back at her frightened Elphaba to no end. There were matching dark, purple bags underneath her sunken eyes. Her cheekbones were more prominent than she remembered as was her jaw. She felt the slight burn on her lips at seeing how cracked and dry they were. Elphaba had thought she was strong, or at least strong enough to handle this problem on her own; she was deluding herself wasn't she? She wasn't sleeping nor eating, and she was hearing and seeing things for Oz's sake. She'd seriously considered intentionally harming herself with broken glass.
She wasn't ok.
Rather than wiping away her tears or silently letting them run down her cheeks, Elphaba let herself cry for the first time for this situation. She didn't know what had made her so sad, what was dragging her into the deep end of the ocean drowning slowly crushing her soul; but she couldn't bear it any longer. She was shutting down in a way she never had before and worrying her sister - oh Oz. Nessa…the things Elphaba had said.
She needed to get herself together and somehow rid herself of this weight; not only could Elphaba not carry it any longer, but it wasn't worth doing so if it meant she was hurting her sister.
Determined and yet with a slight pull of hesitation beckoning her to keep herself locked away, Elphaba pushed herself to take a proper bath on her own. Rather than let herself sit and soak in the water, she lathered and rinsed her body with the proper soaps along with her hair. Her patience was tested with each individual knot she took the time to undo.
Elphaba didn't know what she'd expected the second time she looked at her reflection. She certainly didn't look much better, exhaustion radiated off her body, but she felt different. That suffocating feeling that had followed her for days - it wasn't gone, but it was infinitely tolerable. Enough to give her a small sliver of hope that perhaps there was an escape from this endless cycle of misery.
Her upbringing seemed to pale in comparison to what she'd been through over the last week or so. Elphaba had never thought it was possible to feel so dejected, so drained. But as she dressed in a simple black frock, she felt a rare sense of optimism.
Things could get better - they certainly couldn't get any worse, but Elphaba could slowly work her way towards properly putting all of this behind her. She'd rid herself of false images and sounds before, she could do it again.
The hardest part would be making it up to her sister. None of their previous disagreements had ever escalated to the point of one of them saying something so horrid. It was what made Elphaba's skin crawl the most; she'd said it to deliberately hurt Nessarose in a twisted and desperate attempt to get the teen girl to drop the matter, to get her to stop talking. It had worked, and Elphaba regretted it with all she was. But just like her depressive feelings, she had an inkling that this too could be resolved; it was an effort she was willing to make no questions asked.
She had a feeling Galinda would forget everything with a simple embrace, the king was a different story and what Elphaba was most unsure about.
Though her memory was rather hazy, Elphaba knew she'd been cold towards him. They'd hardly exchanged any words since the…incident. They'd stopped reporting to each other what they'd accomplished while apart, their chats while in the carriage together were non-existent, and their 'gambling' nights to alleviate the stress of their hectic days had ceased all together. She couldn't remember him ever asking her directly or otherwise if something was wrong; he'd just…accepted it. At least up to a certain point.
Elphaba was lost as to what she could say to him that would explain her recent behavior. She certainly wasn't going to tell him the truth, and she knew she didn't have to give him any sort of justification for her sudden mood change. It hadn't affected the Vinkus in any way, she'd - somehow - still managed to do what was expected of her. But…she felt that she…Elphaba wanted to tell him something . She couldn't leave him completely in the dark; he didn't deserve that.
"Alright," dear Oz, her voice was incredibly strained.
The sun had yet to set; it only made Elphaba more adamant about righting her wrongs before the day was over. Even if she didn't fix everything today, she could start. She could start, and have one foot outside this horrendous cage she'd somehow found herself trapped in; and she wouldn't go back.
With a hand on the doorknob, Elphaba breathed out. "Stop," the manifesting shadow over her shoulder backed away and, with a little bit more confidence, the green girl opened the door of her chambers, and closed it behind her.
Lyric Inspo:
All my mornings are Mondays stuck
in an endless February
I took the miracle move-on drug,
the effects were temporary
- 'Fortnight', TTPD, Taylor Swift.
P.S. this is one of my FAVORITE songs ever; and thanks to Taylor's video, I can only ever picture an asylum/ward when it plays.
