"Ne, Sakura-chan, you promised."
Sakura sighed heavily. She stretched her arms as if reaching for an invisible fruit above her, and let her head, heavy with thoughts, sink into the couch beneath her. She allowed herself a moment to enjoy the engulfing hug of Naruto's very old and ugly, but extremely comfy, three-seater sofa.
Although the eyesore was more than a heavy sight, she never questioned Naruto's decision to keep it — she was certain the damned thing possessed some kind of magical relaxing properties. She replayed in her mind some of the best naps of her life, courtesy of the very piece of furniture she was nestling into at that very moment, and felt a weird, warm sense of pride that she had helped Naruto move this controversial possession across a few different apartments over the years.
A small smirk played across her tired face, eyes half-closed, as she silently said her goodbye to any future furniture moving. For the first time ever, Naruto wasn't living alone anymore — he was happily settled into a house that was ready to welcome all the wonderfulness of married life.
"Not now, Naruto."
"But you always say that. Come on, I'm sure everybody's dying to know it too," Naruto pleaded childishly.
No matter how much, or how often, his childish antics brought her to the brink of sanity and numerous raging outbursts, she would always cherish his pure, child-like heart. Not that she'd ever admit it to anyone. That was simply too risky, without a doubt, the knucklehead ninja would spend the rest of his life trying to milk every favour on that basis alone.
"What are you blabbering about, Naruto?" Ino tried to help out her friend in need, though her voice couldn't quite hide the slight interest.
"Sakura-chan promised she'd tell us about the sex scroll Granny Tsunade made her study! We sparred, you lost, you promised! You can't go back on your word — damn it, you're a ninja!"
Great, resorting to blackmail, she mused, twisting her lips slightly to one side.
"That's not fair, it was two against one," she bitterly remarked.
A few of those present shot cautious glances toward the tall, dark figure leaning against the balcony door. Carelessly brushing off their questioning looks, Sasuke decided not to dignify them with an answer. After all, they should know better than to assume he'd ever spar just to extort such information.
"It's not my fault Kurama was intrigued as well," Naruto joked. But no one laughed. They were all still wary of the dangerous implications. The thought of battling Naruto and his Nine-Tails chakra sent chilling shudders through them, alongside an inexplicable ease that none of them had ever actually had to do it.
A low and menacing "Dobe" interrupted the awkward silence, before Ino steered the conversation back to the intriguing piece of information brought up earlier.
"Forehead, what sex scroll is he talking about? Why don't I know anything about it?" Unhidden intrigue and a shred of hurt interlaced her high-pitched voice.
"There's no such thing as a sex scroll," Shikamaru chimed in with his trademark bored tone.
"Thank you!" Finally, some reason. Kami-sama knew how welcome any help was before this got out of hand. The probability of utter chaos was rising dangerously with each comment and plea from her two very loud and sometimes obscene best friends, Sakura calculated.
"Those scrolls cover the scientific study of sexuality. They contain vital knowledge for planning and organizing seduction missions. No Hokage in their right mind would assign their shinobi an edition of Icha Icha Paradise," Shikamaru added.
Although Konoha's acting Hokage wasn't exactly shy about his obsession with books of mature themes, as his right hand, Shikamaru would not allow any slander against the title.
Sakura raised a questioning eyebrow at Shikamaru. Something about his behavior set off an internal alarm. His response might have sounded like a diversion to Naruto's pleas, but his body language hinted at something else entirely. Still suspicious of his motives, she watched as he comfortably sat on the floor across from her, crossing his legs and leaning against the chair occupied by his teammate.
Accepting a single potato chip offered politely by Choji, his eyes revealed no emotion other than his ever-present annoyance. Yet somehow, he looked as if he'd just planted a trap and was now waiting for it to spring.
Ino's impatience broke her wandering thoughts once again.
"Scrolls? As in, plural? Just how much vital knowledge have you decided not to share with me, Forehead?!"
The ironically emphasized words still echoed in her head, but before she could respond, Naruto apparently had a different idea.
"That's what I meant — I just call them sex scrolls for short," the blonde scowled at the all-knowing genius, before continuing. "And they contain vital knowledge outside of missions as well," he insinuated with an indiscreet brow wiggle.
Unfortunately for the pink-haired kunoichi, desperate to leave this conversation behind as soon as possible, Naruto seemed to have captured everyone's full attention with his latest statement.
With loving lavender eyes and a slight pink hue adorning her cheeks, Hinata gazed at her husband. She placed a warm, calming hand on his shoulder and offered, "Naruto-kun, maybe Sakura-chan's feeling uncomfortable sharing… such vital knowledge in front of everyone."
Sakura's eyes snapped wide open. In an instant, her cheeks flushed as the realization hit her.
Not you too, Hinata-chan...
If she hadn't known any better, she might have thought Hinata was on her side — offering help, trying to calm the storm of hormones suddenly flooding the room. But those two damned words, with that slight but noticeable emphasis, gave her away. Despite everything she had accomplished so far thanks to it, Sakura Haruno was sure she had never hated vital knowledge more — or, in fact, ever before in her entire life.
She uncomfortably nestled into the magical fluffiness only Naruto's old couch could provide, seeking escape, and as she almost growled in annoyance, Sai abruptly brought the uneasiness to an almost unbearable level.
"Why are you so keen on learning about sexology? Do you need sex advice? I read that married couples often experience a dull and monotonous sex life."
Hinata's cheeks flushed a few shades darker than her usual blush. While Naruto struggled through the initial shock, Kiba jumped in angrily to defend the sexual honor of his teammate and friend.
"They're newlyweds, you jerk! They're probably jumping each other like rabbits!"
Shino inwardly cringed at his teammate's logic — but even more at the manner and timing of bringing it up. He placed a firm hand on Kiba's shoulder and, with a strong, decisive grip, brought him back to his senses, sending a silent message before his actions escalated any further.
Hinata's breath hitched sharply as she found herself struggling not to faint. Even Naruto's cheeks were touched by a discreet pinkish tint.
Sai made a slow nod of acknowledgment. He wasn't aware in the slightest of the inappropriateness of his earlier comment, nor did he understand where Kiba's anger had come from. He simply took in the new information.
"What I find more intriguing, however, is why Ugly would be assigned to the task of seducing someone. Isn't the Hokage worried about the success rate of the mission?" This time Sai directed his question to the Hokage's right hand and advisor.
"Sai!"
"Troublesome."
"Idiot!"
"Sai, you moron!"
"Tch."
As the group began showering Sai with scolding remarks and comments defending Sakura's physique and expertise, Sakura tried to tune out the noise and focus on her breathing.
Focus. This is Naruto's new house. He finally has a home — a home he made with Hinata-chan. For their future family. You cannot ruin the house for the little future Hyuuga-Uzumaki babies. Think of their babies, damn it! Sai's… He's different, but he has a kind heart. He doesn't know any better. What matters is that everyone's here. We're alive. We're safe. We're together. It's different, but it almost feels the same as when we were young. Even he's back. He's back. Like he said he'd be.
Decisively putting an abrupt stop to the thoughts drifting back to the single most confusing moment of her life — that forehead poke — her mind finally snapped back to reality. She finally felt somewhat calmer. Not completely, but collected enough to know she wouldn't allow anyone else to speak for her while she sat there, dumbfounded and within earshot.
Sai was indeed a kind soul, but his words had a way — and a habit — of unintentionally slicing through her heart like the sharpest medical kunai in her arsenal. Naruto had always been the prankster in their team, but this time, his curiosity — more so than ever before — had led to an excruciatingly painful and agonizing situation. It was time to kill two birds with one stone. It was time to speak up.
"No, the Hokage isn't worried about assigning me to a seduction mission," her sharp tone brought everyone's attention, "because the Hokage, unlike you, knows that a pretty face and an attractive body are not proper, or sufficient, means of seducing an opponent."
"What does that mean?"
"That's privileged information." She smirked at her own finesse in subtly, but skillfully, avoiding the two words she had started to dread: vital knowledge.
"But Sakura-chan, you promis—"
"Fine, Naruto. I'll explain. But this information doesn't leave this room."
He gulped. Choji slowly set his bag of potato chips aside. Kiba straightened his spine and slightly crinkled his nose, as if trying to sniff the words that were about to fall from her lips. Shino pushed his glasses to the brink of his nose, but nobody seemed present enough to notice this uncharacteristic move, as everyone was lost in the tension slowly taking command of the room.
Hinata's hand found reassurance in Naruto's. Shikamaru's eyes narrowed as his troubled mind contemplated whether his comrade was really about to share privileged information — information to which even the Hokage's right hand wasn't privy. The strained silence was interrupted by the soft sound of closing doors. Understanding the confidentiality of the conversation, Sasuke closed the balcony doors and silently joined the circle of jittery shinobi.
The midnight-colored gaze laser-focused on the glimmers dancing in the emerald eyes of the girl who had, once again, captivated the entire room. He secretly enjoyed the ease and spontaneity with which her natural mannerisms could command attention. He held back a smirk that threatened to reveal his amusement at the sight of eight Konoha shinobi — war heroes, no less — eating from the palm of her hand. Well, eight war heroes, and one war criminal turned hero.
"It's true that appearance plays a role in seduction missions. But I presume you're all aware that not many shinobi are, in fact, eligible for such assignments. Because of that, scientifically proven techniques have been developed to allow seduction beyond the superficial perception of physical appearance."
At the sight of a few confused looks and silent murmurs at the mention of eligibility, she offered a quick clarification.
"Simply put, the shinobi has to possess a high level of expertise, but cannot be born into a clan. No village would ever risk its kekkei genkai falling into enemy hands. This means that members of reputable clans are out of the question for these types of missions. Not only is it unacceptable, it would also be considered highly inappropriate."
The silence that followed spread like a plague, as it always did each time this specific topic was brought up. Sakura was used to it, but dreaded it not a crumb less than the first time she'd ever experienced it. Determined not to let their pity tangle itself into the conversation, she pressed on.
"You call them seduction missions, but seduction is only one of many tactics used to execute a mission. It's mostly employed during information extraction missions, or occasionally for assassinations. It's not like we're sent away just to sleep with the enemy, you know," she added, with a timid chuckle and an eye roll, for good measure.
"But that's exactly what makes yours truly the perfect candidate for such assignments. Turns out that kunoichi with no particular talents are irreplaceable in some situations, after all."
She took great delight in emphasizing the word irreplaceable as she locked eyes with the author of the original assessment of her skills, a quote she had thrown back at him with calculated precision. Smirking triumphantly, she let him stew in the discomfort of his mistake.
"Troublesome woman," he muttered under his breath.
Shikamaru's eyes flicked toward her teammates, noticing Naruto's displeased frown and the murderous side glance from the Uchiha prodigy seated dangerously close. He subtly expanded his shadow, tactfully and in calculated preparation, just in case.
Sakura disregarded his mutterings.
"Usually, when we're dealing with civilian criminals, we're sent to extract the information and perform the execution. But when the target is a highly skilled shinobi, the ANBU squad is usually tasked with following behind to carry out the kill. They're able to plan the attack based on the information we extract, and this tactic has proven to be the most effective for swift and successful execution."
The tension in the room had become almost tangible, an unfamiliar heaviness weighed on the air. It was easy to forget, in moments like these, that these great shinobi were still only twenty-year-olds, made of flesh and blood, and filled with sex-crazed hormones. But if they'd expected some spicy mission details, their disappointment would be arriving any second now.
She was in complete control. She knew it. She felt it. And she decided to revel in it.
"It's not easy to seduce anyone, let alone a shinobi. There are a bunch of techniques, jutsu, the good old tricks civilians have been using for centuries, but the bottom line is: anyone can be seduced, if you're skilled enough."
She sat up a little straighter, her posture silently reminding them exactly who in the room possessed such skills.
"A good shinobi would never fall for a seduction jutsu!" Kiba blurted, madly blushing but determined.
"Oh man, you should've met the old man, Pervy Sage," Naruto chuckled deviously.
Wary of losing their attention, Sakura quickly intercepted the growing wave of side remarks.
"Yes, but even Jiraiya-sama was always on alert when it came to his… indiscretions. That's why, when it comes to a shinobi, the smartest move is actually to play it down — keep it as simple as possible. No chakra, no transformation jutsu, no opiates, no weaponry. Nothing. Just plain old deceit. Sacrificing the body, the same way you would on the battlefield."
"So those scrolls are nothing but a bunch of sex tips?" Ino asked, her tone skeptical.
"No, of course not." Sakura scrunched her nose in disapproval.
"Sex tips mean nothing if you don't actually know the person. You need to observe them, study them, get to know them, and only then can you hypothesize how to seduce them. As I've said, the goal isn't to actually sleep with anyone, but to seduce them into lowering their guard. Sex is sort of... the last resort, if that makes sense."
She offered a small, witty smile.
"There's an ongoing joke among us trained in seduction, you know. That's why the term la petite mort, the 'small death', is used as a synonym for orgasm. Orgasming during a seduction mission is much like dying on the battlefield. The goal is to make sure it doesn't happen."
But her wit seemed to fall flat in the thick, tension-choked air. No one was in the mood for laughing.
Her watchful eyes scanned the room. Heavy breathing echoed in the silence. A few articles of clothing had already been removed, she noticed. The temperature in the room had certainly risen, she confirmed to no one in particular, an old professional habit of hers, analytically taking in her surroundings. The current state of her comrades was proof enough of her seduction skills, even if they had been seduced by nothing more than storytelling. They probably still didn't recognize that yet. Except for a few, she assumed.
A very stoic and seemingly uninterested pair of geniuses, however, was not easily swayed. She expected nothing less from Shikamaru and Sasuke, anyway.
"So, Naruto, you wanted to know a piece of information from those scrolls, so here's one. Usually, with almost complete certainty, we can claim that all inhibitions a person endures on a regular basis become liberated in the heat of passion. In other words, people usually exhibit the exact opposite behaviors in their regular daily lives and during sex."
"What?"
"How?"
"Why didn't you tell me this earlier?"
Amongst all the confused murmurs, Ino's question caught her attention.
"I did tell you, Pig. Just not in those exact words," Sakura almost timidly confessed.
"You analyzed Sai's sexual behavior?" the blonde screeched in an appallingly high tone.
"I did no such thing, Pig!" Sakura screamed back in shock. "Besides, I could never assert which behaviors are actually constrained for an individual. I'd need to observe them specifically with the intention of identifying their inhibitions. And even then, I could only hypothesize what such a person would find enticing."
As soon as she provided the explanation, Sakura's blush and irritability diluted. She further explained.
"I was just giving you hints that you could possibly experiment with and think on."
Focused only on providing an explanation that would calm Ino down and keep her reputation intact, Sakura hadn't noticed the interest she piqued by revealing an important telltale with her last statement.
She sighed, happy with her response, unsuspecting of the chaos that would ensue.
"Sakura-chan, are you saying you could guess what someone would like in bed just by observing them?"
This sudden line of questioning had Sakura squirming in her seat once again. Naruto's magical sofa suddenly lost all its comforting appeal.
"I'm most certainly not saying that," she pouted like a child. "I-I'd need to gather information, I'd need to analyze it in a very specific context, and I-" she stuttered.
"But you already know us pretty well. I'm pretty sure you practiced your skills on some of us before deploying on your first mission. Both analytical and seduction skills."
Damn it, Shikamaru.
"Your point?" she neither confirmed nor denied, but this conversation already felt like a lost cause.
"Show us an example," Shikamaru simply replied.
"Yeah, do Temari. She's coming to Konoha soon anyway." Shikamaru didn't doubt Choji's best intentions for a second, but he couldn't bite back the uncomfortable growl of displeasure at the situation his best friend just put him in.
Seeing Shikamaru blush was a rarity. Despite the fact that his own conclusions and boldness had led to this irksome situation, she didn't have it in her to put him through such awkwardness.
"I don't know Temari that well," she offered politely.
"Fine, do Shikamaru then," Ino deviously challenged. All the genius in the world seemed useless at the moment, as Shikamaru found no way out of this situation.
I guess it's payback time…
"Okay, fine, but strictly hypothetically speaking…" She mused as she started tapping her finger rhythmically against the sofa armrest. Everyone's eyes were glued to her, impatiently expecting, as if she was about to perform the most powerful jutsu their shinobi world has ever seen.
"Let's see… Shikamaru is mostly the quiet, laid-back, and reserved type of person. More often than not, he sees any activity as a troublesome drag. So, relying on the previous theory, we may hypothesize that when it comes to sex, it is in fact him who seduces his partner."
"Temari," Choji supplied between the chews.
"Thanks, Choji, they got it," Shikamaru ironically snapped.
"Yes, so, as opposed to your daily life where you find most things annoying, I may assume that in your relationship, you're the one who usually initiates sex."
"That's not that spicy, Sakura-chan." Naruto seemed interested to learn more. Sakura felt invited to rise to the challenge in his words. Soon, she forgot about the silent promise she made to Shikamaru that she'd keep it light and funny, just as innocent payback for his previous audaciousness.
"He also probably enjoys long foreplay, as he's very proficient in strategizing. Based on his intellect alone, one may presume that he's really dedicated to his partner's pleasure and most probably very successful at that, too, considering his genius and knowledge." Her determined gaze never left Naruto's perplexed expression.
She might've gone over the limit she'd self-imposed previously, but a challenge she would not refuse. Besides, she hadn't said anything bad about Shikamaru or his sex life. Quite possibly, she might've even given him a few more reasons to be brash, she reassured her resurfacing insecurities.
"But you said he should be his own contradiction when it comes to sex. How do we know he's not absolutely helpless in bed?" Ino challenged her hypothetical assessment.
"Ino, I don't think anyone can be stupid when it comes to sex." Naruto exaggerated the word stupid as if being great at sex was the most obvious skill in the world. "Maybe he's not a genius in bed, but still, he—"
Sakura quickly interrupted as if it was her own responsibility to guide this conversation in a respectful direction. After all, she was the one who created Shikamaru's discomfort in the first place.
"Do not take it literally. It's not as if he's completely the opposite of himself. He's a highly intellectual person in every other aspect of his life, there are no indications that would suggest otherwise in the bedroom. Intellect is not something you can simply shut off while having sex. It is actually an integrated part of it, and one of the most important aspects of it, too. That's what makes sex with different individuals a unique and authentic experience. Besides, a guy like Shikamaru is probably attracted to the intellectual prowess of his partner, that's something that might prove to be one of his biggest turn-ons."
"Temari really is a smart cookie," Choji concluded, nodding.
Amused by the shade of blush she'd never seen on Shikamaru's face before, Ino clapped happily. "This is so much fun! Who's next? I wanna go next!"
Sakura furrowed her brows. "Are you sure you wanna do this now?"
"Yeah, you know, I've no problem with sex talk! I'm an open book."
"Wait, how can we know you haven't already told her everything there is to know about your sex life?" Kiba was still suspicious.
"Fair point. Let's hear your hypothesis first," Naruto tempted, knowing that Kiba was unable to back out of a challenge.
"I'm listening." Kiba crossed his arms and puffed his chest proudly, trying to distract the group from the blush creeping up his neck.
Sakura wasted no time and proceeded as if she had rehearsed it many times before.
"Well, knowing you, I'm sure one of your biggest turn-ons is the smell of your partner. And while there's nothing unusual about being attracted to the smell of perfume, you actually prefer the natural smell of skin, that unique scent each person has. I'd say you particularly enjoy liking it, biting it, and sucking on it. However, your sweet spot, or should I say weak spot, is your neck, especially that sensitive erogenous point behind the ear." Casually straining her neck to the side, she let her hand lightly trail the path on the skin from her ear all the way to her collarbone. The sole purpose of her sudden and sensual performance was to make him blush furiously and kill any possibility of doubt. It was obvious she possessed an enviable amount of knowledge on this topic, and she was only letting them in on it for a quick peek.
"There was no hypothesis there," Shikamaru noted.
"True. Those were facts. My hypothesis would be that Kiba loves slow-paced and sensual sex. If I were to guess, I'd say he's not a stranger to using toys in the bedroom, perhaps feathers or furry handcuffs." She shot him a questioning look, but the expression he wore required no verbal response.
"How do you gather that?" Naruto seemed confused.
"Well, I can't reveal every trick I have up my sleeve, now, can I?" She grinned proudly, refusing to elaborate further. Kiba's discomfort was enough of a threat to anyone who might be tempted to challenge her expertise. Her little stunt just proved it.
"Happy now, Kiba? Can I go now, pleeeeease?" Ino turned her stern look from Kiba back to Sakura, eagerly pleading with her best friend to give her one of these extremely amusing and probably completely accurate assessments.
"I don't know, Ino, you said it yourself, you're an open book." Sakura apprehensively offered. What Ino wasn't aware of was that Sakura was desperately trying to keep the last bits of information about her sex life under wraps. Too many people knew way too much about her and Sai's relationship as it was. Neither of them could keep their lips tied, for Kami's sake.
"Oh, come on, there must be something! Surprise me, tell me something I've never even hinted at you." Piercingly blue eyes dared.
"Fine, but remember you asked for it." Ino nodded in reassurance. "You'll never admit this, but you're a huge romantic at heart. Dirty talk gets you going. And your favorite position is missionary." Sakura finished in a single breath, feeling as if she ran to Suna and back.
"You're good." Ino spoke softly, with only the slightest hue of pink to her cheeks. She refused to feel anything less than confident.
"Sakura-chan?"
"Hmm?" Sakura turned to the timid girl, reaching out with the sincerest smile.
"H-How can you tell what a person's favorite p-position would be?"
"Oh, I can't! Usually. But Ino's a sweetheart who likes to pretend she's all tough on the outside. She still hasn't accepted her sensitivity as one of her strengths." She proudly glanced at her beautiful blonde friend.
"Missionary sounds like a nightmare, right?" Sakura challenged Ino jokingly. Ino wasn't a stranger to being the center of attention, but no part of Sakura's brain would assume this particular attention was what Ino was comfortable with. So, she provided a friendly escape into humor.
"It's not that bad with all that dirty talk, I guess." Chuckles and laughs erupted throughout the room, as Ino quickly recovered her reputation as the overtly sexually experienced woman. She enjoyed sex and was proud to make it known and heard, over and over again.
"Sakura-chan, you make it seem so easy." Hinata sounded truthfully amazed. Perhaps it was the easiness with which Sakura applied her analytical skills, perhaps it was the controversial topic she applied them to, or perhaps it was only the fact that Hinata was forbidden to ever indulge in such learnings. Nevertheless, she seemed in awe of her friend with unconventional hair color and even more unconventional shinobi skills.
"Ah, well, Shikamaru kinda guessed it." Sakura admitted truthfully. "I had a lot of practice in making seduction profiles for many shinobi of Konoha."
"No way! What does mine say?" Naruto sounded proud and felt seen, strangely unswayed by the nature of the information in question.
"I don't want to know about mine." Choji murmured timidly, feigning being offended by this newly discovered information.
"Naruto, I don't think anyone else here wants to hear about the information in your profile. Or their own, for that matter." She offered an assuring, friendly nod in Choji's direction.
"Oh, come on, Forehead. Give us a little something. Just skip Choji, until he grows some balls and crawls back begging for some information." Ino stuck her tongue out at her teammate and his insecurities.
"Yeah, what's the point in hiding it anyway? You've already outed some of us." Kiba begrudgingly added.
Sensing the loss of control over the course their conversation had taken, Sakura inwardly cursed herself and her never-ending need for approval. In trepidation, her eyes searched for the pearly ones. She'd never be able to forgive herself if, in the process of proving herself worthy, she ended up hurting her friends. It was all fun and games for most of her friends, but she knew that Hinata was a sensitive, pure soul with a frighteningly low tolerance for uncomfortable situations.
Sensing Sakura's worries as if reading them with her family's famous bloodline talent, Hinata offered a consoling nod to her friend. Feeling immensely thankful for her concern, but determined to grow out of her comfort zone, Hinata's voice, only slightly above a whisper, provided the last of the arguments to convince the seduction specialist to proceed.
"I'd like to know too, Sakura-chan."
Sakura took in the blushing bride and her fidgeting, but chose to focus on the determination of her decision. Familiar with the unrelenting, stern guidance of the Hyuga clan, she realized the depth of the strength Hinata must've mustered in order to publicly acknowledge her curiosity. A warm feeling akin to pride spread throughout her chest as she pondered over the influence Naruto had on the shy girl, and vice versa. It was a privilege to witness their unraveling, incited by nothing other than the love they felt for each other.
She took a quick, yet habitual scan of the room. Her eyes grew a deeper, richer color of green. Tingles danced on the surface of her skin. She became acutely aware of the shy hue that tinted her prominent cheekbones. It was clear without a doubt that she was engulfed in the atmosphere as well, no less than her peers.
She read a pure, naked anticipation on the faces of those surrounding her. The child-like curiosity in their eyes suddenly reminded her that those were the eyes of young people who unfairly spent their formative years fighting old age conflicts, battling wars, and fighting impossible combats. They never had the privilege of being children, teenagers, exploring their own wishes and wants. No wonder the taboo subject of exploring sexuality set them all on fire.
She calmly closed her eyes as she reflected on her next steps.
"Okay. I'll share only a bit of your profiles, but I cannot give away too much. I've already said more than I should have." She took a deep breath in preparation for what was about to come. She didn't notice a few deep inhales that followed suit.
"Sai's an exhibitionist. He likes to explore and experiment, there's no notion of forbidden or inappropriate in his sex life. If he hasn't already, he'll probably try everything there is to try. However, sex becomes immensely more pleasurable for him the moment emotions come into play." Unphased, Sai shrugged and nodded in approval. Ino laced their fingers as she planted a delicate kiss on his cheek.
"Naruto, you're pretty much an open book, unsurprisingly. Creating your profile wasn't actually that difficult. You're playful in the bedroom, the same way you enjoy pulling various pranks on a regular basis. Your infamous talk-no-jutsu translates into, what I can only imagine is, a substantial amount of dirty talk. The only tricky part of your profile was the realization that you're probably more than thrilled about the prospect of oral sex. Soooo, maybe we can assume that sixty-nine is one of your favorites?" She raised one eyebrow suspiciously but never intended on waiting for an actual answer. She ignored his fuming blush and proceeded onto his wife with the sweetest smile.
"Hinata-chan, always so sweet and timid." Hinata held her breath as she battled the redness overtaking her entire face, even before her assessment began. Sakura pondered carefully over the exact wording and tactful phrasing that would bring the girl at least some degree of comfort.
"Our unit fosters a fair conjecture that you'd be extremely proficient in seduction. We assume that, despite your usual shyness, you'd enjoy developing an entirely different persona. Which is why your profile states that you'd enjoy taking the initiative in seducing your partner, and strive to assert control during sex, and most probably be particularly fond of role play."
Naruto hugged his madly blushing wife. He gently tucked her under his arm and drew her in closer. He whispered something into her hair before placing a soft kiss on the top of her head. Hinata smiled and turned to him with the most loving gaze Sakura had ever seen. It seemed almost inappropriate to witness their little private moment.
She quickly turned to the only remaining 'client' awaiting her assessment. Upon realizing his identity, she suddenly blushed a deep red, almost purplish shade.
"Ah, Shino… ehm, without going further into details… uhm, let's just say Shino is the freak in the sheets," she managed to stutter out quickly.
"And there you go. Who's hungry? Sake anyone?" Sakura tried to quickly change the subject as light-hearted laughter erupted and took over the sizzling tension.
Shino pushed his glasses up to their usual resting spot, a proud mysterious smirk grazing his lips. Kiba couldn't stop shaking back and forth while laughing vigorously and way too loudly. The two couples seemed to be amused, but still half-mindedly lingering in their own loving haze.
Shikamaru's retort came out of nowhere.
"Hold on a second. You skipped Uchiha."
"Aa. He doesn't have a profile." That seemed to have caught Naruto's attention.
"What do you mean he doesn't have a profile? Why is he so special? He was a rogue ninja, for Kami's sake!" Sakura sighed in annoyance over their never-ending competitiveness.
"True, his profile was in fact one of the most sought after. However, his connection to Orochimaru and the lack of intel never allowed for an adequate profile."
"What does that pedo have to do with it?" His playful competitiveness abruptly transitioned to smoldering fury.
"Well, according to our hypothesis, Orochimaru is not a pedophile, Naruto. We assume he's asexual," Sakura offered calmly.
"What does that have to do with me?" A sudden sound of his deep voice caused Sakura to slightly jump in surprise as her eyes whipped in his direction. One could easily get dangerously lost in his mismatched eyes, she thought.
"Some assumed that you might be asexual as well."
Sasuke responded to Naruto's chuckling with an annoyed glare before turning back to his other teammate. "And you?"
"I didn-… I don't think so." The entire night spent in revealing some of the deepest sexual desires of her friends, and yet this was undoubtedly the most uncomfortable she'd felt since the first mention of 'sex scrolls.'
"So why don't you create his profile now? You seem the best suited for the job," Shikamaru probed further.
"We… I don't have the data." A slight, but not unnoticed, frustration seeped through her reply.
"You know him," Shikamaru challenged.
Sakura angrily narrowed her eyes at him as her mind raced to find the fastest way out of the conversation.
"Go on, Sakura."
Was it the way Sasuke's authoritative voice demanded an answer, or perhaps the way her name boldly, almost seductively, rolled off his tongue, or maybe it was the underlying acknowledgement and reliance on her expertise in the matter that got to Sakura. She didn't know. The overwhelming flood of unrecognized emotions hit her, and all she knew in that moment was that she felt dizzy. And invited, compelled even, to provide an answer.
Blinking away her insecurities and discomfort, she unwaveringly looked straight into his powerful eyes.
"You're firmly committed to your goals, and you resolutely rise to each challenge. In fact, you intentionally pursue it. All of which suggests that you like to be the one seducing your partner. Any effort to seduce you might prove to be futile and… annoying."
"Shit," Ino murmured under her breath. She didn't know what kind of game her friend was playing, but she seemed to be swimming in dangerous waters. She secretly enjoyed it.
Sakura felt as though she were staring straight into the face of the almighty Sharingan, but whether it was her fierceness or stupidity, she resolved not to stop.
"This might lead one to believe that seducing Uchiha Sasuke is an impossible task. My professional opinion, however, differs. Considering your ability to build and maintain rare, but lasting bonds, I'd say that the only person able to seduce you is the one who has already caught your attention."
Sasuke held her gaze with determination. Without any genjutsu, the two of them seemed to have slipped into a world of their own, forgetting about their surroundings and the presence of others. The depth of darkness in his eye and the amused smirk on the verge of appearing propelled her to continue without missing a beat.
"You're very reserved, and even without your dojutsu, very perceptive, so that someone would indeed have to be a very special individual. Having in mind how dominant and bossy you are on the battlefield, I'd say that a girl, a woman, worthy of your attention would have to be equally dominant and assertive, both on the battlefield and in the bedroom. So, I'd say you have a weak spot for strong women. And that you particularly enjoy being dominated by them."
"Damn, Sakura-chan, you read right through him. The only thing left is bastard's favorite position," Naruto chuckled, enjoying seeing his best friend being somewhat humbled. The overwhelming sexual tension between his teammates wasn't lost on him, though. He simply decided he'd take his time relishing every second of the entertaining situation.
Without breaking their locked gazes and without missing a beat, Sakura advanced.
"Probably any with the girl on top, on full display. I bet he'd use Sharingan as well."
"Hn."
"Am I wrong, though?" she challengingly smiled, delighting in the sense of control she had over him.
"What about your profile?" he smirked right back at her.
"What about my profile?" she played innocent.
"You said everyone has a profile, except for me."
"And now that Uchiha has his profile as well, it's only fair we hear yours too," Kiba intercepted.
"Sakura-chan, you promised!" Naruto pleaded childishly.
"I've never promised that!" she hissed back, equally childishly.
"Technically, you don't need to share any information yourself. You provided enough guidance for us to try and guess your profile." Sakura shot Shikamaru the angriest look in her arsenal.
"It's only fair that you get it as good as you give it, Sakura-chan," Naruto teased.
"That's not how the saying goes, you baka!"
"Oh, come on, Forehead, you're not scared, are you? You put each of us on the spot, it'd be nice for us to return the favor. I suggest we all pitch in with information on your profile, now, how does that sound?" Ino grinned deviously.
"Fine. But I'm neither confirming nor denying anything you say!" She shifted awkwardly as she realized there was no backing away now.
"That won't be a problem. Your face speaks for itself. Alright, I hope you're ready. I'll go first." Sakura nodded for Ino to continue, determined not to slip a single confirmation or denial. Something inside whispered it was a lost battle, but she decided to ignore it.
"Well, you're all about the blushes and acting like a little innocent Sakura, yet you're one of the few who are literally educated in seduction, so for starters, I'd say you're not so innocent as you look. I bet you're all wild and untamed, you little sex vixen!" Ino squealed enthusiastically.
"And considering her vast book knowledge, it's safe to assume she'd be very successful in making her partner reach a culmination," Sai followed up straight after Ino's assessment.
Sakura hid her face behind her palms. Sai's natural awkwardness only made things worse. A few cringed, a few chuckled before Kiba joined the conversation.
"You seemed to be very familiar with those erogenous zones earlier, so you'd definitely know how to use those to your advantage!" Sakura shot him a dirty side-eye at his payback. Karma is a bitch.
"And if I had to guess your favorite erogenous zone, I'd say boobs. For no reason. Just boobs," Kiba added cheekily.
Sakura and Ino rolled their eyes in unison. Naruto slapped the back of his head as Shino punched his bicep, murmuring a few words about his friend's lack of courtesy under his breath.
"As someone who knows a lot about seduction, I'd say you'd actually prefer to be the seduced one. You strike me as the romantic type," Shino attempted to redeem his friend's previous comments with his chivalrous politeness. Sakura smiled gratefully, recognizing his attempt to smooth things over.
"You seem to always dress nicely, Sakura-chan. A-and a bit modestly. So-o I suppose you might be fond of some nice lingerie for ladies. I think you'd look wonderful in lace," Hinata shyly disguised her 'assessment' with compliments, blushing.
With a slight blush of her own, Sakura appreciatively offered her friend a charming smile. Naruto, however, was quick to bring her out of the dreamy daze.
"Well, I know for a fact that Sakura-chan wouldn't be seduced easily. She's had many admirers over the years, yet she never went on a single date with any of them."
A tint of embarrassment jolted Sakura's insides. Naruto was too proud of his own deduction prowess to notice.
"However, she did fall for my sexy-no-jutsu once," he excitedly exclaimed. Sakura's embarrassment turned into a deeply burning shame.
"Now, let's see… looking for the opposites," Naruto mused, tapping his index finger on his chin.
"That's not how it works," Sakura muttered in annoyance to no one in particular. How typical of Naruto not to understand the explanation on the first go. At least his assumption would be way off, she consoled herself, easing her lingering discomfort.
"You throw around a lot of punches, Sakura-chan," he scratched the back of his neck, remembering some of the meanest ones, "but I'm not really sure if that means that you like to be restrained with handcuffs, tied up or something like that, or maybe you like it a little rougher, like booty slaps, ya know?"
She was too stunned to react. Kiba was already on the brink of a gut-wrenching laugh, while Ino erupted in a burst of giggles. A few smirks appeared here and there, but Sakura was too lost to notice any of it, as she struggled with the weight of a ton of bricks that had just hit her.
"But then again, you're very caring and gentle too, so maybe you're the one who's rough in between the sheets. Knowing your… erhm type, I'd say it's well deserved." He shot a daring side glance at Sasuke. Uchiha glared back, seemingly unphased, hiding well the fact that his blood was boiling underneath the cold, brooding exterior he put on.
"Naruto," Sakura snarled in warning.
"Oh, I don't know! This isn't as easy as it looks. And I really don't want this picture of you two doing it on our next mission while I'm sleeping right next to you, that's just… disturbing," he whined, crinkling his nose in disgust.
"Naruto!" she shrieked in horror.
"What? Everyone knows that if anyone is to seduce you, it'd be Sasuke!" Naruto snapped back defensively, as if it was the most reasonable thing in the world to say. It was never a secret, either.
"Dobe."
"Idiot!" Sakura had had enough. Her fist glowed a menacing green color.
"Sakura?" Choji's voice stopped Sakura mid-motion.
"If you hit him now, you'll only confirm his hypothesis," Choji leisurely commented, munching on a newly opened bag of potato chips. Extra crispy.
Sakura let out an annoyed growl in defeat as Naruto triumphantly chuckled.
"He's not wrong, though. You possess both the healing abilities that require immense delicacy and the monstrous strength. It wouldn't be unusual if you were to enjoy a rougher and a gentler approach equally." Despite her irritation, Sakura couldn't dispute Shikamaru's poignant observations. Under his piercing gaze and discerning remarks, she narrowed her emerald eyes and tightly shut her lips, unwilling to argue with him.
"It's more than clear that you hold a lot of knowledge on the subject. It would be wise to assume that you've told us no more than a pinch of information you actually possess. The fact that you've never used or spoken about those abilities in our presence before leaves me fairly certain that, besides acquiring the knowledge of seduction, you've also mastered the ability to hide your own sexual preferences and traces that would allow anyone to deduce how to seduce you. So, realistically speaking, there is no way for us to know for sure if any of our guesses are correct. Besides the obvious."
"What's the obvious?" Ino wondered aloud.
"She likes to dominate," a dusky voice echoed throughout the silence as one of the famous Uchiha smirks deviously played on his lips.
"Bust-ed!" Ino chanted teasingly. Sakura threw a lazy punch at her bicep.
"And now you've confirmed all of Naruto's comments!" Ino relentlessly kept poking at her blushing best friend while rubbing the hurt arm.
"I've warned her," Choji muttered under his breath to no one in particular.
No more than fifteen minutes later, the conversation drifted far away from any mention of sex. Sakura silently hoped it would stay that way for the foreseeable future, as she was still lost in thought, struggling to look anyone in the eye. Blinking away her uneasiness, she noticed most of her friends had left the living room space and were now mingling freely and happily throughout Naruto and Hinata's home.
Choji thoughtfully browsed through the contents of Naruto's fridge, evidently looking for something in particular. Shino and Shikamaru comfortably conversed over the two shots of sake that Hinata had just poured for her guests. Naruto happily dragged Kiba, Ino, and Sai from room to room, excitedly waving his hands in the air, obsessively explaining where each piece of furniture was meant to be placed and which room they had dedicated as their future nursery.
His antics brought a sincere smile to her face. She never had a habit of staying angry with him for long, and she was certain that it would never change, no matter what happened. They were family after all.
Lost deep in her thoughts, she jumped slightly in surprise as the fabric of the couch shifted beneath her with the sudden weight dropping right next to her. She had learned a long time ago to sense him before seeing or hearing him. She basked in the familiarity of his scent and the closeness of his chakra.
"That was close. I don't think anyone got it, though, except for maybe Shikamaru. But after tonight, I'm sure he'll keep his mouth shut," she spoke with conviction, her voice silent and only a touch louder than a whisper.
"Was that really necessary?" Uchiha sighed heavily with an emotion that dangerously resembled annoyance.
She carefully observed him. Being a part of Sasuke's life required an immense amount of patience, as she had painfully learned. Over the last few years, as she honed her ability to read him, she grew to understand that no matter how powerful the eyes of an Uchiha were, they could never completely disguise the turmoil and depth of emotions they were capable of feeling. She thoughtfully wondered how many hints lying in plain sight she had missed so far.
He wasn't annoyed, she noticed. His mismatched eyes held her gaze unwaveringly. She was captured by the softness, and something akin to longing, glistening in his dark eye. She almost missed the faint tint of pinkish hues on the tips of his cheeks.
"What?" she played innocent.
"Out of everything you could've said, you had to say I like to be dominated," he scoffed.
Ever since that peculiar forehead poke that represented their turning point of sorts, she had respectfully allowed him to set the pace for their developing connection. She offered nothing but grace and understanding for his need for privacy and the slow, timid steps he took in making her his. It was all she needed from him anyway. It was all she ever wanted. And she would've hated it if she had endangered their secret, incautiously and unintentionally.
But all of her worries dissipated at the sight before her. Sasuke Uchiha was embarrassed and blushing. She bit her lower lip and held back the simmering girlish giggles.
"You challenged me. I don't back away from a challenge."
"Hn."
"Is that why you risked it with that sneaky remark about me being dominant?" She leaned in provocatively.
He smirked but remained silent. His fingers instinctively found their way to her forehead, and he let them adoringly guide a few tresses of her distinguishingly colored hair behind her ear. His hazed gaze fell to her lips. Her tongue wet her bottom lip in sweetly excruciating anticipation.
"They'll see us," she whispered, savoring and lusting over his touch. She couldn't even feign her indifference.
His fingers traveled through her hair, entangling and disentangling with her strands, all the way toward the nape of her neck, as he pulled her in for a kiss. Her breath hitched at his deliciously painful and slow moves.
It took her a second to register that his lips were finally touching hers, but it took less than one to get lost in them. The warm, wet trace they left lured her in with an inexplicable power, and she sensed the very moment she lost control over her thoughts and movements. Her hands grasped on their own to grab a fistful of his shirt. She desperately needed him closer.
Her senses overflowed with his oozing warmth and silent, tense breaths. She felt the familiar heat pooling deep within her and a pleasant jolt in her stomach traveling lower.
With a heavy heart, and mustering all the reason she had left, she slowly pushed him away, creating just enough space between them to whisper teasingly.
"Wait, aren't I supposed to be the dominant one?" She bit his lower lip lightly, chuckling seductively and almost inaudibly.
A low, guttural sound left Sasuke's throat as he gripped a fistful of her hair with more strength, ravenous and yearning for more.
He didn't waste a single thought on worrying about being seen kissing Sakura as he hungrily suffocated her giggles with his kisses. After all, it had been a long time coming.
Author's Note: I've absolutely no idea where this story came from! But I hope you enjoyed it! And I don't know about you, but I think Choji was an absolute legend in this one. xD
Can't wait to read your feedback and I want to know all about your thoughts on Sakura's assessments.
Sending you all virtual kisses and hugs!
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
-fashh
