XXX
Janus was scared, and so he'd done the only thing he'd ever really been able to do when he was truly afraid- run and hide.
There was a part of him that was still present, a part that still knew that it had been Roman he was fighting with, but there was another part of him that was convinced he was a young child again and that it wasn't Roman, and that was the part that won out in the end. And once that part had taken over, all he could do was try to escape.
Later, he would tell himself that he didn't know why he had panicked so badly this time. He got yelled at all the time, and he was insulted and pushed around often enough that he was used to it. Things like this didn't usually make him freak out like this- no, they made him angry (but, Janus would also ignore the whispers of what Roman had said, the way he looked, the way he'd grabbed him and the way it hurt).
But at the time, all Janus could do was run into the nearest bathroom and lock himself inside a stall, collapsing onto the floor, uncaring of how unsanitary it was.
His chest hurt, and he knew it was because he was hyperventilating, but he couldn't stop himself. His every attempt just resulted in choking gasps that made him feel like he was drowning, and his lungs felt like they were filled with smoke and ash and- he couldn't breathe.
His hands shook, but somehow, he managed to pull off his gloves and push up his sleeves, raking down his arms with his chipped nails until the scabs ripped open and he began to bleed.
No one wants you. You were a mistake. Snakeface. Don't you dare talk back. You're horrible. Terrible. Mistake. No one wants you, worthless child. No one wants you. No one wants you and it's your own fault because you're horrible and terrible and everything they tell you is true and you're just too stupid to accept it. It's all your fault. I wouldn't have to do this if you would just BEHAVE-
Suddenly, breaking through the chaos in his mind, there was a knock on the stall's door.
XXX
Remy's partner had been conveniently absent that day, and even more conveniently, the teacher apparently hadn't noticed, or maybe, just hadn't really cared. So, Remy had been sent out into the hall in front of the theatre classroom and had essentially been playing on his phone for the last half hour.
As such, he'd almost dropped it when Roman suddenly charged down the hall, looking like he'd just killed a man and needed help to hide the body. Then, Remy remembered who Roman was partnered with and thought that might not be as remote of a possibility as one would hope.
"Woah, Ro, calm down," he said, putting a hand up. "What happened? Where's that Janus kid?"
Roman stopped in front of him, breathing like he just finished running a marathon. It was then that Remy noticed that Roman's eyes were red, with tears building up in the corners, and his lower lip was wobbling.
"I… I…," he stumbled. "We-We got into a fight."
Well, that definitely seemed par for the course.
"Okay. And then?" he prompted.
"Well- I got annoyed about his acting so we started fighting over it and insulting each other, and then I said some things, and then he said some things, and then I said some really bad things, and then he started having a panic attack, and I'm an idiot, so I grabbed his arm when he tried to run off, and he freaked out even more, and then he really ran off and I don't know what to do because he was panicking pretty badly, and Patton's in class and probably won't answer his phone, and even if he did, Janus doesn't like him very much, so that might make the whole things even worse, and I don't know what to do."
Once Roman had finished word-vomiting his explanation, it took Remy a second to process it. When it did, though, he mentally cursed.
"Okay. Here's what we're gonna do," Remy told him. "You stay here and try to calm yourself down. Drink some water, play some phone games, look at pictures of cats, whatever. I'm going to go see if I can find him and if he's okay. If the teach is wondering where we are or class ends or whatever before I get back, just tell the teacher Janus got sick and I went with him to the bathroom or something. Got it?"
"Yeah… Yeah, just… I…," Roman muttered. "Rem, Janus is a jerk, but I really messed up with this."
Remy sighed.
"Well, you can deal with that later," he told him, trying not to be too harsh. "But if it's really that bad, I should go make sure he's okay now, alright?"
This time, Roman nodded, and Remy grabbed his backpack, already assuming he wasn't gonna be back. Then, he went to go track down his classmate.
Remy felt a knot of worry forming in his stomach. Granted, he didn't exactly know Janus all that well- even sharing a class with him, he knew more about him through Roman via Patton- but considering the circumstances, he thought he'd be worried about almost anyone. Beyond that, though, Remy couldn't deny feeling just a little bit of camaraderie (?) toward him.
Once, he'd been a lot more like Janus. He'd been angry all the time, and he always made sure everyone else knew about it. He'd acted out and broken rules and did all sorts of things to get himself in trouble- until he'd gotten expelled in his last year of middle school. After that, there was a lot of therapy and counseling and all sorts of things, and by now, Remy liked to think he had a pretty good handle on his anger. At least, when he acted out now, it didn't really hurt anyone.
Janus, put simply, had a reputation, and everything he saw of the boy didn't exactly disprove it. He hadn't really judged him too harshly over it, though- he'd been there and knew that there was likely a reason or two behind why Janus was the way he was. But he also knew that it wasn't exactly his business and that, when he was like that, he wouldn't have accepted any help offered to him either.
Seeing Janus at the library that day had, of course, been a coincidence. In fact, upon noticing him, his first thought of what to do was to simply go on with his day and maybe mention it offhandedly to Roman or something, since Roman had been complaining about their assignment. But then Remy had watched him for a little bit and, even being practically across the room, he could tell that Janus was struggling. So, he'd gone over and offered to help, even if it was with a bit of Remy Flare, and just as he'd expected, Janus denied his offer. Also following expectations, Janus never called him.
And so, Remy left it at that. He knew that Janus needed some kind of help, but he barely knew the guy, so he didn't even know what kind of help he needed. He offered what he could, and if Janus didn't want it, there wasn't much he could really do.
But, now that Roman had apparently given the guy a panic attack and freaked out over it, he sort-of felt like he needed to get involved, even just to quickly make sure he wasn't, like, actually having an asthma attack or something and needed immediate medical assistance.
So, Remy looked in the places where he would have gone if he was having a panic attack at school and wanted to get away from someone, the only real option for any level of privacy: the bathrooms. He checked two, both with no sign of him, before coming to the third one and immediately knowing he'd found the right one this time.
He could hear gasping, choking sobs and heavy breaths as soon as he opened the bathroom door. And sure- it could be someone else having a panic attack in the bathroom, but seeing as the bathrooms weren't usually filled with kids having panic attacks, Remy thought it was a fair assumption to conclude that it was Janus in the stall.
Taking a deep breath and trying to settle his carefree, hopefully non-threatening, persona over himself, Remy closed the door behind himself and went over to the stall. He knocked.
"Hey, Babes, you good in there?"
He expected Janus to yell at him to leave or something similar, but he didn't. Really, he didn't respond to Remy at all, only crying a little louder.
Remy silently debated with himself for a moment about what he was going to do, knowing that it might be necessary but could also cause a very awkward and creepy problem if he guessed wrong about who was in the stall and/or what they were doing. He knelt down on the floor and could see someone sitting down, though, so he figured that, at the very least, he wouldn't catch anyone with their pants down.
Decision made, Remy crawled under the gap beneath the door, and sure enough, Janus was sobbing on the floor of the bathroom.
Except that wasn't what made Remy freeze and stare at him in shock.
Janus's arms and hands were covered in blood, the source of which was the very obvious, bleeding wounds decorating his forearms. He didn't see a knife, so Janus must have reopened previously-made wounds with his nails. There was blood under his nails and smears of it between cuts, and Remy could see raised welts, most likely from the apparent scratching.
Janus didn't seem to notice him at first, but when he did, he flinched as his breathing grew even harsher.
Remy came closer but still maintained some distance in case being crowded would make him panic more.
"Hey, it's okay," Remy told him. "Or, it's gonna be okay in a little bit, 'Kay?"
Tears continued to roll down Janus's cheeks.
"Okay, so try to follow along with my breathing. We're going to do a breathing exercise."
Remy began to demonstrate, breathing in a slow, even pattern. At first, Janus didn't seem to know what he was doing, but he started struggling to follow along after a while. After that, there were long minutes of Janus trying to breathe evenly, sometimes succeeding for a bit before descending back into hyperventilation, but he eventually got the hang of it and slowed his breathing back down to a closer-to-normal rate.
"Okay, cool, great job," Remy praised. "Now, how 'bout we try to name some stuff we can see-"
"I'm. Not. Five," Janus hissed between breaths.
"I know, I know," Remy placated. "But it's a grounding exercise. Thought it might help."
"I'm fine."
"Come on, Babe, we both know that isn't true."
"DON'T FUCKING CALL ME THAT!"
He put up his hands in a surrendering gesture.
"Alright, I'll cut it out with the pet names," Remy acquiesced. "But, Janus, you do realize that you're just coming out of a panic attack, right?"
"Shut. up."
Remy did, in fact, shut up, at least for a few minutes. He didn't want to push Janus too hard at the moment, especially when he still hadn't really calmed down yet. But once it seemed like they were out of the woods on that front, Remy spoke up again.
"Do you have a first-aid kit?"
Janus blinked at him.
"What? No, why-"
That was apparently the point that Janus registered the fact that his arms were exposed and Remy could see the cuts. Remy was sure that, if the boy had any resources left to do so, he would have gone right back into another panic attack.
"Don't tell anyone!" Janus hissed, practically pleading.
Instead of answering immediately, Remy reached out beneath the door to grab his backpack, starting to rifle around in it.
"…I won't," Remy sighed. "But you do need to get them wrapped up and shit, or they're gonna get infected."
Finally finding the kit, Remy pulled it out and set it on the floor between them.
"You wanna do it yourself, or do you want me to help?"
Janus blinked at him again, the tears still shining on his red cheeks.
"What?"
"Look, I get that you might not wanna be touched, especially right now, and you clearly don't want anyone knowing about those," Remy explained. "So I'm giving you an option about whether you want me to help or not."
Janus just stared at him for a while longer before shakily reaching out a hand to pull the first aid kit closer (and though Remy noticed that he had some scars on his hands that looked a lot like the one on his face, he said nothing about it).
Janus slowly and methodically cleaned his wounds, wiping away the blood and throwing the disinfecting wipes into the toilet when he was done. Then, he took out a roll of bandages and wrapped his arms, pulling his sleeves back down when he was done. Finally, he pulled his gloves on, hiding the little bits of blood still trapped beneath his nails.
"… Why…?" Janus asked quietly once he finished, his tone blank.
"Why what? You gotta be a little more specific."
Janus shot him a glare.
"I don't know, why are you here, why are you trying to help, why aren't you going to tell anyone?" Janus questioned. "Take your fucking pick."
Remy shifted so he was sitting a bit more comfortably.
"Well, I'm here 'cuz Roman was freaking out about whatever happened between you two, so I came to see if you were okay or not, which, that answer's kinda obvious," Remy explained. "And I mean, it would be kinda a jerk move to find you like this and not do anything, right?"
Then, Remy turned his head and sighed.
"As for why I won't tell…," he trailed off for a moment. "I mean, I don't really know if telling someone will help. Like, just because you cut yourself doesn't mean you're suicidal, and whether you are or not, I know that telling someone can make it worse sometimes. Plus, for all I know, your parents already know about it and you're going to therapy. Point is, I don't really know all that much about you or your situation, and those cuts don't look bad enough to kill you, so."
He shrugged, though he felt more uncomfortable than he was trying to let on.
"I won't tell," he repeated. "I mean, if I came in here and you were bleeding out, I'd totally call an ambulance, though."
Janus stared at him for a long moment.
"… You're strange."
Remy turned back to look at him.
"I'd say fabulous, but whatever."
With a roll of his eyes, Janus turned to grab some toilet paper so he could wipe his face, throwing that into the toilet with all the bloody debris and flushing. Then, Janus stood, a little shakily, and wiped the dirt off his pants.
"Well, as lovely as this conversation has been, I think I've had enough of sitting on the bathroom floor."
Remy also stood, unlocking the stall. Janus went to exit the bathroom, but Remy spoke up.
"Hold on for a sec," he said. "Do you still have my number?"
Janus grimaced for a moment and sighed.
"I don't know. I shoved the paper in my backpack, so I'm sure it's in there somewhere…," Janus replied before pausing. "Fuck, I left my backpack in the hall."
"I'll text Ro to ask if he grabbed it," Remy told him. "But try to look for my number, okay? Even if you don't end up needing it."
"Why?"
"Because if something's ever happening and you need help or just someone to talk to, you can call me. 'Kay?" Remy insisted. "Like if you did something and need help but you don't want your parents finding out. Or you're having a problem and you're alone or something. Call me."
"…"
Janus didn't respond, but Remy hoped he would at least consider calling if he needed to.
"But, anyway, wanna ditch the rest of the day?" Remy asked. "'Cuz I don't know about you, but I really don't feel like going back to class."
Janus gave him a calculated stare.
"I mean, you don't have to ditch with me, but the offer's open."
And Remy expected him to say 'no', but instead:
"Fine. Whatever."
"Cools."
And as they left the bathroom, Remy cursed to himself. Apparently, Janus was a lot more similar to him than he had hoped.
XXX
