9 Months, 1 Day Later
Erina Nakiri had made a huge mistake.
What is the taste of regret? Is it bitter? Sour? Salty, umami?
Hot tears stung her eyes red, blurring the vision of her bedroom door shutting in her face. Her stomach muscles squeezed and twisted into agonizingly tight knots. One second she was blinking at the back of Soma Yukihira's fiery-red bedhead; the next, she was lurching over, spilling her guts all over her vintage Vera Wang rug.
Of course, she knew the only person to blame for her miserable situation was—
Enough!
I AM ERINA NAKIRI, THE GOD TONGUE. I can speak for myself! I don't need you or anyone else telling my story. I'm the one reeling from pain and suffering here! It's difficult as is to relive, and I highly doubt your pissant brain could do my voice or my story the justice it deserves. You don't know me; nobody knows me better than I know myself.
So, I will tell my own story.
(I—I was only trying to help because you are prone to dissociation when you're in—)
AHT-AHT! I'm going to stop you right there! Your services are no longer required. You can go ahead and leave now.
(But I'm your inner monologue? You can't get rid of me!)
Go on, show yourself out. THANK YOU SO MUCH.
(But—!)
Anyway...
I MADE A COLOSSAL MISTAKE!
(Yeah, you really did!)
It was love at first bite. I know that now.
𓍯𓂃𓏧
"Soma, wait!"
My voice breaks as my bedroom door clicks shut like a quiet, final goodbye. The faint steps echoing down the hallway, retreating from earshot, belong to the boy whose heart I just crushed. His leaving leaves me reeling because this isn't how I'm supposed to feel.
My stomach clenches and twists, squeezed into tight knots. One moment, I'm dancing in the pool on Christmas Eve, cuddling as if in a magical dream, gazing into warm, golden eyes with a smile. Next, I'm blinking back hot tears pricking the corners of my eyes, blurring the lines between nightmare and reality. Fiery red hair flares with betrayal, but it does not come to burn me; it's too burnt out.
He's giving up on me.
Like a punch to the gut, my lungs give out, and my stomach's contents spill all over the rug on my floor. So long, vintage Vera Wang.
What the hell just happened?
Silence engulfs me as my heart starts to race. Each heart-pounding pump against my heaving lungs feels like I'm seconds closer to death. My shallow, stuttering breaths give way to a giant black hole ripping open in my chest. A pain so white-hot it's blinding washes over my entire body—burning, aching, furiously demanding my attention, closing in the walls around me like a familiar dungeon.
My knees buckle, my hands shake, and the sob echoing out of my throat, I-I can't even recognize it. Gravity defeats me, and I succumb to its will, falling to my knees, pinned by the weight of my decision.
Quite honestly, I am stunned.
What is this feeling that I'm feeling?
It feels like a savage beast is shredding my heart. My head pounds harder than my chest, and I'm nine out of ten times sure I am having a panic attack because nothing feels real anymore. Not the moonlit darkness around me, not the sheepskin rug between my toes, not even the silence is suffocating my sense of direction. My sense of self.
What the hell did I do?
The hole grows, blotting out the soft lighting in my room, blocking the soothing scent of my candles, and muffling the sound of my shallow breaths, which gradually build into heaving pants.
This nagging emotion gnawing at my bones feels alien and… grave. Realizing that I just made the most painful mistake of my life hits me like a hot slap. Like my soul is on fire, like discarded paper burning to ash, this overwhelming purge of my senses leaves me feeling emptied.
What am I supposed to do now?
I did not mean to make Soma cry. I did not anticipate feeling like I'm dying. I have no frame of reference for regretting the end of a relationship. So, I am confused about why my heart is clenching for dear life, and my stomach is twisting, tightening around my lungs, begging for air. But I have forgotten how to breathe. My lungs have locked behind their cage. My heart just walked right out the door. My body immediately begins its assault against me. Since I was born, my body has always rejected what doesn't agree— textures, tastes, aromas, beverages, pain, pleasure, people…
Me. When she's angry, at least. She rejects me. Like, I rejected him. My unforgiving meat sack mocks me.
(Another poor decision, you brat. Another stupid, fucking mistake.)
(See you now. Pitiful. Broken. Alone.)
(Just like he said you'd be.)
"Oh my god, Erina-sama!" Hisako's distant cry drowns out the sinister voice of shame like a soothing rain. This regret is a new pain that reaches places deep within my core; I didn't know pain could be felt. I think I'm dying. The debilitatingly sharp and shooting ache webbing through my nervous system… this acute stinging pain in my belly, twisting my stomach like it's drying out a soaked rag. Why am I responding this way?
"Erina-sama, are you okay?" In a daze, I looked around my shrinking space, searching for the source of her call.
Why am I on the floor?
I have never experienced this kind of suffering before. "I think I'm dying," a haunting voice echoes out of my throat. It does not belong to me. It cannot.
But her soft voice, drenched in tender concern, only swells the shame back over me, alerting me that she had once again borne witness to my pain. She would come to my aid even if I didn't want her to fill me with guilt—she always does, and I don't like it.
I don't want it.
I don't want her to comfort me. Not again. Not now. Not over this. It wouldn't be fair to her. She deserves better—a more balanced friendship.
My actual divine ability is pushing away love. The closer they are, no matter the reason for my need to isolate, the farther I push them away when I need them the most.
Right now? I'm pushing her away because I don't want to be "Sama" right now. I can't be her. I'm just…
"Miss Erina?" Hisako's panicky voice envelops me like a thin blanket as I fold in on myself, clutching the navy blue hoodie that clings to my chest.
It hits me like a freight train: I'm just a teenage girl underneath all the beauty and privilege, titles and honorifics, wealth and influence, roles and responsibilities.
I'm just me: a broken mess of a bitch who breaks every good thing around me and leaves every good person in my miserable company broken and who hates people in my business.
(It's true. You do, you messy, broken, gorgeous girl.)
A sour taint of guilt coats my tongue and activates my gag reflex. Hisako's always working for me, putting her needs before mine, and now I don't know how to ask her to be my friend for this. Not this.
Yet, I could not cling to anyone else. Only she would take me as I am, and only I could blame myself for that. Alice would only bully me into reversing my decision. Polar Star will surely take his side. The other supporting characters will never be close enough to me to know my business. Without Hisako, I am alone. This is my doing. This emotional unraveling of my ego is my hellscape full of suffering and remorse.
(You're a fool. A fraud. A fake friend. A fucking wreck of a human being.)
A sob chokes out of me, rattling my bones and brain against my skull. I can barely hear my own choked-out words. I doubt she does, either. "Hisako, just…go." I desperately force myself to swallow down a thick cry.
My world is crashing in, and I'm crashing out. I want to scream my head off. I want to blot out the shame. I closed my eyes, shaking myself to keep the tears at bay, and I couldn't even fix my lips to tell the girl closest to me why.
(No one will love you because you don't even know how to receive love without ruining it.)
"No," she firmly refuses, wrapping her arms around me. "I'm your friend, Erina-sama, and I'm not leaving!" She draws me in closer, stroking my hair. "Friend? What's going on? Talk to me."
What am I supposed to say?
I'm in love with Soma and I juat made the worst mistake by letting him go. I need to get him back before it's too late!
Absolutely not. Hisako knows nothing. I've kept every single intimate detail between me and Soma close to my chest. She doesn't know about the night in the woods last fall when we locked pinkies and held hands in the dark covering of my family forest. I never told her about the quiet time we shared outside, on the veranda at his birthday party. She has no clue about how the night I visited his dorm room to tell Soma my story turned into a nightly ritual of us cuddling in his bed and talking for hours. How our night routine continued on the train to Hokkaido, littered with kisses and secrets and sweet promises that Soma actually fulfilled. And she would never find out about the romantic night in my indoor pool and the emotional intimacy we shared in my bed.
I didn't tell her the truth then, and I wouldn't start now. Not about Soma. I couldn't break down over him in front of Hisako. She shouldn't have to keep seeing me down bad over stupid boys. It's not a good look for the Director of Totsuki Culinary Academy to look so weak in front of her secretary. She shouldn't feel the need to take care of me so much. Not anymore. Not when we're working on just being friends.
But it couldn't be helped. I guess old habits die hard. She wrapped her arms around me and made our temples touch. "Are you all right?"
"Ha. No. I'm having a panic attack." Hisako's eyes grew wide as if she didn't expect my honesty. Neither did I, but I was in shambles, but that would be all the emotional honesty she'd get out of me tonight. I can't tell her the truth and bear to look her in the eye.
"I'm going to go call for help!"
"No! D-Don't," I croak. Thanks to my curated palate, my throat was rarely this dry. I found this frightening because I know what it means. "I can't handle any more of my business leaking to TohSpo or any of the other gossip rags, Hisako!" I just wanted to cry in peace and do my job without anyone noticing. I steeled my voice. "I'm—I'm fine. I think I overate," I lie, because the truth was too suffocating to utter.
(Wrong lie, Ice Queen!)
It hit me as soon as it hit her.
I peer over at Hisako's confused expression. "Uh, Erina, if memory serves me right. You skipped lunch today and barely had time for dinner." Memory always served Hisako right. Since becoming the academy director, I barely ate them because it was my first business lunch with the Board of Directors. Who hosts a business lunch on Christmas Eve?!
She eyed the pool of vomit. "Also, nothing came up," she added, unimpressed, handing me a cup of water, which I have no idea where she got it from.
"Oh. Right…" I moan, feeling emptier than ever before, burying my shame in the palms of my hands. I haven't eaten a meal since… damn. I couldn't remember. We'd been alone in my bedroom thousands of times and shared countless stories and secrets, but I couldn't do it this time. It wouldn't bode well for this new season of friendship we're experiencing.
Soma (There, I said it, okay?!)... complicates things between us. Not that he knows or even tries to, but ever since he arrived in that test kitchen, something between Hisako and me has been unraveling and knotting simultaneously.
She's mentioned in passing how much she thinks my personality changes whenever he's around. I brush them off, but I still lose myself in the memories of those intimate nights in each other's train cars and the kiss we shared in his dorm room. Memories made just weeks ago with the only person not named Nakiri who wasn't afraid to confront me, to see himself as my equal, not as a servant. Even though he was a man, something about his effort to reach me made me feel like he saw me. Soma sees me. Not my family's legacy, my titles or persona, or even the accepted pressure of my new role.
Just. Me.
I hadn't noticed when she came up behind me. I hadn't felt it when she placed her delicate hands on my shoulders. Her face was etched with concern, her tone patient and caring as she smoothed soothing circles against my back. "You're zoning out again and shutting down." Slowly, Hisako rounds my chaise to kneel before me. "What do you need? You know I'll do anything to help you. Let me help," she sweetly begs and lightly kisses the back of my clenched fist and then my forehead. I writhe on my lounge under her delicate touch, ashamed to find comfort in it, considering why I am a fucking mess right now, and bury my head deeper into its soft cushions.
I just let my person leave, and all I want is for him to come back. Even though I know it's for the best that he stays away, I couldn't answer her question with the truth. Not as she peppers my face with butterfly kisses on my temple, forehead, and crown, cradling me like I'm a rare gem, fragile and valuable, certainly expensive. And for a second, allowing me to believe I deserve love. I feel like nothing but a precious flower in Hisako's hands. Her quiet presence and steadfast devotion ground me in ways I cannot live without. My rose would've long been clipped a long time ago without her. I cannot lose Hisako.
So, when she reaches out and cups my tear-stained cheeks with the same delicate motion she sifts through dried herbs and stares into my eyes with a tenderness that makes my heart ache, I let her. She looks at me like the world revolves around me, like there's nothing she wouldn't do to make me happy, like only she can love me properly.
I used to think that was true—when I didn't believe anyone else could.
And there's a deeply selfish part of me, a bit acidic and unsweet, that wants to consume that patronizing worship like it's a sacred act right now.
"You're a good girl, Hisako." I hiccup, emotions flooding me, my thoughts racing. A greedy, messy, selfish part of my soul that wants to consume the unspoken tension lingering between us and give Hisako a chance to prove to me what she's too afraid to admit, but that I know. A pining part of my ego wants to test the limits of her unwavering loyalty and cave into her quiet desires, and just for a moment, fall into her loving arms and be healed of this throbbing ache in my heart… stomach…chest…and mind.
She wouldn't mind.
She would gladly receive my offering as a blessing.
And if I give her what she wants, she'll be grateful that I gave her anything. Even if she deserves more than a secret drunken rendezvous.
So, hurting Hisako is the least of my concerns right now. I wouldn't, but I don't even have the emotional bandwidth to care about the risks to our friendship right now. I only want to be soothed and cherished, to forget what I just lost. I don't want to be guilted into something deeper. She's my best friend in the world, so I hope she understands.
I clear my throat, trying to cut through the tightness in my chest. The alcohol from earlier is long gone; my mind is clear, but my heart is still a raging storm. I slide my gaze around her delicate features, though I can barely hear my voice over the heavy pounding of blood rushing in my ears. "Why were you searching for me, anyway? It's Christmas, you're off the clock until after the New Year."
Hisako hesitates, but only for a breath, her eyes flicking between mine before drifting down my lips. "You disappeared from the party, and when you didn't return my texts or calls, I decided to look for you," she drawls, her tone comforting but still pitched with her signature concern for me.
"So…" I tease through wet sniffles. "You were worried about me?" Our lips brush with more intention, but still barely touch.
"Of course, I was worried about you, Erina-sama! I figured you slipped away to go do some work, and I came to stop you because it's Christmas," she teased right back, not whining, but I couldn't help but pity her tone. Of course, she would come looking for me. When had Hisako ever been able to let me out of her sight without worrying about me?
Hisako's hands gently stroke my jawline as her eyes drink me in with such deep affection that my breath hitches. Hisako's hands have always felt safe. Soothing. The moisturized pads of her fingers sweep away my tears, and my resolve slips the instant she slowly leans forward, her soft thumbs gently stroking away the tears tumbling down my cheeks. She closes the distance between our faces and places a butterfly-soft kiss on my nose.
She pulls back enough to look at me. "Where'd you go? Hm, friend?" she whispers feather-soft, concern dancing across her doe eyes. She lingers there, her pink bangs tickling my nose, her lips barely hovering over mine. Her warm breaths, shallow with the melon mint tinge of alcohol, brush over my wobbly bottom lip, and suddenly it hits me why she's being this forward. "I really was worried about you, Erina-sama," she admits, her voice thick with drunken desire.
Like a gentle glide down a slow river, that familiar current, laced with something more between us, runs through me. The atmosphere is charged, shifting from stifling chaos to a blanket of unspoken curiosity between two best friends who have always found comfort in each other during hard times. It's more muted and peaceful than the storm I'm leaving behind with Soma. It feels like when I'm on the family yacht in the middle of the ocean, in the middle of nowhere. Just the two of us.
I am safe with her.
Hisako is my person. She knows all my secrets. She has all my information. She keeps me alive and functioning. So, fuck it.
I don't know which one of us moves first, or if it was the warm spread of alcohol or the simmering of suppressed feelings, but as Hisako's wet, pillowy lips press into mine, all the stress and tension I'd been holding in melts away. The kiss is soft and careful, sending a swell of being cherished blooming in my chest.
"Mm-mhn," I murmur approvingly into her mouth. "It doesn't matter anymore."
But it's too timid. It doesn't give me rippling butterflies like Soma's do. Hisako's kisses are tender brushes and nibbles on my lips like she's hungry but doesn't know how to eat her food. I hate myself too much right now to accept such shyness. This is a source of comfort, not a romance, to me. I do not want the softness that forgives so easily. Doing so feels like making a false promise to her. But this isn't that kind of kiss; this isn't that type of moment of escape.
Impatient, I lean my head into the kiss and draw her closer, deepening our connection, fueled by my need to feel fully accepted. The tip of my tongue persistently laves over the soft flesh of her bottom lip. Like a demanding brat, because I am. But Hisako accepts me just as I am, with my flaws. It doesn't take her long to catch on to my need to feed after I nibble her bottom lip and gently tug it, running my tongue back and forth through the divot of her lips. She catches on and slightly parts her lips to grant me access as they tremble with nervous anticipation, and that's all the permission I need.
Our tongues meet in a slick dance as I drink into her warm mouth. The soft and wet sensations ground me, making it easy to forget that anything else matters, except for the confidence that Hisako knows everything about me and still wants me.
Not everything. Not Soma. The pesky voice against me mocks me with the truth, and it sucks all the air out my lungs.
I kiss Hisako, more to block out the noise, squeezing every bit of goodness from the purest girl I know. Hisako's presence is warm and inviting, a cozy shelter in the storm. Maybe it's the trace amounts of fresh mint and ripe melon coating her palate or the surge of dominance and control that comes from Hisako relaxing into my touch, but whatever it is, I need all of it. There is no room for heartbreaking or intrusive thoughts about how I push the people I want away when the sweet taste of Hisako's surrender welcomes me with open arms. I can still taste the melon saké and caviar from the Christmas party, mixing sweet and salty on my tongue. It tingles my sensitive taste buds and sends me searching all over her mouth with my tongue for more. I lean deeper into the kiss, accepting more of Hisako's affection because she's giving it to me.
"Mine," I breathe into her mouth.
"Yours," she moans back, pressing herself into me. Her dress ruffles around us and scratches my exposed legs as I clamp them around her thighs.
This is not our first kiss, far from it. But the passion behind it, growing within it, is…new. More confident, Hisako's calming ministrations start matching the fire I'm trying to burn out inside of me. The need to consume my sadness keeps pulling me into her lips for the solace only Hisako can provide. She's not who I want to be with, and I think we both know that. Still, her sweet, heated kisses taste better than these salty, bitter tears of regretting actions I cannot repent for just yet. She offers me something more stable and secure than the spontaneously raging fire that Soma ignites within me— I cannot trust it. I do not know that version of myself, so I do not trust it. Who I am with Soma is too new to understand, too happy.
But Hisako offers a familiar comfort, something much better than being heartbroken, lonely, or getting back with Eishi.
With each labored breath, our kiss becomes increasingly passionate and vulnerable. We break away to catch our breaths, and it tickles my belly to hear us panting in sync. We stare into each other's eyes in the dimness of my room. Our friendship has taken a weird turn since returning from Rabun Island. Hisako's pupils are blown wide, and her gaze silently asks me a question before we crash our lips together again in a searing kiss. The frantic liplock is desperate and needy— the only way I can answer her request. In this forbidden moment, we both want the same thing— to belong.
To be connected to someone else without fear. To be loved and liked without expectations.
I recognize that this is wrong. The power imbalance makes it unfair for Hisako. This could damage our friendship.
(Also, more importantly, she works for you! She's on the company payroll!)
It doesn't feel right—Hisako has always struggled to handle more than a sip of champagne before her vision blurs and the room spins. Yet, I still feel unwell. So, even in her intoxicated state, I come first, and despite the guilt surrounding my judgment for kissing her, I yearn for more of Hisako's love and affection. It is safe enough to push away the memory of how heartbroken Soma looked, and how drastically my heart plummeted at the sight of his tearstained face. Or how cold the room felt when I asked him to leave me alone, and how he left my bed hollow from his indentation. Hisako's kisses distract me from the truth.
I'm not good at love.
"Um, Hisako…" My voice trails off into a soft question. But the love bites Soma left behind seem to have only made Hisako's liquid confidence grow. "M-Maybe we should st—"
But Hisako hears nothing as the seconds extend our silent embrace. She kisses me like she is thinking of nothing else, consuming my lips, and gooseflesh prickles my shoulders as she pushes up my hoodie with soft hands, exploring my torso and my breasts. Her touches are gentle whispers trailing behind burning kisses. She's getting better at worshipping my body, and now that I know her confidence is fueled by liquid courage, I can tell she's more at ease with claiming what she wants.
A guttural cry of regret moans out of me just as her lips devour mine, but Hisako takes it as desire because she becomes more assertive, pushing her tongue against mine, chasing and flicking our tongues in a sensual dance. Her hands squeeze my wet cheeks, still soothingly stroking the tears away as she slows down her tempo like she suddenly realizes there's no need to rush. I pull back to tease her bottom lip with nips and nibbles; the intimacy suddenly feels too much to handle. I snap back to my senses and want to shrink away.
"Erina," she whispers, tone thick with fear and desire. Her hips begin a slow rock against me, and the friction against my comfy clothes and soft skin feels sinfully delicious. She watches me intently, "Is this what you want?" She breathes between kisses, a languid lick of her tongue running under the roof of my mouth, "Is it—helping you feel better?" Her voice trembles in time with my shallow half-breaths as we share the same air.
Right now, as I gaze into her half-lidded eyes full of devotion, shimmery pink lip gloss that she borrowed from me smeared all over her face, I can't help but find her beautiful. Her question is endearing and draws me back in, and she knows she's recaptured me when she kisses me like she needs my love to breathe, to stay alive. Suddenly, I forgot again why I am so afraid to be loved by her.
"Yes," I smile into her mouth, rolling my tongue around hers. She thinks she's treating me like an equal to make me feel better. She wants to please me, to be the reason I smile. My heart aches for her naiveté, but I can't find it within me to stop her from believing in this fantasy. I'm doing this for her as much as to escape myself. Hisako often tells me because she knows me best, but it goes both ways. She knows what I like, what I want, and what I need not to be swallowed into the depths of myself.
But, so do I.
I know Hisako's deepest desires. Even if she's too afraid to ask.
I pull her in, my heartbeat slowing to heavy thuds, my mind calming into sharp focus. I draw us closer as my back slides down my plush white pillows. Our chests press together, my larger chest devouring her supple mounds, and Hisako settles into my silken touch. Her sweet, floral perfume smell decadent against her flushed neck. The comforting scents of peony and vanilla waft in my nostrils. It's the Viktor Rolf Flowerbomb I bought her a couple years back, just because. She still wears it everyday.
Her dilated pupils lock onto mine. "Uh- Are you comfortable?" she nervously checks my relaxed face.
"Yeah," I sigh into another kiss, more committed to my answer, through a small grin. Dissolving under the tenderness of her body pressed against mine, I admit, "I am." My tone holds a longing moan I cannot control, but I desperately need to release. Hisako's body weight feels good, grounding me deeper into my cloud-soft mattress, and this fleeting awareness that I am not alone, as she peppers my cheeks and neck with butterfly kisses that ripple through me like cherry blossoms across a blue sky.
But as my lips curl against her lips and our tongues slow dance…
And my body begins to surrender to the one person I don't have to pretend with…
My heart calls me a liar.
The truth caves a hole in my chest, heavy as a boulder, banging on my temples with the urgency of recent memories like an obnoxious, uninvited guest.
"What's wrong, Erina-sama?" she frantically asks, breaking our kiss.
If only I could tell her the truth. If only I could turn back time two hours ago.
No, to the winter train to Hokkaido.
No, to the beginning of autumn.
No. Midsummer?
No, to…
Ugh, I don't know!
"Stop asking me that!" My shrill voice pops the sensual bubble around us. She leans back and studies me, really looks at me through sobering eyes, and I feel guilty as hell. I'd have to return to that fateful spring morning we first met. To the day she first noticed a change in me.
But I don't wanna, so I'll just skip all that and admit the basics:
I, Erina Nakiri, am disgusted with myself. I am ashamed of my behavior towards the guy I like (and think I love), but I can't admit it to the girl who loves me. My biggest flaw has always been how I've mistreated people's loyalty. Affluence can quickly turn a nice person into a bitch, and since learning that I ruined the trust in all my relationships in ways that surprised even me, I've been working on fixing that part of myself. Because all I ever did was push the good people away, while the bad ones came and went as they pleased anyway.
But I'll unpack all of that during my next therapy session. I would laugh to keep from crying if I didn't need to save those tears for later. It's probably best since I was barely breathing and was already consuming all my strength.
We had the most romantic night of my life. Christmas hasn't always been the best time of the year for me, but tonight had been kismet at a winter ball. I can still feel the tingling in my belly from the way Soma looked at me when his burning eyes met mine across the grand hall's ballroom.
That was the second time Soma Yukihira had stolen my heart and my breath. The first time, I now realize, I fell in love with him. But that second gaze in the ballroom did something to me that I did not anticipate. It led us to each other, and I led him to my indoor pool and then to my room.
In my bed.
In his arms.
𓍯𓂃𓏧
Looking into Soma's eyes, as golden as warm honey, adoring her as he talked about why Christmas meant so much to him, made her have the thought that changed everything.
(He's too good for you.)
"Soma, can I ask you something?"
His heart leaped, but his answer didn't skip a beat. "Yes."
She tenderly held his face with both hands and searched his nonplused eyes. "Even if I told you what I really need, would you do it?"
Again, without hesitation. "Yes. I'll do anything for you, Erina."
She parted his lips and kissed him passionately. "Hm..." Erina sighed, pulling back. "Anything?" Bleary-eyed, he nodded again and held his breath for her request.
"Leave me alone."
Soma stared at her, unblinking, disbelieving. But Erina kept her steely gaze on him. She meant what she said. His mouth dried, and the air between them grew awkward and uncomfortable. She leaned back on her elbows to put some space between them. He cleared the lump forming in his throat at that and had to roll away to keep from crying.
"Soma? Aren't you going to say something?"
He said nothing. Erina's mattress was the softest place on earth, but now it felt like a prison cot, like he was punishing her. He simply picked up his clothes strewn on the floor beside her bed.
When Soma stood up, pulling his undershirt over his head, and faced her bedroom door, Erina watched him, wondering what he'd do next. As he buttoned his pants, staring at the opulence that was her bedroom, she began to replay the last two weeks in her head. He wouldn't understand that her life had become a nightmare after they won the Regimental Food War. If he did, he'd take it personally and blame himself. Erina was back to fighting demons, familial, personal, and professional, in this gilded cage. She was trying to reconcile with an absentee and abusive father and trying to contact her elusive mother. Her relationship with her doting grandfather had turned into a professional mentorship overnight as academy director and president emeritus of the Board, because there was much to do for the Academy now that the smoke was starting to clear, and it was not easy relating to him only in this corporate way. And her only extended family was busy being a loving nuclear family. Her plate is full. She has no appetite for a boy who's infatuated with her culinary complexities. Soma had no idea the degrading dinners she feeds her demons as she starves herself.
She was losing herself trying to hold her fragile world together. She had no time for herself and no peace to enjoy it even if she did. Every day, she emptied herself out as she tried to restore the pieces of her life.
Nothing for the school or her personal life was going as planned, and the more she thought she fixed, the more she learned what was broken; she's completely given up on perfection. Life is hard in every conceivable way. After all he's done for her, how could she punish Soma like that? How could she love him well when she didn't feel safe in love at all?
She didn't want to hurt him in the process of finding herself, but intentions mean nothing when the pain is already here, and Soma was not handling rejection very well. It's shocking, to say the least. She never thought she'd see him look defeated or cry. Now, she wishes she had stayed away back in November. She should've kept her distance from the very beginning. It would've been better for both of them if he'd never cracked an eggshell, if they'd never met. Strangers forever sounds much better than living knowing she'd broken Soma's heart.
As she watched him take that first heartbroken step towards her door, and towards giving Erina exactly what she asked for, Erina's mind couldn't believe what she was seeing. Soma was actually going to listen to her! To leave her, just like the rest. He wasn't even going to fight her stubbornness like he'd done countless times? She watched his feet start, then stutter in place. He stepped towards her bedroom door, then stopped, and her heart dropped to her stomach.
When Soma said "no" without question, Erina frowned. That was not what she'd expected, but she couldn't ignore how her heart skipped with conflicting emotions—joy, frustration, relief, confusion.
"Excuse me?" was all she could manage without breaking her mean girl facade.
He spun around, and Erina's breath hitched at the sheer intensity of the vulnerability in those heavy, golden eyes. "I said no, Nakiri. I'm not going to leave you alone."
Flustered, she put him in his place. "Soma, this is not up for debate."
But Soma's eyes only grew wider, wild with a passion she felt like she'd crumble under if she stared at him too long. She deigned to look away, to ignore the visceral tugging at her heart from his, but suddenly, he was crouching at the foot of her bed, begging her to reconsider. "Then, tell me why."
She was frustrated. The weight of his gaze was boring into her soul, too much to handle. She crossed her arms, annoyed at herself, but she would pass the blame onto him to save face. To save him from her.
"I don't have to explain myself to you. We're not dating."
"Then, let's start!" He desperately grabbed her hand, and Erina fought to let go. Not because his soft and calloused hands were unwelcome, but because Erina knew, if she allowed Soma to hold onto her any longer, she would never let him go. And he had to go; she could not keep him in her hell.
She had fallen for a madman. "What?! Soma, what are you saying?"
He smiled with that unbearably mischievous grin of his, as if he'd figured out the perfect recipe. "Let's make it official, Nakiri! I want to be your man."
Erina choked on her tearful words. He'd just confessed to her, again, and it was the moment she'd dreamed of for a month, and it was a sweeter sound to her ears than she could've hoped. But the reality, the timing of his confession, left a bitter bile coating her mouth.
A relationship wasn't in the recipe. It'd be reckless to accept his request. Her face soured as she made the responsible choice. For both of them. "No, Soma! I don't want that."
"Why not? I thought we had something special."
She quickly hid her face over her shoulder, her voice empty, tears tumbling down her cheeks at an alarming rate. But she couldn't let him see her like this. She knew Soma. He would see her shaky resolve and push up against it until she finally bent to his will—her desires—but she couldn't be so weak. "You thought incorrectly."
"But I—" His voice cracked; she could feel the twisting in her heart as he spoke desperately through his tears. This was torturing her. "I have feelings for you, Erina! Real feelings that I can no longer hide or deny because I don't want to! I know you feel the same way!"
Erina's waterline sprang with fresh tears, but she steeled them from falling before turning to face him. She'd have to if he were going to believe her. She cleared her throat, her sharp tone matching her now-straight posture. "I don't feel the same."
As Soma searched her face, quivering, with a slick mouth and tearful, questioning eyes, Erina fantasized about the day she could kiss his cheeks and whisper her deepest apology to this boy, this stranger who had swept into her world and changed her life. Until then, she would have to hold her ground.
"I don't believe you."
That did it. He wouldn't get it through his lovesick skull without her being the bitch he knew well. She slid the mask on with practiced ease. "Believe what you want, Yukihira. I don't care. I have much bigger concerns than what you feel or believe! Don't you get it? I will destroy you. I was just having fun. You were fun to have around. A fun distraction, but no one told you to take this seriously."
Every word she spoke was a truth and a lie; a confession of her sins against him and a plea for understanding. The weight of the world had always been on her shoulders. But now she was the director of the very academy she had to enlist his help to snatch back from the grips of her wicked father. Soma knew about only a sliver of a hangnail of what she was going through, the pretenses she had to put up to survive her traumatic life. But he couldn't know more. She would not corrupt his soul like her parents had corrupted hers.
"So, I mean nothing to you? The last two months meant nothing? Hokkaido was just you passing time...using me?" She shrugged, her expression as cold as ice. "Is that why you iced me out the whole time we were on Rabun Island?"
If she were to tell him the truth, would he accept that she was more than meets the eye in the worst way? She groaned and slipped out of bed. No. Soma never accepted things he did not like, and she knew he was furious about how she was behaving. He would seek to change, if not completely stop, whatever was in the way of her happiness. But Soma can't fix childhood trauma. "You're complicating things, Soma. That's why I need space. I need to think. I need to be alone."
But Soma wasn't having that. She knew. "How am I complicating things, Nakiri? I've been nothing but honest and open with you." She headed to her antique vanity and sat down as he argued back, tinkering with the contents in a drawer to distract the feelings knotting in her chest. Erina didn't mean to glance at the center mirror, but she did. Her breath hitched at the broken look on Soma's face.
Mirror, Mirror
On the wall,
Who's the biggest bitch
Of all?
"I've been direct, Nakiri. I've been vulnerable. Hell, I even saved this school for..." He bit his tongue, but she knew exactly what he wanted to say. It was all for her. Everything he'd done since November was for her. For her to cry, vent, feel safe, supported, and protected. To know that she is loved. "You know what? Forget it!" He groaned into his hands.
Her guilt mocked her, and her shame coiled tightly around her pride. "No, no! Don't stop now, Mr. Savior's Complex! Go on and finish what you were saying," she pressed. There was no going back now.
Soma's head sank, his voice frail, realizing he'd flown too close to the sun. "I didn't mean it like that."
Erina abruptly pushed her chair back. The solid wood scraped against her sheepskin rug as she got up to bite his head off. "Then, what did you mean? Because you being a horny teenager nearly cost me everything! Our friends were expelled because of you," she screamed. Soma gasped. His face screwed in disbelief. The silence between them was stifling.
"What's that supposed to mean? I've been nothing but there for you, Erina! I've never betrayed you. Not once!"
"You dismissed the importance of my morning roundup meeting, and it cost us those two weeks of preparations! You completely disregarded all my hard work because you were distracted! You distracted me when our futures were on the line!"
Soma let out a heavy sigh. So, this was what turned her heart to stone. The sudden realization made his shoulders shudder. "Why didn't you tell me this then? Instead of flirting with Tsukasa in my face for a whole week?"
"Why do you think, idiot?"
Soma slid down the wall and buried his head in his lap. He was heaving to keep from crying. "I don't want to leave you. I fought so hard for the past two months to make sure you weren't alone. Yes, okay, I get that I distracted you that morning, just like you always distract me. But you also help me focus!" Erina couldn't believe she was making Soma cry. It neither looked nor sounded right. "You give me a reason to sharpen my cooking skills and care about something other than just cooking. I care about you, Erina. You can't tell me you don't feel the same about me, too! I've seen you grow and become an entirely different person around me and my friends."
He looked up at her, tears welling in his eyes. "We've told each other things that we swore we'd never tell anyone else. I wasn't lying to you then, and I'm not lying to you now. I know you weren't either. So why are you lying to yourself now?" Soma saw tears tumbling down her face, but couldn't bear the sight of them if he couldn't wipe them away. She wanted him to wipe them away, but she wouldn't ask him to grace her with such kindness as she broke his heart. Hers were shattered to pieces, and Erina sincerely hoped he could see what she couldn't say. That he could see her tears as silent apologies, because that's what they were. Rivers of quiet grief over what could've been if she wasn't so fucked up and afraid.
Even though it felt good to know she wasn't heartless, it didn't feel right to Soma to witness her crying and do nothing.
His eyes stung and his heart ached, but his feelings were unmistakable. He shakily brought his thumb to her cheek and wiped the tears from her face. She could hear it in his voice's shaking and the rumbling in his chest as he spoke to her in whispers. She stared at him as he focused on his lap and whispered the thoughts that had repeated countless times in both their minds since that night.
"Remember how we bonded in my room over growing up as only children? How tired we were of being by ourselves, wishing we had siblings to grow up with. You told me on the train that you were sick of being left alone as a little girl, wondering, hoping to find a friend who made you feel less lonely than when your parents were gone or away, how you hated that they always left you to fend for yourself because it made you feel abandoned and unloved. I thought we agreed we were tired of being alone."
Soma stood up to leave. Erina noticed the fat tears threatening to spill from his eyes and the way his whole body looked heavy from the weight of their conversation, though his body is lithe. It had been a heavy night, and both of them looked emotionally spent. Still, Soma spoke his truth. "But do you know what I've never said to another soul?" He slid into his dress shirt and shoes and took her silence as an answer. "Leave me alone."
"So?" Erina snarked, nervously watching him finish dressing, wishing she could access the part of her screaming and begging for him to stay to take center stage.
"So?!" His chuckle was sarcastic, biting. Soma didn't know where the sudden defiance came from, but he still walked across her bedroom and closer to the door. "That's all you have to say?"
"Yes, Yukihira. Why do you keep begging me for more?" She tried desperately to hide the storm of emotions raging through her, but Soma could hear her resolve shaking. "I already told you-"
Soma broke down. Stressed veins bulged at his temples. "Because I know you want more, Erina! Stop pretending like you don't. Stop acting like you don't feel the same way. I know you do!" He took decisive steps towards her, clearing the physical and emotional distance that had been pulling them apart. Soma softly called her name. "I don't want to keep playing this cat-and-mouse game with you. I want to be with you. So, just tell me the truth. Aren't you sick of feeling lonely?" Erina blinked, and her lips disappeared into a thin, hard line. "Well?" He demanded.
Erina took a step back. Her voice was even-keeled. "I'm not pretending, Soma. I'm simply not looking for anything serious right now. I have too much to focus on and I can't afford to be distracted by a childish crush. I'm the director of this academy now, and that matters more than the fear of being alone. You don't get it because you're a man." His golden eyes pierced through her stoic façade with unsettling accuracy. Erina squirmed, but her mind was too afraid to sway, lest her now noodling legs give way under her.
"You're lying."
She scoffed, "Am I?" Her eyes shadowed as she crossed her arms. His eyes flitted to her bottom lip's slight tremble as his shallow exhale lightly brushed against her lips with his warm breath. Soma hugged her and read her mind before speaking calmly.
"Yes, you are." His irises liquified into glittery pools of molten gold. They stared at each other, his toned left arm wrapped around her slim waist, her bosom pressed firmly against his broad chest, his right hand delicately brushing the wisps of her golden threaded flyaways from entangling with her long-winged eyelashes. Soma noticed Erina's cheeks taking on a dusty pink blush and noted the light pink glow of her deep purple eyes. She looked unsure, scared, even. Softer than life had forced her to become.
Of course, it wouldn't be that easy. When has any moment in their story been simple, or easy to let go? She collapsed into his warm, snug hold and melted into his smoldering gaze. Erina shuddered at the sensation and drew herself closer to him. He inclined his head to her quivering lips. She wanted to kiss him. He wanted to kiss her. For all the times they both played dumb with each other, arguing, resisting, fighting, chasing, he knew they both wanted the same thing.
"Erina, I love you. I'm in love with you so much that it's driving me crazy! I'm not asking you to love me, but I know you like me, too." Soma leaned his head closer into her face, eyes reading her face for implicit permission before he explicitly asked. "Am I wrong?" He waited.
He kissed her like it would save him from death. She kissed him back like it was killing her to let him go. Because it was.
But Erina couldn't admit the truth to either one of them.
𓍯𓂃𓏧
It had all been too much, too soon. Soma's lips were just doing the same thing to me that Hisako was. His tongue was just licking and teasing my warm folds, my heartbeat had just been erratically beating against my breast, matching my heart's rhythm as our lips locked and our tongues danced. His hands held my cheeks just like this as his body pressed into mine like he was determined to fuse us together, body and soul. And now my hands are grabbing onto Hisako's hair for dear life.
These thoughts overwhelm me as Hisako's lips explore my neck and shoulders with diligent, graceful licks and kisses, and I just want to get rid of them all.
I push her off and switch positions, bunching up the satin fabric of her evening dress and bracketing her thighs between mine. I hook an index finger on the hem of her lace waistband, but only teasingly, and reclaim her lips more intensely. If I can just keep my focus on how good it feels to do what I want with her right now, I can forget about how shitty I feel about everything else I need to do, and what needed to be done with him.
"You're so sweet to me, Hisako," I breathed as I rolled my hips against her softness. Too good. Too kind. I don't deserve you," I apologized between kisses.
While Hisako distracts me, it's so easy to pretend like I'm high or drunk and slip under her as she coaxes pleasure out of me. But I'm not as aroused as I thought I'd be—I don't want anyone else's kisses and touches but from Soma, it seems.
"Not true. It is an honor to be kind to you," she whispered in my ear with conviction, and I couldn't help but believe her as her mouth met mine. This should feel as forbidden as it is, but I feel nothing until Hisako says, "I could never be too good for you, Erina-sama."
Something about how she said that, like she couldn't help but believe herself, jolted me out of my selfishness.
Guilt torments my mind with shame and insight. I struggle to focus on my present pleasure and forget about my past sorrows. Yet, whenever I attempt to detach from the last three hours of my life, the crushing realization of losing Soma floods back, overwhelming me. When he walked out of my room... did that mean he walked out of my life, too?
The possibility makes me fall apart. "Oh, fuck," I choke on a thick sob into Hisako's mouth. It's humiliating, and I'm embarrassed, but I cannot stop crying. Each soft touch and gentle caress of Hisako's lips and fingers reminded me of Soma's firm and hard kisses that demanded my attention before melting me down like warmed honey. I miss those kisses already, but I would never admit this to a soul that I won't be able to handle never kissing him again.
"We should stop." I release my lips from the suckling tug she has on them and turn my head toward my shoulder. The guilt is suffocating. "Please," I repeat when Hisako doesn't move. "I... I'm no longer in the mood," I whine, my cheeks tinting red with embarrassment. Hisako's large eyes narrowed as she scrutinized my face for the truth, but it was pointless to lie, whether she believed me or not. Her clinical expression softens into a small, understanding, and even disappointed smile as she kisses the hollow between my ear and neck.
"Then let's tuck you in, Pillow Princess," Hisako patiently teases, helping me under my covers. My best friend is dutiful to a fault. "You've had a very long day," she says with such understanding that I almost feel guilty for emotionally using her. I pull her back down by her arms.
She glances at me with an amused yet confused expression. "Erina-sama…" she softly whines, her tone laced with hope. "You're sending me mixed signals…again," she points out, though not upset or fighting against me. My heart clenches with an emotion I don't feel like unpacking, but I remember promising her I'd do better. But I can't let her go. Her body trembles under my delicate touch, and the fight behind her eyes to conceal her yearning for more intimacy. But Hisako won't push. She never does.
"Don't go," I whimper, hoping she won't be disappointed that that's all I want. I pull her in close into my bosom, nestling her head in my cleavage. "Can we just lie here? I just need your presence. I still crave your comfort. I still want to be held by you." And I love you too much to be heartless. She's done anything wrong.
Hisako lets out a deep sigh. "We can do whatever you want, Erina." She caves without any resistance, her submission barely a full breath. Her face softens as she lets me get my way, though I could not explain to her how much my heart felt unmoored by the possibility of heartbreak over Soma. Like, what am I supposed to say?
"My sweet Hisako, be my emotional support animal while I get over this heartbreak of the boy you told me I'd fall for if I weren't careful, okay? Thanks, you're such a good girl!"
No. It's already traumatizing having to return to acting like Soma and I have no history and are just rivals turned colleagues, while seeing his stupid face every day on campus after winter break, hanging with his friends would shatter me. I just knew it would—when her loving presence was pressing into my side, where she always was, to soothe me.
My eyes water, and I bury my head in her shoulder, awkward and feeling exposed. "Just hold me?"
"Sure, Erina-sama," she kindly agrees.
I growl at her using that damn honorific again. I didn't want to deal with that, so I shrugged my arm out of her grip, picked myself up, and stumbled, half-crawling, to my chaise, tears streaming down my face. "I told you to stop calling me that!" I snapped through a snotty nose. I didn't mean to be so moody, especially at Christmas, but it was like gas and flames interacting and imploding within me. I just wanted the pain to stop. I dropped my voice to the ground, sounding like the bratty little girl Hisako met ten years ago. "We're best friends. Just 'Erina' is fine," I forced out. I closed my eyes to keep the stinging tears at bay. "Just be my friend."
"My apologies…Erina," she quietly said, leaving my purview. You're trembling and look pale again," Hisako calmly informed me. I'll brew you some tea to help you sleep." When Hisako returned with the cup of tea, she placed a cool, wet towel on my forehead. Hisako was so good to me. Sometimes, she's too good to me.
(Just like he's too good for you.)
"I can spend the night if you would like?"
"No, just forget about it. I'll be fine," I snapped more than I meant to. She flinches back. I clear my throat, dripping with apologies. "Sorry. I'm fine, Hisako. Truly. There's no need to worry."
"...Are you sure?" Her worried expression and compassionate medical gaze said she didn't believe a word I said, which was understandable because I've never felt worse, so I'm sure I looked even worse. She held me up and guided me to sit down. I reclined, exhausted.
Am I sure? I scoff. Hisako's caring face came into my eyeline. I looked into those warm, plum irises, my eyes watering in appreciation for how she's always taken such good care of me, and there she was, fretting over my welfare even when I didn't deserve her love.
"No," my voice wavers on a sob. "But, I will be." My chest heaves out uneven breaths. It wouldn't have ended well if I had let Soma in, and he had fallen in love with me. He said he already has but I don't believe he knows what love is, and my My ugly heart would've devoured all the beauty in his radiant, innocent soul if I'd allowed him any more room in my life than he'd already encroached upon. I would only be replicating the dynamic I have with Hisako.
Soma Yukihira, the soft-hearted, kind-natured, daring trickster who shamed and shunned the devil in my life, I would harden his softness, ruin his goodness, and corrupt his pure soul. Maybe not right away, but eventually, I'd suck the light and joy out of those sunny, golden eyes. I would shatter all sense of love and trust in his too-big, too-accepting heart. It was in my nature to do such things to good people. It's what I did to Mama. It's what Father told me.
So, I had to let him go. If not, I would certainly ruin Soma Yukihira for the next girl.
Though I want nothing more than to be the selfish brat I was raised to be, to make him mine, to claim him like a treasured toy so that no other girl at Tōtsuki or in the world could ever dare try to play with what is mine.
(But—)
But he means too much to me now, and I couldn't live with a brokenhearted Soma Yukihira heavy on my conscience.
So, that was it! I could be the villain. It's in my blood. But to have his villain origin story traced back to me? Absolutely not. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if he lost himself because of the real me. I know myself. What I'm capable of. He hadn't seen the worst version yet. But my needs and idiosyncrasies would wear him down and become too overwhelming for him until he inevitably broke. Just as I had done to Mother. Just as my Father said. Soma's never known dysfunctional relationships. If he were to be with me, I would slowly dim and then snuff out his fire. His dazzling starlight would be overshadowed by my cold dissociation. I refused to risk damning him to such a fate. Because Soma was the sun during my darkest season.
Soma became the light in my darkness. When I stood in his presence, my dark shadows and cloudy days vanished.
But, if we'd gotten any closer…
Fuck, Soma! Why do I feel this way?!
(Because you love him.)
UGH! So, is this burning, churning sensation in my chest, this grinding and wrenching tightness of my heartbreak? More tears rolled down my face, threatening to turn into sobbing waves. I didn't want Hisako to see me falling apart over Soma. The one person I swore to her I'd never fall for. I turned my head into the backrest. I groan softly into my palms.
My body feels like it has broken every bone and snapped every nerve ending inside. It did not feel like this when I ended things with Eishi. If anything, it felt like a boulder lifted off my shoulders.
The realization that I may have messed up confused me. I don't mess up. All my decisions are sound, but a serious mistake had been made— even after all the dust from my family and academy drama for the past three months settled, and I'd scrounged my way out of both levels of hell, I'd remained the same emotionally stunted girl who started my first year in high school. My life was in shambles, and I'm over here crying over letting a silly boy go. But Soma couldn't stomach the world I exist in. His outlook on life is wholesome, unmarred by the bloody business that has grown up within these ivory halls, which squeeze out the innocence and light with every student talented enough to stay. I can barely cope, and it's the only life I know.
"Erina, you're giving me nothing, so I'm going to call Alice."
I cracked an eyelid and saw Hisako inspecting my frown lines. Face reading. I swear, I'm her favorite patient. "If you do, I will not come to Christmas," I pout like the rich brat I am. Her face dropped, a mixed whimper of shock and hurt gasping out of her mouth. I wasn't proud of manipulating her like this, I promise, but my privacy was all left in my control.
(But, yes, if you must know, she does feel like shit for that.)
"Is this a secret family matter, confidential Tōtsuki business, or… Erina, is your eating disorder back? I can get Dr. Yamamoto on the phone right away," Hisako carefully asked, her serene voice edged with genuine concern.
Her eyes drift to the hoodie covering my naked body. "...Soma?" She whispered his name like it was a curse upon her lip, anxiously as if she still wasn't sure she wanted to utter it, and I couldn't help but catch the twinge of hope wishing to be wrong.
Unfortunately, I puked all over the floor at the mention of his name. And though I knew all along that she'd guess correctly eventually because Hisako knows me too well, it still punched me in the gut. I cleared my throat and averted my gaze, and still lied.
"None of the above," I muttered weakly. Still, as I looked down at the trail of spitty vomit sliding across the hoodie's emblem, wrinkled as if to call me out, I knew Hisako's expression would be broken.
Hisako walks a wide berth around my room to avoid my bile as she collects cleaning supplies from under my bathroom sink. I didn't know I had cleaning supplies under my sink in the bathroom. When she returns and starts cleaning up my mess of gooey bile, she comes with a persistence that makes her a great secretary, asking a barrage of questions with the same amount of caution as I finally collapse onto my cool, soft bed.
As she began diligently cleaning my bile while patiently awaiting an answer on the one topic I never want to discuss with her. She blotted the stains out of the rug like it was no big deal, cleaning yet another mess I've made of things. "You're lying to me," she quietly noted. It was not an accusation. It was an observation. Hisako was simply stating a fact.
"I am," I softly admit. I roll further into a ball on my chaise. The knotting tension in my stomach loosens, but only just a little. Of course, she knew I was lying. She could see through every mask I wore, and it was wearing on her.
"You've been doing that a lot lately, just so you know." Hisako's tone is schooled with deference, but an edge of frustration grazes my awareness. "You don't have to tell me why, but you should know that you're bad at it. I won't pester you about it, but stop lying to me. It's hurtful and offensive to our friendship, Erina."
Her sharp tone on my name made me curl into myself even tighter. I wasn't trying to fool either of us into believing I was doing a great job hiding my secrets from my best friend. But the truth would hurt everyone involved. She sprayed down the rug with a deodorizer.
I snap my head to the rug. "Hisako, stop that! A housekeeper will detail it after the holiday. That's what Grandfather is paying them for." She glances at my stern face, submission overwhelming hers. Hisako stops scrubbing.
But she finally loses her shit and it's all my fault. "Seriously, Erina! What happened between you and Soma? I know you're like this because of him! Soma looked distraught leaving here! Soma Yukihira was in your bedroom!" The anger and resentment rollerbladed off her sharp tongue like it hadn't just been soothingly licking my pussy and my neck mere minutes ago.
But I can't even register Hisako's annoyance. Just hearing his name twisted my stomach in knots. I buried my face deeper into my pillow, embarrassed and exposed by the bitterness in her tone. "It's always because of him. And you've been very snappy since we returned from Rabun Island," she said in an accusing huff.
Then her breath is on my neck. "What did he do?" She held back her anger as her warm voice tickled the shell of my ear.
"Nothing," I mumble and lightly shrug her off. "Just drop it, okay?"
"But, Erina, I'M YOU'RE BEST FRIEND. You can talk to me!" Hisako begged, just as Soma begged, but I have no fight left to give anyone, even myself.
"I know, Hisako. I'm just not ready to, alright? I just…wish to be left alone." I sniveled the snot threatening to run down my nose. "And I'm sorry for being such a bitch to you lately."
Hisako sighs, rolling her eyes, hesitating for only a breath before rubbing my back. "You haven't been a bitch, Erina," she reassures me in a tight tone. "Just cranky." She stands up and gives me a once-over that threatens to beg that she stay with me. I shake my head and watch Hisako's shoulders sag in sad acceptance. "Okay. I'll be back at seven to escort you, Alice, and Ryo to my family home for Christmas breakfast. Take care until then. And please, try to get some sleep. Merry Christmas, Erina. I love you."
Hisako kisses my cheek, and her lips linger for a second too long, making it anything but chaste and void of deeper emotion. I can feel her soft breath brushing against my flushed skin, but I cannot reciprocate her warmth. My eyes remained shut as my door quietly closed, shutting out love for the second time in two hours.
The mask cracked inside me, and my tears washed away the jagged pieces of my heart. I fall asleep on my chaise, sobbing, feeling like the worst friend—no, person alive. My last sapped, brokenhearted thought before slipping under affirms that I am.
(Erina Nakiri, you are hard to love.)
