...I'm BAAAAAAAACK! Woo it is GOOD to be back! Super sorry I took so long, but there's been lots of stuff going on irl (finals, finishing my M.A. and more) and I have lots of stuff to work on! So, no more stalling now, warnings and in we go (In case you can't tell from the title, I woke up and chose violence for this one)! Warnings for the chapter: Child abuse, references to self-harm, slight suicidal thoughts.
Chapter 3: The violence you try so hard to ignore
One year later...
"Again!" Master Xehanort called out at Ventus.
"Ha!" Who instantly threw his keyblade towards a newly spawned dark creature, only for it to avoid his hit as the weapon returned to him.
"Focus on your target, don't slip! Again!"
"Hah! Ha!"
"More ferocity! Again!"
"Haaah!"
"Don't hold back! Again!"
...!
"Again!"
...
"Again!"
...
"Again!"
...
"Again!"
...
...
...
Ventus dropped to his knees, gasping for air. His whole body aching from exhaustion, his hand barely able to hold his keyblade, whose weight felt unbearable.
But he had to keep his hold firm. He had to keep going. Again. Again...
...!
He barely managed to dodge roll out of the way, as a tall creature of darkness lunged at him, the wind of its claws going by his back, sending chills all over his body. But as quickly as it came, that rush of adrenaline was gone and even though he knew he had to move, to take advantage of the opening and attack the creature...
He stayed still, his body unable to obey.
Which the creature obviously realized quickly and rushed towards him again.
He brought his keyblade before him to guard himself from its hits, stumbling on his feet at the same time, barely keeping himself from falling. And with every step, it was becoming more and more difficult, his feet struggling to find the ground every second they had to move, barely putting any distance between him and the creature.
And every time they did, it just kept closing it again and again, its claws tearing at the blade, at Ventus' flesh, filling his arms with scratch marks, as it kept trying to reach for his chest, his heart.
Until the boy's back hit a wall, after violently breaking away from the creature.
He saw it rush over to him again, still as fast and violent as if it wasn't drained at all by their 'fight'. And this time all he could do was cover his eyes and scream in fear.
...!
...
...
What...?
He slowly removed his arm from his eyes to see Master Xehanort's hunched silhouette standing before him, keyblade in hand. And looking up, he saw his golden eye staring down at him.
He wanted to look away from his Master. Ashamed of his failure, afraid all over again. Of what he would say (or do) to him.
But he was frozen. Paralyzed by fear, or the pain that finally caught up to him now that all the adrenaline wore off, or by both.
"If this was a real fight, you wouldn't be alive right now." Master Xehanort said, slowly turning around to fully face him. His eyebrows narrowed in a disappointed scowl. "You may have summoned a keyblade, but you still don't know how to use it. You're still holding yourself back, instead of pushing yourself like your brother has been and he has yet to gain a keyblade of his own."
Ventus bowed his head without a word, struggling to hold back the tears burning his eyes. He couldn't show any weakness in front of his Master, at least not any more than he already did...
"Get up."
...!
The boy felt his heart drop hearing those words. The Master gave him an order. And a simple one. He had to obey. He had to get up (He had to keep it together). But...
"...I-I can't..." He breathed, stumbling at his feet and dropping to the ground, after barely managing to lift himself from it. His words shaking, instantly followed by a series of quiet, rapid breaths he couldn't control, as he tried to brace himself for whatever was to come (and keep those tears at bay...).
And no matter how hard he tried, it only seemed to get worse when he heard steps coming his way. When he saw Master Xehanort's black boots in front of him.
...!
...!
He leaned towards Ventus, taking inside his hand (with maybe a little too much force) the boy's face and lifting it up to face him.
Ventus immediately tensed up at the touch and even more so when he saw his Master's face.
He expected disappointment, contempt, even rage after that performance and after failing to do this one simple thing. But that cold, unreadable gaze staring him down, piercing through his soul, unclear about what it was thinking...
It was a thousand times worse. And this hand, holding his face... forcing him to look up, tight and firm and... relaxing?
And then slowly moving to his cheek, gently cupping it...
Ventus let out a breath that he just now realized he had been holding, a few tears escaping with it. And he found himself closing his eyes, leaning into the touch. Into this rare, unexpected gentleness, the comfort it carried...
But, like every other time, it was over too soon.
"Maybe that's enough for today." Mater Xehanort said and withdrew his hand. He picked up Ventus' keyblade from the ground, holding its handle out in front of him, wordlessly asking him to take it.
...Right.
Ventus raised his (slightly trembling) hand to take his weapon, looking at it. Only at it. Not at the Master's face, not at his hand...
"Have you been practising your magic?" He asked the boy.
"Yes." Ventus forced himself to answer as he wiped his eyes, still keeping his head low.
But then Master Xehanort stood up, making him look up in surprise. "Then I suppose you should be able to heal yourself and return to Vanitas." He said, turning his back on him, opening a dark corridor.
"B-But Master!" The boy called out, trying to stand up, ready to ran after his Master, only to fall to the ground the next second. "Master, wai-"
"You want to redeem yourself after your performance today? Prove to me you are really worthy of your keyblade and your role in our mission?" He spat, without turning to face the boy, making him flinch. "You will heal yourself using your own magic and return on your own. You need to learn to count on yourself, boy, otherwise you'll never be ready to forge the χ-blade. And besides, I won't always be there to protect you."
Before Ventus could say anything, his Master vanished into the corridor, which faded away the next second.
And he was all alone.
In a wasteland far from the base.
Too exhausted (too hurt) to move.
And too weak to use magic of his own...
...
No. No, he couldn't think like that! He could do this! He would do this! (He had to...)
Tightening his grip on his keyblade, he took a deep breath as he lifted it up towards the sky, thinking of the pain coursing through his body, thinking how badly he wanted it to be gone and called out:
"Heal!"
...
But nothing happened.
Again.
"Heal!" He called out louder, raising his keyblade again, trying to focus.
But again nothing...
"Heal!"
Again.
"Heal!"
Again!
"Heal! Heal! Please HEAL!" He screamed again and again and agai-
"AAAAAAAAHHH!"
...!
...!
He hated that word! He hated both those words! He hated how loud they were in his head! He hated his head for constantly yelling them! He hated his body for how much it hurt! He hated himself and how weak he was to use his stupid keyblade to kill those stupid creatures or to do this stupid spell to heal his stupid body!
He was useless! Weak, stupid and useless!
Maybe he should just stay there! Waste away in this wasteland and put this stupid keyblade that he couldn't even use in the ground, to gather dust along with all the other rusty ones! It was already being wasted on him anyway!
Vanitas was the one who should've gotten it! He wanted it more, Ventus knew it! He could see it in his eyes every time he looked it! He could hear it in his voice every time they discussed his seperate training sessions! He could tell from all the keyblades he was drawing on his wall next to his lying ground, trying to imagine how his would look like...
And he was always drawing them by himself, never wanting to even talk about them. And the monsters had gotten worse. He didn't want to talk about them either. But they were showing up more often and it was harder to make them go away. Ventus had to fight them off sometimes. Vanitas kept apologizing, crying from the pain, running off a lot, calling himself...
...
He would be left by himself. If Ventus was to disappear... his brother would be all by himself here. With the monsters and the Master... who was not doing anything about them.
And their mission...! Without him, how would the χ-blade be forged? How would Vanitas get out of this and have a better life? How would the real light come back to the worlds?
...
...
No. There was too much on the line. He had to make this work! He would make this work!
He wiped his eyes, stabbing his keyblade to the ground and using it for support to hoist himself up.
He only managed to sit up, his leg starting to shake the moment he tried putting weight on it to stand.
It would do. At least he wasn't entirely down.
He tore his keyblade from the ground and pointed it up again, his eyes closed, his hand shaking as well, struggling to hold the weapon up.
"Heal!" He called out once again, only for nothing to happen.
Again...!
"Heal!"
Again!
"HEAL!"
AGAIN!
"HEAL!"
No.
No.
No!
Vanitas kicked the stones away, watching as they drifted off.
Finding those stones for scribbling was really a lot harder than he thought. Had they used them all up or something?
They probably had, there were hardly any empty spots in their base's walls anymore (at least around their height, they couldn't run on walls (yet)). Especially the one next to his lying ground. He had been drawing a lot lately, especially... But it wasn't like he had much else to do.
He was training as much as he always had been, and more, he had a lot of catching up to do, after all (...).
But doing it alone, it just wasn't the same and when he did it for too long... He was being left alone a lot lately. Since Ventus was going away quite often for the past year...
Master Xehanort would take each of them for one-on-one training sessions before that as well. But after Ventus got his... keyblade, those sessions increased.
He would take his brother to teach him more stuff about how to use his keyblade and sometimes they'd be gone for more than a day. Ventus would always tell him about his lessons and sometimes show him what the Master was teaching him.
And Vanitas listened. He always listened. He always watched and took in every movement, every explanation, and he always tried them himself. Both when he was on his own and with Ventus. But it would probably be different if he was using a keyblade instead of a stupid wooden sword...
If he was there learning with Ventus and they could spar like they used to, without thinking about how foreign and off it felt seeing his brother with a weapon. Whether that was a wooden sword he didn't need anymore and was only using for his sake, or this... this...!
This stupid tiny keyblade that just randomly decided to show up in his hand because he wanted to touch a star or something!
Why was it so easy for Ventus? Why can't I do it?
I tried it too, it hasn't worked for me!
Why won't it work?! What am I doing wrong?! What do I have to do to get a keyblade too?!
...!
Vanitas dropped to his knees, his chest feeling heavy, his insides bubbling, burning as a scream was climbing from them upwards, barely held back by gritted teeth, threatening to come out with every rapid, loud breath.
Every breath that felt more painful and empty than the last. That felt less and less like his own.
And all around him... he could hear them. See them.
The monsters coming back.
Blue creatures with nervous, frantic movements, some of them bigger than most times, but all of them staring at him almost expectantly with those red eyes. Coming closer. Their voices (his voice) getting louder.
Why are they here again?!
I don't want them here!
I want my brother!
I want Ventus!
Where's Ventus?!
Why can't he be here?!
Why did he leave me?!
"Go away! GO AWAY!" Vanitas screamed, punching one of the monsters.
He felt it too. The punch, the pain, but he didn't care. He never cared. Why would he care? He was already useless, he was already weak! He couldn't get lower than that!
The monsters kept coming closer. All of them were too close... All of them were too loud, too big...!
So he did it again. And again and again! He just kept punching, pushing, shoving them away, but nothing seemed to make them go away. They just kept coming closer, and more of them too, with every hit, with every time he found himself kneeling or dropping to the ground from the pain.
...!
...!
"I said GO! AWAY!"
And it was finally out.
That bloodcurdling scream, finally breaking free from his throat. Exploding and spreading everywhere, like all the flames from around him, raining down on the remaining monsters, as Vanitas landed back to the ground.
Breathless, frantic, feeling his skin burning beneath his battlesuit.
It hurts... It hurts...
But the monsters are gone.
...I... I did that?
He stared down at his shaking hands, almost instictively. But certainly expectantly.
He clenched his fists, trying to ignore the pain, to get his breathing to calm down, to make this shaking stop...!
But...
Nothing...! Of course...!
Of course!
Why would it work?!
Why did I think it would work?!
Why do I still try?!
"WHY WON'T IT WORK?!" He yelled at the sky, as if he would get an answer.
But really, he just wanted to drown that feeling down. To at least try to ignore the creatures appearing this time. To let his words carry away his breaking breath, instead of feeling it all over again!
But it was still so strong. It still felt heavy, it still felt all kinds of wrong and it only got worse when he turned to see the monsters again.
And this time he didn't waste any time.
He threw them a fireball before even turning to them fully. And more of it followed. Shperes of fire, some of them breaking into three seperate ones. Jolts of lightning. Blasts of ice.
Every spell he knew, he kept sending it to them to everything around him, it didn't matter where. Because every time he destroyed one of the monsters, two more showed up in its place.
But that didn't stop him. Nothing would!
Except...
...
He dropped to his knees again. The pain suddenly felt too much... his vision getting blurry... his cheeks wet...
The monsters were still coming... Like... like vultures hovering over him... waiting until his eyes were closed...
But he... He wouldn't do them the favor...! He could go on...! He would! He-
...
Was that...?
His gaze drifted upwards, catching sight of...
Master Xehanort?
For a second he was sure it was a hallucination from the pain. But he really was there. Standing on top of a nearby mountain. Staring down at him...! Perfectly calm-no... smiling...!
He was right there... watching him tear the monsters, tear himself apart... and he was smiling! Even while he could see him fallen on the ground, barely able to move...!
...!
...!
Why is the Master here?
Why isn't Ventus with him?
Where is Ventus?!
Why isn't he doing anything?!
Is it because I don't have a keyblade like Ventus?!
Does he think I'm that useless?!
Is he waiting for the monsters to finish me off?!
...!
...!
"Stop... Stop...! STOP!"
...!
...!
He screamed again just like before. But he couldn't jump up like he did before and he could only conjure three spheres of fire.
He could hardly make himself sit up anymore, or swallow the pain or ignore the voices. His own voice, louder than any of them.
It hurts!
It hurts!
I hate it!
I hate the monsters!
And I hate this place!
And I hate the Master!
I hate him!
I HATE HIM!
I want to get out of here!
I want this to stop!
I want my brother back!
I want to never see the Master or those monsters again!
I-
...!
...!
...
Vanitas couldn't breathe.
For a second he thought he was dead, the monsters finally deciding to jump and tear at him, or the Master deciding to put him out of his misery. But he still felt it all. All the pain, the exhaustion and that weight in his hand-
What?
Finally drawing in a breath, he forced himself to sit up,sheathing into the ground for support...
"A keyblade...!" He breathed, staring in disbelief at the weapon in his hand. Pulling it out of the ground to see it fully.
It was big, in the colors of his battlesuit, red and black. Chains wrapped around it and near the edge of the blade was etched a blue eye, like the one on the Master's keyblade.
And it was his...! His!
And suddenly the pain didn't matter. Neither did the monsters that remained around him. He just stared at his keyblade with a big smile, as if it was the only thing that mattered in this world and at that moment it might as well be!
He finally did it!
He finally had a chance! To be equal to Ventus! To get out of this wasteland! To fulfill his purpose!
...
Now he just had to train more. And he seemed to have some targets left. The Master was still there too.
Time to see what this can do!
...
...
...
"Heal!"
... Taking in a slow breath, Vanitas cracked his eyes open to see a familiar silhouette hovering above him. His whole body feeling lighter as he exhaled and his suuroundings becoming clearer as he blinked up at-
"Vanitas!" Ventus. Who wrapped his arms around him, the moment he tried to sit up, almost knocking him back down. "You're awake, it worked! You're okay!"
"I was, before you started smothering me. Get off." Vanitas grumbled in a low voice.
"Oh, sorry." His brother apologized as he pulled away and let him take a breath. And sit up. And actually take in his surroundings.
Which were very very dark. With a few stars sprinkled up at the sky-
Wait, what?
"It's night already? What happened?" He wondered aloud, before turning back to Ventus, just as he lowered his keyblade.
What was that about?
"I, uh... I had to work on my magic today, so it took me a while to get back. I'm not as good as you, you know that." He explained, as the keyblade vanished in a flash of light. His eyes wandering around the ground, avoiding to look at him, and his voice just as distant. But soon he turned back to him. "I arrived here just a few minutes ago and found you unconcious on the ground. You really scared me."
Vanitas looked away from his brother's concerned (pitying) gaze. And before he could say anything, Ventus carried on.
"What happened to you? Did the monsters come back?"
He nodded, slowly turning to face him but once again...
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't there this time! I tried to get back as fast as I could, I promise, I did! But..." Ventus just went on. And he just kept going. With apologies and promises and how hard it was for him to cast a spell and how bad he was at magic and how hard and long it was and how he tried and he wouldn't...
...!
...!
...
The sudden silence fell between them like a bomb. Loud. Defeaning. Devastating.
And the two boys were left staring at each other. Both in disbelief. As if neither really understood what happened.
Why Ventus was holding his cheek.
Why Vanitas' hand was raised.
"Did you just... slap me?" The blond boy managed to ask, confused more than anything else.
"I... I-I don't know!" Vanitas answered, his tone the same as his brother's, if a little defensive. "You were freaking out! And it was freaking me out! And you just wouldn't stop and I wanted you to stop because you were being stupid and I have big news!"
"News? What news?" At this, he scooted over closer, his eyes widened in interest.
I guess we're forgetting this now.
Okay. Good. Good!
Vanitas smirked, but he could feel his heart beating out of his chest as he reached out his arm and held out his hand. And just a second later, in a flash of blue flames his keyblade appeared inside his fist.
"WHOA!" Ventus exclaimed, staring at the weapon in awe, while his brother's smirk grew wider (and his heartbeat slowed down to normal).
"Cool right?"
"Are you kidding?! That's the coolest!" He lunged at him once again, wrapping his arms around him with the biggest smile. "You got a keyblade too! We both finally have keyblades! We can ask the Master to leave!"
"All right, maybe slow down there a little." His brother said, as he pulled away, dropping his smirk for a moment. "We still need to get stronger before we do that. Your words, not mine."
"Oh. Right..." He almost forgot about it... They both had much to learn yet (if today was an indication...). But it wouldn't be too long. And now they'd get to train like they used to. The private sessions would go back to normal. Today wouldn't happen again. They'd be okay. it would be all okay. "But, now that we'll be training like we used to, don't expect me to go easy on you!"
Vanitas laughed, before looking up at the sky. "I never do, Ventus. You know that."
And for a while they stayed there.
Looking at the few stars the could see in this almost empty sky. It would do for now. And pretty soon they'd see them up close.
And this it for now! Hope it was worth waiting for! Please leave a review if you liked it (with all the stupid bots here they are more than needed). See you later! Bye for now! :)
