Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or TTs for that matter
So, is this story going to be remotely serious, fuck no. It's just a bunch of crack humor that is hopefully able to amuse at least a few people. Honestly, like the summary already says, I even feel kinda bad for writing this but I just love the whole joke too much to let it completely go.
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(Hogwarts, fourth-year dormitory, shortly before the train arrives)
The fourth-year had not gone well for Harry. Not only had the School turned against him, once again but also Voldemort had returned. And not only that, he had also killed Cedric Diggory, his friend. He was such a... such a... he heard people say he was nice... probably. He spoke to him like 4 times in his life, how the hell was he supposed to know? But dammit if he wasn't sad about his friend's death. He wished he could make all his problems just disappear, and most ironically they did, just not in the way Harry would have hoped. Without any sign that could lead to where he had gone, Harry Potter had disappeared.
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(Hogwarts, Great hall, right after Umbridge's speech at the start of the year)
Things had not been well for those in the wizarding world with enough intellect to count together 1+1, so a very little portion. Not only had the Ministerium suppressed all mentions of Voldemorts return with way too much eagerness for it to seem reasonable but Harry Potter, had disappeared under mysterious circumstances. As such it was no surprise that there were a fair amount of students, foremost Harry's friends, the like 3 he had, who did not take Umbridge's speech very well.
''Stupid toad, who does she think she is?''
As always, Ron was more than happy to make his misgivings clear.
''I don't like her either, but there is not much we can do, not with Dumbledores names in ruins and Harry disappeared.''
But Hermione's words did not help much to calm down Ron.
''I know that dammit, can't he just suddenly appear again and fix everything?''
But Hermione just shook her head sadly.
''I wish for that as well but really Ron, we have no clue where he is, and even if he were to return, do you really think he could simply fix all this. Not that this question is important seeing how he is still-''
But before she could finish her sentence, a blinding flash field the big hall and with it, a man.
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While there still remained traces of the man who was once Harry potter he definitely was a different person now. He stood as tall as any half-giant in his awe-inspiring armor. It stretched from his feet all the way up to his shoulders, only leaving his face exposed. The entire was entirely painted in blue and gold and on its shoulders it bore a... was that a fucking toilet seat? The face of Harry potter looked like it was chiseled by an artist and his visage was a regal gaze (and totally not a condescending gaze meant to show the plebeians his inherent superiority).
Looking around the great hall he called out his question with a booming voice.
''Where am I?''
It was Hermione that first was able to find her voice again.
''Harry, is that you?''
The armored giant turned his gaze into her direction, studying her for a bit before his face broke out into a huge smile.
''By the emperor's grace, I am back in the period of my birth. Surely another challenge by our most glorious Emperor to slay the enemies of mankind plaguing this place. But I must say, after outdancing those Harlequins this challenge seems almost laughable.''
And with those words he turned towards Umbridge, raising his right hand that was holding a sword... that was also a chainsaw, in a heroic manner.
''Truly a most foul example of the Catachanus Bufo Moribundus. But do not worry children. FOR I, HARRY JAMES POTTER, MEMBER OF THE GLORIOUS SECOND CHAPTER OF THE MOST GLORIOUS ULTRAMARINES HAVE ARRIVED!''
Apparently he had expected a different reaction because upon noticing their stunned silence he once again started.
''I AM TALKING ABOUT THE SECOND CHAPTER OF THE MOST GLORIOUS CHAPTER OF SPACE MARINES, LEAD BY NO OTHER THEN THE MOST GLORIOUS CATO SIC-''
Before he could finish his words another blinding flash filled the room and with it another man. He wore almost the same armor as Harry just that he had a helmet on. A very stupidly designed helmet at that but we digress.
''IT IS I, CATO SICARIUS. I, CATO SICARIUS, CAME AS SOON AS I, CATO SICARIUS, HEARD MY NAME, CATO SICARIUS, SPOKEN BY THIS SUBORDINATE OF I, CATO SICARIUS.''
Upon seeing the great smurfs, I am sorry, the esteemed captains, arrival Harrys face lit up with enthusiasm.
''GREETING MY MOST GLORIOUS CAPTAIN, CATO SICARIUS, TOGETHER I, HARRY JAMES POTTER AND YOU CATO SICARIUS SHALL PURGE THIS CASTLE FROM THE MOST FOUL OF CREATURES!''
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Ron slowly turned his head to Hermione, his stare as disbelieving of what was happening as hers.
''You know, I think I liked it better when he was still gone.''
Hermione could only nod slowly.
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So, do I feel bad for writing such stupid (and overly short) crack? Most definitely but I just had a feeling that I had to write this. Please forgive me. That said I just want to point out that I actually quite like the ultramarines and especially their Primarch. I still kinda stay with my theory that maybe they simply work better than most space marines because their Primarch was actually right in the head. Well, point is that I do actually quite like them and actually have their Primarch as my second favorite (after Sanguinius) Anyways, I hope you had at least a small chuckle at this.
This story has not been beta read(big shocker there).
