April 2012
Authors Note: I do not own the Harry Potter characters. I do not own the song Back to December. My perspectives on this ship have changed since I wrote this.
I'm so glad you made time to see me
How's life? Tell me how's your family?
I haven't seen them in a while.
"Lily, it's great to see you," Severus said giving his ex-best friend an awkward hug. "I haven't seen you in ages. How are you?"
"I've been busy. Training to be a healer. You?"
"I've been doing independent study. I'm not quite sure what I want to do with my life yet. I decided not to join the Death Eaters though."
"That's great, Severus."
You've been good, busier than ever,
Small talk; work and the weather
Your guard is up and I know why.
Severus was disheartened. Never had Lily called him Severus before. She had always called him Sev, a name he did not allow anyone else to use. Yet as disheartened as he was, he expected it. He felt lucky she had even asked him to meet up with her.
"So how is your family? I haven't seen them in a while."
"Mom and Dad are doing well; Happy to see their daughters creating families of their own. Petunia is still Petunia, although married now. Did you hear I got engaged? James proposed a few months ago."
James Potter, the childhood enemy of Severus Snape was now engaged to Lily Evans. Severus knew it was his fault. If he wouldn't have made such a huge mistake, it more than likely would have been him engaged to Lily right now.
Because the last time you saw me still burns in the back of your mind.
It had been a nice, sunny day, only days away from summer break. The fifth-year students had just finished the Defense Against the Dark Arts O.W.L. James Potter, the arrogant toerag that he was, was looking for someone to pick on. Severus had been sitting under the shade of the tree, reading a book and minding his own business. And of course, Potter attacked. It was the typical Potter-hexing-Snape prank, with Potter disarming Severus before hanging him upside down in mid-air. While Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew joined in on Potter's "fun", Remus Lupin stood off to the side, too timid to interfere in the pranking, next to a fuming Lily Evans.
"James Potter you put him down right now!" Lily had yelled, pointing her wand at the three marauders.
"Look at that Snivellus, your girlfriend is here to save you once again. You don't even deserve to worship at her feet, you slimeball!" He taunted, successfully pulling down Severus' trousers.
"Neither do you, you selfish, conceited git!" Lily yelled back. She threw a hex at him, ending his hex on Severus so that he landed on the ground with a thud. After he had redressed himself, Lily approached him. "Are you alright Sev?"
It was at that moment Severus made the worst mistake of his life. "I don't need your help, you filthy little mudblood."
So, this is me swallowing my pride, standing in front of you
Saying I'm sorry for that night.
And I go back to December all the time.
An awkward silence passed between the two of them. "Lily." It was so soft, Lily almost didn't hear it. "Why did you ask me to meet you here?"
"I'm marrying the man who tormented you for five out of seven years of your schooling. I figured you deserved to know."
"Even after what I did to you?" She nodded but only slightly.
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you,
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine.
And I go back to December all the time.
"I am so sorry Lily. I regret what I said to you every day."
"But Severus, that doesn't change the fact that you said it. And even if you didn't mean it, why shouldn't I take it to heart when you called everyone else with my blood status that same name?"
"No, you're right. I can't change it, and I should have never gotten so caught up in blood status."
"Why did you do it? I know you didn't have the best home life, but was it necessary to get involved in dark arts?"
"No. It was a naïve and conceited thirst for power. I screwed up horribly."
Lily gave him a hard look. "Don't you know he picked on you because he was jealous of you? You had the one thing he wanted more than anything!"
"Certainly, he wasn't jealous of my charmingly good looks," Severus said sarcastically. "So, what, pray tell, did I have that he was jealous of?"
Lily gave him an exasperated look. With a sigh that almost sounded as if to say, 'how clueless can you be?' she answered him. "Me."
These days, I haven't been sleeping;
Staying up playing back myself leaving,
When your birthday passed, and I didn't call.
Severus laughed darkly. "He wanted you, so he picked on me. Did he think picking on me and pissing you off would somehow lead to him getting in your pants?"
Lily grimaced at the statement. "It worked, didn't it?" she said, ignoring the end part of Severus' statement. "You snapped; forfeited your relationship with me to keep your pride and want of power over James and his friends."
"I can't even tell you how much I regret it. But what I don't understand is that you broke your promise, Lily. You promised we would always be best friends, no matter what."
"But that's just the thing Sev." At least she hadn't totally forgotten her nickname for him. She was letting her guard down, at least a little bit. "You broke yours first. You promised that being muggle born wouldn't make a difference. And at first it didn't. So, what changed? Were you that hung up on power and authority?"
Severus looked at his lap, shame radiating off him in response to the disappointment and hurt radiating off Lily.
"I loved you, Sev. You broke my heart."
"I loved you too Lily. Ever since the first time we met I've loved you. I just got so angry at Potter and his friends, and I was so worried I would lose you to him, I made some really stupid decisions..."
"Which gave him exactly what he wanted. So now I ended up with James anyway. I didn't think you loved me. Why else would you call me that name? Whoever said, 'sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me' was an oblivious, ignorant, toerag who deserves to be strangled."
"I tried to apologize. I regretted it as soon as all was said and done."
"You apologized when the wound was still fresh. I think I wanted you to keep trying. I wanted proof that you really did regret it. I knew you weren't exactly fond of muggles, and I didn't see why I should be the one exception to that."
And I think about summer all those beautiful times
I watched you laughing from the passenger side
I realized I loved you
"I miss those days when we were younger. All those summers that I practically lived at your house." Lily smiled slightly. How could she forget? All the pranks on Petunia, picnics by the swings, hours spent in the dining room completing the monstrous amount of summer homework. Those summer days weren't just the best to Severus. Lily missed them too. Those were the days before Severus had gotten so obsessed with blood status. Before he ran her off.
I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile, so good to me so right
And how you held me in your arms that September night
First time you ever saw me cry
"Does James treat you well? If he is still a toerag…"
"Relax Severus. James has changed a lot. They all have. James treats me like a princess, even if he is still a bit of a prankster. Sirius is an idiot but he's sweet. Remus is sweet, so much like you in fact, you two would make great friends. Pettigrew is the only one who is still obnoxious."
They both sat in silence for a moment. "I love you, Lily. And I realize I've ruined my chances of making you my wife, but can we still be friends? I can't bear to lose you completely. You know more about me than anybody else. You were there for me when my mum died and no one else cared…" he trailed off softly.
"I would never want to lose you as a friend. But I need to know that you care enough about me to make an effort with James, Sirius, and Remus, despite all they put you through."
Maybe this is wishful thinking,
Probably mindless dreaming,
But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right.
I'd go back in time and change it, but I can't.
So, if the chain is on your door, I understand.
Severus sighed. Perhaps he could do that, if it meant he could still keep Lily as his best friend. Lily, the beautiful, talented, intelligent, muggle born witch who could see the best in everyone; he could not bear to lose her entirely.
Every day Severus wished he had a time turner that could take him back to that day. He would tell his younger, stupid self not to make such a horrible mistake. As it was though, time turners only worked to turn back time a few hours, not a few years.
He knew he was lucky to be getting what he was. It was certainly more than he expected.
Turns out freedom "power" ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine.
And I go back to December turn around and make it all right.
I'd go back to December turn around and change my own mind.
I go back to December all the time.
