Dr. Linda Gray had made a terrible mistake.
She knew this the moment she walked into her office to find not only Dante and Vergil waiting for her—but a third addition slouched beside them, looking twice as exasperated.
Nero.
Dr. Gray had just returned from a much-needed vacation, a desperate attempt to recover from the last fiasco these two put her through. She still had nightmares about demon guts on her new rug and the sound of shattered windows echoing in her ears. Her therapist said she needed closure.
Closure, apparently, meant diving headfirst back into hell.
With a deep, calming breath (her third one since opening the door), she sat in her chair, folded her hands, and did her best to maintain her professional tone. "Alright. Welcome back, gentlemen. And welcome, Nero. I take it you've been… convinced to join today's session?"
Nero gave a half-hearted shrug and offered a dry wave. "Name's Nero. Devil hunter. Third-wheel in this delightful family disaster. Don't expect much, doc. I already know this is gonna be a damn disaster."
"Dragged is the better word," he added, shooting a glare at Dante.
Dr. Gray offered a polite smile—until she glanced at her notes and paused. "Wait. Nero... You're Vergil's son?"
Vergil raised an eyebrow. "Is that relevant to today's session?"
"You didn't think that was worth mentioning before?!" she snapped, voice an octave higher. "That makes everything so much worse."
Dante laughed. "Yeah, it's a real soap opera, huh? Guess we forgot to mention the whole 'secret demon lineage' thing."
Nero deadpanned. "Yeah. I've got daddy issues and demon blood. Real fun mix."
Dr. Gray blinked. Slowly, mechanically, she reached into her desk drawer and popped two antacids. "Of course you do. Wonderful. Let's… let's just move on."
Dr. Gray ignored the spike in her blood pressure and opened her notebook. "Well, since we have a new participant, let's try a few bonding exercises. Let's start with an 'I feel' statement. Each of you will express an emotion in a constructive way."
Nero sighed. "Fine. I feel like I shouldn't have agreed to this."
Dante smirked. "I feel like Vergil is gonna storm out any second now."
Vergil exhaled sharply. "I feel like I could be using this time to train."
Dr. Gray's pen cracked in her grip. "Incredible. You're already doing the exact same things you did last time. Moving on."
"Let's each say something we admire about one another. Nero, why don't you start?"
Nero leaned back in his chair. "I guess I admire that you two are strong fighters."
Dante gave a dramatic gasp. "Aww, kiddo, that's sweet."
Vergil, deadpan: "Adequate."
Nero's eye twitched. "You wanna get punched?"
Dr. Gray's eye twitched in unison. "We are not doing this again. Dante, your turn."
Dante rubbed his chin. "Alright, alright. I admire that Nero's got a mean right hook, and Vergil… well, dude's got great hair. Seriously. It never gets messed up. What's your secret, man? Demon conditioner?"
Vergil glared. "Discipline."
Dr. Gray resisted the urge to scream into her clipboard. "Okay. Conflict resolution. Let's pretend you can resolve something without weapons. Scenario: Dante eats the last slice of pizza. Vergil, how do you handle it?"
Vergil answered immediately. "Simple. I take his arm."
Nero choked. "WHAT THE HELL?!"
Dr. Gray stood up. "Break. Now. Before I throw myself out that window before a demon gets the chance."
Dr. Gray rubbed her temples. "Alright. Since we have an obvious family dynamic at play here, let's try some direct bonding. Vergil, Nero, you two will do a trust exercise. Nero, fall backward. Vergil, catch him."
Nero raised an eyebrow. "You serious?"
Vergil crossed his arms. "This is absurd."
Dr. Gray forced a smile. "Do it. Now."
With a sigh, Nero turned around and let himself fall.
Vergil did not move an inch.
With a loud thud, Nero hit the ground. He groaned. "Oh, come on—!"
Vergil shrugged. "He should be more aware of his surroundings."
Dr. Gray inhaled sharply. "Fine. New exercise. Vergil, try a simple, supportive statement to Nero. Something encouraging."
Vergil turned to his son, his expression unreadable. "You are… not entirely incompetent."
Dante burst out laughing. "That's the nicest thing he's ever said to anyone! Mark the date, doc!"
Nero scowled. "Gee, thanks, Dad."
Dr. Gray massaged her temples. "This is—You know what? Let's just move on."
Dr. Gray took a deep breath. "Alright. This one is simple. You two are going to hug."
Silence.
Vergil and Nero stared at her. Then at each other. Then back at her.
Nero cleared his throat. "Uh… what?"
Vergil's eye twitched. "I refuse."
Dr. Gray forced a smile. "You will do this. Or so help me, I will make it mandatory in every session going forward."
Dante grinned. "Oh man, this is gold—"
Dr. Gray pointed at him. "You. Shut up."
Nero sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. "Fine. Let's just get this over with."
Vergil remained still. Nero awkwardly stepped forward and went for the quickest, most half-hearted one-armed hug possible.
Vergil, rigid as stone, did not react.
Dr. Gray pinched the bridge of her nose. "That was awful. Do it again. Properly."
Dante cackled. "Come on, Vergil, give your boy some love!"
Vergil exhaled sharply, then—grudgingly—returned the hug. Briefly. Very briefly.
Nero grimaced. "Alright, that's enough. We're done."
Dr. Gray clapped her hands. "Progress! Sort of!"
Dr. Gray took a deep, ominous breath. "Final exercise for today: each of you must say 'I love you' to someone else in the room. Preferably… without sarcasm."
Nero blinked. "You're joking, right?"
"Not even remotely."
Dante, grinning, pointed at Nero. "Go on, kid. Show the old man some heart."
Nero groaned. "Fine. I…" He looked at Vergil, then immediately looked away. "I love you. There. You happy?"
Vergil narrowed his eyes. "You didn't even look at me."
"Yeah, well, maybe if you'd caught me earlier—"
"Do it again," Dr. Gray said sternly.
Vergil rolled his eyes, then turned with the grace of someone being asked to walk into a burning building. "I… love you too."
The room was silent.
Dante clutched his chest. "I think I just witnessed a miracle."
Dr. Gray scribbled furiously in her notes. "Marking that as massive emotional progress."
Just when Dante thought he'd dodged every emotional landmine in the room, Dr. Gray turned her pen on him like it was a holy relic.
"Dante. You're not off the hook. Join the hug."
His smirk faltered. "...Wait, what?"
"You enabled half this chaos. Group hug. Now."
Vergil stared like she'd grown a second head. Nero looked like he was watching a car crash. Dante pointed to himself, incredulous. "Doc, I already got enough trauma watching them hug—"
"Do it," Dr. Gray snapped, rising halfway from her chair.
"...Fine, fine!" Dante threw his hands up, then trudged over. "Come on, group hug, everybody in. Let's make this nice and awkward."
Nero groaned. "This is the worst day of my life."
Vergil muttered something under his breath in demonic Latin that might've been a curse.
The three of them stood in the most painfully awkward family embrace ever attempted by mankind. Arms barely touching, backs rigid, energy radiating pure emotional constipation.
Dr. Gray blinked. "Closer."
They begrudgingly shuffled in an inch.
"Closer."
"I will smite you," Vergil hissed, eyes glowing faintly.
"Closer!" she barked.
Finally, arms looped around shoulders. Vergil looked like he was bracing for death. Nero looked ready to bite someone. Dante? Still grinning—but now sweating.
"Now say it," she said sweetly. "All of you. Together."
They exchanged one miserable, wordless glance. Then:
"...I love you," they mumbled in the saddest, most out-of-sync group confession in history.
Silence.
Dr. Gray beamed. "See? That wasn't so bad."
And in that moment, the windows shattered—again. A group of grotesque demons poured into the room, snarling and drooling.
"TARGET THE HUMAN! SHE IS THE WEAKEST!"
Dr. Gray screamed as one lunged and seized her.
"PUT ME DOWN, YOU FESTERING PILE OF ANXIETY!"
Before she could even struggle, the demon's head exploded—courtesy of a blue spectral sword.
Dante flipped Ebony and Ivory with a grin. "Well, guess therapy's over."
Vergil stood beside him, blade already drawn. "This time, we protect the therapist."
Nero cracked his knuckles. "Yeah. Let's show 'em some family teamwork."
The three moved in unison—slicing, blasting, and bantering their way through the demon horde. At one point, a demon tried to gloat:
"YOU THINK YOU CAN DEFEAT—"
It was bisected mid-sentence by Yamato.
Another screamed, "THE DARKNESS WILL CONSUM—"
Shot between the eyes.
The last one managed, "LORD MUNDUS WILL—"
Nero punched its head clean off.
Dr. Gray lay dazed on the floor, covered in demon goop, but alive.
Dante offered a hand. "All good, doc. No charge for demon extractions."
Vergil nodded. "Your sessions are… enlightening."
Nero shrugged. "Could be worse. We didn't kill each other."
As the three men walked off—bloody, bruised, and vaguely more bonded—Dr. Gray sat in her ruined office, surrounded by demon parts — once again.
She slowly pulled out her phone and began searching for more plane tickets.
"I need a real vacation… preferably with no swords, guns, or emotional repression..."
