AN: Written about a year ago. At the time, I wrote: I have started reading Emma to refresh my memory, and as before it is tough going. We have only just met Mr. Martin on the road and I am already quite willing to throttle Emma. Apparently, this state of mind is fertile ground for random plotbunnies, and I came away wondering what Emma would've thought about Jane Austen's matchmaking? I imagined it not entirely unlikely, that she would have thought that she herself would do better. Spurred on by this stray thought, I drew two cards from the "matchmaking" memory game cards and ended up with Lydia Bennet and Captain Wentworth as the unlucky first couple, from which I deviated most others.
0o0o0o0
"My dear Miss Austen," huffed Emma as she entered the room. "I really must protest! You have put not nearly enough thought into those matches your heroines made thus far. Allow me to assist you."
"You could not seriously contemplate matching Miss Fanny Price with Mr. Edmund Bertram, why they are like brother and sister! It would be unseemly. Highly improper. Besides, I am not at all convinced he loves her as he should. No, no, no, I am convinced she can do better. Just think! She is a highly moral lady, raised on an estate but not a demanding or overbearing mistress, she will be a caring addition to any household! Clearly she deserves to be matched with a man of equally high morals and good behaviour, one who owns an estate where she would be a valued helpmeet. Now does this not bring an obvious suitor to mind? A man who has the capacity to love deeply, who is intelligent and conscientious, who owns an estate and will gladly accept her subtle guidance and care? It is Mr. Darcy of course! She could do no better than him, I am sure. And while she brings little money, her connections to the Bertram family must be very acceptable even to Mr. Darcy."
"Of course I understand that this leaves your Miss Elizabeth Bennet in a bit of a predicament, but I have thought of everything! She will be very pleased to marry Colonel Brandon! He has loved many an Eliza before, so should have no problems loving this one. Also he is intelligent, a responsible land owner, ready to defend those he loves with ferocity, he will not look down on the Bennets, he is never disdainful or disrespectful and he will challenge her opinions. She will learn to esteem him in very little time, I am sure. She cannot help but love him, once she realizes how highly he will value her."
"Now, Miss Marianne Dashwood of course needs a match of her own. Thinking of Miss Marianne, I could not help but think of Mr. John Willoughby as well. He needs to marry a substantial fortune I understand, but I feel Miss Grey is in fact much too good for him. Instead, I think a lady such as Miss Augusta Hawkins would suit him well. She is equally high strung and would be very pleased for him to inherit an estate, now wouldn't she? Also, her living far away from Highbury would be for the best of everyone."
"Miss Sophia Grey is of course an heiress. She does in fact have sufficient funds to keep even a second son of an earl happy, as I understand it. Therefore, she could keep the very gentlemanlike Colonel Fitzwilliam in comfort. He in turn offers her sterling connections and as a man of undisputed good reputation and behaviour, he will treat her well, better than Mr. Willoughby ever could. I foresee a very happy union between those two."
"Since Mr. Elton would apparently be quite happy with a nouveau riche harpy of a wife, he should marry Miss Caroline Bingley. They would suit very well, I am sure. And as she would much prefer to live in town instead of Highbury, we shall not have to see them much, I am sure."
"Let me get back to Miss Marianne Dashwood. What she needs, is a cheerful man. A cheerful man, with enough prospects to marry a lady who isn't well-dowered, would suit her nicely. At first I thought of Mr. Bingley, but I quickly realized Miss Marianne Dashwood would not suit the Bingley sisters, nor would they suit her as new relations. So instead, I thought of a man who has a much more agreeable family who would likely welcome a lively girl with open arms. Therefore, Miss Marianne should marry Mr. Charles Musgrove. They should keep each other happy enough, he with his steady good mood should keep her emotions on the positive end of the scale, while she with her liveliness should keep him well entertained and happy. I can see those two do very well together."
"Miss Mary Elliot is a bit harder to match."
"I should think," interrupted Miss Austen, "that she shares some characteristics with your own father."
"My father!" cried Emma. "That would never do! He already laments the married state that Miss Taylor entered into – now there is a match I made myself! – and he would never wish such upon himself! Besides, he is much too old for a young lady like Miss Mary Elliot. No, no, I am quite convinced she just needs a young man to cheer her out of her disagreeableness. And who do we know that is unfailingly polite, cares about ladies" concerns and has a cheerful disposition himself? Why, it is Mr. Henry Tilney of course! And as a daughter of a Baronet, she might even please general Tilney a bit. Let's not mention her meagre dowry, shall we?"
"Now what can I do for Catherine Morland? She is a sweet young girl, easily impressed. She is not used to excessive luxury and while she has an imaginative mind, she would undoubtedly do well with a young man of sound understanding, not given to flightiness. A man such as Mr. Robert Martin would suit her well, I imagine. He in turn should be very pleased with a daughter of a respectable family, kind and almost pretty. His sisters will adore Miss Catherine as well, I am sure."
"My dearest Harriet, as you know, should marry into the gentry. It will solidify her social position. She deserves a first son, heir to an estate. I will be sad to see her leave Highbury, as we had become such close friends. Still, I must choose what is best for her."
Here Emma wiped away an imaginary tear.
"So, a gentleman's son, with enough fortune or expectations to be able to marry a dowerless wife, who has sufficient life experience to have left his wild tendencies behind him and to value a good, honest and pretty wife. You can have no doubt of whom I am thinking. Harriet must marry Mr. Tom Bertram. I am sure the Bertrams shall be pleased to avoid scandal with better matches for each of them, therefore they will not look down on Harriet for the situation of her birth. And once she is Mrs. Bertram, and later on will be Lady Bertram, I am sure that will all be forgotten."
"Before I return to Mr. Edmund Bertram, I wish to share with you another couple I have just matched. You will be surprised, I am sure, for you have not actually matched these two yourself, even though both of them were quite close to tying the knot and were fully expected to marry. As such, I am sure they will be able to comfort one another. There are other qualities that make them suited to each other as well. For she is a retiring, quiet sort of lady, while he is outgoing, lively and charming. They will compliment each other no doubt. And even if they don't, their habits will allow them to give the other space and live peacefully side by side. Of course, I am speaking of Miss Anne de Bourgh and Mr. Henry Crawford. She will be most pleased to live away from her overbearing mother, who in turn will be pleased to remain mistress of Rosings Park and have her daughter live elsewhere. Mr. Crawford will have sufficient female attention to have no need to demand anything strenuous from his own wife, which will guarantee her continued health. She will not begrudge him any of that attention, as it is not her way. She will be most accepting of his proclivities I am sure, as she is not the jealous type and would much rather continue a life of undisturbed peace."
"Mr. Edmund Bertram then. I know you agree that a Miss Mary Crawford is wholly unsuited to a man like Mr. Edmund Bertram. Why you portrayed him as following her around like a dog in heat I will never understand. What he needs is a woman who will respect him and his vocation, who will lift him up rather than put him down. He needs a woman who is strong and respectful in her own right and has no need to look down on others in order to feel better about herself. He needs Miss Elinor Dashwood, in short. As long as you can write it, so that he will never have met a young lady such as Miss Mary Crawford, I have no doubt he will see the superior qualities of Miss Dashwood immediately. She in turn will meet a man who is not in any way entangled with another and therefore free to commit to her without any strife. I see no reason to keep either of them waiting any longer."
"This leaves Mr. Edwars Ferrars still without a suitable and caring wife, but I may have found one that will please both him and possibly even his mother. Daughter of a baronet, and of a caring and sensible disposition herself, Miss Anne Elliot would be a most suitable match. And her connection to Lady Russell may be the impetus needed by his mother to approve his choice. Lady Russell in turn could not do otherwise than be pleased for her dearest girl to marry a serious, studious young man with good expectations. I dare say this will be a match pleasing to all. Even Sir Walter should be encouraging, I should think."
"It appears Captain Wentworth is not disapproving of very young ladies who fawn over his uniform, naval career and financial accomplishments. I believe he should be very pleased with an eager and outgoing young lady such as Miss Lydia Bennet. When in port, he will be able to take her to dances and balls aplenty and enjoy her charms fully. Should she become too much to bear, he will resume his orderly naval life and set sail again. Miss Lydia I am sure will be well pleased with his charming looks, his handsome uniform, his well-looking fortune and, should she be able to compromise him quickly, she may be the first of her sisters to marry as well. I think both shall be delighted to be together, as well as to be apart. Mr. and Mrs. Bennet will be quite pleased to have such a son in law as well, I am sure."
"Mr. George Wickham should be a most suitable match for Miss Maria Bertram. She will be very impressed with his charms, as most young ladies are, and being the one to win him should please her vanity. To be sure, they will need to write a convincing letter to Sir Thomas Bertram, to assure him Mr. Wickham is in fact a worthy candidate, but once they have secured his permission, I am sure they will be well-suited to one another. Her dowry will please him, and his charm will please her. As long as they can keep the other's appetites well sated, they should be very happy together."
"I am afraid Mr. Rushworth is more than uncommonly stupid. There are very few ladies, I think, who would put up with him. Luckily, you have created just the right lady to esteem him. Miss Jane Bennet, constitutionally incapable of seeing any flaws in her fellow man, should be perfectly able to esteem and admire Mr. Rushworth. If not, her mother should be able to guide her esteem towards his wealth and his estate. In the same vein, Mrs. Rushworth, Mr. Rushworth's mother, will be very pleased to welcome such a sweet, unassuming and beautiful daughter in law. There is no risk of Miss Bennet ever being unfaithful, it is not in her character. And Mr. Rushworth will be far too thankful for having such a beauty for his devoted wife. The possibility will not occur to him."
"This leaves Mr. Bingley. He should be matched to Miss Elizabeth Elliot. She has the right sort of beauty to entice him, and the right sort of ancestry to entice his sisters. With both sisters eager to have him marry Miss Elliot, much strife will be avoided and Mr. Bingley should be a very happy man. Miss Elliot will accept the sisters" fawning and her husband"s admiration as no more than her due. With that behaviour, she will fulfill all their expectations. She in turn will have gained a wealthy and good looking husband. While not a peer, he does have sufficient ties to the first circles to keep her able to attend the right kind of balls and cultivate the right kind of connections. They will be very pleased to have chosen the other, I am sure."
"You see, Miss Austen, if you just rewrite your stories as I have suggested, I am sure they will be much more agreeable to your readers. It was my pleasure."
With a curtsey, Miss Emma Woodhouse took her leave.
