Chapter 2: First Man, more like Worst Man

Each Ring of Hell was different from each other, all had the potential to be very bad to live in or very good. The ring of Envy for instance was a grand ocean with many sorts of tropical islands and businesses; but it was also a classist place full of sea monsters of all varieties and social media influencers. It was a very rich and exclusive place with an oriental motif overall.

This made Rahab chuckle a bit, especially since his daughter Leviathan had a Scottish accent. This might make little sense to a mortal, given Scotland wasn't a thing when Levi first took her humanoid form. But then again, neither were robots and by the time of Eden most of Heaven's standing army had been replaced by advanced robots.. Because the Exorcists definitely were not Heaven's official army.

Rahab bit into the Kani-Oni legs he was eating while his two headed daughter ate her Kurodama Uni Sushi with surprising daintiness, considering the two heads shared a stomach. Leviathans left head looked very humanoid, the only real indication of her supernatural nature being that she had no nose and her ears were fins. Her right head was definitely that of a monster, an eel like creature with hair that was bioluminescent. The two heads had personalities and minds of their own, but they agreed on certain things. They both loved Charlie and their dad, so much that they tolerated Rahab calling her Nessie.

That of course wasn't the norm for the sins, but Levi had a great excuse. Namely she got her head split open during the war with Rahab by some archangel the humans would eventually name Thor. Guy didn't last so much as nine steps before her venom killed him. But it did give her a literally split personality; with each head representing an aspect of envy. Her humanoid head represented Benign Envy, the kind that inspired admiration and self-improvement; her snake head represented Malicious Envy, i.e., the kind that inspired resentment and sabotage. It was Malicious Envy that was the sin as a bad thing, for ultimately most, if not all, of the sins were ok in moderation or when appropriate.

Levi started the conversation with her benign head, the one Rahab had mentally taken to calling Le, "Not that we don't love having you hear Dad, but, umm." The malicious head, mentally called Vi, said, "What are you doing popping in like this, you old coot!" Rahab chuckled and said, "Can't a father pop in to visit his daughter?"

Levi muttered under breath in a dialect of Envy Nugaheem, which Rahab understood and he scolded her in the exact same dialect. Snapping up in embarrassment she blushed and returned to the common tongue of English, "Sorry dad." Rahab chuckled and said, "No worries, I'm not so thin skinned. Literally." To emphasize his point, Rahab knocked on his encounter suit, specifically one of the pieces designed to look like flesh. The sound made was a clang like that of metal rapping on metal, the Encounter Suit was made with the strongest metals Hell had to offer and could take all sorts of punishment. Angelic Steel was the only thing that could reliably damage the suit, all the celestial energies that erased sinner and hellborn alike could do was annoy him a bit; and with the repair nanites any breach to the suit was quickly repaired.

Suddenly a watch beep alerted him to a prior engagement, "Sorry Nessie, I gotta cut this short. As you know, our dear niece Charlie has opened the Hazbin Hotel. And the first commercial is gonna air. Me, her, Vaggie, and Alastor are gonna watch it live. Oh this will be great!"


A random sinner was stabbing another when Alastor's radio voice spoke to them, "Why hello there wayward sinner!" The camera distorted as Alastor's arm came into view, "Do you like blood, violence, and depravity of a sexual nature." The two demons were confused as Alastor continued, "Why of course you do, that's why you're in hell!" He zoomed out and said, "But what if I were to tell you there was a place to stay that had none of that?"

Suddenly the Hazbin Hotel was in the shot and the radio demon continued, "Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel, a misguided path to redemption." Suddenly Charlie was in the shot as they were inside the hotel, "Founded five days ago by Lucifers delusional daughter, Charlotte Morningstar!" Charlie was unprepared for the camera and gave a nervous smile while waving. Angel Dust took the opportunity to do the bunny ears prank with all four of his arms, two for Charlie's head and two for her shoulders.

The next scene was of Charlie's interview with Katie Killjoy, switching to a picture of her planning with a corkboard, a picture of her crying as she faces away from her father who was in the opposite direction under a spotlight, then her showing her plan via poster to a confused crowd as Alastor narrated, "Come place your fate in her inexperienced hands, as she tries to work through her daddy issues by fixing you!"

The shot changed to the hotel lobby being cleaned by Razzle and Dazzle as Alastor said, "Here we offer fun things" A graphic of the words fun things twirled on the screen as he panned over to the bar. Husk was firmly in the shot and clearly drunk, "such as somewhat functional staff" As if to prove Alastor's point Husk collapsed as Niffty came and began chasing a bug, "and 24-hour pest control." A graphic of the words Pest Control flashed above as the bug desperately fled the cyclopean maid.

The show showed a toilet as Alastor crowed, "Custom rooms" as a graphic of those words flashed above the shot. It then abruptly shifted to the lobby, "and just look at this tacky parlor!" KeeKee was sitting on a nearby table and was frightened when a support beam fell close to her. Zooming in on Angel Dust Alastor announced, "Enjoy riveting conversation with our singular resident."

Angel Dust, in response, flipped Alastor off. A comic book style punch graphic with the word wow on it came and dominated the screen as Alastor said, "Wow!" The scene became a poorly drawn picture of the hotel surrounded by stickers before going to an outside shot of the hotel with the words, "Call Now! Or Don't! I Don't Care! We still don't have a working phone!" flashed on the screen. Alastor's narration finished with, "All this, and more at the Hazbin Hotel! Your last desperate attempt at salvation starts here!"

Alastor turned off the television and cheerfully asked, "So what do you think?"

Charlie and Vaggie were subtly horrified while Rahab was cackling, eventually the ancient demon stopped and said, "Ok, that was a great joke. Now where's the real commercial?" He noticed he was the only one laughing and he groaned saying, "That was the commercial wasn't it?" At the nods he grimly noted, "You know, I don't really blame Alastor. I blame whoever thought putting the Radio Demon in charge of a TV commercial was a good idea."

He glanced at Charlie and said, "I love you Charlie, but you have to put some thought into these things." Charlie's smile was slightly subdued and she said, "I know, Uncle Rahab." Charlie left, most likely to try and call Lilith. Rahab could feel his inner darkness roil with hate for Lilith. So many of Charlie and Lucifers issues could be placed squarely at the feet of the First Bitch.

Soon Charlie came back very excited, even more so than usual. Vaggie was curious as was Rahab, and Charlie yelled the news, "Guess what!? Dad got me a meeting with Heaven! With there backing we can really make progress! I'm so excited! I'm gonna go now! Bye Vaggie! Love you!" Vaggie couldn't even get a word in edgewise. She groaned and asked Angel, "Is she dancing?" Angel nodded saying, "Yep."

Rahab sighed and said to Vaggie, "I'll go with her. Keep her safe. You reshoot the commercial so something productive comes from the trainwreck that is today."


Far enough away from Charlie so as to not interrupt her own song, Rahab was singing a very different tune, an upbeat swing style tune summoned by him as he sang.

In the afterlife

You could be headed for the serious strife

Now you make the scene all day

But tomorrow there'll be Hell to pay

The demons who had dared be improper to Charlie sang the next verse as he delivered suffering.

In the afterlife

You could be headed for the serious strife

Now you make the scene all day

But tomorrow there'll be Hell to pay

Rahab sang the next verse

People listen attentively

I mean about future calamity

I used to think the idea was obsolete

Until I heard the old man stamping his feet

He then began to enact the tortures in the song upon the fools who disrespected Charlie

This is a place where eternally

Fire is applied to the body

Teeth are extruded and bones are ground

And baked into cakes which are passed around

He kept pace with Charlie, not enough to intrude on her song but enough to reassure himself

In the afterlife

You could be headed for the serious strife

Now you make the scene all day

But tomorrow there'll be Hell to pay

Rahab shanked a sinner with each word of the next verse

Beauty, talent, fame, money

Refinement, job skill and brain

But all the things you try to hide

Will be revealed on the other side

Rahab and the sinners sang the next verse

In the afterlife

You could be headed for the serious strife

Now you make the scene all day (meet the furnace)

But tomorrow there'll be Hell to pay (yes it is it is hot)

Rahab sang the next verse by himself

Now the D and A and the M and the N and the A

And the T and the I-O-N

Lose your face

Lose your name

Then get fitted for a suit of flames

Rahab and the sinners sang the final verse before Rahab disintegrated the lot of them as a lesson. He didn't destroy their souls because Charlie wouldn't like that.

Now the D and A and the M and the N and the A

And the T and the I-O-N

Lose your face

Lose your name

Then get fitted for a suit of flames

Rahab caught up to Charlie who turned said, "Hey uncle. Why are you here." Rahab shrugged and said, "Eh, just wanted to make sure you were safe." Charlie's smile got wider and she said, "Aww, thanks." Rahab left unsaid the implicit threat his mere presence would be to the higher ups of heaven.

Rahab believed that if anyone could redeem Sinners it was Charlie. But he was also well aware that she didn't exactly have the most professional pitch. She was basically a Disney princess, and she filled out everything with crayons. She also didn't have much of an idea as to what she needed to do. That would kill any proposal before it started if she went alone. But with him there anyone with even a fraction of a braincell would listen to Charlies proposal.


Vaggie was really feeling the pressure, especially after the horrible attempt to get Angel and Husk's scene done for the new commercial. At least Frenchie had been professional, even as Angel Dust and Husk absolutely botched their scene. And now the part Vaggie was honestly dreading, Nifty's portion.

Nifty was doing what she usually did, savagely killing bugs and other pests. Vaggie had to call Nifty's name a few times before she got the maids attention. Vaggie gave Nifty her instructions, "Your line is 'we have the cleanest rooms.' Okay?" Vaggie said, placing her hands on the shorter cyclops demon's shoulders. "Got it! I'm ready!" Niffty skitters away from Vaggie, grinning.

Vaggie held the camcorder up to her eye and started recording. "Action!" Niffty, instead of saying her line, just stared blankly at Vaggie. Her pupil shrinking in size substantially. The energy in the room turned from pleasant to uncomfortable in a flash.

Angel leaned in, staring at Niffty, then the camera. Vaggie's eyebrows crease inwards. "Uh…" after a second of consideration, she turns the recording off. "Cut." Niffty snaps back out of her trance, smiling wide. "How was that?" She eagerly asks Vaggie, eye sparkling.

Vaggie sighed and responded, "Well Niffty, you actually have to say the line, so… let's roll again." Niffty deflates a little at that, but snaps right back up, nodding excitedly as Vaggie puts the camera back up to her eye. "Action!" The same thing happens again. As Vaggie stares in frustration at Niffty, Angel leaned further in, and semi-whispers in her ear, "You're doing great, vagina."

Vaggie lost her temper and yelled, "Cut! Uh maybe we can try to fix it in post." "Do you even know what that means?" Angel asked, amusement slipping into his tone. Vaggie bristled, her hair fluffing up a bit. "I'll figure it out!"


Rahab was slamming his head into the side of the Heaven Embassy conference room. As he did so he yelled "I!" Headslam, "FUCKING!" Headslam, "JINXED!" Headslam, "IT!" He continued to repeatedly do the head-desk maneuver over and over.

Charlie looked at him with concern, while the two ambassadors looked in confusion. For Rahab had not counted on Adam, leader of the exorcists, First Man, and brainless douche, to be the one sent. Adam snidely asked, "What's with the spaz?" Charlie said, "Oh, it's just my uncle Rahab." She didn't notice how Lutes eyes widened at that name, "He's umm." She saw as Rahab started to gnaw on the wall and pull out a brick and tried to find a nice way to put what she was trying to say, "eccentric."

Adam scoffed and said, "I was gonna say crazy." Rahab pulled the brick he was gnawing on out and proceeded to throw it. The chunk of masonry ricocheted off the walls and hit Adam dead on the mask. Or it would have if Adam were physically present. Instead it passed through the hologram. Rahab sighed and said, "Ok, I'm calm now."

Adam asked, "Why are you even here you crazy demon." Lute was making motions to her boss for him to stop, but like Angel Dust Adam ignored her warnings. Rahab cooly responded, "Moral support and the fact that I do not trust you alone with my niece." Adam glared and said, "Ok then, but say something I don't like and you will regret it." Lute was panicked now, even more so when Rahab curtly replied, "That's my line."


Vaggie was trying to edit together the new commercial, but it was going badly. The upload was janky and choppy, and Vaggie was about ready to lose her temper at the machinery. It didn't help that Alastor soon came and was his usual self. Eventually Vaggie decided to get him on film saying, "And here is Alastor, the jerk who." She didn't get to finish before his face somehow fried the camera. Alastor chuckled, "I wouldn't try that my dear." His face became nightmarish and it was as if reality itself was glitching, "This Face Was Made For Radio!"

Vaggie was fucking terrified, but she recovered quickly. She remembered how Rahab seemed to have some pull on Alastor, and she smiled as she realized she could finally get him in line. With a very Alastor like smile she said, "Well, it won't be very entertaining if you have to manage an empty hotel. And I'm sure Charlie won't like it one bit." Alastor rolled his eyes as he started to depart, "Hah. As if I care what Charlie thinks." Of course, this was more a lie to himself than anything, it was kinda impossible for anyone with even a trace amount of empathy to not love Charlie. Vaggie's smirk didn't falter, "But Rahab does."

Alastor stopped and it took all his will to not reach for the chain that was around his neck. Rahab had granted him his powers, not that Vaggie knew that, but if he were displeased it was game over. Alastor's primary targets were the scum of existence, so Rahab was mostly ok with him. But if Charlie were upset or in danger, then Rahab could easily show why he was so feared. But Alastor was a prideful being, and even the threat of true death wasn't enough to assuage his pride. At least, not without a victory of some sort.

Alastor turned around and said, "How about a deal?" Vaggie was about to get angry before Alastor clarified, "Not for your soul." Vaggie motioned for him to continue which he did, "In exchange for helping with this, I will never have to interact with this accursed medium again!" Vaggie nodded, "That is acceptable." Alastor snapped his fingers, and suddenly the hotel was a 50s style film set. Alastor sat in the director's chair and through an old timey megaphone he yelled, "Lights! Camera! Action!" One of the shadows held up a Clapperboard that read "Hazbin Hotel commercial, take 5003." The Clapperboard clapped, and the new commercial began.


Adam scoffed soon after Charlie mentioned her redemption plan (before she could even pull out her drawings), and said, "Yeah, I don't care about that. This meeting is merely a formality. We're moving up the exterminations." Charlie was floored and said, "What?" Adam unrolled a fancy scroll that read "Fuck you I do what I want." Adam then arrogantly said, "By the power invested in me by me, I am making the extermination a twice a year thing." Charlie was horrified, as was Rahab, who simply muttered "Bi-annual genocide?" Charlie teared up and ran away crying. That would have been bad enough but Adam cackled. This got Rahab angry, and the only reason his glare didn't strike the First Man dead was because he was going to make Adam suffer.

Rahab muttered something indecipherable to Lute, but Adam could hear him loud and clear. It was a list of names, all girls he thought lost in the few times the scum they exterminated actually managed to fight back. Rahab spoke in perfect Adamic, the language spoken before the tower of babel fell, "Jenny, Truly, Verity, Fuse…" There were many more names but Adam could only hear his own blood boiling his in veins, before the demon said, "These are just some of your girls who came to me for safety after you abandoned them."

Adam yelled out, "They abandoned me!" Rahab cackled, "Your insecurities are showing, little man! Lilith and Eve left you so you made a cult of female angels! But even they realize how flawed you are!" Lute was overcome with rage, overpowering her fear as she growled, "Angels don't make mistakes! And neither does Adam!" Rahab wryly noted, "Cain and Abel ringing any bells?" Adam growled, "Don't bring my kids into this!" Rahab then said, "Yeah, I can see why Cain is such a jerk. As Jen would say, #baddad." Adam's ego couldn't find a specific insult or comeback so he just yelled, "I'm the First Man!" Rahab snarked, "Yeah, so you're the first draft. And belive you me, a first draft is rarely as good as the finished product. You're basic, buddy."

A hard rock tune began as Rahab began to sing.

I'm seething with rage at this angelic plague,

Your decree is an endless charade.

Trapped in a dark nightmare of disdain,

Stripped of humanity, only fury remains.

No voice to console, no empathy near,

Just robotic loops and mechanical sneer.

He pointed to the first man and sang.

Hey, Adam, do you even comprehend?

Your Exterminations are a travesty, driving souls their end.

I'm ablaze with your indifference, scorched by neglect,

In this unholy purgatory, respect is wrecked.

Adam was angry, but Rahab knew he wasn't physically there and continued,

Twice we've reached out; your silence reeks of cowardice,

In this wasteland, we're collateral damage to your bliss.

Your girl are inept, pitiful little clowns,

In this urban madness, empathy drowns.

No solution forthcoming, just empty replies,

Your silence deceives, masking your lies.

He decided to channel some of his power, to really get the point across. The Heaven Embassy slowly started to vanish, a wasteland replacing it.

She even sought you out, desperate for a sign,

But your arrogance is glaring, wrapped in silence divine.

Your apathy echoes, your neglect spreads disease,

In this ruthless empire, it's sinners you seize.

We plead for humanity, but receive cold disdain,

Left voiceless, unheard, bearing unholy pain.

Visions of all those Adam and the Exorcists slaughtered came to be and sang alongside Rahab.

We're more than mere numbers, not faceless statistics,

We're voices of wrath, and our words are ballistic.

Your exorcists won't suffice, they're devoid of insight,

In moments of chaos, it's humanity we incite.

Our patience now shattered, tolerance worn thin,

A battle is rising; let human touch win.

Rahab let the illusion fade as he finished the song.

Here's my furious demand, aimed straight at your throne,

Restore genuine service, let humanity be known.

For without empathy, without compassion's command,

Your host perishes, lost in this barren land.

Wake up to the fury, let awareness ignite,

Return human respect, restore what is right.

Rahab then grabbed Adam, forcing him into hell for a chokehold and he spoke his promise, for it wasn't a threat, not really. To rattle the lame brain even further he let his real voice slip out, "In six months' time, if you and your accursed hosts of pigeons dare to descend, I will unleash a reckoning unlike any Hell has seen before. You will be annihilated, you dirty little man." Rahab turned on his heel and stormed out to comfort his niece.


Charlie was outside the embassy crying, and Rahab immediately hugged her. Charlie whimpered, "I think I made them do that." Rahab was shocked and broke the hug to look in Charlies eyes, "Don't." He coughed and forced the rage out of his voice before responding, "Don't you dare blame yourself for the actions of that pompous jerkass. I know for a fact that the only reason he's in heaven is because he got grandfathered in."

Charlie smiled at her uncle as he continued, "Besides, he's far from the ultimate authority. I'm sure once we get in touch with a higher up they will fully support the hotel." Charlie smiled and Rahab said, "Now let's go back to the hotel and see how Vaggie is doing on the commercial." Charlie nodded and they both walked to the hotel.


As the two entered the Hotel Vaggie came to meet them, "Hey, how'd the meeting with Heaven go? Did they listen?" Rahab shook his head and Charlie sighed, "I don't want to talk about it Vags." Vaggie pulled Charlie over to the others, and said, "The new commercial's about to air, Alastor pulled some strings." Alastor nodded and said, "I pulled a few limbs too." He then chuckled as Angel Dust noted, "Yeah, one of my better performances if I say so myself."

Charlie started smile harder even as she teared up, "That's… That's amazing." Angel Dust shushed her and said, "Its starting." On the TV Vaggie was facing the camera, with Alastor not facing the camera, Husk drinking, Nifty frozen like had been before, Angel leering seductively, and Frenchie making a wave and a bow. Vaggie on the TV said, "Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel."

Whatever was to come next was cut off by a channel 666 breaking news bulletin. Angel Dust, Rahab, Vaggie, and Frenchy all vocally expressed their displeasure. Nifty meanwhile just clapped and giggled while Alastor and Husk were unbothered. Charlie emitted sounds that could only be described as angry princess noises while showing glimpses of her true form.

Katie Killjoy and Tom Trench were on the screen and Katie spoke, "Breaking news in Hell today! We have just received word from the Heaven Embassy that the next Extermination is happening sooner than ever before. Do you know what that means, Tom?" Tom blithely bantered back, "No, what does that mean, Katie?" Katie got close to the camera and said, "It means we're all royally fucked!" Her eye twitched noticeably as all of hell screamed in fear. The Clock Tower reduced to 176 days until the next extermination.

Rahab grabbed a root beer (the closest he would willingly get to alcohol that he was willing to consume), cracked it open, and began to chug it. He proceeded to do so with an entire twelve pack.

Author notes

Thanks to Siamesephoenix for betareading this and letting me use concepts of his. For instance, Nugaheem is his creation. Though in this AU its mostly used by demonic higher ups, and like the canon hellaverse English is the default language. Adamic is also his.

This story won't be following the canon storyline perfectly.

My depiction of the Envy Ring is heavily inspired/outright taken from Hazbin Hotel Journey To The Light

Levi has the voice of Merida from Brave

Heaven's army being robots is inspired by my original theory, back when I first discovered the pilot, that the exorcists were some form of robotic construct

The Kani-oni is a giant demonic stone crab theorized to cause earthquakes, and the Kurodama is a small spiky black sphere which hovers into people's bedrooms and sits on their chests to cause nightmares.

Truly and Verity manage Rahab's businesses that aren't Scorp-Corp, we already met them

Jenny is actually from Superia, Invidia, Ira; or at least the Tumblr of the creator (shamelessly taking her) She's the (former) general of the exorcist and current bodyguard for Rahab. We will see her soon. As in next episode soon.

Jenny is the strongest and smartest of all the exorcists, even more so than Lute and Vaggie. Unfortunately, she has the personality of Brad from have a nice death. You'll see what I mean when she debuts.

Fuse is a heavenborn with long red hair and a ballerina's poise and demeanor, each battle is a dance for her. Like most exorcists (including Jenny) she is a heavenborn. She also has acess to fire magic and was the demolitions expert of her squad. The thing is, you play with fire, you will get burned. And burn she did, she and her squad got hit by a satanic magma canon over Wrath and only she survived. Fuse was found by a family of Imps who mistook her for a demon, her weapon being a trident certainly helped. Rahab literally stumbled upon her.

This is a musical. But for the most part I'm using pre-existing songs. I don't particularly like happy day in hell or hell is forever, so I am not detailing them in this fic. I'm not cutting out all the Hazbin hotel songs, for Stayed Gone and Respectless are definitely staying.

The songs Rahab sings are modified from Hell by Squirrel Nut Zippers and Digital Disrespect by Synthberzerker

I plan on having Rahab sing why worry at some point. This note is more for me

Adam moving up the exterminations is not because of an angels death but because he is a sick bastard.

Rahab and Angel Dust will have a very antagonistic relationship for a while, as Rahab does not know what Angel is going through. He doesn't realize that Angel is being abused, because he doesn't use his potential Omniessence (knowledge of all things).