HQ, 1986
"I told you when you started that this job wasn't going to be easy and I meant it. So far you've been taking out targets, and terrorists, and gathering intel, and you've become a great agent." Ethan nods proudly, tilting his head slightly. "Is that a compliment?" Gabriel sighs, "Don't get used to it." Ethan grins back, "No, of course not."
"This assignment isn't what you're used to. CIA believes that" he hands Ethan a profile, "she has infiltrated a global intelligence network, and they want you to find out what her objective is." He nods, pensively. "Who's she working for?" Gabriel shrugs, "That's what you're going to find out."
"The CIA knows that I'm an agent, not a spy, right?"
"Yes, I mentioned that but they don't seem to care, besides, you're just as trained as a spy. Also, as good as you are at eliminating targets, I know you'd prefer this over that." Ethan hesitates. "Ethan, if you're not sure if you can do this, I can figure something else out for you-" Ethan quickly shakes his head, "No, no, I-it's fine, Sir. I'll figure it out." Ethan pauses, his drifting elsewhere. "Hey, you'll do fine, Ethan. You're very skilled in almost every aspect, including this. It's just about patience. Just take your time until you feel you've got something valuable. Trust your instincts, and you'll be good." Ethan relaxes a little. "Yes, Sir."
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Ethan finds his mind drifting away from the objective as he walks beside Marie, taking in the beautiful view of the lights bouncing off the water and engulfing them in a ripple of soft yellow light. It feels normal like he's a tourist being guided around to see everything with a friend.
He knows he should be focused on the assignment but he's finding it harder and harder as he gets to know Marie. She's nice. When he's with her, it's the only time he really feels normal, just another face in the crowd, not an agent, not a spy, not a killer, just an ordinary person hanging out with a friend. He finds himself dreading when it's over.
But he's not an ordinary person, he's a man on a mission, an agent, a killer, and he doesn't belong here amongst these alien people. More and more, he's starting to wish he could be a regular person but he knows that's not possible. "Ya' know, when I first saw you wandering around, you what I thought?" Ethan shrugs, "What?" Marie smiles warmly. "I thought, that guy seems kinda weird, wonder what's up with him?" Ethan chuckles, "To be fair, I am kinda weird."
"Come on, you're not alone, I'm weird too." He smiles and stops to look at her properly. "You're not weird." They're standing together on a bridge, and the water's still. "You don't have to be nice about it, it's fine, I can take it."
"No really. You're nice….And maybe a little weird too." They both laugh as they look out at the shimmering water. You're not alone. He wishes that was true.
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"Ethan, what's on your mind?" Ethan's not sure how to answer that because Gabriel's not going to like the answer one bit. So, he says nothing. Gabriel sighs and leans forward in his chair, gaze narrowing at Ethan who doesn't realize he's his gaze keeps falling on anything that's not Gabriel. "Ethan…"
He knows he can't just lie because as good as he is at it, Gabriel's the one who taught him. Gabriel's taught him everything he knows now, so lying isn't an option. "I-It's not-It's nothing I can't handle, Sir."
"I'm sure you can, but you don't have to. I've always told you how important it is to compartmentalize and it's true. But every once in a while, it is important to talk about it. If you don't, it'll distract you." He's right. "I just-I'm finding it hard to believe that Marie's infiltrated the CIA or is even a part of any organization at all. I-I know what I'm supposed to do. It's just….." To his surprise, Gabriel shows no sign of annoyance, but he seems sympathetic.
"It doesn't feel right to you." Ethan nods. "It doesn't….." Gabriel's still not mad in the slightest and it's starting to concern Ethan. "This job requires people who can make the hard choices, to do morally questionable things for the greater good, and it's not always an easy choice. Killing terrorists is one thing, you know who they are, what they've done, and then there's these kinds of assignments. It's hard when you don't know who you're target is. You don't what the right choice is and you're afraid of killing an innocent person. And that's fair. But as I said, trust your instincts. If you really don't find any evidence and you don't think the CIA's accusations are true, then be honest. I trust you to make the right decision."
That night, Marie's dead.
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The first agent Ethan loses under his watch is after he joins the IMF, her name is Lindsey Farris.
The agent he's sent to save. Am I ready? That's what she asks him before she leaves. He says yes, he should have said no.
And not even a day later he gets a visit from John Musgrave at a convenience store. Linsey has been kidnapped by a man named Owen Davian for unknown reasons. He accepts the mission of course.
That night he, Luther, Jack, and Hannah are infuriating a factory in Berlin. They manage to get Lindsey out and on the helicopter safely but Ethan never should have lowered his guard. Linsey keeps telling him there's something in her head and thanks to a thermal metal detector he finds what it is. A microscopic explosive that's about a minute from detonating and doing God knows what to her head.
His only idea is to use a defibrillator to try and short out the device, which will result in her heart stopping, and then he can use the defibrillator again to bring her back. But it needs thirty seconds to charge.
It's one of the longest thirty seconds in his life as his eyes keep moving from Lindsey looking to him for reassurance and then the time and back again. There are five seconds when she smiles at him, "Ethan, thank you, I-"
And that's it. He's one second too late as Linsey's lifeless eyes are staring at him, teasing him even. It's an image that's forever ingrained in his mind.
It does teach him something. It's brutal and cruel. One second makes all the difference in the world, in life and death.
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And then it's Alan Hunley who's staring at him as his knife wound oozes and lets some blood slip out of his mouth. Huntley is wheezing and Ethan can hear his lungs starting to drown in his own blood. Huntley knows it too.
Luther's kneeling next to him now. "I tagged Walker but he's on the run, you gotta get 'em." Ethan doesn't want to leave Huntley, not that he needs him. But as Huntley lifts his hand to Ethan's shoulder he remembers what Huntley told him before. "Some flaw in your core being won't allow you to choose between one life and millions. To me, that's your greatest strength, which is why I know I can count on you."
Huntley's looking into his eyes through his own tears and Ethan softens the pressure on Huntley's wound. He can see in his eyes now. Huntley wants him to go. To, just this once, value millions of others rather than just one. Rather than him. And it does feel right this time.
"Sir?" Huntley gasps quietly before he talks. "….Go…." Ethan breathes, trying to lift the pressure off his heart. "I'm sorry, Sir." The last words Huntley wheezes out are short and simple, "Go….Go…." And this time he listens.
--
Now the cycle is repeating and there's nothing Ethan can do to stop it.
