Chapter 17
In the weeks leading up to the winter benefit, Rachel met up with Jesse and Ashely a lot. They are signing a small group number together each night of the benefit and spend time rehearsing together. Getting to sing together again is fun for all of them. They mostly meet up at her apartment since she has a soundproof music room and she can't travel much. However, closer to the benefit, they were able to use the actual stage to practice together a couple times. The first time Rachel walked onto the stage and looked out at the empty theater, she felt tears prick the backs of her eyes. She had to swallow down a wave of emotion. Jesse wrapped an arm around her shoulders.
"You've really missed it, huh."
"Well duh, it's her calling." Ashely chimed in, making them laugh.
By the time the winter benefit rolls around, Rachel is even more excited. She feels better this year at it than she did the last year and is hoping to stay longer. Just the knowledge that she gets to sing on a stage once more has her bouncing excitedly. She happily greets Jesse, April, Ashely, and the other performers when she arrives. Jesse kisses her cheek before going out on stage to introduce her.
"We have a very special performer here with us tonight. Please welcome back to the stage, Rachel Hudson!"
Immediately there is strong, enthusiastic applause. Rachel walks out to join him while smiling widely. The applause continues while she hugs Jesse. He kisses her cheek and exits the stage, leaving her alone. Mostly. Yero came out with her and leans against her leg. She's nervous because she's "due" for a moderate attack. But with how random they've been, she can't truly predict it. She just knows it's been a while. She pushes that thought to the back of her mind, trusting Yero to alert her if necessary.
"God, it's good to be back. And look!" Rachel points to her head. "Hair!"
The audience laughs, cheers, and applauds while she beams. As they calm down, she sits on the stool that had been set out for her.
"It really is great to be back. I haven't been on a stage in a year. Last year at this event, actually. I got worse after that and dropped to stage four, and spent months in the hospital. I had a bone marrow transplant, donated by my cousin Oliver who is here tonight. It took a long time, but I finally started getting better. I'm stage two. A low stage two, but it's still stage two." She hesitates, then decides to be honest. "Now, you're going to have to be kind. I had a different sort of scare after being discharged from the hospital. I couldn't sing. It was horrific and terrifying. But with rest, vocal warm ups, and a whole vocal routine designed to help me find and strengthen my voice again, it returned. We think I just started singing too much too soon without warming up and that temporarily messed up my vocal cords, but it scared the crap out of me so I stopped singing for a while. It's back and I'm relieved and thrilled. But this is my first time performing not just in a year, but since regaining the use of my voice. If my voice cracks, I apologize. I don't expect it to, my training has been going well, but figured I'd warn you just in case it happens. Still, even though I don't expect any problems, I'm going to start with an easy song. Nothing big."
Rachel sings "River". She adds a wistful feel to it and receives strong applause. She can't hep but laugh when she sees her mom and Oliver giving her a standing ovation. She releases a soft breath and revels in the feeling of having performed well on a stage for an audience. She's missed this. She leaves the stage to allow the next performer to come up. She'd agreed ahead of time with Jesse that she'd sing at least one solo and at least one duet or small group number each night. And, assuming she felt up to it, she'd participate in the group finale each night. They planned for her to sing more songs, but have other performers willing to sing more songs in case she doesn't feel up to it.
This year, the original New Directions do not join her on stage. It makes her a little sad, but she knows she'll get to sing with all of them at the benefit in June. Still, she asked Finn if he'd be okay with singing a duet with her and he easily agreed. They rehearsed for the weeks leading up to the benefit to make sure he was comfortable and ready. She thought it was adorable that Finn worried about letting her down by not singing as well as the other stars on stage with her. Her heart melted, then she insisted his voice is perfect and a perfect blend with hers. Rachel and Finn sing "Christmas Eve With You" as a very sweet duet. She also did a group number with Jesse and Ashley. They sang the upbeat "What Christmas Means to Me" together, which was a lot of fun and a big hit. Those were the only three songs she sang the first night, before joining all the stars for the finale for "We Wish You A Merry Christmas". It's been a long time since she sung with other Broadway stars and she greatly enjoys it. She gets to belt and let her voice harmonize with other incredible voices. It feels magical and absolutely thrills her. The group gets a standing ovation. She goes home on cloud nine.
Rachel went straight home after the finale and was too tired for discussing the show with Oliver. She slept late into the next day, exhausted from singing so much on that level. She sings a lot at home, but it's not the same. It's not a professional performance. Performing takes more out of her because she puts more of herself into it. When she finally got up, she happily listened to Oliver yammer on about his thoughts on the show and how great she was. She's glad he was able to come. As the day goes on, a headache begins. Unwilling to miss the second night over a stupid headache, she takes a strong pain pill shortly before heading to the theater. Finn pulls her aside before she could go backstage.
"If your headache comes back or you start not feeling well—"
"I'll ask you to take me home. I promise. Just like I did last year."
She kisses him and he heads to his seat with her mother, cousin, and brothers. They open the show with a group number "It's The Most Wonderful Time of the Year". After which, Rachel sings the first solo of the night. She sings "Do You Hear What I Hear" and receives a standing ovation. Again, she is overcome with the joy of singing on stage for an audience and earning a standing ovation. It feels so good to belt and hold high notes and let her voice fill a theater. It thrills her. She prays she goes into remission quickly and can return to this life. This is what she was born to do. She hangs out with other performers in the back and chats happily while waiting for her next performance. Talking to April always has her laughing. The woman is hysterical. The next time she goes on stage she sings the other song that she, Jesse and Ashely had been practicing. They sing "Over the River" in three part harmony that is a big hit and a lot of fun to sing. Backstage she laughs and jokes around with other stars. It's a nice way to get to know other Broadway stars. She goes back out for her next solo. This one is more emotional than the others.
"I chose this song specifically for this benefit. We're raising money for a cure for aplastic anemia and I am so grateful for anything you are able to donate. This song is about ending wars and suffering, but fighting any life threatening illness is in itself its own war. And there is suffering. Trust me." She gives a humorless laugh, then clears her throat. "I just wanted to make sure I said thank you and also drill in the importance of this benefit. It may not be the original meaning of the song, but it's close enough that it works."
She settles on her stool, pets Yero, and nods for the music to begin.
"Do you remember me
I sat upon your knee
I wrote to you
With childhood fantasies
Well, I'm all grown up now
And still need help somehow
I'm not a child
But my heart still can dream
So here's my lifelong wish
My grown-up Christmas list
Not for myself
But for a world in need
No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
And everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end
This is my grown-up Christmas list
As children, we believed
The grandest sight to see
Was something lovely
Wrapped beneath our tree
But heaven only knows
That packages and bows
Can never heal
A hurting human soul
No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
And everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end
This is my grown-up Christmas list"
Belting out the chorus with emotion filling her feels good. She knows that for some, love never ends. Her parents love for her and hers for them. The love between her and Finn. And her and Kurt. Even the love between her chosen family. That is love that will never end. Aplastic anemia tears lives apart, just as wars and any other life threatening illness. But that can end. They can put an end to it with a cure. Rachel does her best to move them with her song and her voice, urging them to donate more.
"What is this illusion called the innocence of youth
Maybe only in our blind belief
Can we ever find the truth
No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
And every—"
Yero suddenly stands and barks, jumping up to put his front paws on her lap. Rachel stops singing, her heart jumping to her throat. Shit. After a confused moment, the music stops. Rachel glances at the wary audience.
"Uh, sorry." She stands. "As much as I hate to cut this short, Yero is alerting me that an attack is about to hit, so I'm gonna head out of here. It's been fun!" Yero whines at her, tugging at her dress. "I know, boy. I'm going."
She hurries towards the side of the stage as fast as she can without running. Yero hurries beside her, staying close and not taking his eyes off of her. She ignores the murmurs from the audience. She sees a couple people in the audience begin to stand and assumes its her family coming to her aid. At least that's what she hopes. A wave of dizziness hits her at the same moment needles pierce her chest. Almost there. She can see the stage hands watching from off stage worriedly and uncertainly. They're only a few feet away. She's so close to getting off the stage. Her legs start to buckle and her vision swims. The thudding of feet rush up to her and suddenly someone's arms are around her, catching her as she falls. Strong arms sweep her up off her feet.
"I've got you." A familiar voice murmurs, adjusting her in his arms.
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The moment Yero jerked to his feet and barked, Finn was standing. It only took a couple seconds to confirm that Yero was alerting Rachel to an incoming attack. His head swivels around and he looks for the fastest way to get to Rachel.
"I've got her, Mom." He tells his worried mother-in-law as he leaves their row.
She nods but her eyes don't leave her daughter. Finn heads for the side door while Rachel finishes explaining to the audience why she stopped singing. He groans in annoyance. She should have just left the stage and skipped the explanation. She's wasting time.
"—It's been fun!" He can't help but snort at that.
He keeps one eye on her as he reaches the nearest side door. The moment she falters he switches direction. Nothing can delay him from getting to his wife. He heads for the stage, not caring if he gets in trouble for this or makes a scene. Her legs buckle and the audience gasps. Finn grabs the edge of the stage and in a combo move from lower and upper body, manages to launch himself onto the stage, even knowing he'll be too late to catch her. Jesse comes flying out of nowhere and catches her. Finn sprints across the stage to them as Jesse lifts her into his arms and carries her the final few steps off the stage. He catches up to them seconds after they get side stage and out of view of the audience. Jesse starts to set her down on the ground but Finn stops him.
"Can you get her to a nearby room? For privacy and in case we need an ambulance?" He asks quickly.
"Yeah. Mine. This way."
Rachel is gasping for breath and moaning in pain, her face pinched. They pass other performers and stagehands who look on in concern. Finn sees Jesse's door and runs ahead to open it. Once they're in the room Finn takes his wife from Jesse's arms and sits on the floor. He cradles her, holding her steady and secure. Yero settles on her lower half as usual.
"Breathe, Rach." He says urgently, feeling her chest heave as it struggles to take in air through the pain. He looks up at Jesse. "Her oxygen tank is in her room."
Jesse takes off at a run. Ashely and April come in and kneel beside them.
"What can we do?"
"Unfortunately nothing. It's up to her to keep breathing. It'll be up to us to do CPR if she doesn't." He hasn't had to do CPR on her in months and hopes he never has to again.
They each take one of her hands, letting her squeeze them as she fights to breathe through the pain. Finn drops a kiss to her head and murmurs encouragements. No matter how many times he's seen her suffer through these, they're always hard watch. He hates knowing she still suffers, even if its just for a couple minutes. Jesse jogs back into the room with the travel tank and hands it over. Finn puts the nasal cannula on her and turns it on.
"You should head back out and let the audience know she's okay." Finn tells Jesse. "Let the show continue. I'm taking her home as soon as this ends."
"I'll go call for a taxi for you." April says, getting up.
"I'll go talk to the audience." Jesse agrees.
"I'll stay." Ashely offers.
The attack is just ending when Shelby, Oliver, Kurt, and Blaine enter the room with worried frowns. They thank Ashley and she gracefully backs out. She's supposed to perform soon anyway. Shelby settles next to them and runs an hand through Rachel's short hair. Rachel's breathing is raspy and weak and she's pale, only barely clinging to consciousness.
"I hate this."
"We all do."
"And this won't be forever." Kurt says. "She'll go into remission."
"Yeah, but when?" Oliver asks.
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Jesse walks back out on stage to calm the audience down and reassure them. He could hear their talking the moment he left his room. His head is buzzing. He can count on one hand the number of moderate attacks he has seen in person. Seeing it is….hard. He puts on a smile and holds out his hands. They immediately quiet down.
"Well, we know that Rachel Hudson is incredibly talented." They clap at that, fully agreeing. "We also know she is incredibly strong and brave for going through Danton's aplastic anemia for so long." More clapping. "But she just proved how incredible her timing is. Think about it; she's singing a song about wanting to end pain and suffering for all, at a benefit to raise money for a cure for an illness that causes pain and suffering to many, an illness she herself has, and she gets an attack in the middle of it, showing just how much pain and suffering people with Danton's aplastic anemia go through. Impeccable timing. What a performer!" He grins.
The audience chuckles. "Seriously though, she's okay. It was a moderate attack, not a severe one thankfully. The attack ended and she's resting. Her family is going to take her home so she can rest more comfortably. She's disappointed she didn't get to finish the song and won't be here to sing the finale, but we can appreciate that she was able to sing several songs for us tonight. And this is why we're having this benefit. We need a cure so she can be healthy and not suffer anymore. And so that we can have her back on the stage performing full time where she belongs!"
He lets the applause for her go on for a moment before announcing the next performer.
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Jesse, Ashely, and even April come over the next day to check on her. She's better, which they expected, but are still relieved to see in person. They chat about how well the performance went and the great feedback they got. Jesse revealed just how much money they made and they celebrated together, impressed that they made even more than last year. And they expect to make even more once they start selling the CDs of the recording of the night, just as they did last year. Of course, Jesse has to tease her over the fact that her last song will have to be cut short. She rolls her eyes but part of her does feel awkward about it. April is wise enough and kind enough to ask Rachel if she wants the song to end where she stopped singing or cut it earlier. They discuss it and decide to cut the song off after the last chorus she sings.
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Rachel almost asked to celebrate her birthday at a restaurant. Worried about the possibility of an attack or any of her symptoms striking, she decided not to. She also almost asked to go back to Ohio for it. Again, she decided against it. She'll see them again soon enough. Her parents are coming to her for the start of Hanukkah. She and Noah have developed their own little Hanukkah tradition since moving to New York, with others participating if they're able to. Even his younger stepbrother sometimes joins them. Every night of it, other than the first and last, the Hudsons get together with Noah and they celebrate together. Rachel likes that Quinn joins them every night now, too. She really thinks they'll be getting engaged soon and can't wait. She's been talking to Tina through FaceTime a lot as her friend plans her wedding. She and Mike are tying the knot in the spring. Rachel is thrilled to be able to help Tina make some decisions for her wedding and even more thrilled to know she'll most likely be in even better shape and be able to go to the wedding. She remembers being in the hospital when they announced their engagement and how she was both excited for them and a little worried she wouldn't be around for their wedding. Now there's a very good chance she will be and she's thrilled. It makes her wonder if Noah has put off proposing to Quinn for a similar reason. She shakes that thought away, acknowledging that it's a fairly self-centered thought. Her friends don't have to put their lives on hold because of her health and she wouldn't want them to. They sort of have been as they've been by her side through this.
Five days before her birthday Rachel develops a fever. She's done well with not really getting sick because she's had limited visitors (and generally the same visitors repeatedly) who take care of themselves for their sakes and for hers. She doesn't go out much. She keeps her home clean. Rachel supposes with Finn being back to work, and at a school, it was inevitable that he'd accidentally pass something to her. He felt awful but she insisted it wasn't his fault. She was bedridden until the day before her birthday, stricken with a high fever, headache, congestion, and a cough. Thankfully it never got bad enough that she needed to go to the hospital. Still, Finn called Dr. McCann and the doctor called in some stronger medications for her to help her fight it off and feel better. Finn took off work to care for her, not caring if his job got mad at him. Well, he started off doing that. Once her mom found out she was sick, she offered to come and help.
Her mom flew up three days before her birthday and stayed to help take care of her. Rachel mostly slept. She hated when she'd wake herself up coughing or struggle to fall asleep because of the congestion making it hard for her to breathe through her nose. The medications helped but sleep helped best. Her mom made her soup and kept her hydrated. It was nice just hanging out with her mom, even if she was mostly sleeping. Her fever broke the day before her birthday. Most of her congestion was gone by then, too.
On her birthday, a Sunday, Rachel was feeling better but still felt drained from being so sick. She was really glad she didn't make either of her requests. They stayed in for the day and lounged around together, her, her husband, and her mother. It'd be nice to see other people, but having been sick, and still stage two, it makes getting together or travel difficult for her. Rachel focuses on enjoying unexpected time with her mom. Her mom even made her favorite omelette for breakfast. After a late breakfast, the three went to the music room to sing for a while before relaxing in the living room.
"Twenty-five." Her mom says proudly.
Rachel almost makes a sarcastic comment but swallows it down. She does understand that this is in fact a big milestone for her. She's lived to be 25. After nearly dying at 16. Then again multiple times over the following years, including just a few months ago. That gives Rachel pause. Just a few months ago there was a possibility she wasn't going to make it. Now she's 25 and on the road to recovery. It is a pretty big deal and something to celebrate. She survived. Longer than expected. Instead of being sarcastic, Rachel responds with a mild quip.
"A quarter of a century."
The other two chuckle. "I'm still rooting for a century." Finn tells her.
She grins at him. They both know the odds of her living that long are very low. She has no shot of living that long. But maybe she could get close. For some reason, the thought of her living long enough to be a gray, wrinkly old woman amuses her. Her mom grabs her purse and puts on her coat.
"I'm gonna swing down to the coffee shop. I'm craving one of their specialty coffees. Something with caramel. Do either of you want anything while I'm there?"
"No, I'm good. But thanks." Rachel replies.
Finn says the same then goes to work on fixing their leaky faucet in the bathroom. It's a minor thing but he doesn't get to work with tools often anymore and she knows he misses it. Any little thing that goes wrong or breaks in their apartment he insists on fixing himself. Same for Kurt and Blaine's apartment. The others are happy enough to let him fix it, so they don't bother the super about anything. Rachel likes watching him work with tools. It's sexier when he works on cars and gets all greasy, but this is nice too. She follows him into the bathroom and watches him work. Seeing all of the beauty products he had to move out of the way to get to the pipes in the cabinet makes her cringe. She hasn't used any of them in a very long time. She goes through them, debating if there are any she can just get rid of. She tosses a few then is distracted by her phone ringing. She answers it as she leaves the bathroom.
"Hi, Kurt."
"Hey! Happy Birthday, Tink!"
"Thanks. Any reason you couldn't come up here and say that directly to me?"
He normally comes over randomly whenever he wants. For him to not come at all on her birthday is a little odd. Then again, she has been sick. Maybe he just doesn't want to catch it or spread more germs to her.
"I figured you were still resting!" He defends himself.
She'd buy that except she has woken up numerous times to him sitting by her while she sleeps or even curled up with her. Deciding it's not worth arguing about over the phone, she lets it go.
"Fine. What's up?"
"I'm redecorating the bathroom and wanted to get your opinion." He says excitedly. "Can you come down and take a look?"
"Sure. Want me to come now?"
"If you're up for it."
"I'll be down there in like five minutes."
"See you then!"
Rachel puts the phone down and is glad she already got dressed for the day. She's gotten in the habit of wearing lounge clothes every day, but decided to dress in normal clothes on her birthday in case anyone came over. While she doesn't mind wearing lounge clothes just to go down a floor to Kurt and Blaine's apartment, she does prefer wearing actual clothes any time she leaves the apartment.
"Who was that?"
"Kurt. He wants me down there to help him redecorate. Wanna come?"
"Sure. This is finished. All I had to do was tighten it and it stopped leaking."
They slip on shoes and take the elevator down to the floor below. Finn gets a text and hangs back to read it so Rachel leaves him to it and enters the apartment alone. It's weirdly quiet. Normally they have music playing.
"Kurt?"
Figuring he's in the bathroom waiting on her, she heads in that direction. The moment she walks into the living room a blast of noise has her stumbling back.
"SURPRISE!"
All four of her parents, all of her New York family, plus Mike and Tina, are present and smiling widely at her. Artie is recording the event, of course. Once she picks her jaw up off the floor she begins to laugh. Of course they'd make a big deal over her living to be 25. She makes her rounds, hugging everyone and thanking them all for coming.
"The Corcorans and Winters wanted to come, but couldn't really do it. Especially on a Sunday." Her mom tells her. "They said they'd call or text, though."
"They did, yeah. I spoke to all of them today." Rachel confirms. "How did you keep this from me?"
"Easily." Her mom laughs. "Especially since you fell sick so soon after your moderate attack. I was coming anyway, so once your fever struck I wanted to come and help out. Plus if you weren't better by your birthday and we had to call this off, I'd still be able to be here with you on your birthday."
"Thanks, Mom."
Since she's stage two, and still recovering from her fever and cough, Rachel spends most of her party sitting on the couch with her guests rotating to spend time with her. It makes her think of their birthdays. While this is special because she lived when it wasn't certain, she feels a little better remembering that they all get together for everyone's birthdays (minus parents, normally). Those who had birthdays while she was in the hospital came to her instead, but at least she knows she got to celebrate everyone's birthday and while they might be making a slightly bigger deal out of hers than theirs, everyone got some love and attention on their own birthdays.
They ordered food from a nearby restaurant and had it catered, so everyone was well fed. She even got a video call from Mercedes. Blaine even pulled out his karaoke machine and they had fun singing casually. The party was a lot of fun, though she hated how tired she was by the end of it. She thanked everyone for coming again and hugged them all goodbye. Rachel leaned on Finn for the walk up to their apartment and was asleep the moment her head hit her pillow.
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Her mom and Scott stay for the first day of Hanukkah since it's only two days away, where they also invite Noah and Quinn. They enjoy a nice night together. The parents head home. Each night of Hanukkah the Hudson's get together with Noah and Quinn and they celebrate together. It's warm and fun and makes Rachel itch to ask Noah when he's gonna pop the question. Finn keeps lightly pinching her to stop her whenever she thinks of asking. It's like he has a sixth sense for when she's going to ask. She pouts but doesn't argue. This year, the last night of Hanukkah is so close to Christmas Eve that her family decides to hold off the family celebration just two days so that everyone can get together for it. They fly to Ohio and spent the final night with the Corcorans and Winters and Matthews. Abby brought her fiancé for everyone to meet and Tyler brought his girlfriend. It was Rachel's first time meeting either. Abby's fiancé was going to come to Thanksgiving but ended up having a family situation to deal with.
"Just to let you know, a pixie cut is not a good look for you." Tyler's girlfriend tells her at one point. "You'd look better with longer hair."
Rachel blinks in surprise and her mouth falls open. Tyler looks mortified and everyone else looks annoyed. Tyler mumbles an apology to her and grabs Tiffany's arm, leading her away from everyone else to talk privately. Everyone else looks to Rachel for her reaction. She shrugs awkwardly.
"I don't disagree."
Finn kisses her. "You're gorgeous, babe."
"But I will keep growing my hair out. It's a long pixie at this point. It's gonna look weird for a while until it gets a little longer."
"I don't care about your hair."
"No one does." Nana says with a frown.
"I'm just glad to have hair again." Rachel says with a grin.
Dylan grins back. "Better to have short hair that you can grow out than to be a bitch that no one can stand."
"Dylan!" Aunt Amy snaps. Then she seems to think better of it and backs off. "You're not wrong but use better language, please."
The others chuckles and Rachel winks at Dylan, making him grin. When Tyler and Tiffany rejoin them a little later, Tiffany has big eyes and stammers out an apology that Rachel waves off.
"You couldn't have known."
"But you could have kept your opinion to yourself." Her mom comments icily.
"Mom." Rachel hisses.
Her mom shrugs indifferently. Mama bear has been awoken and now every time Tiffany opens her mouth or even looks Rachel's way Shelby snaps her icy gaze to the younger woman. They're all relieved when Tiffany leaves.
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Christmas is spent with the Hummels and was a very fun but relaxing day. Rachel is relieved to be in Ohio for it this year and to be feeling better. In the morning when opening presents, Kurt teases her, asking if she's going to ruin it again. She throws some wadded up wrapping paper at him while the parents berate him for not being funny. As Rachel cuddles into Finn's side on the couch she watches the rest of her family laugh and talk around the Christmas tree and smiles happily, feeling warm and loved. She looks up at her husband's happy face and thinks about the future. Maybe in a year or two they'll have a baby with them at Christmas. That'd make the holidays even better. The thought makes her heart want to burst. Then the reality of her health being uncertain and the possibility of not being able to get pregnant after all she's been through hits her and the warm feeling dissipates, leaving a cold weight in her gut.
"Hey." Finn whispers in her ear. "What's wrong?"
She looks up at him and sees the concern in his eyes. "Just thinking about the future."
"You're getting better."
"I know. I am. But I was thinking about the possibility of us having kids. Celebrating the holidays with our children."
"It could still happen. Just not as soon as we'd hoped. That's all."
"And if it doesn't happen?"
"Then we continue to enjoy our lives together and our family as it is."
She nods in acceptance of this, not thrilled but knowing he's right and there's nothing else they can do but wait and see and deal with whatever happens…or doesn't happen.
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New Years is spent in New York. Rachel had wanted to spend it in Ohio, but Finn has to be at work on the 2nd, not giving them a lot of time to get home and prepare for returning to work. Her parents offer to let her stay longer and one of them will take her home a few days later. Rachel almost took them up on it, but she caught the look Finn didn't hide fast enough. He'd rather she not be so far from him and she understands. She's getting better but she's still very sick. If god forbid something were to happen, he'd have to travel all the way back to Ohio to be with her. Instead, Rachel graciously declines their offer.
They fall back into their normal routine of Finn working and Rachel working on her music while spending time with whoever is there to stay with her. Initially she'd felt bad that their lives are still revolving around her and her health; someone always has to be with her, she can't be left alone. However, each of them made it clear in their own way that they've not only gotten used to staying with her so often, but have found they prefer it.
"I mean, what's the alternative? I work from home alone and be bored? I go into the office to work and have to deal with annoying coworkers? Nah, this is so much better. I get to work and I get to hang out with my best friend." Santana said casually.
Kurt and Quinn could second that sentiment but for the others, they all have jobs that require them to be on site. Sam's paramedic job, Noah's pool cleaning, Brittany's dancing, Blaine's performing, and Artie's directing aren't things they can really do from home. That means for them, their time with her are days they should get "off" to be on their own. But those friends made it clear they don't mind at all. They get their errands done other days, they get their needed alone time, and they get to spend time with her. They also insist it's a win-win. While Rachel believes them, part of her also believes that the truth is they're just so happy she's alive and with them that if they compare having to spend a day off with her or spend the rest of their lives without her because she had died, they'd prefer this. Regardless, she feels better knowing they're all happy to pitch in and work out schedules that allow them to spend time with her. She actually prefers the days they swap out so she sees more than one person a day. She feels less like she's keeping them held hostage that way. They'd laughed when she admitted that to them.
She loves when Artie brings his laptop and shows her what he's been working on. Same with when Brittany brings videos of her performances or practices. She gets the most done when Blaine comes over and they work on her songs together. Kurt gives good feedback, too. Sometimes they head out into the city, but not often. Mostly because it's so cold out. But also because it's different heading to the store or movies in Lima than in New York. It's more difficult and takes longer. If something goes wrong, it's harder to deal with it out in the city. It's one of the few times Rachel wishes she lived in the suburbs again. She'd love to split the difference and find somewhere in or near the city with a more suburb feel. Then again, she loves that she's only a floor away from her brothers and only blocks away from everyone else. She loves spending time with all of them.
But she has to admit, her favorite times are when they go home and it's just her and Finn. Whether they're singing together, dancing, playing a game, watching tv, taking a walk, talking or even spending time near one another but doing their own things, she enjoys spending time with him. She also knows how much he enjoys the time with just her. It's like their time together recharges them. By Valentines Day, Rachel is still stage two but a higher stage two and feeling better than she has in a long time. She hates her hair right now because of it's awkward length. It's down to her cheekbones. She feels like there's nothing she can do with it. Since it's cold, she mostly wears a beanie. That helps cover up her hair and keep her warm. Then Finn announced he was taking her out for dinner to celebrate Valentines Day. She can't wear a beanie in a nice restaurant. As excited as she is to go out to an actual restaurant and not just the coffee shops and little sandwich shops she occasionally goes to with people on her rare occasions out of the apartment. An actual sit down, be waited on, nice restaurant where you have to dress nice. She has Kurt come over and help her do something with her hair so it doesn't look so ridiculous, despite Finn saying she's beautiful no matter what. Kurt and Rachel both waved him off and focused on fixing her awkward hair. Kurt manages to make it look nice enough that she's not embarrassed to go out somewhere nice.
They go to a restaurant they've been to before that's nice but not too fancy. Rachel insisted. God forbid she ends up having a moderate or severe attack or even just passing out from dizziness (which has happened a couple times in the past few months), she thinks the patrons of a less fancy restaurant will be less disgruntled. She hopes, at least. Right from the start it doesn't go as smoothly as she'd hoped.
"We don't allow pets." The host says snootily.
"Then it's a good thing we didn't bring a pet." Rachel responds icily. She hates when people are so ignorant they can't even read the "service animal" vest and understand what it means. Normally it results in people trying to pet him and she has to ask them (or tell them) to back up and let him do his job. Other times it's a situation like this. Finn puts a hand on the small of her back, silently warning her to stay calm.
"He's a service dog. He's providing a service." Finn says calmly but firmly. "He can't be barred from entry."
By now they have the attention of the other guests waiting to be seated. They're all watching the scene. Rachel forces herself to swallow down her irritation and remain calm. The host comes around his podium and looks more closely at Yero. Near them, a teenager standing with his parents scoffs.
"It clearly says 'service animal' on the vest. Pretty obvious he's a service dog."
While the boy's mother swats at his upper back, the father nods his agreement and mutters "He's not wrong" to his wife. "And they have to let a service animal in."
The woman sighs. "A little more decorum in a nice restaurant, please."
"Tell that to the ignorant host." The teen snarks. "And I didn't even want to come here. I wanted pizza."
The Hudsons, along with the others waiting to be seated, stifle smiles and chuckles. Not everyone, of course. The host has veins popping in his neck. He keeps glaring between Yero and Rachel. Rachel puts on a sweet smile, hoping to disarm the man and cool things down. With a jerky nod and very stiff posture, the host leads them to their table. Yero lays down on his stomach by Rachel's feet. He's right by her but out of the way of foot traffic.
"Have we ever brought Yero here before?" Finn asks as he picks up his menu.
"No. Last time we were here was before my relapse. But I didn't think it'd be an issue."
"It shouldn't have been." Startled, the couple looks up. An older man in a nice suit is standing by their table smiling kindly. "I'm the manager and I'd like to apologize for the hiccup with the host. Of course service animals are welcome in our establishment."
"Thank you."
"Does he require anything? A water bowl, perhaps?"
"Actually, that'd be wonderful. Thank you."
The manager bows and leaves. They peruse their menus and discuss what they might get. A couple minutes later a waiter brings a bowl of water and sets it on the floor by Yero. They fed him before going out, and he drank some water, but it's always nice to make sure he has enough water and can drink whenever he's thirsty. The waiter nods to them.
"For the gentleman—our finest still water, locally sourced, filtered three times, and taste tested by at least one sommelier with a tail."
"He does have discerning taste." Finn says with an amused look.
"Of course. One doesn't travel with a Broadway star unless one has good taste." The waiter responds without missing a beat.
"He's very selective about his company lately." Rachel adds in, equally amused. And flattered. She hasn't been on a real stage in a long time. To still be recognized like this, after all this time, boosts her ego.
"As are all seasoned performers. Which explains your excellent taste of choosing our fine establishment." He straightens and brushes imaginary lit from his jacket. "My name is Roger and I will be your server this evening. Unless, of course, you'd prefer someone with more….vocal range."
"Not necessary. No performance tonight, just carbs."
"A woman after my own heart. May I recommend the risotto? Or perhaps our crab cake? It won't sing, but it does hit all the right notes."
Finn and Rachel chuckle quietly, highly amused.
"I guess I'll go with the crab cake, then." Rachel says with a grin. "But I'd also like the four ounce filet mignon, medium rare."
He sniffs as he write it down. "The only proper way to get a filet mignon. For your vegetable?"
"The asparagus, please."
"We have a special tonight; we can add on crumbled walnuts and blue cheese to your asparagus. It is….wickedly…good."
Finn snorts and looks down, trying to cover his quiet laughter. Grinning, Rachel nods. "Sounds like a good fit for me."
"Indeed." Roger winks. "And for you, sir?"
"I'll have the 6 ounce filet mignon with shrimp. Also cooked medium rare. Green beans for my vegetable and a side of garlic mashed potatoes, please. And can we get a bottle of merlot?"
"Right away."
He heads off and the couple laughs.
"That's a lot of food for you." Finn grins at her.
She shrugs. While she has been eating more, she still struggles with not having much of an appetite. "This is a special occasion. I'll eat what I can tonight and the rest will make for a nice lunch tomorrow."
"And possibly the next day as well, knowing you."
They spend dinner eating slowly. They enjoy both the decadent food and their conversation. Rachel feels normal. She's out to dinner on Valentine's Day at a nice restaurant with her husband. They're dressed up and enjoying a nice evening out. She feels giddy, though that joy is tinged with nervousness. She rarely goes out and when she doesn't it's not far from home and not for long. Rachel does her best to push those concerns down and enjoy her time feeling normal. Finn helps by keeping the conversation going. If her hair was longer and Yero wasn't with them, it really would be a normal evening out. It feels good.
"Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine."
Rachel looks up at the man standing by their table. Paolo San Pablo. Her fellow star from Funny Girl. A grin stretches across her face. "Paolo!"
She instantly moves to get up and he offers her his hand like a gentleman. She takes his offered hand and instantly hugs him. He chuckles and hugs her back. "It's good to see you, Rachel."
"It's good to see you, too. You didn't make it to the benefit this year. Not judging, just commenting." She says, sitting back down.
"No, I was performing on the West End in London. I only just returned last month."
"That sounds wonderful, how was it?"
"Wonderful." He laughs. "But I did miss Broadway. And I was sorry to miss the benefit. You look good."
"I'm feeling pretty good." She smiles.
"Finn, good to you see you as well." He offers a hand to shake.
Finn shakes it with his own grin. "Good to see you, too."
"I'll let you two get back to your meal. I just didn't want to miss a chance to say hello. But hopefully our paths will cross again. Preferably on stage."
"I hope so."
He nods his farewells and returns to his own table with his wife, who waves to them from her seat. The Hudsons return it. Rachel happily talks about memories of performing with Paolo while Finn listens just as happily, occasionally chiming in with a few of his own memories. Finn clears off his plate, then begins trying to help Rachel clear off hers. Since she wants to have leftovers for tomorrow's lunch, she fights him off with her fork. They have a brief, playful, laugh-filled battle over the last half of her crab cake. The waiter collects their plates and boxes up Rachel's leftovers.
"Anything for dessert?"
Finn gives Rachel an inquisitive look. He knows she likes their tiramisu and they have a special Valentine's Day dessert they'd discussed sharing. Knowing Finn's sweet tooth, Rachel decides to go with the chocolate cake special. She doubts she'll be able to manage more than a bite, but they'll take the leftovers home and it'll make Finn happy.
"Yes. I believe we'll get—"
Yero lets out a quiet woof and sets his head on her lap. Pinpricks pierce her chest, cutting off the rest of her words. She sets the menu down and grips the edge of the table.
"Ma'am? Is everything all right?" The concerned waiter asks in a low voice worriedly.
Finn leans closer and examines her body language. He relaxes when he sees it's just a mild. Finn turns to the waiter. "She'll be alright in a moment. I'll just go ahead and order both things that we were discussing getting just to be safe. The tiramisu and your chocolate cake Valentine's Day special, please. But boxed up. I think we'll head home soon."
Still watching Rachel nervously, the waiter nods. "Very well." He hesitates to leave. "Do you…need anything else before I go?"
Rachel is finally able to release one hand from the table and lower it to pet Yero. She focuses on breathing through the last of the pain. Finn shakes his head.
"It'll be ending soon, but thank you."
Roger nods and with a final glance at Rachel, takes off. Finn reaches across the able and lays his hand as close to her as he can reach. She releases the edge of the table and moves her hand closer to his. He grasps it in his and squeezes gently.
"You good?" He asks gently.
"In a moment." She responds softly. What she has found is that while her moderate attacks seem to be slowing down, her milds are not. Also, she's finding that she's either a little winded or tired for a few minutes after the attack ends. That's new and unpleasant. But better than the alternative. She'll take these sort of worse milds over more frequent moderates. Dr. McCann already told them it's not surprising and not something to be concerned about unless they get even worse. Roger returns with their boxed desserts ready to go as well as their check. While Finn pays, Roger turns to Rachel.
"I thought you said you would not be performing this evening. And yet, that was a mini show you just put on." He teases gently.
"Not a planned performance. Nor one I like." She responds dryly.
"I can only imagine." He responds kindly. "I have taken the liberty of hailing a cab for you both. It's waiting outside."
"Thank you."
"Have a wonderful evening and do enjoy the rest of your Valentine's Day."
"Thank you, Roger. It's been a pleasure."
He nods to them and heads to another table. She turns to Finn. "You tipped him well, right?"
"Very well. We may have to stick to ramen and peanut butter and jelly for the rest of the week." He adds with a grin.
"Speak for yourself. I've got these awesome leftovers." She jiggles the boxes in front of her.
"Any plans to share with your lowly gym teacher husband?"
She smiles coyly. "Maybe."
Finn gets up first and offers her his hand. She accepts it and stands. Finn carries all of their leftover boxes while Rachel follows. She looks down when she realizes she forgot to grab Yero's leash. Yero is trotting beside her with his leash in his mouth. The moment he notices her watching him, he offers it to her, nudging it into her hand. She takes it and pets him. When they get home they unpack the food to put in the fridge.
"There's an extra box." Finn points out.
"Look inside."
He opens it and laughs. "I don't know if this is another apology for the host's behavior for if they just liked him."
"What?"
He tilts the box towards her so she can see inside. A bone and a note. "For a very good boy."
"Aaaww, Yero gets leftovers too!"
They give Yero the bone and he does his happy tippy toe dance before carrying it off to his bed to gnaw on it. Rachel turns to find Finn watching her with a smile.
"You look beautiful tonight."
"So you've said."
"Can I prove it?"
"Maybe." He immediately picks up her tone and frowns worriedly. She holds up a hand. "I'm just kind of tired. Let me get ready for bed and then we'll see. We might have to delay it until tomorrow."
"That's fine. But, uh, save the dress for last? Even if we don't have sex tonight, I've been imagining taking that dress off of you all night."
"Won't that fuel your fire?"
"Probably. I'm willing to risk it." Meaning he's willing to go solo if she falls asleep too fast. She rolls her eyes.
"Fine."
She brushes her hair and teeth and removes her makeup. She really is tired, but maybe she has enough energy for one slow round. When she exits the bathroom, Finn is standing there waiting for her. He has removed his shoes, socks, and jacket. He knows she likes removing his tie…..or using it to pull him down to her.
"A slow night?" She offers.
"We can wait." He insists.
She runs her hand down his chest. "A slow night. Once."
"How slow?" She loves his low his voice drops at times like this.
"A slow burn with a big finish." She smirks.
Finn puts his hand on the small of her back and pulls her closer. "You've got it."
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Rachel sets the glasses on the coffee table before getting comfy on the couch. Noah flips through some papers before picking up his legal pad and a pen.
"Okay, go!" She says excitedly.
Noah clears his throat. "Puck's Pools and Power Wash."
She nods slightly. "That's a contender."
He makes a note on his paper. "Crystal Clear by Puck."
"No."
He shakes his head but scratches it out. "Pucks Pool Pros."
Rachel thinks about it. "I like the alliteration. And it's straight to the point."
Noah grins and makes a mark on the paper by that name. "Pool Shark Cleaning."
"No. That sounds like a pool hall or billiards or whatever. Not swimming pool."
"Fair point." He mutters before scratching it off the list. "The Deep End Detailing."
"Again, some alliteration. I like it. But it's also not 100% clearly pool cleaning."
"Rach, Deep End implies pools!"
"Have you talked to many people here in New York? Not everyone has inferencing skills. But I suppose you're right. Mark it as a contender."
His lips quirk and his eyes jump to her before he reads the next one. Being familiar with that look, Rachel braces herself. "No Gunk With Puck."
She groans. "No. Seriously, Noah? That does not work."
"Maybe it could be my tagline, not my company name." He insists.
Rachel cringes. "What did Quinn say about it?"
He huffs. "Basically same as you. Finn liked it, though."
"Of course he did." She rolls her eyes. "Go on. Next one."
"Puck Off Dirt." He says with a tinge of his old teenage attitude.
Rachel bursts out laughing. It takes a minute before she can get control of herself. Noah sits back with a proud grin and waits. She wipes away a few errant tears and sits up straight, breathing hard. Noah's grin fades and he jerks his thumb towards her oxygen tank. She waves him off. She'll be fine in a moment. Only she's not. She keeps chuckling over the name, but not full on laughing, and yet can't seem to catch her breath. Another minute ticks by and her breathing is still strained. Accepting defeat, she points to the oxygen tank. Noah was already poised to get up, so he's off the couch and grabbing it in seconds.
"Sorry, babe." He says as he turns the tank on. "Didn't mean to have that much of an effect on you."
She adjusts the nasal cannula and breathes in blessed air. "Guess that means it's a good option." She says quietly.
She settles back on the couch and they sit quietly for a minute, letting her breathing get back to normal. She can't believe a little laughing fit threw her off so badly. Then again, she does need it from time to time. Not just after moderate attacks, but if she does any kind of exercise that's too much for her body she needs it. Feeling great the other day, she had jogged up the stairs from Kurt's apartment to hers rather than take the elevator. Kurt had followed and had been warning her to slow down. She'd laughed him off, feeling great. She hadn't even made it to the top before she'd been forced to slow down, feeling shaky and breathing hard. Kurt quickly wrapped an arm around her and helped her the rest of the way up, muttering curses and complaints under his breath. He got her to the couch and grabbed the oxygen tank for her. He waited silently for her breathing to improve before berating her for being so stupid. He'd only let up after tears welled in her eyes. She hadn't been crying because of him yelling at her. He was right, after all. She was crying because she was mad at herself. Mad that she let herself believe she was in better shape than she really was. Mad that she's still not in better shape. Mad that she's still too sick to just do what she wants, even when she feels good. Mad that her "good" still isn't a healthy person's "good" and she forgot that. She feels so much better than she has in months….and yet her better is still not technically "good". So she cried. Kurt sat on the couch and held her, singing softly and rubbing her back.
With extra oxygen, it doesn't take long for her to catch her breath, but she keeps the oxygen on just in case. She looks to Noah. "I think Puck Off Dirt could be better as a tagline. Where Dirt Can Puck Off or something. Under your company name."
"Huh." Noah considers it. "I like that idea. I really liked the name, but I also know it's not exactly a mature businessman's company name."
"So it works for you." She teases.
Noah hits her with a throw pillow. She grabs it and hugs it to her chest, sticking her tongue out at him. He chuckles. "Alright, I've got a few more. Ready?"
"Keep 'em coming. This is fun!"
Noah smiles at her eagerness. Not grins, smiles. When he announced to everyone at their family dinner last week that he finally had everything he needed to start his own company, their normal monthly family dinner became a celebration. Everyone was excited for him. He admitted he had some ideas for company names but didn't want to tell the whole group at once. He wanted to share them with people one on one to get their real, individual opinions before narrowing it down to just a few. From there he'd pick the final name. He started with Quinn, obviously. Then Finn. And now Rachel.
"Puckerman Pool Solutions."
"Mature. Professional. I like it."
"It's boring." He groans.
"But mature and professional."
"I know, that's why it's a contender."
"Clean Current Services."
"No. Boring and not clearly pool related."
"I do pools and hot tubs." He reminds her.
"It's your business, but I just don't think that name works."
"Honestly, I agree." He crosses it off. "AquaEdge by Puckerman."
"Um….maybe?"
"Precision Pool Care."
She tilts her head, thinking. "Puck's Precision Pool Care."
His eyes widen and he grins. "Nice!" He writes it down. "But I still have a lot of options left! This is becoming less fun and more aggravating as time goes on."
"It's only frustrating because you care so much. You're starting your own business and you want it to go well and that starts with a good name. I get how it's stressful, but it is fun, too."
"I suppose you're right." He sighs.
"Do you have any more?"
"Um, yeah."
She looks at him curiously. "What?"
"It's just….the rest of my ideas are like….a nod to our past."
"I'm even more intrigued."
"I like them because they're a nod to our past, but without knowing our past, they're not as good."
"See, you're already thinking like a business man. Let me hear 'em."
"Slushie Clean Pools."
She chuckles. "Because you were throwing slushies at people….like me….freshman year?"
"Yeah."
"I'd pass on that one."
"What about New Wave Pool Care? It's a nod to New Directions."
"Aaawww I like it!"
"I also had 'Pool Harmony', "Sectional Shine', 'Bad Boy Cleaning Co', and 'Mohawk Maintenance'."
"Hm. Not a fan of any of those. Plus you shaved off your Mohawk years ago. And I hate to break it to you, but you haven't been a bad boy in years."
He frowns. "I guess you're right."
"You still have a lot of options. Personally I'd go with something that clearly indicates pool cleaning, not just general cleaning. But that's just my two cents."
"Thanks, Rachel."
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Everything spins. Rachel takes slow, deep breaths. She can't close her eyes against the painful light because it makes the spinning worse. Sam dims the lights for her and she grunts her thanks. They'd been playing a video game together, laughing over how she's still terrible at these shooting games despite playing them on and off for years. She argued that she only ever started playing them out of sheer boredom while sick and not out of any real interest. So it makes sense she never got real good at it. He'd argued that she should have improved regardless. It'd been a fun, laugh filled morning until her migraine struck. Sam immediately shut off the game and went to get her pain pills. Now she's waiting for them to kick in. She curls into herself and does her best not to whimper. She's getting better. Her numbers are still climbing, even if slowly. She's near the top of stage two now. Moderate attacks are rare. Things are improving. When things like this happen, it's like taking two steps back and she hates it. Sam reaches around her and pulls her gently against his side, letting her snuggle into him. She feels him kiss the top of her head. Honestly, after this many years of close friendship, it's like she has four brothers, not two. And all four are ridiculously protective of her in their own ways.
Sam begins to whisper to her. "One day, I'm gonna be over here, and we'll be sitting just like this, and you'll be falling asleep on me, but the reason you'll be half asleep is because of the baby in the bassinet keeping you up all hours. I'll tell you to go to bed to nap and I'll watch them. You'll get the rest you need and I'll get to snuggle the baby. One day, Rach. This won't be forever."
Despite the pain in her head, her lips form a smile.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
The Hudsons head to Noah and Sam's apartment for dinner. Quinn practically lives there too, but not full time. Sam invited his current girlfriend, Chelsea. The only ones who haven't met her yet are the Hudsons, and Quinn jokes that it's the true test; do the best friends/siblings approve. Chelsea is tall and leggy, which Sam seems to like in a woman if previous girls are any indication. Rachel feels like a dwarf while being introduced to her.
"Just wondering, babe, are all your friends good looking?" Chelsea asks Sam, indicating the group. They all grin at that.
"Uh…..yeah. The ones from Ohio, at least. I'm still the hottest, right?" He asks jokingly, pretending to be worried.
"Of course." She kisses his cheek. "You and your trouty mouth."
The others burst out laughing. "I see you've met Santana." Rachel comments.
"I did. She's sharp."
"That's the nicest way to describe Santana." Finn acknowledges with a smirk.
Conversation flows between them easily. Chelsea is a nurse, which is how they met. They bumped into each other enough times at work that he eventually asked her out. She'd told him that if he hadn't asked her soon she was going to just ask him. She'd been waiting. They squeeze around the kitchen table to fit everyone.
"Normally large group meals are held at their place." Noah says, jerking his thumb to Finn and Rachel. "They have the biggest place."
"Well I suppose that makes sense. Rachel, Sam told me you were on Broadway and will be back to it in the future?"
Rachel glances at Sam before responding. "Yes. I was in two shows and I will hopefully be back to it in the near future."
"I hope so, too. I'd love to see you perform. I'm not a huge musical fan, but I do enjoy them from time to time." She says kindly.
Later, Rachel is helping Sam clean up after dinner. They stand side by side at the sink. Rachel bumps his shoulder.
"She's nice."
He grins. "Yeah. I really like her. Now, thanks for helping, but get lost. I know you had an attack yesterday and had a rough start this morning. Send your lazy husband in."
Rachel doesn't argue. She kisses his cheek and heads into the living room where the others are. She pokes Finn's shoulder.
"Tag. You're it."
His face scrunches in confusion at first, but then relaxes when he realizes what she means. He pulls her down onto his lap, kisses her soundly, then eases her onto the couch before standing and heading into the kitchen.
"Aaaww. Sam said you guys are really cute together and deeply in love, but that is just adorable." Chelsea gushes. "You two are like the cutest married couple ever."
"I like to think so." Rachel grins.
"They're the couple we've all aspired to be." Quinn admits with a soft smile and a wink to Rachel. "It's the kind of love we all dream of."
That startles but pleases her. Yes, she and Finn have had a beautiful, deep, and loving relationship over the years. Even their rough patches were necessary for growth and strengthening their bond. Everyone jokes about or comments on how deeply in love they are and have always been. Just the other day Kurt made a comment about how it seems like their love gets stronger over the years, not getting stale. Rachel pointed out that too much has gone on in their lives to allow them to get stale. Kurt conceded her point. But to find out that it's the type of relationship everyone else wants is a little surprising. And sweet. Her eyes go to Noah. He has an odd look on his face that she can't quite read, which is unusual. He's normally easy to read. She keeps her expression relaxed, but also keeps an extra eye on him as the conversation changes course. When Noah excuses himself and heads into his bedroom, she frowns. Quickly covering her frown with a smile, she casually tells the others she needs to use the restroom and gets up. She bypasses the bathroom and slips into Noah's room. He's standing with his back to the door, facing his dresser. His shoulders are hunched. She's about to call out to him and make sure he's okay when he turns. In his hand is a ring box. She gasps. His eyes snap to hers with a panicked expression. Seeing her alone, he relaxes but quickly stalks across the room and shuts the door.
"When?!" She asks in an excited hush.
He rubs the back of his head bashfully. "I—I was thinking tonight. But then it didn't feel quite right, ya know? I don't know."
He looks so uncertain and not at all like his usual strong, confident self. She melts a little. She steps closer and places her hands over his that are still holding the ring box. "If it doesn't feel right, then it's not right. Trust your gut."
"Then when?"
"When you're alone. Maybe after a private romantic dinner."
He nods. "Yeah. That sounds good."
"But soon, right?" She presses.
He grins. "Probably. Whaddya think?"
"I think it's about time." She says honestly with a wide smile.
Noah laughs and hugs her. "Thanks, Rach."
"How long have you had that?"
"Like a year." He admits.
She smacks his arm. "Noah Puckerman! What has taken you so long to ask if you've known you've wanted to marry her this long?!"
He stares down, the same look as before crossing his face. "I….I needed to make something of myself first."
"What do you mean?"
"Rach, I was just an employee at a large cleaning company. I wasn't….I wasn't worthy of her."
"She never thought that! No one has ever thought that!"
"I did!" He says in a fierce whisper. "She deserves a better man. An entrepreneur. A self made man with a successful business and can support her and any family they may have. I want to be able to give her everything. I want her to be proud of me."
Unable to help herself, Rachel hugs him tight. "She has always been proud of you. She wouldn't be with you if she wasn't. You never had to make something of yourself, Noah. You just have to be you." She pulls back and looks at him with a frown. "Wait….you're proposing now because you got approval to start your own company?"
He nods. "Yeah. I was gonna wait to make sure I was successful first, but I don't wanna wait that long."
"Good. Don't wait. Frankly, you shouldn't have waited this long. She's dropped a few comments here and there about hoping for a proposal."
Noah's eyes lighten and soften. "Really?"
"Really. So stop waiting, stop thinking you're not worthy because you are, and propose to her. Privately."
"Thank you, Rachel. Honestly….I was also kind of waiting for you to get be—ow!"
Rachel smacked his chest. Hard. "Stop! No one should be putting their lives on hold because of my health."
"Not because of your health." He corrects softly. "Because we love you and want you with us at all of our milestones."
"And if I had died?"
His eyes darken with a sadness she hasn't seen in a long time. "I'd have waited until the grief wasn't as oppressive. And I'd have had to believe you'd have been with us in spirit. Thank fuck that's not our reality."
This time, Noah tugs her into him for a hug. She squeezes hard and doesn't complain when he does the same. She'll happily deal with the bruises. She dries the few tears that trickled out on his shirt, making him chuckle roughly.
"For the record, I absolutely would have been there in spirit for all major life milestones. And, on the extremely slim chance something happens and I don't make it-" She holds up her hand at his sharp, disapproving look "—I know it's unlikely and no one likes to think about it, but it is still possible. I'm getting better but I'm one severe attack away from dying. Or my numbers suddenly dropping drastically, or one of a thousand different complications. I have to believe that won't happen. I don't believe it'll happen. But on the slim chance it does…keep living. Get married, have kids, be happy—"
"Stop talking." He growls out.
She ignores him. "—and enjoy your lives. I'd be there in spirit loving you all always."
He pushes out a long, hard breath. "Can we get back to the matter at hand? And our reality, not that nightmare?"
"Of course." She says with a smile. "You're gonna propose to Quinn soon, privately, after a romantic dinner. Soon, Puckerman. Right now, you're going back to the living room and I'm gonna go use the bathroom before rejoining everyone. Just mention to everyone that we stopped to talk for a few minutes so they don't worry about me being gone for so long."
"Fine." His heavy look lightens and he smiles at her. "Soon, huh?"
"Soon."
She goes into the bathroom, shuts the door and looks at her reflection in the mirror. She feels drained and slightly shaky and she's not sure why. The emotional toll from the talk with Noah? Being out for so long after having rough two days? Is she coming down with something again? She had a stomach bug a week ago. Did her numbers drop? Her stomach plummets at the thought. Needles drive into her chest and her hands clutch the edge of the counter. They didn't bring Yero this time since she had an attack yesterday. Besides, this isn't an attack. This pain is the her body is fighting back pain. And according to doctors, it's a good sign. She moans softly and leans harder on the counter. She breathes harshly until it ends. Once it does, she splashes water on her face. Still feeling a little shaky, she heads back to join the others. She squeezes into the space between Quinn and Finn on the couch and leans to whisper to Finn.
"Can we go?"
His gaze snaps to hers and takes in the look on her face. He nods. Quinn must have heard because she squeezes Rachel's leg. Turning to the others, Finn begins the process of saying goodbye. Rachel moves so she's sitting on the edge of the couch while saying her own goodbyes. Instead of offering her his hand, Finn leans down, wraps an arm around her torso and pulls her up. They hug everyone goodbye. Clearly the others picked up on her not feeling well and they come to her for hugs instead of making her walk to them.
"It was nice meeting you, Chelsea."
"It was nice meeting you, too. Hopefully we'll get together again soon."
"I'd like that." She really would.
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"Feeling better?"
Rachel looks over at Brittany siting on the couch. She plops down on top of her, making her giggle.
"Yeah. Still tired, but not like, fatigued tired. Just normal tired."
She'd been struggling with fatigue, which doesn't hit that often anymore. Just getting up was a challenge. Finn went to work late, not wanting to leave when she was shaking trying to walk to the bathroom. He stayed and helped her use the bathroom and get back into bed. She fell asleep quickly and he went to work, leaving Brittany to keep an eye on her.
"That's good. You should eat. C'mon!"
She allows Brittany to pull her off the couch and lead her into the kitchen. Yero brings her a ball and she dutifully tosses it for him to chase after. If she's feeling stronger after eating she'll take him into the main hallway outside her apartment door and let him chase the ball up and down it for a while. Finn didn't have time to go for a run this morning. Normally he takes Yero with him, but since he didn't go, Yero didn't get his normal amount of exercise. Rachel will have to rectify that somehow. She misses taking him for runs herself. Hopefully she'll get back to that soon. She settles on making an egg sandwich as a sort of brunch. She eats and Brittany cheerfully chats away.
"Oh, and your phone rang about an hour ago. I didn't recognize the name but whoever it was left a voicemail."
"Do you remember the name?"
Brittany scrunches up her face, thinking hard. "Uhhh…..Zurgman? I think?"
Rachel chokes on a bite of food and coughs to dislodge it. "Zurban?"
"Yes! That's it! Why, do you know him?"
"Britt, he's one of the music producers that Ana gave my music to!"
Brittany's eyes go wide. "Oh! Wow! I guess he reached a verdict."
Both women turn their heads to look at Rachel's cellphone sitting innocently on the kitchen counter. No longer hungry, Rachel sets her sandwich down and cleans her hands with a napkin. Heart beating fast in her chest, she slowly walks towards it. The missed call message flashes on the screen the moment she taps it. Her heart is in her throat. Should she listen to it now? Should she wait? Should she wait for Finn? Should she wait for Blaine and Kurt? Her hand hovers over the phone. She can't not know. She'll lose her mind sitting here all day knowing she could know if she just listened to the message that is now taunting her. She picks up the phone. No. She should wait. She sets it back down.
"Just listen to the voice mail." Brittany says. "You know you're gonna go nuts if you don't listen. Like, you'll get all jumpy and distracted and stuff."
She nods jerkily in response. She's right, after all. She picks up her phone. Losing courage, she sinks onto the floor by Yero and buries her face into his fur.
"What do you think, Yero? Good news? Bad news?" He licks her face in response.
Brittany joins them on the floor. "Best case scenario, go."
Rachel smiles, knowing what Brittany is doing. "He loves my music and wants to produce an album."
"Worst case scenario, go."
"He doesn't like it or doesn't think it's good enough to be produced."
"And what would change?"
"Nothing. I can still get my music recorded, just maybe not produced and promoted by a professional."
Knowing the best and worst cases calms her. Feeling more confident, she sits up. "Okay. I'm ready to listen. Thanks, Britt."
They hug. "You're welcome.
The women settle comfortably on the couch. Rachel listens to the voicemail and Brittany waits eagerly. Rachel blinks. Then blinks again. She sets the phone down and stares at Brittany.
"Well?" She bounces a little.
"He liked my songs. He wants to hear a few more before agreeing to produce anything, though."
Brittany squeals. "I knew it! He's gonna love all of them and produce your music!"
"I'd better get to work, then!"
Laughing excitedly, the women head into the music room.
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In the following week she sends him more songs. He responds fairly quickly and positively, though not exactly enthusiastically. That's fine with her. She's still getting to record and sell her own original music. It's crossing off yet another bucket list item, only leaving having kids. She pushes that thought away, knowing it'll either never happen or at least not until she's healthy again. As she's getting better, she and Finn are becoming more physical again. But they're careful. Now is not the time for her to get pregnant. She wouldn't survive and neither would the baby. So, she pushes all thoughts of children and pregnancy aside and focuses on recording her music.
More important than getting to cross off one of her final bucket list items, Rachel has something enjoyable that she can do right now, even while sick. She can practice and record her music. It gives her a sense of purpose. Having a task to complete, something beyond "resting" and "healing" does wonders to improve her mood, which also helps her energy levels. She's far more excited for the future now that she has something to actively work on and for. She's back to working, sort of. An exciting new project.
They set up a test run. She goes to a studio in the city and records one song. Mr. Zurban wants to hear one professionally recorded song before before investing more money into her recording an entire album. That left her a little confused, since she thought the whole point of sending him more of her songs was to convince him to record her music. Apparently not entirely. This, recording a song professionally in his studio, is the final test. When she pointed out that she needs someone from her family with her at all times, the man tried to push back. After she explained about her health and exactly why she needs someone around, he backed off. Personally, she thinks he agreed to it because he didn't want himself or his employees to have to deal with any health issues that could potentially pop up. She asks Finn to take off work to go with her and he does. Rachel had already decided to go with a more fun, upbeat number. Just in case this is the only song to be professionally recorded, she wants it to be a fun one. She'll save the slower, more emotional songs for the full album, whenever and however that happens. Finn stays in the booth with the employees and watches her through the glass. Just seeing him calms and strengthens her. She settles on the stool, makes sure the microphone is at the right height and distance, and gets comfortable.
"Shadows above the sand
I waited so long to hold your hand
Falling in love, helpless,
Just acting stupid, like kids
Was so distracted
Yeah we've been careless
It's not too late
Baby open your eyes and hold on tight
Just keep running and we can stay up all night
Don't let go, don't let go
Flying high as a kite, no ground below
Got me up in the sky, writing don't let go
Don't let go, don't let go
Sometimes emotions fray
Like tiny little heartbreaks
Something I can't explain
Just fighting stupid like kids
I'm so impatient
And you're so reckless
It's not too late
Baby open your eyes and hold on tight
Just keep running and we can stay up all night
Don't let go, don't let go
Flying high as a kite, no ground below
Got me up in the sky, writing don't let go
Don't let go, don't let go
I know we pull, pull, pull on each other
I know we spin, spin outta control
But there's a string holding us together
Just gotta catch that wind, here we go
Baby open your eyes and hold on tight
Just keep running and we can stay up all night
Don't let go, don't let go
Flying high as a kite, no ground below
Got me up in the sky, writing don't let go
Don't let go, don't let go
I know we pull, pull, pull on each other
Sometimes we spin, spin, yeah
I know we pull, pull, pull on each other
Sometimes we spin, spin, yeah
I know we pull, pull pull on each other
Sometimes we spin, spin, yeah"
The music fades out and she sits there grinning. Finn looks so proud and excited that she knows it went as well as she thought it did.
"Excellent, Rachel. Now we'll record the background vocals. Ready?"
"Yeah."
The spend the next few hours re-recording certain parts and getting the background vocals just right. It's hard and sometimes annoying, but also fun and exciting. She's tired by the time they leave, but a pleasant tired. Being tired from a day of working hard is a pleasant sensation she hasn't experienced in a long time. It's only a few days later that Mr. Zurban calls her and lets her know they're going ahead with a whole album. She and Santana jump around the apartment squealing. She insists that the next song she records is the one about loving someone so very deeply that you'd face anything to be with them. She wrote this one with support and input from all of her friends and memories of what her fathers went through to be together. When she first started writing this song a couple years ago with Blaine, it was mostly about the challenges people in gay relationships often faced in society and religiously (she was thinking of how her fathers were rejected by their religious families and how Santana was briefly rejected by her grandmother for this reason). But over the years, and especially during this third time facing Danton's aplastic anemia, she rewrote it. She intentionally made it vague enough that it could be related to other situations as well. Now, it's about deep passion and a burning love and being willing to overcome all obstacles and face anything to be with someone. It became so much more than any one situation and she's proud of that. She started thinking about the challenges she and Finn faced; loving one another so deeply but having massive health challenges threatening to pull them apart. She thought about how she wanted to let go and die to be at peace and how she chose to keep fighting, to keep going through this hell, to be with Finn. It's simply about deep, enduring love. Which is how her song "Burn With You" was born.
"We are broken, we can fix it
There's no cure for our condition
Desperate eyes are staring at me
Should be hopeless, but we're happy
It's not perfect here between us
Even angels have their demons
Trapped inside this twisted circle
It's not right but it's eternal
There's a white light
And it's calling me
And it's promising ecstasy, but
I don't wanna go to heaven
If you're going to hell
I will burn with you
I will burn with you
We're not healthy, barely breathing
But this pain keeps my heart beating
We are lost when we're together
But I'll follow you forever
There's a white light
And it's calling me
And it's promising ecstasy, but
I don't wanna go to heaven
If you're going to hell
I will burn with you
I will burn with you
I don't wanna dream without you
I don't wanna bleed without you
I'll do anything you want me to
'Cause I know you'll burn with me too
I don't wanna dream without you
I don't wanna bleed without you
I'll do anything you want me to
'Cause I know you'll burn with me too
There's a white light
And it's calling me"
It ended up being a more powerful song than she'd originally anticipated it being. But it felt good to get it out and sung. She's had different family members join her each day she goes to the studio. Today, the final day of recording this song, is a Saturday. Finn was able to join her again. The tight expression on his face as she sang fueled the emotion she sung with. He's heard it before, but not like this with full instrumental backing and bass, with her belting it out. It hits different than her singing it lightly behind a piano.
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Rachel and Finn sit in Dr. McCann's office and wait for the man to join them. Finn is acting more relaxed than he actually feels. It's a good act, but one Rachel can see right through. She appreciates the effort he's putting in, though, so she doesn't call him out on it. The door opens and he finally enters.
"Good afternoon! How are you both?"
"Fine, I think." Rachel says pointedly. "You tell me."
He chuckles, used to her responses by now. "You're better than fine, Rachel. You're doing well."
"How well?" Her husband presses.
"Stage one."
"Finally!" She exclaims, tossing her hands up. "Wait, firmly stage one?"
"You're a low stage one, but still firmly in stage one."
"Can anything change?"
"Well you can expect your attacks to slow down even more, though we don't know for sure by how much. You can expect your other symptoms to begin decreasing. How've they been?"
"Slowing down." Rachel confirms. "Less nausea, less vomiting, less bruising, less bleeding like from my gums, less getting sick like colds and stuff. But I still struggle to get out of bed most mornings. I still tire easily. I still get dizzy and headaches and migraines."
"And you will continue to. Rachel, you're getting better. You are on track for remission. But you are still very sick. And I know I keep repeating this, but it bears repeating. This is your third time facing this illness. It has drained you and weakened you. It's going to take longer to fight off and longer to recover from. Don't focus on that. Focus on how much better you are, the progress you've made, and the fact that you are getting closer to remission."
"What about her treatments?" Finn asks.
"We're sticking with once a week treatments, at the lower normal dose, not the high dose. I believe that's enough. If I'm wrong and her numbers don't increase or begin to drop, we'll raise the dose. Sound good?"
"Yes. Thank you."
"Rachel, I know your'e eager to get back on stage and a normal life, but take your time. No rush. Rushing will only hurt you. You still need rest."
"I understand."
"And I'll make sure of it." Finn says seriously but with a small smile. "She's recording her own music right now. If I think it's putting too much of a toll on her, I'll ask her to slow down."
"Good plan. I'm glad you're doing something productive that you enjoy. But your husband is right. Listen to him. If you're getting too tired from it, slow down."
She pushes away the urge to roll her eyes or clench her teeth. Still, her response is a little clipped. "I understand. I'm not a child and I've been putting my health first, haven't I?"
"You have and I'm proud of you for that." Dr. McCann says gently. "But I also know that you are hard working and a perfectionist. There's a chance you could get caught up in your work and not even realize how exhausted you are. I don't think it'd be intentional. That's why I said to listen to Finn. He'll keep an eye on you and make sure you don't overwork yourself."
That settles her agitation. He's not wrong, after all. "Fine."
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
They celebrate stage one with their family by throwing a small dinner party the following weekend. She called Oliver to tell him the news personally before telling the rest of her extended family. She also told him all about the songs she's recording and once again promised him an advance copy.
Blaine landed a leading role in a new Broadway show and everyone celebrated that as well. Mercedes' tour with Beyoncé came to an end and that became a welcome home celebration. She returned to L.A., but commented that she might be making her way east to be closer to everyone else. She's finally settling in to write and produce her own music and Rachel is proud of her for that. Noah settled on a name for his business but won't tell anyone else until the big reveal. He's getting it painted on the side of his new work van and intends to do a big reveal once it's finished. Tina decided that her bridesmaid dress shopping should happen, or at least begin, in New York since most of her brides maids are here. She comes as often as she can so the ladies can go to shops together to pick out the perfect dresses. Noah and Quinn finally announced their engagement at their monthly family dinner. That was yet another celebration for the family. Frankly, Rachel has never seen the two look so happy and she is positively thrilled for them.
The weather is starting to warm up, too. That alone helps put everyone in a good mood. Everyone in her family is very busy, but happily so. If they could come up with a cure, if she could go into remission, if she could get pregnant….life would be perfect. Well….that and a potion of immortality for Yero, she thinks, seeing more white fur on his muzzle. She cuddles him close and prays for a long life for him as well. As silly as it may sound, she wants him to be there for her children whenever they're born. If she hadn't relapsed, she'd already have a kid, She's positive of it. It makes her smile to think of how protective he'd probably be of the baby. He is a very good dog. She thanks God that while he's showing signs of aging with white fur on his muzzle, he still moves well, still plays a lot, and still runs and jumps whenever he gets the chance. Still, it makes her wonder if she should talk to Finn about getting a puppy. It'd give them time to train the puppy to be a service dog when he gets older….or when Yero gets too old. She'd like to let Yero relax and just enjoy the rest of his life. Retire and just have fun. Let a younger dog take over the harder work. But also, she has heard that getting a puppy when you have an aging dog helps give the older dog new life and more energy. A new friend. It's something to think about, at least.
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There's knock on the door at 10:45 pm. Rachel isn't normally up this late, but she'd napped for along time this afternoon after a long session at the studio. That's making it hard for her to fall asleep now. Concerned, Rachel opens the door with Finn right behind her. Santana is standing there with a tear streaked face, broken expression, and a suitcase in her hand.
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A/N: I was listening to Kelly Clarkson singing "Grown Up Christmas List" just FYI. I love her version. And the songs on Rachel's album are the songs from Lea Michele's albums. I may not like her as a person, but I do like her voice and her music. She may not have actually written these songs, but they are hers as she's the original singer for them so, in my story, they are Rachel's original songs. Hope you enjoyed this.
