This was a very fun request from Frau Wilhelm Klink, and comes from the iconic episode Hogan's Hofbrau. Rewatching it was delightful, and I can only hope that this adds a little more to it.
"Phone call for Major Hoople." The voice sounded just above the din of the hofbrau.
Carter's voice.
Hogan glanced up - but Carter was nowhere to be seen. Neither were LeBeau and Newkirk. Quietly he excused himself, a pit forming in his stomach. Were they all in the kitchen - and who was calling? Had something happened back at camp, leading Kinch to contact him here?
Perhaps Schultz had managed to get Klink to cancel his trip? The absence of his men smothered the hopeful thought, and Hogan stayed casual as he stepped towards the counter - rushing wouldn't help anything. "Hello, Major Hoople." There was no tone to indicate that the phone was in use, "Hello?"
"Psst!" The hiss came once, twice. Hogan tilted, just enough to see all three of his men huddled behind the counter, eyes wide and panicked. Newkirk pointed out into the hofbrau from his spot in the back corner, mouthing something that looked like-
Hogan snapped his head to look out over the crowd, spotting the kommandant just barely taking his coat off to sit with the leaders of the Adolf Hitler Division.
He hadn't gotten his men out nearly in time - Schultz had stalled as long as possible, he was sure, but Klink was still here- how the colonel had missed them on the way in was a miracle in and of itself. "Go out the back door." Hogan turned when Carter stage whispered,
"There is no back door!"
"I'll make one!" LeBeau was no quieter, though fortunately the din of the hofbrau disguised all sounds of their panic.
Panic. They couldn't afford panic. Panic - like rushing - only made things worse. "Uh, stand up." Hogan put down the phone, smoothing some creases in his uniform as his men obeyed. None of them looked comfortable and he couldn't blame them, "I'm gonna march you out of here like we're goin' back to camp." He swallowed his stuttering heart, "Follow me."
He didn't wait and watch, turning on his heel and leading the way to the door. Closer, closer … His heart pounded four times for each measured step. Almost there. They were going to make it-
"Major!" Hogan spun at the voice of Captain Milheiser, heart stopping completely as he met the man's congenial expression. "Won't you join us, eh?"
No one breathed; his men flanked him like statues. This was it. If he called out a refusal then Klink would hear his voice. If he went to the table then Klink would see him and it would all be over.
Well. Hogan had made a living from turning his failures into successes. Why should this be any different? It was still Klink, whatever uniform Hogan was wearing. Klink, whose stooped shoulders spoke to the sort of mood he was currently in - the sort of mood Hogan had taken advantage of before …
"Don't panic, wait right here." He said quietly, never taking his eyes off of the Kommandant as he began weaving through the tables of German soldiers to join them.
"You know Leutnant Dönitz," The Captain nodded towards Klink as Hogan arrived, "And your Colonel, of course."
Hogan gave the appropriate salute, tilting towards Klink with a smile. "Herr Colonel."
Klink shot to his feet like a jack in the box, face changing color as he all but shouted, "You?!" This was it. Hogan kept his smile in place as Klink ... didn't shout his name? Instead the Kommandant pointed between Hogan and the two men from the Hitler Division. "You all know each other?"
What kind of a question was that?
"Major Hoople is a very good friend of ours." Dönitz said, sounding almost threatening. Hogan had known they didn't like Klink, but-
"Major who?" Klink drew the word out, still staring straight at Hogan - incredulously - he didn't seem to care about the men on the other side of the table anymore.
"Not 'who.' Hoople!" Hogan met Klink's eyes, but couldn't read the emotion in them. Was he weighing the risk? If he exposed Hogan, he'd implicate himself; surely even Klink could see that. Was he remembering the last time Hochstetter stormed into camp, screaming that Hogan was a spy?
Or was he just wondering how Hogan had gotten out?
There wasn't time to ponder it, so Hogan grinned at the officers, "He has trouble with names sometimes."
"Hogan!" Klink growled, straightening from his confused stoop to glare - that was the Kommandant Hogan knew. More importantly, that was the Klink Hogan knew how to deal with, though he was aware of just how thin the ice was becoming as he studiously avoided the glare.
"That's my first name: Hogan. Hogan Hoople!"
"Where did you get that uniform?" Klink asked quietly, his tone ... Hogan ignored it to quip back.
"Oh, they've got a great little army and navy store in town." He had to sell this, and so turned to nod at the officers, "Yeah, they've got a special this week: 20% off on t-shirts - assorted colors!" Their bewildered expressions were the kind Hogan usually thrived on.
Klink leaned in towards him, voice tremulous and low. "What are you doing here?" He was genuinely furious, Hogan realized, and there was only one thing he ever did when Klink was this angry.
He made it worse.
"I was just taking a work detail back to camp." He turned towards his men, all three of whom gave the half-hearted wave of guilty schoolchildren. In for a penny …
"A work det-?!" Klink sank into his seat as soon as he'd spotted them, and Hogan's grin was completely genuine. They were both in it now. "Oh no." The Kommandant rested his head on his hand, looking positively forlorn. "I think I have a fever after all."
"Brought on by the fact that you do not have the 5,000 marks, eh?" Milheiser asked smugly. Dönitz sat beside him, stone-faced - practically ghoulish.
Klink laughed then, the hollow, uncomfortable sound of a man who knew he was the butt of the joke. "Captain, I have not been able to get to the bank, but I assure you ..." He pointed his finger at Milheiser, promise fading to nothing - smile strained to a grimace.
This was Hogan's moment. "Excuse me, Colonel, have you forgotten?"
Klink's head shot up, "What?" He snapped, angry, desperate. "Forgotten what?!"
"You sent me to the bank for you." Hogan reached into his pocket, pulling out the dummy cash and handing it to the men.
"I did?!" Klink asked loudly, turning to watch with shock as Dönitz counted it. His voice was quieter when he repeated the question. "I did?"
"It all seems to be here." Dönitz said. "5,000."
Hogan watched Klink. After working with the man for as long as he had, it wasn't hard to guess what he would do next. He wouldn't call Hogan out - certainly not right now (which is exactly why Hogan had done it), and he wouldn't refuse the help. No, now was usually the part where Klink would get confident-
It happened far more quickly than Hogan anticipated: Klink straightened, tilting his head condescendingly as a satisfied smile bloomed across his face. "Do you think a German officer would short-change you?" He laughed and Hogan looked upwards in silent appeal. How could a man be so confident and so cowardly?
"Well thank you very much, Colonel." Milheiser appeared surprised and somewhat impressed as he glanced between Hogan and Klink - he had clearly picked up on the strangeness of their interaction, though 5,000 marks appeared to be enough for him to ignore it. "Frauline!" He called, "Beer for everyone! Thi-"
"Ah," Hogan cut him off, "I'm terribly sorry, Gentlemen, I must be getting along."
"What a pity," The captain said - and seemed to mean it. Hogan wondered briefly how long he'd last on the front.
"Yes, I was beginning to enjoy the major's company!" Klink agreed jovially. His eyes were dancing, and Hogan once again found himself at a loss. Klink had seen him in uniform, watched him fork out 5,000 marks like it was nothing, and this was his response?
Hogan's parting jab was partially for its own sake, and partly to put an expression on Klink that he knew what to do with.
"Some people can sit around drinking beer; I have a prisoner of war camp to run." He saluted as Klink's smile faded away, unfortunately leaving behind only that strange look. "Gentlemen."
The implication of course is that Hogan leaves and comes up with retroactive reasoning for everything Klink just caught him in the middle of doing. I may write a companion piece for Klink at some point, but for now this can stand on its own.
