Chapter 1: This is Not The Power I Wanted
Madara Uchiha had faced many things in his long and chaotic existence- war, betrayal, literal resurrection- but nothing had prepared him for this...
"A BABY?!" he roared, the ground shaking beneath his feet as he held up the small, blond, wriggling creature now in his arms like it was a cursed scroll.
The baby blinked.
And then sneezed.
On his face.
Madara stared down in horrified silence as baby snot slowly dripped off his cheek. "Is this some kind of genjutsu? Hashirama! I swear if this is you-!"
But there was no First Hokage. No battlefield. Just Madara... and the loudest, chunkiest baby he had ever seen.
The scroll next to the basket read:
"To whom it may concern: This is Naruto. Feed him. Don't let him eat frogs. Good luck."
"...Frogs?" Madara whispered, deeply disturbed.
Naruto giggled and grabbed a fistful of Madara's glorious hair, yanking with the strength of thousand suns.
"This... is an act of war."
--
Madara sat cross-legged in his hideout, the once mighty fortress now scattered with toys, empty bottles, and a single stuffed toad that stared at him mockingly.
"Why do you cry only when I meditate?" Madara asked the heavens, holding Naruto upside down (he thought this helped). It did not.
Naruto screamed louder.
"Is this vengeance for my sins?" Because this feels personal."
In desperation, Madara tried to make shadow clones to help- but every clone took one look at Naruto, said "Nope", and vanished in a puff of smoke.
The diaper, he discovered, was the worst part. He tried to use fire style jutsu to dry it off once. Never again.
He started keeping count of how many times Naruto bit his finger with his single baby tooth.
The score so far: 18
--
Weeks passed.
Madara began to change.
He woke up in the middle of the night at the slightest whimper. He could swaddle like a pro. He sang lullabies- with the sharingan activated and Naruto only cried half the time.
One night, after finally getting Naruto to sleep, Madara stared at the peaceful little face. "You're loud. Weak. Annoying. A constant source of chaos."
"...But I guess you're kind of cute."
He covered Naruto gently with a blanket and sighed. "Hashirama would be laughing at me right now."
From somewhere in the spirit realm.
Hashirama was.
--
By now, Madara had a new name.
He was no longer the Ghost of the Uchiha.
He was Uncle Maddy.
Children in the village would see him walking with Naruto strapped to his chest in a baby carrier covered in tiny kunai prints, and instead of running, they waved.
Once, Kakashi saw it and dropped his book in shock.
"Is that... Madara... doing a peek-a-boo?"
Naruto laughed hysterically as Madara dissapeared in a puff of smoke and reappeared behind him. "Peek. A. Boo."
--
Just as Madara finally began to accept his fate as full-time babysitter, the door to his hideout burst open.
Minato stood there, alive, covered in dirt and chakra burns. "There you are!"
Madara looked up, Naruto clinging to his leg, chewing on his armor.
"You... left him with me?"
Minato sheepishly rubbed the back of his head. "You seemed responsible. I mean, you have, like, ancient warlord energy."
Madara blinked.
Then tossed Naruto at him.
"I AM NEVER DOING THIS AGAIN."
Naruto giggled, waved at Madara with drool-covered hand, he said his first word:
"Ma-da-da."
Madara froze.
Minato gasped. "His first word!"
"... You're lucky I'm emotionally dead inside." Madara muttered, wiping his eyes suspiciously.
