Act 1, Scene 4


"-So with all that happening, I've gotta pick your brain a bit about that so-called Camelot singularity," I say. "You said you were paying attention for that one, right…?"

Of course, once the words leave my mouth, I can see that Nobunaga clearly does not understand. A look of absolute bafflement crosses her face - and then a moment later, something clicks, and she starts laughing. "You thought… pfft! No, no, I guess it's on me! It can't be helped, hahaha!"

"Oi, just what the hell's so funny?" Mordred grumbles from her position leaning on a nearby wall. Although we're currently in a largely disused meeting room, I went ahead and brought her - Britain is relevant to her goals, after all.

"I mean… you thought Camelot was - no, no, it makes sense! That's what makes it so funny! Because who'd expect Camelot to be in the Middle East!?" She cackles - oh.

"Wait, so that Jerusalem singularity-"

"Yuuuup! That's the singularity that Chaldea ended up calling Camelot, back home, after it got totally hijacked by Lancertoria and her knights."

'Lancertoria' is pretty self-explanatory, but I wish she wouldn't go throwing nicknames around like that.

"Ugh, and based on Chaldea's analysis and our encounter with Ahriman, it's been hijacked by someone totally different in this world…." I mutter. "But I don't guess you have something to share about London, then…?"

"Ehhhh…" Her face screws up in thought. "I don't really want to blab too much. Even what I remember of Ritsuka's singularities is way different from the stuff you've been running into, Subaru, and I'd expect it to keep diverging more and more as time goes on."

"Come on, does Father show up, or not? That's the important part here!" Mordred says, but in response, Nobbu's face just looks even more conflicted.

"I mean… sorta? I feel like Lalter doesn't really count, to be honest, she just sorta showed up randomly while rambling something about the wild hunt?" The Archer mutters - no, what the hell is a 'Lalter'? "And then after that point she got summoned to Chaldea and her only relevance was boob jokes…"

"I have no idea what you're talking about but somehow I'm still offended!" Mordred shouts.

"-Ah, as far as the Reality Marble goes, it's probably Nursery Rhyme," Nobunaga concludes.

"That doesn't answer anything… what do you even mean?" I mutter.

"Ah, she's this little girl…" Wow, the universe really does just have it out for me, huh? "-who's also a book?" The Archer mumbles. "And a Reality Marble? She's one of the really weird edge case Servants. The embodiment of all Fairy Tales, basically. If you supercharged her by hooking her up to a Grail or a Demon Pillar - that could definitely produce what Chaldea's detecting in London."

"-Alright, so… in practical terms, what does that mean?" I ask. What does an 'embodiment of fairy tales' do, exactly?

"Mmmm… It's tough to say. The Nursery Rhyme that Chaldea encountered was a Rogue Servant, clinging to the remnants of some past Master - and most of the times we ran into her, it was that version," Nobunaga explains. "But in theory, her power and form is wholly dependent on her Master. She manifests their beloved childhood tales, and manifests as their preferred partner to read those tales with. The one we ran into had a whole 'Alice in Wonderland' theme going on, but it's not like we can guarantee that'll happen here."

Wow, that sounds like absolute nonsense. "If I'm reading this correctly… we should probably steer clear of bringing any Servants associated with 'Childhood Tales', in that case, right?"

"Ehhh…. it should be fine as long as the stories are positive. Gareth, Saint George, and Mash are probably the best bet," The Archer says. "If you bring me… my own Reality Marble might be able to break a hole in Nursery Rhyme's, but if I screw it up, things'll go full Honnouji really fast. My Avenger components can't be a good fit with Nursery Rhyme."

"I'm in that category too, huh…?" Mordred grumbles. "I guess I'll tag in after the Reality Marble's down, then."

I close my eyes, thinking for a moment. There's something, on the edge of my awareness - an obvious obstacle that must be accounted for.

…Oh crap, that's really bad!

"In that case, I definitely can't go either!" I realize. The Witch of Envy was a childhood story in Lugunica, after all!

"Geh… more parallel world stuff?" Nobbu asks, and I nod. "-But Beryl's got a whole 'Big Bad Wolf' schtick, so he's also a really bad pick!"

A moment of silence follows, as Nobunaga massages her temples, trying to work out a plan.

"I guess we're waiting for Aesclepius, then?" I finally ask.

"Ah, yeah, Kadoc would be great for this, wouldn't he!" The Archer laughs. "He's pretty much Mr. Fairy Tale romance, so that'll go great!"

"So what, he's a Julius type…?" I mutter.

"-Anyway, I'm sure nothing like this happened in my original world, but the culprit here is proooobably Glasoya-Labolas," Nobbu says with a shrug. "He got hooked up to her in that one Sub-Singularity, after all.

The air stills. A sort of ominous sensation seems to hang over things, though only the animalistic Sir Mordred registers it. And she, failing to understand, eventually ignores and forgets it.

The question tumbles from Natsuki Subaru's lips without a thought. It is only natural, after all - when learning of something strange, one must ask another question.

When he learns more, he will share the details. Soon, everyone in the small outpost of Humanity that is Chaldea will understand the upcoming threat of Sub-Singularities.

Thus is a Tragedy Foreshadowed/Rumor Established.

"What the heck is a Sub-Singularity!?" I shout.

"Well, sometimes a random Servant just stumbles on a Holy Grail, and weirdness ensues! That's how I wound up in Chaldea in the first place - you can think of them as time-limited events." As expected the explanation is incomprehensible. "Usually it's not very serious - it's just stiff like Elizabeth creating a crazy Halloween party… or Cleopatra sticking a pyramid into the top of Elizabeth's castle and setting up a new Halloween party… or Osakabehime plopping Himeji Castle on top of the Pyramid to establish a new Halloween party!"

"Wait, is that why-!? Wait… I don't… ugh, my head! Daphne… wasn't Daphne in the last singularity, devouring candy…?" I clutch my skull in pain.

""But yeah, the only one to really worry about coming up would be that one in Tokyo with the weird Hotel," She shrugs, even as she drives spike after spike into my brain. "That one could have been nasty if it wasn't resolved… but we did get Shiki in the end, so I guess it was worth it!"

…I shouldn't ask more questions. Every bone in my body is begging for me to flee this conversation, without asking, but- "Who?"

"Oh, this generation's [Mystic Eyes of Death Perception]-" She starts.

"I won't wait," Piercing blue eyes fill my sight, and-

Thus is a Tragedy Foreshadowed/Rumor Established.

"-She's pretty standoffish, but we're both part of the 'hang out in your room nearly naked' club, so we get along!" Nobbu concludes.

"That club is pre-emptively banned!" I shout.


Scene 5

"A Party?" I ask.

"Yeah!" Beryl says with a grin, from the other side of the lunch table. "Don't you think it's a great idea? Something to celebrate the arrival of the sunrise - the real one, I mean, in a few weeks. The illusory, artificial sun they've got to fool the staff just isn't quite the same thing, right?"

"Master-sama is right… the human soul can, um, recognize the difference, I think." Van Gogh says, staring at her food as she pokes it hesitantly - hey, the potatoes are good this time! I made sure of it!

"Well, if not the human soul, then I'm sure sunflowers can, right?" Beryl says with a laugh as he tussles her hair.

"Ehehe… Master-sama…" The Foreigner mutters as she leans into him - okay, that's enough.

"Look, Beryl-san, we don't know each other that well, but…" I start to say.

"Woah, woah, don't worry. I get what you're about to say," He says with a bit of embarrassment. "I haven't 'laid hands on her' or something like that. I mean, to start with, I don't… really feel sexual attraction the way a normal person does. Comes with being the son of a witch."

"I'm an adult…" Van Gogh mutters. "I'm just small…"

…Alright, take it easy. This is probably-

"By the way, I was around fourteen years old when Beryl Gut declared his love for me," Mash says as she passes by our table.

"Yes, officer, it's this guy right here!" I shout, rising to my feet.

"Oh come on, I was gonna wait for her to grow up!" Beryl protests.

"Unforgivable! I'll defend Mash-tan's honor from-!" I start to shout.

"Subaru, it's fine," Dr. Romani says as he trails by on Mash's heels. "I already beat the crap out of him, and he's got a restraining order."

"Don't forget how you volunteered me to be thawed out first!" Beryl laughs.

Ugh… if it's under control… then probably… at least for now…

"-Wait, Romani can fight!?" I shout.

"That's what you react to!?" The doctor complains.

"He's a healer, but…" Nobunaga says with a slight smirk.

"...But what?" I mutter.

"Geh… Come on, it's a Gundam reference! You're an Otaku, Subaru, you're supposed to instantly recognize it!" She complains.

"Sorry, I guess…?"


A/N:

Although After War Gundam X first aired in 1996, "I'm a Healer, but..." only ascended to meme status in 2017, two years after the point at which this story takes place. At least according to Know Your Meme, anyway.