[AN: well i wasn't planning on writing this fic yet but some rando PM with with a Hanabi fancomic and ask my thoughts about it. I'm on app, so I can't reply on the PM. So if you actually read my works, you'll see this.
My thought is, okay. Pretty cool. I don't know what you expect from me since I have zero context about the scene. Nice drawings tho. I don't know if thats yours or something you commissioned.
That's my thoughts. Hope you dont take it as me being rude and dismissive. I just genuinely don't have anything much to say about it]
Chapter 60: Quarter Life Crisis
"Uwaahhh! You might beat Chouji's record at this rate, Hotaru!"
"nghh"
A quarter youkai, an emo and a fanfic OC walks into a BBQ restaurant. There's a joke somewhere in there but I just dont see it. Anyway hi, Makoto Hotaru here. And it is now
[10th of July, 62 AK]
The Chuunin Exam is coming, but right now we'll just have some filler chapters. Just the good ol random small gag chapters with no long ass serious arc no ones gonna read. This fanfic is at its best as-
"Gai sensei! I will finish off this meal set! If I fail to do so, I will do 1000 pushups with 10 ton weight on ny back!"
"How very youthful of you Lee! I approve!"
Ah yea, I guess this is the Quarter Life Crisis duo debut chapter.
"Who's the weirdoes?", Sasuke pointed his chopsticks to the green jumpsuit duo as he grill another set of meat.
"Oh dont you remember? That's Rock Lee. The senpai a year above us", I answered
"Rock Lee?!! You mean that nerdy kid Rock Lee?!!", Naruto screams as he rise over the seat to look backwards and see the Bowl Cut Duo.
"No way!", he exclaimed. "He used to be about all books and math! Now look how jacked up he is now!"
"Yea. Rock Lee has abandoned the Nerd-Kwon-Do and embraced the way of Jock-Kune-Do." I added.
"Jock-Kune-Do, I see. Perhaps I should adopt this curious title you given to our lifestyle afterall!", suddenly, Might Guy or his Japanized name, Maito Gai teleports behind Naruto, which in relative position means infront of me.
"Guakk!!", in his surprise, Naruto squawked.
"Yo.", I greet him.
"So you are Kakashi boys, huh? Nice to meet you! I am Maito Guy, Kakashi's eternal rival!"
Then, Rock landed at the side of our table with the flair of acrobatic nutjob. Tenten is on the floor, dying from cringe.
"I am Rock Lee! A practitioner of Jeet-Kune-Do!"
"Jock-Kune-Do.", I correct him.
"Jock-Kune-Do!!"
"And I am Hyoga Nebi. Completely unrelated to Hyuuga Bitch Slave despite looking like his clone. And I am totally not a Byakugan user despite having eyes that look likes the Hyuuga's. I'm just literally blind.", the third member of Squad Gai appears.
"And what's your gimmick?", I ask him.
"I am blind, so I 'see' through echolocation and also seismic vibration.", Hyoga Nebi clarified
"Very cool, random OC The Writer came up with to replace Bitch Slave because he screwed up canon and too lazy to figure out a replacement character such as Morino Idate which is lame. Now go back and be an incondencending (probably not the right spelling but fuck you) jackass like the real pre-Chuunin Exam Neji."
"Yes. I am Hyoga Nebi I am very arrogant."
Sasuke just looks at me and Nebi and see that no one notice the insanity of my exchange with Nebi. He decides that he rather not deal with this fanfic's stupidity and just roll with it and focus on what is more important.
Eating tomatoes.
"And I am TenTen.", she introduce herself from the floor, shakily trying to rise up while coughing up blood from sheer cringe damage. "Higurashi TenTen."
"hello there irrelevant character number 34.", I greet her and focus on Gai. TenTen has used enough quota of screentime for this chapter. "So, now we all know each other. Great character introduction guys."
"Indeed we are!", Maito Gai gives his trademark shining smile thumbs up pose. "Now youngsters! Are interested in joining our high energy Jock-Kune-Do lifestyle?"
Naruto, Sasuke and I just shake our head in decline of the offer.
"Cool! I respect your denial!", Gai accepts our decline in good spirit.
"Makoto Hotaru!!", Rock Lee randomly screams from the top of the neighboring table. "I challenge you to a Duel! I shall prove that hardworks beats talents!!"
The whole customers and staff in Yakiniku Q looks at me with anticipation. The Duels that I, Makoto Hotaru had commit during my Murder Gremlin Academy days were legendary, as it was Duels that challenged the status quo of the village itself. I have long since retired from the Dueling scene, so this looks like it might be a comeback of Makoto Hotaru the Undefeated, entering the Genin level Dueling circuit.
So, to answer the public anticipation, I respond.
"I don't wanna."
"Urrghhhh…" everyone groans from collective disappointment. Such is the power of my trademark Power Move.
Rock then jumped off the table and frontflip 3 turns and land in a T pose. Such a perfect dominance asserting maneuver
However, I was slurping my soba noodles, facing the hotpot in the middle of the table, so I did not see the T pose at all, completely negating his Aura.
You are 1000 years to early to compete against me in the art of Aura Farming, Rock.
Yes, I am calling him Rock. Deal with it. This fanfic is a rebel to your fanfiction norms.
However, Rock refuse to give up. He goes back to his table and began to vigorously grill his meat. Using the power of math, he calculate the perfect heat to transmute protein from uncooked to cooked.
Gai gasped as the aroma of Rock Lee mathematically precise cooking permeates the air. The perfect aroma triggers the olfactory sense of the customers and staff, making them drool like mental patients that got shock therapy'ed for weeks. Gai then jump up the table and yells.
"SOMEONE SMELLS WHAT IS ROCK LEE IS COOKING!!!!!!!"
Yes, The Rock is the original cook meme. That is some history lesson for you.
However, using the Power of Math takes toll on you. In order to calculate the Perfect Cooking Method of All Things, Rock Lee has to use whatever quarter of the total Neuron cells he had left after damaging most of it from crashing his brain to the ground using Primary Lotus. Such is the price of embracing Jock-Kune-Do. His nose bleeds under the strain of using his brainpower beyond his Jock-build limits. In order to improve his IQ further, he opens the First Gate: Gate of Opening and his Yang Chakra flares up his neurons like a kid that had just drink an Enfamil formula milk. Enriched with DHA and all that vitamins.
"Rock Lee!", TenTen tries to stop him, however Hyoga Nebi stopped her by slamming his palm to her chest, not noticing he is groping her in the process.
"Let him cook.", Nebi says in begrudging respect.
However,TenRen keeps trying to stop Rock Lee, forcing Nebi to keep his hand on TenTen's chest. I just look at her and concluded that TenTen is indeed a genius. Nebi is blind to not see her move.
"Nebi is blind, right?", Naruto ask me to confirm.
"Didn't you see his character introduction? Nebi is all about being a blind ninja. He has a very cool character setting.", Sasuke reminds him.
"Indeed. Mark my words, Naruto and Sasuke. Hyoga Nebi will be the greatest OC ever conceived in fanfiction history."
Naruto and Sasuke nods in agreement.
"Here!", Rock finally done and presents me with a full plate of grilled meat. "Have a taste."
I take a bite and chew 64 times to reach optimal umami grinding. Everyone looks at me in anticipation. The rumor goes that Makoto Hotaru never once says anything is delicious, so for some reason there is a silent war going on among the cooks in culinary industry that if they can make Makoto Hotaru says 'oishi' then you are truly the greatest cook in the world.
Will Rock Lee achieve it?
Will he break the streak of me never complimenting any food verbally?
Will the power of Math truly prevails and open the door to the Truth of Cooking as mentioned in the JP cooking drama Fermat's Cuisine?
"Whats your verdict, Makoto Hotaru?"
I place my chopstick down and drink cold water.
"Could use a bit more salt."
"NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"
Unfortunately for you, Rock, taste is subjective.
)))))))))))))))))))
To escape the escalating insanity, I pulled out my walkie and pretends that Anko is calling me out for a job.
So here I am at Torture and Interrogation Department.
You know its fucked up when you have Torture and Investigation Department being a public office anyone can come for school trip. I once go to TID at Year 2 for Class 2F class trip. Gotta say these dem ninjas are creative when it comes to strategic pain infliction.
TID… tiddies. Hmm. There's a conspiratory wordplay here and I just can't figure it out.
"So, what are you doing here coming to my office? Do you want me to model for you again?", Mitarashi Anko, my psychopath onee-chan asks me warmly.
"I don't know. You're fucking anyone interesting lately?"
"Nah. Got no mission these days since Chuunin Exam is coming. So I had been on a dry spell."
"You can fuck Iruka."
"Isn't he a nice guy?"
"He runs pyramid scams."
"Oh, what a devil! Even I am not that fucked up!", Anko looks at me in terror of the revelation.
"Indeed. Pyramid scammers are truly evil.", man, I totally forgot that random loredrop that Iruka went to Suna to learn pyramid scams. "Anyway, I figure I want to check out my experiment."
"Oh! This is fun!", Anko hold my hand as she drag me away to Project Sugar and Spice with giddy steps. Hmm, maybe I shouldn't have helped her covering up the murder of her ex-boyfriend, a random nameless chuunin y'all never knew a few months ago. Butchering corpses to melt down in acid in a plastic barrel with a psycho onee-chan like Anko has a way to bond people.
Anyway, TID is a dreary and awful place to look at. So I focus on the best view here, looking at Anko's jiggling booba from the side while holding hands. I have been questioning this for a long time and so I decide to finally ask.
"Hey Anko, don't your nipples get blistered from jiggling around under that mesh armor?"
"Chakra."
"Right. Chakra. Of course."
Stupid me. Chakra solves everything. How else Tsunade keeps her tits perky like that at her 50s? Smh.
"Here we are! Project Sugar and Spice!"
I looked through the one way glass as I observed Mizuki in his confinement cell. It is a room decorated in pink and white. The walls are drawn with murals of Barney, Sesame street and Teletubbies. I had put a lot of TVs that's constantly playing various episodes of the kids shows I have reenacted for this experiment.
In the middle of the room, Mizuki shivers uncontrollably. His drool drips out his mouth like a leaky faucet as he sings in madness.
"I love you,
You love me,
We are a happy family~~"
"It only take him two days to broke and spills the beans. Gotta say, I did not expect you can torture someone with cuteness. Who woulda thunk."
"Anko, we are all trained to endure hardship, pain and sufferings. The best of us can never be broken from traditional torture. However, no one can adapt to annoyance and cringe. Everyone will break under the eldritch terror of Barney the Dinosaur."
"You are one fucked up kid, you know that?"
Eh, I shrugged.
"So, I hear that you're taking the Chuunin Exam. Who's team you're joining with?", Anko then asked me.
"I'm joining Kabuto's team."
"That seven time repeater?? That guy sucked!"
"I know. That's why I get to join in as the fourth member."
In Chuunin Exams, if you failed three times you are allowed to take a fourth member. Most people passed at their third take so if you guys still that bad after that then maybe numbers will help you out. The handicap was you can add one more member with each fail after the third take.
Technically as the seventh time repeater, team Kabuto can have a total nine members. It's just that most people don't want to join a team with track record that bad. Seven fails is really a record to behold.
"Well, if you insist then go for it I guess. Maybe you can carry those losers pass the Second Phase intact. You could take a better repeater team or just make up your own though."
"Nah, I don't want to bother making more friends."
"Your choice.", she looks at the Barney murals and shivers. "Urghh, how did you think off that purple lizard thing anyway? It gives me the hibbie jibbies."
"Oh, you don't want to know."
Trust me, Anko. If you think Barney is bad then wait till I start Project Sugar and Spice phase two and torture people with 24/7 broadcast of Dora the Explorer.
Then, you will know true pain.
