Alex had some PTSD dreams when she was suddenly woken up by Harriet with a candle in her face. "Holy shit," Alex said startled with the flame so close to her face.
"Are you alright?" she asked concernedly. She was already dressed and ready to go.
"Yeah, bad dreams," Alex downplayed.
"Wake up, Ron, wake up!" she yelled at Ron, who was sleeping in the same room.
"What the hell?" Ron asked as he covered up.
"Honestly, why are you two sleeping in the same room?" Harriet asked, confused.
"It's because I'm queer so that makes it okay," Alex said, obviously. "And I've slept...near men on many field exercises."
"Even when they're nude?" Harriet asked, referring to Ron.
"Usually...not," Alex recalled.
"Get up, breakfast is ready. We're about to move," Harriet told them both, and then left.
"Way too early," Ron said sleepily.
"Get used to it. You'll be a Navy officer soon," Alex reminded him.
The entire Weagan family, Alex, and Harriet left on foot from their cabin into the woods, where they met up with Arthur Weagan's co-worker. "It's about time. I've been out here for two hours," he said, peeved.
"Sorry, some of us had a sleepy start," Arthur said apologetically.
"You mean, one of your sons was having a good shag, right?" he figured.
"This is Amos Diggory, he works with me in the Ministry of Industry," Arthur introduced. Amos' son then dropped in from the trees like a weirdo. "And this strapping young man must be Cedric."
"Holy shit, you must be Princess Alexandra. Great, great pleasure," Amos said as he shook Alex's hand.
"Same to you, Sir," Alex said embarrassedly.
The group hiked for a good while until they reached a large gathering of tents and flags. There must have been tens of thousands of people gathered in one place. England was hosting the Horseballs Cup. While the Imperial Academy hosted horseballs games for funsies, this was professional horseballs. People from across the fifty nations were present to celebrate their team. While the planet was now united under the Imperial flag, fifty nations were governed as states.
"This will be home," Arthur said as they entered a tent. The tent was the size of an apartment with flooring, furniture, heating stoves, lamps, and supplies all set up.
"Impressive," Alex said, amazed.
That night, the group made their way to the horseballs stadium. Since Arthur was a mere O-2 engineering officer, their seats ended up being rather high up. "God damn, how far are we going up?" Ron wondered as they made their way up.
"Let's put it this way. If it rains, you'll be the first to know," Gen. Lucas Monroe mocked from below. His son, Drake, was with him.
"My father and I will be in the Supreme Leader's box, by invitation, of course," Drake smirked.
"Don't boast, Drake. There's no need with these people," Lucas sneered. "And do you enjoy yourself, Olsen, while you can."
"How ominous. Almost implies you're up to something nefarious," Alex mocked.
The Weagans and Diggories took their seats in the nose-bleed section. Even Alex was a little unnerved by the heights. There were giant holograms showing what was happening on the ground. This time, the teams came from Ireland and Bulgaria, which were sub-states of the United Kingdom and the Eastern European Bloc. Kara then spoke to the crowd from her box.
"As your Supreme Leader, it gives me great pleasure to welcome each and every one of you to the final of the 10th Horseballs Cup. Let the match begin!" Kara said, her voice booming across the stadium.
As it happened, the Bulgarian team won. As expected, the Irish began to riot.
At their tents, the Weagans were getting drunk as fuck, celebrating the end of the Horseballs Cup. "Crumb, the way he rides his horse, he's like an artist," Ron said, drunk as fuck.
"I think you're in love, Ron," Ginny mocked.
"Shut up," Ron snapped at her.
His brothers proceeded to mock him further with song. It was then that the Weagans noticed some explosions and fires throughout the tents. "Looks like the Irish are pissed off again," Fred remarked.
"It's not the Irish. We need to get the fuck out of here," Arthur said as he ran up to them.
The situation became a clusterfuck as people ran off in a panic. A marching platoon of Death Eaters approached. They wore black hooded masks to disguise their identities. "It's like the evil version of the Ku Klux Klan," Ron remarked.
"Wait...what the fuck did I just hear?" Alex wondered.
Alex got separated from the rest of the group and got trampled on. She fell to the ground, knocked out cold.
Later that night, Alex awoke and saw a giant green skull in the air, acting as a warning. She noticed all the tents were burned down. Sighing, she got up and was immediately found by Ron and Harriet. "We've been looking everywhere for you," Harriet exclaimed.
"I hardly moved a few steps before I got taken out. How is that possible?" Alex asked.
"We thought we lost you forever," Ron said dramatically.
"Your family tent was literally right over there," Alex pointed out. Alex then suddenly grabbed Harriet and Ron and took them to the ground as law enforcement fired stun blasts at them from all directions.
"Stop, that's my son," Arthur intervened.
"Like, we give a shit about you," the police said to him.
"The princess is also right there," Arthur pointed out.
"Oh, shit," the police said, backing away.
Kara then arrived on the scene. "I can't have just one Horseballs Cup without there being a riot," she said, peeved. "Oh, hi, Alex."
"What the fuck is that about?" Alex pointed to the sky.
Kara eyed the ki image of the skull. "It's Mon's Deatheaters at it again."
"Why do you allow this to happen?" Alex asked.
"He's just fucking with you while you're going to the academy. No one got killed here, just a shit-ton of property damage," Kara said dismissively. "Go find the real terrorists," she ordered the police away.
On the train back to Edinburgh, Alex decided to flex again by buying the entire trolley for the entire train. Some of the female cadets smiled at Alex as they passed by, putting large lollipops in their mouths as they did. Alex gave them WTF looks but quickly recovered.
"You'd think there would be security or something," Harriet said of the Horseballs Cup.
"According to my dad, there was plenty of it. That's the fucked-up thing. It happened right under their noses," Ron said.
"It's Mon's instant transmission," Alex figured. "There's no way to provide security against that."
Upon arriving at the Imperial Academy, a shuttle arrived on the helipad, and a Navy destroyer arrived by sea. Professor Tumbledoor addressed the class after the first month's class had been sorted into their branches. "I'd like to make an announcement. This castle will not only be your home this month, but also home to some very special guests as well. You see, the United Kingdom has been chosen to host a legendary event: the Triathlon Tournament. For those who are ignorant, it's a series of physical, mental, and spiritual events. From each academy, a single cadet is chosen to compete. If chosen, you stand alone, and these contests are not for the whipped. But we can talk about that later. Please join me in welcoming the ladies of the Bordeaux Imperial Academy."
Alex eyed the Imperial cadets from France. Due to Brainiac 5's genetic meddling, the French cadets looked exactly the same as the English, and they all spoke English as their first language. France was split into two due to its large GDP. Southern France included Lyon, Bordeaux, Nice, Marseille, Andorra, Barcelona, and Valencia. Alex wondered why Kara hadn't sent her to this academy instead, but then thought better of it. Having so many attractive women in one place could be distracting and cause too much drama for her.
"Now, please greet the proud sons of Dobrich, Bulgaria," Professor Tumbledoor introduced.
As before, the Bulgarians looked identical to the English and French in appearance and also spoke English as a first language. Their uniforms were also the same as every other Imperial cadet on the planet. Viktor Crumb, the seeker of the Bulgarian Horseballs team, was among them. This was also a unisex school, but with only men. The Bulgarians were a sub-nation within the Eastern European Bloc that contained the Baltic States, Poland, Czechoslovakia, Hungary, Romania, Yugoslavia, and Albania. Therefore, while the Imperial Academy happened to be in Bulgaria, many of the cadets were from all across the Eastern European Bloc.
As the French and Bulgarians took their seats in the Great Hall, Professor Tumbledoor addressed the entire group. "Eternal glory awaits the cadet who wins the Triathlon Tournament and, more importantly, gets to skip the O-1 officer rank upon graduating. But to do this, the cadet must survive three tasks, three extremely dangerous tasks. To explain the risk assessment and liability, I give you the Supreme Leader."
The entire class stood up in attention as Kara entered the room. "This Triathlon occurs every year in all fifty nations...and the moon to form seventeen unique contests." Kara then approached a metal pillar that hosted a goblet on top. She fired heat vision into the goblet, lighting it on fire. A gas fuel container was inside the pillar, so the flame wouldn't go out.
"If you dare to enter the tournament, write your names on specially made name tags. Only three of these name tags are fire-resistant and will survive the fire. Those names will be selected for this tournament. Once you are selected, you are not allowed to bitch out. The Triathlon Tournament has begun," Kara declared.
Alex's first class was with the new Defense Against the Woke Arts. This time, the teacher was a Khund. He was bald with pinkish skin, fat, and had a cybernetic left eye that moved about independently of the other eye. "Alastor Moody, ex Imperial Security Bureau, ministry malcontent, and your new Defense Against the Woke Arts teacher. I'm here because Tumbledoor asked me to, end of story, piss off," he introduced himself.
"When it comes to the Woke Arts, I believe in a practical approach. Now, does anyone know the three dogmas of Wokeism?" Moody asked.
"Group over Person, Will over Reason, Power over Authority," Harriet replied.
"And all three will give you a one-way ticket to Abkhazia," Moody warned. "Now, the ministry thinks cadets are too inexperienced to learn these concepts. I say they don't know shit! You need to know what you're up against! You need to be prepared! You need to not put your gum underneath your desk! What the fuck, Mr. Seamen!"
"No way. Can he see in the back of his head?" Seamen wondered.
"And hear across classrooms!" Moody said pissed off. "So, which one is it going to be first? Weagan! Stand!"
"Group over Person," Ron stuttered.
"Take this spider," Moody said, and then placed the spider on the desk. "What does this spider have in common with ants and roaches? It's been...oppressed! Oppressed by mankind for thousands of years. Human beings squish spiders just like any other insect. So, what does a woke spider do? It sheds its identity as a spider, its own personal priorities, and its own allegiance to its own species, and marches with the ants and roaches against mankind."
The class saw an assortment of spiders, ants, and roaches forming battle formations for war. "However, as soon as they form, there is competition for who is the greatest victim. Who got fucked over more than any other. This creates infighting and they eat each other," Moody said, and then demonstrated the insects all killing each other in a frenzy in a sandbox.
"By raising victimhood as the highest moral virtue, individuals are less capable of triumphing over their grievances. Because as soon as they do, they're no longer in the group. To be woke is to fall into the pit and never get out of the pit." Moody then demonstrated by creating a pit in the sandbox. The insects began fighting amongst each other, ensuring not one insect escaped the pit.
"Another? Longbottom, is it? What's the second?" Moody asked Neville.
"Will over Reason," he answered.
"Correct! This dogma holds personal will at the expense of reason or accountability, maintaining that our purpose in life is to express ourselves. We are to acknowledge, reveal, and live out our authentic selves based on personal desires, especially sexual ones. Social taboos that limit our true selves are called bullshit and repression. The more unconventional the sexual desire, the more potential there is for liberation," Moody said, and then gave Alex a glance.
"Behold," Moody said as he made two male spiders attempt to mate with each other.
Neville eyed the spiders wide-eyed and was about to freak out. "Don't you see it's upsetting him?" Harriet objected.
"Fine, what's the third woke dogma?" Moody asked Harriet.
"Power over Authority," she answered.
"In civilized cultures, the authority of parents in the home, the authority of kings and queens to rule by Divine right, and the authority of the Vicar of Christ to show us Divine truth is countered by raw power. This power may come from numbers, from wealth, from weaponry. Might makes right, not Divine revelation, institutions, or honor systems," Moody said.
He then demonstrated by showing the ants overwhelming the spiders and killing them in the sandbox. "Only one person in the world manifests all three dogmas of woke, and she's sitting in this room," Moody stared Alex down.
"I'm not apologizing," Alex said, refusing to back down.
After class, Alex, Ron, and Harriet hung out near the Goblet of Fire. A number of British cadets were putting their names in. "I can't believe he tortured and killed insects to make his point. That's kind of fucked up," Harriet said.
"How else is he going to demonstrate it?" Ron asked.
"I could think of so many other ways," Harriet said scornfully. "Neville was fucking traumatized."
"Neville needs to stop being a bitch," Alex said, shaking her head.
"What did Moody mean that you manifest all three dogmas of woke?" Ron asked her.
"I simply believe in individual liberal and economic cooperation, just like all of you. The only difference is that I emphasize the right to sexual and personal freedom while you emphasize the right to own lethal as fuck weaponry and the ability to talk shit with impunity," Alex said simply.
Viktor Crumb then approached the Goblet of Fire and put his name in like a boss. Seeing as how no other Bulgarian put their name in, he was guaranteed to win by default.
That evening, Professor Tumbledoor ended the time to put names in the Goblet of Fire. He turned off the flame and then pulled out a name tag that hadn't been burned. "The Dobrich champion is Viktor Crumb," Professor Tumbledoor declared.
"Fuck yeah," Viktor said victoriously even though he won by default. His Bulgarian male classmates shook his hand, gave him bro-hugs, and pats on the butt.
"The champion for the Bordeaux, Fleur Coors," Professor Tumbledoor announced.
"Oh...my...God!" Fleur said excitedly and was kissed several times on the lips by her other classmates.
Alex gave a WTF look at both teams, wondering what to make of the 31st century decorum. "The Edinburgh champion is Cedric Diggory," Professor Tumbledoor announced. Cedric was in the Army branch and given a fairly normal congratulations by his classmates.
"Excellent, we now have our three champions, but in the end, only one will go down in history, only one will hoist this triumph of champions, this vessel of victory, the Triathlon Cup!" Professor Tumbledoor declared.
The Triathlon Cup appeared to be made out of crystal and glowed perpetually due to a radioactive element. It looked sick as fuck. Professor Nape then noticed there was another name in the goblet. "Professor...there is one other name," he said, handing it to him.
Professor Tumbledoor frowned as he read the name. "Alexandra Olsen," he said softly. "Alexandra Olsen!" he shouted out. Alex sighed and then went over to Professor Tumbledoor to get her nametag. The rest of the hall murmured against her, calling her a cheat. Alex awkwardly made her way to the trophy room, where the other three challengers were present.
"Alexandra, what the fucK? Did you put your name in the Goblet of Fire? Why the fuck would you do that? You made an ass out of me, this academy, and this entire tournament. Did you get someone else to put your name in the goblet for you? Who the fuck are they? I want their names; I want their ass!" Professor Tumbledoor yelled at her while holding a good grip on her.
"You need to calm the fuck down, Sir," Alex told him off.
"This is me being calm!" Professor Tumbledoor said, wide-eyed.
"Look, I didn't do shit, and I didn't ask anyone else to do shit," Alex said honestly.
Professor Tumbledoor withdrew from Alex, unsure of what to think. Every month since Alex's arrival had been a clusterfuck. "I leave this up to you, Supreme Leader," he said to Kara.
"The rules are absolute. The Goblet of Fire is a binding contract. Alex has no choice. She must compete," Kara said solemnly.
After Kara had left, Professor Tumbledoor met with Professor McGone, Nape, and Moody in his office. "This can't go on. First the skull mark and now this," Professor McGone said exasperatedly.
"What do you suggest?" Professor Tumbledoor said exhaustedly.
"Put an end to it. Prevent Alexandra Olsen from competing," Professor McGone said, obviously.
"You heard Kara. The rules are clear," Professor Tumbledoor reminded her.
"To hell with Kara and her rules. Since when did you give a fuck about Kara's rules?" Professor McGone said passionately.
"You trying to get me canned so you can take over?" Professor Tumbledoor asked suspiciously.
"I, too, find it difficult to believe this is a mere coincidence," Professor Nape said.
"Well...no shit," Professor Tumbledoor rolled his eyes.
"Perhaps, it would be best to let these events unfold, let Olsen compete, let her die, if need be, and maybe the clues of who put her name in the goblet will be discovered," Professor Nape suggested.
"That's fucked up, you're fucked up," Professor McGone scolded.
"I agree with Nape. Moody, keep an eye on Alex, but don't make it obvious you're doing so. Or, she'll end up counter-investigating you and getting you killed like the others," Professor Tumbledoor said.
"No problem," Moody nodded.
Alex was beside herself in her room. "How did you do it?" Ron interrupted her thoughts. "Never mind, doesn't matter though. Could have told your best mate, though."
"You going to cry on me, Ron? Whine like a bitch on me, Ron?" Alex mocked. "You're being fucking idiot."
"That's me, Alexandra Olsen's stupid sidekick friend," Ron said, passively aggressive.
"Look, I didn't put my name in the cup. Obviously, someone is trying to kill my ass...again. Can't you see that? I don't want eternal glory. I just want to get through this seven-month officer cadet course and get home to my wife and kid," Alex told him off.
"Yeah, piss off," Ron shook his head and went to bed.
The next day, the four champions were interviewed by Daily Planet reporter, Rita Repulsa. "You're the juicy news. What queer quirks lurk beneath those rosy cheeks. What mysteries do those muscles mask? What stunning and brave lies beneath your skin? What makes a champion tick?" she asked them all. "Me, myself, and I want to know. That wasn't a joke. I am schizophrenic as fuck. So, who wishes to share first?"
None of them answered. "Well, let's start with the queerest."
Rita pulled Alex aside inside a closet where they were literally breast to breast. "This is cozy," she said.
"It's a closet," Alex pointed out.
"Then, you should feel right at home," Rita mocked. "So, how does it feel to compete with three other cadets vastly younger and less experienced than yourself. Wouldn't you feel like a fuck-up if you lost? Or, are you already too old to athletically compete?"
"I haven't given it much thought," Alex admitted.
"Now, of course, you're no ordinary woman. Your story is legend. Do you think it was the trauma of your past that made you so keen to enter such a dangerous tournament? Are you addicted to danger? Are you suicidal?" Rita asked.
"No, I didn't enter," Alex clarified.
"Of course, you didn't. Everyone loves a rebel, Alex. Speaking of your parents, if they were alive, how would they feel knowing you're about to risk your life on the off-chance you win a tournament that will give you a slight pay-grade advantage in the 31st century due to your adopted alien sister who rules the galaxy?"
"Probably...concerned," Alex replied.
"Do you have a pathological need for attention or is it a psychotic death wish?" Rita asked.
"Yes," Alex admitted.
That evening, Alex eyed her datapad, which showed the Daily Planet article about her entitled, Queer Tragedy. "Well, that's bullshit," she sighed after she read it.
The next morning, Alex was hanging out with Neville when Harriet, Ron, and Ginny came by. Harriet awkwardly came up to Alex. "Ron wants me to tell you that Seamen told him that Dean told Parvati that Barney is looking for you," Harriet said.
"Okay," Alex shrugged.
The three of them awkwardly walked off. Alex rolled her eyes and found Brainiac 5 in the forest at night. "Did you bring your sister's cloak?" Brainiac 5 asked.
"So, that's where it came from?" Alex asked, surprised.
"Pay attention, this is important. Put the cloak on," Brainiac 5 instructed.
Alex put on the cloak as Brainiac 5 met with the headmistress of the Bordeaux Academy. There, she saw fire-breathing dragons in their cages. Brainiac 5 then took a stroll away from the dragons with Alex behind him. Once it was clear, Alex took off the cloak. "Really? Fucking dragons?"
"Kara asked me to repopulate the Earth with extinct creatures using DNA splicing. She also asked me to create legendary creatures as well from the Magic The Gathering card game," Brainiac 5 explained.
"Those things are lethal as fuck," Alex said stunned.
"Well, now you know what you will be up against," Brainiac 5 said.
"Fuck me," Alex sighed.
The next day, Alex saw several cadets with rainbow badges with her face on them. Alex wasn't sure if it was support or an insult, so she ignored them. She found Cedric with his army buddies in the quad. "Can I have a word?" Alex asked him.
"Alright," Cedric agreed as they took their conversation behind a tree. "Sup?"
"The first task is dragons. I saw them," Alex revealed.
"Oh, snap," Cedric said, surprised. "Do Crumb and Coors know?"
"Yeah," Alex nodded.
"Why are you telling me this?" Cedric asked, confused.
"I get you the intel, you complete your task, and my task. Then, I'll get you more intel. Then, you win the tournament," Alex said simply.
"Why don't you want to win?" Cedric asked.
"I'm already a princess. I don't need the rank, and I also don't want to bother with this silly tournament," Alex said.
"Yeah, well, why do you think I need your help?" Cedric asked.
"Because you're Army, you're dumb as fuck," Alex replied.
Cedric nodded, acknowledging this. "I'll make a half-hearted attempt to get the boys to not wear the badges."
"So, they are an insult," Alex realized and walked off in a huff.
"Why so tense, Olsen?" Drake mocked as he hung out in a tree. "My father and I have a bet, you see. I don't think you'll last ten minutes in this tournament. He disagrees. He says you won't last five."
"Is there a way I can get in on this bet?" Alex asked.
"Wait...what?" Drake thought he had misheard.
"You, come with me," Moody said to Alex, interrupting them. Alex followed Moody into his office, where he took off his mechanical leg. "Now, you weren't serious about throwing the tournament, were you?"
"Probably, maybe," Alex shrugged.
"What are you going to do about your dragon?" Moody asked, having overheard her talking to Cedric.
"Well, you know, I was thinking...to hit it really really hard," Alex said simply.
"Look, your pal, Cedric, has a watch that can sing you the time," Moody said.
"That's kind of cool," Alex allowed.
"And Miss Coor, she's as much a fairy princess as I am," Moody said.
"Are we talking live-action Disney princess?" Alex asked, confused.
"And Crumb may have a head full of sawdust, but his headmaster, Kakarrot, does not. He'll give Crumb a strategy that will play to his strengths," Moody said.
"Obviously," Alex said, unimpressed.
"What are your strengths?" Moody asked.
"I'm good at playing with horseballs," Alex said. "Wait...that came out wrong."
"You're allowed a pistol, and from what I've heard, you're the best shot around," Moody said seriously.
The next day, in a small stadium, the cadets and staff went to see the first task of the tournament. Alex wore a blue and gold navy sweatshirt as she hung out with the other champions in a tent. Harriet came by to give her some advice. "Just concentrate and...," she began.
"And battle a dragon," Alex finished for her.
Harriet then got emotional and gave Alex a hug goodbye. As it happened, Rita was in the tent, and she took a photo of them. "Look at that. Queer love...and adultery," she smiled.
"Shit," Alex realized.
"You have no place here. This tent is for champions and friends of champions," Viktor told her off.
"I've got what I wanted," Rita said and took off.
Professor Tumbledoor then entered the tent with Kara. He gave Harriet an odd look. "The fuck are you doing here, Miss Ranger?" he asked, confused.
"I'm sorry. I'll be going," Harriet said sheepishly.
"Gather around. Pull a baby dragon out of my sack," she ordered. One by one, they did. Alex finally took out hers, the Hungarian Horntail. "These represent four very real dragons. We had to manufacture a fourth one due to this fuck up. Now, your task is to get the golden egg. Without the egg, you're shit out of luck for the next task," Kara said.
"Good luck," Professor Tumbledoor said.
Alex went first, saw the egg in the middle of the arena, and put her hand up to surrender. The crowd booed her fiercely. The other three champions were successful in collecting an egg each, except for Cedric, who collected two. Alex was still in the tournament.
The next day at lunch, two twin girls from India walked up to Alex. "Hi, Alex," they said cheerfully as they walked past her.
"What the fuck?" Alex wondered as she enjoyed her coffee. Other female cadets were also looking at her oddly.
"Rita Repulsa has done it again," Harriet said as she read the article on her datapad. "Miss Ranger, a plain but ambitious girl, seems to be trying to get into the pants of our Imperial Highness, Princess Alexandra. Failing that, she's going to try to fuck Viktor Crumb. No word yet on how the princess will handle this news," she read out loud.
"I'm shocked and appalled," Alex rolled her eyes.
"What will your wife think about all this?" Harriet asked, concerned.
"She doesn't read crap," Alex assured her.
"Look, can we patch things up? I did tell you about the dragons," Ron said lamely.
"Barney told me about the dragons," Alex corrected.
"But I told you that Barney wanted to talk to you about the dragons," Ron said.
"I suppose that's true. Are you going to stop being an envious, autistic, red-headed stepchild prick?" Alex asked.
"Yes," Ron nodded.
"Alright, we're good," Alex assured him.
"So, who are you taking to the ball?" Harriet asked.
"The ball?" Alex questioned.
Professor McGone gave a class on the upcoming ball. "The Tri-Ball has been a tradition on the Triathlon Tournament since its inception ten years ago. As representatives of the host academy, I expect each and every one of you to put your best foot forward. So, do not get shit-faced drunk, do not fuck your date in the head, and do not make an ass out of yourself on the dance floor," she warned.
"This is bullshit," several cadets murmured to each other.
"Silence!" Professor McGone shouted down. "The Imperial Navy has commanded the respect of the military for the last ten years. I will not have you besmirch ten years of excellence by behaving like a bunch of babbling, bumbling band of baboons."
"You can tell she plays Scattergories," Alex said, impressed, to Harriet.
"Now, to dance, you must let the body breathe. Inside every straight girl, a secret swan slumbers longing to burst forth and take flight. Inside every straight boy, a lordly lion prepared to prance. Mr. Weagan, join me," Professor McGone said.
"Fuck," Ron realized as he got up.
Professor McGone then taught Ron how to dance since he was totally inept. "So...what the fuck am I supposed to do?" Alex wondered to Harriet.
The social scene became complicated as it got closer to the ball. Alex walked with Ron since it kept women away from her. "You're a Princess. If you can't get a date, who can?" Ron said, depressed.
"That raises so many questions. Would a straight woman be my date just because of my prestige?" Alex wondered.
The French female cadets all gave Ron and Alex dirty looks as they walked off. On the other hand, Viktor had a train of British women interested in him. He ignored them all as he did PT non-stop to get swoll.
In the study hall, Ron was apprehensive. "At this rate, neither of us is going to get a date."
"And Neville," Alex pointed out.
"Neville already has one," Harriet informed him.
"And I'm married, so I don't really care," Alex said.
"Wow, I feel like shit now," Ron realized. "Hey, Harriet, you're a girl, right? You got a date?"
"Yeah, Viktor Crumb," Harriet said nonchalantly.
"What the fuck? How did you score with the hottest guy here?" Ron asked, amazed.
"Easy. I taught him how to read," Harriet said, and then walked off.
"Fucking hell. We're just going to have to grit our teeth and do it. Tonight, when we get back to the common room, we snatch ourselves a girl, agreed?" Ron said.
"Agreed," Alex nodded.
In the Navy common room, Alex and Harriet listened to Ron's tale. "I asked Fleur Coor out," he said miserably.
"Swinging for the fences, are we?" Alex smiled, amused.
"There she was, walking by. You know how I like it when they walk," Ron said.
"He practically screamed at her. It was frightening," Ginny said.
"I'm not cut out for this. Maybe being straight isn't for me," Ron said, depressed. "I always liked looking at their behinds from behind."
"Look, we'll go together. Problem solved," Alex said finally.
"But...wouldn't that be...," Ron said, confused.
"Scandalous?" Alex rolled her eyes.
At the Tri-Ball, everyone was in their dress uniform. Alex showed up in style in her Princess-ranked uniform. While everyone else was in black, she was in white. Only Grand Admirals and above wore white dress uniforms. She had a white cape behind her, and her rank plaque was that of an O-15, dwarfing the cadets who had no rank at all. She was also stacked with numerous medals from her time in the Space Marines. Ron, on the other hand, looked like a schmuck in comparison.
"Your uniform scares me," Ron admitted.
"Good," Alex said, pleased.
With everyone's uniform being mostly the same, people stood out with their hairstyles. "Glad to see you get in the spirit of things, princess. It seems you're a princess with power one moment and a cadet with zero responsibility the next," Professor McGone said dryly.
"That is how I roll in this millennium," Alex agreed.
"Are you ready to dance? It's tradition that the Triathlon champions dance first at the Tri-Ball," Professor McGone said and walked off.
"Well...shit," Alex muttered.
Despite it being April, the theme of the ball was ice because...Scotland. There were ice castles, ice sculptures, an icy floor, and snow on the trees. In the back was the band conducted by a midget. "Put your hand on my waist," Alex instructed Ron. He did so and attempted to dance with her. It didn't take long for the staff to then enter the dance floor and take the spotlight.
Cedric danced like an experienced vampire, Viktor was dignified, and Fleur was a professional. Ron, on the other hand, danced like an autistic redheaded stepchild. Eventually, formality ended as everyone got drunk as fuck. It then turned into a rave with the midget conductor surfing the crowd.
"What does she see in him? He's dumb as fuck," Ron said bitterly, sitting with Alex away from the crowd.
"I imagine he didn't go to the library for the books," Alex agreed.
Viktor kissed Harriet's hand goodnight and released her. Harriet then sat down with Alex and Ron. "Hot, isn't it?" she asked, exhilarated.
"No," Alex and Ron said, obviously.
"Viktor is going to get drinks. Want to come along?" she asked.
"No," Ron said resentfully.
"What's got your penis in a knot?" Harriet demanded.
"You're fraternizing with the enemy," Ron said rudely.
"You were wanting his autograph a few weeks ago, you tool," Harriet pointed out. "The whole idea behind this tournament is to create international cooperation...to make friends."
"He doesn't want to be your friend. He wants to fuck you," Ron said bluntly.
"Look, next time there is a ball, ask me first and not as a last resort. You spoil everything, Ron," Harriet scolded him.
"Harriet, you scored the jackpot with Crumb. Why would you want to go with Ron? He's a piece of shit," Alex said, confused.
"Thanks, Alex," Ron said scornfully.
"I only went with Viktor because he's the jackpot and would make Ron jealous," Harriet said.
"Well, you succeeded," Ron toasted her.
"Still doesn't answer my question," Alex said smartly.
Harriet had no answer and took off a bit upset. "What's her deal? She's gone mental," Ron said bitterly.
"It's PTSD romance, Ron. She likes you because the two of you have been through trial and death together. I've seen it plenty of times. So...even though you are a piece of shit, you can still get her," Alex advised.
In her room, Alex had more PTSD nightmares. She was interrupted by Neville coming in drunk as fuck. "I just got in. Me," he said, pleased with himself.
"You mean you scored with Ginny?" Alex figured.
"Oh, no, not like that," Neville said awkwardly and then walked off.
The next morning, Alex and Harriet had a chat on the bridge. "The task is two days from now. You need to figure out that egg or your leverage with the other champions is gone," Harriet scolded.
"Really? Time does fly," Alex said unconcernedly. "Has Viktor already figured it out?"
"I don't know. He didn't talk about it," Harriet replied.
"You're really bad at gathering intelligence," Alex scolded.
"He didn't talk at all. Viktor is more of a physical being. I just mean he watches me study," Harriet said, embarrassedly. "It's a bit annoying, actually. I would prefer it if he fucked me."
"Way too much information, Harriet," Alex said, dismayed.
"You are trying to figure out the egg, right? These tasks can be hard, cruel. I'm scared for you," Harriet said.
Cedric then walked by. "Hey, go to the fifth-floor girls' head, take a bath, put the egg in the water. It will open and tell you what to do next," Alex said nonchalantly.
"Oh, shit, thanks," Cedric said and walked off.
"You knew?" Harriet said, peeved.
"I couldn't trust you to tell Viktor," Alex said, obviously.
Alex didn't study for the task and showed up feeling refreshed. The champions were led to the dock of the lake and put on boats. The spectators were present on three watchtowers overlooking the lake. "Welcome to the second task. At the bottom of the lake is a treasure. In order to win, each champion needs only to find their treasure and bring it to the surface. They will have one hour to do so, one hour only," Professor Tumbledoor announced.
The champions, except Alex, dived into the water. "I can't swim," Alex lied to Moody, who was right next to her.
"The fuck?" he wondered.
Kara frowned as she noticed Alex not partaking. As the hour was about to be up, the three other champions battled mermaids and crazy octopi. They brought up the bodies of other cadets to the surface. Cedric, for his part, brought up his own two bodies and then Alex's two bodies as well.
"Attention! The winner is Cedric Diggory!" Professor Tumbledoor announced. "And we have agreed to award Alexandra Olsen fourth place, who showed zero moral fiber and determination."
"Bite me," Alex rolled her eyes.
Afterward, Kara had a word with Alex away from the others in the woods. "Look, you have a remarkable story, quite tragic. You've lost your family; I have as well. Still, life goes on, and here we stand. Do you think your parents would have been proud of you abandoning two cadets to the depths?"
"Impressive gaslighting. Those cadets were drones so forgive me if I didn't risk my ass for them," Alex rolled her eyes.
"You couldn't have known that," Kara denied.
"The whole idea behind these tasks is intelligence gathering," Alex reminded her.
"That's not intelligence. That's guessing," Kara rebuked.
"But it is intelligence. It's a psychological analysis of you and the staff at this school. When a cadet was threatened with death during these last three months, the staff pissed their pants. So, no way they were going to allow eight cadets to die. Even if they had breathing apparatuses, those cadets would be dead in five minutes from hypothermia, not an hour," Alex said.
"Maybe I need to motivate you with a real threat to life. Remember, I can overrule the academy at any time," Kara said darkly and walked off in a huff.
For the last task, it ended up being a giant-ass maze. The stands were stationed at the entrance of the maze. "Earlier today, Professor Moody placed the Triathlon Cup deep within the maze. Only he knows its exact location. "Cedric Diggory will be the first to enter the maze, followed by Viktor Crumb, then Fleur Coors, and then Alexandra Olsen. The first person to touch the cup will be the winner. I have instructed my staff to patrol the perimeter. At any time, should a contestant wish to withdraw from the task, he or she need only send up a plasma bolt into the air with their pistol," Professor Tumbledoor announced.
"Contestants, gather around, quickly! In the maze, you won't find a dragon or a monster of the deep. You'll find something much more challenging, yourself. Find the cup if you can, just don't lose your mind along the way," Professor Tumbledoor warned.
"How ominous. I'm getting Shining vibes," Alex said unconcernedly.
"Champions, prepare yourselves. Begin," Professor Tumbledoor said, pointing to Cedric first.
"All of that bullshit just for a minute head start," Alex rolled her eyes.
Alex eventually entered the maze and got flashbacks to the time Kara ditched her in a corn maze in Midvale when they were teens. The maze was rather dark as it towered several meters tall, blocking out the sun a bit. "I bet Poison Ivy helped her with this maze," Alex figured.
As it happened, she did. The maze became alive, shifting continuously, forcing the champions to keep moving or get overwhelmed by the walls. Vines also went after champions who didn't keep moving. Alex heard a scream from Fleur as she had been ruthlessly attacked by Viktor who had evidently lost his mind...or had always been an asshole the entire time.
Alex decided her goal wasn't to win but to make sure Viktor didn't. She hunted him down as he hunted down Cedric. The three met at a point and engaged in a firefight. Alex and Cedric hit Viktor with stun blasts, knocking him unconscious.
"After you," Alex said to Cedric.
The two ran toward the glowing cup. As they did, the vines and vegetation became more hostile. Alex fired on the vegetation to keep herself and Cedric free of it. As Cedric stumbled to the ground, Alex picked him back up and blasted the vines off him. "Some game, huh?" Cedric said to her.
"It's been a trip," Alex admitted.
As the walls closed in on them, the two sprinted toward the cup. "You saved me. You take it," Cedric said sacrificially.
"We'll take it together," Alex allowed.
Upon touching it together, the two were instantly teleported to another spot.
Alex got her bearings and realized she was in a cemetery. "What the fuck?" she wondered. "Status?"
"I'm okay," Cedric said, getting to his feet. "The fuck, over?" he radioed his badge with no answer.
Mon casually walked toward them in black robes. "Two? I don't need the spare," he said and then blasted Cedric to the ground. He was knocked out cold. Mon then fired energy rings around Alex's wrists, ankles, and neck so that she was pinned to an angel statue tombstone.
Mon then fired a beam into the air that created a giant green skull as before. He then waited patiently for his death cult to arrive. There was an awkward moment between Mon and Alex as they waited. "You put my name in the Goblet of Fire," Alex accused.
"Well...no shit," Mon said, obviously. "Only I could teleport into the academy, put your name into the goblet, and then exit without anyone seeing."
"How did you know I would end up the winner?" Alex asked.
"Please, Alex, of course it would be you," Mon rolled his eyes. "Even when you don't even try, you easily beat inept cadets. Even if these cadets managed to become lieutenants, they'd still get lost in that maze."
Finally, the Death Eaters arrived wearing black hoods and skull masks. They were high-ranking Marine generals and colonels, the parents of some of the Marine cadets in Alex's class. Mon eyed Cedric's unconscious body. "Such a handsome boy. Enough to even tempt Alex, perhaps?" Mon mocked.
"Fuck yourself, Mon," Alex said scornfully.
"I'd introduce you, Alex, but word on the street is that you're almost as famous as me these days. The woman who can't be killed. How lies have fueled your legend, Alex. Shall I divulge the reality to them? How you have no powers at all? You see, it was love. When my dear wife landed on this shithole planet, she gave her life to the protection of Alex. With her power, she provided the ultimate protection. Not even I could touch her. But things have changed. I can touch you without Kara ever knowing," Mon said and then bonked Alex's forehead with his index finger.
"All your training has been non-stop for over a decade to make this event happen?" Alex mocked.
Mon released Alex from the angel statue. "Now, time for a duel." Alex was suddenly hit with a wave of pain as Mon fired on her. She wiggled on the ground with muscle spasms. "You resist me well for a human. Your parents would be proud, especially your bitch mother," Mon said to her.
Alex pointed her pistol at Mon and fired. Mon deflected the bolt easily. "I'm going to kill you, Alex. I'm going to destroy you. After tonight, no one will dare question my ruthlessness. If I were willing to kill you, I could kill anyone. If they speak of you, Alex, it will only be that you begged for death, and I, being a merciful Dark Lord, obliged."
Alex got back up and took cover among the tombstones. Mon fired at her, missing and hitting a tombstone instead. "Don't turn your back on me, Alex! I want to see the lights leave your eyes when I kill you!" Mon shouted at her.
Alex wasn't sure whether this was a game or real, but she wasn't going to cower. She got back up and faced Mon and his Death Eaters. "Have it your way," Alex said to him.
Mon held his hands to his side as he formed a ki attack. "Emak, Emak, Ah!" he shouted as he fired on her. Alex suddenly flared a red aura of Dark Phoenix fire around her and blocked the beam with her own as she raised her hand.
"Don't do shit. She's mine," Mon said to the other Death Eaters.
The Death Eaters backed away as the aura around Mon and Alex became larger. Mon powered up a greenish aura as he kept the beam war even between them. Energy discharges from the beam started hitting random tombstones. Alex found herself barely holding on but then saw psychic images of all those she had lost. "Alex, when the connection is broken, go to the cup. We can linger, but only for a moment," Jeremiah said to her.
Alex nodded, both encouraged and terrified of the ghostly vision of her late father. "Bring back the kid's body. That's an order," Hank said to her. "Let go, sweetheart, you're ready. Let go," Eliza said to her. Alex tilted her hand off to the side, breaking the connection. Mon's beam went past her shoulder and into the distance.
Psychic ghosts of all of Alex's dead relatives and friends rushed at Mon all at once. "What the fuck?" he said distractedly.
Alex ran to Cedric's body and reached out with her hand. The cup came into her hand. Alex then disappeared back into the maze. As the psychic images faded, Mon realized Alex was gone.
"Well...shit," he muttered.
Alex and Cedric teleported to the entrance of the maze. Immediately, there was a joyful celebration by the crowd. Alex began to cry as her fight with Mon had drawn out powers and feelings she had thought long buried. Kara was on Alex and Cedric in a flash as the staff surrounded them. Kara scanned Cedric to see if he was still alive.
"Take Mr. Diggory away to the infirmary," she ordered. Kara then took a knee next to Alex. "It's alright, it's alright," she told her. Cedric was then taken away with his father, Amos.
"Let's get out of here," Kara said to Alex and brought her back to the castle.
Inside the castle, Kara looked Alex over. She had some cuts and bruises from the fight. Her energy was also a bit erratic. "The cup was a teleportation device," Alex reported.
"Yeah, Alastar Moody has coincidentally disappeared," Kara said dryly. "Can't trust the Khunds for shit."
"Then, why did you let him teach at the academy?" Alex asked, confused.
"He's a war hero against the Dominators. Figured he would have been grateful for a visa, but Mon got to him first, apparently," Kara explained.
"What's Mon's deal?" Alex demanded. "He tried to kill me."
"He's just trying to help...in his own way," Kara downplayed. "You have an entity inside you. I don't know how it got to you or what, but it's still there. We have tried to zap it out of you with radiation extraction and psychic inhibitors, but it's been getting worse recently, hasn't it?"
Alex simply nodded. "It flares up when you're in mortal danger," Kara continued. "Mon thinks that if he can put you in mortal danger, he could drain the Dark Phoenix out of you."
"Would that work?" Alex asked curiously.
"If Mon is off by a hair, you'll be incinerated. Human bodies are fragile," Kara said hauntedly.
"Then, tell him to back off. He's made it his mission in life to fuck with me while I'm at this academy. It isn't fair. I do what you ask and I'm getting punished for it," Alex said, frustrated.
"It's possible Mon's approach would work," Kara said thoughtfully. "He's also difficult to control, even for me."
"Then take out his followers," Alex suggested.
"Did you see their faces, hear their voices?" Kara asked.
"Well, no, but I know it's the Marines' brass. I know it's Monroe," Alex insisted.
"I'm going to initiate a shakeup of the academy. Trust me on this," Kara assured her.
Soon thereafter, Professor Tumbledoor brought Cedric Diggory in front of the entire student body, including the French and Eastern European Bloc. "Today, we acknowledge the Triathlon Tournament Champion, Cedric Diggory. Cedric Diggory is known for being exceptionally hard working...off-screen, infinitely fair-minded...off-screen, and, most importantly, a fierce, fierce friend...also off-screen. While we may come from different places...on the same continent, and speak the same tongue, our hearts beat as one. In light of these events, the bonds of friendship we've made this month...off-screen, will be more important than ever. We now celebrate a man, kind and honest, brave and true...off-screen."
"Cedric Diggory, I hereby award you the Army Commendation award and a direct commission to First Lieutenant," Professor Tumbledoor said to him as he pinned the award to his uniform.
"Thank you, Sir," Cedric said, smiling.
At the end of the month, the French and Eastern Europeans departed the UK Imperial Academy as total losers. Alex, Ron, and Harriet met up as the foreigners departed. "Everything is going to change now, isn't it?" Harriet realized.
"Yes, but it's okay to be straight," Alex assured her.
"Be sure to write me social media messages every day during the break," Harriet requested of them both.
"Well, you know I won't," Ron scoffed.
"God damn it, Ron," Alex shook her head dismayed.
Author's Notes: While this movie/book expands the HP lore and world-building, it's done so in a very superficial way. The tournament itself is a WTF in how it risks the students' lives even more than the Death Eaters. There is some lazy off-screen action that is never shown. Still, the Tournament itself was a bit exciting, and the duel between HP and Voldemort was the best up to that point. Ralph Fiennes was perfect for the role of Voldemort, and the make-up was just right to make him alien-looking but human enough to see the performance. I also didn't mind fake Alastor Moody being a badass in every one of his scenes.
