[The story starts at the Gravity Falls Mall, where Dipper and Mabel are trying on shirts]
Dipper:Where's your best sibling now, Mabel?[giggles]
Mabel:Well, according to this T shirt, it says my best sibling is right here.[tickles Dipper, making him laugh]
Dipper:[jumps to the other side of her]How about now?
Mabel:[flips upside down with the arrow pointing to Dipper]Right by my side.[both laugh]Wow, clothing that announces our feelings for each other.[sniffs]Let's get them, Dipper.
Shubie:Can I help you two?
Mabel:I believe you can. My brother and I would like to purchase...
Dipper: Mabel.
Mabel: What is it Dipper?
Dipper:You...found a new best siblings.
Mabel:Oh, what are you...[sees her shirt point to Shubie next to her and screams]Wait, no, this isn't what it looks like!
Mabel:Dipper, look out, behind you!
Nazz:Excuse me, but does this come in...
Dipper:No! You're not my sister!
Mabel:We've gotta ditch these outfits! They're sending out the wrong signals![They tear off their shirts and stomp on them; they soon get kicked out of the mall]
Mabel:We need new outfits to show our best siblinginess, Dip.
Dipper:You mean like those guys?[points to man dressed up in red and blue uniforms]
Mabel:Yeah, just like those guys.[walk in the fields][sighs]Best sibling outfits like these really make a statement.
Dipper:Look at these guys!
Mabel:Wow! I like that one. Hey, mister, where did you and your brother get your matching outfits?
Bill:Oh, no, these aren't my brother. In fact, I hate just about everyone here, but my love for historical battles is so great, I join these losers every year to re-enact the battle of Gravity Falls.
Mabel:There was a battle of Gravity Falls?[Dipper and Bill gasp in shock]
Dipper:Well, duh, Mabel. It's only the most significant event in Gravity Falls history! Including to the journal. A long time ago, the town was divided into 2 groups[shows flashback of a man washing his hands]Those who spent all their time washing their hands like softies[shows Man's clean hands]
Nathiel Waters:Clean as a whistle!
Dipper:And those who had more important things to do with their time.[a Colonial version of Dipper comes out of a bathroom with filthy hands]
Colonial Dipper:That looks good to me.[walks away]
Nathiel:That is truly disgusting!
Colonial Dipper:[comes back after hearing that]Oh, yeah?
Nathiel:You can't go around our town touching things with those filthy mitts!
Colonial Dipper:Oh, yeah?!
Nathiel:Yes![Dipper slaps him with a glove and they begin fighting; a battleground is shown, with one cannon being filled with filth, and the other with soap bars]
Red Group:Wash your hands!
Blue Group:Never![the battle begins with the groups firing at each other. Flashback ends]
Dipper:And that's how we won our right to wash as we please.[he shows his filthy hands]
Bill:[disgusted]Oh, that's not what happened.[walks away]
Mabel:[looking disturbed]You don't wash your hands, Dipper?!
Dipper:Never have, never will I'm a busy guy.
Mabel:Echhh!
Dipper:Does that bother you, huh, Mabel?[flashback starts]They only had one ice cream cone.[has a scoop of ice cream in his hand]
Mabel:That's okay. Thank you, Dipper.[licks it off Dipper's hand. another flashback, with them eating at a restaurant. swallows food]So, anyway, I said...
Dipper:[interrupts]Oh, wait. You've got something on your tongue.
Mabel:Really?
Dipper:Here, I'll get it.[grabs Mabel's tongue and takes a piece of meat off it]
Mabel:Thank you.[flashback ends]Frankly, yes, Dipper, that does bother me.
Dipper:Well, then I guess we can't be my sister.
Mabel:What are you saying?
Dipper:Ugh, do I have to spell it out for you?[Licks his hand and writes on a brick wall]U... R... huh... How do you spell "not my sister"?
Mabel:Oh, come on, we can work this out. We'll start a new life, just you, me, and this can of disinfectant spray.[sprays all around her, making a spray house]Come on in, Dipper. Here, let me take your vest for you.[takes off Dipper's vest, which reveals filth on his body]
Dipper:No, thank you.[Pulls Mabel back toward him by the hand and takes back his vest]I happen to like my various smells and germs.
Mabel:But being clean is so much better.
Dipper:Well, says you. I like dirty.
Mabel:Clean!
Dipper:Dirty!
Mabel:Clean!
Harold:Excuse us, but we have a battle to re-enact.
Mabel:Fine, if that's how it is, then[tears off Fred's red outfit]I am joining the other side!
Dipper:[tears off Harold's blue outfit]Fine, me too!
Harold:Ah, come on! Let's go play somewhere else.
[cuts to Dipper looking through binoculars; Mabel sneaks up on him and gets his "nose"]
Mabel:Ha! Got your nose!
Dipper:Hey, give it back!
Mabel:Not until you wash your hands!
Dipper:Oh, yeah? Well[takes Mabel's sweater ]I got your sweater![giggles as he runs with them, but he soon sees that they are bombs, which squirt water out. Mabel gets her sweater back and laughs.]
[cuts to scene where Dipper forms into a cannon and he blasts his sweat at Mabel like a cannonball]
Mabel:[screams]Eww, sweat juice!
Dipper: Do you give up yet?
Mabel:Sorry, Dipper[wipes herself off], but a filthy slob like you is no match for a clean-cut fellow like me.
Dipper:Your skirt are falling down.
Mabel:Really?
Dipper:I'll fix it.[Stretches Mabel's skirt, filling it up with dirt, then yanks her underwear, making Mabel squish up with dirt]
Mabel:Satisfied?
Dipper:There, you look good now.
Mabel:You could use a makeover, though. Ugh, look at those feet.
Dipper:Why, what's wrong with them?[shows his feet are filthy]
Mabel:Don't worry, I'll take care of it.[attacks Dipper and starts doing a pedicure on his toenails]
Dipper:No! Not a pedicure![screams]No, no, not that, anything but tha-[screams]Nail polish?![shows his feet look better]You sick little monster, face my morning breath!
[Dipper inhales deeply and then exhales his foul breath, making Mabel break]
Mabel:You, sir, could use some dental hygiene![pulls out a toothbrush and toothpaste]
Dipper:Who, me? My teeth are fine, see?[shows his teeth are nasty and decaying]
Mabel:A little toothpaste, and you'll have teeth like mine.[shows Mabel's pearly white teeth. Dipper screams and runs away, with Mabel jumping on him and brushes his teeth]You got to brush in little circles![laughs]
Dipper:[throws her off]Minty fresh! Taste pit, evildoer![Dipper's armpit hairs fly out to grab Mabel and rub him on Dipper's armpit, getting Mabel's face very filthy]
Mabel:You're a stinky, stinky boy. I think you could use a shot of... this![shows deodorant spray]
Dipper:No! No, not... not deodorant![Mabel sprays the can. Dipper screams and runs away, but the spray makes Dipper cough and it also kills his hairs of his armpits and the bad odor smell]
Dipper:[sniffs his armpit]My beautiful pit stink, it's gone! The gloves are off now. It's booger time!
Mabel:Oh, booger, schmooger.[pokes his nose]
Dipper:Oh, yeah?[ Mabel gasps, and Dipper picks his nose]
Mabel:[screams]Booger![continues screaming while running to the front door of the Mystery Shack, with Dipper behind her]Run! Run, Grunkle Stan! Dipper is digging for gold![they run into the kitchen]
Stan:Gold?[giggles][runs into the kitchen to find the gold, but comes out with nothing]
Wendy:Did you get any of Dipper's "gold"?
Stan:He's not digging for any gold I'm looking for.
[cuts to the kitchen]
Dipper:Ha! I got you now!
Mabel:[looks around and sees a knife and two onions]Careful, Dipper, I got a weapon![throws two onions at Dipper's eyes]
Dipper:[screams]Raw onions?![starts crying, then gets angry and turns his face red]That does it![picks up two tomato]See this?
Mabel:A tomato? What are you going to do, eat it?
Dipper:Oh, I'm not going to eat it.[pulls it apart and puts two tomato on his feet]
Mabel:No, not tomato socks!
Dipper:[reveals two tomato to look like boots or shoes on Dipper's feet]That's right, your precious fruit on my stinky feet![starts stomping around]
Mabel:You better stop that!
Dipper:[laughs]Stinky, little feet![stomps and hops around]
Mabel:[getting angry]You stop that right now![She turns red and inflates angrily]
Dipper:Hopping...[Mabel blows up and sends Dipper flying]...[he lands in a dumpster and gets out]Hey, I got my filth back!
Mabel:Not for long, Mr. Sticky-Shorts! You won't have your filth once I use this on you![shows a soap bar and put it in her water gun]
Dipper:[terrified]No, not soap! You wouldn't dare!
Mabel:Try me!
Dipper:[lifts up the dumpster]Stay back, I'll do it!
Mabel:It's too late for that![Mabel breathes in deeply and starts shooting soap bubbles out of her water gun at Dipper, while Dipper throws the dumpster at Mabel. The bubbles hit Dipper, and Mabel laughs in victory, only to have the dumpster fall on her]
Dipper:[now clean]My beautiful filth! It's gone! I'm squeaky clean!
Mabel:[climbs out of dumpster and is quite filthy]I'm covered in muck and scum!
Dipper:Man, to get my filth back, I'll have to wallow in mud forever!
Mabel:It'll take weeks for me to get clean. I'll need 20 baths a day!
Dipper:Slather toe jam on my armpits?
Mabel:I'll have to disinfect my eyeballs!
Dipper:Smear slime on my teeth?
Mabel:And dry-clean my uvula!
[They think for a minute and after we hear a bell dinging, they giggle happily]
Both:All right!
Mabel:Now that I'm filthy, I can spend all day getting clean.
Dipper:And since I'm clean, I can get even filthier! Thanks, Mabel![shakes hands]
Mabel:No, Dipper, thank you. Awkward sibling hug.
Dipper: Awkward sibling hug.
Both:[they hug] Pat Pat! You're my best sibling ever!
Bill:Hey, what's going on here? This battle isn't over until we have a winner.
Mabel:[philosophically]Fret not, my brother, for I have learned the truth. It matters not whether one is dirty or clean, for can cleanliness exist without filthiness, and would we know filthiness without cleanliness? We must not re-enact the history that divides us, rather we must embrace that which draws us together. All must be free to choose their own path. Right, brother Dipper?
Dipper: Right sister Mabel.
Mabel:[nods]Mm-hmm, he has embraced the truth.
Bill:Wow! I think the little girl has taught us a valuable lesson.
Mabel:And what is that, my brother?
Bill:That re-enacting battles is really lame![talks to the other man] Come on, guys, let's play something more manly, like football!
Harold:Or hockey!
Thaddeus:Or knitting fluffy sweaters!
[All pause, and then run off, cheering]
Mabel: Come, Dipper, my work here is done.
[walks off into the sunset, with Dipper.]
