(A/N: changing how the texts are formatted bcs I am lazy lol. Also, how did I only find this out today. If you press Shift and Enter at the same time, the line goes directly under the other as you can see in this fic. Anyway, y'all prob already knew, but it was a welcome revelation to me when I excedentally made that happen.)

Amount of words: 3290

Trigger warning(s):mentions of stabbing (or kebapping if you like), blood, fainting, blood loss

Includes but is not limited to:trying to hide an injury(Peter)

Coulson, at 3:46 am:You have cards for every avners

so for captain america etc
so also cards of you
theyre like pokemon cards for adults

Hill:more like for geeks like you
though the spiderman card is pretty cool

Coulson:yeah, so you have like 10 different types
and I have all ten :)
You don't need to sign all of them tho if u dont want
one is just fine

Spiderman is now online

Spider-Man:I don't mind signing them all
question tho
wh up?

Steve, tony, bruce, strange,wanda, pietro, sam, bucky, thor, bucky, nat, clint and nick are now online

Bucky:we were on a mission just now that they were coordinating
we r done though and coming back to the town
eta is like 5 minutes

Spider-Man:cool
question
if someone stabs you in the stomach
and the tip of the blad comes out on the other end
have you been stabbed
impaled
or kebapped?

Steve:is this a meme?

Spider-Man:nope
its a genuine question

Nick:uhh,
kebapped?

(Spider-Man is offline)

Nat:spidey why do u ask?

Clint:Wait, were you stabbed?

Tony:SPIDEY WHAT IS GOING ON?

Bucky:dude mind replying

Strange:u should rly answer
r u okay
have you been stabbed

Bruce:dude, pls answer
Tony is on the verge of a panic attack

Thor:man of spiders are you alright?

(Spider-Man is online)

Spider-Man:nah im fine
sry for scaring u guys
i just had to go offline to deal with a mugger

Nat:okay, but why did you want to know?

Spider-Man:he had a katanna
I wanted to make up a joke in case he did in fact kebap me
but I needed to know the right terminology
in the end I couldnt even use the joke bcs I expertly dodged the knife

Nat:okay, u sure ur okay?
ur not lying

Spider-Man:nah

Tony:what r u doing up?

Spider-Man:patrol ofc

Tony:have u been patrolling since 6?

Spider-Man:...
no

Tony:GO TO BED!

Spider-Man:not that ur my dad
but i will
only bcs I was already planning on it

Steve:okay in all fairness tony
u see why I thought he was a teenager
he is an adult who acts like one

Spider-Man:I just live by the quote that goes
dont grow up too early

Scott:same

Nat:so does Clint

Clint:how am in a relationship with you?
ur so mean

Nick:in all fairness
im pretty sure you all live by that quote
now you all should go to bed
bcs I am and will no longer respond to any texts
which means this groupchat will become broing

Tony:and you calledmethe narcissist
sure Nick,
im the narcissist

Spider-Man:my wallpaper now is tony admittign hes a narcissit

Tony:...
u just called me tony
why?
I need to know so I can trick my intern into calling me that as well
pleasseeee
spidey I need to knoowwww

Nat:u r such a child

Spider-Man:Ill leave u to guess
bye
gonna crash

Thor:oh no!
where are you?
ill catch you!
quick tell me

Spider-Man:not that kinda crashing

Clint:sheesh Shakespeare in the park
learn some slang

Tony:u used my nickname for him!

Clint:I regret this already

Wanda:and i oop
I have a screenshot

*le time skip brought to you by last two sleep-deprived braincells*

Peter sighed as he walked in at exactly 10:30 the next morning at work. He groaned in unhappiness as his stab wound stung with every step he took - and yes, he had been kebapped. He didn't really know why he had asked the Avengers' opinion on how to name the stab wound, but he felt it only fitting, since the commissioner had asked what the guy's crime had been (petty theft and now also kebapping). The commissioner had told him to go to the hospital, and that it was not called that. What it was called, Peter didn't necessarily know.

Peter groaned as he waved a sullen hello to Janet, he frowned when she noticed his glum attitude. Peter slowly made his way to the elevator, every single step sending knives of pain through his body.

You might be wondering: why did he not go to the hospital. Two reasons: 1: America sucks and health care is not free (sorry Americans, but y'all know its true) and 2: secret identity dude. DNA would prob be taken if they saw hi spider dna, questions would be asked. He didnotwant a debacle again like with dear old Quentin Beck.

Peter's head swam and his vision darkened as he excedentally tripped over his own feet, but finally, he reached the elevator. Quickly sinking down on one of the benches provided inside.

'Good morning, mister Parker.' FRIDAY's voice said above him, sounding way too loud in Peter's ears, 'You seem to have a through and through stab wound and have lost a lot of blood. Your blood pressure is way to high, you seem to suffer from nausea, dizziness and loss of awareness.'

'Yeah, no shit Sherlock.' Peter pouted, groaning at FRIDAY's loud voice and at his own.

'You also seem to be suffering from sensory overload. Shall I inform Master Stark?'

Peter shot up: 'No FRI, don't do that. I'm fine. I'm okay. Really.'

FRIDAY did not respond, which Peter took as a win as he sat back on the bench. All he had to do was just act like everything was fine and get through the day. Just don't faint - in all fairness: FRIDAY was overexagerating, he had only fainted 5 times this morning! - and he would be fine. Then he would go home and figure stuff out.

Deffinetly not call in sick though: Tony was like a mother hen to him and the second he would hear he was sick, he'd probably send a whole team of doctor's to find out what was wrong. Peter chuckled to himself as he thought of the groupchat: Tony really had no idea he had been talking about his intern, with his intern. All in all: quite funny.

'We will arrive in the common room in one minute.' FRIDAY told him, making him jump at her voice. Peter closed his eyes for a bit, not wanting the bothersome light to come in. Why did he get, today of all days, a sensory overload? Wasn't being kebapped -he refused to call it a through and through stab wound- enought? Seriously, Parker Luck TM always found the most horrid of moments to strike.

*back in time skip, brought to you by my personality, which consists of memes and memes alone*

The Avengers were seated around the breakfast table, having a debrief with Coulson, Nick and Hill, and were just about to finish, when Fury spoke up:

'So, I know how Spider-Man rejected Stark's offer to become an Avenger...' he started, making the other Avengers raise their eyebrows, so Fury elaborated: 'Oh yeah, Tony offered for Spider-Man to become an avenger about 2 years ago but he declined because he wanted to keep on looking out for the little guy.' he explained quickly.

'Wait really?' Wanda asked incredulously, glancing over at Pietro, who spoke up:

'Can I just say: my respect for that guy grows with the day. '

Nat huffed: 'He'll get my total respect if he suscesfully hides an injury. That is top tier hero stuff.'

'Nat, I'm pretty sure that's just top tier Nat stuff,' Clint corrected her, 'And also very stupid and dumb. I hope with my whole heart that he is not the male version of Nat and actually tells people when he is wounded.'

Nat shrugged: 'Oh come off it, I would notice of course and act annoyed for hiding it so in the end he would be fine.'

'Have you ever realised you might be the more self-destructive person in this relationship?' Tony asked with a grin.

Clint shook his head: 'Nah, she's bad, but you're worse.' this comment made the others laugh, until Fury cleared his throat to gather their attention:

'I want you guys to do him another offer: he can be an Avenger, but can sit out on certain lengthy missions so he can continue to protect Queens - whatever his obsession is with that place.'

'Probably lives there. ' Bucky reasoned.

'So does my intern!' Tony cried out excitedly, going into full-proud-dad-mode: 'Also, uhm, remind me to inform Pepper that I am upgrading him to junior scientist. He's too good to be a personal intern. Still, he'd do the same job, but he deserves the title.'

Clint rolled his eyes, but Bruce nodded: 'Or scientist really, he could fit that one as well if we're being honest.'

'Talking about your intern,' Nat said, frowning, 'isn't he here yet usually?' Tony shrugged, so Nat turned to the ceiling, about to ask Friday about Peter's whereabouts, when she spoke up first:

'Master Stark, Mister Parker is in the elevator. He has increased blood pressure, nausea, dizziness, sensory overload, loss of awareness, dangerous amounts of blood loss and a through-and-through stab wound to the abdomen. He told me not to inform you.'

And like that, all hell broke loose as Bruce ran to the medbay to get it prepared;
Tony cursed Peter out in every language he could think of because he was trying to hide being injured - which was 5, so quite a lot;
Nat had turned pale, immediately rethinking her wishes for Spider-Man to walk off an injury and apologising to Clint for how he must have felt every time she did that;
Clint relished in victory, until he realised the kid was dying:
Wanda was trying to keep sane while everyone screamed
and Nick Fury was frowning, talking with Coulson and Hill, soon joined by the 3 assassins on the team as they all decided on something.

Which was when Peter decided to nonchalantly walk in, shout a hello to everyone, plop himself down on a chair by the table and smile a broad smile: 'How's everyone's day going?' he asked happily.

And Nat had to give it to him: he was very good at this.

*Time skip a few seconds back brought to you by the orange highlighter my younger brother found in the trash and gifted me (I will treasure it now forever)*

Peter sighed out deeply as he walked out of the elevator, finding the usually chaotic Avengers Team even more chaotic, and Nat was... Pale? Was she okay?

He shoved these thoughts aside as he put on a fake smile, waved hello to every single person, then plopped himself down on a chair by the table:

'How's everyone's day going?' he asked with fake happiness, wishing the black spots before his eyes would go.

They all just stared at him, until finally Tony broke the silence:

'You got stabbed.'

'Nope, I didn't. I think I would know if I got stabbed.' Peter responded.

'FRIDAY informed me.'

'Well, she's gotta be wrong Mr Stark. How would I get stabbed? I'm not one for the hero life: I stay far away from trouble, so the chances of me getting stabbed are close to zero.' he answered in a chipper manner, wondering since when there were three Tony's. He shook the thought off: there were not three Tony's, there was only one, his vision was just kinda weird right now.

From the ceiling, he heard FRIDAY's voice boom, and he quickly covered his ears with a hiss as she spoke, causing Tony to look even more concerned: 'Sir, he is suffering from level 1 Sensory Overload.' she informed them, but that much was very obvious as Peter was biting back tears, his hands over his ears as FRIDAY continued: 'It is probably due to his unattended stab wound. Shall I dim the lights?'

'Yes FRI, you do that.' Tony answered, whispering as to not hurt Peter anymore.

Peter swallowed back his tears as he slowly removed his hands from his ears, looking up at Tony, Peter's eyes glistening with tears: 'There's no way you're going to believe I'm fine, is there?' he asked soflty, as his vision darkened even more and he blinked sluggishly. He knew what was about to happen before it did - after all, it had already happened 5 times that day - he was going to faint.

He felt himself fall off of the chair and heard shouting. A strong metal arm caught him before his head hit the floor. Faintly he heard someone calling his name, asking him to do something, but what it was he didn't know. Then the silence came and he smiled, mumbeling: 'It's quiet, that's nice.' then, darkness engulfed him as he went limp in Bucky's arms.

*time travel back to a few seconds in the past, brought to you by the thunderstorm outside*

Bucky noticed it before anyone that Peter was about to faint. He acted immediately, rushing off of his chair, making it fall to the ground in the process, only catching Peter's limp form just in time. He slowly lowered him to the ground as behind him he promptly heard Tony getting a panic attack and Pepper, who had walked in on the chaos, calming him down.

Stephen Strange was beside him in a heartbeat. Peter was still semi-conscious, his eyelids fluttering open and closed.

'Peter, Peter, can you hear me?!' Strange cried, softly jostling the teenager, but no response came.

'Peter, Please stay awake, please.' Bucky begged the teenager, and finally they got a response as behind them they heard Tony's ragged breathing, Pepper's reassuring words, Clint and Natasha's murder plans and Sam's medical advice.

'It's quiet,' Peter spoke softly, much to everyone's surprise, 'that's nice.' Bucky sucked in a breath: the room was not quiet. The room was loud and obnoxious. He felt Peter go even more limp in his arms as he finally gave into the darkness, a smile still on his lips as he enjoyed the quiet.

*le time skip to the future, 1.5 days to be exact, brought to you by the non-working-pen I still have lying around even though it is of no use*

Peter awoke to the loud obnoxious noise of a heart monitor beeping. He furrowed his eyebrows in annoyance as he tried to remember what happened.

'Hey bud,' A voice spoke from the side of the bed: Tony, 'Can you open your eyes for me kiddo?'

Slowly Peter opened his eyes, though it was with big difficulty, to find Tony looking down at him, a concerned smile on his face: 'You gave us quite the scare there bud.' he chuckled lightly, though Peter saw Tony was being serious.

'T'is but a scratch.' he quoted cheekily, making Tony ruffle his hair, 'I feel weird.' he admitted, making Tony chuckle:

'That's the Cap's painkillers. Normal ones wouldn't work on you for some reason, apparently one of your parents was a mutant and now you have a higher metabolism. Right?' Peter nodded:

'Yeah, that's why I get hungry so fast.'

'You should have told me.'

'Sorry: it's just, the world isn't too welcoming of mutants to put it lightly.' Peter admitted, leaving out the part of what kind of mutant he was.

'Ugh, so you thought: hey this guy has mutant friends, I should totally not trust him with that secret?'

'Well, come on, if you say it like that I sound stupid!' Peter whined, 'But yeah. Also I'm not stupid, but I can't go to a hospital for obvious reasons.'

'Don't worry bud, I get it. Oh, Steve was interested if you wanted to do this: some tests to see if you have powers, that would be cool right?'

'I guess, but as I said: I'm not really the hero type dad.' Peter responded with a yawn, already growing drowsy and not at all aware of what he just called Tony.

Tony's eyes sprung full of tears as he ruffled the boy's hair: 'You just get some sleep okay?'

'Mkay.' Peter responded, and he was out like a light.

*later zhat day*

*In the Avengers groupchat*

(Spider-Man is now online)

Nat:And the devil returneth back after almost 2 days of being offline
srysly kid, develop a fomo: this group is boring without you.

Clint:agreed,
Tony's memes suck.

Spider-Man:haha lol yeah I saw them
here, have some good culture:

Steve:okay that is not true

Tony:I agree with Steve on this one

Thor:I disagree with them:
I am funny

Tony and Steve:

Spider-Man:oh my

Scott:did

Nat:Steve

Clint:just

Sam:use

Wanda:an

Pietro:emoji?!

Spider-Man:lol, the world has come to an end
brace yourselves people, the end of the world is nigh
hug your loved ones while you still have the chance!

Strange:Y'all are so extra

Bucky:That sounded so wrong coming from you
Also Tony hows ur intern doing
he okay?
you havent given us an update yet?

Sam:also did you decide whether to promot him to junior scientist or scientist?

Pepper:yeah Tony I need to know for the administration
also Morgan says you need to adopt him now
its up to you to convince her otherwise

Tony:What if I agree with her?

Pepper:...
I'll get the papers ready then
but let me say this
all the stupid stuff he does,
will be on you.

Tony:when has he ever done something stupid?

Steve:are you fr right now?
he literally hid an injury two days ago

Nat:...
in all honesty...
that was cool
and he was really good at faking!
and Tony, maybe don't discuss adopting someone in this chat

Tony:like why not though?
also is nobody going to comment on the fact that cap used slang?

Clint:...

Phil Coulson:...

Nick Fury:...

Nat:...

Bucky:...

Sam:okay, who all knows, vote in this poll

(insert Poll). Clint, Nat, Phil, Nick, Bucky, Sam, Steve, Wanda and Pietro all voted I know.

Spider-Man:I think the fact that I have no clue what this poll is about is enough evidence that I don't know.

Tony:dont worry, Im just as clueless as you

Spider-Man:ur always clueless tony
you don't count
jk

Tony:rude

Clint:So who is going to tell dear tony about his darling intern

Bucky:not it
btw spiderman,
hows your kebapped abdomen doing?

Spider-Man:its great!

Nat:now the truth

Spider-Man:hurts like hell

Bruce:Dude, you should tell me this stuff
hold on, im coming over to give more painkillers

Tony:hold on,
Spidey is sick in our compound and I didn't know?
why did no one tell me.
wait, you got stabbed?!
oh my goodness
every person in my life is trying to give me a heartattack!
are you okay?

Spider-Man:...
I think I know what the poll was about
lol
and I'm fine, stop freaking out

Nat:so spidey
how do you feel about the adoption thing?

Spider-Man:I am very supportive

Tony:Thanks
you think he'll like me as a dad?
I mean: he always stayed with his hot aunt after his parents death
but then she died last year and he got a place of his own
but no 16-year-old should live on his own yknow
wait, you think he even likes me
what if he hates me
he called me dad when he woke up the first time
but

Spider-Man:He CaLlEd YoU wHaT?!

Tony:oh yeah haha
he called me dad
he wont remember though
he was kinda out of it thanks to the meds

Spider-Man:well
that happened

Nat:awwwwwhhhhh

Clint:I am enjoying this so much
he fr did not remember

Tony:wait you told him
ur in his room
dont tell him about the adoption
i want it to be a surprise

Pepper:hey just realised what the poll was about guys
I realise a lot of things
one of them being that you tony have lost the element of surprise
also Morgan would like me to infrom you that you are silly and should know since youre a genius

Tony:what are you talking aout?

Bucky:Haha
seriously, with all the hints we have been dropping

Spider-Man:maybe he is like a deep well of wisdom
so it takes some time before the hints drop to the bottom and r understood :)

Tony:ok, pelaase someone spell it out for me.
and once again spidey
your almost just as obnoxious and annoying and sassy as my intern

Sam:Dude

Wanda:you

Scott:have

Pietro:been

Strange:texting

Spider-Man:him

Nat:this

Clint:whole

Pepper:time

Tony:well yeah I text him occasionally
dont see why you are being so dramatic over it

Spider-Man:...
I work for an idiot

Tony:...
Oh my goodness Peter?!