TRIGGER WARNING: IF YOU LIKE WEEVIL UNDERWOOD, YOU WILL NOT LIKE THIS CHAPTER. ALSO, YOU FUCKING LIKE WEEVIL UNDERWOOD? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? LIKE, I'M NOT GOING TO KINK SHAME YOU. IF YOU WANT TO LOOK UP PHOTOS OF JOHNNY CAGE BEING MPREG OR POISON IVY TICKLING SUPERGIRL, THAT IS ON YOU. NOT MY CIRCUS, NOT MY MONKEYS. BUT WEEVIL? WEEVIL. COME ON!
I snapped awake and groaned loudly.
"Ed?" Joey said groggily as I slowly sat up and looked around. I saw many of my friends in sleeping bags around me and it took me a minute to realize we were all in my living room, it dark out with a Christmas tree shining and glimmering brightly in the corner with a mound of presents set up under it. On a table was a glass of milk that had been drained and crumbles on a plate. It was the usual suspects who were bedded down: Yugi, Tristan, Joey, Duke, Koyo, Tea, Serenity, Mai, Renard, and Yuri. Everyone in different types of sleeping wear.
"Filler arc already?" I muttered. "Its only been an hour or two." I frowned as I looked over at my phone, grabbing it.
"What's goin' on, Ed?" Joey said with a yawn, slowly stretching.
"Just making sure Lucifer and Chloe aren't coming for a visit," I muttered, not sure if I could handle another murder mystery.
"Eh?" Joey said in confusion even as Troy appeared… in pajamas.
"Come on, boss, I was sleeping," he said. I opened my mouth to point out he was a phone only to snap my jaw shut; technically computers and such did have sleep modes so he wasn't wrong. "Huh, filler arc again?"
"Yup," I told him as the others began to stir.
"Edwin?" Mai said, eyes fluttering open.
I grimaced, seeing the others were waking up due to me moving around and muttering to myself. "Sorry, go back to sleep…"
"What's going on-?" Mai asked only for Joey to suddenly spring up.
"Man, why are we sleepin' in when its Christmas mornin'!?"
That got everyone else moving and as I looked at the others their expressions were either excitement or dread. Which emotion each wore depended if they were Meta Aware at the moment. Joey, Yugi, and Tristan were scrambling towards the tree, discussing how to handle passing out the presents. Duke and Koyo were suggesting we get breakfast first, though that then lead to Joey and Tristan getting into a spirited debate about if we should go with something quick like cereal or make a big meal like pancakes. Yugi then pipped up that we could order out for donuts or the like and that led to a bigger debate.
Meanwhile I found Mai, Yuri, Renard, Tea, Troy, and surprisingly enough Serenity coming up to me, looking utterly down.
"Filler Arc?" Serenity asked.
"You're Meta Aware?" Tea asked, surprised.
"Yeah," she said with a sigh. "I… had a bit of a mental breakdown during Pegasus' duel against Leitcher and I realized I'm in an anime."
"Welcome to the club," Yuri said, patting her on the shoulder. "On the plus side we get cool weapons. Edwin got us all lightsabers the last time."
"Awwwwww," Serenity whined.
"Don't worry," I assured her, "I bet we get something else this Christmas. That's how our luck works."
Renard though looked abut. "Perhaps we will get lucky this time, Captain? I mean, we are waking up ON Christmas day…"
"Well, Christmas morning," I said, looking at my phone. 4am. Seriously, that was early even for me and I was shocked that everyone was handling it so well. 'Though it might be that we never actually stayed up last night, even if my memories are telling me we did.' According to my filler arc memories the gang and I had stayed up the night before watching cheesy Christmas movies. The Claymation ones that everyone loved but also were easy to mock. "So yeah, you might be right." I rolled my shoulders and got up, offering a hand to Mai who happily took it. "Alright!" I snarled.
Joey, who had gotten Tristan in a headlock, blinked as he saw that I wasn't smiling and quickly released his friend, the other teens all snapping to attention.
"So here is what we are going to do," I said sternly. "I am going to make breakfast." I held up my hand before anyone could argue. "Yes yes, its my birthday but I WANT to make breakfast. I'm doing pancakes. You guys are going to find some good classical Christmas music we can play and also make sure that all the lights are on and everything is looking good in here." I searched my filler arc memories again and smiled as plans popped in. "My dad and brother… the ones from the multiverse… are going to be here in a few hours so I want to make sure we're ready for them. Edna too. And Pegasus is coming with his sons for dinner. Yugi's grandpa is asleep in the guest room but he'll wake up when he smells food." I began to point at the others. "Yuri. Tea. Your moms are coming for lunch. Koyo, your sister will be here in the morning so text her we're doing breakfast if she wants to come early. Duke, your dad is showing up just before dinner, right?"
"That's right," Duke stated. "He and mom are visiting my aunts and I am getting out of that nightmare."
"Ya gonna have enough room for everyone, Ed?" Joey asked.
"A few floors down there is a dining hall my uncle set up. He can't join us until New Years, what with his plane stuck in America-" he was apparently visiting my dad and brother from THIS reality and since they didn't know about the Millennium Key I couldn't just pop over. "Joey and Serenity: your parents are banned."
"…far enough," Serenity said with a shrug.
"The KaibaCorp staff that have family here, or didn't leave the city to go see family, will be coming by between 10am and 4pm. Seto is going to be by in a few hours with Mokuba, though he did warn they might be late. Grinch, you invite Cindy Lou Who?"
"She couldn't make it," the Grinch said and I nodded only to realize just who I was talking to.
"Mother fucker," I growled.
"I will have you know I never fucked a single mother," the one-eyed green figure said dryly. "Now then, we have other matters to concern us about."
"I already told you I have no interest in joining your Christmas Avengers," I snapped.
"Then the world is doomed, otherwise," the Grinch said and I let out a groan as I realized that some new threat had come up.
"What is it this time?" I snapped. "Rudolph went on a rampage? Mrs. Claus turned into a gorgan?"
The Grinch shook his head. "The dwarves delves too deeply and too greedily."
"…what?"
"The dwarves, who help mine for the coal that Santa gives to naughty children. It has to come from somewhere and that is the mines of the North Pole Dwarves. But this year they delved too deeply and too greedily."
I shut my eyes. "Oh fuck, it's a Balrog."
"A Christmas Balrog," Tea said and I shot her a dark glance. "Sorry but it most likely is. With a little santa hat and everything."
"It is currently rampaging through the tunnels under the workshop. The dwarves are doing what they can to slow it down but they won't be able to stop it. And when it breaches the surface…"
"Ed… ya gots ta help!" Joey said. "Sure, Santa Claus got done doin' his rounds this year… but what about every Christmas after this?"
"Fucking hell!" I roared again in frustration before firing off Gleipnir, everyone diving for cover as it shot out into my room and then snapped back with my Morpher. "Fine!"
"We're coming to!" Tea declared. "We aren't leaving this for you on your own."
"He only asked for me," I told Tea.
But it was, of all people, Duke who spoke up. "We're part of your team, Edwin. If it was one of us that needed help you'd be doing all you could to help, right?"
That was true and I couldn't exactly argue that it was dangerous; they had been there for the Battle of the Eternal Gate, after all.
"Alright… I have three demands, Grinch."
The Grinch merely nodded. "I assumed as much."
"One, I need you to get some gear for all of us. I assume you can't get morphers but Santa must have something."
Reaching into his red suit's pocket he pulled out a bundle of sparkly wands. "These will grant you magical abilities that will aid you in battle."
I raised an eyebrow but motioned towards the others and the Grinch began to hand out the wands.
"These better not be Harry Potter related. Not dealing with that fucking Terf. Second," I said. "It is 4am. We are getting back here before the morning is gone. So I want the best breakfast spread you can whip up."
"I am sure Mrs. Claus and the elves will be happy to provide. And the third?"
"We NEVER speak of this again," I warned. "I want no tales about this. No songs. I don't need my birthday and Christmas wasted dealing with this crap every year. Deal?"
"Deal. It will not appear in the fanfic."
"The what now?"
"The public at large. It will only be known to those that look in the Annuls of Christmas."
"Fair enough," I said before rolling my shoulders and cracking my neck. "Alright kids… let's go slay a balrog."
My friends all cheered and the Grinch, after showing me a photo of the North Pole, motioned towards my door and we stepped through-
~MC~MC~MC~
Weevil Underwood frowned as he looked at his calendar. All the little boxes on it were blank white, taunting him.
While the rest of the world was getting up and preparing to celebrate Christmas Weevil had been up all night, loudly watching tv in his room. It was something he normally did, much to the irritation of his housemates (aka his parents) but they had left him a week ago to go on a Christmas vacation. They had offered to let him come along but Weevil had scoffed; what joy would he find on a cruise?
~MC~MC~MC~
"It truly is so sad Weevil isn't here," Mrs. Underwood said, watching as the National Convention for Sexy Entomologists played strip water volley ball.
"I'm sure he is having a good Christmas on his own," Mr. Underwood stated.
~MC~MC~MC~
As such he had been left to his own devices and, as a result, Weevil had decided to look over his calendar for the coming weeks, to see what was scheduled. It was Christmas so there must be parties being thrown by the powerful and the elite of Domino. And then there would be New Years, which should have even more parties going on! After that would be the New Year and that would bring with it new tournaments for him to prove himself.
But the calendar was blank. Empty. He flipped through it and found nothing.
'This doesn't make any sense!' Weevil thought. 'How is that I have nothing set?' He went over to his computer and began to do a search, finding advertisements concerning several different Christmas Parties. 'My invite must have been lost in the mail!' he reasoned. 'Or I did get it and I just forgot and I also didn't bother to write anything down. Yes, that must be it!'
Having settled on that Weevil grabbing his phone and began to call numbers, wanting to make sure that the upcoming parties knew that he would be attending.
"Weevil… Undercoat? No? Underwood? Sorry, we have no invitations for a Mr. Underwood."
"I'm afraid you are confused. You aren't on the guest list. In fact you have been listed as not being allowed to be a plus one either. Which is weird."
"Hahahahahahaha! Oh wait, you're serious? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Mr. Magnum regrets to inform you that he'd rather stick his foot in a garage disposal than have you attend his party."
"I'm sorry but… uh… everyone is dead. Including me. Ooooooo! The party has been canceled! Ooooooo!"
Weevil frowned as he hung up after the last call. "This makes no sense! Why does no one want me at their parties?"
"Did you ask what life would be like if you weren't born?"
"No, I didn't-"Weeivl stopped, realizing that someone else had spoken. He whipped around and found himself staring at an old man, dressed in a tweed suit, his hat in his hands. "What did you say?"
"Nothing," the old man said and Weevil blinked when he realized that the man's voice was completely different from the voice he had heard. "I'm sorry, my name is Arthur Hawkins. I was going to visit my old friend Solomon Muto. But clearly you are not him and I have arrived at the wrong place… unless you were cursed, Solomon." His eyes went wide. "Oh my, is that the case?"
"I am not Solomon Muto," Weevil stated.
"Are you sure? Are you sure you aren't Solomon, cursed by a witch to be a disgusting little child with thick glasses, an annoying voice, weak wrists, pallid skin, and a tiny penis?"
"I was not cursed!" Weevil declared.
"Oh." Arthur considered that. "Have you tried to go get cursed? It might help-"
"GET OUT OF HERE!" Weevil shouted and he grabbed a stapler from his desk and hurled it at Arthur. The throw might have been intimidating… had it actually gotten more than 2 feet in front of him, tumbling to the floor with a pathetic little fooomfp. It wasn't even a dramatic sound.
"Well… you are clearly working through some things, so I will leave you be!" Arthur waved goodbye and hurried out of the door, leaving Weevil all alone.
"That… that old little ingrate!" he fumed. "He thinks he can insult me like that! He has no idea who I am! No understanding of who I am! How dare he treat me like that!" But then Weevil pressed his lips together and let out an annoyed huff that was twinged with melancholy. "But… no one really understands me, do they? No one knows how hard it is to be ME. No one cares about what I go through… the pains I suffer being so amazing. They wander through their lives with their tiny little brains, too stupid to see the world for what it truly is. And then, when I point out how small and pathetic they are they hate me for it! Mock me! When they should praise me! Do they not understand what their existence would be like if I weren't here?"
That made him chuckle at the thought. Oh, he could just imagine the pain. The suffering. The wails of those that would mourn a world where Weevil Underwood wasn't there to keep the simpletons on their toes!
"Sometimes," he said aloud, "sometimes I wonder-"
"What the world would be like if you weren't born?"
Weevil turned only to find that this time he WAS looking at the speaker of those words. He was a short little teen, with stuck up black hair and a youthful face.
"…Mokuba Kaiba?"
"No," the new arrival said, a touch of annoyance in his voice. "I am Shobu. I have been sent here to help you out, Weevil Underwood. A lot of people are worried about you."
"They… they are?"
"Oh yes."
~Meanwhile~
The detective sighed and looked a the sloven shoe salesman. "And can you describe the guy that you kicked out for sniffing your shoe horns?"
"Of course I can!" the shoe salesman declared. "Freaky little kid with a bowl cut!"
"Damn it, Weevil Underwood again," the officer said. "I swear, I really worry about that kid."
"We all do," his partner declared.
"By the way, you ever hear how I scored 4 touchdowns in a single game?"
~MC~MC~MC~
"That's why I'm here, Weevil. I want to show you what you were wondering: a world where you were never born."
Before Weevil could point out that he hadn't actually wished for that, his thoughts had actually been on him disappearing… maybe to a nice resort with free massages… rather than "not being born", Shodu snapped his fingers and Weevil found himself in his apartment. But it was altered… changed. The furniture was gone, the walls had holes in them, the carpet had been torn up…
"What happened to all my stuff!" Weevil exclaimed. "My furniture! My cards!" he gasped. "MY HENTAI!" He scurried to his room and wailed when he found nothing there.
~Forty Minutes Later~
"Are you done crying now?" Shobu asked.
"I… I guess," Weevil said. "But do you realize how many fake accounts I had to make on deviant art just to steal… I mean obtain… all of that stuff?" He sighed and looked around. "What happened to this place?"
"You were never born," Shobu told him. "So I guess your parents never moved in here-"
Weevil and Shobu were interrupted by the landlord… and Weevil's parents.
"I'm real sorry to do this," the landlord said, "but when we discovered the black mold in the walls we knew we had to do something. You know how that can mess up your respiratory system?"
Mr. Underwood nodded. "You put us up in a nice hotel, that's all we could ask for."
"Black mold?" Weevil said. "Wait… is THAT what those freaks were trying to look for last week? I told them to get out because I was focusing on getting ready for the Battle City Tournament."
"Oh god!" Mrs. Underwood screamed in horror, finally noticing Weevil and Shobu. "The black mold has mutated into a person!" And with that she grabbed a can of disinfectant from her purse and sprayed it in Weevil's eyes.
He reacted… by just standing there.
"When you've been pepper sprayed as much as I have been you build up an immunity," he said smugly.
"Why… why don't we go check in on some of your friends?" Shobu asked.
"My what now?" Weevil stated as he was shown out.
"Yikes," Mr. Underwood said. "Just yikes. Can you imagine giving birth to that?"
"I can't," Mrs. Underwood stated. "Alright, they are gone now, ready for the threesome?"
"…the what now?" the landlord said just before Mr. Underwood locked the door.
~MC~MC~MC~
"You know, now that I think about it… me not being alive in this world has some advantages!" Weevil declared as they walked down the streets of Domino. Weevil was a bit disappointed they weren't a bombed out wreck, proving how his being in the world had saved it from war and destruction, but on the other hand it did mean he didn't have to worry about walking around the corpses and the potholes.
It was still Christmas time, he was surprised to find, with lights all over and people moving here and there, all with rosy cheeks and cheery smiles. Domino always did go all out for Christmas.
"No one knows who I am, which means that they won't know what I am capable of! I can surprise the world with my dueling skills!"
Shobu frowned at that. "Don't you want to see how your loved ones are-"
"Come along! We must get the first card shop we can find! It seems when you altered the world you failed to bring my deck with me! I must retrieve all my cards!"
"That isn't how this is supposed to-"
But Weevil kept moving along and, after a moment, the annoying little pissant that was the magical being who had brought him on the journey he was now on began to give chase after him.
Thankfully, it didn't look like him not being born had caused Duel Monsters to never be created. While he would have been rather chuffed that it only existed because of him, that would hamper his plans. Same if it hadn't been as successful in this new world as it was in his original one; once more, a sign of his greatness but he would take that mild annoyance if it meant he would be able to scam the suckers of this world.
"I bet they fools don't even know what Pot of Greed does!"
"We know what it does," a woman in a pantsuit at the crosswalk said.
That caused Weevil to stop. "You heard my thoughts?"
"No, you said them aloud." The woman frowned as she glanced over at Shobu. "Jaden Yuki?"
"No, I'm… nevermind," Weevil's guide said.
Weevil, for his part, shook his head and continued on. "No matter, I see a card shop!" he rushed towards it… only for the door to swing open and slam him in the face. "GAH!" Weevil went down flat on his ass, right into a snowdrift.
"Oh, sorry about that!" a familiar voice said and Weevil looked up in shock at the figure. "Here, let me help you out!"
"Rex Raptor?" Weevil said, startled.
"Yup! Are you here to get a free meal? You look like you could use some nice new warm clothing." Before Weevil could say a word he was ushered into the card shop by Rex, Shobu just behind him. "Hey, are you a young Goku?"
"No, I'm Shobu," Weevil's guide said.
"Of course, of course. Well, you two sit right here."
Weevil, finally able to get his eyes to focus after the blow to the head, looked at the card shop in shock. The counters were covered in table cloths and upon them were aluminum deep trays filled with different food. Men and women and even some children were all there eating food, all clearly having seen better times. But Rex and a few other people moved around, asking if anyone needed anything and if not asking about their lives.
"What… what is all this? I came here to buy cards!"
"Cards?" one homeless man said from where he sat, eating a buttered roll. "Ya dense in the head? Its Christmas! Shops ain't open!"
"Then what are all of YOU doing here?" Weevil demanded.
The man shrugged. "Getting a warm meal from the Intercontinental Champion."
"The Inter-" Weevil began to sputter at that.
"Don't you remember?" Shobu told him, pulling him to a corner for a bit of privacy. "You were never born in this world. Rex Raptor became the Intercontinental Champion. That's why he's doing this: he's fulfilling his duties as Champion."
"His what now?"
"His duties. Pegasus ordained that all Champions should do charity work. That's why Rex actually missed going to Duelist Kingdom."
That made Weevil frown. He vaguely remembered there being some letters from Industrial Illusions about him doing some kind of meet and greet or something like that but he had flat out ignored them, not seeing the importance.
"Wait… then what happened at Duelist Kingdom?"
"I can show you."
~MC~MC~MC~
Shobu ended up taking Weevil to a bus terminal, as it was one of the few places that was open to the public and that had free wifi. Using his own phone he showed Weevil the footage.
"Exodia… Obliterate!" Yugi Muto declared in the footage, Pegasus crying out as all his monsters were destroyed.
"But… that makes no sense!" Weevil exclaimed. "Yugi didn't have Exodia! I-"
He stopped.
"Exactly," Shobu stated. "Because you aren't in this world Yugi never lost Exodia. He raced through Duelist Kingdom in a few hours, making it to the Castle before anyone else and easily defeating Pegasus. He freed his grandpa's soul and-"
Weevil tuned Shobu out at that point. 'No… this isn't fair! How dare Yugi have such an easy time of things! That little fraud should have been forced to fight for every scrap he had! My battle against him helped make him tough enough to become the King of Games, after all!'
"-Pegasus married a nice Korean man. Honestly, the wedding was beautiful."
Weevil frowned, finally tuning back into Shobu. "None of this makes any sense! You are making it sound like the world is better off without me in it!"
"Oh now, I'm not-"
"Come on dad!" Joey Wheeler called out and Weevil turned to see the blond dolt laughing as he waved to an older man who was carrying a ton of Christmas presents. "We gotta make sure we get on da bus or we'll be late seein' Serenity!"
"Don'ts ya worries, Joey!" the man called out, somehow having an even thicker accent than the blond fool. "We gots times ta spare."
"Wait," Weevil said in confusion, "I thought Wheeler's dad was a horrible drunk!" he had made sure to research everything he could about Wheeler so that when he faced him in Battle City he could mock him horrifically for how terrible his life was. It was only because of that fool Edwin Chaos that Weevil hadn't had a chance to duel him!
"Well, it seems like the reason Joey's father began to drink was he didn't get a promotion at work," Shobu said. He frowned, tilting his head as if he were listening to some unheard voice. "And that was about 12 or so years ago… after you took a tour of the factory he worked in and decided to get lost."
"Oh, I remember!" Weevil said with a snicker. "I went and messed with the machines because that field trip was so boring!"
That made Shobu frown. "Huh… its seeming more and more like it would be a good thing if you weren't born." He then frowned. "Also, isn't that kinda the plot to Jumanji?"
"Nonsense! The world would be terrible without me! Show me more of this world… this is just a fluke!"
~MC~MC~MC~
"Great haul today, right Mako?"
"Sure was dad!"
Weevil slowly nodded at that. "Right… I remember now. I stole that old dude's map to make myself a hat." Shobu stared at him. "It was a great hat."
~MC~MC~MC~
"Do you, Brie and Nikki Bella, take Para and Dox to be your lawfully wedded husbands?"
"We do!" the twins said.
Shobu frowned. "They are doing the wedding on Christmas?" He shook his head, looking at Weevil. "You caused this too?"
"3rd grade. Trip to the Cheesecake factory. Long story."
~MC~MC~MC~
"I'm so glad we can spend Christmas together, Seto!"
"I might be finishing getting my doctrine but I will always be there for you guys!" Seto said with a beaming smile, hugging his parents before greeting Mokuba and his baby sister Insertnamelater (it's dutch)
"Oh right… that time I was playing with matches near that house," Weevil said, Shobu letting out a groan.
~MC~MC~MC~
"I am so glad my parents' birth control wasn't flushed down the toilet!" Espa Roba declared rather loudly. "With them having only one child they are able to focus on me so I can work on actually interacting with people!"
"…I was bored at the mall!" Weevil complained.
~MC~MC~MC~
"Do you, Stolas of the Ars Goeta, take Blitzo to be your wedded husband?"
"I do," the owl demon said, his daughter dabbing her eyes because she would NEVER be such an annoying asshat to demand her father be lonely.
Weevil frowned. "You can't blame me for- wait, I remember now, all my fault. Carry on."
~MC~MC~MC~
"Merry Christmas mom and dad!" Raphael declared, hugging his family.
"I don't even know who that is."
~MC~MC~MC~
Weevil frowned at the old woman who was sitting with an old anthropomorphic hedgehog.
"Merry Christmas Shadow."
"Merry Christmas Maria."
"Try harder!" Weevil shouted.
~MC~MC~MC~
"Happy Frieza Day, Planet Vegeta!" Frieza said, handing presents out to the happy Saiyans.
Weevil didn't say a word, just taking the present.
~MC~MC~MC~
"You know what… canon events was a stupid idea," Miguel O'Hara said, tossing away his plans and going to touch grass.
"You are failing so bad," Weevil complained, Shobu quietly crying.
~MC~MC~MC~
"Well, Merry Christmas Susan," the Doctor said.
"That's right, dear girl," The Master said, giving the Doctor a kiss on the cheek before the clearly gay and married Time Lords led all their companions to Christmas dinner.
Weevil looked around and huffed. "Who cares if its bigger on the inside. Show people being sad I'm not alive!"
~MC~MC~MC~
"You know," JK Rowling said slowly, "maybe I shouldn't let one traumatic event cause me to be a horrific bigot."
Weevil opened his mouth before snapping it shut. "Okay, I admit this is better but still not good enough!"
Shobu merely sniffed as he read the epic ending of Harry Potter and the Hour of Legends.
~MC~MC~MC~
"Do you, Aria Potts and Cassie Garnett, take Godzilla to be your husband?"
"We do!" the two said happily.
"It's so beautiful," Martin said, dabbing his eyes while Weevil watched on, confused.
~MC~MC~MC~
"Man Bonz, you sure are ripped!"
Bonz looked over his muscles, the 6'5" duelist grinning. "Well, its all thanks to the doctors helping me with that issue with my pituitary gland."
"…don't give me that look!" Weevil complained to Shobu who just held his head in his hands before they walked away from Bonz. "There has to be someone who's life is worse without me-"
They heard a peel of laughter and Weevil, unable to stand the idea of someone having fun, ran towards it… and stared in surprise at the sight of Mai Valentine and that wretch Edwin Chaos. Only… Mai's hair was straight, she was wearing a long shimmering dress, her feet were bare, and she looked to be a touch taller than normally.
"I was wondering when you would figure it out, my love," Mai said. "When you would realize that I was more than Mai Valentine. I… am the Titan Selene! And I have waited for you to be reborn in this world. You were once Endymion, my great love, and we put this plan in motion for us to steal the power of the gods and give it to you so you might become a titan like myself! Then we shall be together forever. Now, I know-"
"Sweet, when do we start?"
"-you might have some issues with this but- wait, what did you say?"
Edwin grinned. "I said this is awesome!"
"I… I'm sorry, I wasn't expecting you to say that. You have no problem with… any of this?"
"Of course not!" Edwin exclaimed. "You said it yourself… you are Mai, just with… extra memories, I guess?"
"Yes, that's the gist of it."
"So I'd have to be a total fucking tool not to be just as attracted to you as I was with Mai." He walked up to her, a smirk on his lips. "You are the woman I fell in love with. Just restored. Made whole."
"Oh… Endymion… no, Edwin. Oh Edwin."
He continued on as she curled up against him. "And more than that… you want to give me an amazing gift! To let me be young and strong forever. No fear of growing weak. No fear of death. No fear of, I don't know, ending up in some weird Hell where there is a hotel and the Princess of the Damned sings all the time." He shuddered at the thought. "You want to make me a god. A titan."
He flashed a sharp smile.
"What are we waiting for, baby?"
Selene practically melted into his embrace. "Very well! We will claim the god cards-"
"Fuck that," Edwin complained. "I know my Greek myths. All I need is to drink from some ambrosia. Boom, instant god! How it worked with Psyche."
Selene blinked at that before smacking her head. "How foolish of me!" She waved her hands, performing a spell that allowed the chalice to appear and without a second thought Edwin drank from it, a golden glow surrounding him. "It is done."
"Yes it is," Edwin said with a leering smile. "Now… how about we bang on the moon so hard it makes it go to crescent shape for a while. Then we see about finding me a domain to rule."
"There is one… there is a creator who watches over the lands of California, allowing babies to get into trouble. That can be your domain."
Edwin then… oddly turned to the 4th wall of the alley. "That's right, this wasn't just a Christmas special… but a crossover with What If They Were Competent! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!"
INTRODUCING THE CHAOS OF EARTH-1R
Edwin Chaos, Tormentor of the Rugrats
~MC~MC~MC~
Shobu sighed as he snapped his fingers and the world returned to normal, Weevil and him back in Weevil's house.
"Damn it, I knew the others were laughing when I got you!" he complained. "The world is a better place without you in it."
"Well, considering I never wanted to die you did technically do your job," Weevil said. "I guess that means you will get your wings."
"Oh no, I'm not an angel."
"You aren't?"
"No. I'm the protagonist of Duel Masters. If I helped you I was hoping God would make people remember my anime."
That… made Weevil laugh.
"Like that is ever gonna happen!"
"…fuck you Weevil," Shobu said, disappearing.
~MC~MC~MC~
The door to Edwin's place opened and a large group of weary, tired, beaten up teenagers and young adults stomped in.
"You know, you could have warned us those wands would make us into Magic Girls," Tristan complained to The Grinch.
"I thought Edwin was fetching in his skirt," Mai teased.
"Who cares," Edwin said. "We defeated the balrog!"
"You know, I did feel a bit bad when it begged for mercy," Duke said. "I think it might have not been evil at all."
"Close your heart to its suffering, boi," Edwin said deeply and gruffly, looking over the Blades of Chaos he'd somehow gotten but it would never be covered in a fanfic, before looking at the Grinch. "There, we saved Christmas. Can you fucking leave now?"
"Very well… I suppose you've done enough."
And with that he just… left.
"…this feels a bit anti-climatic," Yugi said.
Tea shrugged. "Who cares, it's a fucking filler arc."
"it sure is, Tea," Edwin said with a smile. "it sure is…"
"Hey Yug, I think Tea has gone crazy like Ed," Joey said.
"I know Joey, just stay quiet and nod."
Merry Christmas from us -
The door to the apartment slammed open, revealing a pissed off Aria and Cassie.
"Wha?" Edwin said, confused.
"WHERE IS WEEVIL AND WHERE IS OUR HUSBAND?!" the two now meta aware women screamed cocking their shotguns just before the filler ended.
-at Chaos Effect
~Meanwhile in the Virtual World~
Crump frowned.
"Man… sure is weird the Christmas special came out AFTER Christmas, right?"
