Another week, another chapter :)
This time we have more of a focus on Cullen and his reaction from the Winter Palace. I just know that he was not alright after all that and it would have taken a toll on him so I incorporated that into my story and into Lara and Cullen's relationship.
We also get a little glimpse into her personal life in the Winter Palace.
Hope you all are enjoying their story so far! Please feel free to leave a comment/review if you are x
—-
Chapter 15:
Looking at her reflection was almost like looking back into what her life would have been like. Playing dress up, making small talk, upholding facades, and living her life behind a mask. Lara chose to forego the mask tonight. It was her way of holding onto her freedom. Everyone knew who she was by now and after what she accomplished, she wanted to show her face. Not hide it. She deserved that much.
Josephine poured her heart into her appearance and she was grateful. It had been so long since she was dressed up for anything and it was a bittersweet feeling. The light makeup suited her adding a glow while the gold complimented her complexion. She elegantly made her way towards the ballroom, this time walking through the palace with her head held high. Too many traps were planted tonight, no doubt, with each one waiting for her downfail. Her failure. In the end, Lara realized the best thing to do was stick with the original plan. Celene's death was a stepping stone to his world. Preventing his future was her life's mission at this point so she saved the Empress. The lesser evil, so to speak.
As she entered the ballroom, the celebrations were already in full swing but that didn't stop numerous pairs of eyes from looking her way and whispering amongst themselves. She smiled as she made her way across, not showing any intimidation from their stares and whispers. She scanned the room for a familiar face and found none other than Dorian. Relieved to have found him, she made her way over to him.
"You look magnificent, my dear. If I didn't prefer other company, you'd certainly be mine," He flashed a sincere smile at her, whilst holding two glasses of wine.
Lara actually blushed. "Don't let the dashing Commander hear you say that."
"Oh, how bold. Have we decided we're not keeping him at arm's length?"
"I don't know," Lara sighed. "I hope that drink is for me."
"Who else would it be for?" He said, handing her a glass.
"A certain Bull," She smirked at him while taking a big sip of the much needed alcohol.
"Funny," He deadpanned.
Lara let out a giggle, enjoying both his company and the wine.
After spending some time getting back to herself again with Dorian, she walked around and held a few conversations with the nobles that she was familiar with. She could feel a pair of eyes constantly on her as she conversed and made her way around. She enjoyed watching the nobles dancing below in sync, almost mesmerizing. When she had a moment to spare, she looked across the room, immediately finding the pair of eyes.
Cullen.
He was staring at her intently as if she were the only one in the room. The crowd of nobles surrounding him ignored. She felt herself warm under his gaze. His expression was unrecognizable from where she stood and it unnerved her. Was he angry with her? Is that why he kept looking at her? Surely not…
"I never thought I would see you here of all places," A familiar and unwanted voice spoke.
She turned her head and immediately her expression turned cold. The mask did nothing to hide the identity of the woman before her. She knew instantly.
"Evangeline," Lara said coldly.
The woman let out a fake laugh, "Is that how we greet each other now? Are we not still sisters?"
"No. We are not," Lara replied.
"Mother and Father are deeply embarrassed that you publicly denounced them. Especially now that you are Inquisitor. You always did know how to bring shame to the family," Evangeline smiled at her.
Lara scoffed, "As they should be. They denounced me the day they tricked me and abandoned me in that Circle. There is no reason for me to claim them as my own. Nor you. Nor Gabriel."
"If we are not your own, then why come to Orlais?" Her sister asked, unaffected by Lara's response.
"I have a world to save if it escaped your attention. I'm sure it has since you've only ever been preoccupied with yourself," Lara smiled at her fakely.
"And I see you're still the brat you've always been. You were always demanding attention and now you finally have it. It was only ever supposed to be Gabriel and I. You were the mistake, yet they still had you. You never behaved, always causing a scene even though you were meant to be kept away. Of course, you had to be a mage too. Not only were you not wanted but you took mother and father away from us. There was never room for you yet you always took the room," Her sister replied calmly, but with venom.
Normally, Lara would have lashed out but this wasn't the time nor place. The words stung but Lara wouldn't dare show her the tears. Nor would she give her the satisfaction of making a scene. She made a choice to leave. This meant accepting the consequences that came with it.
"How observant of you. Yes, I am rebellious and free-spirited. All the things you're not. I desperately wanted their love and attention. Hate me for it all you want but it is not a crime. You both had your perfect lives that they lovingly set up for you. I didn't fit in that box and I knew I was resented for it hence why they got rid of me the moment they could. I took it as my way out altogether. Now that I have something to offer, you come scurrying like mice hungry for food," Lara let out a laugh.
Her expression grew colder as she took a step towards Evangeline.
"I don't provide scraps for mice. Scurry elsewhere, dear sister," She spat the last word with as much venom as she could, she may as well have spit on the floor in front of her.
With that, she took her leave pushing past her and grabbing the nearest glass of alcohol that was being passed around. She didn't even inquire what it was nor did she care as she downed the drink suddenly in front of the nobles hoping it would numb the emotions that were rising inside her, threatening to spill out. It felt freeing to set her straight but the words still stung, opening up old wounds that Lara hoped wouldn't be reopened again. Especially Gabriel. She believed he cared for her in his own way; sneaking her food when she was sent to bed without, giving her smiles when no one was looking, putting books she might like under her door, bringing her small tokens from his travels. She wished she could have more of him as a brother but when he didn't keep in contact with her after she was sent to the Circle, it broke her heart. She spent weeks, months waiting for him to write, to send her something secret to show he still cared. Nothing ever came.
—-
Lara thought her presence had been seen enough and she needed space to gather herself. Her exhaustion was kicking in further, the alcohol making her feel fuzzy. The Commander's eyes never left her but she couldn't bring herself to approach him. It was all too much. She was going to scream until she passed out if she stayed in the ballroom any longer.
The balcony welcomed her with a crisp breeze and fresh air. It was invigorating and just what she needed. She rested her hands on the railing, closed her eyes, and hummed quietly as the breeze rustled through her hair, caressing her skin. She tilted her head back and enjoyed the silence. Until a voice interrupted.
"The Orlesian nobility make drunken toasts to your victory, and yet you are not present to hear them? Do you tire so quickly of their congratulations? 'Tis most fickle, after your efforts on their behalf," Lady Morrigan stood next to her now on the balcony.
Lara opened her eyes and looked over at the occult advisor. She was gorgeous, Lara had to admit. She almost felt inferior to her.
"I would have stayed but the alcohol's gone dry. Scandalous," She replied, looking out at the scenery in front of her.
Morrigan let out a laugh, "Indeed. Let's see if you take this piece of news as poorly. By Imperial Decree, I have been named liaison to the Inquisition. Celene wishes to offer you any and all aid - including mine. Congratulations."
"Lovely to know I have a say. I didn't know you were interested in joining the Inquisition," Lara raised an eyebrow.
"The assignment was given to me. Regardless of my personal interest. Celene knows you face an opponent who wields great magical power. You will require my knowledge if you are to defeat such magic. Regardless, Corypheus is a threat to Orlais - and to myself. Therefore, I am not opposed to the appointment," Morrigan finished with a sly smile.
"Well I will make my own say then. Welcome to the Inquisition, Morrigan," Lara gave her a sly smile back.
"A most gracious response. I shall meet you at Skyhold," Morrigan replied as she turned to leave and made her way back to the ballroom.
Lara let out a huge sigh. It was bad enough for the templars that mages were there freely practicing magic, now they had an occult advisor amongst their ranks. She was going to give Cullen a heart attack one of these days if she kept this up. She rested her elbows on the railing and hung her head. Exhaustion kicking in further, she needed to sleep but that was not an option at the moment.
"There you are," A familiar voice broke the silence, sending a shiver down her spine. It was as if he read her mind, knowing she was thinking of him.
He stood next to her, leaning down on the railing as well, but keeping a distance from her.
"It's calmed down inside for the moment. Are you alright?" He asked.
Internally, she welcomed his presence. "I'm just so worn out. Tonight has been…very long. I snapped at you when you didn't deserve it…"
Cullen chuckled. "I asked for it. I'm just glad it's over. You carried a lot on your shoulders tonight. Orlesian politics are not my specialty. The Grand Duchess…you were right to take charge. I was worried about you tonight," It was a confession.
Lara blamed it on his proximity, his scent intoxicating her. WIthout warning, she reached out and gently grabbed his arm. He stiffened but didn't retract from her touch. An uncomfortable expression on his face.
"You don't like being touched unannounced. Why?" It was a statement, an observation.
"Don't," He immediately responded, swallowing hard.
"Promise you'll tell me one day?" Lara asked, not knowing what compelled her.
"If you promise to tell me what you saw in the Elder One's future," He responded, holding her gaze.
Lara's eyes widened, fear written on her expression. Could she tell him about what she saw? About them? How would he react? Lara looked back out into the distance. Maybe she was reading his cues all wrong. Perhaps only she was affected by him. How could he feel the same? She was a mage. The very thing he vowed to protect the world against.
"One day," She whispered loud enough only for him to hear.
"Forgive me for asking, but that lady in the purple dress you spoke with. I take it, you know her?" He changed the subject.
"My sister. Was anyways," She replied coldly, not looking at him.
"It seemed quite intense. Are you alright?" He asked, his eyes still on her.
"She didn't tell me anything I didn't already know."
"Whatever it was, know you are better than that. You saved an Empire. I don't think your sister can say nearly as much about herself," Cullen replied.
Lara let out a harsh laugh. She didn't know whether to hug him or cry. The exhaustion seeping through her bones was weakening her. Her guard along with her body were going to crumple soon. A sudden rush of clapping and cheering could be heard from inside.
Cullen gently placed his hand over hers where it rested on his arm. She looked up at him, allowing herself to get lost in his honey colored eyes. She didn't have the energy to fight her mind screaming at her. She let it scream in the background.
"I may never have another chance like this tonight," He stepped closer to her, the intensity of his gaze melting her further. "I told you earlier that I would try. Seeing as we're alone…"
He let go of her hand and walked in front of her. She turned around to face him, not wanting to be out of his gaze, letting its intensity take her. He bowed slightly and extended his hand to her, never taking his eyes off her. Lara felt her heart beating in her ears.
"May I have this dance, my lady?"
Lara couldn't help the smile on her face, the heat rising in her cheeks.
"Of course, my good sir," Lara replied cheekily, placing her hand in his.
Cullen chuckled and pulled her close to him, his body pressed against hers. There was no armor to shelter her from feeling his defined muscles underneath the well-fitting uniform. A sigh escaped her lips as heat rushed throughout her body at the contact, the knowledge of what lay underneath. She ignored the urge to put distance between them, she was too exhausted. She let her body win tonight. Her body surrendered to his, sinking in his warmth, his scent, as he swayed her. He must've felt her let go as he tightened his grip around her body, holding her close to him almost as if he was protecting her.
"You are a lovely sight to behold tonight," He spoke so only she could hear.
Her heart skipped another beat and she suddenly lost the ability to speak. No one ever complimented her like that before. Words left her mind. What did he mean by that? She couldn't think straight. Instead, she replied with her body.
She rested her head on his shoulder, her face nuzzled towards his neck, taking in the oakmoss and elderflower that hit her hard. Letting it lull her to relaxation. The feel of his strong arms holding her, protecting her, his scent enveloping her; it was too much to not give in to him. This was what she wanted when she was in the thick of tonight's events. So she let herself have it, even just for one night.
Their first dance together in Haven before it was destroyed was tense and resistant, mostly from herself. Their second dance together in the Winter Palace was welcoming and surrendering. It was confirmation to Lara that he was getting too close to her. That barrier was breaking and she couldn't stop it.
He didn't stiffen at her touch this time. Instead, he leaned his face down towards her hair, welcoming her embrace. He held her tightly, continuing to sway her to the music, letting him guide her body to his rhythm. She didn't care who saw them like this. Letting her guard down was terrifying but she was grateful for the exhaustion that allowed her to let go without caring. To actually experience something. To let someone hold her, protect her. Especially since it was Cullen.
—-
Not even five minutes into being back at Skyhold and the Chantry was already ambushing them about the new Divine. Leliana and Cassandra were the candidates and the thought of making another life-altering decision exhausted her. She advised them that she would speak to both and let them decide. She knew Leliana and Cassandra and she didn't want to make this decision for them. This was their path to choose and she would support them.
She spent the rest of the day in her quarters unloading and sleeping from the long adventure in the Winter Palace. She needed to reset and just be alone for a while before jumping into the next problem that needed solving. Everything else could wait as her bed needed her more than anything. Being Inquisitor gave her a purpose she didn't know she needed, but it was also getting to be such a heavy burden to carry around everyday. She easily fell into a deep slumber wrapped in Cullen's cloak that she never returned to him.
The next day, she woke up feeling more rested and with a clear head. Relief filled her body as she stepped out onto her balcony, welcoming the warm sun on her skin. She missed the magic that permeated this fortress, the way it sung to her, how it made her feel. This was her fortress, her safety, her home.
Once dressed, Lara made her way to find Cole and happened to find Solas with him as well. Cole sat on the grass, his head bowed, hiding beneath his hat. Solas looked her way, hearing her approach.
"Lethallan," Solas spoke as she neared.
"Hi, Solas. Cole. Actually I was wondering if I could speak with you Cole," Lara asked sweetly.
"He was telling me about his adventures in Halamshiral," Solas answered her question without realizing.
"Wait? He was there?" Lara asked bewildered.
"Yes. He is a spirit. He can make himself forgotten. So much so that I do not believe the nobles noticed he was there. Neither did you, it seems. He has manifested himself into human form without possessing anything. It is why he appears a man but is not a man. He can hear and feel people's hurt and wants to help them," Solas explained.
Lara sat down on the grass across from Cole. "Can you give us a moment, Solas?"
The elf nodded and walked off, but still in sight.
"Cole, if you were there at Halamshiral, did you feel Commander Cullen's pain? Were you near him?" Lara asked him.
She felt guilty for doing this behind Cullen's back but there was pain written all over him when the nobles surrounded him and touched him incessantly. There was more to the Commander than she thought and he may be more complex than she was prepared for. She realized that as much as she kept things hidden, he also did too.
"His hurt was strong. Cullen was afraid. They were hurting him, following his fear. He shouldn't have been there," Cole spoke, his face still hidden by his hat.
His fear? What was his fear? Lara felt like her heart was being twisted. He shouldn't have been there, Cole said. As Commander, there wasn't much choice in him being there or not. She was missing a lot of information but she needed to be careful. She was prying in on his secrets when she was already on thin ice with him. There was a lot unknown between them but Lara couldn't deny any longer there was something there even if she still would deny it.
"Thank you, Cole," Lara placed a hand on his knee.
He looked up eagerly, "Did I help?"
"Yes, you did," Lara gave him a smile.
"Can you help him? He's still hurt. I sent him a message but…I think you can help him. He thinks of you sometimes. He's happy, calm when he does," Cole said.
Lara's heart suddenly pounded in her chest. She didn't know how to respond. A few days had passed since their dance together and Lara hadn't seen him since. He buried himself in his office with his work, wanting to be alone so she gave him his space. Lara stood up too quickly almost losing her balance till she felt a pair of hands steady her. She turned back to see Solas giving her a smile.
"Talk to him, lethallan," He said.
—-
There was a War Room meeting to be held to discuss a plan for Adamant. Now that they had saved Orlais, the Empire was at their disposal. They had clearance from Empress Celene to seize Adamant and stop Corypheus. She made her way and stopped by Josephine's desk. She noticed a bright and colorful bouquet of hand picked flowers on her desk.
"I take it those aren't delivered from Orlais," Lara commented, giving her a smile.
"No. They were given to me by…" She stopped, trying to hide her blush.
"Blackwall?" Lara finished her sentence.
"Yes. Leliana said that he goes for a walk in the early mornings to pick out my favorite flowers. He delivers them to me," She replied with a sigh.
"I wish it could be different for you two," Lara's heart melted at their love for each other.
"As do I. There's no point in dwelling. We can enjoy each other while we have the time before we no longer have it," Josephine replied, scribbling away.
"Is Cullen already in the War Room?" Lara asked.
"No, that is also what I wanted to discuss. Cullen hasn't left his office since we've been back from Halamshiral. Do you think it is possible to have a word with him? He might listen to you more than us," She asked.
Lara let out a sigh and turned to leave Josephine's desk. What was going on with him? Should she have checked on him sooner? She wasn't any good at this. Nor did she know what exactly was going on between them. The longer she was involved with him, the more confused she was. There was no avoiding him as her Commander and advisor, so she had to face him but she was not prepared for the sight she saw as she entered his office.
Cullen wasn't well. He was pale, his eyes sunken, mess scattered his office, he was hunched over his desk muttering and shaking. A mug of elfroot tea sat at his desk. Solas was still visiting him then to drop off what he needed. Did he know Cullen was like this? Is this why he wanted her to talk to him? She braved steps nearer to him. Suddenly, she yearned to reach him, to touch him, to let him know it'll be okay even if she wasn't sure.
"Cullen…" She called out to him softly.
He looked up at her, his eyes red and wild with pain, suffering. Lara could've sworn for a moment she almost felt his pain coursing through her.
"You're not supposed to see me like this," He replied. "These thoughts won't leave…the nightmares won't stop…"
He stood up from his desk and faced the window behind him, hanging his head. Lara felt annoyed for not checking on him sooner even though she didn't know why. It wasn't her responsibility to care for him yet a part of her felt guilty though knowing her kind inflicted this on him even though she didn't know the full details of how. She scanned the mess on his desk and a note caught her eye.
Uldred marked you, but didn't make you. You stayed you.
Was this the note that Cole was talking about? It lay crumpled up but open on his desk as if he fought with it while staying locked in his office.
"Who is Uldred?" Lara asked before she could stop herself.
He spun around quickly and she regretted asking. Her prying had struck a deep nerve. The answer had to do with his past and it was clearly haunting him again. He held a dangerous look but did not take his eyes off her. She suddenly felt like a target that was going to get hurt the longer she stayed.
"A blood mage, of course," His answer was cold, intended to hurt.
"How did they mark you?" She asked, afraid she was provoking him too much.
"I was tortured. Demons and abominations everywhere. My men slaughtered in front of my eyes. I was the only one to survive. Oh how they tortured me…" Cullen started pacing, saying a lot but also saying nothing at all.
"Torture you how?"
"Get out," He was suddenly closing in on her, that wild expression still on his face.
He grabbed her arm. "Get out! Don't you understand? I could hurt you! These thoughts…It's like I'm back in the Circle…" With a groan, he fell to the floor holding his head. His body trembling with pain, anger seeping through his words.
"I know what you are! It won't work. I will stay strong…Enough visions! Kill me now if you must! Sifting through my thoughts, using my shame against me! My ill advised infatuation…a mage, of all things! What a cruel joke! LEAVE!" He yelled through gritted teeth, as he punched the desk besides him angrily.
Lara took huge steps back away from him. The air left her lungs as she froze against the wall watching him fall apart in front of her, his past taking over. This wasn't Cullen the Commander. This was Cullen the Templar, back in Ferelden Circle being tortured.
Lyrium withdrawals…he's having another episode.
Suddenly, she found her body and left his office in a quick run. A lump was in her throat from watching him fall apart, feeling helpless that there was nothing she could do. Her first thought was Solas as she ran towards his rotunda. There she found him at his desk, reading a book.
"Please Solas you have to help him. He's in pain, he's having flashbacks, memories, he's reliving his past. I don't know what to do…" She started in a rush, her breathing heavy.
"Is it the Commander?" The elf asked calmly.
She nodded, a stray tear rolling down her face. She hastily wiped it away as she heard footsteps coming down.
"What's the commotion about?" It was Dorian.
"It seems the Commander is having an episode," Solas replied without looking at him, gathering some items from his desk.
"Lyrium withdrawals?" Dorian asked.
Lara nodded.
"Mind if I come along to help?" He asked Solas.
"I'd rather you didn't," Solas replied coolly.
"Now, now…" Dorian started, a smirk already playing on his lips.
"It is bad enough I have to deal with you from down here on a regular basis," Solas started, slamming a desk drawer shut.
"Solas, please?" Lara asked desperately, knowing Cullen was suffering closeby.
Solas let out a deep exhale.
"Fine. Only because it is you asking," He replied making his way to the door.
Dorian placed a hand on her shoulder and gave her a wink as he followed Solas through the door. She couldn't find it in her to scold him and watched the two make their way to his office.
—-
Their meeting had been canceled due to Cullen not feeling well. Solas was able to heal him. He provided him a potion, an old elven remedy to help with lyrium as Lara understood it. He had worked on it with Adan but he could only take it when he was at his worst. Something about the Winter Palace had triggered him and set him off. He hadn't been okay since.
Lara stayed locked up in her quarters that night, not able to get the image of him out of her head. The sight of him with lyrium protruding from him from the Elder One's future came to mind. He was manic even then. It sent a cold shiver down Lara's spine. With or without lyrium, he seemed to be going mad.
Solas told her in addition to him being triggered, overworking himself doesn't help. Stress brings on the symptoms since he doesn't have the lyrium to help him cope. The more he lacks sleep and nutrition, the worse his withdrawals will be. As Commander, that would be hard to navigate. Finding another Commander was out of the picture. The men respected him too much. A small part of Lara also didn't want him to go. Would she ever find him again if he left? What would become of him if he left?
Her balcony and her bed became her resting spots for the remainder of the day, lost in thoughts, lost in memories. He had kept this hidden from her so well yet now he was barely holding it together. Or maybe she was just completely oblivious because she was bent on keeping him as her enemy. Now she found herself having a change of heart. Seeing how he was suffering, knowing this was the Order's doing, was creating a new anger within her. Were mages and templars too busy hating each other to really see who the real enemy is? The hate was so deeply rooted between them, they were blind as to who really was pulling the strings.
Mages kept as prisoners, templars as their guard. They wielded their power but really it was the Order who was wielding their power. Templars only thought they had the power. As long as they took lyrium, they had no power. They were kept on a leash. What Cullen was doing was dangerous if today was any proof of that. He was risking his life, the risk being death. And here Lara found herself, growing fond of a man who might die at any moment to lyrium withdrawals. A man who used his powers to silence or kill who knows how many mages and now was repenting for it. Everyone believed he could be forgiven, but could she forgive him?
