A little trigger warning…loss of a loved one. The scene is quite sad so if you've recently lost a loved one, I completely understand if you need to skip. Mental health comes first!
Part II of Here Lies the Abyss.
Next chapter will be a little late in uploading as I leave for our first family holiday and we arrive late Monday evening. So chapter 20 will be posted next Tuesday rather than Monday :)
In the meantime, hope you enjoy and please feel free to leave a comment if you're enjoying this so far!
—-
Chapter 19:
The hours were passing and there were still no signs of the Inquisitor and her party. Rylen was starting to feel on edge, knowing this was affecting the Commander. Some of the wounds on the soldiers were grave. They had to send word to send some of the mages from Skyhold to help with the healing. The bloodshed was more than they imagined. The cackling of the rift in the Main Hall was also setting Rylen on edge. Cullen demanded it remained open in case they came back through it.
"No signs of them by the bridge," A soldier reported.
Rylen nodded and the soldier saluted and departed. It was going to be a long fucking night. Rations were being sent out to provide some sustenance to make it through the night. Rylen ordered for tents to be set up in case they were going to be camping here. He already knew that Cullen would not be leaving until she came back. Plus, some of the soldiers were too wounded to travel just yet and there was the issue of what to do with the remaining Wardens here. It would be the Inquisitor's call.
While the tents were being set up, Rylen made his way back on the bridge to check on Cullen. He wasn't any better than when he left him. Fear was clearly shown on his face and he was pacing. His hair now unruly, his eyes wide. The realization that they may not come back was spreading throughout the soldiers. What was taking them so long? Surely they just needed to find the exit.
Letting out a sigh, he approached him. "Why don't I take watch? You get some rest."
Cullen looked at him but shook his head. He was about as stubborn as she was.
"Fine, we'll take watch together then," Rylen said as he walked over to the other soldiers nearby and ordered them to set up more tents.
—-
"Ah, we have a visitor. Some silly little girl comes to steal the fear I kindly lifted off her shoulders. You should have thanked me and left your fear where it lay," A voice echoed.
"Oh, shut the fuck up…" Lara muttered as she fought off some demons that approached them.
Dorian chuckled behind her. She wasn't in the mood to entertain anyone. She was in a foul fucking mood in all honesty so keeping her emotions in check was hard. She was trying to remember what Solas said so she tried to focus on her intent rather than her emotions. If this voice was going to keep talking to her though, well, she may just have a few words back.
Scattered throughout the Fade were more notes and letters of unnamed people's fears. The nightmare was clearly having enough to feed on which is why Lara could feel its presence so intensely almost as if she was the demon herself. She did what she could to dispel the fears. Anything to take power away from the demon.
"Did you think you mattered, Hawke? Did you think anything you ever did mattered? You couldn't even save your city, let alone take down a God," The voice spoke again.
Lara felt her heart twist. He could've very well spoken to her with those words. Is that really what Hawke thought? They weren't so different after all.
"Well, that's going to grow tiresome quickly," Hawke commented.
Spiders soon surrounded them. As they attacked, Lara knew these weren't regular spiders. They were manifestations of her fears. The demon was feeling threatened, hence the reinforcements. Good, maybe they were making progress.
"Those were little fears. Tiny manifestations spawned from the nightmare itself," Solas spoke.
"And of course, they have to be spiders," Hawke answered.
"Spiders? That's not what I saw," Blackwall sounded frightful.
"Remember, demons of fear shape their appearance to unnerve each of us," Solas answered.
Blackwall let out an angry grunting noise at Solas's answer. Lara was curious as to what he saw that scared him so, but thought against it. The less they gave their fears to the demon the better. They needed to focus on conquering them. As they continued on, they were met with Justinia again with more golden orbs floating around.
Fuck. More memories for her to collect that she wanted to avoid.
The same sensation took hold of her again and she fell to her knees. She was in the Fade, running up and up, the rift close in sight, almost touchable. Justinia was running behind her, trying to get to safety. Just as they approached, the demons caught hold of her.
"Go," She said as she fell back into the Fade, in the demon's clutches. Lara let out a scream as the Divine fell. Catching her breath, she ran into the rift and out of sight. Lara opened her eyes in shock.
"We thought it was Andraste saving her from the Fade. Turns out it was the Divine," Dorian spoke.
"She died," Lara spoke as she got back on her feet, looking at the Divine in front of them who clearly wasn't the Divine. Before Lara could realize, the Divine materialized into a spirit. Solas was right. It was a spirit who identified strongly with her, manifesting itself as her.
"Whatever you are, you've helped us so far," Lara spoke to the spirit in front of them.
Lara could hear bickering behind her. Stroud and Hawke at each other's throats about the Grey Wardens. Blackwall was joining in now, defending the Wardens. It was continuous, their emotions getting heightened which would clearly feed the demon. Lara didn't want that. She had about enough of the Fade and its demons.
"Sweet Maker, can all of you shut up? Feel free to argue after we've escaped the nightmare demon," Lara yelled out.
Spiders soon surrounded them, fears materializing again. The nightmare demon surely found them now thanks to their argument. There was no hiding now. The number of spiders increased, demons following suit.
"Greetings Dorian…it is Dorian, isn't it? For a moment, I mistook you for your father," The voice spoke again.
Dorian let out a sigh. "How original. Is that the best you've got? Surely, you can do better."
Lara looked at Dorian, her heart feeling like it was being stabbed. Dorian told her in secret what his father had done to him and what their relationship was like. She knew deep down it twisted at Dorian as well, but he would never show it. He wasn't one to show his emotions, having it masked with wit and sarcasm. Dorian avoided her eyes because he knew that she saw right through him. They knew each other too well.
The more they continued into the Fade, the more a dread grew within her that they were stuck in a labyrinth with no way out. More demons awaited them as they ventured further. They encountered some red lyrium which made Lara feel sick. It even existed here in all places. They came across water which confused Lara. A note was left that confirmed Lara's confusion if this was real or a manifestation of the Fade. It was also possible it poured in from a rift, such as the one on Crestwood. A shiver ran down her spine. If that was true, who knows what else these rifts were dragging through, feeding the nightmare.
A page of a journal entry from a mage's Harrowing in Kinloch Hold appeared. Lara's heart skipped a beat. It was the mage's fear of failing the Harrowing and the Templars ready to kill what was left of them if they failed. How unjust and evil it was. She remembered Cullen and how he suffered. Were his fears here as well? Fears of Wardens, mages, and children even were scattered around the Fade but none of Templars yet. Lara was soon realizing it wasn't the Templars who were evil and unjust. It was the Order who inflicted this upon them both. Slowly, she was realizing the truth and it was one that hurt. How easy it was to blame the Templars without realizing their suffering as well.
"Ah, the youngest Trevelyan. The unwanted child. How does it feel knowing you'll always be a mistake? An interference? Not even your own parents wanted you. That Anchor is proof of your interference. You are no Herald," The voice appeared again.
Lara clenched her jaw, grinding her teeth. She hated that he spoke on every fear. Her unworthiness. Her fear of rejection, her fear of being abandoned. That's what he wanted; for her fears to consume her so he can feed off of it. Well, she wasn't going to give it to him.
"You're just mad I have the Anchor and you don't!" She yelled back as she casted a spell with her staff, causing an approaching spider to fly backwards.
There was no mention of Cullen yet. Somehow the nightmare didn't manage to take it from her. Any thoughts of him that appeared, she shoved it down, not wanting to give it ammunition. She certainly didn't want it announcing her connection with him.
The sight before her stole her breath and left only the sound of her beating heart. A graveyard lay before her with all her friend's names, each listing their deepest fear. Blackwall: himself. Solas: dying alone. Dorian: temptation. Hers wasn't there oddly enough but the sight before her sent a cold chill down her spine and the hairs on her body to stand on end. Hers would be abandonment. Rejection. Take your pick.
"Dirth ma, harellan. Ma banal enasalin. Mar solas ena mar din," The voice spoke. Both Dorian and Lara narrowed their eyes at him in unison.
"Oh, of course, yours is in fucking elven so we can't understand it," Lara was pissed now. This whole experience was bullshit.
"It is nothing of importance," Solas answered.
"Still seems unfair. You know ours but we don't know yours. Care to translate?" Dorian asked.
"No," Solas deadpanned.
"Well, how rude," Dorian responded.
Lara had never been annoyed with Solas until now. It wasn't fair that his was in elven. Sure, it made sense but he knew their fears, and they couldn't know his. She didn't remember any of the words spoken so she couldn't translate it later.
—-
Luckily they were still supplied with potions. Breaking down the barrier by fighting off waves of demons was no easy feat, especially in the Fade. This was their stronghold. Lara's body ached and her mind vulnerable. She felt like had been turned inside out. She felt like she was taking on the fears of others and making it her own. Not to mention she was faced with the truth that she wasn't chosen for anything. She was just a mistake, an interference. That hurt most of all. She wanted to collapse from the weight of it. How was she going to tell her advisors this? They'd want nothing to do with her now.
No! Stop! Fear can't win here.
Lara's mission was to get to the rift and seal it so this nightmare could be as far away as possible. That's all she needed to focus on so she could get out of here. She just hoped the rift would take them back to Adamant. A familiar pull tugged on her arm. The rift was there in plain sight and she had never been so happy to see a rift before. That was until she realized where they stood. It was a lair. The nightmare's lair.
"Ahhh fuck…" Lara whispered to herself, looking around. No way it was going to be as easy as walking through and going through the rift. She was right.
There the demon stood, like a human morphed with a spider. An even more giant monster behind it. A spider. Or at least to her anyways. The nightmare demon had been fed alright. Lara immediately felt herself weaken, it had clearly been waiting for her. She swallowed hard, taking footsteps backwards to create some space. This was going to be both mentally and physically exhausting.
"Please tell Leliana: I am sorry. I failed you, too," The spirit said and was gone with a flash of light, hurting the demon.
Electricity and fire were their friends against the nightmare who flew around them and attacked. Lara tried her best to avoid the tentacles that threatened to sink themselves into her, no doubt trying to cause more fear in her to feed off of. Her arms were growing tired but she kept going, they needed to get out of here. They needed this demon destroyed. Corypheus was clearly feeding it and they needed to undo it. Her party had the same motivation as her as they fought tirelessly for their freedom, for their exit out of this madness. With a loud groan, Lara fell to her knees. Suddenly silence.
All she could hear was the crackling of the rift and the pull in her arm at the connection. It was now or never. She shot up and started running towards it, her friends footsteps behind her in a dash to make it out of here. Almost there, almost there…until a noise stopped her in her tracks. She hadn't realized the giant spider disappeared when they were fighting the nightmare. It now stood in front of her way out.
"Go! I'll cover you," Hawke spoke.
"What? No!" Lara shouted.
"No. The Wardens caused this mess. A warden must-" Stroud started.
"A Warden must help them rebuild. That is your job!" Hawke shouted back.
"Corypheus is mine!" She continued.
"Absolutely not! No one is sacrificing themselves!" Lara looked at both of them angrily.
"My dear, we do not have a lot of time…and we cannot all make it out of this," Dorian spoke, his staff at the ready as the monster towered over them.
Panic consumed her. If either of them stayed, they would die. She didn't plan on losing anyone tonight and anger rose in her at how many life-altering decisions were left to her. This would haunt her knowing she sent someone to die.
"I am not going to be responsible for anyone's death," Lara nearly sobbed.
"You're not responsible if I choose it. Go!" Hawke was now in her face.
A tear rolled down Lara's cheek as she shook her head. Her heart racing, nausea taking over her at what this meant. She was hurting Varric in the process by letting Hawke stay. She was responsible for her death. Before she could respond, Hawke pushed past her towards the monster. Her body froze in place, unable to process what was happening.
"Say goodbye to Varric for me!' She heard Hawke's words echo as she departed.
A sob left her and she felt her body lurch. She couldn't stop what was happening, her body still frozen, holding her in place. This wasn't what she intended but there was no other option. She could hear Hawke battling against it. It was too late.
"Lara! We have to go now!" Dorian yelled as he grabbed hold of her arm, dragging him with her.
She let him pull her and she dared to look back at Hawke, who was swinging her sword wildly, cutting off what she could from the monster, blood splattering everywhere causing her to suddenly resist against Dorian's pull trying to buy more time. She was holding onto a chance, a hope, that Hawke could still make it and run with them towards the rift.
"No…no…please! She can make it…HAWKE!" Lara shouted, still resisting against Dorian. Hawke ignored her cries as she battled the monster.
"Lara!" Dorian shouted, pulling harder on her arm.
"No! Don't do this…please! Stop! Make it STOP!" Lara was now sobbing as she fought and screamed.
"I'm sorry, lethallan," Solas soon covered her vision as he pushed her to Dorian and continued to push her through the rift. She let out a scream as the pull worsened, sending waves of nausea through her as her stomach fluttered. She floated through air, losing control of her body and then darkness.
—-
"Sir Rylen! Demons!" A soldier shouted. Men started racing around. Rylen ran over, sword at the ready.
The rift that remained suddenly was reacting, but to what, Rylen had no idea. Demons were coming out of the rift as it hummed and cackled. Its shape was shifting. Did this mean they were close to the rift? That the demons were trying to escape? Whatever it was, he hoped they had their answer soon.
Iron Bull let out a loud groan. "Fucking demons," He said as he picked up his weapon. "Chargers, let's go! The Boss should be here soon."
Rylen sincerely hoped so. Too many men were injured already. Thankfully, some of the Wardens who weren't affected stood by to help fight. This would help in numbers but if demons kept coming through, their strength can only last so long. Cullen soon approached, sword in hand, men behind him. He nodded at Rylen.
They fought and fought for what felt like forever. Their strength and speed slowly deteriorated as the demons continued to pour in. Suddenly, Stroud and Blackwall appeared as they popped out of the rift. Rylen looked over; Cullen noticed as well, an eager expression now on his face, no doubt waiting for her to appear. Stroud and Blackwall wasted no time in aiding with the demons. Rylen went back into battle, not allowing a demon to catch him off guard and attack.
Dorian soon appeared out of the rift, looking back behind him waiting. He casted a few spells with his staff at any demons that came too near. His eyes remained on the rift, Rylen noticed. He tried to avoid being hurt as he kept his eyes on the rift. Solas soon appeared with the Inquisitor by his side, but they were crouched down on the floor. Dorian walked over to her other side, comforting her.
Where was Hawke? He thought. Something must have happened.
—-
Lara suddenly felt the ground beneath her as she clung onto Solas. He helped steady her. Clangs of swords and screeches of demons could be heard around her. She gasped for breath, pain overtaking her body. She heaved, nausea still gripping her, but nothing came out. Her body was shaking. Dorian's hold was now on her, supporting her.
"My dear, we need to close that rift," Dorian said to her.
A sob escaped her as she turned back to face the rift.
"She's not coming back," Dorian continued, still holding her.
Lara squeezed her eyes shut, the realization hitting her. Hawke was gone. The pain and guilt she felt for leaving her in the Fade of all fucking places. Even if Hawke chose it, that didn't make the pain of it any less.
"I can't…" She whispered. Solas lifted her up to standing. She held onto him, still feeling unsteady.
"Allow me," Solas spoke as he gently grabbed her arm. Lara closed her eyes and surrendered. Somehow Solas doing it made it easier to detach herself from it all. She felt the pull as the green hue illuminated even through closed eyes. The demons screamed as they disintegrated. She heard the clatters of swords drown out from around her. The connection was building between her mark and the rift, the pulling sensation intensifying in her arm. It was quiet and then in a pop, she felt more than heard the rift disappear, the connection to the Fade gone. A chance for Hawke to escape gone as well, sealing her fate.
"No more demon army for Corypheus, it appears. The Divine, or her spirit, was right. That's not how everyone will see it though. They just witnessed the Inquisitor work another miracle," Stroud approached them.
Lara let out a harsh, dry laugh. "They'll know what happened. They'll know about me…"
"They'll know that you escaped a giant demon in the Fade. You survived the Fade physically. I know which story I would prefer," Stroud continued, cutting her off.
"Inquisitor, the Venetori Magister is unconscious but alive. Cullen thought you might wish to deal with him yourself," A soldier approached them.
"At ease, lad. She's only just got here. Give her a moment," Rylen's voice echoed.
Anger now coursed through Lara at the mere mention of Erimond. She wanted to worship Cullen for allowing her to deal with him. For the first time in her life, she wanted to kill someone. Torture them, hear them scream, make them pay for what they did. What he did. To Hawke. This wouldn't have happened if not for him.
"Lass, just want you to know the Warden's helped us fight. Whoever wasn't bloody corrupted. They want to correct Clarel's mistake," Rylen said.
"There's no sign of Hawke since you fell from the bridge. We assumed she was with you," The soldier continued, but hesitated at the last sentence.
Another sob escaped Lara at the mention of Hawke's name. She couldn't stop it. No more tears left her, but the sobs still racked her body. She could feel Rylen tense near her. He already knew something happened.
"Hawke stayed behind so we could escape. She wanted to give Corypheus a decisive blow," Stroud spoke, his voice sad.
"Stroud, you're our senior surviving Warden," A man spoke, "What do we do now?"
Lara looked up and immediately dreaded it. All eyes were on her. Another fucking decision she had to make even though she was clearly suffering with a decision that just happened. She couldn't erase it or fix it and they wanted another one from her. Her original plan was to save the Grey Wardens. Templars and mages were given second chances in the Inquisition, so why not Wardens? Banishing them would mean banishing Blackwall. He proved that their minds could be swayed. Banishing them would just be redoing the same mistakes over again and expecting something different to happen.
Fuck it…
"You stay and you serve. That's what you do, right? Stroud believes the Wardens are worth saving. I trust him. You may still be vulnerable to Corypheus, but we still have a lot of demons that need killing," Lara spoke.
"Thank you, Your Worship. We will not fail you," A Warden spoke.
The crowd around her dispersed. Dorian and Solas were still holding her up, supporting her. This was the longest the two had been in close proximity and not at each other's throats. Lara was grateful they managed to hold it together, but the events most likely had them shell-shocked. She could feel Rylen's eyes on her assessing her. Another pair of eyes watched her from afar and she already pictured the golden hue. She couldn't face him. Not now.
She swallowed hard, forcing words. "Do I have a tent, Rylen?"
"Aye, lass."
"I need to go there now please," She struggled to get the words out.
He turned to lead the way and Dorian and Solas walked with her.
—-
Lara was grateful for the silence and grateful that she was left alone. She was struggling to process what happened but each time a memory came back, it was a sharp pain in her body. She let a few more sobs escape her as she clutched her arms around her body tightly, comforting herself. Losing Hawke hurt more than she thought it would have. The Champion was dead because of her. She sacrificed her life over someone who was a fake. She was no Herald.
She laid herself down in her bed. She somehow managed to wash herself down, wanting to get rid of the Fade that now etched itself into her skin. She didn't feel any cleaner. She wanted to burn her clothes and never touch them again, the memories associated with them too strong to bear. The voice echoing in her head still as if it were right over her shoulder.
Not even your own parents wanted you.
She squeezed her eyes shut as she lowered herself onto her bed, burying her face in the pillow. More sobs escaped her as she allowed the fears she repressed in the Fade to wash over her, allowing them full control. She was too weak to stop it. Her body heaved as it all took over her.
She cried herself into a fitful and restless sleep, plagued by the Fade and the nightmare as if she never left.
