Happy Monday! And Happy New Year x
I hope you all had an amazing first week of the year.
No spoilers…but I've been enjoying Veilguard so much. That's mostly how I spent my week.
NSFW in the middle of the chapter. But followed by a cute surprise from Cullen :)
Thank you so much for all the love and support on this story so far. Over 2,000 views so far which is unreal to me, but makes me so happy!
—-
Chapter 35:
Lara stared at the fire in front of her, ignoring the clothing that clung to her skin from the rain that never stopped in the Storm Coast. The reality of the decision she made now hit her hard. Dread overtook her as she hated to think what her advisors would make of this. Josephine would have to work overtime to smooth the waves she just created.
"What have I done?" Lara whispered aloud.
"You gave the Iron Bull freedom is what you did," Dorian answered her question.
Bull spent the evening with the Chargers. He needed the time alone with them, but Lara was sure he needed time away to process his new life. A new life outside the Qun.
"I just destroyed a Qunari alliance with the Inquisition," She continued on.
"My dear, a Qunari alliance isn't as beneficial as you think it is. They already weren't keen on Bull's position between the Inquisition and the Qun. It wouldn't surprise me if they were planning on taking liberties to throw him under," Dorian confided in her.
"You're not mad at me?" Lara now faced Dorian.
"It must be awful living inside your head," Dorian sighed.
Lara lowered her head, looking away from him. She expected disappointment as an immediate reaction. It was what she was used to growing up: being the disappointment. Her mind was indeed quite dark at times and she struggled to find the light inside. Most days there was no light but she was too exhausted to make her own. Only a certain ex-Templar managed to show her that a light is possible.
"No, I am not mad at you. In fact, I think you've rather done us a favor. With Bull having no ties to the Qun, it makes our situation all the more easier. You've also done Bull a huge favor even if he may not show it. Between you and me, he was having doubts about whether he wanted to stay in the Qun. You may not be Herald by Andraste's hand, but you are more influential than you think. You've allowed people to see other opportunities in their life that they hadn't seen before. You've certainly influenced me," Dorian confessed.
The fire crackled and danced in front of her eyes. She was grateful for the soothing warmth the fire had to offer. Resentment welled in her, warming her up further, but for all the wrong reasons. This was a different kind of jealousy. She was paving the way for everyone's future except her own. Her end was nearing the closer she was to ending Corypheus. Suddenly, she wanted to cry. She wanted to scream. None of this was fair.
"My dear, I hate to ask but what's on your mind?" Dorian sat closer to her, studying her.
"Must be nice having a future," She bit out not caring how childish she sounded.
"You can't possibly know that. Just because the elf can't see it, doesn't mean it's true," Dorian shook his head.
"Cullen spoke of having children. I just froze. I ran away. For once, not because I was scared but because it hurts that I may not be able to have that with him. What if I die and I take away our chance of a future?" Lara tried to hold back the tears that stung her eyes.
"I swear the weather in this forsaken place brings out the worst in you," Dorian muttered.
"I had these thoughts long before we came here if you must know," Lara rolled her eyes.
"Have you told him this?" Dorian asked, ignoring her comment.
"Why would I tell him that?" Lara asked, surprised.
Telling Cullen these fears would just make him doubt where they stood. She didn't want him to doubt her feelings towards him nor did she want to taint him any further. He had enough darkness of his own to worry about.
"Because that's what lovers do. They confide in each other. You may see the Bull and I bicker in public, but behind closed doors where it's just us two, there's a lot more to us. Our conversations are quite heavy, they could almost count as depressing. Almost," He emphasized.
"Does it bring you two closer together or farther apart?" Lara asked.
"Closer together each time. That blessed patient man loves you and I will bet on the finest wine there is that it would not deter him from you if you opened up to him about what's on your mind," Dorian reassured her.
Maybe she was going about this all wrong. Of course she was. When did she ever go about things the right way? Images of his surprised expression when she ran away flooded her mind and she was instantly grateful their visit to the Storm Coast was a brief one. Lara was now only too eager to depart tomorrow so she could see Cullen. They were moths to a flame with each other. No matter how far she ran, they always came back to each other. Perhaps her future had a chance to survive.
"Excuse me for being so terrible at relationships," She remarked.
"You both are, it seems," Dorian scoffed. "Makes it that much easier to forgive each other."
Lara smiled, and for once since being in this forsaken place, it was genuine. Cullen had never held it against her. He always stood there, waiting for her, knowing she was his. Knowing she would run back to him. He always gave her her space, he never suffocated her. Those same foreign emotions bloomed in her chest at the realization.
—-
Lara's mood instantly perked up the closer they were to Skyhold. Bull had left with the Chargers in the middle of the night but Lara didn't hold it against him. The Storm Coast was a dreary place and it only held the reminder of his decision. Skyhold truly was home for them all. Dorian's mood also picked up as he was eager to see Bull, although he wouldn't admit it. A huge sigh of relief escaped her as they passed through the gates. As she descended the carriage, she easily spotted Bull who was watching them. No doubt he was waiting for them both to arrive.
"Hey Boss," Bull spoke as she approached.
Just as she was about to respond, Gatt appeared out of thin air. Her mood instantly soured.
"Inquisitor, it is my duty to inform you that there will be no alliance between our peoples. Nor will you be receiving any more Ben-Hassrath reports from your Tal-Vashoth ally," Gatt spoke.
"You came here just to state the obvious? You could have saved yourself the trip. And his name is Iron Bull. Tal-Vashoth means nothing to me," Lara snidely remarked.
"I'm only fulfilling my duty Inquisitor. Nothing more," Gatt answered coldly.
"You under orders to kill me, Gatt?" Bull closed the distance between them, fists by his side.
"No. The Ben-Hassrath have already lost one good man. They'd rather not lose two," Gatt shook his head.
Gatt soon took his departure without waiting for a response. Lara eyed him as he left. She still couldn't understand why an elf would choose a life under the Qun and think it was freedom. It was one form of slavery to another in her eyes.
"So much for that," Bull turned to her with a smile.
"I'm proud of you, Bull," Lara encouraged. She knew this wasn't easy for him.
Bull let out a chuckle.
"Thanks, Boss. Means a lot to hear you say that," Bull replied.
Krem soon approached them, smiling. Bull turned to him shaking his head.
"You're late," He spoke.
"Sorry, Chief. Still sore from fighting off all those Vints. Good to see you, Inquisitor," Krem nodded at her.
"Honestly, Lara is fine. That fight against the Venatori was a bit dicey," She smiled at him.
"We knew that you and the Chief had our backs," Krem replied confidently.
"Of course," Lara replied and had meant it. She could never sacrifice them. Not after all they did for the Inquisition.
"Chief's even breaking open a cask of Chasind Sack Mead for the Chargers tonight," Krem said with an eager expression.
"Damnit Krem! That's the kind of thing you don't have to mention to the Inquisitor," Bull intervened, pulling out his shield.
"Sorry Chief," Krem hesitated, looking at Lara.
Lara let out a laugh, instantly feeling relieved.
"Secrets safe with me boys," Lara replied.
The smiles on their faces added to the magic of being back home. Krem and Bull began to battle each other, shields pressing against each other. They were laughing and competing against each other but Lara knew it was in jest. The lightheartedness between them only confirmed her decision was the right one. To sacrifice the Chargers would be to sacrifice their men. They may have been Bull's crew, but they were also part of the Inquisition. They worked with Cullen's men and proved to be extremely helpful and worthy of making a name for themselves. Lara watched in amusement and Dorian soon joined her side, swooning at the sight of Bull in action although he would deny it if Lara dared comment on it.
—-
"You always did know how to make an entrance," Cullen chuckled as his eyes found hers.
Surprise overcame her yet again. She wasn't familiar with everyone being so accepting. No one was shaming her, no one was disappointed in her. She had just destroyed a possible alliance with the Qunari yet a scolding never came from anyone even if they didn't approve of her decision. Instead, she was always met with support from everyone and it was still so new to her.
"You're not disappointed in me?" The words were out before she could stop it.
Cullen arched an eyebrow at her words. He placed the papers in his hand on his desk and took slow strides towards her, assessing her.
"Maker, what kind of question is that? Lara, why would I be disappointed in you?" Cullen asked.
"Cullen, I've just ruined a Qunari alliance with the Inquisition. Me. The Inquisitor. Surely that calls for disappointment," Lara argued.
"You saved our men. I know which option I approve of," Cullen spoke softly.
Cullen's men always came first to him, she should know that by now. It's why so many of his men were former templars. He wanted to provide a new life for them. A life full of promises and opportunities. A chance to break free from what held them so tightly. To save them before the Order ruined them.
"Josephine is probably having a heart attack," Lara sighed.
"Uh, she might have some fires to put out," His hand reached behind his neck awkwardly.
Then he laughed. Such a genuine laugh that Lara couldn't help but smile. She loved seeing him so carefree.
"Stop laughing at me," She teased.
"I can't help it. You're so…unpredictable. You always surprise me. No one is disappointed, not even Josephine," Cullen reassured her.
"Can I talk to you about something?" Lara asked, biting her lip.
Dorian's advice had stuck with her so she decided to take the leap. He loved her, she knew that. He closed the distance between them as he stroked her face softly. She closed her eyes, surrendering to his touch.
"Anything, my love," He whispered.
"Last we spoke, you mentioned children. Our children. I ran but not because I was scared. Because it hurts that I may not be able to give you that. What if I take away our future?" Her voice broke.
Strong arms soon surrounded her as he pulled her into a tight embrace. His body swayed with hers as he held her tight, his hand stroking her back, comforting her. The worry and unease that filled her body slowly melted the longer he held her. The safety she felt inside his arms was everything. It was home. His arms were her home perhaps even more than Skyhold was.
"Is this what has been troubling you? You won't take our future away. I will have you for as long as the Maker grants us," He answered.
"That's what worries me. My fight against Corypheus isn't that far away…" She started.
"Lara, no one can predict the future. No one knows what will happen to you when you defeat him. Not even Solas. It is a risk I am aware of, even when I decided you were mine," Cullen interrupted.
"I'm so fucking scared," She whispered, clinging to him.
"Do you remember what I told you when we first arrived at Skyhold? You don't have to carry the weight of the Inquisition alone. Even if it may feel like the weight of Thedas is on your shoulders, you have us. Your advisors. Lara, you have me. Always," Cullen stroked her hair as he swayed her.
"Everyday I feel like I'm being crushed by it," She replied.
"My strong girl. You're so strong but you don't always have to be. Let me carry some of it for you," He urged.
Lara pulled back from his embrace to look at him. The lines on his face weren't so sharp and the bags under his eyes weren't terribly noticeable. He had been in worse condition but he was sticking to his regimen of potions and tea. Lara had noticed pickled eggs made an appearance in his office here and there, which she was sure Cullen snuck them in under Jospehine's nose. She didn't want to set him back when he was doing so well.
"You have enough of your own to carry. I don't want to set you back," She confessed.
"Don't worry about me. I can manage as long as I have you by my side," Cullen pressed a kiss on her forehead.
"You couldn't get rid of me even if you tried," She smirked, raising her left arm.
Making light of her poison seemed to lift some of the weight from the seriousness of it. From the fact that it was killing her, possibly even taking her future away with it. It made it easier to breathe through the outcome of it.
Cullen laughed, shaking his head.
"I'm afraid I love you too much to ever get rid of you. Nor would I ever want to," Cullen replied.
Her heart swelled at his words causing a sudden urgency to wash over her, leading her to sway forward on her toes and brush her lips against his. He wasted no time in pressing his lips on hers, kissing her. Her fingers slid into his blonde locks, holding him close to her as she returned the kiss. His tongue grazed her lower lip, seeking entrance. She was only too eager to grant it. Their tongues danced together as they held each other close. As if it were their last kiss. It only left her needing more of him. All of him. And now.
Sensing her need, he broke the kiss and trailed soft kisses down her neck. Lara closed her eyes, tilting her head to the side, giving him access. A few gentle bites and suction on her neck erupted goosebumps on her skin, her nipples hardening.
"Cullen…yes…more," She sighed as she arched her body into him.
"You have no idea what it does to me when you moan my name," He spoke against her exposed neck as he gripped her tightly.
"It's a good thing you were named Cullen then and not Stanton," She smirked.
Laughter erupted from him as he stood up straight to look at her. A slight blush rose to his cheeks as he rubbed a hand behind his neck. Quickly, he recomposed himself.
"That mouth of yours," He shook his head. "My girl wants more, does she?" He asked, his eyes raw with lust as he stood over her.
"Yes," She replied quickly as her legs pressed together.
"Then I think you should lock the doors, Lara," He began unbuckling his armor.
She swallowed hard as the butterflies in her stomach awoke. He had a knack for setting them wild, especially when he spoke to her like that. In his Commander voice. The one where he is in control. She made haste to the doors, locking them one by one not wanting anyone to disturb them or she may have to electrocute them on the spot. The fact that it would be a misuse of her magic did not even matter to her. Behind her, she could hear him undressing, causing her heart rate to spike. The sight of him naked always took her breath away. Once the doors were locked, she turned to him and froze.
His naked body in full view, waiting for her, leaned against his desk. Inch by inch, she took him in and admired him as the sun shone on him through the glass window, illuminating his features. He was perfect. Tortured both physically and mentally, but still perfect. Her tortured ex-templar. The outline of his muscles highlighting the years of practice, the glistening scars that scattered his body each hiding their own story she only scratched the surface of, the soft golden dusting of hair on his chest that also ran down his stomach to the most delicious part of him. The same part that stood erect, a glisten of precum at the tip. Waiting for her.
"Have you decided you're going to stare at me instead?" Cullen cocked his head to the side.
Her eyes met his. A familiar shade of molten honey that appeared when he was aroused, when he longed for her. A shade she could easily get lost in. Blonde unruly curls matched that shade, now surrounded by a halo of light. That scar on his upper lip, surrounded by light stubble and a fair complexion. He was perfect.
"You're beautiful," She whispered as she took him in.
His cheeks turned red as he chuckled nervously. Pushing himself off the desk, he made his way over to her, cupping her face. She sighed at his touch, surrendering to it. For once, it felt nice to let her guard down. To open up to him. She was safe with him.
"As long as you think I am," He pressed a kiss to her forehead.
Suddenly it hit her that he stood exposed before her, and she was still fully clothed. She could sense the vulnerability from him in his body language. In his words. Quickly, she reached behind her undoing the laces and letting the fabric slip off her shoulders and arms until it fell on the floor. Her boots were next followed by her trousers and undergarments till she stood fully naked in front of him. His expression grew dark as he drank her in, his body now relaxed. His eyes lingered on each part of her body much like hers had on him. Wetness gathered between her legs in anticipation. At the need for him to touch her. Her skin burned for his touch.
A smirk grew on his face as he turned and walked over to his chair, taking a seat. Lara studied him, confused by his movements and wondered if she should join him.
"Come here," He called, as if he could read her mind.
Without hesitation, her feet padded against the floor as she made her way over to him. She had no idea what he had in mind but knew it would be nothing short of perfection. It always was with him, each time causing her to fall deeper and deeper into the depths of emotions she harbored for him. Each time she drowned less and less in it and began to swim. Each time it overwhelmed her less. She was slowly accepting being in love for the first time in her life.
She swallowed hard, her insides clenching, as she took sight of him sitting there stroking his length. Waiting for her. That familiar ache pulsed between her legs as she watched him.
"Sit on my cock and ride me, Lara," He demanded.
A shiver ran down her spine as a jolt sparked her core at his words. She closed the distance and rested her hands on his shoulders as she straddled him, lining his length at her entrance. His length slid down her folds as she lowered her hips down. She gasped at the contact, relishing in the sensations that overcame her.
"So wet for me already," He groaned in her ear as he held her tight.
"Only for you," She replied boldly as she slid up and down his cock, savoring the feel of him.
He groaned again in response as he tilted his head back, his grip on her tightening. She was in control of both her own pleasure and his. He was letting her be in control. Her heart swelled at that fact. He trusted her and she knew this was no easy battle for him. It still didn't stop her from being brave and seeing how far she could go.
She reached down, grabbing his now slick length in her hand, relishing the feel of him with her wetness. With more confidence than the last, she stroked him up and down, winning a pained groan from him. His response was conflicted between pleasure and torture. His past rose to the surface as her hand pumped up and down, reflecting in the pained look on his face. The way his eyes hummed with warning, a plea caught in between continue and stop. The way his muscles tensed underneath her. He was suspended in the unknown, the in between, bouncing back and forth.
"Please, I can't take it anymore," He gritted out.
She immediately obeyed and lined him up at her entrance once more and eased herself down, taking him inch by inch. A familiar stretching took over almost as if her body had already forgotten him and needed another reminder. That stretch was now laced with hunger, with urgency. Her body wasted no time in moving once he filled her. His hands caressed her back as she moved, letting her have control. She arched her back, pressing herself into him. His lips grazed her nipple before taking the erect peak into his mouth, sucking and teasing it causing her to buck her hips against him wildly at the contact. Lost in the sensations, she barely noticed his hands grabbing her hips, holding her in place and guiding her in a different grinding motion. Her body shook in response at the friction, her breath quickening. She gripped onto him, unable to cope with the pleasure uncoiling at the base of her spine.
"Cullen…Ahh! Maker…fuck," She could barely form a sentence.
Cullen chuckled at her outburst. "Just like that, my love. You can take it."
His pace quickened as he guided her. Her nails dug into him as the sensations took hold of her, the friction consuming her. Her body was no longer hers and she trusted him to hold her. To keep her safe. All coherent thoughts exited her mind as she grinded against him. She was lost in only him; his scent, his groans, his arms, his body, his words. It was the only place she was happy to be lost in and never wanted to leave. The pressure building behind her hips made itself known with a ferocity she had never experienced before as she crashed around him, his name leaving her lips.
Her body sagged into him, unable to hold herself up but he held her. He always did. She barely registered him lifting off the chair and placing her down on his desk amongst the piles of reports and paperwork that littered his desk. His pace quickened, pumping in and out of her while his calloused fingers expertly played with her sensitive clit, knowing just the right pressure and motions. The sensations from her orgasm never left, only intensified and suddenly the loss of control of her body became too much.
"I can't…Cullen…not again…" She pleaded, her head tossed back, her hands fighting to find something to grip.
Higher and higher she went. Building and building. Surely this was death.
"You already are, my love," He whispered huskily, a confident smirk on his lips as he watched her.
And indeed, another release consumed her as she screamed, her body shaking as her walls clenched around him, the aftershocks of her orgasm reminding her how much she belonged to him. How much he knew her inside out, better than she knew herself. How deeply he had engrained himself into every part of her and how vulnerable that made her.
He groaned in response, gripping her tightly as his body tensed. His thrusts became more rigid as he pounded into her, on the edge of his own release. Silence. And then her name echoed around her as Cullen filled her repeatedly with each pulse that jolted inside of her. Her name was a prayer, an adoration, a declaration. She didn't miss the way his eyes held her, conveying everything he couldn't say in the moment. He was lost in pleasure, lost in her. Slowly, he withdrew and lowered down, eye level with her core. A finger entered her pushing all traces of him back inside her. Back where it belonged. She arched her back in response, his actions suddenly waking up her desire again. It was primal, it was erotic and she couldn't get enough of him.
"If only you could see how beautiful you are like this," His voice was low. Aroused.
"Like what?" She asked breathily, trying to regain some control.
"Like mine," He replied with such certainty. Like he had never been more sure in his life.
She squeezed her eyes shut tightly trying to wish away the swarm of emotions that appeared. It was too consuming and the severity of it was almost too painful. She was in love with him and love was not something that she was all too familiar with. It was terrifying but thrilling all at the same time. He placed tender kisses on her inner thighs before slowly kissing his way up her body, leaving goosebumps across her skin.
"My love. My future. My world," He whispered as he stroked her cheek.
"Cullen…" She choked, trying to stop her eyes from watering.
"You don't have to respond, but that doesn't mean I can't remind you what you are to me," He cut her off.
She let out a sigh as the emotions subsided into small waves. Words had failed her. She didn't even know how to put her feelings into words, only that no other man would even come remotely close to evoking anything in her that Cullen had. It would only ever be him.
"Speaking of which, I have a surprise for you. Why don't you freshen up and meet me on the battlements this evening," He finished with a small smile.
"What kind of surprise?" Lara arched an eyebrow.
Cullen chuckled. "It wouldn't be one anymore if I told you."
He opened his desk drawer and pulled out an all familiar faint purple vile. Adan must be working overtime to brew these for them. She took it from him and winced as she slid off his desk. Her body was already sore and a whole evening awaited her. The potion went down a treat, quenching her thirst but did nothing to stop the butterflies from running wild at the rugged man in front of her.
—-
As requested, Lara dressed into something more comfortable and her stomach was rumbling in a chorus of protest. Cullen had also requested to come hungry which meant he had food planned. Or so she hoped. She wore a long sleeve linen shirt that was slightly oversized and paired it with leggings and boots. Playfully, she wore Cullen's coat that he had given her when they escaped Haven. With a satisfied smirk, she left her quarters and walked out into the crisp evening breeze, the hues of the sunset warming her. Night would be upon them soon.
The thought of the surprise kept the butterflies in her stomach active. What could he possibly have up his sleeve? There was no sign of Cullen as she walked the far corners of the battlements. It wasn't like him to be late. It was the same tower where she had met Gabriel for the first time in years. Did Cullen know they met here?
"Maker, you really did keep it," A familiar voice echoed beside her.
Her heart sank as he stood in front of her in full armor. Apparently dressing comfortably only applied to her but she knew how much the armor protected him mentally. It made it easier for him to keep his past locked away, hidden by his armor.
"Little did you know you were actually keeping me warm at night," She remarked.
Cullen blushed as his lips turned into a warm smile at the thought of her using his coat as a blanket.
"Never thought I'd be jealous of my coat," Cullen shook his head.
Lara smirked. "Don't worry. You got farther than it did."
"Maker…" He flushed as he rubbed the back of his neck.
"Are you going to tell me what my surprise is?" Lara changed the subject, eager to know what he planned.
"Our duties always keep us here which makes it difficult to get away. I was lucky I had the chance to take you to Ferelden but I'm afraid another moment won't arrive. Your surprise is a date here in Skyhold," Cullen answered, a proud smile on his face.
"A date?" Lara repeated in awe.
"What man would I be if I didn't? Come," He held out a gloved hand.
Lara gently placed her hand in his and let him guide her to the tower. As she stepped inside, the sight before her took her breath away, stopping her in her tracks. The contents of the tower had been rearranged since her last visit with Gabriel. A large thick blanket lay across the floor with a spread of various foods and a bottle of wine with a glass already poured. Warmth spread across her body at the familiar bottle. He had inquired. Pillows were scattered across the blanket. Candles lit up the tower casting an orange hue, blending in with the sunset. A telescope stood nearby pointing towards the glass stained window. This was a scene out of one of Varric's romance novels and she immediately felt undeserving of the gesture.
"A telescope?" Lara asked curiously.
"I thought we could watch the stars after we ate," He replied, studying her.
Tears pricked her eyes. She truly didn't deserve him.
"Cullen…it's perfect," She answered shakily.
No one had ever done something like this for her before. She must be dreaming. Secretly, she dug her nails into her palm trying to wake herself up and was only met with pain. This was reality. He wrapped his arms around her, placing a kiss at the top of her head.
"This is more than I deserve."
"You deserve it and more, Lara. It's a shame no one treated you right before but I intend to change that," He spoke into her hair, holding her tight.
"I love you, Cullen," She confessed.
The truth was she was absolutely in love with the tortured ex-Templar. She may have been the key to everyone's salvation, but he was the key to hers.
—-
She hummed at the taste of the food that filled her belly. Cullen had provided a feast and the wine was the bow on top. She even had to admit the butter biscuits were quite good. Fereldens did have weird taste but it didn't mean she wasn't willing to try.
"You know your men know about us?" She spoke, sipping her wine.
Cullen laughed as he sipped his elfroot tea. It was an indicator that he was having symptoms, he just wasn't telling her. Lara avoided asking so as not to ruin the evening. Not when he put in this effort.
"They knew even before we did," He shook his head.
"What do you mean?" Lara's eyes widened.
"Some of my men placed bets apparently on when we were going to get together and who would make the first move," He answered.
Lara couldn't help but smirk. Rylen was most likely in on it as well.
"I hope none of them won," She remarked.
"I'm afraid some of them did," He laughed. "I would rather our affairs remain private. But if my men had nothing to talk about, I would hate that even more. It keeps morale up at least."
She knew gossip traveled fast around Skyhold. According to Solas, the mages already knew about their relationship and surprisingly were in full support of it. Their support meant more than she realized. Perhaps she really was changing the world with her actions. Perhaps she really was bringing everyone together despite their differences. A second chance.
"I've been…uh," He ran a hand through his hair, sighing. "I wanted to ask before. Where did you pick up to stroke me like that? Together?"
"You really want to know?" Lara arched an eyebrow.
"Try me," He shrugged.
Lara rolled her eyes. "Fine. Dorian, of course."
"Say no more," Cullen sipped his tea.
Lara laughed. "I take it you know about Bull and Dorian then?"
"Yes, and I also know that Mia wrote to you. When were you going to tell me?" He confessed.
Lara stared at him mid sip. Slowly, she gulped down the contents, looking at him. The letter was supposed to be between the two of them and Leliana. She wasn't sure how he pieced that together or what his reaction was going to be. After all, he had invited her to go and it was her who rejected. Surely he wouldn't be mad about this? Perhaps Mia told him.
"I thought it was meant to be a secret. I wrote back to her," She replied after a moment.
"I'm also aware."
"I like her," Lara smiled.
"I'm glad to hear," A fond smile spread across his face.
"You're not close with your other siblings? What about your brother?" Lara asked.
Cullen sighed. "It's complicated."
"You forget I was born a complication."
"Lara," Cullen warned.
She giggled as the awkwardness sunk in. She knew that Cullen hated any mention of her being unwanted, regardless if it was the truth. It made him angry. The wine was slowly getting to her head a bit and she was nearly done with the bottle. Perhaps she should pace herself before she ruined anything between them.
"Tell me. I want to know," She continued.
He ran a hand through his hair, parting his lips slightly and then closing them again. His brow furrowed pondering how to answer the question or where to even begin. Lara sensed he was going to tell her something that others outside his family didn't know.
"Mia was always very protective of me. We had a very special bond. As kids, I suspect he was jealous of that bond. A lot of attention was put on me from Mia and our parents when I wanted to become a Templar which meant not a lot was placed on him and what he wanted. After my family escaped during the Blight and our parents didn't make it, Branson blamed me," He started.
"Why would he blame you?"
"Because I wasn't there. What good was I a Templar if I couldn't serve and protect my own family? He had a point. I barely visited home and stayed away after my parents died. I didn't want to be the cause of any more tension. Whenever I did, it would always end in a fight between Branson and I," Cullen sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.
"Is it still the same?" Lara asked.
"No. We're on better terms now but that was only because he witnessed one of my, uh –" He swallowed hard. "My weaker moments."
Lara knew exactly what he meant. His nightmares, his trauma, his flashbacks.
"Does Mia know?" She continued.
"Yes, but not all of it. You are the only one who knows most of it," He answered firmly.
Her throat constricted at the fact that she knew more than his own family. He had trusted her with the deepest, darkest parts of him that he kept hidden from the world. Hidden beneath his armor. There was still more to discover but she was grateful for what he did share with her. She crawled the distance between them and sat in his lap, resting her head against the cold metal of his armor. It wasn't his chest, his skin, or his warmth, but it was still him. He tensed slightly as a reflex but soon relaxed under her touch.
"May I ask, you mentioned you were kept away as a child. Why?" Cullen whispered.
Her heart beat loudly in her ears, drowning out her surroundings. Memories of her locked away rushed to the front of her mind, consuming her. She steadied her breath, trying to recollect herself. She needed to learn how to let him in. To be as vulnerable as he was with her. No matter how much it pained her.
"I'm not sure the exact reason. I know when there were possible suitors for Evangeline, I was locked away so they wouldn't take any interest in me. I swear I ate most of my dinners in my room than at the table. I spent more time with the servants and my tutors than my own parents. My parents might say because I was the disobedient, wild child but I think it runs deeper than that. I've never asked anyone, not even Gabriel. I don't think I want to know the answer but I fear it's because I'm the reminder of an affair," Lara trembled as she spoke.
"That would make sense," Cullen replied as he stroked her hair.
"I'm not sure who had the affair, but it's hard not to notice how Gabriel and Evangeline look more similar to each other than I do," Lara couldn't shake off the feeling of bitterness.
"I'm so sorry," Cullen held her tighter, comforting her, keeping her safe like he always did as if his armor could protect her too.
"You're the first I've ever spoken about that to," She whispered.
"And you have no idea what that means to me, Lara," He answered.
Lara braved a glance at him to find his honey hues swimming with emotions. It was one of the rare moments where she let him in, even if only a little, and his expression was etched with gratitude as if he were savoring the moment until she next let him in again. She didn't realize how much she needed someone to be let in, how much she wanted someone to know her life and her story. How alone and neglected she had been. Only until being surrounded by people who cared did she realize how deep her hurt ran and how much she needed to be healed. Her fingertips delicately traced the scar on his upper lip, watching in fascination. Admiring how much the scar added to his appeal, to his features.
"Can I at least know about this one?" She asked.
Cullen sighed. "Kirkwall."
His response was as quick as his blade, catching her off guard, though deep down she knew she was stepping into dangerous territory. His scars were echoes of a past that still haunted him to this day.
"What happened?" She pressed on cautiously.
His muscles tensed beneath her touch as he took her in. She started to regret bringing up his past, not wanting to send him back there, though a part of her longed to heal him, to ease his suffering. It was a part of him he never spoke of, a place he didn't know how to revisit.
"Meredith," He finally spoke. "I turned against her and fought alongside the Champion. Unfortunately, her blade didn't miss my face when I got too close. It was only when I saw the blood that I realized it was my own. A mage had stopped the bleeding but I nearly lost it. I refused any healing after that and had it stitched which meant it would scar."
"My brave Commander," She replied, running a hand through his hair.
He stared at her with unease at her response. She knew it wasn't the reply he was expecting but she was done treating him as the enemy. The real enemy was the Order, pinning templars and mages against each other. Their hands were guilty of the suffering they inflicted on mages and templars alike. She leaned in, placing a gentle kiss on his lips and trailed upwards against his scar, kissing every part of the cleanly knitted flesh as if she could dissolve the painful memory. He groaned at her touch, his hands tightening their grip on her as he held her close.
—-
Together they gazed at the stars through the telescope, captivated by the patterns and details the night sky revealed. The clear sky made it even more magical, adding to the perfection of the date. Lara found herself stealing glances at him as he admired the stars, unable to resist taking in his features. His one sided smile set a fire within her each time. Her pulse quickened whenever their eyes met, and she craved his closeness, needing to feel his touch. Cullen spread the blanket outside and they laid together cuddled under the stars. Her head rested on his chest, their legs intertwined as she traced shapes among the constellations.
"You're the first man to ever take me out on a date," She broke the silence.
"And I intend to be the last," Cullen responded confidently.
"No one could ever compare to you. In any way," She sighed.
"You're not alone in that sentiment. No one could even dream of holding a torch to you," He squeezed her tighter.
"Thank you for tonight. I'll cherish it forever," She whispered.
He pressed a kiss on the top of her head as he held her. Time escaped her and she wasn't sure for how long she stayed cuddled against Cullen on the battlements. She didn't even feel him carry her back to his office and up the ladder to his bed. She woke up in the middle of the night disoriented in her surroundings and panicked until she recognized it. Ease settled into her bones as she realized she was safe. Cullen lay beside her shirtless and fast asleep, his expression almost peaceful. A smile crossed her face as she watched him. Looking down she noticed she was only wearing his tunic. He must have undressed her as well.
Settling back down into his bed, she leaned into him. Sensing her, he wrapped his arms around her pulling her closer to him. Her heart expanded at the gesture and for once, she let the emotions wash over her. Being in love was painful, yet beautiful.
