Happy Monday everyone!

The title is as suggested…we're approaching the Titan.
Also Cullen is finally awake but not out of the woods yet.

TW: Nightmares, vomiting, drug use.
Feel free to skip any parts that may be triggering. Mental health always comes first x

Thank you for all your love so far! Hope you all enjoy this chapter :)

—-

Chapter 42: Titan

"What was that?" Valta gasped.

"What was what?" Renn looked around in the darkness.

"Something moved. There! Light a torch," Valta replied.

"So it can see us coming? Just stay close," Renn grunted.

Lara's heart raced. A shadow moved out of the corner of her eye but she had put it down to lack of sleep and lack of food in her system. But Valta had seen it too. She reached out, grabbing Dorian's hand. He squeezed her hand gently. Together they walked slowly, making their way through the darkness.

"Stay together. It's easy to get lost down here," Blackwall warned.

Echoes surrounded the darkness, putting Lara on edge. Anything could come out from these depths and attack them. Not darkspawn. This wasn't their place. Other dark things slept here. Lurked here. Protected here. And they were intruding.

They entered a clearing engulfed in a faint light blue hue. It was almost familiar to Lara, something she had seen before but couldn't place it. More echoes. Movements. Lara stayed close to Dorian as she tried to spot who else was there. A sudden shot echoed through the clearing causing everyone to brace themselves. A grunt came from Renn. Straight to the chest. Everyone immediately prepared their weapons while Lara's shields burst into life around them.

"Renn….No!" Valta cried, her arms around him as he fell to his knees.

The assailants soon emerged from the shadows, entering the light in the clearing. They were covered in armor and kitted with weapons Lara had never seen before.

"Sod it all!" Renn cried out as he stood and charged at them.

Inquisition soldiers joined them in the fight, adding to their numbers. Lara focused her energy on her shields, making sure everyone was safe. The armor…it was dwarven, forged of lyrium. Not the red lyrium the templars were equipped with. Was it raw lyrium? Lara tried to focus again on the shields as her party fought. Tirelessly but bravely. Renn slashed his way through them relentlessly, the pain most likely giving him a burst of adrenaline. They weren't as strong as the Red Templars, thankfully, but their weapons were worrying. The battle was soon at an end but Renn had collapsed. Lara only stared as she dropped her shields.

"You deserved better," Valta spoke as she kneeled over him.

"Renn never wanted this life. He was a cobbler. A good one. He joined the Legion to pay his father's debts. It kept his mother and brother from losing their caste. The poor and desperate here often sacrifice themselves for their family's future," Valta explained.

Lara stepped closer but words escaped her. Loss. It could have easily been avoided.

"Renn was a good man. We'll honor his sacrifice," Blackwall stood by her side now.

"Of course," Lara whispered, nodding her head.

"He always seemed…indestructible," Valta shook her head. Then looked towards the bodies.

"The armor on these warriors…there's lyrium woven directly into the metal. And it's bonded to their skin. Impossible to remove, but I know what we'd find underneath. These are dwarves. Renn was killed by our own kind," Valta closed her eyes, a tear sliding down her cheek.

That same nausea curled in her gut, causing Lara to close her eyes to try and steady her breath. Valta confirmed her thoughts. Her suspicions. But why?

"Why?" She croaked out.

"They never spoke a word. No warning, no demands…just violence. I won't leave Renn like this. We must return him to the Stone," Valta placed her hands on his chest.

"Atrast tunsha, Salroka," She spoke as she closed his eyes.

—-

One of the walls shone in a blue hue with what Lara assumed was dwarven writing. The smooth and clean carvings fascinated her. If only she knew what was written…

"This is like the Wall of Memories in Orzammar, but ancient, very ancient," Valta observed.

Like ancient elven…

"The words seem based in Dwarven, but I barely recognise this dialect," She continued.

"Can you pick up any words?" Lara suddenly found her voice, but it was weak.

"Only fragments. The language is very different from what we speak today. This word keeps appearing: Sha-Brytol. I believe it means 'revered defenders'," Valta pointed to the carving.

"What could they possibly be protecting?" Dorian approached them.

"Isatunoll…Isatunoll…cut our tongues…entomb our bodies…watch over the Titan until it stirs. So the warriors who attacked us must be the Sha-Brytol and they're protecting a Titan," She finished enthusiastically.

"Lovely," Dorian responded sarcastically.

It was the Temple of Mythal all over again. The Sentinels, the ancient elves, Abelas. Who fought to defend and preserve their memories, their history. The dwarves had Sentinels of their own it seemed with the same goals. Again, she was the intruder.

—-

A strong light blue illuminated the paths before them. Stillness, quiet…except for the faint hum around them. Shaped like lightning bolts, but pure. Lyrium veins in its rawest form, untouched. Lara couldn't help but stare at them, her mouth agape with fascination. Despite the power lyrium held, despite the damage it caused, it was beautiful. Even if it did tear her lover apart. She could understand the addiction, the need for it. The ache for it. Something so pure, so beautiful, yet so destructive.

She was illuminated in…starlight. Suddenly, her dream came crashing back into her. The one she had before the War Room. It was the Fade, only no sickly green hue. A light blue aura, like starlight. And here she was. Standing in that place, only it was in the Deep Roads. Or past the Deep Roads at this point. Forgotten Caverns that were protected by ancient beings. Like Mythal. Like Abelas.

Solas.

How could she have forgotten him? The nightmares that plagued her sleep. Yet, Solas didn't try to find her. Didn't try to help her. Worry bloomed in her stomach at the thought that he wasn't able to find her. She needed to find him. In seconds, she was thrust out of that fog. Out of that dissociated state where she only existed in someone's memory. Where she finally landed back in her body for the first time in days. She rushed back to where Dorian stood.

"I need to go to the Fade. I need to find Solas," Lara whispered to him.

"I'm surprised you didn't search for him sooner," Dorian gave her a small smile.

"I…I didn't…" Lara sighed.

"It escaped my mind as well, my dear," Dorian placed his hand on her arm, giving her a small squeeze.

Rylen soon came up from behind them, studying them.

"Lara needs to go to the Fade and speak with the elf," Dorian turned towards him.

"Now?" Rylen arched an eyebrow.

Lara only nodded.

"Surely the soldiers could use a small break while she…well, whatever it is you do," Dorian waved a hand.

Lara shook her head. She still didn't have the energy.

"Aye, I'll tell the men to rest up for an hour or so," Rylen nodded.

"Thank you," Lara offered him a weak smile.

Rylen looked nervous but he left to address the men, advising them of the next steps. Most of the men looked relieved to take another break. Some even requested to take a nap. No doubt her nightmares and screams had kept them from sleeping. Still the guilt never came, that emptiness still lingering.

Lara found a quiet corner where she sat down, preparing herself to meditate. To slip into slumber and search for Solas. Hopefully, she would find him in the Fade. Dorian and Blackwall approached her.

"We'll keep watch, my lady," Blackwall nodded, his weapon ready in his hands.

"Give him my regards. Try to get him to admit he misses me," Dorian winked.

She tried to smile, but it hurt. It hurt so damn much. Dorian didn't press on any further. They walked ahead, but still in her sight. Allowing her to do what she needed to do. The gesture was not unnoticed by her, and she wished to be filled with gratitude but everything was so much effort. Sighing, she closed her eyes and let herself be drifted to meditation. To sleep. Let her body be drifted from far beneath the Earth, to the realms of the Fade.

—-

Panic seized her as she entered the Fade. The nightmares had given this place so much fuel, she was sure the nightmare demon was lurking somewhere behind her where she couldn't see it, but it could see her. Swallowing hard, she navigated through the sickly green fog. Navigated the hell that she brewed here with her mind alone. Was she ever to rid herself of this nightmare demon? How long had it festered here her whole life only to have faced it now as Inquisitor?

It was like looking into a mirror that she refused. Only to be forced. To meet and greet the very dark corners of her mind. A figure lurked, navigating. Searching. Lara stood still, not sure if it was safe to call out or stay frozen and pray they didn't see her. The closer the figure appeared, the more familiar it became. Divine timing it must have been.

"Solas?" Lara whispered, holding onto what little hope she had left.

"Lethallan," Solas greeted her with a smile.

A cry escaped her as she lunged towards him, hugging him. He hesitated, but wrapped his arms loosely around her. Tears ran down her face at the familiarity. Someone outside the hell she was in. Someone that reminded her of home; Skyhold.

"This was not what I expected," Solas commented, looking around him.

Lara pulled back, taking in her surroundings. Her fears. Her nightmares.

"I can't remember the last time I slept properly," Her voice cracked.

"I apologise for not seeking you out sooner. Even if just to check on you while you dreamt," Solas admitted.

"I didn't seek you out either…I don't know who I am at the moment…or what's even happening," Lara shook her head, wrapping her arms around herself.

She felt Solas's eyes on her. Really looking at her, taking her in. As if looking past her, inside her. His expression was not a satisfied one. She was thankful there were no mirrors to reflect her appearance. Her armor was getting heavier, which meant she was getting smaller. Her clothes didn't fit the same. She had no doubt her face was hollow, sunken.

"You are not well. Your body is…frail," Solas observed her.

Lara closed her eyes. She was at a loss for words. This was not a topic she wanted to talk about.

"Why didn't you check on me?" She changed the subject.

"Perhaps now is the time to tell you. It is part of why I sought you out. It seems we had the same idea," Solas answered.

Her head slowly rose to look at him, panic stirring again.

"Tell me what?" She whispered.

"I believe your advisors wish to keep it secret from you. I disagree. Cullen is not well," Solas said sternly.

Her knees buckled as the words sunk in. She knew it. Maker, she fucking knew it. That hollowness returned. She retreated back into that shell. Of nothingness. As her knees buckled, her legs gave out. Before she could fall, Solas held her, gently guiding her to the floor. He sat across from her, watching her.

"How bad?" Her voice was hoarse.

"It is the worst I have ever seen his symptoms," Solas answered gently.

No…no…no…

"He will live but he's not safe from its grasp yet. It will take him some time to recover from it," Solas continued.

"Does Rylen know?" Lara looked at him, eyes wide.

"I am uncertain. Most likely not. If they are keeping it secret, it would be a risk to tell him in case he informs you," Solas replied.

Lara wrapped her arms tightly around herself. She hated to imagine the state he was in. How much he was suffering. It must have been bad enough for Solas to seek her out. To warn her. Memories of his symptoms, of his withdrawals played in her mind. The nightmares, the night sweats, the fever chills, the screams and pleas in his sleep. So many questions she desperately wanted to ask but refused. The answers would only break her. She wasn't ready to know.

"I don't know what to do," She finally spoke.

"Now that we are here, your nightmares are a good place to start. The more you feed it, the more it will haunt you in your waking state. It already has," Solas pointed out.

"Before we start…Dorian wanted you to know it won't kill you to admit you miss him," Lara attempted a smile, but failed.

Solas scoffed. "Not even the depths of that place are enough to silence him."

"He is suffering, too, Solas. It's breaking him…but he's put it aside to help me. I want to feel guilty. I need to. But I can't. I feel empty. I am empty," Lara confessed.

Solas studied her again. He didn't look at her with pity, but with concern. He didn't press her for details of what occurred in the Deep Roads.

"The library is perhaps too quiet at times but he is the only person besides myself that is best suited to be by your side," Solas replied.

"Is that your way of saying you miss him?" Lara asked.

"I have admitted no such thing," Solas shook his head.

Not even a smile from her. It hurt too much.

"Enough distractions. The pain you carry is too evident," Solas examined his surroundings, deciding where to start first.

Lara nodded. She was already broken. What else was there to break?

—-

"I need to talk to her," Rylen's voice echoed.

"In case you haven't noticed, her and the elf are prancing around in the Fade at the moment," Dorian retorted.

"It's been almost an hour," Rylen sighed.

Their voices drew closer to her the more she slipped out of the Fade and back into her own body. She floated in the in between. Between reality and the Fade.

"You must wake up," Solas's voice called to her as he released his hold on her.

A harsh gasp echoed around her as her eyes shot open. The glow of the lyrium veins welcomed her, the cold stone underneath her cooling her skin. At some point, she must have laid down. Pushing herself up on her arms, she was soon met with three pairs of eyes studying her; Blackwall, Dorian, and Rylen.

"Well? Did he confess how much my absence pains him?" Dorian raised an eyebrow.

"The library is too quiet apparently," Lara replied.

Dorian sighed. "Better than nothing, I suppose. I'll torment it out of him when we return."

Blackwall chuckled, shaking his head.

"Lass, I need to talk to you," Rylen spoke to her.

Lara nodded as she tried to stand up. It was a struggle. Her body groaned in protest. Still too weak. Rylen gripped her, lifting her up to standing, a worried look on his face.

"It's Cullen," He whispered so only she could hear.

She winced at the sound of his name. The pain he was enduring while she wasn't there.

"I know," She replied, her voice shaking.

Rylen arched an eyebrow at her.

"Solas told me. He sought me out, too. He's been healing him," Lara answered.

"Aye. I suspected you'd put him in charge when you left him behind. I received word today. I contemplated not telling you…but the guilt fuckin' ate me alive. If anything happened, I knew you wouldn't forgive me," Rylen admitted.

A tear rolled down her face but she didn't have the energy to wipe it. Nor the energy to be mad at Rylen for even thinking of keeping it from her. So little mana left in her body, she needed to preserve it. Rylen's arms were soon around her, hugging her. She sank into his hold, letting him comfort her. It wasn't Cullen. Nothing would ever come close. But it soothed that ache in her that she wasn't in this hell alone. That there might be a shred of hope she and Cullen would both make it out alive.

—-

His throat seared with pain as he stirred. Swallowing only made it worse but he tried to attempt moisturizing it on his own. He was only met with more pain and a dry mouth with cracked lips. Parched. As if he hadn't drank in days and had been screaming. He blinked a few times trying to take in his surroundings. Dizziness. The world around him unfocused. He let out a groan. His voice was so hoarse he barely recognised it. Slowly, he tried to move his limbs only to be greeted with pain and weak muscles.

"Do not move too much too soon," A voice spoke to him.

He knew that voice. That couldn't be good.

"Solas?" He croaked.

"Correct," The elf replied.

Everything slammed into him at once. The hum that snapped his last tether of resistance in the Deep Roads, the nightmares, the cravings that nearly drove him mad. That sent him into a frenzy. That craving now curled underneath his skin, causing him to lick his lips. It was an all too consuming madness that wouldn't escape him despite his efforts.

"Just give it to me. I…need it," He licked his lips again.

"If that is your attempt at humor, I must say it is in poor taste," Solas replied, annoyed.

"Put me out of my misery," He gritted out, his body jerking.

"I will not do that. Do not ask me again," Solas reprimanded.

"Then why are you here?" He snapped.

"To heal you," Solas answered.

"I didn't ask you to," Cullen clenched his jaw.

"I'm not under your orders, and I believe hers surpasses yours," Solas shrugged.

Lara.

His chest constricted, closing in on him. The full details of the state he was in, what he endured since the Deep Roads were still unclear. He only prayed that she did not bear witness to it. To see him at his absolute worst. Maker, his withdrawals had never been this bad since he first decided to quit lyrium altogether. How his body had survived it a second time was a miracle. Braving a look down at his body, he spotted blood on his bed linens and on himself. Nosebleeds. It had been some time since he had any from his withdrawals. Based on the amount of blood he saw, it made up for lost time.

"Where…where is she?" He sighed, shutting his eyes.

"She is still in the Deep Roads," Solas replied, tonic in hand.

"How is she?" He pressed on.

"She's safe," Solas answered briefly.

That answer terrified him. Either Solas didn't know or he was hiding it from him. He knew how close Lara was with him. How she trusted him. How they visited the Fade together. It was a connection she had with him that he could never compete with. If anyone knew of her state, it would be him. Before he could continue, Solas was peering over him.

"Drink this," He spoke, holding the vial to his mouth.

The familiar herbal scent of the liquid wafted in his nose. It was the usual tonic Solas gave him mostly to help him with the headaches and body aches. The headaches alone caused him to snap at times so it was a relief. He opened his mouth, grateful for any form of liquid to quench his thirst, and let Solas tip the contents down his throat. Maker how much his body and muscles ached.

"If you are sore, it's because you've been fighting in your sleep the past few days. The tonic will help. Food will be here shortly. You need to eat," Solas advised.

Fighting in my sleep? For a few days? Maker, what's happening to me…have I lost this much control over my body?

He winced at the fact. This bed had been his home for Maker knows how long. Who knows who had witnessed his episodes while he slept. What he uttered or screamed in his sleep. He couldn't recollect his dreams. Faint images appeared here and there but it was all fuzzy. He didn't know how to put the pieces together. The thought of memory loss made him sick. It was one symptom he wished to avoid entirely.

The smell of food filled his nostrils causing his stomach to churn. He felt sick to his stomach, no matter how good it smelled. Familiar notes caused him to open his eyes and peer at the tray in front of him. It was food…from Ferelden.

"Josephine took it upon herself to order food from your home for when you woke. She thought it might comfort you," Solas explained as if he could read his thoughts.

Cullen blushed at the sentiment. Words had failed him for how grateful he was. He would have to thank Josephine later. The food would definitely go down easier this way. He groaned as he sat himself up. His body was weak which meant he had a lot of catching up to do to regain his strength. His withdrawals had depleted him, the extent of them still unknown. Without food, without sleep…they were worse.

—-

The familiar magic of Skyhold hummed through her veins. She was home. She was safe. Only there was a darkness in the air, a darkness that threatened to swallow the fortress whole. Gone was the usual sunshine that added to the beauty of this place. Voices and the bustle of Skyhold echoed in her ears but there was not a soul in sight. Lara looked around trying to find someone. Anyone. Nothing.

Her heart raced as she took slow footsteps. Something was lurking, watching her. The hairs on her body were raised as her legs began to shake. Then silence. All she could hear was the sound of her breathing. Struggling to keep calm. Until shrieks drowned her ears causing her to wince. Darkspawn. They had found her. Her legs took off, waking up at the threat. She ran up the stairs by the tavern, hoping they wouldn't occupy the battlements.

Cullen's office. Her safety. He would protect her. Nothing could harm her there. The shrieks grew louder; they were gaining on her. Darkness inked the sky pitch black. As if the Deep Roads had claimed this place. No light. No surface. There was no escaping that hell.

She threw the door open to Cullen's office and the sight before her stole her breath. Suffocated her. His office was illuminated in light blue as the lyrium veins consumed it, covering every corner. Cullen sat at his desk, shirtless, head bowed. Lara didn't miss the lyrium kit open on his desk, the very same one he had thrown at the wall nearly missing her. The contents of it lay across the desk, in his hands. The air left her body, her heart had stopped beating. There was only one reason his head was lowered. Only one thing that was happening…

Sensing her, his head shot up. That satisfied look on his face would forever haunt her. Powder dusted his face, clung to his lips. His tongue darted over his lips, savouring every last particle. His power echoed in the office around them. Echoed with the hum of the lyrium veins. This is what he looked like when he took it. What he felt like. The power that emanated off of him was terrifying. He could silence her, he could kill her. Suddenly her magic seemed insignificant.

"Did you really think you were enough to keep me from it?" He cocked his head to the side, smirking.

This was the same man who had killed her kind. Who had wielded that very power that lurked under his skin. That consumed the room around him. Her feet were stone, shackling her to the floor. She couldn't move. It was a nightmare that wouldn't end, a piece of the nightmare demon's lair. A trap for her to walk into.

Before she could answer, her magic slipped and drained from her body leaving her defenseless. Leaving her vulnerable. The silencing she had anticipated finally happened. His footsteps quickened towards her, every muscle in his body inflated from the power that lurked beneath. She tried to scream. Nothing. Her magic, her voice….all taken from her. She choked instead.

—-

"Here we go again," Dorian muttered as he helped her off the bed.

Lara heaved, vomit filling the bucket underneath her. She shook as she heaved, her body trembling from what she just bore witness to. What she prayed she would never imagine. The sound of the tent flaps barely registered as Rylen made his way in. He had mumbled something but Lara couldn't make it out. Each gasp she took in between heaves slashed her throat with more pain. She coughed in response but it only made it worse.

Those gasps morphed into sobs as she shut her eyes tight. There was only so much she could endure. That same darkness that consumed Skyhold curled around her, piercing its claws into her. Rooting her in it. That heavy hollowness returned, tugging her down and taking her under. There was no escaping it. Dorian's arms wrapped around her as he guided her back to the bed. She surrendered to him, surrendered to crying as if it could rid her of every nightmare her mind had conjured. Cried until she was empty. Until there was nothing left of her to remove.

With a shaky arm, she ignited the Anchor. A tiny seed of relief filled her. It was just a dream. A nightmare. It wasn't real. Her magic still ran through her veins. Dorian nor Rylen asked any questions but they simply watched her. She lowered her arm, hugging it close to her. Never did she think she would be grateful for the Anchor. Grateful that it ignited. That it was still hers.

Once she was steady, she made her way out of the tent into the crowded cavern beneath the rock. They had defeated waves of the Sha-Brytol, defending this area with their last dying breath. They were close. The pulses of the tremors were different, closer. The hum echoed in their ears as if the Titan lay behind that last door. Whatever form it manifested, Lara didn't want to know. Not all the Inquisition soldiers could stay in this cavern. The others had traveled back to the last camp to wait there, ready to reappear should things go wrong. The carvings on the wall were a threat, Lara knew that much.

Only the pure may pass. All others will be punished.

Pure she was not. Not while this Anchor tainted her. Killed her. She was always the other, the intruder, even if she would rather be anywhere else than here. Eyes were on her, assessing her. She didn't return their gaze. The answer was already clear; her state. Her screams were familiar to the soldiers by now, her appearance was most likely haunting. She was grateful that she didn't have a reflection to look into. It would only confirm what she knew. Her weight had plummeted since she set foot on that lift, that first descent down into this nightmare. A mirror was unnecessary. Glimpses of her bones through skin while she was undressed were enough.

How did the soldiers not have nightmares of their own? How did this not haunt them? Perhaps because they already faced their nightmares, and she was just now facing hers. Ever since she was held prisoner, ever since the titles of Herald and Inquisitor were thrust upon her. She regretted not being more appreciative of the comfortable life she had, despite her problems. They were insignificant to the horrors of the world she faced in the past few months.

"You're going to need another one, Boss," Bull approached her with the same pale, yellow vial.

"I can't," She shook her head.

"I still have more. If this Titan bullshit is really through that door then it's best to take it before we go. Can't have you vomiting your guts up in a fight," Bull urged.

With a sigh, she took the vial from Bull and pocketed it.

Before she carried on to the Titan, she needed Solas again. Funny how the Fade was a comfort to her now. An escape from these depths.

—-

Solas had unlocked a new possibility in the Fade. They were in Skyhold, only it was just them. No darkspawn. No lyrium. No Cullen. The nightmare she had, she faced it from the comfort of Skyhold. The magic in the fortress gave her strength to face her fears. It all came back to her fear of being nothing, being unworthy. Everyone abandoning her because she was a mistake. When would it end?

The visit gave her some peace. Some light at the end of the tunnel. That same bright light that warmed her skin now. She blinked a few times to adjust her eyes. Was this…sunlight? Lyrium veins etched in the ceiling above leading to a platform down below, as if sustaining it.

Dun dun. Dun dun. Dun dun.

A steady, pulsing heartbeat thrummed in the walls, in the air around them. It hummed in her bones. Something was alive here, yet the beats were oddly calming her. Grounding her. In the distance, clouds gathered below with trees peaking through. It was the most light that had graced her in Maker knows how long and she nearly sobbed at the exposure. The sight below her was too beautiful to put into words.

"Nothing should surprise me anymore…but this. Wait," Valta spoke, looking around, searching.

"The rhythm we followed–-we found the source. But not the Titan," She shook her head.

Lara didn't know how to respond. What did a Titan even look like? A lyrium crystal shaped as a heart, lyrium veins hooked inside it…that was definitely the Source. Was it keeping the Titan alive somewhere?

"We can't be so sure. It's most likely lurking somewhere, watching us," Dorian looked around.

Valta walked forward, taking in her surroundings.

"We have found the Titan!" She finally exclaimed. "We are standing inside it!"

"What do you mean inside?" Lara hesitated.

"Think back to when we left the Ruined Thaig. I could feel that this wasn't the Deep Roads. The Sha-Brytol attacked because we invaded a place only the 'pure' are allowed to enter. The body of the Titan," Valta answered.

Before Lara could respond, the Sha-Brytol stood on the other side of the bridge, blocking their entry. They meant to fight but Lara couldn't understand why they were still fighting. What the objective even was anymore. It was to stop the tremors, but were they to destroy the Titan's body? With a sigh, she raised her shields, covering everyone. It was only her party this time. She demanded Rylen leave the soldiers behind and would summon them if they were needed. He bit his tongue but she could see the disapproval on his face. She preferred disappointment rather than pity.

—-

Cullen pinched the bridge of his nose as he read his way through the reports, trying to settle his trembling body. Nicholas was stepping in as Captain while Rylen was away. Cassandra was also with his soldiers, aiding them and Nicholas. Cullen was grateful but it meant the reports had piled up while he succumbed to his withdrawals. He was still too weak to leave his bed, his muscles and head still sore, but not enough to ignore his duties. He was still Commander of the Inquisition, withdrawals or not.

The situation in the Deep Roads was worse than he thought but that was miniscule compared to what he read about Lara's conditions. Nightmares, screams, vomiting, hollowness, weight loss. He had sent her there. He had put this upon her. Guilt now tore at him. Tore him to shreds. He rubbed his chest as if to ease that guilt, but to no avail. He had failed to protect her, he couldn't save her and it pained him more than he could have imagined.

"Is resting that torturous to you?" Solas walked in, tonic in hand.

Cullen sighed as the elf eyed all the paperwork spread across his bed and bedside table. Working meant chasing his demons away, ignoring their presence. He hated to admit it even if Solas most likely knew why he worked so much. Sitting in bed with nothing but the four walls to stare at was torture. His mind would flood him with bad memories if left with nothing to do. Work was a distraction, an exhaustion for his mind so it wasn't able to go down those depths he fought to keep locked away.

"How is she?" Cullen asked instead.

Solas still held his gaze and Cullen wondered how much he was going to defend her. Surely he knew it would be in the reports. Cullen knew he only aided him for Lara's sake. The elf would easily defend her over him, but he was fine with that. It eased him to know there were people on her side. Others who would protect her when he wasn't able to.

"Alive. Safe," His answer was abrupt.

"I know she's not well," Cullen narrowed his eyes.

"Then why ask me?" Solas arched an eyebrow.

"You haven't visited her in the Fade?" Cullen responded.

Maybe the elf didn't know her state.

"I have," Solas placed the tonic in his hand.

Cullen sighed as he popped open the vial and tipped the content down his throat. Solas wasn't one to shy away from making his feelings about others known. Cullen knew the elf didn't take kindly to him but his answers were frustrating him.

"Whatever feelings you have towards me, can you put them aside for one moment? I need to know how she is," Cullen pleaded.

"I am under her orders, not yours," Solas narrowed his eyes.

"I don't understand," He pinched the bridge of his nose. "She's human just like I am."

"She is different. Unlike any human I've ever encountered. I never believed it possible but she has altered my perceptions," Solas's voice softened.

Cullen eyed him. That connection between them sparked loud and clear. He knew it was nothing romantic but it still didn't stop the jealousy from rolling in. A connection he could never have with her.

"You know I love her…" He urged.

"Yet you sent her there knowing it would destroy her. You lied to her about the lyrium mines to keep her quiet even though you knew it was a risk. With your selfishness, you've destroyed her in the process. Look at where you are now. Look at where she is," Solas hissed.

Cullen winced at his words, that sharp pain in his chest slashing him. He had been so selfish, so stubborn, so determined. Needed to overcome that addiction. Needed to prove that he had overcome it. That the lyrium couldn't touch him anymore. What a fool he had been. That foolishness had destroyed them both, but the pain of destroying her tore at him. He had abandoned her in those Deep Roads, left her to suffer…he would never forgive himself.

"I will tell you this. When you were unconscious, the other advisors wanted to keep your condition a secret from her. Even Cassandra. I allowed them time hoping they would see their error and change their minds. They did not. I sought Lara out in the Fade to tell her myself," Solas confided in him.

A secret? From her? Maker, have they lost their mind!

"You did that for her sake, though. Not mine," Cullen shook his head.

"Perhaps, but I knew that you would not have agreed with their decision either. You would have wanted her to know," Solas replied.

"You did right. Thank you," Cullen nodded.

With that, the elf departed from his part of the infirmary. He still didn't have a true answer on what she looked like. He wished he had the ability to see her, even if it was in the Fade. A dark laugh escaped him. Never did he think he would see the day where he wished he had magic. After so many years of fearing it, hating it. Yet, Lara had shown him all the good that could come from magic. How it can heal, protect, save, and love all at the same time. He could agree with Solas on one thing; she was unlike anyone he had ever encountered, human or not.

—-

The Sha-Brytol come here to drink the Titan's blood. Only what flows through the Titan's blood is…lyrium. Images of Cullen, the memory of Solana pouring it down his throat…she shuddered, shutting her eyes as if it would rid her mind of it. Nausea curled in her stomach; she was grateful for Bull's tonic. Now was not the time to vomit. Not when she needed to focus. Not when they were approaching the heart shaped lyrium crystal. The rhythm of that beat beside her, beating with her own heart as one.

They all stood there, watching it in fascination. The aura of the crystal, the hypnotic thrum, the whispering hum. It lured them in a trance until the crystal shone a bright light that flashed as quick as a lightning bolt at Valta, throwing her down the bridge. She laid there, holding her body close to herself.

"Valta!" Blackwall cried out.

Lara started to run towards her but slammed into a wall barrier decorated with thin lyrium veins that suddenly erected from the ground. Rocks began to tremble and move towards the heart. The veins attached to the heart shattered like glass, shards falling around them. Lara watched the rocks slowly collect towards the centre in horror, in disbelief. Hovering above them was a body, a body composed of rock with connecting veins of lyrium.

Was this the Titan? Were they really to destroy it and erase ancient history in the process?