# Mayhem on the Hogwarts Express

Barmy_old_Codger

Rating: PG13
Genres: Romance, Humor
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 4
Published: 14/04/2009
Last Updated: 14/04/2009
Status: Completed

A continuation of: “That Night & the Next Morning” (Two-Shot: read both chapters); “It wasn’t His Fault!” (One-Shot); “No More Quills; No More Books; No More of Snape’s Dirty Looks” (One-Shot). This is Episode 5.

## 1. Mayhem on the Hogwarts Express

“Mayhem on the Hogwarts Express”

The Fifth part of: “That Night & the Next Morning”

By the Barmy_old_Codger

One Shot … A continuation from:

“No More Quills; No More Books;

No More of Snape’s Dirty Looks”

Pursuant to the Berne Convention Implementation Act of 1988 and the Digital Millennium Copyright Act of 1998, this work is copyrighted 2007 with all rights expressly reserved by its author unless explicitly granted. No portion may be reproduced in any fashion without the express written and notarized permission of the author.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Harry Potter characters. All characters are creations of Joanne K Rowling, © 2007, to whom I am deeply indebted. I make no money from any of this.

Note Zero: Thanks Edmond O’Donald for Beta-ing this chapter. Look up his stories on fanfiction dot net. Or find him on groups.yahoo.com/group/the_scribbler/

Note One: Previous episodes/chapters/stories:

“That Night & the Next Morning” (Two-Shot: read both chapters)

“It wasn’t His Fault!” (One-Shot)

“No More Quills; No More Books; No More of Snape’s Dirty Looks” (One-Shot)

Note Two: Read the Author’s Notes in the previous episodes. This is and will be A/U. Thank you.

Note Three: lyrics for the first stanza of:

“WHERE HAVE ALL THE FLOWERS GONE” Words and music by Pete Seeger; Performed by Pete Seeger and Tao Rodriguez-Seeger

http://www.arlo.net/resources/lyrics/flowers-gone.shtml will be found below.

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“Mayhem on the Hogwarts Express”

Saturday July 3rd 1995, about 10:30 AM

Some of the First Years had brought their trunks down to the Common Room, a few of the other students laughed at them, but the older ones saw the usefulness of it. At ten thirty precisely, half a dozen House Elves appeared in the Common Room and the trunks vanished with them. That was the cue to head down to the front doors of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry for the carriage trip to Hogsmeade Station. The House Elves were ferrying every student’s trunk to the station and loading them on the train. That meant the train was there and the carriages would be at the front doors of the school.

On their way along the corridors and down the varied staircases, Harry thought it odd that Hermione carried her school bag. It looked like it had a couple of books in it and he figured it must be reading material for the trip. Harry and Hermione found an empty carriage and no sooner were they seated than several girls from Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw and one from Slytherin, the beautiful, Daphne Greengrass, piled in without so much as a ‘may I’ or ‘by your leave’. The carriage, once full, left directly for the station, so there was no getting off. The doors magically locked while the carriage was in motion as a safety feature, unfortunately there was standing room only. Harry was trapped in there with Hermione and seven other girls in a six-seat carriage. Every time the carriage hit a bump, a pot hole, or even a ruddy pebble, one girl or another would try to sit in Harry’s lap or shove her bust into his face. Hermione was getting knocked around too, and sometimes it was blatantly obvious that it was intentional.

Hermione pulled her wand as Harry picked her up and placed her on his lap. Immediately there was space around the pair. They had heard what she was supposed to have done to the youngest Weasleys and it took them a few seconds to think about ganging up and throwing Hermione out a window. She couldn’t get them all quick enough to stop them, or so they thought.

Harry was very uncomfortable in his current situation and he had no idea what this pack of girls was capable of, they seemed to have one thing in mind, getting Harry. Harry had seen Hermione’s wand come out and the girls backed away. He picked her up and sat her on his lap to run interference, he was sure the girls wouldn’t harass another girl, how wrong could he be? In his arm that he loosely wrapped around her, he had his wand up his sleeve, the business end between his fingers. The girls started advancing towards him and Hermione. HHe began sticking the seated ones to their seats while Hermione began stunning the rest. By the time they arrived at the station, Hermione had started explaining the facts of life to Harry (No! not those facts! Sheesh!).

She explained that he was quite attractive, alright handsome; even for a fourth year and the other girls wouldn’t mind at all trying to help him manage his hair. Either the hair on his head or the other patch she assumed he had, though she wasn’t going to tell him that yet. Harry blushed to a nice fuchsia pink before she continued. He was now a Tri-Wizard Champion, not to mention his other hyphenated titles. She had overheard several of the pureblood girls discussing ‘Old Family’ fortunes and they had speculated that the Potters had as much or more than the Malfoys or Blacks. Hermione had heard Draco boast about his family’s fortune, but never put an actual number to it. She assured Harry that she was NOT interested in his money. Finally he wasn’t an arrogant, stuck-up prat like Malfoy. She also pointed out that some of the older girls might even try to get pregnant from him if they couldn’t entice him any other way.

Harry was completely disgusted by the idea that anyone would try to trap him in that way and then he thought of Ginny. He continued thinking about what Ginny could be capable of while they walked from the carriages to the train. Harry eventually concluded that Ginny would have to be carefully watched – because, he thought, that she might be determined enough to attempt pregnancy or a love potion. When he told Hermione his thoughts, she suggested the possibility of Ginny using Polyjuice potion to look like her while trying to have sex with Harry.

“Hermione, we need some way to be sure that we are who we appear to be.” He stated. “I’ve had it up to here with polyjuiced Death-Eater Professors; I don’t want a polyjuiced Girlfriend.” He placed his hand about six inches over his head and Hermione smiled at his silliness.

“Let’s ask Sirius when we see him at Gringotts.” Hermione had absentmindedly cancelled the spells on the girls left in the carriage as she and Harry disembarked.

They walked to the end of the train and entered the last compartment, the one where The Marauders had carved their Animagus names on the wall. Wormtail, Mooney, Padfoot and Prongs … there they were, the last compartment in the last car of the train. Harry swore to Hermione that he was going to find Wormtail and have Sirius set free if it was the last thing he did.

Harry sat at the window facing forward while Hermione stashed her bag in the overhead luggage rack. When she didn’t take anything out to read, Harry asked, “What, nothing to read dear?”

“Would you rather I read something or curl up with you?” she retorted sarcastically.

“Just a silly question dear, by all means leave the books in the bag.” He replied.

Hermione smiled at him, she wondered about the ‘dear’, maybe he was softening up a little. It was progress, but it would probably take a lot more hugs and kisses to get a ‘love’ or an ‘I love you’ out of him. She had another three years and then, with any luck, a lifetime after that. “Do you mind if I rest my head in your lap?”

“Dear Lady, your wish is my command … make it so!”

Hermione resisted shaking her head; she recognized a bit of Shakespeare mixed with Star Trek, a perfect combination for Harry, some of the past and a bit of the future. She sat, lifted her knees and rotated then leaned back, her head resting on his thighs. She could look up at him and speculate on their future or where she hoped his hands might end up during the trip to Kings’ Cross.

Colin Creepy and his brother Dennis came to their door almost before the train started to move, knocked and were asked in. Harry pulled some galleons out of his pocket to pay Colin for the photos and negatives of Ron and Ginny curled up on the couch, then Dennis showed him some other photos including one of the two of them wrapped around each other similarly in the reclining chair. Having seen what happened to the Weasleys, Dennis sold those photos and negatives to Hermione at a much better discount and the brothers promised not to take any more photos of the two of them without specific permission. All’s well that ended well, and the Creepy brothers left for another compartment.

Neville came to the door next and, after looking inside, decided to knock, it was only Harry and Hermione after all. Harry nodded to him and Neville opened the door and stepped inside. In Neville’s left hand was another hand, smaller and more feminine looking causing curiosity until Susan Bones appeared behind Neville.

“If you prefer we could try to find another compartment?” queried Neville a little hesitantly, he had seen what happened to people that annoyed this particular couple.

“Come in, come in,” replied Hermione, “Hello Susan, Neville, if you can manage to fill the other bench like this, we can have this compartment to ourselves.” Harry had nodded to them both.

Neville looked at Hermione, then at Susan, they had only started talking in the carriage on the way over here, they were the only two singles in the carriage. This was pushing things beyond Neville’s comfort level which would have been Harry’s comfort level a week ago too.

“Neville,” said Harry, “Trust me and go along with whatever she says.” He pointed at Hermione. “Maybe the girls will let us switch places half way to London.”

“Harry?”

“I meant my head in your lap dear.” Harry responded.

“If you’re a good Boyfriend.”

“Yes dear.”

Susan and Neville both laughed at the banter of the other two, Neville sat near the door and Susan, after seeing Hermione nod at her, played along and reclined with her head in Neville’s lap.

“I think this is going to be one of the best trips home,” said Susan.

Neville looked at Harry with concern in his face, Harry responded, “Enjoy it Neville, relax and enjoy.”

Neville and Susan seemed to follow Harry and Hermione’s lead, When Hermione found Harry’s hand, she took it and held it on her stomach, Susan did the same shortly after. They were interrupted by the lunch trolley about one-ish in the afternoon and then about three Hermione got up to use the loo, Susan followed her a moment later leaving the two boys to themselves.

Harry and Neville started talking, and eventually it came out that Neville could have ended up in the carriage with Ron and Ginny if he hadn’t backed away. Neville thought he might like Ginny after taking her to the Yule Ball, but being Neville he hadn’t done anything about it. After seeing how Ginny reacted to Harry and Hermione becoming a couple, he didn’t want anything to do with the Weasleys any more. Harry confided his thoughts of what he considered Ginny capable of and Neville sat there in shock during the dissertation.

Susan locked the door after she entered the loo and took the second stall. They started talking about the boys they were with. Susan, of course, had only just started talking to Neville, well it was a few hours ago now, but still. Hermione filled her in about Neville, saying that he was shy much like Harry, but once Susan trained him, he could be a great boyfriend. The topic turned to Harry and Hermione glossed over the details that Susan really wanted to hear, but found out that he too was in training and some of the surprises that Hermione had planned for him. Susan thought the underwear trick was going to be hilarious.

Once they returned to the compartment, the boys left … they returned a few minutes later to find Hermione and Susan sitting patiently where they had been sitting. The girls motioned the boys to recline and with not a little trepidation they assumed the position. The girls had removed their school robes when they returned to the compartment and their curves, particularly Susan’s, were more prominent to the point where Harry became bold enough to ask Neville if he had a problem with his eye. Neville’s left eye was directly under the button line of Susan’s top that separated Susan’s most prominent assets.

“Just having trouble focussing, the view is a little blurry from here.” Neville replied. They all laughed and his view became more blurred as the focal point started moving again.

Harry looked up at Hermione and when she looked down he deadpanned, “You see what I mean … more than a handful … can be hard on the eyesight.” Susan blushed as did Hermione and Neville, but neither could compare to a proper Weasley blush. They all laughed.

Malfoy came to the door next, he was long overdue in Harry’s opinion. Malfoy opened the door, his two thugs, Crabbe and Goyle, flanking his behind and looking in too. “Mudbloods, half-bloods and Hufflepuff wusses, you should have been in Hufflepuff, Longbottom, you certainly aren’t cutting it in Gryffindor. Malfoy raised his wand and there seemed to be about a dozen spells cast in rapid succession, some from out in the hallway. He was slammed into him, such that the back of his head smashed into the train’s bulkhead behind him. There was a sickly thud as the three boys impacted the wall and then there was silence.

The four in their compartment still had their wands at the ready when two identical red headed faces came into view.

“I’ve never heard of some …” Said Fred.

“Of those spells,” Continued George. “I must say that they …”

“Do add an artistic touch,” finished Fred.

“Hello boys,” Said Hermione, “Thanks for your assistance, if you don’t mind throwing out the trash you’re welcome to join us for a bit.” Harry took that as a cue to sit up and Hermione groaned at her loss. Neville followed Harry’s lead and that made two empty seats. “Harry, will you get my bag please?” She asked in a very sexy voice that Harry couldn’t refuse. Where did this Hermione come from was all he could think. With the Slytherin trash taken out, the twins entered the compartment. “Be seated guys, this won’t take long.”

Once they were all seated Hermione reached into her bag and brought out something that looked for all intents and purposes to Harry like a giant ‘Hershey’s Kiss’. Harry recognized it immediately; he took it from her and handed it to George only because he would have had to reach further to give it to Fred. When you get home, simply ‘finite’ the shrinking charm and you have a thousand galleons.”

They all recognized it now as a miniature money bag that appeared to be quite full. Hermione got up and put her bag away.

“We can’t take your winnings Harry!”

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Hermione locked the door after the twins left and they resumed their previous positions except that the boys had now removed their robes as well. Hermione started running her left hand over Harry’s chest and stomach while looking down at him, he didn’t seem to mind in the least which surprised her a little. Susan and Neville were watching for any reactions and observed none, Susan was still hesitant. If she did what Hermione was doing, would she have to allow Neville to do the same? She wasn’t ready to be that intimate with him yet. Neville surprised her by finding her left hand and placing it on his stomach and letting it go. Susan amused herself with his stomach and waist until he took her hand and placed it higher.

She looked at Hermione only to see Hermione nod okay. Susan shrugged, Neville closed his left eye until he could focus it again and Susan groped Neville’s chest for the rest of the train ride.

All was right in the world except when they were interrupted by the other pair of red heads that were on the train. Ron and Ginny looked through the glass and when they couldn’t open the door, they banged on it loudly until a pair of prefects came along and took them both away.

Hermione started humming a song that came to mind:

Where have all the flowers gone?

Long time passing

Where have all the flowers gone?

Long time ago

Where have all the flowers gone?

Girls have picked them every one

When will they ever learn?

When will they ever learn?

Harry recognized it, having heard it before and attempted to sing the last two lines when Hermione got to them. “When will they ever learn? When will they everrrrr learn?” Needless to say he butchered it badly. Due to a severe lack of a singing voice he sounded like someone strangling a cat. The other “couple?” caught the meaning, and after all, that was the point.

The train stopped at Kings’ Cross Station, neither the Dursleys nor the Grangers were there to meet them. This was according to what Sirius had told them, he said he would meet them inside Gringotts and they should ask for the Estate Manager, a Goblin named Slashkilter.

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The two teens were taken to the Estate Managers’ office where Sirius and Remus were waiting. The Goblins didn’t give a rat’s droppings for Wizard laws and didn’t have any problem with Mr. Black’s presence, or that of Mr. Lupin, so long as there wasn’t a full moon. Sirius had just acquired the Black Family ring making him Lord Black and accessed the paperwork to officially make him Guardian over Mr. Harry Potter. Remus had been given some gold and asked to help with Harry’s training over the summer. Remus needed the gold to tidy up his current obligations before he would be available.

Harry was offered the choice of Emancipation and the Potter Family ring, making him Lord Potter and for all practical purposes an adult or the Guardianship of either Sirius Black or Remus Lupin. Sirius had been picked as first choice by James and Lilly. Remus would have been first choice except for his ‘furry problem’; he was relegated to third after Neville’s parents who were currently not able to take on the role.

Harry wondered whether he was he ready to be an adult. It was a difficult choice. The question that came to him immediately was how did any of this affect Hermione? Harry asked to talk to Remus alone and the others stepped outside the office. On the one hand, Sirius was considered a dangerous criminal by most of the world while Remus had little status being a Werewolf. If he chose emancipation, Harry wondered if he was saying to Snakeface,”Come and get me”? On the upside, Remus pointed out that if he chose emancipation, he could assume the role of Lord Potter and thus he could marry Hermione. She would become Lady Potter and as such be classed as an adult and a pureblood, or almost a pureblood, due to the family’s status and heritage.

The choice was getting a little overwhelming for Harry. The fall-back position of having Sirius as Legal Guardian was that it would simplify things for now. Harry went to the door and asked Hermione to come in. Remus explained to Hermione, in detail, everything he and Harry had talked about and the implications thereof.

“It all sounds interesting and worthy of consideration.” She stated. “My parents would have a fit if I came out of this room betrothed or married to Harry without a lot of time, talking and planning going into it.” Said Hermione, “The most reasonable outcome would be to have either you or Sirius as Harry’s guardians … or possibly my parents … they would be able to be seen in public where Sirius cannot and pose as surrogate guardians for you where signatures are required or where you or Sirius could not go,” said Hermione as she finally wound down.

“Hermione,” said Harry, “Your parents, I think I’ve seen them a few times briefly, would need some serious protection if they took on the role, besides I’d like to know them better before I offered them the job. It is a good idea though. Sirius was my parent’s choice … let’s just go with that for now.”

The parchment work was signed and all four of them came out with bags of gold or British pounds and several Goblin-made portkeys. Hermione’s memories of where her parents’ house and Dental Practice were located were used to make some of them. Since apparition and portkeys could not be used within Gringotts, they had to leave the Goblin’s property to get to their next destination in Oxford.

Remus went his separate way while Sirius and Harry took a portkey with Hermione to the back yard of her parents’ home.

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Thank you for reading

Barmy