Mayhem on the Hogwarts Express by Barmy_old_Codger

Rating: PG13
Genres: Romance, Humor
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 4
Published: 14/04/2009
Last Updated: 14/04/2009
Status: Completed

A continuation of: “That Night & the Next Morning” (Two-Shot: read both chapters); “It
wasn’t His Fault!” (One-Shot); “No More Quills; No More Books; No More of Snape’s Dirty Looks”
(One-Shot). This is Episode 5.




1. Mayhem on the Hogwarts Express
---------------------------------

“Mayhem on the Hogwarts Express”

The Fifth part of: “**That Night & the Next Morning”**

By the Barmy_old_Codger

One Shot … A continuation from:

“No More Quills; No More Books;

No More of Snape’s Dirty Looks”

**Pursuant to the *Berne* *Convention Implementation Act of 1988* and the *Digital
Millennium Copyright Act of 1998***, **this work is copyrighted 2007 with all rights
expressly reserved by its author unless explicitly granted. No portion may be reproduced in any
fashion without the express written and notarized permission of the author.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Harry Potter characters. All characters are creations of
Joanne K Rowling, © 2007, to whom I am deeply indebted. I make no money from any of this.**

**Note Zero:** Thanks Edmond O’Donald for Beta-ing this chapter. Look up his stories on
fanfiction dot net. Or find him on groups.yahoo.com/group/the_scribbler/

**Note One:** Previous episodes/chapters/stories:

“**That Night & the Next Morning”** (Two-Shot: read both chapters)

“**It wasn’t His Fault!”** (One-Shot)

**“No More Quills; No More Books; No More of Snape’s Dirty Looks**” (One-Shot)

**Note Two:** Read the Author’s Notes in the previous episodes. This is and will be A/U.
Thank you.

**Note Three:** lyrics for the first stanza of:

**“****WHERE HAVE ALL THE FLOWERS GONE****”** *Words and music by Pete Seeger;
Performed by Pete Seeger and Tao Rodriguez-Seeger*

http://www.arlo.net/resources/lyrics/flowers-gone.shtml
will be found below.

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**“Mayhem on the Hogwarts Express”**

**Saturday July 3rd 1995, about 10:30 AM**

Some of the First Years had brought their trunks down to the Common Room, a few of the other
students laughed at them, but the older ones saw the usefulness of it. At ten thirty precisely,
half a dozen House Elves appeared in the Common Room and the trunks vanished with them. That was
the cue to head down to the front doors of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry for the
carriage trip to Hogsmeade Station. The House Elves were ferrying every student’s trunk to the
station and loading them on the train. That meant the train was there and the carriages would be at
the front doors of the school.

On their way along the corridors and down the varied staircases**,** Harry thought it odd
that Hermione carried her school bag. It looked like it had a couple of books in it and he figured
it must be reading material for the trip. Harry and Hermione found an empty carriage and no sooner
were they seated than several girls from Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw and one from Slytherin, the
beautiful, Daphne Greengrass, piled in without so much as a ‘may I’ or ‘by your leave’. The
carriage**,** once full, left directly for the station, so there was no getting off. The doors
magically locked while the carriage was in motion as a safety feature, unfortunately there was
standing room only. Harry was trapped in there with Hermione and seven other girls in a six-seat
carriage. Every time the carriage hit a bump, a pot hole**,** or even a ruddy pebble, one girl
or another would try to sit in Harry’s lap or shove her bust into his face. Hermione was getting
knocked around too, and sometimes it was blatantly obvious that it was intentional.

Hermione pulled her wand as Harry picked her up and placed her on his lap. Immediately there was
space around the pair. They had heard what she was supposed to have done to the youngest Weasleys
and it took them a few seconds to think about ganging up and throwing Hermione out a window. She
couldn’t get them all quick enough to stop them, or so they thought.

Harry was very uncomfortable in his current situation and he had no idea what this pack of girls
was capable of, they seemed to have one thing in mind, getting Harry. Harry had seen Hermione’s
wand come out and the girls backed away. He picked her up and sat her on his lap to run
interference, he was sure the girls wouldn’t harass another girl, how wrong could he be? In his arm
that he loosely wrapped around her, he had his wand up his sleeve, the business end between his
fingers. The girls started advancing towards him and Hermione. HHe began sticking the seated ones
to their seats while Hermione began stunning the rest. By the time they arrived at the station,
Hermione had started explaining the facts of life to Harry (No! not those facts! Sheesh!).

She explained that he was quite attractive, alright handsome**;** even for a fourth year and
the other girls wouldn’t mind at all trying to help him manage his hair. *Either the hair on his
head or the other patch she assumed he had, though she wasn’t going to tell him that yet*. Harry
blushed to a nice fuchsia pink before she continued. He was now a Tri-Wizard Champion**,** not
to mention his other hyphenated titles. She had overheard several of the pureblood girls discussing
‘Old Family’ fortunes and they had speculated that the Potters had as much or more than the Malfoys
or Blacks. Hermione had heard Draco boast about his family’s fortune, but never put an actual
number to it. She assured Harry that she was NOT interested in his money. Finally he wasn’t an
arrogant, stuck-up prat like Malfoy. She also pointed out that some of the older girls might even
try to get pregnant from him if they couldn’t entice him any other way.

Harry was completely disgusted by the idea that anyone would try to trap him in that way and
then he thought of Ginny. He continued thinking about what Ginny could be capable of while they
walked from the carriages to the train. Harry eventually concluded that Ginny would have to be
carefully watched – because, he thought, that she might be determined enough to attempt pregnancy
or a love potion. When he told Hermione his thoughts, she suggested the possibility of Ginny using
Polyjuice potion to look like her while trying to have sex with Harry.

“Hermione, we need some way to be sure that we are who we appear to be.” He stated. “I’ve had it
up to here with polyjuiced Death-Eater Professors; I don’t want a polyjuiced Girlfriend.” He placed
his hand about six inches over his head and Hermione smiled at his silliness.

“Let’s ask Sirius when we see him at Gringotts.” Hermione had absentmindedly cancelled the
spells on the girls left in the carriage as she and Harry disembarked.

They walked to the end of the train and entered the last compartment, the one where The
Marauders had carved their Animagus names on the wall. Wormtail, Mooney, Padfoot and Prongs … there
they were, the last compartment in the last car of the train. Harry swore to Hermione that he was
going to find Wormtail and have Sirius set free if it was the last thing he did.

Harry sat at the window facing forward while Hermione stashed her bag in the overhead luggage
rack. When she didn’t take anything out to read, Harry asked, “What, nothing to read dear?”

“Would you rather I read something or curl up with you?” she retorted sarcastically.

“Just a silly question dear, by all means leave the books in the bag.” He replied.

Hermione smiled at him, *she wondered about the ‘dear’, maybe he was softening up a little. It
was progress, but it would probably take a lot more hugs and kisses to get a ‘love’ or an ‘I love
you’ out of him. She had another three years and then, with any luck, a lifetime after that.*
“Do you mind if I rest my head in your lap?”

“Dear Lady, your wish is my command … make it so!”

Hermione resisted shaking her head**;** she recognized a bit of *Shakespeare* mixed with
*Star Trek*, a perfect combination for Harry, some of the past and a bit of the future. She
sat, lifted her knees and rotated then leaned back, her head resting on his thighs. She could look
up at him and speculate on their future or where she hoped his hands might end up during the trip
to Kings’ Cross.

Colin Creepy and his brother Dennis came to their door almost before the train started to move,
knocked and were asked in. Harry pulled some galleons out of his pocket to pay Colin for the photos
and negatives of Ron and Ginny curled up on the couch, then Dennis showed him some other photos
including one of the two of them wrapped around each other similarly in the reclining chair. Having
seen what happened to the Weasleys, Dennis sold those photos and negatives to Hermione at a much
better discount and the brothers promised not to take any more photos of the two of them without
specific permission. All’s well that ended well, and the Creepy brothers left for another
compartment.

Neville came to the door next and, after looking inside, decided to knock, it was only Harry and
Hermione after all. Harry nodded to him and Neville opened the door and stepped inside. In
Neville’s left hand was another hand, smaller and more feminine looking causing curiosity until
Susan Bones appeared behind Neville.

“If you prefer we could try to find another compartment?” queried Neville a little hesitantly,
he had seen what happened to people that annoyed this particular couple.

“Come in, come in,” replied Hermione, “Hello Susan, Neville, if you can manage to fill the other
bench like this, we can have this compartment to ourselves.” Harry had nodded to them both.

Neville looked at Hermione, then at Susan, they had only started talking in the carriage on the
way over here, they were the only two singles in the carriage. This was pushing things beyond
Neville’s comfort level which would have been Harry’s comfort level a week ago too.

“Neville,” said Harry, “Trust me and go along with whatever she says.” He pointed at Hermione.
“Maybe the girls will let us switch places half way to London.”

“Harry?”

“I meant my head in your lap dear.” Harry responded.

“If you’re a good Boyfriend.”

“Yes dear.”

Susan and Neville both laughed at the banter of the other two, Neville sat near the door and
Susan, after seeing Hermione nod at her, played along and reclined with her head in Neville’s
lap.

“I think this is going to be one of the best trips home**,**” said Susan.

Neville looked at Harry with concern in his face, Harry responded, “Enjoy it Neville, relax and
enjoy.”

Neville and Susan seemed to follow Harry and Hermione’s lead, When Hermione found Harry’s hand,
she took it and held it on her stomach, Susan did the same shortly after. They were interrupted by
the lunch trolley about one-ish in the afternoon and then about three Hermione got up to use the
loo, Susan followed her a moment later leaving the two boys to themselves.

Harry and Neville started talking, and eventually it came out that Neville could have ended up
in the carriage with Ron and Ginny if he hadn’t backed away. Neville thought he might like Ginny
after taking her to the Yule Ball, but being Neville he hadn’t done anything about it. After seeing
how Ginny reacted to Harry and Hermione becoming a couple, he didn’t want anything to do with the
Weasleys any more. Harry confided his thoughts of what he considered Ginny capable of and Neville
sat there in shock during the dissertation.

Susan locked the door after she entered the loo and took the second stall. They started talking
about the boys they were with. Susan**,** of course**,** had only just started talking to
Neville, well it was a few hours ago now, but still. Hermione filled her in about Neville, saying
that he was shy much like Harry, but once Susan trained him, he could be a great boyfriend. The
topic turned to Harry and Hermione glossed over the details that Susan really wanted to hear, but
found out that he too was in training and some of the surprises that Hermione had planned for him.
Susan thought the underwear trick was going to be hilarious.

Once they returned to the compartment, the boys left … they returned a few minutes later to find
Hermione and Susan sitting patiently where they had been sitting. The girls motioned the boys to
recline and with not a little trepidation they assumed the position. The girls had removed their
school robes when they returned to the compartment and their curves, particularly Susan’s, were
more prominent to the point where Harry became bold enough to ask Neville if he had a problem with
his eye. Neville’s left eye was directly under the button line of Susan’s top that separated
Susan’s most prominent assets.

“Just having trouble focussing, the view is a little blurry from here.” Neville replied. They
all laughed and his view became more blurred as the focal point started moving again.

Harry looked up at Hermione and when she looked down he deadpanned, “You see what I mean … more
than a handful … can be hard on the eyesight.” Susan blushed as did Hermione and Neville, but
neither could compare to a proper Weasley blush. They all laughed.

Malfoy came to the door next, he was long overdue in Harry’s opinion. Malfoy opened the door,
his two thugs, Crabbe and Goyle, flanking his behind and looking in too. “Mudbloods, half-bloods
and Hufflepuff wusses, you should have been in Hufflepuff, Longbottom, you certainly aren’t cutting
it in Gryffindor. Malfoy raised his wand and there seemed to be about a dozen spells cast in rapid
succession, some from out in the hallway. He was slammed into him, such that the back of his head
smashed into the train’s bulkhead behind him. There was a sickly *thud* as the three boys
impacted the wall and then there was silence.

The four in their compartment still had their wands at the ready when two identical red headed
faces came into view.

“I’ve never heard of some …” Said Fred.

“Of those spells,” Continued George. “I must say that they …”

“Do add an artistic touch**,**” finished Fred.

“Hello boys,” Said Hermione, “Thanks for your assistance, if you don’t mind throwing out the
trash you’re welcome to join us for a bit.” Harry took that as a cue to sit up and Hermione groaned
at her loss. Neville followed Harry’s lead and that made two empty seats. “Harry, will you get my
bag please?” She asked in a very sexy voice that Harry couldn’t refuse. *Where did this Hermione
come from was all he could think*. With the Slytherin trash taken out, the twins entered the
compartment. “Be seated guys, this won’t take long.”

Once they were all seated Hermione reached into her bag and brought out something that looked
for all intents and purposes to Harry like a giant ‘Hershey’s Kiss’. Harry recognized it
immediately**;** he took it from her and handed it to George only because he would have had to
reach further to give it to Fred. When you get home, simply ‘finite’ the shrinking charm and you
have a thousand galleons.”

They all recognized it now as a miniature money bag that appeared to be quite full. Hermione got
up and put her bag away.

“We can’t take your winnings Harry!”

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Hermione locked the door after the twins left and they resumed their previous positions except
that the boys had now removed their robes as well. Hermione started running her left hand over
Harry’s chest and stomach while looking down at him, he didn’t seem to mind in the least which
surprised her a little. Susan and Neville were watching for any reactions and observed none, Susan
was still hesitant. If she did what Hermione was doing, would she have to allow Neville to do the
same? She wasn’t ready to be that intimate with him yet. Neville surprised her by finding her left
hand and placing it on his stomach and letting it go. Susan amused herself with his stomach and
waist until he took her hand and placed it higher.

She looked at Hermione only to see Hermione nod okay. Susan shrugged, Neville closed his left
eye until he could focus it again and Susan groped Neville’s chest for the rest of the train
ride.

All was right in the world except when they were interrupted by the other pair of red heads that
were on the train. Ron and Ginny looked through the glass and when they couldn’t open the door,
they banged on it loudly until a pair of prefects came along and took them both away.

Hermione started humming a song that came to mind:

Where have all the flowers gone?

Long time passing

Where have all the flowers gone?

Long time ago

Where have all the flowers gone?

Girls have picked them every one

When will they ever learn?

When will they ever learn?

Harry recognized it, having heard it before and attempted to sing the last two lines when
Hermione got to them. “When will they ever learn? When will they everrrrr learn?” Needless to say
he butchered it badly. Due to a severe lack of a singing voice he sounded like someone strangling a
cat. The other “couple?” caught the meaning, and after all, that was the point.

The train stopped at Kings’ Cross Station, neither the Dursleys nor the Grangers were there to
meet them. This was according to what Sirius had told them, he said he would meet them inside
Gringotts and they should ask for the Estate Manager, a Goblin named Slashkilter.

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The two teens were taken to the Estate Managers**’** office where Sirius and Remus were
waiting. The Goblins didn’t give a rat’s droppings for Wizard laws and didn’t have any problem with
Mr. Black’s presence, or that of Mr. Lupin, so long as there wasn’t a full moon. Sirius had just
acquired the Black Family ring making him Lord Black and accessed the paperwork to officially make
him Guardian over Mr. Harry Potter. Remus had been given some gold and asked to help with Harry’s
training over the summer. Remus needed the gold to tidy up his current obligations before he would
be available.

Harry was offered the choice of Emancipation and the Potter Family ring, making him Lord Potter
and for all practical purposes an adult or the Guardianship of either Sirius Black or Remus Lupin.
Sirius had been picked as first choice by James and Lilly. Remus would have been first choice
except for his ‘furry problem’**;** he was relegated to third after Neville’s parents who were
currently not able to take on the role.

Harry wondered whether he was he ready to be an adult. It was a difficult choice. The question
that came to him immediately was how did any of this affect Hermione? Harry asked to talk to Remus
alone and the others stepped outside the office. On the one hand, Sirius was considered a dangerous
criminal by most of the world while Remus had little status being a Werewolf. If he chose
emancipation, Harry wondered if he was saying to Snakeface,”Come and get me”? On the upside, Remus
pointed out that if he chose emancipation, he could assume the role of *Lord* Potter and thus
he could marry Hermione. She would become Lady Potter and as such be classed as an adult and a
pureblood, or almost a pureblood, due to the family’s status and heritage.

The choice was getting a little overwhelming for Harry. The fall-back position of having Sirius
as Legal Guardian was that it would simplify things for now. Harry went to the door and asked
Hermione to come in. Remus explained to Hermione, in detail, everything he and Harry had talked
about and the implications thereof.

“It all sounds interesting and worthy of consideration.” She stated. “My parents would have a
fit if I came out of this room betrothed or married to Harry without a lot of time, talking and
planning going into it.” Said Hermione, “The most reasonable outcome would be to have either you or
Sirius as Harry’s guardians … or possibly my parents … they would be able to be seen in public
where Sirius cannot and pose as surrogate guardians for you where signatures are required or where
you or Sirius could not go,” said Hermione as she finally wound down.

“Hermione,” said Harry, “Your parents, I think I’ve seen them a few times briefly, would need
some serious protection if they took on the role, besides I’d like to know them better before I
offered them the job. It is a good idea though. Sirius was my parent’s choice … let’s just go with
that for now.”

The parchment work was signed and all four of them came out with bags of gold or British pounds
and several Goblin-made portkeys. Hermione’s memories of where her parents’ house and Dental
Practice were located were used to make some of them. Since apparition and portkeys could not be
used within Gringotts, they had to leave the Goblin’s property to get to their next destination in
Oxford.

Remus went his separate way while Sirius and Harry took a portkey with Hermione to the back yard
of her parents’ home.

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Thank you for reading

Barmy



